Secret for a Nightingale

In the Streets of Constantinople

On a bleak November day we sailed into the Bosphorus, that narrow strait which separates Europe from Asia. The wind was shrieking, for the storm had stayed with us and it buffeted us as we stood on the deck. It was. a wonderful sight in spite of the rain. Promontories rose on either side of the bays and gulfs, and cypress and laurel grew along the shores. Picturesque boats, like gondolas which we learned were called caiques made their way up and down the waters. One of the gulfs formed the harbour of Constantinople and opposite that was Scutari, which was to be our destination. About a third of a mile separated the two towns.

In the semi-darkness of early morning, the scene was romantically beautiful, but as it became light it was less so.

We could then see the muddy shores, and the vast Barrack Hospital which had looked like a Caliph’s palace rising out of the gloom was now seen to be dirty, crumbling and in a state of decay. Tents, booths and huts had been set up about it, presided over by an array of nationalities. I saw two soldiers, one limping and one with a dirty bandage round his head, making unsteady progress among the booths.

Soon we were disembarking, which meant being lowered into the caiques with our carpet bags and then taken ashore.

And so we arrived at the hospital at Scutari.

There was no real road only a rough and muddy path; and to reach the plateau on which the hospital was situated it was necessary to climb up this path.

My first impression of that hospital was so depressing that I almost wished I could get back to the Vectis and ask to be taken home.

Hopelessness seemed to permeate the air. I sensed that even Henrietta’s spirits were quelled. I was not sure what we had expected, but it was not this.

We were breathless when we had climbed up to the plateau and the nearer we came to the hospital, the more our misgivings increased. Now we could see the stalls and booths clearly. Most of them sold drink. I saw a woman in a spotted velvet gown clutching a bottle under her arm, and making her way to the hospital.

“Camp followers,” I whispered to Henrietta.

“I can’t believe that.”

“I’ve read about them.”

“Not in the hospital, surely.”

“We’ll see.”

And we did.

The hospital was truly enormous. At least, I thought, we shall have plenty of room. This was not the case. Most of the space was taken up with the wards. When I saw how many sick and suffering lay there, I was astounded; and later I learned that they were not suffering from the effects of war but of disease. There had been a cholera epidemic which had killed thousands.

Damp ran down the hospital walls, and the once grand tiles of the floors were broken in many places; the courtyard was littered with decaying refuse which must have been left there for some time.

Disorder and decay, with the inevitable disease, seemed to be the chief characteristic of the place.

How could an army fight a war from such a background?

I felt angry with those at home who had sent out men like Lily’s William to suffer the hardships they would inevitably endure. Better to die in combat, I thought, than to be brought to such a hospital.

People like Lady Mary Sims and Mrs. Jarvis-Lee were ‘becoming more and more disenchanted, and their desire to do good for their country was rapidly waning.

Miss Nightingale was in despair, but she was not one to give way to such emotion; and I could see that she was immediately formulating plans to remedy the situation and was beginning to grapple with the unexpected setbacks which awaited us.

Six rooms had been allotted to us; one of these was a kitchen and the other so small that it would be impossible to get more than two people in it.

“Well,” she said, ‘we must for the time being accept what is here. “

She hoped there would be improvements later.

When we saw the rooms our hearts sank even lower, although we were now prepared for discomforts. There were divans round the walls, Turkish fashion, and we were expected to sleep on these. They were damp and dirty.

Miss Nightingale said: “The first thing we must do is clean them and then divide ourselves up as to how we shall fit ourselves in. Let us remember that we are not here to be comfortable but to heal the sick.”

We immediately set about cleaning the rooms. Eliza kept with us for, since that encounter on the deck, we had become good friends. I had told Henrietta about the episode; she had been very sympathetic and with her natural charm she had managed to convey that she wished to be friends. We often found that Eliza was beside us and that was good for us. Eliza was a natural protector. She was big, domineering and bellicose, and most of the others were a little afraid of her. Her attitude to Ethel had shown a softness in her, a natural kindliness which she would try to hide; and although she showed she had a mild contempt for the manner in which we spoke, behaved, and were unaccustomed to the harshness of life, she was our friend.

“This will be our corner,” she said to me with a wink.

“We’ll claim it and once we have, it’s ours. Look,” she went on, pointing to a heap of dirt.

“Rats! They’ve been here. What can you expect with all that rubbish about? I reckon the rats live like lords. I’m beginning to itch. Wouldn’t surprise me if there wasn’t a few hoppers around here.”

I was very glad of their companionship; and I think Henrietta was too.

I had a notion that she was beginning to think that marriage with Lord Cariton might have been preferable to the situation she now found herself in. Henrietta was not a dedicated nurse, but she had beauty and charm which had showed itself at Kaiserwald and made her very popular with the patients. It was different with me. I would rather do nursing than anything else; and if I had to do it in Scutari instead of the dream-hospital I had imagined at home, then so be it.

When I think back to that arrival in Scutari, the images are confused.

What I remember most vividly is those poor men lying in their beds without adequate clothes and bed covering nothing but dirty sheets against the cold. I think of floors with rats scuttling across them; of the horrible smell of disease and corruption. I knew that Miss Nightingale turned with fierce indignation against those ministers snug in their London comforts who had sent these men out to fight the country’s wars with inadequate medical supplies. How foolish they were! How shortsighted! Everyone at home thought the British army invincible. But it took more than might and power to fight disease. At once it was apparent to me that disease cholera and dysentery were a greater enemy than the Russians.

The first thing we did was to scrub and wash. We had to bring some cleanliness into this hospital. Dirt hand in hand with disease was the curse of this war.

There were no candles. Miss Nightingale had discovered that there was a dearth of them and said they must be saved for necessary purposes.

So we went to bed in the dark and stretched out on our divans; Ethel and Eliza on one side, Henrietta next to me.

“This is a fine caper,” said Eliza.

“Who would have thought we should end up like this?”

And as we lay there listening to the rats scurrying across the floor, we were so exhausted that we were soon asleep.

During the next day I saw Charles Fenwick. He looked thinner and tired. We were busy cleaning our quarters, for the more we saw of the Barrack Hospital, the less desirable it seemed. Of course, Miss Nightingale had been right in ordering that before we could do anything we must clean up the place as best we could. It was an almost superhuman task and should have been done by degrees, but at least we could make a good start.

Charles had heard that we had arrived and came to see us. He took my hands and we looked at each other.

“So you are here?” he said.

“And Henrietta?”

“She is with me.”

“But you must be horribly shocked.”

I admitted that we were. We had not expected anything luxurious, but this . “It has that effect on us all. But you look well, Anna.”

“I am well, thank you.”

“Oh yes. There is so much to do. It was the cholera epidemic which made it as you see it now. We could have managed the casualties, although supplies are grossly inadequate. It makes one feel quite helpless.”

“Something will be done now Miss Nightingale is here. She is determined that this state of affairs shall not continue.”

He smiled.

“There is prejudice against her. Oh, we are bedevilled by the authorities, Anna. People who know nothing of conditions here .. people at home in Whitehall are giving the orders. It won’t do.” He looked anxiously at me.

“Anna, are you going to be able to endure this?”

“We have come to do a job and we shall do it.”

“You and Henrietta will. I wonder about the others. It was spartan at Kaiserwald, I know, but nothing like this. That was minor discomfort.

This is real hardship. And the winter will be coming on. “

“Oh dear, this is not a very happy welcome, is it?”

“I do not like to think of you and Henrietta here, seeing the sights you will see.”

“Charles, we have come here to nurse the sick and we shall do it.”

“And Henrietta … she will never be able to endure it. She is not as strong as you are, Anna. Not so determined.”

“She will stay here, I believe,” I said.

“I must find her. You will want to see her.”

I brought her to him.

He took her hands and gazed at her as he had at me. I smiled at them fondly. I believed he was attracted by her and that seemed inevitable to me. Everyone must be attracted by Henrietta.

“Charles!” she cried.

“How wonderful to see you! This is like old times. I could expect the H.D. to come bustling in at any moment and give me one of those withering looks of hers.”

“It is very different from Kaiserwald, Henrietta,” I said.

“I can see that already. There is work to be done here.”

“I was saying to Anna that it is going to be hard for you. Women should not be here.”

“We get very cross with men who say things like that, don’t we’ Anna.

“Very,” I agreed.

He said: “God bless you both. But I am truly concerned for you.”

“What about all the men out here? We haven’t seen the wards properly yet, but…”

“It will distress you,” said Charles.

“Then it is time we came to help,” I replied briskly.

“We … heard that Dr. Adair was here,” said Henrietta.

“You know … the one who has written those books.”

“Oh yes,” said Charles, ‘he’s here. He’s mostly in the General Hospital. “

“Where is that?” asked Henrietta eagerly.

“It’s all part of the same place, really. It’s about a quarter of a mile away in fact.”

“Perhaps we shall meet the famous gentleman one day,” said Henrietta.

“I dare say you’ll see him about. He’s here quite often. Usually he’s in a rage about the lack of vital supplies … as we all are.”

The mention of his name affected me emotionally although he had never been far from my mind.

I said: “Miss Nightingale will do something, I am sure. She will be sending despatches to London. Something will be done now she is here.”

“It’s like getting blood out of a stone. These senseless people at home! I mustn’t go on about them but they do make me angry.”

“I can well understand that,” I said.

“Now we shall have to be getting on with our work. We shall see you later, I hope.”

“Often, I hope,” said Charles.

“If you are in any difficulties come to me. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Isn’t that a comfort?” cried Henrietta, giving him one other languishing smiles.

He said: “It’s wrong of me … but I am glad you are here.”

“Wrong?” queried Henrietta.

“Why wrong?”

“Because of what you will go through.”

“You forget we chose it,” I reminded him.

“It is what we want.”

He smiled at me.

“I know,” he said.

“I think you are wonderful.”

We went back to our scrubbing.

Henrietta said: “I have a feeling that soon we are coming face to face with the demonic doctor.”

She was right.

I knew that Charles would be coming out of the ward at a certain time and if he were in the vicinity he liked to have a word with us. We had not been allowed to do any nursing yet. There was some conspiracy among the medical staff to keep us out, as incompetents. But, as Miss Nightingale said, no nursing could be of any use without fundamental cleanliness so there was plenty for us to do meanwhile until we could prove ourselves worthy of professional trust.

There was a small room close to the entrance of the ward and I expected Charles to be there. As I approached I was aware of the sound of voices. I hesitated and then I heard a man speaking in deep resonant tones which made him very audible: “I want supplies … not a parcel of these Nightingale women. What good are they going to be?

None at all! Just a damned hindrance. We shall have them fainting all over the place . having the vapours . going into hysterics . demanding feather beds. I want supplies and they send me these foolish women. “

I was so enraged that I stood there stunned.

Then I heard Charles’s voice: “You are wrong. There are some very good girls among them. You will have to change your opinion.”

“I doubt it. Oh, I know some of these women like the idea of playing nurse. The reality will be quite another matter. You know what’s wrong. The Army is being decimated. Not by the Russians but by disease and neglect. Because there is nothing here … nothing with which to cure them. Nothing, nothing … and they send us a parcel of Nightingales. Shortly we shall be getting the wounded in from Balaclava and what have we got? Medicines? Dressings? No! A gaggle of useless women.”

I acted on impulse. I opened the door and went in. My eyes were blazing, my cheeks scarlet.

“Anna!” cried Charles.

“I overheard,” I said.

I was looking straight at him and I knew at once who he was. He was tall rather leaner than I had imagined; his hair was black; his eyes were such a dark brown that they looked black also; they were deeply set and luminous. His high cheeks gave a lean look to his face; his nose was long and straight; his mouth was curved into a smile which I think meant he was amused. His appearance had not disappointed me. He was almost exactly as I had imagined him.

“Ah,” he said.

“A Nightingale herself. Well, they do say that listeners never hear any good of themselves.”

“This is Dr. Adair, Anna,” said Charles.

“Adair, Miss Pleydell.”

He bowed almost ironically.

I said: “I have read some of your books.”

“How gracious of you to mention it.”

He was waiting for eulogies and got a cool silence.

Tm. sorry you have such a poor opinion of us,” I said.

“I do not think we are going to be a hindrance.”

“Miss Pleydell was at Kaiserwald,” said Charles.

“I believe she made quite an impression there. They thought she was an excellent nurse. Miss Marlington was with her. I am sure you will change your opinion . at least of these two. “

I was trembling. Here he was standing before me. In my imagination I had put horns on his head and given him cloven feet. I pictured him in Aubrey’s Temple of Sin. I was trying to calm myself, but my emotion was overwhelming me. After all, this meeting was what I had been working for; it was the thought of revenge which had sustained me during my months of mourning. And here I was. I had tracked down my quarry. Who would have believed it would be in a hospital in Scutari?

I realized at once that he was formidable.

I heard Henrietta’s voice.

“Anna, are you there? Is Charles there?”

She came into the room.

I said: “Henrietta, this is Dr. Adair.”

“Oh!” Her eyes were wide and for a moment I was afraid she would say something impetuously.

“This is Miss Marlington who was with Miss Pleydell in Kaiserwald,” said Charles.

He bowed coolly.

“How do you do?” said Henrietta, the colour coming into her cheeks and her eyes dancing with excitement.

“Dr. Adair has just been expressing his contempt for us,” I said.

“He thinks we are going to have vapours and demand feather beds.”

“Any bed would be preferable to our flea-ridden divans,” said Henrietta.

“I should not be particular about the feathers.”

“I think you will find more to complain of than your divans,” said Dr. Adair.

“And think it is brave of them to come out here,” said Charles.

“I have the utmost admiration for them all. “

“Let us hope that everyone will share your feelings.” And with a rather imperious movement of the head, Dr. Adair indicated that the meeting was over.

Charles said: “I must get on, too. I hope all is well with you.”

“As well as can be expected,” replied Henrietta.

Dr. Adair gave us a nod and was gone.

“So that is Dr. Adair,” said Henrietta.

“You mustn’t take to heart what he said, Anna,” Charles told me.

“What did he say exactly?” asked Henrietta.

“That we were a feckless, useless lot of women a parcel he called us and we’re going to be an encumbrance rather than a help.”

“He was just expressing his fury about not having the supplies he needs. He is very angry about that. We all are.”

“He wasn’t talking about supplies, but us,” I insisted.

“He has made up his mind about us before he knows us. He is arrogant, conceited, impossible. I do not think I am going to like your Dr. Adair.”

“Why do you call him mine?” asked Charles.

“Because I can see you think he is something of a hero.”

“He works very hard here.”

“And so do you. So do we all.”

“There is something special about Dr. Adair.”

“Yes. An aura of self-satisfaction.

“I am the great man. Whatever I do is wonderful!”

“How vehement you are, Anna. He has upset you with those careless remarks.”

“Not only the remarks,” I said tersely.

I wanted to get away. I was beginning to show my feelings, and that was not wise. My hatred for this man was too strong for me to hide it; the meeting although I had expected it was in a way too sudden.

“We must go,” I said to Henrietta.

“I’ll see you later,” said Charles.

“Well,” said Henrietta when we were alone, ‘so that is the man.

Impressive, isn’t he? “

“He is just as I imagined him to be. Now that I’ve seen him I hate him more than ever … if that is possible.”

“H’m,” said Henrietta.

“I did think he was rather fascinating.”

I looked at her impatiently and she laughed at me.

“Do you know,” she said, “I think this is all going to be worth while just to meet him.”

All thought of anything else was wiped from my mind on that terrible day when they brought in the wounded from the battle of Balaclava to Scutari. The suffering of those men was beyond description. There was no way of bringing them to the hospital except by carrying the stretchers up the incline to the plateau and it was heartrending to watch those poor wounded men groaning in agony as the Turkish bearers brought them clumsily up the slope.

We had not enough beds for them all and many had to lie on the floor.

There was a pathetic dearth of blankets and not enough bandages. But what we lacked chiefly was medical supplies.

The doctors were in despair. How were they going to deal with so many casualties? The terrible truth was that many who could have been saved had we been properly equipped were going to die. Miss Nightingale decided that ten of us should be sent to the General Hospital, which was really an extension of the Barrack; the remainder of our party was to stay at the Barrack. I was one of those chosen to go to the General with Henrietta, and we were delighted that Eliza and Ethel were with us. It had been noticed that we got on well together and it was probably thought a good plan to mix the two sides the ladies, as they said, and the others, between whom a certain hostility had been noticed.

My first thought was that we were going to work where he was, and I did not know whether to be glad or sorry. I wanted to know more about him, of course; but on the other hand I was sure that I should be in conflict with him. He had already shown me that he despised us. That was not a very good relationship between doctor and nurse.

During those terrible days we were too busy to think of anything but tending the sick. The suffering I saw so disturbed me that I tried to purge my mind of it and I did succeed in some measure in eliminating it from my thoughts. But it came back to me in odd moments and filled me with melancholy and I knew in my heart that it was something one could never forget. Looking back, there is a blurred picture of blood and horror sights I never thought to witness and fervently hoped I never would again. Never could the horrors of war have been brought home more clearly than they were in that hospital in Scutari; and the stupidity and callousness of the men who planned it for others to perform filled me with an indignation which inspired me to carry out tasks which I should otherwise not have had the strength to do.

Days moved into night. I was there constantly without relief, hurrying from bed to bed. I took only a few hours’ sleep here and there and I saw pain and suffering which I should remember all my life. I was touched beyond belief by the hope in those poor, pain-crazed eyes of cruelly wounded men, and Miss Nightingale came quietly through the wards, holding her lamp high, pausing by the beds of those most afflicted, whispering a few words of encouragement, telling^ us what should be done. I had never thought to see such horror, to live through such terrible human suffering, and yet I was uplifted. I knew this was my mission and what I was born for. Moreover, I felt I was doing some good. I had the power to soothe and there were occasions when the touch of my hands on a fevered brow seemed to have a miraculous effect.

Henrietta did well. She lacked my strength and tired easily, but I noticed that her feminine presence brought solace to many. She was so pretty, like a flower among all that horror; nothing could rob her of her exquisite daintiness, not even exhaustion and our far from becoming uniforms. Ethel was gentle; she was too easily moved, but the patients saw this and loved her for it; as for Eliza, she had great strength and could lift a man with ease. So the four of us in our different ways did not give such a bad account of ourselves.

During the days when there was nothing to do but work, and in the desire to perform well-nigh impossible tasks, I forgot everything but the work on hand. I did not even remember that I had wanted to come here for a personal purpose and that was to find the man who, I believed, had ruined my husband and by his neglect killed my child and to expose him in all his villainy. He was nearby, working indefatigably like the rest of us. I saw him now and then, his white coat often crimson with blood, his mouth stern, his eyes blazing in fury; and he affected me deeply. Sometimes he would bark out orders to us in a way which showed he did not expect much from us and wondered why we were cluttering his hospital.

I had a notion that he was aware of me, although he often passed me as though we had not been introduced by Charles, though sometimes he would nod briefly and give a command.

“Go and wash that patient. Be careful. He’s a very sick man.”

I wanted to shout at him sometimes, but I never did. I always meekly obeyed. He had a way of subduing those about him and was treated with great awe throughout the hospital.

There was a terrible morning when the wounded were being brought in and among them was one man with his right leg smashed.

I was trying to make him comfortable when Dr. Adair came up with one of the other doctors, whose name was Legge. I stood back while they examined the man, who lay back looking as though he were on the point of death.

The doctor moved away and Dr. Adair said: “Gangrene.-It’s got to come off.”

“The shock will kill him,” replied Dr. Legge.

“The gangrene will kill him in any case. I’m going to take the risk and the sooner the better.”

“He’ll never stand up to it.”

“I shall do it,” said Dr. Adair. Then he noticed me.

“You can be in attendance,” he added.

Dr. Legge was looking at him in horror.

“But.. he began.

“She’s come here as a nurse,” said Dr. Adair.

“If women undertake to be professionals, they’ll have to get used to these things.” He looked at me sardonically.

“We’ve got to make use of what we’ve got. God knows, it’s poor enough.” His glance raked me like a scalpel.

I was not sure whether he was referring to me or to the equipment both, I supposed.

“I’ll perform the surgery at once.”

“He can’t stand it.”

“There’s just a chance and I’m going to take it.”

It was like something out of a hideous nightmare. The operation had to be performed in the ward. There was nowhere else. The patient was put on a board supported by trestles.

“This will be gruesome. Miss er Nightingale,” said Dr. Adair to me with a twist of his lips.

“I hope you won’t faint. It doesn’t help and you will be ignored if you do. We shan’t be leaving the patient to administer sal volatile.”

“I didn’t expect you would and I shall not faint.”

“Don’t be too sure. You will soothe the patient. Hold his hand. Let him grip you. Do your best.”

“I will.”

And I did. I used all my strength. I was praying earnestly all the time.

“Dear God,” I kept saying.

“Dear God.” And that poor man was saying with me.

“Dear God.”

I did not look at what was happening. I knew that I could not do that.

I just held his hand and he clung to mine, gripping it so fiercely that it felt numb . and I went on praying aloud with him.

Mercifully he dropped into unconsciousness.

“There’s nothing more you can do,” said Dr. Adair.

I turned away. I felt I had come through the most taxing ordeal of my life and not too badly. I saw Dr. Adair next day and he was ungracious enough to say nothing of my part in it.

Later that day the man died.

I learned it from Dr. Adair himself. I was outside the ward when I saw him.

“Our operation was not successful,” he said.

“It seemed … unnecessary,” I said.

“Unnecessary! Do you know what gangrene is? It’s the death of the tissues. It’s the result of the interruption of the blood supply.”

“I know. He would have died, but it seems unnecessary to have inflicted extra pain.”

“Are you advising me, Miss er Nightingale?”

“Certainly not. I am just saying that it seems sad that this man, who was doomed in any case, had to suffer the amputation unnecessarily.”

“Our job is to save life, Miss Pleydell. If there is a chance we must take that chance. At best we have saved a life; at worst we have gained a little experience. “

“So the patient, having already been used by those who wish to make war, still has his uses. He may help renowned doctors to become even more so.”

“There,” he said, ‘you have got to the root of the matter. “

He bowed ironically and passed on.

I was very shaken by the experience, but there was no time to brood.

Men were still arriving from Balaclava surely the most futile battle ever fought. Oh, it was magnificent, the Charge of the Light Brigade.

Glorious, some called it those who had not seen the wretched survivors. The fortunate were those who died in that wild, foolhardy charge.

Soon afterwards Lady Mary Sims and Mrs. Jarvis-Lee went home. They said they thought they could serve their country better in England. Perhaps they could, for they were useless as nurses but would be very efficient organizing charity balls and bazaars for the support of the hospitals.

People talked a great deal about the brilliant Dr. Adair. We were so fortunate to have him in the hospital, they said. I believed he was all that I had thought him to be a clever doctor, no doubt, but without sympathy or sensitivity. I was sure he looked upon his patients as material for his experiments. I told myself that all along he had known he could not save that man’s life by amputating his leg; but he had wanted to do so in the hope of learning something.

Suffering did not touch him. What mattered to him was his quest for knowledge and, of course, the aggrandisement of Dr. Damien Adair.

When the terrible aftermath had begun to die down a little and the dead had been buried and the survivors were teetering on the brink of life and death, I did not see Dr. Adair for two days. I was very aware of that, for the days seemed oddly empty. I missed the flaring of resentment, the anger against him which had become so much a part of my existence; and my determination to bring him to his just desserts in some way as yet not clear to me was stronger than ever.

Then I heard that he was no longer in the hospital.

Although Charles was in the Barrack Hospital, as it was so near we did meet now and then; and when I saw him I asked what had happened to Dr. Adair.

“He has just gone off… for a few weeks, I believe.”

“Surely not on holiday!”

“Maybe he wanted a little respite.”

“A respite? When all this is going on?”

“He has worked very hard.”

“So have we all. I should have thought his place was here.”

Charles said: “He was working day and night.”

“But we all were.” I wondered why everyone wanted to defend him.

And that was all I knew.

Life went on grimly. After the Battle of Inkerman was won by the British and French, we had thought Sebastopol would fall into our hands and that, we guessed, would be the turning-point of the war.

Alas, the powers that be had made another misjudgement. Sebastopol was under siege and that was how it was going to remain for some time to come. There would be no easy victory.

The winter was approaching fast and casualties were arriving constantly. We had very little time off duty but I think it was realized that we needed some respite and that if we did not have it, we ourselves should be ill.

We needed to get away from the hospital for a few hours and we were told that a party of us might take one of the caiques and visit Constantinople for an hour or so.

We set out in a group of six. We should not have been allowed to go in pairs. Some of us were to pick up stores which were needed.

We felt quite excited to get away from the gloom of the hospital and the perpetual presence of pain; and we all had a feeling of determination that for this short space of time we must stop thinking about the horrors through which we had all lived for so long and which would be waiting for us on our return.

The caique carried us across to the opposite side “of the Bosphorus and Constantinople lay before us. The very name had a romantic ring, and how magnificent it looked with its domes and minarets. There was the old castle of the Seven Towers with its gloomy history, since so many sultans had been put to death there by rebellious soldiery, and where many other prisoners had been incarcerated for years and submitted to hideous torture. I wanted to see the Topkapi Palace, home of sultans, with their fabulous wealth and harems.

Often I had looked across the narrow strip of water and felt there was a world unknown to me, a world strangely different from Victorian England perhaps a little like that of India which I had known in my youth, for that had seemed different before I had seen it through adult eyes and it had lost so much of its romance.

We had been warned that we must be careful. We knew that there were really two cities one was called Christian Constantinople and that other, which was often called Stamboul, was the Turkish quarter and lay on the south side of the Golden Horn. There were bridges connecting the two and we were told on no account to venture into Stamboul.

It was so exciting to be among all that Saracenic and Byzantine architecture and I was longing to explore.

I suppose we were conspicuous in our uniforms with our holland scarves on which was embroidered Scutari Hospital in red. I noticed how people glanced at us and stood aside to let us pass.

It was the bazaars and little alleys which attracted most of the nurses. These were crowded and it was difficult to keep together.

Henrietta slipped her arm through mine.

“Don’t lose me,” she whispered.

“I’d be a bit scared if you did.”

The streets grew narrower; the shops were like dark caves in which all sorts of merchandise was displayed . brass, ornaments, jewellery, silks. Here and there one of the owners sat at his door smoking a hubble-bubble pipe; strange music came from somewhere; barefooted boys ran through the crowds, pushing against us, reminding us that we must take care of what little money we had.

We stopped at a stall to look at some earrings. There were various colours in enamel and they were very pretty.

“Hardly suitable for ward duty,” I commented.

“My dear girl, we are not going to be here forever. You wait.

Sebastopol will fall, and it will be home for us. “

“I hope you are right.”

“I am going to buy some. These blue ones. You should have the green.”

The old man set aside his hubble-bubble pipe, scenting business, and the transaction took a little time. We were expected to bargain but did not know how, and I think we disappointed our salesman, who would rather have had a lower price and a little entertainment.

And when we had paid for our earrings we discovered that we were no longer with the party.

“Never mind,” said Henrietta.

“We’ll find our way back.”

“And I think we should set about doing it immediately,” I replied.

We attempted to retrace our steps but instead of coming out of the maze of bazaars we found ourselves getting deeper into it.

I noticed a dark man watching us, and it seemed to me that he might be following us.

We came to an alley.

“Let’s try this,” said Henrietta.

“It’s less crowded. Perhaps we could find someone who speaks English and could direct us.”

