Science of Discworld

BACKSLIDERS

GLOOM HAD SETTLED OVER THE WIZARDS. Some of them had even refused a third helping at dinner. 'It's not as if they were very advanced,' said the Dean, in an attempt to cheer everyone up. 'They weren't even using metal. And their writing was frankly nothing but pictograms.'

'Why doesn't that sort of this thing happen here?' said the Senior Wrangler, merely toying with his trifle.

'Well, there have been historical examples of mass extinction,' said Ponder.

'Yes, but only as a result of argumentative wizardry. That's quite different. You don't expect rocks to drop out of the sky.'

'You don't expect them to stay up?' said Ridcully. 'In a proper universe, the turtle snaps up most of them and the elephants get the rest. Protects the world. Y'know, it seems to me that the most sen­sible thing any intelligent lifeform could do on that little world would be to get off it.'

'Nowhere to go,' said Ponder.

'Nonsense! There's a big moon. And there's other balls floating around this star.'

'All too hot, too cold, or completely without atmosphere,' said Ponder.

'People would just have to make their own entertainment. Anyway ... there's plenty of other suns, isn't there?'

'All far too far away. It would take ... well, lifetimes to get there.'

'Yes, but being extinct takes forever.'

Ponder sighed. 'You'd set out not even knowing if there's a world you could live on, sir,' he said.

'Yes, but you'd be leavin' one that you'd know you couldn't,' said Ridcully calmly. 'Not for any length of time, anyway.'

'There are new lifeforms turning up, sir. I went and checked before dinner.'

'Tell that to the lizards,' sighed the Senior Wrangler. 'Any of the new ones any good?' said Ridcully. 'They're ... more fluffy, sir.' 'Doin' anything interesting?'

'Eating leaves, mainly,' said Ponder. 'There are some much more realistic trees now.'

'Billions of years of history and we've got a better tree,' sighed the Senior Wrangler.

'No, no, that's got to be a step in the right direction,' said Ridcully, thoughtfully.

'Oh? How so?'

'You can make paper out of trees.'

The wizards stared into the omniscope.

'Oh, how nice,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'Ice again. It's a long time since we've had a really big freeze.'

'Well, look at the universe,' said the Dean. 'It's mainly freezing cold with small patches of boiling hot. The planet's only doing what it knows.'

'You know, we're certainly learning a lot from this project,' said Ridcully. 'But it's mainly that we should be grateful we're living on a proper world.'

A few million years passed, as they do.

The Dean was on the beach and almost in tears. The other wiz­ards appeared nearby and wandered over to see what the fuss was about.

Rincewind was waist deep in water, apparently struggling with a medium-sized dog.

'That's right,' the Dean shouted. 'Turn it round! Use a stick if you have to!'

'What the thunder is going on here?' said Ricully.

'Look at them!' said the Dean, beside himself with rage. 'Backsliders! Caught them trying to return to the ocean!'

Ridcully glanced at one of the creatures, which was lying in the shallows and chewing on a crab.

'Didn't catch them soon enough, did you,' he said. 'They've got webbed paws.'

'There's been too much of this sort of thing lately!' snapped the Dean. He waved his finger at one of the creatures, who watched it carefully in case it turned out to be a fish.

'What would your ancestors say, my friend, if they saw you rush­ing into the water just because times are a bit tough on land?' he said.

'Er ... '"Welcome back"?' suggested Rincewind, trying to avoid the snapping jaws.

"Long time no sea'?' said the Senior Wrangler, cheerfully.

The creature begged, uncertainly.

'Oh, go on, if you must,' said the Dean. 'Fish, fish, fish ... you'll turn into a fish one of these days!'

'Y'know, going back to the sea might not be a bad idea,' said Ridcully, as they strolled away along the beach. 'Beaches are edges. You always get interestin' stuff on the edge. Look at those lizards we saw on the islands. Their world was all edges.'

'Yes, but giving up the land to just go swimming around in the water? I don't call that evolution.'

'But if you go on land where you have to grow a decent brain and some cunning and a bit of muscle in order to get anything done, and then you go back to see the sea where the fish have never had to think about anything very much, you could really, er, kick butt.'

'Do fish have...?'

'All right, all right. I meant, in a manner of speaking. It was just a thought, anyway.' Uncharacteristically, the Archchancellor frowned.

'Back to the sea,' he said. 'Well, you can't blame them.'