Secret Dead Men

Twenty-Two Electric Amy

Whammo. The world did a backflip.

By this point, I was feeling like a world traveler. From the Country of Porcelain, to the strange, exotic turf of Feline, right into the uncharted territory known as the Female Mind. Oddly, Amy's mind felt closer to the toilet than the cat.

This is not meant as an insult-honest. The foundations of her psyche were unlike anything I'd ever encountered, and I'd encountered many a psyche.

I/Amy blinked, dimly aware that Buddy had wriggled free, leapt back down to the floor and scrambled away, probably looking for a place to hole up and bathe himself for a couple of hours.

Where am I? I heard Amy ask.

There was no Brain Hotel in here, to be sure. Just an ordinary human mind. Or was it?

No matter the environment, I had to create a suitable meeting place for our two minds. Right now, no doubt, Amy's consciousness was tumbling around in the void of her own brain, wondering how she'd lost her grip on reality so quickly.

I started to slap up a large room with wood-paneled walls, a comfortable rug, a desk, a couch, a few paintings. Then I realized a strange room like that would probably disorient her even more. I needed something familiar. So, I recreated my own apartment the best I could. That way, when I summoned her soul here, she would think she'd momentarily passed out. I could explain it away, without fear of her losing her mind.

When I'd finished, I called out to her. “Amy! Amy, wake up."

AMY IS AWAKE

The voice didn't come from any single location. The voice, for lack of a better description, came from all locations. I was in the voice, right here in the recreation my own apartment. I felt like a mere puff of breath within the voice.

“Amy where are you?"

AMY IS WITH YOU

“Can I see Amy?"

AMY IS ALL AROUND YOU

This line of questioning was getting me nowhere. Where was her soul? According to the rules (at least, as I'd come to understand them), it had to be around here somewhere. I checked the kitchen area-in the fridge, in the stove, in the limited cupboard space. Nowhere. I checked the bathroom. Not there, either. The only place left was my closet. But there was a sign tacked to the front of it:

WARNING! DO NOT ENTER

Now that hadn't been in my real apartment. And I sure as heck didn't invent it for this reproduction. What was going on? The damned thing was sealed shut, too-some kind of gray caulk pasting up the crack between the door and its frame, and a dozen metal hinges locking it in place.

Not that this was a problem. Hell, if I could recreate an entire apartment, I sure as hell could whip up something as simple as a brain-chainsaw.

So I did, and the crazy thing came alive in my hands, its sudden weight straining my arms. I thrust it into the closet door, and the chips started to fly. And as I did, the words on the door sign changed right before my eyes:

STOP! DO NOT CONTINUE

“Oh yeah?” I shouted over the din of the saw. “Or what?” And I pushed the speeding blade deeper into the wood, cutting across toward the frame. Sparks popped as I hit a metal staple.

The sign changed again:

THIS DOOR LEADS TO HELL

Interesting. “Well then,” I shouted, “tell the Devil to pull out his best china, ‘cause he's gonna have a guest!” I sawed back through the groove I'd already cut and finished the job on the opposite side of the door. The last staple sparked, and the door immediately folded up into itself and was sucked back into the darkness.

And that was what I found within my pseudo-apartment closet: utter and perfect darkness. Miner's lamp, I thought, and one appeared on my head. Double-barrel shotgun, I thought too-just to be sure. Who knows what kind of heat Satan was packing?

This had to be a trip for the record books. From the bowl of a Philadelphia toilet to the bowels of Hell. Yee-haw.

I stepped into the closet. The air got thick fast. To take a step meant pushing my way through air thick as beach sand. I found that if I pushed hard enough to one side, the space would part easier for me, but only for a second or two before the pressure came crashing back.

After what seemed like hours, I came up against a barrier. I reached out and touched it-smooth, like wood. I knocked on it. Sounded like wood. Was this a coffin I'd wormed myself into? That would teach me a Twilight Zone-esque lesson, I supposed. Dead Guy steps into a doorway to Hell, and ends up in a coffin, finally, where he belongs. Justice is served. Cue Rod Serling's Monday morning wrap-up.

But it wasn't a coffin lid. It was a door. I found what felt like a long brass handle and turned it.

Outside the door was a beautifully furnished bedroom.

Welcome to Hell, here are your robe and slippers, make yourself at home?

I had no idea where I was supposed to be. This certainly wasn't a bedroom I'd encountered before. It must be one of Amy Langtree's memories. I wondered if her consciousness extended this far. “Amy?” I called out. “Are you there?"

Amy popped her head through the door. “What did you call me?"

She'd startled me. I breathed heavily, then said: “Oh, God. There you are."