We had not gone far when, to our dismay we realized that the alley was a cul-de-sac, and as we attempted to retrace our steps, several boys they must have been in their early teens came towards us. Two slipped behind us and the others barred our way.

I took Henrietta’s arm and attempted to push past them; but they had surrounded us. One of them seized my cloak; the others had Henrietta by the sleeve.

I said: “We want to get to the caiques. We have to get back to the hospital.”

One of them came closer and held out his hand.

“Money,” he said.

“You give poor boy.”

Henrietta looked at me.

“We’re poor nurses,” she said.

“We have no money.”

It was clear that they did not understand a word. They were glaring at us menacingly.

I don’t know what would have happened then but the dark man whom I had seen in the bazaar came into the alley.

He made straight for us and let out a stream of words which must have been abuse at the boys; and it was effective for it sent them scurrying away.

He turned to us. He had only a few words of English, which made communication difficult, but I imagined he was asking us if he could help.

I said: “We want to go to the caiques. We must get back to the hospital.”

“Hospital,” he said, nodding and pointing to our scarves. I looked at Henrietta with relief. This seemed like a stroke of good fortune.

“Follow,” said our rescuer.

We did and he led us out of the cul-de-sac to a spot where two or three horse-drawn carriages were waiting, evidently for hire.

I said: “We do not need a carriage. We cannot be far from the waterfront.”

But he was already handing Henrietta into one of them. I got in beside her, protesting, and while I was trying to get Henrietta out, the carriage started and our rescuer was giving the driver instructions.

It was not long before I noticed that we were not going in the direction of the waterfront.

“This is not the way,” I muttered to Henrietta.

Her eyes were wide with alarm.

“Oh … Anna, what do you think it means?”

I shook my head. I dared not imagine what this man’s intentions were when, to my horror, I realized we were crossing one of the bridges which spanned the Golden Horn and so were being taken out of Christian Constantinople to that other part of the city into which we had been warned not to enter.

The horse increased its pace and I thought that any moment we should overturn; this did not happen, though I feared that those children and old people in our path would be ridden down; somehow they always managed to escape. We had come to a street of several tall houses; they looked dark and mysterious because there were few windows.

Then our carriage turned into a gateway and we were in a courtyard.

“Out,” said the man.

I looked at Henrietta, wondering whether we should refuse to get out.

It was not, however, our choice. Our captor had made it clear that we must obey. He pulled first Henrietta and then me out of the carriage; and gripping our arms, he led us through a doorway to a dark passage.

Before us was a flight of stairs.

“Up,” said our captor.

I turned to him.

“Listen,” I said loudly.

“Where is this? I demand to know. We are nurses. English nurses. You implied that you were taking us to the waterfront. Where is this? I will not go a step further.”

His answer was to take my arm and push me up the stairs. I heard Henrietta gasp.

“Anna …”

“We have to get away,” I said.

“How …?”

A man appeared at the top of the stairs. Our captor spoke to him and he stood aside. They talked together excitedly for a few seconds; then the man who had brought us here took our arms and forced us into a corridor.

We were pushed into a small dark room, heavily curtained, with divans along the walls; and the door shut on us.

I ran to it and tried to open it. I could not do so, for it was locked.

“It’s no use,” said Henrietta.

“We’re prisoners.”

We stared at each other, each trying to pretend that we were only half as frightened as we felt.

“What does it mean?” asked Henrietta.

I shook my head.

“We were idiots. Why did we get lost? These wretched earrings ..”

“I thought the others were with us.”

“What is going to happen to us?”

I saw the thoughts forming in her mind. She said: “I’ve heard of this sort of thing. There have been many cases of women … taken … made into slaves … in harems.”

“Oh no!”

“Why not? That’s how the sultans live, isn’t it? They have women in all those harems. They take them captive during wars and they become slaves.”

“These are our allies. Don’t forget we are fighting their war.”

“Would they mind that? That man was following us. Perhaps it was all arranged … those boys to surround us and he came along and rescued us to bring us here. Do you think this is a sultan’s palace?”

“It’s certainly not Topkapi.”

“Oh, Anna, I hope they don’t separate us. I’ve been longing for something to happen all through these dreary days. I was so sick of the smell of blood and disease and all the horror. I prayed for something to happen … anything, I said, to get me out of this place and now this. I wonder what it is like in a harem?”

“Somehow I don’t think that is the answer. Just look at us. We’re hardly objects of desire. These uniforms … Look at my hair.

Somehow I can never wash it properly here. We both look pale and tired. Scarcely prizes for a sultan’s seraglio. “

“We’d seem different, though. There might be an allure about us because we are foreign; and when we’ve been bathed in asses’ milk and decked out in jewels we could be very fascinating.”

She laughed but I could hear the note of hysteria in her voice.

“Stop it, Henrietta,” I said.

“We’re going to need all our wits. We have got to look for a way of escape. Watch out.”

She gripped my arm.

“We’ve got to stay together. Because you’re here I’m not afraid … at least not so much afraid as I should be if I were alone.”

“Whatever happens we’ll try to keep together.”

“What will they be thinking back at the hospital?”

“That we disobeyed orders and left the party.”

“It was the party which left us! Do you think they will send someone to look for us?”

“Of course not. They’re all needed for more important things.”

“Anna, what will become of us?”

“We have to wait and see. Be ready. We’ve got to get out of this place.”

“How? And if we do, where are we?”

“We could find our way to the waterfront. That’s all we have to do.

There are caiques all over the place. Listen. “

The door opened. We sprang towards it. It was our dark captor.

“Come,” he said.

“Where are you taking us?” I demanded.

He did not answer.

Henrietta and I looked at each other. We were waiting for that opportunity. When it came we must be ready. Holding us firmly, he took us up a flight of stairs. Only then did he release Henrietta that he might scratch on the door with his fingers. A voice from within said something and our captor opened the door and pushed us in.

The heavy curtains were drawn. I saw a table and on it was an ornate lamp which gave a glimmer of light to the room. A man was reclining on the divan; he wore a turban and there was something immediately familiar about him.

I thought: It can’t be, and yet . And when he spoke I knew.

“A pair of nightingales,” he said.

“Dr. Adair!” stammered Henrietta.

“I knew there would be trouble bringing out a parcel of women.”

“What does all this mean?” I demanded. The fear of the last hour was rapidly vanishing and in its place was an exultation and a tremendous excitement.

“We have been insulted … brought here against our will. We have been led to believe …”

I looked at Henrietta. Her mood had also changed. I saw the sparkling excitement in her eyes.

“The meaning is simple,” he said.

“Two foolish women allowed themselves to wander round the bazaars, were about to be robbed, were rescued and brought here. Thank your good fortune that you were in uniform. Those scarves you are wearing are your talismans. Scutari Hospital. Everyone knows where it is and that you come from it. It was for that reason that you were brought here.”

“To you?” I said.

“I have friends in this city. My connection with the hospital is known. So when two nightingales leave the nest and are discovered fluttering about in the sleazy quarters of the city they are snared and brought to me.”

“I can’t believe it,” I said.

“How else could it have been?” asked Henrietta.

“How else indeed? I am surprised that you were allowed to walk in the city.”

“We came with a party,” said Henrietta.

“And you mislaid the others?”

“They mislaid us. We stopped to buy something and then they weren’t there.”

“But what is this place?” I cried.

“What are you doing here? It’s not a hospital.”

“I do have a life outside hospitals,” he said.

“Why I am here is my own affair.”

“And dressed like a sultan!” said Henrietta with a little giggle. Poor girl, she had been truly frightened and I could see that hysteria still hovered.

“I am sure that you are both two well-brought-up young ladies and that your nannies told you many times that in the best society one does not ask impertinent questions.”

“I didn’t think it was impertinent,” began Henrietta.

I interrupted her: “Will you please tell us what is taking place?”

“Certainly. You were discovered in the streets by a friend of mine. He saw that you could easily walk into danger. He watched you for a while and followed you to a spot where you were about to be robbed .. possibly harmed. He rescued you and because it was clear from where you came, he brought you to me. You have been very fortunate today. First in wearing your uniform and secondly that I happened to be here at the time. I dare say you will be reprimanded for your tardy return to the hospital and I hope you are severely dealt with. This should be a lesson to you. Never, never venture into these streets alone. This is not Bath or Cheltenham, and well-brought-up young ladies would not be allowed to wander alone even there. This is a foreign land alien to your home. Ideas are different here … manners, customs, everything. Remember it. I shall give you coffee now, for we are waiting for a friend of mine who will take you back to the hospital.”

“And you …?” I began.

He raised his eyebrows.

I stammered: “I … I thought perhaps you might be returning. The casualties are mounting. It seems …” I looked round the room and at him in his turban, which made almost a stranger of him. He looked darker, his eyes more luminous.

“You are reproaching me for my self-indulgence, I see,” he said.

“You are needed at the hospital.”

He was smiling at me oddly a smile which I could not understand in the least.

At that moment there was a scratching at the door and a man came in carrying a brass tray on which were coffee and cakes. Dr. Adair said something to him which I could not understand and he set the tray down on a table.

“You will need a little refreshment,” he said to us.

“This is how they drink coffee here. I hope you will like it.”

We were seated on the divan beside him and he served us with the thick sweet coffee and the little spiced cakes.

He looked at us solemnly and said: “I have no doubt that your adventure to the Crimea is becoming a little wearisome. That is the way of these adventures. They are never quite what one thinks they will be when one sets out on them. I dare say you had pictures of yourselves in crisp white aprons and becoming gowns playing angels of mercy to grateful men. It is a little different, eh? “

“We did not expect it to be quite like that,” I said.

“We knew there would be hardship and suffering.”

“But such hardship? Such suffering?”

“We did see something of the sick at Kaiserwald,” said Henrietta.

“But I’ll admit you’re right. I never expected any thing like we found.”

“And if you had you would not have come.”

“No,” said Henrietta, “I wouldn’t. Anna would, though. Wouldn’t you, Anna?”

“Yes,” I said.

“I would.”

He looked at me with some scepticism.

“You are a young woman who would never admit she was in the wrong.”

“That is not true. I am often in the wrong.”

“About trivia, yes. But the big undertakings?”

“Not true again. I have undertaken important things and failed, and I have not deluded myself into thinking they were anything but my own failures.”

“Anna is a very unusual person,” said Henrietta.

“A rare person. I knew that as soon as I saw her. That was why I went to her when I decided to change my way of life.”

He looked from one of us to the other, nodding slowly.

“And you intend to stay the course?”

“If you mean until we are no longer needed, yes,” I answered.

“But I hope the war will soon be over,” added Henrietta.

“They are saying Sebastopol can’t hold out and that it is the key to victory.

Once it has fallen the war will be over. “

‘ “They” often delude themselves. Optimism is a good thing and a great help but perhaps realism is more so. “

“Do you mean you think it will not fall quickly?” I asked.

“I think the Russians are fully aware of its importance and that they are as determined to keep it as the British and the French are to take it.”

“I don’t think I could bear years and years of this sort of thing,” said Henrietta.

“Then I should go home. I believe some of your people have.”

“Those who did not understand what nursing is, have left,” I said.

“But I believe that is nothing for us to regret.”

Again there was a scratching on the door. Dr. Adair called out something in Turkish, I presumed, and the man who had brought the coffee looked in and with him was another man. He was tall, brown-haired and brown-eyed, but he looked quite fair compared with the darkness of our host.

“Philippe!” said Dr. Adair.

“Good of you to come so promptly. Let me introduce you. Monsieur Philippe Lablanche, Miss Pleydell, Miss Marlington.”

Philippe Lablanche bowed.

“They have had the misfortune to lose themselves in the city,” said Dr. Adair.

“Will you take them back to Scutari?”

“It will be my pleasure,” said the gallant Frenchman, his eyes shining with admiration which I thought must be for Henrietta, who looked very pretty in spite of her uniform.

“I won’t offer you coffee,” went on Dr. Adair, ‘because they should be getting back without delay. ” He turned to us:

“Monsieur Lablanche is one of our inestimable allies. He will take good care of you.”

“I shall do my best.”

“There is a conveyance in the courtyard. It will get you to the shore.”

“We must depart then, ladies,” said Monsieur Lablanche.

We rose and I said to Dr. Adair: “We have to thank you.”

He bowed his head in acknowledgement.

“What we should have done without you …” began Henrietta with a shiver.

“It’s worthy of a little contemplation,” he replied.

“Look on it as a worthwhile experience and it will make you less rash in future.”

“I really had imagined our being drugged and taken off to someone’s harem,” she told him.

“I hope the disappointment was not too great.”

Henrietta burst out laughing.

“Well, it all ended most satisfactorily.

Thank you, Dr. Adair. Thank you a thousand times. “

“Once will be enough,” he said.

And we left.

As he said, there was a conveyance waiting in the courtyard. As we got in I could not help feeling exhilarated and not a little puzzled by the adventure. What was he doing there dressed like that, living like a Turkish pasha? What could it all mean? What a man of mystery he was!

He became more and more intriguing the more I knew of him.

Philippe Lablanche proved to be charming. He was very gracious and seemed especially so when compared with Dr. Adair. He pointed out the landmarks of the old city as we passed through it. It was dusk and from the minarets the faithful were being called to prayer. The city, beautiful and mysterious, seemed alluring yet sinister in the dim light. I looked at Henrietta. She was wide-eyed and excitement brought colour to her cheeks. She looked as though she were entranced.

Philippe Lablanche told us that he was attached to the French army and that Dr. Adair was a great friend of his.

“A wonderful man,” he said.

“I know of no one quite like him. He is what it is you say when a man is …”

“Unique?” I suggested.

“What is unique?”

“How one is if there is no one on earth like one.”

“That,” he said, ‘is Dr. Damien Adair. “

“Have you read his books?” I asked.

“But of course. They have been translated into French. So I read them.

But perhaps that is not so good. One day I read them just as Dr. Adair wrote them. “

“He is a man who likes adventure.”

“It is the breath of life to him.”

“You, too, must have an adventurous time. Monsieur Lablanche.”

“Yes, yes. But that is so with war.”

“I suppose,” went on Henrietta, ‘we should not ask questions about what you do? “

“How understanding you are.”

“Then,” went on Henrietta, ‘we will not ask. We will let our imaginations work in secret and we shall never be sure. “

“That is kind of you … to think so much of me.”

“It is you who are kind. You are taking us back to safety.”

“Dr. Adair is right, you know. It is unwise for ladies to walk alone.”

“We imagined that we were being taken to some sultan’s harem,” said Henrietta with a laugh.

“Oh … it is not an impossibility. Such things have been known to happen. Some ladies have been carried off. You see, these people do not feel as we do.”

“I know,” I said.

“Women are of no great importance in some countries, existing merely to serve the men.”

“That is so. Mademoiselle. So you see, in strange places we must be prepared for strange customs.”

“We shall never forget this day, shall we, Anna?” said Henrietta.

“First a few hours’ freedom. What bliss! Then to be lost … and all the terror of being driven through the streets not knowing where we were going. If only he had told us! But he couldn’t, poor man, not understanding the language. And to find ourselves face to face with Dr. Adair looking like a sultan himself … Wonderful!”

She was looking at Philippe Lablanche almost wheedlingly. She was implying: Tell us what you know about the strange habits of our fascinating doctor.

But charming as he was and he really seemed eager to please he was not telling us, that was if he knew anything to tell.

We were crossing the Bosphorus now.

“Leaving Europe for Asia,” said Henrietta.

“That sounds very adventurous … but it is just a little channel of water. What a fascinating place this is! I wish we could see more of it. Odd, isn’t it, to be in this place and all we see is rows of hospital beds.”

“I think you are wonderful,” said Philippe Lablanche.

“I know you are a great comfort to those wounded men.”

“It is more than Dr. Adair thinks we are,” I said.

“Oh no. He thinks you are doing good work. Nobody could disagree with that. We have heard so much of you and the good lady Nightingale. She is regarded as a heroine … more than that. A saint. And you, her helpers, are angels … angels of mercy. You will never be forgotten.”

“We don’t feel much like angels, do we, Anna?” asked Henrietta.

“Not in the hospital. Though some of the men like to see us, I believe. But the powers that be … half the time think we are a nuisance.”

“It is not true. It is just that there is no time to say how good you are. There is so much to do.”

We had reached the shore.

“I shall come with you to the hospital,” said Philippe Lablanche.

“Oh, there is no need to,” I told him.

“We shall be all right now.”

“I should not consider my mission complete if I did not. And I will tell you this: I have business in the hospital. Many of our men are there. There are duties. I come now and then.”

“Then we may see you again,” said Henrietta.

“I shall hope so. In fact, I shall make sure that we meet again.”

We climbed the slope. The hospital lay before us, looking almost romantic in the darkness without the pitiless sun showing us its crumbling decay. Now it could well be the sultan’s palace.

“We are so grateful to you,” said Henrietta.

“You have been so gracious and kind … not making us feel that we are a pair of fools. Hasn’t he, Anna?”

“Indeed he has. Thank you. Monsieur Lablanche.”

“It has been my great pleasure to escort you.”

He was holding my hand and smiling at me. Then he took Henrietta’s hand. She gave him one of her dazzling smiles.

“Thank you. Thank you,” she said.

He was still holding her hand.

“Goodbye,” she said.

“No … not goodbye. I come here often. I shall seek you out. It is au revoir. That is a much nicer way of saying farewell … for the moment.”

“Indeed it is,” replied Henrietta.

“Come along,” I said.

“Let’s hope we have not caused too much trouble by being late.”

We went into the hospital. In a few minutes we should be on duty. And that, I thought, is the end of that little adventure. But I could not stop thinking of Dr. Adair and wondering about him.

I glanced at Henrietta. I was sure she was doing the same.

We talked about it afterwards as, side by side, we washed sheets in the enormous tub, sleeves rolled up, arms plunged deep in the greying water.

“Do you know,” said Henrietta, “I believe he has a harem in that place. I believe he lives like a sultan. When we went into that room I was waiting for him to clap his hands and say:

“Take them away; bathe them in asses’ milk; encircle their anklets with jewels; perfume them with the scents of Araby and send them to my couch.”

“I believe he is capable of anything.”

“I am sure he is. But, Anna, isn’t he the most fascinating creature you ever met?”

“He is the strangest. I detest him.”

“I wonder about him. He just walks out of the hospital when he has had enough of it and goes to his harem. Who else would think of such a thing? I’d like to see them, wouldn’t you?”

“Who?”

“The harem women, of course. I imagine them … black-eyed and luscious. That black stuff they put round their eyes makes them very enticing. There is something about those women in yashmaks. Imagine withholding yourself from the world because your lord and master commands you to. You can see there is one aim in their lives: to be attractive to men. Wouldn’t it have been amusing if we had been dragged to his harem and to confront him there and say, ” Dr. Adair, I presume. “

“Your imagination always runs away with your common sense. I don’t suppose there was a harem. I believe people gather in places like that to take drugs. You can imagine them all lying’ about on divans smoking hookahs.”

“You’re worse than I am! I much prefer the harem. But what an interesting man. I never met a more fascinating one.”

She talked of him continually.

Winter was with us. Icy winds blew across the land and it was impossible to keep the patients warm. Always we were in need. Since we had arrived, Miss Nightingale’s organization, persistence and common sense had made a great deal of difference, but there was still not enough.

Eliza was now working in what was called the invalids’ kitchen, which had been installed by Miss Nightingale. She herself had brought with her and paid for herself arrowroot and meat essences, which she wanted for the very sick. Eliza’s strength was useful in lifting the heavy pans; and I think the work was more suited to her than actual nursing.

Ethel had changed. She looked happier. I discovered the reason why one day when I saw her tending one of the wounded. It was something in the manner in which she smoothed his sheets, the smile about her lips; and I saw in his response that there was some understanding between them.

She was gentle, quiet, some might think ineffectual, but that frailty and helplessness had an allure, even to a man lying on a sickbed who must be feeling rather helpless himself.

One day when I was in the kitchen helping to prepare food for one of the very sick men, Eliza said to me: “Have you noticed Ethel?”

“Yes,” I answered, “I have.”

“She’s in love.”

“With that man.”

“That’s it. I wish this war was over. Only hope he don’t get cured enough to be sent out again. Not a chance in ‘ell of him coming back if he goes out there again.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Usual. Bullet in the chest. They thought he was a goner when he was brought in, like so many of them, poor devils. But he’s come through?

If you ask me it’s love what’s carrying him along. “

“So he is in love with Ethel?”

“They was both smitten at the same time. Cupid, ain’t he? Well, he got a direct hit on them two.”

“It’s charming. She looks so different… so pretty.”

“True. She does. Wonderful what a bit of love can do. Do you know, since Cupid struck, he’s been getting better. So has she. She worried me at times. Remember that time on deck? I bet you do. Something we would none of us forget in a hurry. She would have done it, you know.

They’ve got a lot of guts, them little ‘uns. She’d have gone right over if you hadn’t stopped her. “

“I felt that, too.”

“Well, she didn’t. Do you know, I reckon if she comes out of this all right and she’s got him to look after, I reckon that would just about be a bit of all right for Ethel.”

“Do you think he would marry her?”

“It’s what he’s said. He’s got a little farm out in the country somewhere. Shares it with his brother. Brother’s keeping it nice and warm till he gets back. Just the ticket for our Eth. Gawd ‘elp us. I pray that poor fellow don’t get well enough to be sent out again … just well enough when the right time comes to be sent home … and back to that little old farm with our Ethel.”

“Eliza,” I said, ‘you are a very good woman. “

“What! You going stark raving mad or something? It’s what this place does to you.”

“I’ll tell you what this place does to you. It makes you see things and people more clearly.”

“I’d be pleased to see little Ethel settled. It’s what she wants. The idea of her going back to that pigsty of a room, stitching away. It gives me the creeps. She wouldn’t be there more than two years.”

“We wouldn’t let her do that.”

“Who do you mean we?”

“You. Me.”

“What’s it got to do with you?”

“As much as it has with you.”

She looked at me through narrowed eyes and laughed.

“You know what you said about me a little while ago?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’ll return the compliment.”

“Thanks.”

As I was about to move away she said: “And I’ll tell you another whose got it as bad as Ethel.”

“Got what?”

“Love.”

“Oh?”

“Henrietta.”

“Henrietta? But with whom?”

“I dunno. You tell me. Someone. You can see it in her face. And let me tell you something else. It was when you came back from that late night out… when you got lost.”

I nodded.

“I saw her face. It was all a-shine. I’ve seen that look before and I know what it means. I wouldn’t mind betting that Henrietta has got as badly hit as our Ethel.”

“You’re mistaken. There isn’t anyone.”

“I reckon there is,” she said.

“You can’t fool old Eliza.”

“I’ll find out. I know her well.”

“You do … and you’ll see I’m right.”

After that I thought a great deal about Henrietta.

There was little time for anything but work. Although the casualties had decreased slightly, men were coming in from around Sebastopol almost frozen to death without adequate clothing, and starving. We were working for days with scarcely a break, snatching a few hours’ rest on our divans when we could.

I did talk to Henrietta now and then and I saw what Eliza meant about her. There was a certain radiance. I was very disturbed because she talked a great deal about Dr. Adair.

“I wonder if he will come back. Isn’t it different without him? It seems so dull. What a man! Imagine him … sporting with his harem while we are here.”

“I think he is absolutely despicable. He is a good doctor and we need good doctors. And he just walks off and leaves us . in pursuit of pleasure. “

“One would never really know a man like that.”

“Perhaps it would be better not to know him.”

“I should love to find out everything about him.”

The shine in her eyes, the lilt in her voice. Oh no, I thought, Henrietta could not be so foolish as to fall in love with him. Or could she? But he had gone and we might never see him again. Then I fell to thinking of my project to show the world what he really was, to prevent his using people as he had used Aubrey, to prevent his carelessly experimenting with lives as he had with my son’s. No, that was not fair. He had not exactly taken Julian’s life; he had simply not saved it because he wanted to experiment, in the same way as he had submitted that soldier to pain in order to gain some experience.

He was callous; he was hard and cruel; I hated him, and because of the intensity of my hatred the hospital seemed a dreary place without him.

It must be so, of course, because that was what it was; but when he was there, the prospect of meeting him suddenly, of feeling the hatred and resentment flare up within me, gave me some lilting of spirits and a meaning to the days.

One day when I was on my way to the wards I encountered Philippe Lablanche. He expressed great pleasure at the sight of me and told me that he was on one of his periodic visits to the hospital. He trusted I was none the worse for my adventure and I told him that I certainly was not and that it had all ended very pleasantly.

“No more trips into Constantinople?”

I shook my head.

“That was a very rare occasion. We are so busy here.

There is little time for junketing. “

“Soon Sebastopol must fall and then perhaps you will have a little time to look around that amazingly interesting city.”

“I shall before we go home.”

“Not just at first, though. You will have to stay a little while to look after your patients, I dare say. Then perhaps …”

He was smiling at me in a friendly fashion. Then he said:

“And your friend?”

I told him where he would find her and he left me.

Later I saw Henrietta and asked if he had found her.

“Yes,” she said.

“The gallant Frenchman. He’s rather a pet, isn’t he?”

“I think he is very charming.”

“He says that he does come to the hospital quite often. He would very much like to take us on a tour of Constantinople.”

“Unfortunately we are not here as sightseers.”

“A pity. Still, I must say I could enjoy another little encounter with our fascinating friend. I only wish …” I looked at her questioningly and she went on: “I believe you miss him as much as I do.”

“Who?”

“The demonic one.”

I forced a laugh, but I felt a tremor of uneasiness. I could not get Eliza’s words out of my mind.

“I wish he would get tired of that harem and come back to us.”

“I suppose we should not expect such a man to put duty before pleasure.”

She laughed at me.

“Oh, Anna, I can’t help it. You look so stern. You always do when you talk of him. And all the time I think you find him as fascinating as I do. Are you still bent on your quest?”

“If you mean do I still want to find some way of showing him up for what he is, yes.”

“But what is he? That’s what we don’t know. That’s what makes him the most exciting thing in our lives. I’m sure he’d get the better of us anyway … whatever we tried to do to him.”

She was laughing secretly to herself and I thought: She is obsessed with him.

I believed that I might be, too. But that was different. I knew he was a danger to those about him. I had seen the disintegration of my husband and I blamed him for that. I had read his books and I knew a great deal about him through them. His pagan spirit had looked out at me and I knew it was there.

I continued to be anxious about Henrietta. I knew how impulsive she could be. If he returned, if he had any notion of her feelings for him, what would he do? Would he attempt to exploit them? I feared he might.

I hope he will never come back, I said to myself.

But in my heart I longed for his return.

There was a small room close to the wards where we kept a few supplies and I was in there one day when Charles Fenwick came in. He looked very tired. Like all the doctors, he worked constantly and always under the shadow of frustration because of the lack of equipment.

“Oh, Anna,” he said.

“I’m glad I found you alone. I wanted to have a word with you.”

“It seems so long since we have spoken together,” I said.

“The two hospitals are really one and yet it is amazing how little one sees of one’s friends.”

“How is everything going?”

“Not very well. This wretched siege! If only they could break through.

We haven’t the heavy casualties now but the weather is killing our troops. Cholera. dysentery. These have always been a greater enemy than the Russians. It’s got to end. They can’t hang out indefinitely.

”

“They are a very determined people and they know how to suffer. Think what happened to Napoleon when he marched on Moscow.”

“This is different. Sebastopol has to fall. It is amazing that it has held out as long, but it can’t indefinitely and then the war will be virtually over. But it isn’t that I want to talk about with you. It’s us.”

“You mean … the doctors?”

“No. You, Anna … and myself.”

I looked at him questioningly and he laid a hand on my arm.

“I’m thinking ahead to when this is over and we go home. Have you thought about that?”

“A little.”

“Will you go back to that house of yours?”

“There’s nowhere else. Miss Nightingale is going to reform the hospitals at home. I should like to be involved in that.”

“Have you thought about marriage?”

“Why … no.”

“I have,” he said.

“I feel I want to purge myself of all this horror.

I want to forget it. these smells which have become part of daily life . the pain and suffering all around us. “

“Isn’t that part of the lives of doctors and nurses?”

“Not unnecessary pain and suffering like this, not these ghastly diseases which are brought about by insanitary conditions starvation and festering wounds which can’t be properly treated. I can only get through these days by thinking of the future.”

“I think we all feel like that.”

“I want a future to look forward to a quiet practice somewhere… perhaps in the country. Or if you would prefer, London.”

“I?”

“I want you to share it with me, Anna.”

“Am I hearing you correctly?”

“I think so.”

“Then this is a proposal of marriage?”

“It is just that.”

“But Charles … I thought…”

“What did you think?”

“I knew you liked me, but I thought it was Henrietta in whom you were interested … I mean in that way.”

“Of course I like Henrietta, but it is you whom I love.”

“I am just astonished.”

“My dearest Anna, of course I love you. I love your strength and your seriousness, your dedication. I love everything about you. If you promised to marry me as soon as we are free of all this, it would give me a great deal to look forward to, to plan …”

He had taken my hands and was looking earnestly into my eyes.

“Oh Charles,” I said, “I am so sorry. I was so … unprepared for this. I know that sounds like the cry of the bashful maiden, but I really am. I had no idea. I was certain that it was Henrietta.”

“Well, now you know it is not, what do you say?”

I was silent. I thought of the country practice, a new life, a new home, the village green, the ancient church with the yews which would have stood there for hundreds of years, dew on the grass, the lovely smell of damp earth, the gentle rain, daisies and buttercups and I felt a great yearning for it all.

He was watching me eagerly.

“Charles,” I said, ‘there is a great deal you don’t know about me. “

“It’s going to be exciting learning about each other.”

“We are here … in this place,” I reminded him, ‘and things are not natural here. You might make decisions which you regret afterwards.”

“I don’t think I shall regret this.”

“As I said, you don’t know me.”

“I know you well. Didn’t I see you at Kaiserwald? And here? I know your sterling character, your honesty, your goodness, your compassion.

I have seen you give yourself wholeheartedly to the sick. “

“You have seen a nurse, that’s all. I’m a good one, yes. It would be false modesty to deny it. But that is one part of me. I can’t think about marriage. I am not ready.”

“I understand that I have sprung this on you. Think about it. I love you, Anna, We could make a good thing of it. Our interests are so closely woven together.”

“There is something I must tell you, Charles. I’ve been married before.”

“Anna!”

“And I had a child.”

“Where is your husband?”

“He is dead.”

“I see. And the child?”

“He died, too. It became an unhappy marriage. My husband was addicted to drugs which in the end killed him. My child died when he was not quite two years old.”

The tears pricked my eyes. He saw them and put his arm about me.

“My poor Anna,” he said.

“I have not yet grown away from it,” I told him.

“I understand.”

“I took my maiden name and started out again as a single woman. I felt that was best. I could not bear to talk of my marriage and the death of my child, but I tell you because it will help you understand why I cannot think of marrying anyone.”

“You will… in time.”

“I don’t know. It seems so recent. I don’t think I shall ever recover from the death of my child.”

“There is one way to recover from such a tragedy,” he said, ‘and that is to have another child. “

I was silent.

“Anna,” he went on, ‘don’t say no yet. Just think about it. Think what it would mean. It would be something for us to plan for when we get out of this . hell. It can’t last, I know. The end is in sight.

You and I, and the children we shall have. This is the best way to lay the ghost of the past. You can’t go on grieving. “

He kissed my hands and I felt a great affection for him. I knew he was a good man and he would make me see a way out of my unhappiness. It was a different way from that of revenge which I had followed so far.

I saw myself on that country lawn, the doctor’s wife, with her family growing up around her, her children who might look a little like Julian children whom I would love and cherish . children who would soothe that aching void which had never left me since I had lost him.

I was suddenly aware of the passing of time. One always felt guilty when one snatched moments from hours of duty.

“I must go,” I said.

“Think about it,” Charles insisted.

I shook my head, but I knew I should.

He kissed me gently.

“Anna,” he said.

“I love you.”

I did not tell Henrietta of Charles’s proposal. I could not bring myself to speak of it. I felt she would urge me to accept him. She liked him very much and she had said she thought he was a good doctor and a good man. There were times when I thought marriage to him would be the best thing for me. Was I going to spend the whole of my life as a lonely woman? True, I wished to nurse in one of the new hospitals which Miss Nightingale would attempt to set up in England on our return, but was that enough for me? I had experienced motherhood, and my overwhelming love for my child had taught me that I should feel my life was wasted if I did not have children.

Like so many people, I had an admiration for Florence Nightingale which was near idolatry. There was something about her indomitable spirit, her single-minded dedication, her quiet, almost ruthless efficiency which had impressed even those men who had in the beginning been most sceptical about her endeavours. She had turned her back on marriage and motherhood for a cause; but she had never experienced the joy of holding her child in her arms. I had; and that had convinced me that nothing else could ever take the place of that joy with me.

Here was a new path for me. I could marry Charles. I could be a wife and mother. I could turn my back on the past. I could forget those futile longings for revenge. The new prospect opening for me made me see them for what they really were. Childish anger. Little children tried to soothe their hurt by turning on some inanimate object. Aubrey had been weak; he had been easily led; a strong man would never have succumbed to drugs as he had. I had blamed Dr. Adair for his downfall and he was in part responsible but people’s fate was in their own hands.

And while I thought of my Eden in England the country practice, the children round me, I saw the Demon, as I had always called him in my thoughts, laughing at me.

I would forget him, I told myself.

But somehow I knew I never would. He had some devilish quality. He could put a spell on one. I believed he had on Henrietta. Had he on me? “

He had travelled through the East as a native. He had discovered all manner of strange secrets and customs. Perhaps mysterious ones . the occult, even. He was not like other men. One could not judge him by the same standards. What had he been doing in that house in Constantinople dressed in that fashion? What did it mean?

I brought my thoughts back to Charles and his proposal, but I could not get the demon doctor out of my mind.

And one day I came face to face with him.

He was walking the wards in his white coat as though he had never been away. He gave me a curt nod which implied there was nothing unusual in his sudden appearance.

But he was soon making his presence felt. He found signs of inefficiency in the wards. He blamed the nurses. Patients had been neglected, he said. As if he did not know that the poor girls were worn out after hours without rest. And this from the man who would absent himself for a few weeks’ respite when he felt like it!

My anger against him was fierce and I felt more alive than when I had last seen him.

He thought that nurses should not be too long in one place and he wanted some of them sent to the Barrack Hospital and others brought in from there to replace them.

Henrietta and Ethel were among those chosen to go to the Barrack. We were dismayed, although we were not so far apart, but one did not see nurses so often if they were in a different hospital.

Henrietta was resigned. Not so Ethel. She was in great distress.

“You see,” she explained to Eliza and me, “I won’t be seeing Tom.

We’ll never see each other. “

“You’ll be able to come here and see him,” I comforted her.

“It’s not the same. I look after him. I haven’t told him. It’ll kill him.”

“What’s all this potty idea about moving people?” demanded Eliza.

“It’s that Dr. Adair,” said Ethel.

“He says we’ve been neglecting our duties. I was with Tom when he come through the ward the other day. He must have noticed.”

I said angrily: “It’s so stupid. The nurses are overworked. Of course they are going to forget things now and then. He’s just trying to make trouble.”

Ethel was in despair.

Eliza sought me out afterwards.

“This isn’t half going to upset young Ethel. I reckon it could blight the budding romance. Do you think you could do something about it?”

“How?”

“Speak to him … the almighty one.”

“Do you think he would listen to me?”

She looked at me shrewdly.

“He just might … to you.”

“He despises us all. And I haven’t done anything to make myself especially acceptable in his eyes.”

“I think he knows you. What I mean is … the rest of us is just bits of furniture to him, not useful pieces either.”

“Oh, even he must see what the nurses are doing here.”

“Perhaps he does but he won’t let himself see. He is the high and mighty doctor and nurses is just skivvies to go here and come there at his command.”

“And you think could change him?”p>

Eliza nodded.

“It would be worth a try.”

I couldn’t help laughing at the prospect, but in that moment I decided to make the attempt.

The opportunity occurred that very afternoon. I saw him go into that room where Charles had proposed to me and I followed him.

“Dr. Adair.”

He swung round and as he looked at me, I felt all the anger and resentment I had harboured against him flare up.

“Miss er ” I know you are thinking I have great temerity in daring to address you . ” I paused and he did not deny it.

“But there is something I have to say to you. I believe it is your idea to move some nurses from the General to the Barrack and vice ” Am I expected to discuss my plans with you? ” he asked almost pleasantly.

“I am asking you to discuss this particular plan with me.”

“May I know why?”

“Yes. You are moving nurses willy-nilly without considering what work they may be doing.”

“I know what work they are doing.”

“And despise those menial tasks. But Dr. Adair, I assure you they have to be done and doctors should be grateful to Miss Nightingale for all she has achieved.”

“Thank you. Miss er for reminding me of my duty.”

“There is one nurse, Ethel Carter. She is being moved. She must not be.”

He raised his eyebrows and those dark luminous eyes surveyed me. I could not fathom what they expressed. Cynical amusement, perhaps.

“Let me explain,” I said.

“I must beg you to.”

“She has formed an attachment with a young soldier. His condition has improved greatly and she herself is much better. They cannot be separated.”

“This is a hospital, not a marriage bureau. Miss erAs you seem to have such difficulty with my name, let me tell you it is Pleydell.”

“Ah … Miss Pleydell.”

“And I do not think this place is a marriage bureau. I have been here long enough to know what it is. It is a place of great suffering.” I was furious with myself because my voice broke. I had to fight hard not to show my emotion.

“If a soldier can be made happier isn’t that part of his recovery? Of course, I suppose that is something you do not believe in.”

“How do you know what I believe? You take a great deal upon yourself.

Miss Pleydell. “

“Is it a great deal to ask? Just that this nurse should not be moved?”

“If her name is on the list for the Barrack she should go.”

“And what about this soldier who would have given his life for his country and perhaps has … what of him? Is he to have no consideration because some demi-god has made out a list? “

His lips curled faintly. I think he rather liked the idea of being called a demi-god, seeing himself supreme, no doubt.

“Listen to me,” I went on, growing more and more angry every moment. I had my enemy before me, the man I had planned to destroy, and how I wanted to! I hated his supercilious smile. He was taunting me, amused by my passion, urging me to hurl more and more abuse at him, which he believed I would regret later.

“I can hardly do anything else,” he reminded me, ‘short of leaving you, which might be considered somewhat impolite. “

I went on: “The soldier was brought in from Sebastopol. He was almost frozen to death. It was believed he could not last more than a few days. Ethel Carter looked after him and a special relationship grew up between them. Since then he has started to recover. I can tell you that she has had an unhappy life. She lost a child.” My voice faltered again.

“They are planning to make a life together. They are helping each other. They cannot be separated. Oh, I know you don’t understand this. You are far too clever to understand the simple things in life.

When you are tired of it you just go off . you leave others to carry on while you indulge yourself in fancy costumes in some . “

“Yes?” he said.

“Do go on. Where do I indulge myself?”

“You know very well. I, fortunately, am ignorant of these places and wish to remain so.”

“Ignorance is not something the wise desire.”

“It is a joke to you. But there are other means of healing than those you practise. There is happiness … contentment, hope for the future. They are as effective as medicines. Oh, I know it is foolish to appeal to you, and over something which you would consider of no importance. You are hard and ruthless and human suffering means nothing to you.”

“I did not know we were so well acquainted,” he said.

“I don’t understand you.”

“And yet you have given a detailed account of my character.”

I felt numb with dismay, horror and frustration. What had I done? Just succeeded in making a fool of myself.

I turned and went from the room.

I returned to my duties, my cheeks burning and my eyes blazing. I was near to tears.

Why had I said all that? All the hatred had come tumbling out and he had stood there laughing at me. He was wicked. He was cruel. He cared nothing for people’s feelings. They were objects to be used; their bodies were to be experimented on so that he could acquire experience and astonish the world with his knowledge. If only I could bring him crashing from his pedestal. If only I could show the world what he really was!

It was the next day when I saw Eliza in the kitchens.

She said: “The swap’s been made. Our lot’s gone to Barrack and the Barrack lot are now in the General.” She gave me a nudge.

“Ethel’s still here. She ain’t half glad about that.

“Er and Tom is having a special cuddle.” She winked at me.

“Spoke to him, didn’t you?”

I nodded.

She started to laugh.

“There! I told you you could do it.”

“It might not have been that. He didn’t say he would help. In fact he implied quite the opposite.”

"Then!’ said Eliza with a reminiscent grin.

“Some of them is like that. High and mighty and all that. Still, what’s it matter? You done it.”

She looked at me solemnly for a moment.

“Gawd bless you, Anna. I ‘ope it comes right for you. You wants some little ‘uns, that’s what you want… like Ethel. There’s some as does and some as don’t and you two are ones that does.”

That was a terrible winter. I hope never to see another like it.

I thought constantly of those poor men on the plateau outside Sebastopol longing for the surrender which must come; but they would reflect that those inside the city although doom was inevitable did not suffer the hardships of the besiegers.

A sickness which some called Asiatic Cholera and others simply Gaol Fever struck the army. I used to see the men arrive in arahas, which were a kind of Turkish tumbril. Many of the men were dead when they were brought in. It was heartbreaking to see the Turkish workmen digging graves great holes into which the bodies were thrown.

Some of the nurses caught the fever. It raged through the hospital and we were all living in fear of imminent death.

It was a wonderful sight to see Miss Nightingale take her nightly walk through the wards. She looked beautiful and serene in her black woollen dress with the white linen collar and cuffs and apron, and white cap under a black silk handkerchief, holding her lamp high, stopping at a bed here and there to touch a fevered brow, to utter a word of comfort, to smile and somehow bring a message of hope. She was regarded as a being from another world, an angel. Those men were very much aware of what she had done for their comfort. It was amusing to see how those who had hardly uttered a sentence in their lives which did not contain some obscenity, moderated their language when Miss Nightingale was near. She was indomitable; she had a presence and grace and beauty; plainly clad as she was, that was obvious. She commanded instant respect and adoration.

I shall always feel privileged to have worked close to her.

Even that terrible winter had to pass and with the coming of the spring fewer casualties were arriving at the hospital.

There was fresh hope in the air.

They cannot hold out much longer, everyone said.

I saw less of Henrietta. During those dark winter months we were working every hour of the day and well into the night and when we snatched a little rest we sank into an exhausted sleep.

Philippe Lablanche was a frequent visitor to the hospital. He often came to look for me and exchanged a few words; and I knew he did the same with Henrietta. Charles made a point of coming into the General to see me when he could, but like all doctors, he was even more busy than we were.

Sometimes he would say: “Still thinking?” and I would answer: “Yes.”

And there were times when I thought I was foolish to hesitate. I had the chance to share the life of a good man. I could even be of use to him in his work. I was no longer a wide-eyed girl. I knew something of marriage. I wasn’t looking for a knight in shining armour to carry me off on his steed. I had the opportunity to share a life which would be interesting and rewarding.

But I continued to hesitate.

The coming of the Crimean spring was a tonic to us all. It gave us hope to see crocuses and hyacinths growing on the plateau.

News of conditions at the front and in the hospitals had been sent home by war correspondents and there had been an outcry in the press.

One of the good things which came out of this was that Monsieur Alexis Soyer, the renowned chef of the Reform Club, came out to supervise the kitchens. How we blessed Monsieur Soyer! He was dedicated to his art; he chose soldiers who he thought had some talent for cooking and took them into his kitchens; he trained them to produce excellent and nourishing stews. He would go through the wards with his men carrying big soup tureens and he was cheered by the invalids as it was ladled out. He made good bread, and he invented a teapot which held enough to serve fifty men, and the beverage was as hot for the fiftieth as it was for the first. Monsieur Soyer made a great difference to our lives.

We had a little free time now and then but my periods of freedom did not always coincide with those of Henrietta. We were almost light-hearted during those spring days. We had come through the winter and Sebastopol could not possibly survive another. We told ourselves that this time next year we should all be home.

An amusing incident happened at this time. A very pompous gentleman arrived at the hospital with two grand servants in gold braid, wide trousers and gold-coloured cummerbunds.

He was very excited and we could not understand what he was talking about until someone thought of calling Dr. Adair.

I was hoping that he would not understand the language ‘for,” as I remarked to Henrietta, ‘we have only his word for it that he is master of all these Eastern tongues.”

He did understand and he and the pompous gentleman entered into a serious conversation.

Several of the nurses had gathered to see what the outcome would be myself, Henrietta and Eliza among them.

At length Dr. Adair turned to us and said: “I think I should see Miss Nightingale immediately. This gentleman on behalf of his very rich and distinguished master is offering a good deal of money for one of the nurses who would be added to the distinguished gentleman’s harem.”

We stared at him in astonishment.

“I wonder which one it is,” he added.

“It will be interesting to know.”

We did not have to wait long for the gentleman, smiling broadly, stepped towards us. He approached Henrietta and bowed to her. Then he turned and addressed himself to Dr. Adair.

“So you are the elect,” said Dr. Adair to Henrietta. I saw the speculation in his eyes as though he was wondering what special qualities Henrietta had to appeal to the oriental taste. She must have been seen somewhere. I did know that she had dined out with Philippe Lablanche.

Henrietta was most amused.

She said: “What will you tell him?”

“That you are not for sale.”

“Won’t that offend him?”

“I will explain tactfully. Perhaps that you are already spoken for.”

Henrietta giggled.

“I’ve often wondered what it would be like to find myself in a sultan’s harem.”

“You might not enjoy it as much as you think. Now it would be polite if you retired and left me to deal with the matter. I shall need great tact. He must not be slighted in any way.”

We left. I noticed that people glanced at Henrietta. It did not surprise me in the least that she was the chosen one. She was far prettier than any of us; and she was more vivacious too; it was obvious that she would attract attention.

“You will have to be careful,” I told her.

“He might decide to kidnap you.”

About a week after that there was evidently more activity at Sebastopol and the wounded were coming in in large numbers.

When we saw the arab as approaching the hospital we nurses went out with the men who carried the stretchers to try to make the wounded as comfortable as possible while they were being carried in.

This was always a heartrending job. I dreaded it; but I was accustomed to horrific sights now and although they affected me as deeply as ever, I was at least prepared for them.

As I watched one poor man being lifted, groaning, on to a stretcher I thought he had a familiar look. Dirty and unkempt, his jacket bloodstained, he looked like so many of these poor men; and yet there was something about him.

Then I knew, and my heart leaped and then sank in horror, for this young man was Lily’s husband, William Clift.

“Oh God,” I prayed, ‘don’t let him die. “

I thought of Lily and her delight in her baby; I could imagine her at home waiting for news. It must not be news of her husband’s death. She had had such hopes of happiness. I remembered the change in her, the day when she had told us that she was going to marry William; and then the coming of the baby.

“Please don’t let the baby be an orphan,” I prayed.

“Don’t let Lily be a widow.”

But how many widows and orphans must there be because of this stupid, senseless war!

“But not Lily,” I continued to pray.

“Not Lily.”

I went into the ward and looked for him. It took me a long time but at last I found him.

I knelt by his bed. I said: “William, do you know who I am?”

It seemed as though he was listening but his eyes did not focus on me.

I feared he might be half dead already.

“William,” I went on, ‘it’s Anna Pleydell. Lily’s friend. “

“Lily,” he murmured and I think he was trying to smile.

“Don’t die,” I muttered to myself.

“You mustn’t die. You’ve got to get well. There are Lily and the baby.”

But I was terribly afraid.

I went into the small room which I used as a sort of refuge.

It seemed to have a special significance since Charles had asked me to marry him there. And it was there that I had talked to Dr. Adair and persuaded him not to part Ethel from her Tom. Some instinct led me there. I knew I had to find Damien Adair, for ironically enough I had the idea that he alone could help.

I was not surprised to see him there. He had taken some bottles from a shelf and was frowning at them.

“Dr. Adair.”

He swung round.

“Miss er -‘ ” Pleydell,” I said.

“Oh yes, of course.”

I said: “There is a man out there. I know him. I know his wife. She has a baby.”

“There are a lot of men out there. I dare say many of them have wives and babies. What is there special about your man?”

“He must not die. He must be saved.”

“It is our duty to save them all if that is possible.”

I went to him and, seizing his arm, shook it. He looked surprised and faintly amused.

“Please,” I said.

“Look at him … now. Tell me that he can be saved. You must save his life.”

“Where is he?”

“I will take you to him.”

He followed me to the ward and I took him to the bed in which William Clift lay. He examined him, which took a little time. I stood watching his deft fingers probing.

Finally he pulled the blanket up over William. He walked towards the little room and I followed him. There he turned and looked at me.

“There are two bullets in his thigh,” he said.

“They are festering. He might have a chance if they were taken out at once.”

“Give him that chance, please, J beg of you.”

He looked at me steadily. Then he said: “Very well. I will operate at once. You know him. You’d better be there. You may be of help.”

“Yes,” I said eagerly.

“Oh yes.”

“Let him be prepared. Get a screen put up round the bed. I’ll have to do it there. There’s nowhere else.”

“I will at once.”

I felt suddenly grateful to him. I knew he was the only one who could do it, even though he had cost me my own son with his experiments.

That was the strangest experience I had lived through so far. William lay on his bed. He was not sufficiently conscious to know what was about to happen to him. I was glad of that.

I kept whispering to him: “You’re going to be all right, William.

You’re going home to Lily and the baby . such a bonny baby. Lily’s so proud of him and so will you be. Home, William, that’s where you’re going. “

I did not know whether he understood what I was saying, but he seemed to be comforted.

When Dr. Adair came to us he looked at me steadily. He said: “I’d rather you did not talk about what you are about to see. I want you to be here. I think the patient needs you. But this is between us … the doctor, the nurse and the patient.”

He took a phial from his pocket.

“Give me a cup,” he said.

He took it and poured a liquid into it.

“Lift the patient’s head.”

I did so and held it while he drank the liquid.

“What’s his name?”

“William Clift.”

He nodded and leaned over William. He said: “William Clift. Look at me. Look into my eyes. Look. Look. What do you see? You see into my mind. I am going to take two bullets out of your thigh. You will feel nothing … nothing … nothing at all. Your friend is here with you, your friend from home.”

He went on looking into William’s face, saying: “You will feel nothing of this … nothing … nothing …”

William closed his eyes and appeared to sleep.

“We will act quickly,” said Damien Adair to me, ‘while the effect stays with him. “

I was trembling. I felt I was in the presence of some mystic being whose wildly unorthodox methods were different from anything I had ever known.

“You can talk to him,” he said.

“Talk of his wife, his child and home .”

So I did. I said: “We’ll go home, William. Lily is waiting. The baby will have grown. He’ll want to see his father. Lily is so happy, waiting for you … waiting … in the shop you know … and you’ll go back and there’ll be no more blood, no more slaughter … just home … home … You’ll take the baby into the park. The park is lovely now, and the band plays there on Sundays.”

I went on and on saying the first things which came into my mind. I turned and saw the deft fingers at work. He held up one bullet; he was smiling in a triumphant way which seemed to me to be almost inhuman.

What amazed me was that William had not moved while the operation was being performed.

“Go on talking,” he commanded; and I did.

Then I heard him give a sigh. I turned. He was holding the second bullet in his hand.

“The deed is done,” he said.

“He will feel the pain presently … not yet though. He is all right for a while. When he wakes, just sit with him quietly. If he tries to talk, answer him. In an hour or so he’ll be in pain. I am going to give him something to stop it. Come to me at once if you see any sign of pain. I shall be about the ward.

Keep the screens round the bed until you are told to move them. “

I sat there beside William. I felt strangely exalted. It was like witnessing a miracle. That man had strange powers. What was it Philippe had said about him? Unique. That was true. And there was a secret between us. I was to tell no one what I had seen.

My emotions were in turmoil. I sat there for almost an hour; then I saw that William’s face was contorted in pain. I hurried away to find Dr. Adair. He was, as he had said he would be, in the ward.

“I will come,” he said.

He came to William’s bedside and put drops from his phial into a spoon which he gave to William.

“That will give him a few more hours’ oblivion,” he said.

“And then?” I asked.

“The pain will come back, but the longer we ward it off, the more chance his body has to recover. You can leave him now. I don’t doubt you have plenty to do.”

I said: “Thank you, Dr. Adair.”

I don’t know how I got through my work that day. My thoughts were in a whirl. I kept thinking of that scene behind the screens himself, myself and the man who might be dying in his bed.

There were moments when I thought: He is experimenting with his strange skills. What right had he to experiment on human beings . using them as guinea pigs? And yet . if he had saved William’s life.

I could not stop thinking of him. But then I had been doing that since I had met him . and before.

There was no one to whom I could talk of what had happened. He had implied that it was between us two.

So I lay sleepless and the first thing I did in the morning was visit William Clift.

He looked pale and very ill.

But he was still alive.

During the evening of the next day I believe he sought me out. I was in the ward and he went to William Clift’s bedside and examined him.

As he left the bedside I went into the little room. I wondered whether he would come in or pass by. He stood at the door. He was smiling at me triumphantly.

“Well,” he said, “I think we are going to keep our patient.” Waves of relief swept over me. I forgot my animosity towards him in that moment.

“Are you sure?”

He looked impatient.

“No one can ever be sure. At the moment I can say he is as well as can be expected, no better. And that is progress.”

He studied me intently.

“He will need careful nursing,” he went on.

“Of course.”

“You should look after him. Keep him regaled with stories of his wife and baby.”

My voice was shaky.

“I’ll do that.”

He nodded and went out.

I was with William a great deal. I dressed his wounds. I talked to him of home. I saw the listlessness drop from him. I saw the hope in his eyes.

A week after the incident Dr. Adair passed me in the ward. He said: “I think we are going to send our patient home hale and hearty to his wife and baby.”

I don’t think I had felt so happy since Julian had died.

During the long summer months fewer casualties were brought into the hospital and, as always, most of those who came were suffering more from disease than from wounds. William Clift was recovering satisfactorily, which meant not too fast, for I feared if he were fully recovered he would be sent out to fight again. He was very weak but he was no longer in danger and that was how I wanted it.

Ethel was officially engaged and radiant. She talked continually about the farm in the country. She was so grateful to Tom because when she had told him about herself, he understood. She planned to have lots of children and live happily ever after.

Eliza was delighted with the way life had turned out for Ethel. I had discovered that she was a woman who liked to have someone to look after; and now that Tom was looking after Ethel, she turned her attentions to me. She was one of the few people who knew about my past, since I had told her during that stormy night on deck; she never betrayed the confidence, but it had changed her attitude towards me.

She wanted me to find a husband as Ethel had done. She was aware of Dr. Fenwick’s feelings for me and she thought that ideal. It was rather amusing to discover the soft side of her nature. She looked so formidable, so ready to fight for what she considered her rights.

Quite a number of nurses were afraid of her so were the patients, and they obeyed her without question. They called her Big Eliza. I had grown very fond of her.