She came into the room, wearing nothing but a sheer white bra and low-cut panties. “Did you say, Amy?"

“Uh… yes?"

Amy frowned. “Brad, we've been married for almost a year now, and you still can't remember my name?"

Brad? I stole a glimpse of myself in a dresser mirror. Yep, I still had Brad Larsen's face plastered to my skull, even in the weird brain world inside Amy's head. But how did Amy Langtree know Brad Larsen?

Then it hit me like a softball bat upside the head. Of course.

“I'm sorry, Alison."

She walked up to me and put her arms around my chest, then gave me a squeeze. “You'd better remember, mister. So who's this Amy tramp? Some ex-girlfriend? A secretary at work?"

I faked a laugh and squeezed her in return. “Nothing like that. It was a fumble of the tongue.” I kissed her on top of her head. Her hair was damp and smelled like peach shampoo.

Amy/Alison looked up at me. “You need help with your tongue?” She moved her mouth over mine, and flicked her tongue across my teeth.

Not what I needed right now. Forget traveling from a toilet to the bowels of Hell-this was far weirder. Making out with a woman's repressed memory inside her own head? I politely and quickly kissed her back, then broke the embrace. “Wait, wait. I wanted to ask you something.” I was lying, of course. “Do you know where my day planner is?"

Amy/Alison wrinkled her forehead. “You don't have a day planner. We write everything on the calendar on the desk."

“Right,” I said. “That's what I meant. The desk calendar."

“Then why did you ask me where it was? It's been on the desk all year long."

“Of course,” I said, and kissed her again, strongly tempted to linger. But I couldn't. There was too much to sort out. Already, the pieces were connecting in my mind. And those few connections were scaring the hell out of me. I needed time to think.

I walked for the bedroom door. “Be back in a second,” I said, then walked through it. The layout of the house was completely unfamiliar. I wandered down a plushly-carpeted hallway and opened the door, which turned out to be the bathroom. (I gave the toilet a nod, out of professional courtesy.) I doubled back and checked out a few more doors, but they were closets. Finally, I went downstairs and poked around the living room-hardwood floors, curio cabinets, real art on the walls-and then I saw the sign.

DO NOT ENTER UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH!

It was attached to a door. Another gateway to another Hell? If this house was Hell, I could only assume the door led to the Taj Mahal, or something.

I opened the door and stepped through. Suddenly, I was outside. And this outside was familiar. Dishearteningly familiar.

It was the Witness Protection house in Woody Creek-the one that was supposed to have been razed to the ground, as per Special Agent Nevins’ orders. And no doubt, it had been. Only this one was the one from Amy/Alison's memories, locked away where she couldn't (or wouldn't dare) find them.

Alison Larsen's life was stowed away in the back compartments of Amy Langtree's mind. But where did that leave the real Amy? As a cover identity for the real soul, Alison, or a separate and distinct entity herself? And what was housing Amy/Alison-a Brain that could support a collection of souls, like my own Brain? (A Brain that, I remembered, had been hijacked a few hours ago by Brad Larsen.) Or was it an artificial repository?

My God-was Amy real?

For once, I wished I had the Ghost Fieldman here to explain things to me. But of course, he was probably the one who helped build all of this. He and Brad Larsen, in secret alliance to find the killers themselves, letting me poke around in the dark on my own. Brad Larsen was his mission; not me. I felt like a man who's been declared obsolete. All this time I assumed myself to be special, gifted, and it turns out I'm just another schlump spinning his wheels day after day, thinking he's making a difference, but not doing a damn thing worthwhile to anyone. Utterly disposable. A man you could flush down a toilet without an ounce of pity. A nothing man. A dead man.

With nothing better to do, I looked around at the scenery. It was nice here. The grass, the trees, the sloping gravel walk up to the house. Maybe this is where I should stay-hole myself up in a literal ghost house forever. Let the real men handle the tough work. Sit and read and listen to the Beatles albums I remembered and relax.

I went to the front door and walked inside. The interior was how I remembered it-minus the blood and cops milling about, mind you. Nice, respectable piece of property. There was a portable radio on a small card table. “The Air That I Breathe” was playing… No cigarettes, no light, no sleep, no sound…

There was a knock at the door behind me.

I spun my head to look at it, and when I turned back to the room I saw Brad Larsen, sitting at a desk, reading something out of a thick textbook. I was about to call out to him, but I turned my attention to the door and opened it, not thinking. Halfway open, it occurred to me this was probably a bad idea.

And it was. Ray Loogan's eyebrows lifted, and then there was an explosion that blew out my eardrums, and the next thing I knew, my throat had exploded. I inhaled. It was like drinking flaming oil. My mouth and lungs burned. I couldn't catch my breath. I heard a man screaming, furniture breaking. I could feel the ground shake beneath my head with every stomp and kick.