Henrietta was in good spirits. She had been flattered to be the chosen of the unknown pasha or sultan who wanted her for his harem and laughed a great deal about the incident. She talked of the mysteries of the East and what fun it would be to explore them. She said she could understand Dr. Adair’s absorption with the subject. She seemed often to bring the conversation round to him.

“I saw him today,” she would say.

“He really is magnificent. He has that air of authority. None would dare disobey his orders. You have the impression that he is a superior being. Do you feel that, Anna, now that you know him a little?”

“No,” I retorted.

“He is a doctor who likes to experiment. I think he enjoys taking risks.”

“He saved Lily’s husband’s life.”

“Sometimes risks are successful, but I think he was showing how clever he was.”

“You are unfair to him, Anna. I think he is wonderful. I often laugh about our project. Do you remember how we used to talk about him? How we set out on our quest to find him with the object of exposing him as a fraud … a conceited mountebank?”

I was silent.

“It was all a bit of a game, wasn’t it? We never really meant it seriously. How could we? And when you see him here … He makes the others seem very insignificant. Oh, I don’t mean that… quite.

Charles is such a good man, but. “

“You prefer the sinner to the saint.”

“I don’t think the terms apply. Charles isn’t a saint, is he? And Dr. Adair … well, perhaps … Anyway, I think he is the most attractive man I have ever met.”

She folded her hands across her breast and raised her eyes to the ceiling. Henrietta’s gestures, like her talk, were often exaggerated.

I did not say anything more. I felt I could not discuss him with Henrietta.

But Eliza talked of Henrietta to me.

She said: “I’m worried about her. There could be trouble. I don’t think it’s good for a young woman to feel like she does about that Dr. Adair. It’s what got poor Eth. And look at that. The swine goes off and leaves her with a child.”

“What has that got to do with Henrietta and Dr. Adair?”

“She’s got that feeling for him. She’ll be wax in his hands.”

“Oh, Eliza, you are too melodramatic.”

“I know men. In the trade you had to. All that adoring is just what they want. They can’t have enough of it at first. Then when they’re tired of a girl they don’t want it no more … not from her. But at first it’s right up their street. I don’t reckon Dr. High and Mighty’s any different from the others. And she’s going round making no secret of the fact that she’s there for the taking.”

“No, Eliza, that’s not true. It is just that we’ve always been rather interested in him.”

She looked at me sharply.

“Not you! You’d have more sense, wouldn’t you?”

“Enough sense for what?”

“To keep away from the likes of him.”

“Yes, Eliza, I’d have that much good sense.”

“The other doctor is a very nice gentleman. He’s sweet on you and you could do worse.”

“It’s good of you, Eliza,” I said with feeling.

“I believe you really do care.”

“Course I care. I don’t want to see you or Henrietta make fools of yourself over men.”

“We won’t.”

She shook her head as though to imply she was not so sure.

We were through August, and September was with us. We were all feeling a little uneasy. The thought of having to go through another winter was very depressing.

The Russians were getting desperate. So were the French and English.

Then we heard that a terrific battle was raging before Sebastopol and in trepidation we waited for the result.

We did not have to wait long. A messenger arrived, and we all rushed to meet him to hear the latest news.

The French had stormed and taken Malakoff Fort.

“Thank God,” the cry went up, for we all knew that the Fort was the key to Sebastopol.

“The Russians are fleeing from the city, but they have set what is left of it on fire. It is nothing but a mass of flames.”

Then suddenly we were all embracing each other.

For nearly twelve months we had been waiting for Sebastopol to fall; and now it had happened. There was not a doubt among us that the war was over.

We were right, although there were a few pockets of resistance to overcome. The bulk of our work was over. Everyone was talking of home.

But, of course, the hospital was full of patients, some of them too ill to be moved. We could not all go and leave them. It was decided that we should go in relays and some of us would have to remain until there was nothing left to be done.

In view of the exceptional circumstances, Ethel was one of the first to leave. Although Tom was well enough to go, he still needed attention and Ethel was to go with him to give it to him.

I stood with Henrietta and Eliza watching them embark. How different she was from the girl who had come here. I fell to thinking that there appeared to be good even to come out of evil, for the war had taken Ethel out of a wretched life which could not have been of long duration and had given her a future which promised to be good.

She stood at the rail watching us, and we waited there until the ship was out of sight. Then we went back to the hospital, too moved for speech.

I had written a letter to Lily which Ethel promised to deliver. I wanted her to know that William was really well and under my care. I knew nothing could give her more comfort except the return of William himself.

The hospital was different now. Each day some of the men would be sent home. Only the worst cases remained. Some would die, of course; but it was hoped that in a few months the others would be well enough to go home.

Charles was to go with a batch of the wounded.

He came to me and told me of his orders.

“I wish, Anna,” he said, ‘that you could come with me. “

“I shall be home soon. I am looking after William Clift, and although he is doing well, he is not yet quite ready to be moved. So … I am needed here.”

“You would always put duty first, of course.”

I was not sure that he was right. I did not want to go yet. I had the feeling that I had come here for a purpose and that purpose was not completed. I had to be near Damien Adair for a while though I was not sure what I wanted to do.

Charles kissed me tenderly.

“As soon as you’re back, I’ll come to you. I think by then you will have made up your mind.”

“Yes, Charles,” I said, ‘that will be best. “

“Everything will be different at home when we get back to normality.”

I agreed with him.

“It can’t be long now,” I said.

Then he talked about what we would do in the country. He would see what was going. He would choose his practice carefully and would take nothing until he had consulted me. I could see that he would be a considerate husband and that I was fortunate to have such a man love me.

I watched him sail away and when he had gone I missed him. It is so comforting to be loved even if one is not sure that one can return that love.

Our duties were comparatively light now and there were frequent occasions when we had a few hours to ourselves. Parties of us would take the caiques and go across to Constantinople The town was so different now. It was no longer under enemy threat. The shops were suddenly brighter. There seemed always to be music in the streets.

There were many restaurants where we could have a meal or sit merely drinking wine or thick Turkish coffee.

We were known by our uniforms and respected. We had earned a reputation for doing good work, and although in the beginning many had been sceptical of us, that was not the case Henrietta was in even higher spirits than usual. She seemed almost feverishly merry. She said to me once: “I don’t know how I shall settle in England after this. I would love to go farther East. There is so much I want to know.”

Philippe Lablanche was still in Constantinople and he took us out once or twice; he often called at the hospital and I thought he was attracted by Henrietta. She was rather flirtatious towards him and he seemed to find that enchanting. She had had a great deal of attention in her life and seemed to expect it and to revel in it.

She constantly asked Philippe questions about the customs of the people, and when he talked about his travels she was spellbound imagining herself, I guessed, riding through the desert, pitching her tent at some oasis all very romantic. I had an idea that Dr. Adair was rarely out of her thoughts.

Once she came back from Constantinople with a costume she had bought.

It was of silk with swathings of material hanging loosely over trousers which billowed out and were caught in at the ankles.

“What on earth have you bought that for?” I asked.

“Because I liked it.”

“You couldn’t wear it.”

“Why not? I’ll put it on and show you how it suits me.”

In a few moments she was standing before me, radiant in the costume.

I said: “You look like the queen of the harem. But you are too fair to fit the part.”

“Some of them are fair. Some are slaves from distant lands.”

“Henrietta,” I said, ‘you are quite absurd. “

“I know. But it is fun being absurd.”

“Mind you, you could wear it as a fancy dress costume at home. It would be quite suitable for that.”

Her expression changed. It was a little uneasy.

“It will be strange to be home,” she said slowly.

“Just imagine … after all this. Rather mundane, don’t you think?”

I stared at her in amazement. I had thought that, like most of us, she was longing for home.

“Don’t tell me you are going to regret leaving the hospital, the wards, the suffering men . all the horrors of it, the impossibility of keeping it clean . the anguish, the blood, the terrible exhaustion, the conditions we have been living in. Don’t tell me that you haven’t longed to be home. “

“It is more comfortable, of course.”

I laughed at her.

“Is that all?”

“There is a possibility here of something fantastic happening. At home what is there? Balls, parties, coming out, meeting the right people. There is something romantic here.”

“Henrietta, you amaze me! I thought you couldn’t wait to get home.”

“Things change,” she said, and she was smiling into space.

A few days later Philippe called at the hospital and invited us to dine with him that evening. He would call for us at six and we would take the caique across to Constantinople as usual.

I was wearing a pale green dress which I had brought with me. It was very simple and had been easy to slip into my carpet bag. It was the one dress I had, apart from my uniform. I had not worn it very much because our uniform was a protection if we should find ourselves in a difficult position as Henrietta and I had learned during that adventure we had had in the streets of the city.

But on that evening we should be with Philippe and he was well accustomed to the ways of Constantinople.

Henrietta wore a long cloak and I was amazed to see that under it was her Turkish outfit. She looked very beautiful. There was an infectious gaiety about her which was very attractive. One felt one must enjoy an occasion because she did so thoroughly.

As we were about to step into the caique we met Dr. Adair.

“Are you dining in Constantinople?” he asked.

Philippe said that we were.

“Two ladies and one man! That doesn’t seem right. How would it be if I invited myself to join the party?”

We were all taken aback. Henrietta’s eyes were sparkling.

“But that would be delightful!” she cried.

“Thank you,” said Dr. Adair.

“Then that’s settled.”

The caique was crowded as usual and Dr. Adair said: “Everyone wants to take advantage of the last weeks here. Very soon everyone will be free to go.”

“There are some patients who can’t be moved yet,” I reminded him.

“A matter of time,” he said.

“I dare say you are counting the days.”

I replied that we were delighted that the war was over and there was a possibility of getting back to normal again.

“Normal is always so enticing … at least to look back on and forward to.”

The journey across the Bosphorus was very brief and soon we were alighting. Several caiques had arrived at the same time and there was quite a crowd on the shore. Dr. Adair took my arm, Philippe took Henrietta’s.

“Just a moment,” said Dr. Adair to me quietly.

“Take a look back … across the bank. Doesn’t it look romantic? Not much like the hospital we know. In this light it looks like a caliph’s palace, don’t you think?”

He was smiling at me half ironically. He looked secretive, I thought.

But then he always did.

“It looks quite different, I admit.”

“You will also admit that it is something you will never forget.”

I turned away. Henrietta and Philippe were no longer in sight.

He looked around him.

“It is so easy to lose people in the crowds.

We’ll find them. “

But we did not find them.

We made our way along the waterfront. Dr. Adair looked at me in what I fancy was mock dismay.

“Never mind,” he said.

“I think I know where Lablanche was planning to go.”

“Did he tell you? I didn’t hear him.”

“Oh … I know his favourite haunt. Come, we’ll go there. Leave it to me.”

He led me to one of the carriages which was waiting to be hired. They were drawn by two horses and we sat side by side, as we began our drive through the city. It was most romantic, especially by night. I was still getting over the shock of finding myself alone with him. He talked rather nonchalantly but knowledgeably about the architecture, in which subject he appeared to be well-informed comparing the mosque built by Sulyman the Great with that of Sultan Ahmed the First. We had by this time crossed one of the bridges to the Turkish part of the city.

“Here I think we may find our friends,” he said.

“If not… we must make do with each other.”

I said: “If you would prefer it, Dr. Adair, I can go back to Scutari.”

“Whatever for? I thought you’ were bent on dining out.”

“I had accepted Monsieur Lablanche’s invitation but as I have lost him”

“Never mind. You have another protector.”

“Perhaps you had other plans.”

“Only to dine out. Come. Let us go in. It may well be that the others have forestalled us.”

We alighted and he led me into the restaurant. It was darkish and there were lighted candles on the tables. A man in very splendid livery of blue and gold with a gold-coloured cummerbund came towards us. I did not understand the conversation between them but the liveried man presumably a head waiter was most obsequious.

Dr. Adair turned to me.

“Our friends have not yet arrived. I have asked them to find a table for two, and there we will wait for them. When they do he will tell them at once that we are here. If they do not, I am afraid. Miss Pleydell, you will be obliged to make do with me.”

We were taken to a table in an alcove, somewhat secluded from the rest of the room.

“A little seclusion is so much better if one wants to indulge in conversation,” he said.

I was feeling uneasy and yet at the same time exhilarated. I had come a long and devious way to find this man and here I was actually seated opposite him. It was success indeed.

“I hope you are ready to experiment with Turkish food. Miss Pleydell.

It is rather different from what you have at home . or hospital fare. But one has to be adventurous, don’t you agree? “

“Yes, of course.”

“You don’t seem very sure. Are you adventurous?”

“Surely one must be to come out to the Crimea, to war?”

“Up to a point, I agree. But you are a dedicated nurse and would doubtless go to the ends of the earth if your profession called you there. Would you like caviar? Otherwise there is a very tasty dish of meat stuffed with peppers which have been treated in all sorts of sauces.”

“For fear of being judged unadventurous, I might try that,” I said.

“Good, and after that I suggest this Circassian chicken. It’s cooked in a sauce of walnuts.”

“Don’t you think we should wait for the others?”

“Oh no …”

“But I was supposed to be Monsieur Lablanche’s guest.”

“He has the ebullient Henrietta to entertain.”

“Do you really think they will come here?”

“There is a possibility. I am not sure of the number of these eating places in Constantinople, but at least this is one of them, and a renowned one … so there is a possibility that they might come here.”

“I thought you were sure they would come, that it was a favourite place of Monsieur Lablanche.”

“He is a man of discrimination so he will certainly know of this place.”

“You are not very direct. You gave me quite a different impression a little while ago.”

“We make our own impressions. Miss Pleydell, but why bother ourselves with such a trivial matter? Here we are dining a deux. It is a good opportunity for us to talk.”

“Do you think we have anything to talk about?”

“My dear Miss Pleydell, it would be two very dull people who had nothing to talk about just for one brief evening. We have worked together … You have formed your impressions of me…”

“And you of me. That is, if you have ever noticed me.”

“I am an observant man. I miss little, you know.”

“But surely some things are too insignificant for your notice.”

“Certainly not. Miss Pleydell.”

The liveried man in the cummerbund was approaching our table with a waiter slightly less splendidly clad than himself, and the order was given. Dr. Ad. air chose a wine and in a very short time the first course was brought to us.

He lifted his glass.

“To you … and all the nightingales who left home to come across the sea to nurse our soldiers.”

I lifted mine.

“And to the doctors who came, too.”

“Your first protege will now be on his way home,” he said.

“Oh, you mean Tom. Yes, he is on the way home with Ethel. They are going to be married.”

“And live happily ever after?”

“That is what is hoped for. There is a farm and Ethel is a country girl.”

“And your second?”

“You mean William Clift who is recovering slowly.”

“That was a near thing.” He looked at me steadily.

The Circassian chicken arrived at that moment and there was silence while it was served.

“I am sure you will find it delicious,” said Dr. Adair. He filled my glass.

“Yes,” he went on, “I wanted to talk to you about William Clift.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“You look surprised.”

“I am surprised that you should think me worthy to discuss a patient with you. I fancied you thought nurses should remain in their places and should merely run hither and thither at the doctors’ command and be consigned to the menial tasks.”

“Well, should they not? That does not mean that I should not want to discuss William Clift with you. His wounds are healing. He was brought close to death, but he survived … and in due course he will be quite fit and probably live to a ripe age. He could so easily have been dead, you know.”

“Yes, I do know that.”

“Those bullets were deeply embedded. They had started to fester. It was touch and go.”

I looked at him. I thought: I was right about him. He wants praise.

All the time he wants glory for Dr. Adair.

“You will remember I used unorthodox methods. It was fortunate that I did. If I had not, Miss Pleydell, William Clift would not be alive today.”

“You gave him something to drink …”

“More than that. I put him under hypnosis. That method is not always approved of by medical opinion at home. But, Miss Pleydell, my methods do not always fit in with conventional ones and therefore I am not a conventional doctor.”

“I know that.”

“I believe that pain retards recovery. A patient must be freed from pain whenever possible. When the body suffers pain, restoration is delayed. I would use any method to eliminate pain.”

“That seems to me very laudable.”

“But there are some people in the medical profession who do not agree.

Did I say some? I mean many. They believe that pain is bestowed by God or someone on High as just retribution.

“Let there be pain and there was pain!” I am very much against that. I have been in the East and I do not disdain methods which are different from ours. We have advanced a long way in some directions, but there are other ways in which we are behind a people who, by some standards, would be called primitive in comparison with us. Am I boring you. Miss Pleydell? “

“Indeed not. I am most interested.”

“You were present. You saw what happened with William Clift. I saved his life. But for me he would be dead and your Lily would be a widow, her child an orphan.”

Why must he boast? I thought. He is right, of course. He did a marvelous thing. But why must he detract from his action by this continual boasting?

“I put him to sleep so that I could perform the operation without his body resisting me. It is a method learned in Arabia. It is not to be used lightly. I only bring it into my work when it is absolutely necessary. You, Miss Pleydell, were so insistent that I should save this man’s life. I had to show you that I could do it. And I did. “

“I cannot understand why you had to show me … just a nurse … just one of the adjuncts which can be useful at times but are on the whole a liability.”

“You are too modest, and I think that modesty is not really a part of your nature. I have come to the conclusion that this is false modesty.

Do you like the chicken? “

“Thank you, yes. I am not modest, but you have made your opinion of us very clear.”

“Then why do I bother to tell you this?”

“Perhaps you like everyone to know how clever you are?”

“True. But I have no need to stress the point with you. You already know.”

I laughed suddenly and he laughed with me.

“Let us get to the point,” he went on.

“I believe you once had a very poor opinion of me. You believed I had deserted my post to go away and revel in riotous behaviour. You were brought to me and there I was in native costume. What did you think?”

“That you were taking a respite from the hard work of the hospital.”

“I knew it. That is why I have to explain. Tell me, did you think I had a harem tucked away somewhere, that I was living a sybarite existence, indulging in all kinds of vices?”

“I had read your books, you know.”

“That was kind of you.”

“Not kind at all. They were given to me and I was fascinated by your adventures and I could see the sort of man you were. It came out in your books.”

“It was careless of me to have betrayed myself. I have lived among natives, as I described. It is only when you become one of them that you really know them. I have learned much from them. When you were brought to me, I was just about to set off on a mission. You know there was an appalling lack of materiel at the hospital. Do you remember the man with the amputated leg? Can you imagine the shock to that man’s system, with nothing to deaden the pain? What were his chances of recovery? Very poor. And yet not to have amputated would be certain death. There was just a faint hope. With certain medicines there would have been a fair chance. That was how I was expected to perform operations. So … I went off to find means of putting people to sleep. I knew where I could get these things. Drugs. Drugs to sedate our patients, my dear Miss Pleydell; and not the drugs which are commonly used in hospitals. These drugs would only be given to one of their own kind. So I had to be one of them. It is more than a matter of dress and of speech … it is outlook. They know me as they know themselves. They trust me. If I had not gone on that little expedition when you believed me to have deserted my post and gone to revel in the delights of the harem I could not have saved the life of your William Clift.”

“Then I am sorry I misjudged you.”

“Thank you. You are forgiven. It is so easy to draw the wrong conclusions, to blame in ignorance.”

“I do realize this.”

“And you have changed your opinion of me?”

I hesitated and he looked shocked.

I said: “It is not for me to form opinions. I could only do so from ignorance, as you have pointed out.”

A waiter came to take the plates away and bring a rich cake of pastry filled with nuts and honey called baklava; a tray of sweetmeats was also laid before us.

“This is a most delicious meal,” I said.

“I agree. But I prefer to talk of ourselves rather than food.”

He leaned his elbows on the table and looked steadily at me.

“Dr. Adair,” I said, ‘you are not trying to hypnotize me, are you?”

“You would not be a very easy subject, I fear. You would resist. Poor William Clift was in no position to do so. But you sitting there looking remarkably well, if I may say so, in spite of your sojourn in the hospital you would set your mind against me.”

“If I submitted, what would you do?”

“I would try to lure you from your conventional ways.”

“Conventional! I think I am far from that.”

“I would discover the secret of the nightingale.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Just what I say. I always think of you as the nightingale. That is not surprising, I suppose.”

“What amazes me is that you think of me at all.”

“No, Miss Pleydell, my dear little nightingale, you know better than that.”

“Indeed, I don’t. I have noticed that you did not seem to be aware of the nurses.”

“I was aware of them all and you in particular.”

“Indeed!”

“You interested me. You are hiding something. I should like to know what it is. You ask what I should do if I could control your mind. I would say: Tell me everything … tell me what it is that has happened to you and which has made you as you are.”

“What do you think happened to me?”

“That is the secret. Something has … something very important to you something tragic … something for which you blame someone. I should like to know.”

I felt my lips trembling. So it was obvious. Memories of going to the Minster and finding Julian dead swept over me. And the knowledge that this man had been there . Indeed I had a secret, and it was to take my revenge. And now here he was sitting opposite me, and I was his guest, and I did not know why it was all so different from what I had imagined it would be. I was dreadfully unsure of him . and myself.

“If you would talk it might help,” he was saying.

I shook my head.

“What do you think of the baklava?” he asked.

“It’s rather sweet.”

“They like sweet things, the Turks. Try one of these sweet meats.

There again, they are sweet. It is all sweetness. “

I thought: He knows too much. How could he possibly have discovered that there was tragedy in my past? Had I betrayed it? Only Eliza and Henrietta knew. Eliza had never had any contact with him nor would she betray a confidence. Henrietta? I felt a twinge of uneasiness. I thought of Henrietta who talked of him continually. Only this night, when he had suggested joining us, how delighted she had been.

I felt I had to change the subject quickly and I started talking about his books.

“Did someone introduce you to them?” he asked.

“Yes, it was someone who was friendly with you in England … oh, a long time ago. Stephen St. Clare.”

“Stephen, yes. He was a great friend of mine. Pleasant place they had in the country. Did you ever go there?”

“Oh yes.”

“He’s dead now, poor Stephen … and the brother too. That was a sad case.”

“The brother?” I echoed weakly.

“Yes. He died. As you knew the family, you probably knew too that Aubrey was addicted to drugs. He took it too far. Very sad. He had an unfortunate marriage.”

“Oh?”

“Yes … a nighty sort of girl who was no good to him. He met her in India, I think.”

“Did you … know her?”

“No. I heard the story, though. Poor fellow. He was weak. He got caught up in the wrong set. A good steady wife might have changed him.”

“Oh?” I was beginning to feel indignant, but I must keep a close guard on my feelings. I had been mistaken about his indifference. There was little he missed.

“You would have thought that a wife married to a man like that would have done all she could to help him. Instead, she left him … went off. He went down and down after that, and you can’t go on indulging in that sort of thing. It caught up with him in time. There was a child, too, who died.”

I gripped the table. I must keep calm. My impulse was to shout at him:

Listen to my side of the story.

“As a matter of fact,” he went on, “I happened to be there at the time. There was an inadequate nurse. The wife had left them to go to London.

The child was neglected. That ginsodden nurse ought not to have been left in charge of the child. A doctor should have been called in. “

“But you were called in …”

“Too late. The child was already dead when I saw him.”

I stared at him in disbelief.

“Why are you so interested?” he asked.

“So he died,” I said.

“And the child died, too. What happened to the wife?”

“She left… lived in London, I believe. No doubt she liked the social life.”

I wanted to strike him. I wanted to hit the table in my grief and anger. It was devastating to have it all brought back so vividly, to hear myself blamed. But most of all to discover that my darling Julian was already dead when the demonic doctor arrived, if he was telling the truth.

He had represented me as a frivolous uncaring woman who had left her child for the sake of a trip to London and had failed to give her husband the support which might have saved him. How many believed that? How could I talk to him of those terrible orgies in the cave, the hideous rites, the shock of discovering the kind of man I had married and the reason I had gone to London and how everything had worked against me?

How dared he interpret the case so casually, so cruelly?

“Is anything wrong. Miss Pleydell?”

“No … no, of course not.”

“These heart-shaped ones are rather delicious. Do have one.”

“No, thank you.”

“Ah, here is the coffee.”

It was served on a brass tray in gold-coloured cups. I tried to steady myself as it was poured out. My emotions were in a turmoil. To be with him, talking in this intimate way, was most disturbing; and when he had discussed his version of what had happened at the Minster, he had completely unnerved me.

He was watching me steadily.

“Tell me,” he said.

“Why did you have an ambition to become a nurse?”

“I felt it was something I had to do.” I wanted to shout at him: What do you know about what happened at the Minster? How could I have stayed? It would not have been possible to save Aubrey. He was too far gone. I could not have helped him by staying. I had to get away. I could not bear the grief of losing my child. How dare you speak of me as though I were light, uncaring! I forced myself to go on: “I felt I had something within me. I suppose you would call it absurd. But when I touched people there was some response. I seemed to have some healing quality.”

He stretched his hand across the table and took mine.

“These hands,” he said.

“They are beautifully shaped hands. Pale hands … yet capable … magic hands.”

“You are laughing at me.”

He continued to hold my hand and looked into my eyes. I was afraid of those eyes. Those deep, dark eyes. I had seen their power. I had a moment of panic when I thought he was going to draw my secret from me.

“Oh no, I am not,” he said.

“I have told you that I have seen the mysticism of the East. I believe certain people are blessed with strange powers. I have seen you in the hospital. Yes, you have the healing touch. Was it that which made you want to become a nurse?”

“I think it must have been. I wanted to do something with my life.”

“Because of what happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“The secret, little Nightingale.”

I tried to laugh.

“You are building up something which is not there.”

“That is not true. It is there. Tell me. Perhaps I could be of use.”

“There is nothing I wish to tell.”

“There might be something which it would be helpful to tell.”

“Helpful to whom?”

“To you? To me?”

I shook my head and withdrew my hand which he was still holding.

“You are very aloof,” he said.

“In what way?”

“I believe you are suspicious of me.”

I laughed and shrugged my shoulders.

“You don’t want me to know what you are trying to hide from me.”

“From you? Why should I hide anything from you?”

“That is what I want you to tell me. Dear Nightingale, we are not in the wards now. We are free … for one night, here we are.”

“What does that mean?”

“That there are no duties calling us from this most enjoyable encounter. I am glad we missed the others. Are you?”

“ ... er . “

“Oh come, tell the truth.”

“It has been very interesting. I dare say it would have been pleasant with the others.”

“Two is so much more comfortable than four. Two can talk so much more intimately. With four there are often two conversations going on at the same time. No, I prefer this, and I am glad it happened the way it did. I believe in time I could persuade you to unfreeze.”

“I am not frozen.”

“Yes, you are. You are frozen in that secret from the past. You are letting it rule your life. You are trying to sublimate your natural impulses by becoming a nurse. What shall you do when you go back? Will you join Miss Florence Nightingale? I hear she is doing great things in London. Or will you marry Charles Fenwick? That is what you plan to do, perhaps.”

“How do you know so much about my affairs?”

“I told you I keep my eyes open, and as Charles was a doctor in the hospital, naturally I know a little about him. Are you going to marry him?”

“I don’t know. I am not sure. Here everything is so different from at home. I think I should wait before making a decision … until I am back home among the familiar things, the familiar way of life. I will always want to use my gift for nursing in some way.”

“What a cautious lady you are! Do you never act on impulse?”

“I think I do frequently.”

His eyes held mine.

“I am glad of that.”

“Why?”

“Because it is often very stimulating. So you will marry Dr. Fenwick.

He will have a nice little practice in the country . not too big to take him away from his wife and family. The life of a doctor in the country in England can be very pleasant. “

“How could you know?”