…peace came upon and it leaves me weak…

I heard glasses rattling, grunting noises.

After a while, I couldn't hear anything.

Then a gunshot.

Then nothing.

Of course, I knew what was happening to me. I was reliving Alison Larsen's death, which had been locked away deep within her mind. But why? If Brad was trying to bring back his dead wife through Amy, why keep the painful memories at all? And why was this taking so long?

I knew the answer to that one, too. The human soul doesn't always depart its body right away. If it has a reason to, it can hang around for a day, maybe even longer. And Alison had plenty of reason to hang around.

Thus, I hung around in Alison Larsen's rapidly-cooling corpse. I watched a woman step over my body, but I couldn't make out a face. Then I watched the same woman drag the man who'd shot me out of the house. They were both careful to avoid my body. I listened to the radio for longer than I cared to, though I couldn't distinguish any of the songs, or the announcements, or advertisements. Every song, in fact, sounded like the Hollies’ “The Air That I Breathe.” The rest was meaningless garbage. I sensed the sun setting and darkness filling the corners of the house. Somewhere deep in my mind there was a sense of urgency, a need to escape this situation and return to my own life… whoever I was… and back on the case. Whatever that was. The dark hours rolled by. My soul hung on to the corpse, like a piece of wet tissue paper on a shoe.

Then, light again. A new morning, and warmth-slight warmth, not nearly the degree I was used to. Then, a child's face. At first, he looked shocked; then amused, the corners of his mouth curling up, eyes alive with mischief. He ran away. About a half-hour later, he returned with a few of his buddies. The Secret Dead Woman Club. They started by unbuttoning my blouse, already dried and sticky with blood. They stared at my breasts, and touched my nipples with short, grubby fingers.

I don't wish to recount the details of their petty experiments and probings. This record is not meant to degrade the memory of Alison Larsen. Suffice to say, they left no taboo untried. I wish I could have protected Alison…

The thought reminded me: I was not Alison Larsen. I was trapped in her memories. I was… who was I? No names would come. I didn't remember who I was, or much of my purpose here. All I knew was that I was Not Alison.

Eventually, the tortures stopped-the children chased away by a postal worker. Presumably, he called the proper authorities, for not twenty minutes later my dead body was visited by Sheriff Danny Alford. But even now, I felt myself slipping further away from my body, as if it had gone through its required mourning and was now ready to travel to the afterlife, wherever that may be. I saw more police arrive, dimly, and men in suits and photographers and eventually, a white sheet. I saw nothing, and patiently awaited whatever lay ahead. At least it would be an educational experience. Then something whipped the sheet away from my face.

And everything stopped.

Not that I was in Heaven or Hell-I mean the scene froze, with my body on a gurney being ferried by two EMTs, who looked like department store mannequins. No tree branches moved, not a blade of grass. No wind. But no, something was moving. A man. He stepped through the static lawn towards me, smiling. I knew I recognized his face, but I couldn't place him immediately.

“I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner,” he said, “but there are rules about these kinds of things."

“Who are you?” I heard myself say. But I hadn't said anything.

“I'm a friend of your husband, Ms. Larsen. I'm here to take you away from all of this."

“Is he with you?!” I gasped, involuntarily.

“Yes, he is. And he'll be with you soon. But you need to speed someplace and rest for a while. You won't feel any pain anymore. No loss. Nothing but happiness and comfort. I promise."

“Take me to Brad,” I said.

The man walked over to me and touched my cold forehead. Then he placed a weird-looking machine that looked like a crucifix over me and I heard an electric snap and everything dissolved like Alka-Selzer in a tumbler of water and-

“I am not going to live inside that,” I said.

It was an indeterminate amount of time later. The man had guided me through entire worlds of darkness and blue lightning-kind of a speeded-up version of some of the freakier scenes in 2001: A Space Odyssey-to a room that looked like a college laboratory. On the table rested a machine vaguely resembling a human. If humans had long, wiry tentacles popping out of every available orifice.

The man shook his head. “You must. Otherwise, your soul is unprotected."

“Not that… thing."

“The simulacrum is not complete, Alison. Not without you inside it. Then it comes to life, and becomes fully human. And I mean that. Human. Without a soul, a body is only meat. Without you, this machine is nothing but engineered tissue."

I started to cry, without meaning to.

The man placed his hand on the area of space that would have been my back. “It's the only way,” he said, soothingly. “This is the way to your husband."

I sniffled, then agreed to it all.