“From observation. I don’t think you would become addicted to the cosy life somehow. There is that in you which reaches out for something more … new experiences, adventure … Of course, you might settle down in your pleasant country house in your pleasant country town with your pleasant family and never know anything of other things. There is a saying that what you never have you never miss. But you. Miss Pleydell… Oh, I wonder. You see, there was that something in the past which has made you not quite the conventional young lady you are striving to be.”

“Is there? Is this the result of your acute observations? I should rather call it a lurid imagination. But I am nattered that you have given so much thought to my affairs.”

“You would be even more flattered if you knew how much thought I give to them.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“You are not surprised really,” he said.

“You know, do you not, that I have a very special interest in you.”

I imagine you are indulging in what is called polite dinnertime conversation with a companion who does not warrant serious discourse.”

“Surely that is not the impression I have given you this evening?”

I was silent.

He went on: “Soon we shall leave this place. It has been a most pleasant evening for me. I do not want it to end.”

“It has been kind of you to give me dinner. I had no idea that you were to be my host.”

“Would you have refused the invitation if you had known?”

“Having already accepted Monsieur Lablanche’s …”

“That’s not what I meant. Are you afraid of me?”

“Afraid of you! Why should I be?”

“For a reason … perhaps.”

“Now you are being mysterious.”

“Dear Nightingale, am I not always mysterious? But not so much now because I believe you know what is in my mind. I believe that you and I should get to know each other better. After all, we have worked together in the hospital.”

“Together! You flatter me. I have just been there obeying commands.”

“Still… together.” He put his hand across the table.

“Don’t shut yourself in with that secret past. Bring it out. Let’s talk about it.

Let me prove to you that you are not meant merely to be a nurse. You are a woman as well. and an attractive one. “

I felt the colour rush into my cheeks.

“What are you suggesting?”

“That you look at life as it is, that you do not deny yourself what should be yours.”

“I have been unaware of any self-denial.”

“Let me tell you this: I know you well. You are a woman like other women, and in this Victorian age of restrictions and repressions, so many women do not allow themselves to be themselves. They try to become some cold-blooded ideal which has been set up for them. Do you not see that it suits the community of men to have such women in society … as long as there is another kind of woman to whom they look for their satisfaction? Such women are expected to suppress what is natural to them their emotions and the gratification of their senses, which I assure you should bring no shame. I have watched you.

You are a normal, healthy, full-blooded woman, capable, I know, of deep emotions. You are suppressing them in this vocation for nursing.

I have seen you working as though there is nothing else in life. You are fighting something, holding it at bay. If you would tell me that secret, if we could discuss it together, if you and I could become . true friends . “

I looked at him steadily.

“True friends!” I repeated.

“The truest of friends … the best of friends … between whom there are no barriers. We will go from here. You will come with me .. “

I knew what he was suggesting and the colour flooded into my cheeks.

He saw my embarrassment and was amused by it.

He was thinking I was repressed. This was a most unexpected turn of events.

He was evil. Of course he was evil. I had allowed myself to forget because he had saved William Clift’s life. And why had he done that?

Not for humanity’s sake, but to show himself as omnipotent.

I half-rose from my chair.

“Dr. Adair,” I said, “I wish to go back to the hospital.”

He lifted his shoulders and looked at me quizzically.

“I was indeed right,” he said.

“But I did not realize how strongly you had built that prison round yourself.”

“Your metaphor is somewhat obscure. I am perfectly free and in command of my own life, and I know that I do not want to continue with this conversation. Thank you for the dinner. And now, please, if you will show me how to get back, I will say goodbye.”

“You cannot be out alone in the streets of Constantinople at this hour of the night.”

“I shall be safer …”

“Than with me? I think not. I would not force my company upon you. I might coerce but that is a different matter. Come, we will go, for I see you are becoming agitated. You have marked me as the villain, the seducer, have you not? I have always sensed the antagonism you have felt for me. It intrigues me. I have tried to change it… clumsily. I have such regard for you. Miss Pleydell, but now I have failed … for tonight. The first battle is lost, but first battles do not decide the outcome.”

“You talk as though there is a war between us.”

“It is really quite an apt description. But you will find I am a benign conqueror and the peace terms will be agreeable to you.”

“This is nonsense.”

He looked at me steadily and I knew I had not misjudged his intentions.

I wanted to get away, to be alone, to think of all that had been said at the table, to discover the meaning behind it.

He rose with me, and the gorgeously liveried man bowed us out of the restaurant. Soon we were crossing the bridge into Christian Constantinople.

“If you will take me to the caiques that will be enough,” I said.

“Indeed it will not. I shall take you right back to the hospital.”

“It is unnecessary.”

“I shall do it.”

I said nothing, but I was aware of his eyes on me. There was amusement in them, something sardonic. I felt uneasy, unclean in a way. I was very disturbed. I could not believe that I had interpreted his meaning correctly. But he was such an evil man that I was sure I was right.

We came up the slope to the hospital. There I thanked him again for his hospitality as formally as I could.

“The ending to an evening which could have been so different,” he said.

“A conventional evening which must be expected with one as conventional as yourself.”

“There could be only one possible ending,” I said.

“Thank you.”

He held my hand firmly.

“Not the only possible ending, Miss Pleydell.”

“The only possible as far as I am concerned.”

“Never mind,” he said.

“This is a beginning.”

I turned and left him.

I hurried to the bedroom. I regretted that it was not possible to be alone. We were much depleted now and there was considerably more room, but still privacy was impossible.

Eliza was already on her divan. She opened her eyes as I came in.

“Where’s Henrietta? I saw you go off together.”

“Hasn’t she returned yet?”

“No.”

“We were split up. Dr. Adair joined us and we lost Henrietta and Philippe Lablanche.”

She lifted her head and, leaning on her elbow, stared at me.

“So you were alone … with Dr. Adair.”

I nodded.

“I’m so tired, Eliza.”

“H’m,” she grunted, and lay down. She said nothing more and as we lay there I knew she was not sleeping.

I kept thinking of the evening, what he had said about my deserting Aubrey. It was so unfair. Who had given him that impression? And his veiled suggestion . I supposed that was how he was with all women. He regarded us all as slaves. Hadn’t he lived in the East?

Hadn’t he learned their ways? I had seen the women, their bodies covered by long robes, their faces hidden to be seen only by their masters. He had lived as they had. He shared their views of women. We were here on Earth to pander to the wishes of men and especially men like Damien Adair. By chance he and I had been thrown together. But was it chance or had he arranged to lose the others? He had thought I would be easy. Repressed! Sublimating my natural physical desires by nursing. What impudence! And he had hinted at some sort of relationship between us. If I had hated him before, I did so doubly now.

I felt bruised and shaken. He had wounded me deeply by what he had said about my marriage.

Henrietta came in much later.

She bent over me to see if I was asleep. I pretended I was. I knew she would ask questions about the evening and I wanted to have a greater command of my thoughts before I answered her.

I could not escape the barrage of questions next day. Henrietta was avid for information “What happened? You were there one minute and gone the next.”

“I don’t know how it happened. We just found you were gone.”

“Philippe was getting me through the crowd. I thought you were following.”

“We did stop to look back, I remember.”

“That must have been it. Oh, Anna, what happened?”

“Well, Dr. Adair thought you might have gone to a certain place. He said it was a favourite place of Philippe’s … or something like that. So we went there and dined alone.”

“Alone with Dr. Adair! Oh, Anna, how exciting!”

I was silent.

“He is so fascinating. Of course Philippe is very nice, but … What happened?”

I said: “We just dined, talked and came home. I was in well before you were.”

“Yes. You were fast asleep. What on earth did you talk about?”

“Oh … about the hospital.”

“I should have thought you would have been glad to get away from all that.”

“Well, he’s a doctor and it is very important to him.”

“It must have been wonderful for you.”

Silence again.

She said: “If I had been the one I should have been most thrilled. I mean … all those adventures of his … living in a harem and all that. I should have had so much to talk to him about.”

“You always have so much to talk to everyone about.”

She laughed.

“Well, especially him. I think he is the most amazing man .”

I could not bear to hear her rhapsodizing over him, so I said I really must go to the wards.

It was about a week later when we heard we were to go home. Most of the wounded were to be taken back to England, and very few would remain.

As the departure grew nearer, I noticed Henrietta’s abstraction. I again had a feeling that she did not want to go.

Eliza noticed and commented on it to me.

I think she was anxious about me. She was convinced that I must marry Dr. Fenwick because that would be best for me.

“I’ve said many times,” she said, ‘that you are one of them women that want a family. You want children, and that’s how you’ll get ‘em. Oh, I know you don’t see Dr. Fenwick as some dashing chap who’s going to be worth going to hell for. It’s not like that. Life’s not like that, believe me. I know. And when a girl sees a good thing, she ought to take it and not go dithering about too long, in case it’s snatched away. Chances like that don’t grow on trees. “

I never minded her interfering in my affairs. I liked to feel that big Eliza had taken me under her wing.

I did wonder what she would do when she returned to England, and I asked her.

She shrugged her shoulders.

“I might get into one of these hospitals they talk about. I reckon I could say I’d had enough experience now.

That or the old game. Who knows? It’s a tossup. “

“But where will you live when you get back?”

“I’ll find a room somewhere. Rooms is always going.”

“Eliza, come back with Henrietta and me. I’ve got room to spare in the house I rent.”

“What! Stay in your house! You must be stark raving mad. You can’t have the likes of me in your house!”

“My dear Eliza, I choose my guests and I have the likes of whom I like.”

She laughed at me.

“No. It’ll be different when you get home, you see.

Friends here won’t be friends there. Here, we’re all the same. We’re all together. But it will be different when we get home. “

“It will be what we make it, Eliza, and I want you to come and stay until you decide what you want to do. We might go into one of the hospitals together.”

“You don’t want to be doing that sort of work. You’re going to marry that nice Dr. Fenwick.”

“Eliza, please say you’ll come with us. We’ll go and see Ethel in the country.”

“That would be nice.”

“It’s settled, then.”

“You are a one,” she said. Her forehead wrinkled.

“I hope it will be all right with you and Dr. Fenwick.”

“These things take their course.”

“There was one time when I was afraid you was getting something for that Dr. Adair … like Henrietta.”

“For him! Oh no! He’s very remote.”

“That don’t make no difference. I’d say he was a bad ‘un. He’s out for Number One and that is Dr. Adair.”

“I expect you’re right.”

“But he’s got something I’ll say that for him. I reckon the women fall for him like ninepins. It’s that way of his … all them dark good looks and that mystery about the East and all that. I reckon he’s lived a life … and somehow you know it.”

“He seems to have made an impression on you.”

“He’d make an impression in a stone wall, that one would. It’s Henrietta I’m worried about. You’ve got sense. Things have happened to you. You’ve been married once and you know it ain’t all beer and skittles. But Henrietta, she’s a baby, really. She’s an innocent... rather like Ethel but in a different way, if you get my meaning. “

“I think Henrietta can take care of herself. She seems so light-hearted and a little frivolous, but she is shrewd really.”

“I dunno. Girls can get funny about men, and with that sort of man, you can never be sure.”

“But you don’t think Dr. Adair and Henrietta …”

“I wouldn’t put nothing past him. If he lifted his finger, she’d be off.

“You’ve noticed how she is when he’s about … when he’s mentioned, even. He’d only have to say the word and she’d be off with him and that ain’t going to do her no good.”

“Eliza, you’re wrong. She is seeing a great deal of Monsieur Lablanche.”

“A nice fellow, that one … like Dr. Fenwick, but it ain’t always the nice ones people seem to want if they ain’t got much sense, and most women haven’t. I know what I’m talking about.”

Did she? I wondered.

As the day for our departure grew nearer, Henrietta became more pensive. She lapsed into silences so rare with her. I asked if anything was wrong and she assured me that nothing was. But I knew she had something on her mind.

It was the night before we were due to sail. We were not sure exactly what time we should be leaving Scutari; but we had been warned that we must be ready to embark when the order was given.

I saw Dr. Adair that day. I knew that he had been looking for me. We went into the little room next to the now depleted ward.

“So,” he said, ‘you are leaving tomorrow. “

“Yes.”

“You don’t want to go?”

I hesitated. He was right in a way. I felt deflated. I had come out here determined to show him for what he was; and what had I done?

Nothing. He had outwitted me at every turn; all I had succeeded in doing was making myself dependent on him. It was the first time I had admitted that. Now I saw clearly that when I was with him, when I exchanged words with him, I felt alive. I fed on my hatred; I had lived for it and the plain fact was that life would be blank without it. There was emptiness everywhere.

“So I am right,” he said triumphantly.

“You don’t want to go.” He came close to me and laid a hand on my arm, holding it firmly.

“Don’t go,” he said.

“How could I stay? We have been told we are to leave the hospital.”

“There are places other than the hospital. You know how interested you are in the city. I could show you some fascinating parts.”

“That is absurd. Where should I live?”

“I will arrange that.”

“Are you really suggesting …”

He looked at me smiling, nodding.

“Come, Miss Pleydell. Miss Caged Nightingale. Do what you want to do even if it is against the rules society has laid down for you. Stay here. I will see that everything is arranged for you.”

“Of course I know you are not serious.”

“I am in earnest.”

“Why?”

“Because I should miss you if you went away.”

“Surely not.”

“Please, Miss Pleydell. I know my own feelings.”

“Well, goodbye, DrAdair.”

“I shall not say goodbye. If you are determined to leave tomorrow, I will say au revoir. Because we shall meet again, you know.”

He took my hand and held it, compelling me to look into his eyes. I felt emotion taking possession of my common sense. I was very sad, not because I was leaving the hospital, not because the war was over how could I be? These were matters over which I should rejoice. But if I had to admit the truth, it was because I should not be seeing him. He had obsessed me for so long even before I saw him. I had lived for my revenge, and now that we had come face to face that had eluded me.

I wanted to go on battling with him. I wanted more of these dinnertime tetes-a-tetes when he sat opposite me making oblique suggestions that there might be some relationship between us which I, to my shame, was excited to contemplate.

I was going to feel depressed when we left. I wondered what I should do in London. I should be wishing myself back in the horrors of the Scutari hospital working constantly, witnessing sights which sickened me and filled me with pity, dropping on to my divan at night too exhausted for anything but the brief sleep I could enjoy until morning came. But all the time there had been the possibility of seeing him, of even exchanging a few words with him, of discovering something which I could tell myself was a part of his conceit and villainy.

I should miss him. That was a mild way of expressing what I should feel. My life would be empty without him.

“Goodbye, Dr. Adair,” I repeated.

He kept my hand in his.

“Don’t go,” he said quietly.

“Goodbye.”

“You are adamant.”

“Naturally. I am going home.”

“We shall meet again.”

“Perhaps …”

“Not perhaps. I shall make sure that we do. You’re going to regret leaving, you know.” I just smiled, withdrew my hand and walked away.

It was later that day when Henrietta came to me.

“Anna,” she said, “I’m not going.”

“What do you mean … not going?”

“I’m not going home.”

“You can’t stay at the hospital.”

“I know. I’m not planning to do that.”

“But… you can’t …”

“I can … when we leave here. We are discharged already. I can go where I like. I’m going to stay here.”

“Where?”

“In Constantinople.”

“Alone?”

“Well… I shall be all right. I have to make a decision.”

“What decision?”

“It’s Philippe. He’s asked me to marry him.”

“Have you agreed?”

She shook her head.

“I’m not sure. I want time.”

“But you could always come out again.”

“I don’t want to do that. I’m going to stay here.”

“But you can’t.”

“One or two are staying. Grace Curry and Betty Green and some others.”

“They’re different. They can take care of themselves. They’re not young girls.”

“I’ll have people to take care of me. I have to stay, Anna. Nothing is going to make me change my mind.”

“Oh, Henrietta,” I said.

“We came out together. We’ve been together all this time.”

“I know. Ours is a wonderful friendship, but this is more important to me than anything. You go home. You’ll have Eliza with you. She’s better than I am . “

“Don’t stay here, Henrietta.”

“I must.”

“You haven’t told me everything.”

She was silent.

“There are some things one can’t talk of. One can’t explain one’s feelings. This is something I have to do on my own.”

“Have you seriously thought of what you are doing?”

“I’ve thought of nothing else for ages. I’m not waiting until tomorrow. I’m going tonight.”

“I can’t believe this. I feel completely shattered.”

“I put off telling you. I should have done so before. But you know me.

If I don’t like doing something, I pretend it doesn’t exist. I’ve always been like that. “

“Perhaps I had better stay with you.”

She looked at me in alarm.

“No, no. You must go home. Eliza’s going with you. Oh, Anna, won’t Jane and Polly be pleased. And Lily too.

They’ll kill the fatted calf. “

“Henrietta, is there something you want to tell me?”

She shook her head.

“No … no. I must do this, Anna. Please try to understand and one day … soon perhaps … I’ll come and see you.

Then I’ll tell you everything. Then you’ll understand. “

She embraced me, holding me tightly in silence, for we were both too emotional for words.

I found Eliza and told her what Henrietta had told me.

She said: “I saw it coming. I knew it. Poor Henrietta, she doesn’t know what she’s letting herself in for.”

“I’ve talked to her. I’ve tried to beg her to come with us. I’ve even said I’d stay.”

“You mustn’t. You must get home. You must live like you was meant to live. Dr. Fenwick will come and when you are married to him, you’ll wonder why you ever put it off so long.”

We said a tense goodbye to Henrietta. A few other women had decided to stay and those who were doing so left that night.

I could not believe that I was losing her. For so long we had been together. I was hurt and bewildered that she could go thus. She knew my feelings and wanted to explain, but she obviously could not bring herself to.

“It’s love, that’s what it is,” said Eliza. That gets stronger than friendship. Every other thing’s forgotten when a man beckons to his mate. “

We went with Henrietta out of the hospital. We watched her make her way down the incline to the shore. We saw her getting into the caique.

Then I stared, for Dr. Adair had joined her and was standing beside her.

Eliza turned to me.

“I told you so. I knew it.”

“What?” I said, although I knew.

“She’s gone off with him. All he had to do was raise his finger and she’s off, forsaking her friends … everyone. Well, that’s the way of the world.”

“She is going to Philippe Lablanche.”

“That’s a likely tale.”

“It was what she told me.”

“She didn’t want you to know the truth. She was under his spell. I saw that plain as plum duff without the plums. She’s gone off with him.

Oh, the little fool. And we’ll not be here when he throws her off.

He’s took her . I reckon he was after you as well. I know his sort.

Gawd help our little Henrietta. “

“I don’t believe it. She would have told me. She distinctly said Philippe.”

“He was waiting for her, wasn’t he?

“Course she’ll tell you it’s Philippe. She wouldn’t want you to know the truth. I’ve seen it coming. I know life, I do. She’s gone off for a few weeks … a few days … perhaps a few hours with our mysterious gentleman, and she thinks that worth while!”

“Surely neither of them would do such a thing.”

“What do you mean neither of them? He’s a rogue and she’s a fool.

He’s out for everything he can get and she’s been working up to this for weeks. “

“Perhaps I should try to find her, bring her back.”

important to me than anything. You go home. You’ll have Eliza with you. She’s better than I am . “

“Don’t stay here, Henrietta.”

“I must.”

“You haven’t told me everything.”

She was silent.

“There are some things one can’t talk of. One can’t explain one’s feelings. This is something I have to do on my own.”

“Have you seriously thought of what you are doing?”

“I’ve thought of nothing else for ages. I’m not waiting until tomorrow. I’m going tonight.”

“I can’t believe this. I feel completely shattered.”

“I put off telling you. I should have done so before. But you know me.

If I don’t like doing something, I pretend it doesn’t exist. I’ve always been like that. “

“Perhaps I had better stay with you.”

She looked at me in alarm.

“No, no. You must go home. Eliza’s going with you. Oh, Anna, won’t Jane and Polly be pleased. And Lily too.

They’ll kill the fatted calf. “

“Henrietta, is there something you want to tell me?”

She shook her head.

“No … no. I must do this, Anna. Please try to understand and one day … soon perhaps … I’ll come and see you.

Then I’ll tell you everything. Then you’ll understand. “

She embraced me, holding me tightly in silence, for we were both too emotional for words.

I found Eliza and told her what Henrietta had told me.

She said: “I saw it coming. I knew it. Poor Henrietta, she doesn’t know what she’s letting herself in for.”

“I’ve talked to her. I’ve tried to beg her to come with us. I’ve even said I’d stay.”

“You mustn’t. You must get home. You must live like you was meant to live. Dr. Fenwick will come and when you are married to him, you’ll wonder why you ever put it off so long.”

We said a tense goodbye to Henrietta. A few other women had decided to stay and those who were doing so left that night.

I could not believe that I was losing her. For so long we had been together. I was hurt and bewildered that she could go thus. She knew my feelings and wanted to explain, but she obviously could not bring herself to.

“It’s love, that’s what it is,” said Eliza.

“That gets stronger than friendship. Every other thing’s forgotten when a man beckons to his mate.”

We went with Henrietta out of the hospital. We watched her make her way down the incline to the shore. We saw her getting into the caique.

Then I stared, for Dr. Adair had joined her and was standing beside her.

Eliza turned to me.

“I told you so. I knew it.”

“What?” I said, although I knew.

“She’s gone off with him. All he had to do was raise his finger and she’s off, forsaking her friends … everyone. Well, that’s the way of the world.”

“She is going to Philippe Lablanche.”

“That’s a likely tale.”

“It was what she told me.”

“She didn’t want you to know the truth. She was under his spell. I saw that plain as plum duff without the plums. She’s gone off with him.

Oh, the little fool. And we’ll not be here when he throws her off.

He’s took her . I reckon he was after you as well. I know his sort.

Gawd help our little Henrietta. “

“I don’t believe it. She would have told me. She distinctly said Philippe.”

“He was waiting for her, wasn’t he?

“Course she’ll tell you it’s Philippe. She wouldn’t want you to know the truth. I’ve seen it coming. I know life, I do. She’s gone off for a few weeks … a few days … perhaps a few hours with our mysterious gentleman, and she thinks that worth while!”

“Surely neither of them would do such a thing.”

“What do you mean neither of them? He’s a rogue and she’s a fool.

He’s out for everything he can get and she’s been working up to this for weeks. “

“Perhaps I should try to find her, bring her back.”

“How? Where? She’ll be right in the heart of the city before you could get near her. His mistress … that’s what she’ll be. She won’t last long with him neither. There’s nothing we can do.”

I did not sleep all through my last night in Scutari. I lay tossing from side to side.

What were they doing now? They were together. Damien I called him Damien in my thoughts would be making love to her. He would be expert at that and poor Henrietta was innocent, inexperienced, a dreamy-eyed schoolgirl, really. She would believe it would go on forever, and for him she would be one of those lights-o’-love to be taken up for a brief spell and then discarded when he tired of them like the women in the harem. Perhaps he had a harem in that place in Constantinople? I imagined them . women in their beautiful silks, Turkish garb . those sheer baggy gauze trousers caught in at the ankles . waiting to be summoned to their lord.

To think that Henrietta had become one of those . a slave, no less. And he had tried to make me one of his band! I expect he would have liked us both to be there together.

I must stop thinking of them. Henrietta had made her choice. She must abide by it. What had she done? She had cast aside her independence, a civilized way of life, to become a slave.

Lurid pictures flashed in and out of my mind. I imagined him, talking to her across the table as he had to me. I imagined their making love; and in my imagination it was not Henrietta who shared in those erode posturings, but I. I was fighting a battle with myself. I wanted to be there. What a shameful admission! It was not true. I wanted never to see him again. I wanted to forget I had ever heard of him. But how could I? He had been part of my life for so long. I had fed my grief with tit bits of revenge. I had lived through the blankness of my life in the hope of revenging myself on him. I had endowed him with all sorts of villainies. He had been the Demon Doctor - not quite human. He had taken possession of me as surely as if he had done so physically. He was evil and yet life was so empty without him.

I thought fleetingly of Charles Fenwick. I had not felt this emptiness when I had watched him sail for home. Yet Charles was a good honest man. He was offering me a great deal, and I had turned from it. I had to be reasonable; I had to be sensible. I had to get the Demon Doctor out of my mind.

I must try to sleep, or I should be so tired in the morning and there would be a great deal to do. I forced myself to think of my homecoming. As soon as I had known, I had written to Jane and Polly telling them the date of my arrival; but I was not sure when they would receive the letter.

I should be sure of a welcome. They would kill the fatted calf, as Henrietta had said. What talk there would be. Jane, Polly, Lily, they would all want to know so much. I should have to explain about Henrietta and introduce Eliza to them.

William Clift would be travelling with us. I was to take him home. A present for Lily. What a present! I must be thankful for what I was able to do.

And it was Damien who had saved his life, and there I was back with him. It was useless to try to get him out of my mind.

I went over every detail of that day when, behind the screen, he had saved William’s life with his strange methods. No one else could have done it. No one else would have dared to do what he had done. I must not forget that nor must I forget that we had misjudged him. When we had found him wearing that turban looking magnificent he had not been indulging in erotic adventures; he had been procuring drugs which he had administered to William and others and so saved their lives.

He was satanic in some ways, but he was a good doctor. He had done many things which would be judged disreputable, but how many lives had he saved? And how many lost? Doctors could not save life all the time.

It was the very nature of their work that they must experiment.

And here he was, dominating my thoughts, keeping sleep at bay, filling me with a wretched feeling of loss. No sleep was possible that night.

The next day we boarded the ship which was to take us to Marseilles.

It was almost as battered as the Vectis and appeared to be only just seaworthy; but I was hardly aware of that. My thoughts were in Constantinople.

Those soldiers who were well enough to travel came with us, William among them. At least I found comfort in the fact that I was taking him home to Lily.

I felt very emotional as we sailed down the Bosphorus, looking back at those shores, at the minarets and towers of Constantinople and the hospital at Scutari. Eliza and I stood side by side watching.

“Lots of water flowed under the bridge since we first came,” she commented.

“I remember it well… the four of us. We had become good friends by then. How glad I am that we did.”

“Same here,” said Eliza; she was always brief when her emotions were involved.

“At least Ethel came out all right,” she went on.

“Who’d have thought it? Little Ethel! One of life’s victims. Just shows you, you can never be sure. She’s had a real starry romance. I wonder how she is? Won’t it be good to see her?”

“It will,” I agreed.

Then we went inside to our squalid and cramped quarters.

In a way it was like history repeating itself. It was not long before we were in the storm. Eliza and I went on deck and sat side by side, the waves crashing against the side of our frail craft, wondering, as we did on that other occasion, whether we would survive.

“It’s just like that other time, only now there are only two of us,” said Eliza.

“Now Ethel’s safe at home. It only goes to show you should never give up, don’t it?”

“It does indeed,” I said.

“Just think. If you hadn’t stopped her going over she’d never have met Tom, never have had that life in the country. Don’t it make you feel sort of powerful, to have had that effect on someone’s life?”

“Don’t we all have effects on each other’s lives?”

“I reckon you’ve got something there. But to have saved a life, that’s really something.”

I thought of him at that screened-off bedside, holding the bullet in his hand. I thought of his methods . willing William to feel no pain, the administration of a drug which would no doubt have been unacceptable in our hospitals at home. He had saved other lives . and lost a few. How did it feel?

Eliza said: “You’re brooding still.”

“Well, there is a lot to think about. So much has happened to us since we came out. We must be different people. We have seen sights which have shocked us beyond measure … horrors we shall never forget.

People at home hear of the triumphs of war and they imagine our gallant soldiers galloping to victory . and it is all magnificent and romantic. But it is not like that at all. That is something you and I will never forget, Eliza. “

“True enough.”

We were silent thinking of those long exhausting days, of the times when the arab as had come in with the wounded, the continual fight against the lack of beds, equipment . everything we needed.

She said suddenly: “You’ve got a choice to make. Are you going to work in one of those hospitals Miss Nightingale is going to set up … or are you going to marry Dr. Fenwick?”

“It’s difficult to plan ahead, Eliza.”

“That means you are not sure, don’t it?”

“I suppose it does. And you, Eliza?”

“I’ll never have no devoted lover wanting me. I’m one of them that’s got to look after themselves. It might be the hospital for me. I dunno. I never plan far ahead. Things happen to you whether you plan or not. You and me sitting here and you wanting me to go back with you. Who would have thought when we first come out?”

“You were a little suspicious of us.”

“I thought you was one of them ladies that was playing at it, and I knew it wasn’t going to be no playground.”

“We got to know each other and that was a good thing. I shall always cherish your friendship, Eliza.”

“I know this sounds a bit soft, but I’ve got fond of you, and I was real frightened that you was going to do something silly. That man!

What was it about him? He wasn’t like other men, was he? “

“You mean Dr. Adair.”

“That’s right. Them eyes of his seemed to go right through you. He was good-looking, too. Sort of face you don’t see about much. What I mean is, there’s some people … you see them and five minutes after you can’t remember what they looked like. Him … once seen, never forgotten.”

“Yes, I think you are right.”

“He was sort of fascinating. Even I felt it. You had the feeling he could make you do just what he wanted.”

I nodded.

“I could see how you felt about him.”

“I … knew of him before I met him. He’s written books, you know, about his adventures in the East. He is interested in medicines used in countries remote from us. He believes we in the Western world shut our ears and eyes to Eastern methods. He thinks we should explore every avenue, leave nothing to chance.”

“I can see how he’s got through to you. You sort of glow when you talk of him.”

“Glow?”

“Well, I’m not much good with words. But your eyes shine and there’s something in your voice. I can see he got through to you like he did to Henrietta.”

“It was because of what I’d heard of him. I wanted to find out if it was all true.”

“I reckon he was a good doctor all right. Not the sort Dr. Fenwick is.

Now he’s a good man, and that other, he’s not what you’d call a good man. He wouldn’t only be finding out about medicines, but customs and things. “

“He lived among them. It was the only way he could get to know them, the only way he could make his discoveries.”

“And we know what some of their ways are. He’s all man, that’s what I’d say of him. He’s got a real opinion of himself. He thinks we’re all here for him to make use of. I could see what he was doing to Henrietta.”

“I can’t believe she would lie to me. If she were going to him she would have said so.”

Eliza shook her head.

“No,” she said emphatically.

“She knew how you felt about him.”

“I never mentioned my feelings about him.”

“You didn’t have to. She knew because she felt it all herself, and when she went off with him, she didn’t want you to know because she thought it would hurt you. So she made up this tale about marrying the Frenchman.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“That’s what she’d do. She turned away from what was painful. She wouldn’t have hurt you for the world. She didn’t want you to know she’d got the prize … ” Cos that’s how she’d see it. She’s gone to him. Gawd help her. It won’t last. She’s not the sort to keep him content. He had his eyes on you. You were more serious. I could see he was watching you. Then I suppose she was easier. She was ready to drop into his arms. I know men; I know women. You be thankful for what you’ve got. You’ve got a choice. Dr. Fenwick and a good life with little ‘uns, which is what you want to lay that other little ‘un to rest, which you won’t really do until you’ve got another. You’re the kind of woman that wants ‘em, as I’ve told you before. If you’ve got any sense and I do think you’ve got some you’ll take Dr. Fenwick.

And you thank your lucky stars that he’s there for you. “

“Oh Eliza,” I said, ‘it’s good to talk to you. “

We were silent for a while, then I said: “Do you think this ship will make it to Marseilles?”

“She will. Though you wouldn’t think it to see the battering she’s taking.”

“Storms seem to invite confidences.”

“It’s because you’re reckless. At the back of your mind is

Somewhat battered and the worse for the voyage, we reached Marseilles.

Then there was the journey to Paris, where we stayed a night in the same hotel in which we had stayed on the way out.

Then to Calais and the ship which was to take us across the Channel.

We had plenty to do looking after the soldiers we had with us, even though none of them was seriously ill.

As the white cliffs came nearer, my emotions were in a turmoil. Home seemed so cosy and comfortable, and yet I felt that so much of me had been left behind. I was disconcerted to learn that I had betrayed my feelings to such an extent. Eliza had made me realize the strength of them. Had I really looked as Eliza said I had? Transported! Glowing, was her exact word. Was it so obvious? And had he noticed?

How foolish I was! I had set out to destroy him and it seemed as though he had destroyed me.

I would have to face the truth now. I wanted to be with him. More than anything I wanted that. He was the most fascinating person I had ever met. He was complex. There was so much to learn about him . more than one could learn in a lifetime. Had he destroyed my child indirectly? No, Julian was already dead when he came. But he had influenced Aubrey, I believed. My encounters with him had been brief; the knowledge that he was near had exhilarated me; and what I had thought was burning anger had turned into something else.

And he had taken Henrietta!

I felt that he wanted me to know that. He had been angry because I had turned away from his advances. There was no doubt in my mind what those suggestions of his had meant. He had wanted to have me with him his willing mistress and slave. There had been no hint of marriage. Would a man like that want to marry? A wife, a normal family, would impede his freedom. He would want to pursue his adventures whenever the mood took him. He was arrogant and immoral; he was accustomed to stride through life taking what he wanted and leaving it as soon as he no longer wanted it; and he would not change for any woman.

He was unique. That was why he-felt he was entitled to act as he did.

And I had been foolish enough to allow myself to be caught up with him. How amused he must have been! To see me, shining with joy just because he had spoken to me! Eliza saw it, so he must have seen it, too. He would believe that I had turned away from his suggestion because I was afraid of him, afraid of stepping out of the conventional mould.

And so . he had beckoned instead to Henrietta and she had readily gone to him.

What a mess I had made of everything! First my marriage. Should I have stayed and tried to make a different man of Aubrey? Should I have helped him fight that terrible addiction? When it was happening I had believed there was nothing I could do about it but leave him. But had I been wrong . callous, indifferent? I had broken those vows I had made to love and cherish in sickness and in health. And then my senseless notion of revenge had kept me afloat in the sea of misery in which I had been drowning when I lost my baby.

I had been foolish. I should have faced up to life. I should have looked it squarely in the face and not deceived myself.

Well, now I had to start again.

Could I marry Charles? Would it be fair to him when my feelings were so strongly engaged towards someone else . and such a man! There could never have been anyone like him. If I saw him again, how strong could I be? So . how could I marry Charles?

I was thankful that Eliza was with me. Perhaps we could go to one of the hospitals together. After all, we were trained for the work.

The cliffs were so near now. We were almost home.

It was a moment of great joy when we arrived at Victoria Station for my letter had arrived in time to warn them of my coming and Joe was waiting there with the carriage. Lily was with him. I shall never forget the sight of her when she ran into William’s arms.

For some moments they clung together. She looked at him, searching his face to see if he was the same . her William.

Then she turned to me.

“Oh, Miss Anna … you saved him. You brought him home to me.”

“It was not I who saved him. Lily. It was the doctor … Dr. Adair.”

“May God bless him. I wish I could thank him for what he has done.”

And there was Joe. He just stood looking at me.

“Home, then …” he said.

“Them there is like cats on hot bricks.

Been in that state ever since they knew. “

“And where is Miss Henrietta?” asked Lily.

“She’s staying out there … for a while.”

“Oh … I thought you was both coming home.”

“This is Eliza, Miss Flynn. She was nursing with me and she is going to stay with us for a while.”

“Well, fancy that,” said Lily.

“What a time you must have had. I’m so glad you was there. Miss Anna. I can’t tell you how I felt when I heard from you that William was safe.”

“Better be getting on,” said Joe.

“Them horses is impatient. Don’t like standing too long.”

And there we were in the carriage trotting through the streets.

As the carriage drew up Jane and Polly were at the door. I ran to them and they embraced me.

“Well, well,” said Polly.

“This is a day, and all. We’ve been counting the days, ain’t we, Jane?”

Jane said they had and wasn’t it wonderful to see me and where was Miss Henrietta?

I told them that she was staying behind for a while, and that I had brought Miss Eliza to stay with us. She had nursed with me.

In the hall they had fixed up a banner on which was painted “Welcome Home’. It was very touching. I stared at it with emotion and thought how lucky I was to have such people who cared for me.

“Well, there’s roast beef,” said Polly.

“We thought you’d like that after all the nasty foreign stuff you must have been eating.”

“You think of everything,” I told her.

Eliza was a little subdued but Jane and Polly were warm and friendly towards her.

“I’m putting you in Miss Henrietta’s bed because that’s all aired and warmed,” said Jane.

“How long before Miss Henrietta comes home. Miss Pleydell?”

“We’re not sure. I think it’s a good idea to give Miss Flynn her room.”

How strange it seemed to sit at a table with spotless napery and to eat the perfectly cooked meal which Jane set before us. Lily and William stayed to eat with us and I insisted on Jane and Polly sitting down with us too.

“T’aint right and proper,” said Jane; but they were pleased none the less.

Afterwards Lily and William left; and Joe drove them to the Clift shop where I had no doubt a great welcome awaited them.

It was stranger still to lie in a comfortable bed in a room of one’s own. How cool the sheets seemed and they smelt of the lavender sachets which Polly put in the linen.

And yet I felt restless and sad and as if I should never know contentment again. I was foolish and the truth was becoming clearer to me. I had fallen in love with a myth.

B The days seemed long. There was not enough to do. I shopped a little, though I seemed to have so many clothes. It was something to do.

Eliza fitted in well and was soon on friendly terms with Jane and Polly. They accepted her; and the verdict was that she was one of them.

“Lord love a duck,” said Polly admiringly, ‘that one’s got the strength of a man. ” That was when Eliza had shifted a piece of furniture in one of the rooms. She was so eager to make herself useful and insisted on helping with the housework.

We were making enquiries about a suitable hospital where we might work. I read in the papers that Miss Nightingale was raising funds to train a superior order of nurses at St. Thomas’s and King’s College hospitals. We wondered whether we should be eligible to join. While we were pondering on this, Charles Fenwick arrived in London.

His coming was treated with obvious approval, not only by Eliza, who had often made her feelings known to me, but by Jane and Polly.

They excelled themselves with the lunch they provided.

After the meal Charles and I went for a walk in Kensington Gardens, where he told me of his plans.

“I did say that I would wait before getting involved in a practice, that I might consult you. But this came up and it seemed ideal. I had to make a quick decision.”

“I’m glad you did. It’s for you to decide, Charles.”

“You know that I hope it will be your life, too.”

“I don’t want you to consider me, Charles. You see, I may not…”

“I understand. You’re unsure. All that has happened is so unsettling.

I don’t think anyone who was out there and saw what we saw and lived through it will ever be quite the same again. “

“You are so good and understanding that it seems churlish of me …”

“Oh, nonsense! I want you to be happy. I want you to be sure that you are doing what is best for you.”

“I know I’m being foolish. It is just that I am so undecided.”

We sat near the Round Pond and watched the children playing with their boats.

I tried to explain.

“I’m not a young and inexperienced girl. I have been married. It all seems so wonderful at first and then it changes and you see what a mistake you have made.”

“It would make one wary,” he agreed.

“I shouldn’t be … of you. I know how kind you are … how good. It is you who should be wary of me. I left my husband. Had I been a good wife I should have stayed, no matter how hard it was.

Perhaps I am not the sort of person who makes a good wife. “

“With the right marriage, you would. I’ll tell you what we’ll do.

We’ll go down to Meriton. That’s the name of the place. It’s rather pleasant, isn’t it? It’s in Gloucestershire. I love the Cotswold country. The practice is a partnership. There’s a Dr. Silkin. He’s not exactly old but middle-aged, mid-fifties and he wants to ease off a bit. He wants a partner with a view to taking over the whole practice in due course. It’s an excellent opportunity. I took a fancy to him and the place. “

“It sounds ideal for you … just what you were looking for.”

“I’ve found a pleasant little house which would suit us nicely at first. It’s almost exactly next door to the doctor’s house. There’s a charming garden with two apple trees and one cherry tree. It would be ideal for us to start off with. I’m longing for you to see it.”

“I’m so afraid …”

“You mustn’t be afraid of anything. I want you to know that I understand perfectly. You’re not sure yet. Well then, the wise thing is not to rush into anything. But come down to see it. No obligations.

Just come and tell me what you think of it. “

“As long as you understand …”

“I do. I assure you I do. When will you come? Come on Saturday. Bring Eliza with you. Then you won’t be travelling alone. I’ll meet you at the station.”

“Yes, I’ll come,” I said.

We came through the Flower Walk where the nannies were sitting while their charges ran round them. I thought how charming the children were and I felt that pang of sadness they always aroused with their memories of Julian.

Then we went back to the house where Jane was toasting muffins for tea and Polly was preening herself about the cake which, as she said, ‘she had duffed up in a jiffy’ because we had company.

Everyone seemed in a euphoric mood and I guessed by the looks they exchanged that they all believed that this was, as they would say, ‘my intended’.

As arranged, Charles met us at the station in the brougham which he used for his rounds. He greeted us with delight and Eliza and I sat inside while he drove up front.

The countryside was beautiful. Perhaps it seemed more so because it was so long since we had seen leafy lanes and green fields where buttercups and daisies grew. Everything seemed fresh and peaceful.

Then we came to Meriton, an ancient market town. Everywhere was the grey Cotswold stone. Aubretia and arab is grew out of the walls in front of the houses, behind which were gardens ablaze with flowers.

Eliza said: “What a lovely place. I never knew there was such places.”

“It is rather lovely,” said Charles proudly.

“It’s so peaceful.”

“Yes, that’s what one thinks of … peace.”

We went first to Charles’s house. He had already acquired a housekeeper a comfortable, middle-aged woman who clearly, after the fashion of her kind, was determined to ‘mother’ him. The house with its. creeper-covered grey stone walls was charming, the garden well-tended.

“A man comes twice a week. I inherited him from the previous owners.”

“You manage very well,” I said.

“I can see you are already part of Meriton.”

“We are having luncheon with my partner. He insisted when he knew you were coming. He has a bigger establishment and he said it was easier for you to go there. As a matter of fact, I am invited to lunch with them every Sunday. It’s a very pleasant arrangement.”

I understood what he meant. Dr. Silkin, fresh-faced, grey-haired, was a very pleasant man. He greeted us warmly and it was quite clear to me that he was immensely satisfied with the arrangements he had made.

Charles, I was sure, was a trustworthy partner and it seemed to me that Dr. Silkin was still congratulating himself on finding someone eminently suitable.

“You must meet my daughter,” he said.

“Dorothy,” he called.

“Where are you? Our guests are here.”

I was not expecting anyone so young. I guessed her age to be about twenty-one or -two. She had rather lovely brown eyes and smooth brown hair drawn down on either side of her face with a knot at the nape of her neck. It was a gentle face, beautiful in a way, without being regular featured but with an expression of kindliness. She was the sort of person one liked immediately because there was about her an inner goodness which I have sometimes seen in older faces, rarely in one so young.

She smiled at us and said: “Welcome to Meriton. Charles has told us about you and the wonderful things you have been doing in the Crimea.”

“Dorothy is avidly curious about all that went on,” said Charles, looking at the girl with a kind of tender indulgence.

“She thinks Miss Florence Nightingale is a saint.”

“She is probably not far wrong,” I said.

“Did you actually see her?” asked Dorothy.

“Oh yes.”

“And she spoke to you?”

“Anna worked for her, so there,” said Charles.

“Anna, you are receiving a very warm welcome here because you have worked in the same hospital as Miss Nightingale.”

“Oh come! Not only that,” protested Dr. Silkin.

It was a beautiful house and Dorothy was an expert house keeper. In the dining-room there was an oil painting hanging over the fireplace.

It portrayed a woman so like Dorothy that I guessed it must be her mother.

Later this was confirmed. She had been dead for four years, and since then Dorothy had looked after her father.

“She’s an excellent housekeeper,” said Dr. Silkin, looking fondly at his daughter.

“Moreover, she helps me in my work. She has a wonderful way with patients.”

“Keeping the difficult ones at bay,” said Charles with a smile, ‘while offering the right touch of sympathy to those who need They talked of life in the little town: the friendly gatherings, the church functions, the musical evenings, the little dinner parties I could see that Charles was enamoured of it and he had obviously become on terms of great friendship with the Silkins. It certainly was an ideal arrangement.

Could I see myself part of it? Why not? It was a pleasant comfortable lifestyle. I could be of use. My knowledge of nursing would be an asset. I imagined myself in that little house with its stone walls and Virginia creeper. But should I feel enclosed, shut in? Yet I might have children . little ones to take away the pain I still felt at the loss of Julian.

It was a pleasant day.

In the late afternoon Charles drove us to the station. He looked at me wistfully as he said goodbye.

“Perhaps you’ll come again soon,” he said.

“Just let me know. I am sure the Silkins liked you.”

“I liked them, too. I think you chose wisely, Charles.”

“So you liked it… and them. That’s the first step.”

Eliza was thoughtful in the train.

She said: “He’s a good man. It would be a good life. You’re lucky, you know.”

“If only I could make up my mind.”

“Anyone in her right senses would, unless, of course’ she looked at me obliquely ‘unless she’s got plans somewhere else.”

“I haven’t got any plans. I just feel it’s so cosy … too cosy .. stifling. Like being in a soft feather bed, sinking right down, being caught in it … in a cosy, comfortable sort of way.”

“You don’t half have some fancies. Besides, what’s wrong with a feather bed?”

She looked at me shrewdly and we were silent for a while. I sat back listening to the chugging of the train and thinking of myself in that little house. And then another figure intruded into my reverie . cynically smiling, holding me with those eyes. Not for you, he was saying. You want to be free to discover the world. You want to wipe away the conventions. Stop thinking what you ought to; start thinking of what you like. Discover for yourself . I could show you . But he was gone. I should probably never see him again. And if I did, what then? Oh, I was indeed, as Eliza said, not in my right senses.

Eliza was speaking.

“What did you think of Miss Dorothy?”

“Charming,” I said.

“Yes … and the doctor’s daughter. She’d make a good wife … to a doctor.”

“I dare say.”

“And I reckon she might… some day. It would be all very neat, wouldn’t it?”

“Do you mean Charles?”

“Well, there it is, all cut and dried as you might say, and ready for the market.”

“You use some odd expressions.”

“Never mind, as long as I make my meaning clear.”

“Your meaning is clear, Eliza. You are saying that if I delay and refuse Dr. Fenwick, Dorothy might very well become his wife.”

“Well, you could say it was working out that way, couldn’t you? I think she thought a lot of him, working in the Crimea with Miss Nightingale … well, that for one thing has set him up as a hero in her eyes.”

“Those doctors were heroic.”

“And Dr. Fenwick is a good man as well as a hero.”

“You have certainly always spoken up for him.”

“Sometimes when you lose something you appreciate it all the more.”

“Are you telling me that if I don’t snap up Dr. Fenwick very soon I shall lose him to Dorothy Silkin?”

“Just that,” she said.

“Do you know, Eliza, I am rather glad there is a Dorothy Silkin. I think she will be an ideal wife for Charles. He deserves the best and she would be better for him than I.”

“You’d be better for him … and he’d be good for you.”

“I just wonder how I would settle in a place like that. What happened to me has had its effect. I have told you a little about Minster St.

Clare, but not all. It was a strange experience. I lost my husband. I lost my child. That sort of thing cannot be shrugged aside. And then … Scutari. Could I settle into the cosy country life? Eliza, seeing it today, I don’t think I could. And hurting Charles is something I can’t bear to think of. So meeting that girl today, seeing them together … You understand what I mean?”

“Yes,” said Eliza.

“It would be a solution. It would put your mind at rest, wouldn’t it?”

I nodded.

I closed my eyes and listened to the rhythm of the train.

Two days later two letters arrived. One was from Henrietta. I recognized her handwriting at once and tore it open.

My dear Anna [she wrote], I expect you have been wondering about me. It really was rather an awful thing to do, wasn’t it? I mean . to decide not to go right at the last minute. I should have told you before. But I was in such a state of uncertainty. First I was going to and then I wasn’t. You know me.

The fact is I am now a married woman. Philippe and I are married. He had been asking me for some time and I was a bit cautious . strange for me . but I had that experience with Carlton, you remember. Look how I got myself into that and how hard it was to extricate myself. I didn’t want to make another faux pas. So I hesitated and then said Yes and then No. And then the time came for departure and I thought: If I go now I won’t see him again. You don’t sometimes when long distances separate you. So I just had to stay and wrestle with myself.

Dr. Adair was very kind. He advised me about a good many things. He knows the language and the customs and all that. What a man! I still think he is the most fascinating creature I ever saw. I don’t tell Philippe this but I think he knows it. He has the most enormous admiration for Dr. Adair, as a lot have. He is just someone apart. If you know what I mean.

Well, the fact is, I finally decided I could not leave Philippe and so we were married. We’re in Constantinople now until Philippe clears up his job here. It is all very important and secret, working for the French authorities and all that, and he’ll have to be here for a while. Peace treaties and such like. Philippe is really quite an important man. Then we shall live in Paris. Won’t that be fun? You will come and stay with us. We’ll have a lovely time.

Have you see Dr. Fenwick yet? I hope all goes well in that direction.

Anna, my dearest friend, do forgive me for being such a beastly little deserter, but it had to be, and I’m very happy now. I know it was right for me to marry Philippe. As soon as we leave here I shall let you know. Perhaps we shall come to England for a visit, and you will, of course, come to Paris.

I do miss having you to talk to and tell things to.

I may be pregnant. It’s too soon to say yet. Won’t that be glorious?

You shall be the first one to know.

My love to you, my dear, dear friend.

Henrietta.

I smiled. How typical other! She must be happy. I felt as though a great burden had dropped from me. She was not with Damien Adair; she was with Philippe. She had never gone away with him. It was all so understandable, so natural. He had seen her on the caique and had crossed with her. Philippe must have been waiting for her on the other side.

And he had been helpful. He knew the language and the customs . I should never have listened to Eliza. What grief we bring ourselves by listening to the ignorant, however well-meaning.

I felt a great sense of relief and a deep pleasure.

In the excitement of hearing from Henrietta I had forgotten the other letter. It was from Germany. I opened it and read it.

g me in her rather stilted English if I would consider coming to Kaiserwald for a brief visit. She knew of my stay in Scutari and she remembered well the excellent work I had done in Kaiserwald. She begged me to come and bring my friend Miss Marlington with me. I could be sure of a warm welcome. Of all the nurses who had spent short spells at her hospital, she had the greatest respect for me.

I read it through and through again.

I felt I needed something to lift me out of this emptiness, this feeling of living in limbo, this quiet uneventful way of life which had followed on those horrifying days at Scutari.

I knew that I should go to Kaiserwald.

I talked to Eliza about it but first I told her about Henrietta.

“You see,” I said, ‘it was Philippe after all. How wrong we were about Dr. Adair. “

“Well, she’s married this Philippe now.”

“You still think …”

“That she went to him first… Yes, I do. I think she went to him, and then got frightened and that Philippe came along and she took him as a way out.”

“Oh, Eliza, no! She would have told me.”

“Told you? When she knew the way you was about him?”

“What do you mean … how I was?”

“Well, it’s as plain as a pikestaff… to me.”

“You sometimes read something that’s not there, Eliza.”

“Not me. You wasn’t exactly indifferent to him, was you?”

“Nobody could be indifferent to him. Look at you. You’re not.”

“Oh, I see right through him, I do.”

“Don’t you think, Eliza, that sometimes you see something that isn’t there? You’ve taken a violent dislike to him.”

“I hate all men who do what he does to women, that’s what, I’ve seen too much of it. ^ome of them think we’re just there for their convenience. He’s one of them. I hate the lot of ‘em.”

“Well, let me tell you my piece of news. I’ve had an invitation to go to Germany.”

She was startled and I told her of the letter from the Head Deaconess.

“Well,” she said, ‘she must have thought something of you. Will you go? “

“It’s rather a pressing invitation.”

“You want to go, don’t you?”

“I’m getting restive here. Nothing happens. I thought we should go into nursing, but everything is so slow.”

“I feel the same.”

“Oh, Eliza, you’ve no idea how beautiful it is in the forest. There’s a strangeness about it. You can feel that the trolls and the giants and the people from the fairy stories are not far off. I’ve never known a place like it. Would you like to come with me?”

“I’m not asked.”

“The Head Deaconess doesn’t know you’re with me, that’s why. Henrietta went with me before. I don’t see why you shouldn’t come. You’re a nurse. You’d make yourself useful. It’s very hard work. She would be expecting Henrietta and you would come instead.”

“I’m used to the hard work.”

“It’s not as hard as Scutari, of course.”

“Do you think I could come?”

“Why not? Henrietta is invited. Why shouldn’t you come in her place.

Oh, Eliza, I am going to take you to Germany with me. “

Within a few days Eliza and I were on our way. I had had some difficulty in persuading her that she would be welcome there.

“After all,” I said, ‘the Head Deaconess is expecting me to take Henrietta and she would not want me to travel all that way alone.

Strictly between ourselves, you are a better nurse than Henrietta and that will interest them at Kaiserwald. “

In spite of her apprehension she was excited by the project.

The carriage was waiting for us when we reached the little station and I was immediately aware of the redolent smell of the pines as the mystic aura of the forest closed round me. I glanced at Eliza and saw that she was entranced and that the forest was beginning to cast its spell on her, too.

And there was Kaiserwald itself, and as the turrets and towers rose up before me memories came flooding back: Gerda the goose girl Klaus the pedlar; Frau Leiben. Poor Gerda, how ill she had been. But she had recovered and no doubt she was wiser now. All that had happened before I had met Damien Adair and my suspicions had rested on him.

How foolish that seemed now! But was it?

I must forget my Demon Doctor. I could not really be at peace until he was right out of my mind. But that was easier said than done. I must be sensible. The chances were that I should never see him again.

We were met by the same Deaconess who had greeted us when I had arrived with Henrietta the one who spoke a little English. She looked at Eliza with faint surprise and I told her that Miss Marlington was now married and that Eliza had come in her place. She nodded, and said that the Head Deaconess was awaiting my arrival and that I was requested to go to her as soon as I came.

We were taken at once to her room and she came to greet me with arms outstretched.

“Miss Pleydell, how delighted I am that you have come. It was good of you to give me such a quick response.”

“I was indeed honoured to be asked,” I replied.

“Miss Marlington is now married and not in England. This is Miss Eliza Flynn, who was nursing with me in the Crimea. I trust you do not mind.”

“Mind? I am delighted. Welcome, Miss Flynn. It is a pleasure to meet anyone who did such good work. We shall have much to talk of.”

She bade us sit down and went on: “You will have had so many experiences. There is going to be a change in hospitals and the care of the sick throughout the world. It seems that attention is at last being given to this important work … thanks to Miss Nightingale.”

“I believe that to be so,” I said.

“There are training schemes afoot.”

“And what are you doing now?”

“We are waiting, Eliza and I, to see what there will be for us.”

The Head Deaconess smiled from me to Eliza.

“You have worked together,” she said.

“Oh yes, and we hope to continue to do so. Eliza Miss Flynn is dedicated to nursing.”

“Yes,” said Eliza.

“I know it is what I want to do.”

“That is the spirit we need. And the nurse who came with you on your last visit, Miss Pleydell, is now married?”