The past was erased. I had a new life now. My name was Amy Langtree, and I was an art student who lived in a studio at 1530 Spruce Street and everything was great. I met a cute guy who lived a couple of floors below me, and I'm hoping he'll ask me out.

Wait-no I'm not. I'm Not Alison. I mean, I'm me. Del Farmer Me. Del Farmer, Soul Collector.

And with that realization, I found myself in my own apartment again. At least, in the brain simulation of my apartment.

Goddamn, how long was I buried in that gruesome memory? A couple of days, at least. It all came flooding back to me at once-J.P. Balfoures, the murder investigation, the Susannah/Lana thing, the Brad/Ghost of Fieldman/toilet thing…

Finally, the story was becoming clear. The being who had rescued Alison's soul and put her in the robot was the Ghost of Fieldman. I recognized him now. How did he pull it off? Beats me. I wasn't quite sure how he managed to rip my own consciousness from its body and throw it into the porcelain prison of a toilet, either. Fieldman always said he “existed out of time,” and I suppose that loosely translates into: “I'm always going to be two steps ahead of you."

Alison's soul-her memories, her emotions, her quirks-were stored inside this body. This “simulacrum,” as Fieldman had described it. She had always looked-and felt-so damn real. Weren't robots supposed to be made of cold metal and beeping or something? But she wasn't. Not as far as I could tell.

“You're home?” I heard a voice ask. Amy was standing behind me. Or at least, the visual representation of her soul was standing behind me. Actually, we were two souls, standing inside a mental replication of my apartment.

“Yes, I am. I have a favor to ask."

She walked over to the couch, looking for the cat. “Psss-wsss… Here, kitty.” She turned her head back to me. “Sure. What is it?"

“Just hang out here, and wait for me to call. I have something to take care of."

“No problem. Where's the furball?"

Uh-oh. The furball's soul wasn't currently absorbed in this simulation. “I'm sure he's just hiding,” I said.

“Not many places to hide,” Amy said.

“Be right back.” I hope she didn't start digging around too much. I walked out the door of the apartment. It worked just like the front doors in the Brain Hotel lobby.

It brought me back to reality.

I opened our eyes. I had to move if I was ever going to get my physical body back. I felt inside her pocket for my apartment key and instead found a piece of paper. A note. From “Del Farmer."

Amy-

I'm sorry about what happened. I want to make this work. I know we can. Please stop down later. I'll be home around 9:00. I've left this key for you to let yourself in. Make yourself at home.

I left a present for you on my writing desk.

All my love,

Del

P.S. After you see the present, turn this page over.

“All my love?” Christ, I would never write something like that. I always signed correspondence with a “sincerely,” or perhaps “best,” if I knew the recipient well. Even with the infrequent love interests I'd had I would sign “yours.” And that was pushing it.

I checked Amy's watch. 6:40 p.m. My God, it must be Friday already, I thought. I must have been a toilet for over… 20 hours? If so, this meant the infamous party-the “Best of Philly,” where Susannah would be all alone, needing Paul's protection-started in twenty minutes. And if my hunch was correct, it wouldn't be Paul showing up to take care of her. It would be Brad Larsen, showing up to really take care of her. And I had to stop him before he scotched my entire investigation.

I flipped the note over. On the back was nothing but an address:

473 Winding Way, Merion PA.

I didn't recognize the address-I wasn't even sure if it was close to the city. Merion? Could be a small hamlet outside of Pittsburgh. What was Amy/Alison supposed to do with it?

The answer was sitting across the room, my desk, in the form of a present.

I walked over to the record player on my desk. It had a silver bow and a yellow note attached to it: Play Me. There was a 45 record on the platter. The label had been ripped off. I lifted the arm and dropped the needle into the groove. A familiar guitar note wailed, and rhythm guitars kicked in.

If I could make a wish… I think I'd pass…

Oh God. Not that song.

Can't think of anything I need…

I could feel the tears forming in my/Alison's eyes, and our body starting to tremble. She was remembering. Triggered by the Hollies’ “The Air That I Breathe.” The song she died to. The song that would blast open all the doors in her psyche. In a split second, I relived every torment. And so did Amy. After all, songs pinned down times and places like nothing else.

Bodily control was jerked away from me, and I was back in the Brain simulation of my apartment. (It was kind of like the two different viewpoints you get when you shut one eye, then the other. Subtle, but a shift nonetheless.) I felt us moving toward a mirror. She glared into it, hair in her face, cheeks wet. “Who am I?"

I formed a mental mike and spoke to her. It's me, Del. I'm here to help you Am… Alison.

“I remember,” she said.

I know you do.

“I remember everything."

Yes, I understand.

“I want my husband back."

Okay, Alison. Let's go get him.