“She is in Constantinople. She married a Frenchman connected with the French Legation out there.”

“Ah yes … our allies. A very pleasant personality but I do not think a dedicated nurse. It’s a hard profession, as you have had reason to know.”

“It is and all,” Eliza agreed.

“And we have to be devoted enough to accept hardships. I have arranged for you to have a room to yourselves. I dare say you would like to go to it now. We will talk more later.”

“Thank you,” I said; and the Deaconess who had received us when we arrived was summoned and showed us to the room.

It was very small resembling a cell. There were two beds in it, a chair and a cupboard and a small table. The walls were bare except for a crucifix.

“What a woman,” Eliza said, ‘and she runs this place! “

I nodded.

“Eliza, you don’t understand how honoured we are. A room to ourselves! Henrietta and I slept in a sort of dormitory, divided into cubicles. This is luxury.”

“It’s lovely,” said Eliza.

“Fancy running a place like this! I want to see the wards. I want to see how it’s done. And with that forest all round you and the trees and all that…”

“I’m glad you like it, Eliza. I’m glad you’ve come. She might have something to offer us. If she did … oh, but it’s early days yet.

Let’s wait and see. “

Later we talked again with the Head Deaconess. She questioned us at length about the methods used at Scutari. We told her of the horrendous lack of equipment, the diseases with which we had had to cope, and which had proved to be more disastrous than the wounds received in battle. She admitted that she was very concerned with sanitation and she believed that if it were not adequate it could be the major cause of death.

It was very interesting to talk to her and I was immensely flattered by the manner in which she took me into her confidence. I was also grateful for her acceptance of Eliza, for she included her in the talk, and listened attentively when she expressed an opinion.

I had rarely seen Eliza so greatly pleased; she was obviously enjoying the visit.

That night I lay in my bed, with Eliza in the other one and I was so glad she was with me. I was so fond other, and I did want life to be happy for her. She was such a good woman in spite of her attempts to prove otherwise.

Dear Eliza, I really was as capable of taking care of myself as she was of herself. Yet was I? I had, in spite of myself, become involved with someone who could never bring me happiness. I lay there thinking of my previous visit here. That was in the days before I had met Dr. Adair. It was strange how my life seemed divided into sections; the time before I had been aware of his existence, followed by those years when he had been a shadowy figure of menace; and then the actual confrontation.

At length I slept and dreamed of him. I was in the forest and Gerda the goose girl was there. It was all muddled and I was glad to awake from it.

Eliza was in high spirits.

“What lovely air!” she cried.

“Oh, I love the smell of them trees.

It’s peaceful here. I’m glad I came. It’ll be good to work here for a bit. “

I smiled at her. It was so wonderful to see her happy.

How well I remembered the long wooden table at which we sat down to oatmeal and rye bread, and the drink of ground rye. The Deaconesses remembered me and showed their pleasure in seeing me again. They were welcoming to Eliza. So much had happened since I had been here; but in some ways it felt as though I had never left.

After breakfast we were taken round the wards. After that we went to the Head Deaconess’s sanctum for more talks.

I was delighted that Eliza was able to contribute in a way which showed her ability. She said she would like to work in the wards while she was here, for she had seen that there was room for more nursing.

So it was agreed that we should start on the next day.

“Take a little rest this afternoon,” said the Head Deaconess.

“You’ve had a long journey and you need to recover from it. I know how you used to like to walk in the forest, Miss Pleydell.”

So in the afternoon I took Eliza for a walk, just as Henrietta and I used to when she was here.

Eliza loved the place. She said: “I’ve never seen anything like this.

What’s them bells you hear in the distance every now and then? “

I explained that the bells were worn by the cows who could easily get lost in the forest.

“The bells, of course, indicate where they are.”

She was enchanted.

We passed the cottage where Gerda’s grandmother had lived. There was no sign of anyone there. When we came to a clearing I suggested we sit down for a while.

Eliza said: “I’d like to work here. There’s a peace about it. You see I dunno how to say it … it’s as though some things don’t matter at all. Everyone is important and yet not important, if you know what I mean.”

“I think I do, Eliza.”

“When you get married …”

“Oh, but I’m not sure.”

“You’re going to marry Dr. Fenwick if you’ve got any sense.”

“Perhaps I haven’t.”

“Yes, you have. Your head’s screwed on the right way. It’s just you’re dazzled, that’s all. And you can’t see straight for a bit. You’re going to marry him because he’s right for you … and you’re going to be all right. But what about me?”

“Eliza, you’ll always be my friend and welcome wherever I am.”

“I know that. It’s not easy for me to say this. I think the world of you. You’re a fine woman, Anna. You’re one of the best. I’m never going to forget what you done for Ethel … and for me, too.”

“You exaggerate. It was Dr. Adair who saved Tom for Ethel.”

“Him! Oh, showing off, that’s all. It was you what done it.”

“That’s ridiculous, Eliza.”

“I’m getting silly in my old age. I was just saying that I want you to get what you deserve. I reckon you’ll have a lot of kids and you’ll be happy ever after, for that Dr. Fenwick’s a good man and good men don’t grow on trees. From what I know of them they’re as rare as snow in July.”

“You’re an old cynic, Eliza. Don’t let’s talk about me. What would you like to happen to you? If you could have a wish, what would it be?”

“I’d like to be that Head Deaconess in a place like this with a hospital all my own. I’d do it my way. I’d have the best little hospital in the world. Funny … when we got to Scutari I wanted to come straight back. I wondered what I’d let myself in for. And then . after seeing what we did … I was just glad I was there. I knew I wanted to nurse the sick. There’s nothing I want to do more than that.”

“I know how you feel.”

We sat on the grass, our backs against a tree and she told me of her dreams. She had loved this place immediately. She wanted to have a hospital of her own where she could make the rules, where she could dedicate herself to the sick.

We talked for a long time and Eliza had never been so self-revealing.

I loved her very much and I prayed that one day her dreams might be realized, for hers was a noble ambition.

Someone was tapping at the door. It was one of the younger Deaconesses. The Head Deaconess was asking me to go at once to her sanctum.

We had just returned from our walk and Eliza still looked bemused, still in the dream of being in charge of a hospital like I said: “I’d better go at once.”

I knocked at the door of the sanctum.

“Come in,” called the Head Deaconess and I entered.

A man was standing with his back to the window.

“Oh, there you are,” said the Head Deaconess.

“I am so glad you have come in. You two know each other well, I believe.”

I stared at him disbelievingly. He had been so consistently in my thoughts that for a moment I thought I had conjured up this image of him. I heard myself stammering: “Dr. Adair …”

“The same,” he said.

“How pleasant to find you here.”

He had come forward to take my hand.

“I have heard some account of Scutari from Miss Pleydell,” said the Head Deaconess.

“I feel honoured to have you both here … and Miss Flynn, too. You have shared a terrible but wonderful experience.”

“We only did what was expected of us. Isn’t that so. Miss Pleydell?”

“Yes, of course. We just worked hard and did the best we could.”

“It must have been very different from Kaiserwald,” said the Head Deaconess.

“Completely different,” he said.

“Do sit down … both of you. Did you enjoy your walk in the forest.

Miss Pleydell? Miss Pleydell is enamoured of our forest, Dr. Adair.”

“I can understand that. It’s an enchanting place. Romantic, eh. Miss Pleydell?”

“Yes, I find it so.”

He brought a chair and held it while I sat down. I looked over my shoulder and thanked him. He was smiling slightly sardonically and I could not interpret the meaning of that smile.

“Pray be seated yourself, Dr. Adair. Miss Pleydell, Dr. Adair has been discussing some project with me and he thinks you may well be involved in it… for I told him you were here.”

I turned to look at him. I thought I detected a mischievous look in his eyes.

“Yes, Miss Pleydell. I was delighted when I heard that you had arrived in Kaiserwald. This project concerns Rosenwald … a place not unlike Kaiserwald not so large, nor so well ordered.” He smiled gallantly at the Head Deaconess, who bowed her head well pleased and murmured:

“We were not always as we are now, Dr. Adair. It takes time to develop a place.”

“But you do agree that in time … with the right Head … Rosenwald could become a Kaiserwald?”

“I certainly believe it could with the right persons working together . dedicated people who are ready to make sacrifices.”

“We all have the highest respect for your abilities. Miss Pleydell.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“The fact is, I am going out to inspect the place. The Head Deaconess cannot of course make the journey with me. We have discussed the matter together and have come to the conclusion that as you are here so fortuitously’ he gave me that smile again ‘well, my idea is that you should visit Rosenwald with me and give me your opinion of its possibilities.”

“With some object in view?”

“I don’t know what your plans are.”

“You mean that I might work at this place?”

“I want your opinion of it. You have proved yourself to be a good nurse. You may discover a great enthusiasm to build up this place ..”

“That would mean giving up my home … everything …”

“You are looking too far ahead. Come with me tomorrow. We shall inspect the place together and you will tell me what you think of its possibilities. I am leaving for Rosenwald tomorrow morning early … on horseback. You do ride, don’t you. Miss Pleydell?”

“Yes, I ride. But I have no habit with me.”

“Could we fit her out?” he asked.

The Head Deaconess thought it might be possible. No one in the hospital rode, of course, but there was Fraulein Kleber who was a great horsewoman and would be ready to lend what was needed.

“If that could be arranged today we could leave tomorrow morning. It will take us the whole morning to get there. But we could be back before nightfall. If there were any difficulties we could stay at Rosenwald.”

The Head Deaconess was looking rather concerned. I imagined she thought we should have a chaperon. I thought she was going to suggest that one of the Deaconesses should accompany us but I dismissed that thought as I knew none of them could ride.

I said: “Eliza Flynn is here with me, Dr. Adair. You may remember her.”

He frowned in concentration.

“She was rather big … a very efficient nurse.”

“Ah yes,” he said.

“Big Eliza. I don’t think she should be a member of the party. But does she ride well?”

“I’m almost certain that she does not.”

“I have planned that you and I should go alone, Miss Pleydell. We don’t want a crowd. It is just to look over, to assess possibilities and so on …”

I could not help it, but my spirits were rising. I was going to spend a whole day in his company. I did not think for one moment that I should want to work at Rosenwald. All I cared about was that he had come back and that I was going to be with him alone . for a whole day.

I really did not think beyond that.

Eliza was dumbfounded.

“That man … here!”

“Don’t be surprised. It’s only natural that he should be here. He’s a famous doctor. He’s interested in places like this. Germany has been the centre of some of Europe’s best hospitals and it is only natural that now all this reform is going to take place, people should come here.”

“I believe he’s arranged all this. He got you here …”

“Oh, Eliza, don’t be absurd! Why should he?”

“Because he’s interested in you. He’s finished with Henrietta and now it’s your turn.”

“I tell you it’s a hospital we’re going to see. There’s nothing romantic or mysterious about that.”

“Just you and him … alone! I’ll come with you.”

“We have to go on horseback and you can’t ride. Oh Eliza, it’s nothing”

“Well, you’re looking pretty pleased about it.”

“I’m interested in this place … Rosenwald. Perhaps we could both go there for a while.”

She brightened a little at the prospect and I said hastily: “I have to go and see Fraulein Kleber, who lives nearby. The H.D. says she will lend me a riding habit. She has several and she is about my size.”

“Do you mean the H.D. is going to allow this? You going off with him alone?”

“You are making a lot out of nothing. Come on. I’m going to Fraulein Kleber. Do come with me.”

Almost reluctantly, she came.

Fraulein Kleber lived in a very pleasant house not far from Frau Leiben’s cottage.

We found it easily, and as we approached the house we heard the sound of a shot. We were startled and looked at each other in dismay, and as we did so another shot rang out and another and another.

“Something’s happening,” said Eliza.

We hurried to the house. There was no sign of anyone. As we walked through a beautifully kept garden to some stables, we heard another shot. The sound was coming from the other side of the stables.

Then we saw what it was. A target had been set up against a tree and a woman was firing at it. She heard our approach and turned to us.

“Oh, forgive me,” she cried, “I’m getting a little practice for the Schutzenfest. It’s less than a month away and I’m a little rusty.”

She was middle-aged and greying, slim and tall and about my size.

I said: “Have we come at an inconvenient time?”

“Oh no, no. You’re from Kaiserwald, aren’t you? I knew you were coming and of course I’m delighted to fit you up.”

I introduced Eliza, but as she had no German she could not join in the conversation.

“It is kind of you,” I said.

“I haven’t brought a habit with me. I did not think there would be an opportunity to ride.”

She nodded.

“I had forgotten when you were actually coming. I’ve been so caught up with the Schiitzenfest. We have it every year. I always join in these things and I’ve been caught up with this. I look forward to the Vogelschlessen that’s the popinjay shooting. I always hope I shall be SchiitzenKonig. That’s the best shot selected every year. Of course, there has never been a woman who has achieved that yet.”

“I wish you luck,” I said.

“Come into the house.” But first excuse me while I put my rifle away.”

We had come to a barn which had been converted into a sort of gun-room.

“My father was a great shot. He was Konig almost every year. These are his guns. I inherited them. But not quite his skill, alas.”

She put the rifle in a case and turned to us. She studied me closely.

“Well, we are about the same size so that should offer no difficulties.”

We went into the house and up to her bedroom. She had four riding habits, all of which would fit me. She asked me to take which I liked and I chose a pale grey skirt and jacket with a grey hat.

I tried them on.

“Might have been made for you,” she said.

“Got a good mount?”

“That is being provided for me.”

“From Herr Brandt’s stables, I expect. He’ll see you’re all right. He has some very fine horses.”

“I am very grateful to you, Fraulein Kleber.”

“I’m always happy to do anything for Kaiserwald. Everyone round here is. We’re proud of it . and it has been of great benefit to us all. So . I’m delighted to fit you up. “

“Very interesting woman,” I said as we walked away.

“A pity you couldn’t understand her.”

“I did catch a word or two,” said Eliza.

“I think I’d pick up the language quickly if I was here long.”

“I’m sure you would.”

“That get-up suits you.” She looked at me closely.

“You look … different.”

I did not comment further.

I lived the rest of that day in a kind of daze. It was like a dream. I had come to Kaiserwald and he was there. It was like a miracle. I had been thinking of him so constantly that it was as though the intensity of my thoughts had conjured him up. And I was to spend a day with him alone. Eliza, I knew, was very disapproving. I did not want to discuss the matter with her. When we went to bed that night I pretended to fall asleep immediately. I was sure she was fully awake.

I was up early next morning. I donned Fraulein Kleber’s riding habit.

I knew it suited me, for I had always looked well in riding’ clothes I felt exhilarated.

Dr. Adair had provided the horses, I learned, from Herr Brandt’s stables. He had a fine black one; mine was a chestnut mare. He rode magnificently, as I had expected he would. Seated on a horse, he looked like some figure from Greek mythology. I hoped my mood of exhilaration was not too obvious.

As we rode away from Kaiserwald, I glanced back. I saw a movement at a window. So Eliza was there. I could imagine the expression on her face. She was so very much against this enterprise; and she was a person who, when she had once made up her mind, adhered to it. It would take a great deal to change her opinions of Dr. Adair. She insisted that he had taken Henrietta and melodramatically cast her off to Philippe Lablanche and nothing was going to change her. But what she feared most was what he would do to me.

“How do you like your mount?” he asked.

“She seems … amenable.”

“Good. Horses can be temperamental and it will be a long day. I hope you are as proficient on a horse as you are in a ward.”

“I rode in India and in the country. I am no expert, of course, but I think I can manage a horse reasonably well.”

“Well, I shall be with you to take care of you.”

“That,” I said, ‘is a comforting thought. How long did you stay in Scutari? “

“No longer than was necessary. There was a certain amount to be cleared up. I came to England as soon as possible.”

“Did you see any more of Henrietta?”

“Oh yes. I saw her with Lablanche. They seemed to be very content with each other.”

“In her letter Henrietta mentioned that you were very helpful.”

“I did what I could. The rest was up to them.”

“I hope it works out well.”

“That, again, is up to them.”

“These matters do not always … even though people expect them to in the beginning.”

“All we can do about that is wish them well.”

“How strange that you should be in Kaiserwald at the same time as I am.”

“It is not so strange, really.”

“Don’t you think so?”

“I arranged it. In other words I asked the Head Deaconess to invite you to come. And when I knew you had arrived I came, too.”

“But … why?”

“I have a project.”

“You mean this Rosenwald? Are you suggesting that I might take up this post … whatever it is?”

“I thought it might be a good idea to take you out to see the place.”

“So you planned all this?”

“I admit it. So you see it is not so fortuitous as you at first thought.”

“It is kind of you to plan my future.”

“You are a good nurse, and your talents should not be wasted. You know the plight of hospitals all over the world. You are a disciple of Miss Nightingale and you know what she is proposing to do.”

“Yes,” I said.

I felt deflated. When he had said that he arranged this meeting, for a moment I had thought he had wanted to see me.

“I shall be very interested to see this place,” I said coolly.

“I knew you would be. I can assure you I am looking forward to the outcome.”

We rode in silence for some time, then he asked me what my plans were.

I told him that I was really waiting to see what happened. I knew there were going to be reforms in hospitals but I was not sure where I should fit in.

“And Big Eliza?”

“We plan to be together.”

“You have become good friends, it seems.”

“She is a very good and reliable person.”

He was silent.

I said at length: “What of you? What are your plans? Are you going off to some wild country to live as a native and discover secrets of the East?”

“Like you, I am waiting on events.”

“So you have nothing planned?”

“I have much planned, but there are circumstances to be considered. I sometimes feel it is tempting fate to make too many plans in advance.”

“You mean that Man proposes and God disposes.”

“God or someone.”

We were riding through a village street and I had to fall in behind him. I noticed that people glanced at him as he rode by and I was not surprised. So distinguished did he appear.

When we were in the country again he talked a little about Rosenwald.

The nurses would not be Deaconesses and this would not be a religious institution, merely a hospital. It was in its infancy at the moment. There were few patients, not more than thirty, he believed. The nurses were country girls from the surrounding districts simple girls with no real training.

“You seem to have a very special interest in it.”

“My interest is in finding the right person to run it. The Head Deaconess is a very capable woman. Kaiserwald would not be what it is without her.”

“I agree.”

“Ah … we are not far off now. It wasn’t too long in the saddle for you, I hope.”

“No. It has been easy going.”

“And the little mare has behaved impeccably. Look. You can see the towers from here. Pleasant setting, isn’t it?”

I looked ahead. It was a small schloss in the heart of the forest, not unlike Kaiserwald.

We rode into a courtyard. A man came out to take our horses and Dr. Adair gave orders that they should be fed and watered.

We were received by one who, I supposed, was the head of the nurses.

She was clearly overawed by Dr. Adair.

“I dare say you need some refreshment,” she said.

“It is quite a distance from Kaiserwald.”

He said we should like something and could we take it together out of doors. We had certain things to discuss.

We sat at a table in front of the schloss, looking down on a valley.

The mountains in the distance made a fine background and the forest was beautiful.

I felt happier than I had for a long time. Why? I wondered. Because he was going to offer me a post. I could come here and bring Eliza with me. Perhaps occasionally he would call, if he could find the time between his visits to exotic places; and if he thought of me at all, he would think: Oh yes, Anna Pleydell, the woman I put in to Rosenwald.

“This is pleasant,” he said.

“Do you agree?”

“Yes, it is very pleasant.”

“A good place to work?”

“It’s very beautiful.”

“Life would go on much the same every day. Patients coming and going.

How does that appeal to you? “

“I don’t know that I want peace … and nothing more.”

He laughed.

“No. I did not expect that. But it is a pleasant place … for the right person. One would have to be dedicated to the job. This could be a little kingdom with the one in control as the powerful head . ruling this little world, but of course having very little connection with what is beyond. This beer is good, isn’t it? And Sauerbraten and the inevitable sauerkraut. Well, we are after all in Germany … and the forest is a wonderful setting, don’t you agree?”

I said I did.

“When we have finished we will make our tour of inspection, for we must not be too late in leaving.”

But he did not seem in any hurry and we sat for some time over the beer and meat. It was so peaceful, the weather so fine. There was a faint mist in the air which gave a blue tinge to the mountains. I felt very happy just to sit there, now and then looking up to find his eyes on me. There was an air of unreality about the scene and I could almost convince myself that I had dreamed the whole thing.

Later we went through the ward together. There were, as he had said, about thirty patients. He looked at them all and asked the nurses a good many questions, not only about their. patients but their duties.

We inspected the kitchens and the sleeping quarters. They were very similar to those at Kaiserwald. The long dormitory was divided into cubicles; it was all very neat and clean.

It was about four o’clock when he suggested that we leave. I was surprised that he had allowed it to be so late. I very much doubted that we could get back before dark; but he probably knew that; he did not seem to be perturbed.

We said goodbye to the nurses and left.

“That is over,” he said, ‘a very necessary part of the proceedings.”

“The whole purpose of the expedition,” I reminded him.

He smiled at me and I noticed his manner had changed.

He said nothing for a mile or so and then he brought his horse close to mine.

“I am afraid we have left it rather late for getting back to Kaiserwald.”

“Why did we not leave earlier?”

“Having come so far, we had to see everything. We could, of course, go to an inn.”

“I did not notice a great many on the journey here.”

“Nevertheless, there are a few. On the other hand, a friend of mine has a hunting lodge not far from here. I think it would be an excellent idea if we threw ourselves on his hospitality for the night.”

“The Head Deaconess is expecting us back.”

“She will think we have stayed the night at Rosenwald. I did suggest that was a possibility.”

We rode on for about fifteen minutes. The sun was low in the sky; it would soon disappear altogether.

We were deep in the forest now.

“Very soon we shall come to the lodge,” he said.

“It’s a delightful place.”

“Your friend will be surprised. He might have guests.”

“I have an open invitation to use the place whenever I wish to. He doesn’t actually live there. It is, after all, merely a hunting lodge.”

“It might well be shut up.”

“There are always servants in residence.”

We had come to a clearing and before us was the lodge. It was bigger than I imagined a miniature schloss with a tower and turrets. Close to it was a cottage and to this he led me. As we approached a man appeared at the door. When he saw us he gave’ an exclamation of pleasure and recognition.

“Herr Doktor!” he cried.

“We’ve come for a night’s lodging, Hans,” said Dr. Adair.

“I suppose the Herr Graf is not here.”

“No, Herr Doktor. I will open up the lodge.”

“Do, please, Hans. We have come a long way. We are tired and hungry.”

I said: “Surely we should go to an inn. Your friend is not here ..”

“No … no. It is an arrangement we have. If the Graf thought we had come here and gone away he would be most put out. Moreover, he might come. If he is out hunting he might well stay the night here. The fires will be laid, the beds ready for airing and there is always food. “

“It seems extraordinary …”

“It’s the general practice in fact.” He smiled at me.

“I believe you are having misgivings.”

“Everything seems to have changed suddenly.”

“How? Tell me.”

“When we set out to see the hospital and while we were there inspecting it, everything seemed normal … reasonable.”

“And now you find it unreasonable?”

A young man had come out of the cottage to take our horses.

“Good evening, Franz,” said Dr. Adair.

“Is Frieda well?”

“Yes, Herr Doktor.”

“And the little one?”

“Very well.”

“We are staying the night. Your father is opening up for us. Has your mother something for our dinner?”

“But yes. As you know we are always prepared.”

“Good.”

“The Herr Graf was here a month ago.”

“So I heard. It is so good of him and you all to make us so welcome.”

“The Herr Graf would be angry if you did not make use of the lodge when you are hereabouts.”

“So I have been telling my companion.”

I said: “This is a most interesting place.”

“And comfortable, thanks to the good family Schwartz,” said Dr. Adair.

“Let me take you in. I’ll guess the fires are already lighted.”

He took my arm and drew me towards the hunting lodge.

“There,” he said.

“Are you satisfied? We are not gate crashing. And I am not playing some trick. This is indeed the hunting lodge of Graf von Spiegal, and it is a fact that he is a friend of mine and would take it as an insult if we were here and in need of lodging and went to an inn.”

“You are fortunate to have such friends.”

“You are right. I am.”

We went into a large hall. The fire was already alight and beginning to burn up.

“The bedrooms are ready. All they need is the application of the warming pans.”

“Is that what you call German efficiency?”

“It is certainly efficiency, and as we are now in Germany you may be right.”

A woman came into the hall; she was middle-aged, and rather plump, with rosy cheeks and a mass of flaxen hair.

“Ah, here is Else,” said Dr. Adair.

“Else, this is Miss Pleydell. You have come to look after us, I know.”

“We have hot soup and cold venison. Will that do, Herr Doktor?”

“It sounds just what we need.”

“And the rooms? The Oak and the …?” She hesitated and looked from him to me. I felt myself flush at the implication. Was she to prepare one room or two?

He was aware of my embarrassment and seemed amused.

He said: “The Oak Room … and the one next to it, please, Else. I think that would do very nicely. It is very good to be here. What an excellent idea of mine to remember this hunting lodge was so near.

This is much more comfortable than some wayside inn. ” He went on: ” Sit down. The food will be some little time, I dare say. “

“Half an hour, Herr Doktor,” said Else.

“Excellent. Perhaps in the meantime we could wash off the stains of the journey. Might we have some hot water?”

“I will get Frieda to bring it.”

“And Frieda is well?”

Else put her hands on her hips and looked sly.

“Expecting another,” said Dr. Adair.

“How old is young Fritz? Not more than two, I know.”

“Frieda is pleased.”

“And all goes well?”

“All is well, Herr Doktor.”

“Come and sit by the fire,” he said to me.

“You seem to know them very well.”

“I do. I have stayed here several times. The Graf is a most hospitable man.”

He was watching me closely.

“I fancy,” he said, ‘that you are a little uneasy. Let me guess. You are thinking that you are going to be alone with a man whose reputation you consider shady. Is that it? “

I said quickly: “Should I be thinking that?”

“Perhaps.”

“You are not the same as you were when we set out,” I said.

“You were cool … aloof almost.”

“And now I am warmer and a little intimate. Is that it?”

“Tell me why you have brought me here.”

“To give you a night’s shelter. It would not have been comfortable sleeping in the forest; and some of the inns hereabouts can be rather indifferent.”

“Did you know that we were coming here … I mean, when we set out?”

“I thought it a possibility. I had better make the situation clear.

The servants will be in their cottage. We shall have the lodge to ourselves. ” He was watching me closely.

“How do you feel about that?”

“I hardly think it is what the Head Deaconess expected.”

“Well, it is not her concern, is it? It is you and I who have to satisfy ourselves. How do you feel about it? There is no need to ask.

You have a very expressive face. You always had. I remember well seeing the hatred and contempt in your eyes . on occasions. Here are the facts: you and I will be in this place tonight. alone. It is a very romantic spot. A hunting lodge in the heart of the forest. You think I am not to be trusted. I am some monster in whose company no respectable woman should be alone. Perhaps you are right. But let me set your mind at rest. If you wish it, I will tell Hans and the rest of them that we are not staying here after all. We will go on and find an inn, or if that goes beyond the bounds of propriety we will ride through the night back to Kaiserwald. There. The decision is yours.”

“How could we go now? They are preparing everything for us.”

“We could say we had made a change of plans. They are good servants who never question the eccentric behaviour of those in command. “

Frieda appeared with two cans of hot water. He talked to her for a few moments about her children the one she had and the one she was expecting. I thought how charming he could be at times.

Then we went up the staircase.

“The Oak Room is the best room,” he said, ‘so I will leave that to you.”

It was certainly delightful, with the fire now crackling away and the leaping flames throwing shadows round the room. Candles had been lighted. There was a big fourposter bed and in an alcove was a ewer and basin.

I washed in the hot water and tidied my hair.

After a while there was a knock on my door. I called “Come in’ and he came in. He had discarded his jacket, which showed his white silk shirt and full bishop sleeves. It was open at the neck.

“Ah,” he said, ‘you are ready. You must be hungry. I believe the food is waiting for us. We will eat downstairs. They are very unobtrusive.

Quite the best servants to have. “

Downstairs in that hall with its high ceiling and trophies on the walls guns and spears which had presumably been used throughout the ages a table was laid, and on it stood a tureen of soup from which the steam was rising.

There was wine on the table.

Else was standing there. She ladled out the soup and served us. Then she poured out the wine.

“It is the Grafs … from his own vineyards,” said Dr. Adair.

“He would never allow any but the best to be served to his guests. He says his grapes have a special quality.”

Else remarked that everything except the soup was cold. She had brought in the venison and bread; and there was apple pie to follow, and as that was cold she would leave us to our meal.

“Just leave when you have finished,” she said.

“I will clear all I away … later … so as not to disturb.”

“How thoughtful of you. Good night. Else.”

I said goodnight, too.

I was beginning to feel slightly intoxicated by the turn of events. He had planned this. I knew it and I could not help myself but I was elated. I felt alive, as I had not done, I realized now, since I had last seen him. It was no use my pretending. I wanted to be with him. I did not want to be practical, as Eliza wished me to be. I wanted to live every moment and not concern myself with common sense and the future and what was best for me. This was what I wanted and no one could excite me as he did. Life had been dull and serene for too long.

I wanted to live no matter what the consequences were.

He held the chair while I sat down; then he took his place opposite me. He lifted his glass.

“To us … and this night.”

I drank with him.

“Let us try the soup. I am sure it is excellent. Else is a very good cook. I have so much to say to you but first we should eat.”

“I am eager to hear what it is you have to say.”

He looked at me across the table.

“Candlelight is charming, do you not agree? How silent it is. Sometimes during the night one hears the sounds of the forest … the birds, the animals of the night. It can be fascinating.”

I scarcely tasted the soup. I was too excited to pay attention to food. I was asking myself what his intentions were . and in my heart, I knew.

He stood up and took my plate.

“You are playing the servant. What an unusual role for you.”

“This,” he replied, ‘is an unusual night. The venison would come from the forest. I am sure you will enjoy it. “

“Thank you. Do you hunt when you are here?”

“I am not a hunter … of animals. It is not an occupation which appeals to me. You know something of my interests. They do not include hunting.”

“You hunt… for information. You search for knowledge.”

“Well, I am a doctor. I am very interested, as you know, in the methods used around the world. You could say that is my hunting-ground.”

“I know.”

“There is a good deal of prejudice in our profession. I am a man who does not like to run along on the lines laid down for me. It has brought me criticism. not only from the members of my profession.”

“You mean your unorthodox methods have not always been approved of.”

He nodded and filled my glass.

“The Grafwill want to know if we appreciated his wine. He would be displeased if we did not do justice to it.”

“I do not care to drink a great deal.”

“Nor I. It dulls the senses. And that I should not want. Tonight I want to savour every moment.”

“What were you going to say to me?”

“Something which I think you know already. I have made a discovery.”

Oh? What is that? “

He looked at me steadily.

“That my life is very dull without you.”

I stared at him.

“You are not really surprised,” he said.

“You knew.”

I shook my head.

“You have just shown me that hospital, and you have hinted that I might be in charge of it. I thought that the reason for your interest.”

“Certainly that is not my intention.”

“But you have behaved …”

“I was setting the stage. I wanted to bring you here … right into the heart of the forest where we could be alone ,.. quite alone.”

I rose to my feet and he came to stand beside me. He put his arms about me.

“You must know how it is with us.”

Then he held me to him and kissed me . not once but many times. I felt dizzy with excitement. I thought: I don’t care. Even if it is just for tonight, I want to be here. I want to stay with him . If there is no more . I must be with him tonight.

He released me and I heard him laugh quietly. It was a laugh of triumph.

“You see how it is,” he said.

I looked at him helplessly.

“We were meant for each other,” he went on.

“We always knew it. You fought against it. You were determined to hate me. You couldn’t hate me so much … unless you loved me.”

I heard myself say: “I don’t know. I feel bewildered.”

“But in your heart you know. I love the red in your hair. It glows in candlelight, and your eyes are green … very green when you are happy. They are very green now.”

“Please,” I said.

“Shall we sit down?”

“And finish the meal? An excellent idea. There is the apple pie. We must not offend Else.”

I felt calmer. He was seated opposite, his eyes gleaming. They seemed dark and deep. I remembered how he had hypnotized William, and I felt I wanted to lose myself in those dark eyes. A voice within me was telling me to take care. He was a practised seducer. There would have been many occasions like this in his life. No doubt this was the way in which he always treated women with whom he wished to amuse himself for a little while. But I would not listen to that voice again. I had been lonely and sad too long.

I did not want to look beyond this night. I was surprised at myself.

This was the enemy, the man whom I had sworn to destroy, and now here I was, his willing victim.

I think he knew what I was feeling; he knew that he had the power to overcome any resistance I felt I had to make.

He said: “You were very prejudiced against me before you met me. I know why.”

For a moment I was startled. But he went on: “You had read what I had written. I had stepped out of line, hadn’t I? What could a well-brought-up young lady think of a man who had lived as an Arab in a tent, who had for some time become an Arab … an Indian … a Turk”

“You must have had a most exciting time.”

“Life should be exciting, don’t you think?”

“Alas, it is not so for everyone.”

“Then if it is not, people should find out why and make it so.”

“I think you might be, too. You have your secrets. Oh, don’t look alarmed. I shall not attempt to prise them from you. You have made up your mind that life is not to be enjoyed. It is my task my duty to prove you are wrong.”

“And how will you do this?”

“By showing you how good it can be.”

“Do you think that is possible?”

He nodded, smiling at me.

“When I realized how much I wanted you in my life I did something about it.”

“I am not the simple creature you may believe me to be. I am not to be beguiled with protestations and sweet words.”

“Indeed you are not. And it is not words I think of, but deeds.”

He threw aside his napkin and stood up. He held out his hands, taking mine and drawing me up to stand beside him.

“My dear Nightingale,” he said, ‘this is inevitable. “

I tried to speak but my heart was beating so fast that it was impossible. He held me against him and I just stayed there.

“It is early yet,” he said.

“There is a balcony at the window of the Oak Room. Let us go and look out at the forest.”

“And all this’ I indicated the table.

“They will creep in discreetly and remove it when we have retired.

Isn’t this the most romantic of spots? How different from that little room in the General at Scutari do you remember? where some of our little skirmishes took place? “

I said: “I remember.”

He put an arm round me and we went upstairs to the Oak Room, where the burning logs threw a flickering light over the oak walls. He led me to the window and for a few moments we stood on the balcony looking out into the dark forest. The smell of the pines was intoxicating. A dark shape flew past the window and I heard an owl hoot.

“The bats are flying low tonight,” he said, and kissed me.

He went on: “How I have wanted this … for a long time. I am so happy tonight.”

“I am so surprised, so …”

“Happy,” he said.

I was silent and he went on: “Speak the truth. Nightingale. You are not going to turn away from me.”

“I am alone here,” I began.

“But you came of your own free will. Much as I need you, I would not have it otherwise. If you do not wish me to remain with you, you may send me away.”

I put up my hand and touched his face; and he took it and kissed it swiftly.

“I don’t understand myself,” I said.

“I understand, my dearest. You have been lonely, struggling with grief, hating when you should have been loving, refusing to see how good life could be. And tonight, because I am with you here, because we are in the heart of the forest, because there is magic in the air, you will forget all the barriers which you set up for yourself. You are going to stop grieving and live.”

A lassitude had come over me. I did not want to resist. I wanted to open my arms to him. Tomorrow I would face my folly; but tonight it was irresistible. I let him lead me to the fourposter bed and we sat down side by side.

He kissed me and said: “At last. Let us forget everything except that we are here together … that I mean to you what you mean to me, and when that happens to two people, there is only one outcome.”

I turned to him. He kissed my throat and my lips; and as he went on kissing me I felt myself slipping into such bliss as I had not thought possible.

The dawn was just beginning to appear. I had awakened and I lay there thinking of what had happened. I had never known such passion, nor such joy. I thought of Aubrey and those first days of our marriage. He had been a tender lover and our relationship had seemed idyllic then.

Then there had come the awakening in Venice and the slow realization that it was not Aubrey I had cared for; it was being in love, being admired, adored . loving and taking pleasure.

This was not like that. This had been a tremendous adventure with a man to whom I was irrevocably drawn and yet who was a mystery to me.

I was completely fascinated. I could think of nothing but him. What I had felt for Aubrey was quite different. It was like comparing pale moonlight with the rays of the sun.

I felt again that glorious lassitude. I thought: I shall never forget this night. It will stay with me for the rest of my life. If he goes, I shall remember. I might have known there could never be anyone like him.

I had been a fool, perhaps. I had succumbed so willingly hardly succumbed; my eagerness had matched his. I had discovered a new person in myself a sensuous, demanding woman. I had never known that I could be like this. He had awakened me to myself.

My hands were lying limply by my side and suddenly I felt him take one of them.

“Awake, Nightingale?” he asked.

“Yes. It will soon be morning.”

“And then we shall go from here. You have no regrets , .. Susanna?”

“No,” I replied.

“None.” Then I was startled for I realized he had used my real name. He had called me Susanna and I had always been Nightingale or Miss Pleydell to him.

“Why did you call me that?” I asked.

“Why not? It is your name. Susanna St. Clare, a charming name. Anna was never quite you. Susanna, that is different. You are a Susanna.”

“You knew that I …”

“The closely guarded Secret of the Nightingale,” he said.

“It was never a secret to me.”

“Why did you not say?”

“Was it for me to mention something which you’ were so determined to put behind you?”

“When did you discover?”

“Right from the beginning. I saw you in Venice.”

“Oh. I saw you, too. That night … you brought Aubrey home.”

“So you knew who brought him home. The wicked Dr. Damien who, you believed, had encouraged him in his folly.”

“Yes. I was sure of that.”

“I knew it.”

“And you said I was a flighty, frivolous wife and that it was unfortunate that he had married me, that I might have saved him.”

“Well, mightn’t you have saved him?”

“How could I? It was horrible. That cave place …”

“Aubrey was absurd and melodramatic. When he heard about Francis Dashwood at Medmenham, he had to do the same. He was a boy, really.”

“You encouraged him in his drug-taking.”

“That’s not true!” He was vehement in his denial.

“I was interested to see the effect of it. I had to, because I could see there was medicinal value in what was being taken recklessly and purely for sensationalism. I had to find out.”

“So you found out through these people. You let them take their drugs so that you might see the effect.”

“Not at all. I have tested them on myself. They took their own drugs.”

“You could have become an addict, too.”

“Not I. I knew what must be done.”

“You were there … in that cave.”

“Yes. It was an amazing revelation.”

“You were in India when it all started.”

“There was a little group there. I forget the people’s names. A silly woman who found life boring and started this little club. I did spend time with them. I had to learn.”

“Why didn’t you try to save Aubrey?”

“I was concerned about him, and I tried to do precisely that. His brother was a great friend of mine. I thought he might be turned away from the habit, but when he started that cave it was clearly hopeless, and when you left him, even more. He quickly went downhill then.”

I said shakily: “And that night … when my baby died … you were there. You gave him one of your drugs. You experimented on him … and he died.”

“That is not true, either. I told you he was dead when I came to him. I was there, yes. I was in the cave. I was observing the dangerous antics of these people under the influence of the drugs they had taken. It taught me a good deal. We returned to the house. One of the girls was in hysterics about the child. The old nanny was drunk. I went up to find the child was already dead. He died of congestion of the lungs.”

“If you had been called earlier …”

“Who knows, perhaps …”

“If I had not been away …”

“Ah, if you had not been away.”

“You seem to draw certain conclusions. My father was dying. I had to go to him. My child was well when I left him.”

“I am sorry,” he said.

“I know how you have suffered.”

I felt the tears on my cheeks. I was living it all again . that terrible moment when I had gone into the house and found my baby dead.

He took a strand of my hair and wound it round his finger.

He said gently: “All that is past. There is a future ahead of you. You have to forget. Susanna, my love, there is a new life for you. You have to stop grieving. You have to live again.” I did not answer and he went on: “Susanna St. Clare. It is such a pleasant name. There is a symmetry about it. But I think Susanna Adair would be better.”

I was silent as the significance of his words swept over me.

I said haltingly: “Are you suggesting … that I marry you?”

“I know of no other way in which you could acquire my name. What do you think of it? It is pleasant, isn’t it?”

I turned to him and he put his arms about me and held me close.

“You must say you agree with me,” he said, ‘for, as I told you, I find my life dull without you. And one thing I cannot bear is dullness.

Please marry me at once. Nightingale. “

“You are hasty.”

“Never. I have had this in mind for a long time.”

“You didn’t give me any indication.”

“I had to knock down that wall of resistance.”

“You have certainly done that now.”

“Have I … completely? You still see me as something of an ogre, I believe.”

I laughed.

“If I do … I don’t care.”

“That’s what I like. You have taken me with all my sins upon me. And they are legion, I fear. Much of which you accused me is true, you know.”

“I know of the wild nomadic life, the conquests … the wanderings in paths not frequented by English gentlemen.”

“True, but it is due to these wanderings that I am able to recognize the worth of my true love.”

“You turn everything to advantage.”

“That is the way I live, Susanna. I am going to show you how it is done. Will you come with me to those wild far-flung corners of the world?”

“Yes,” I said.

“At a moment’s notice? That is how it is with me.”

“If we marry …” I began.

“When we marry,” he corrected me.

“There could be children.”

“That is a possibility.”

“If ever I had another child, I should never leave that child to the care of nurses. Never. Whatever the temptation.”

“Well?”

“You would want to go off on your wanderings … your wild adventures. What then?”

“If there were a child,” he said, ‘that would make a difference to us both. I have no doubt it would change me as well as you. But sometimes I may leave you, for a refreshing scene. I promise you my absence will be brief. “

“I cannot see you settling down, carrying on a professional life like ” Like a normal doctor. My dear Susanna, I am a man of many parts. When the time is ripe for me to leave my adventuring life I shall settle down with my family. I shall find means of adding to my knowledge of medicine and of life. I think I shall be an ideal father. “

I closed my eyes. I thought: Absolute happiness is early morning in a hunting lodge in the heart of a forest with the man I love beside me.

The forest was beautiful in the early morning.

We had risen with the dawn and were on our way. Everything seemed perfect: the early morning sun glinting through the trees; the awakening of the birds; the gentle breeze ruffling the fir trees; and that unforgettable smell permeating the air.

I had not known there could be such contentment.

He said: “We must leave within the next few days. When we arrive in England we will marry as soon as possible. I see no reason for delay, do you?”

“No,” I said.

He smiled at me. I was in a mood of exaltation. I had never felt thus in the whole of my life. For so long I had carried my grief round with me and had tried to soothe it with thoughts of revenge; but how much sweeter were the thoughts of love.

Life is going to be wonderful, I thought. Nothing will be commonplace with him. I shall follow him in his adventures and if I have a child . life will be wonderfully complete. I shall never forget Julian, of course. Could any mother forget a child she had borne? But I shall see Julian in my child and this child would be Damien’s. I should be contented for evermore. I thanked God for bringing me out of my wretchedness to this perfect happiness; and I fell to thinking that the present could not be so wonderful if I had not suffered in the past.

In this mood I came to Kaiserwald.

We were greeted by the Head Deaconess. I could see she had some misgivings because of our night’s absence.

“We were so enthralled by Rosenwald,” Damien told her, ‘that we delayed leaving. After all, there was no point in our going if we were not going to see it all. However, we stayed the night at Graf von Spiegal’s hunting lodge. “

She looked relieved.

“And how is the Herr Graf?”

“Oh, very well.”

That satisfied her. He looked at me mischievously.

It was not so easy with Eliza. I could see she was shaken.

I thought it would be better to tell her immediately. I said:

“I am going to marry Dr. Adair.”

“Oh! That’s a sudden decision.”

I nodded.

“You look different,” she said.

“I feel different.”

That was all. She changed the subject and asked about Rosenwald, but I saw her lips pressed together in disapproval. I talked enthusiastically of the possibilities of the place.

“At the moment they have untrained nurses. It would be a great challenge to someone who wanted to make a Kaiserwald of it.”

“I thought you were going to do that.”

“I thought so at first. I thought he was showing me the place for that purpose.”

“But he had another purpose. You haven’t thought much about this, have you?”

“I … I didn’t have to think, Eliza. I knew. It is like that sometimes.”

“I reckon you’re making a mistake. If you marry him you’ll sup sorry with a long spoon, as they say.”

“I think I’ll sup a lot of joy with an even longer spoon,” I said.

“You’re pretty far gone, ain’t you?”

“Yes, Eliza. I am very far gone.”

“He’s that sort of man. He only has to lift his finger and beckon.

That’s enough. You follow. “

“My dear Eliza, there are many things we cannot know about each other.

This is right for me. This is what I want more than anything. I am happy as I never thought to be. I can put my sadness behind me. He makes me feel alive . “

“For how long?”

“For the rest of our lives, Eliza. I am going to see that that is so.”

She sighed.

“Tell me more about this Rosenwald,” she said.

I would not allow Eliza’s implications of doom to depress me. I gave myself up to happiness. He had told the Head Deaconess that we should be leaving within the next few days, and that we were going to be married.

Her first thoughts were for Rosenwald.

“I had thought that perhaps Miss Pleydell… It would have been a challenge for her.”

“Indeed yes,” he said with a smile, ‘but she is taking up an even greater challenge. “

Eliza came with me when I took the riding habit back to Fraulein Kleber. As soon as we approached the house we heard sounds of shooting. She was still practising. I went round to the back of the barn. Several people were there.

“Oh, here you are, Fraulein Pleydell,” she said.

“And you’ve brought the habit back. Was it comfortable?”

“It was excellent. How can I thank you for being so kind?”

“By wishing me luck in the Schutzenfest.”

“Oh, I do, most heartily.”

“These are people from the neighbourhood. They’ll all be there for the Fest. I am lending them guns.”

“You seem to be the benefactress round here, lending people your possessions.”

“It is foolish in the case of the guns because these people will be my rivals.”

“I am sure you will excel them all.”

“If I don’t it won’t be for want of practice. You’d be surprised at the number of them who come to me, to practise. Well, I have my father’s guns and they might as well be put to some use. Come into the house and have a glass of wine.”

I thanked her and said I would not interrupt the practice; and in any case we had to get back to Kaiserwald. We were leaving in two days’ time.

“Well, I’m glad to have been of use.”

“Thank you so much, and may you hit the target every time.”

“What a friendly woman,” I said as we left; and Eliza agreed.

In my thoughts I had called him Dr. Damien the Demon Doctor. I told him that and he said: “Now I shall be Damien, the perfect husband.”

“We have to wait and see whether you earn that title. Now I shall just call you Damien.”

“I like the way you say it. You make it sound godlike.”

He complained that we could not be alone in the hospital. There was always someone to interrupt.

“That friend of yours, Big Eliza, clings like a leech. She breathes fire on me every time she sees me.”

“You are mixing similes and metaphors. Dragons breathe fire, not leeches.”

“She’s a very capable woman. She can make the transition from leech to dragon at the batting of an eyelid. Let’s go for a walk in the forest.

There we can make plans. Do you realize there is a lot to be settled yet? “

“Yes, I do.”

“We’ll go separately, otherwise we shall have Eliza trailing us. I’ll meet you in the clearing … say ten minutes.”

I agreed.

I shall never forget that afternoon. I had known disaster before but never anything so sudden. I had never before been plunged from the heights of ecstasy to the depths of despair.

I left the hospital, light-hearted, engulfed in happiness. It had never occurred to me that anything could change so quickly.

I came to the clearing. He was already there. He saw me and as he started to hurry towards me, the shot rang out. I heard the loud report. I saw him, standing there for half a second, and then he slowly fell to the ground.

I dashed to him. There was blood everywhere. He was lying on the grass. I stared at him in horror. I heard myself murmur:

“Damien … dead.”

I knelt beside him.

“Damien,” I whispered. His eyes were closed and there was a terrible stillness about him.

I knew that I must take immediate action. I thought the bullet had entered his back. What we needed was a doctor . without delay.

I ran with all the speed I could muster, back to the hospital.

I was thankful for Dr. Kratz and Dr. Bruckner. They acted speedily and efficiently. A stretcher was brought out and Damien was carried to the hospital. It was a blessing that medical help was so near.

They were with him for a long time and I knew that he was seriously hurt.

I prayed; “Oh God, don’t let him die … not now … when we have just found each other. I could not bear that. I will do anything anything but don’t let him die.”

It was the incoherent prayer of a frightened woman flung from the pinnacle of happiness to the very nadir of despair.

I waited for the doctors to emerge. They had a certain respect for me and I knew they would tell me the truth.

“We have extracted the bullet,” they told me.

“He will recover?”

They were silent.

“Tell me. Tell me,” I cried.

“We do not know. It was his spine. It’s early days yet.”

“I shall nurse him,” I said.

“Yes … yes.”

“May I go to him?”

“He is not conscious.”

“Just to sit by him.”

They looked at each other and nodded.

So I went in and sat there. How different he looked! He was so pale; his deepset eyes were closed and his chiselled features looked more prominent. I had always seen him so vital. so much more alive than anyone I had known and now he looked . dead.

The Head Deaconess came in. She laid a hand on my shoulder. She said:

“It is better to leave him. He needs rest, and you need care, my child.” I turned to her with the misery in my eyes and she said: “We must pray that he will recover. He is a very strong man. He would always get his way and he very much wants to live now that you and he have made plans together.”

I let her lead me from the room. She took me to mine and made me lie on my bed.

Eliza came in.

She said to her: “Look after Miss Pleydell. She needs you.”

Eliza nodded.

How long the days seemed! How long the nights! I lay sleepless.

Eliza did not sleep either.

“Perhaps it was all for the best,” she said.

“Eliza,” I said, ‘if he dies I shall never be happy again. I have been so wretched, so immersed in my tragedy, I have brooded on the cruelty of life and I can now see that I magnified my troubles. I’ve grown away from that. He showed me how foolish I was. With him I could have become my true self again. If he does not recover, I have lost that chance. When he asked me to marry him I knew complete happiness. I want to be with him all the time. Do you understand that, Eliza? “

“I think I begin to.”

“He must get well. You and I will nurse him back to health. You will help me, Eliza?”

“Yes,” she said.

“I will help you.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“I thought you would have been happy in that house with Dr. Fenwick,” she said, ‘but I see now that this is the one you want. no matter what he is. “

“I’m glad you see that now, Eliza.”

In the morning I had an interview with the doctors. The news was heartening.

“We think there is a good chance of his recovery.”

I was overwhelmed with joy. Then I saw the glances pass between them.

“What is it?” I asked fearfully.

“We don’t know how it will be with him …if he recovers.”

“I see.”

“Yes, Miss Pleydell. There is only one thing we can do and that is wait and see.”

My concern for him had made me pay little attention to the mystery which occupied everyone’s mind.

Who had fired the shot which had obviously been intended to kill him?

He had been there in the clearing alone, exposed to view. Someone must have taken a shot at him from the shelter of the trees.

There had been a great deal of activity in the neighbourhood recently because of the Schutzenfest which was shortly to be held and the sound of shots could be continually heard. People were shooting everywhere.

Could it have been a stray bullet which had hit Dr. Adair, maybe from some young man or woman who was not accustomed to using a gun?

The bullet was examined. It was common enough and there was little to be learned from it. Who would have wanted to kill Dr. Adair? He was not an inhabitant of the place. He was not even a resident doctor only a visiting one.

Fraulein Kleber’s practice range had not been far off. Could it really have been that someone who had been trying to hit that had missed so widely?

It seemed the most likely explanation.

Enquiries continued but no one came forward with a solution to the mystery. Investigations found nothing suggesting that anyone had tried to murder Dr. Adair.

A week passed a week when my hopes had risen only to be dashed and to rise again. He was still alive. Dr. Kratz said he clung to life with a tenacity which was amazing. He was aware of me and I knew he drew great comfort from my presence. When I was not with him, Eliza took over. I was amazed at the care with which she did this. She was fiercely protective of him; she, who had hated him so intensely, was determined that he should recover.

At first we had feared that he would be paralysed. I tried to visualize what his life would be he, the most active of men, to be confined to his bed. I vowed that I would look after him and dedicate my whole life to him.

But his fierce determination had its effect. Within a week he could move his legs; and within three he was walking with the aid of a stick.

Meanwhile enquiries were proceeding. No one admitted to having fired that shot. But was it possible that someone could have done it without being aware of it?

I took brief walks in the forest Eliza and the Head Deaconess insisted that I should for my health’s sake. I wanted to spend every minute at his bedside; but I did realize the wisdom of what they said.

My walks invariably took me to the clearing; and one day my thoughts turned to Gerda and what had happened to her. She said she had met a devil in the woods; she had been seduced and nearly lost her life when she had taken the potion to get rid of her child.

I remembered talking to her grandmother. I had not seen Frau Leiben since I had returned to Kaiserwald. The door of her cottage had always been shut. I began to wonder then. I had thought Damien might have been that devil in the woods. Was that possible? Just suppose it was?

Just suppose Frau Leiben knew? Suppose she had fired that shot . for revenge?

No. The man I knew would never have taken advantage of a simple girl.

But would he? I was not sure. The miracle was that if I were it would make no difference.

The idea haunted me and each day when I took my walk I went to the clearing.

I thought of Frau Leiben, devoted to the granddaughter who was not like other girls . the simple girl dreaming as she walked with her geese.

How Frau Leiben would have hated the one who had betrayed her granddaughter! I could well imagine her vowing revenge. Had I not sworn revenge on the man I believed had cost my child his life? Yes, I could understand Frau Leiben’s emotions.

The cottage was actually in the clearing. She could have shot him from one of her windows. It would have been easy for her.

One day when I was passing, the door was open. I went over and called:

“Frau Leiben.”

She came to the door. She stared at me for a moment, then recognition dawned.

“Why … if it isn’t Fraulein Pleydell. So you are back with us, then.”

“I have been here for only a short while. I haven’t seen you before.”

“I’ve been away. I’m only just back. I’ve been visiting. There’s been an accident here … while I’ve been away.”

“Yes. Dr. Adair was shot.”

“Who shot him?”

“It’s a mystery.” I looked at her steadily.

“Someone had a gun and .. “

“There’s always shooting going on at this time of year. But we’ve never had accidents before.”

“It seems rather far-fetched to imagine a stray bullet could do that.”

She showed admirable self-control if she were guilty. She said: “I couldn’t believe it when I heard.”

“How long have you been away, Frau Leiben?”

“A month … perhaps a little more. I’m only just back.”

I pictured her returning to the cottage. Did she keep a gun in the house? Most of them did. They shot the pigeons which they ate. There were foxes who raided the fowl houses and it was necessary to shoot them. She could have looked from her window and seen him. I could imagine her in an access of fury taking her gun and shooting him. It could so easily have been done. Then she could have lain low. Who would know when she had come back? She had a perfect alibi.

“It’s a shocking thing,” she was saying.

“And Dr. Adair. I heard that he was recovering.”

“Yes,” I said.

“He is.”

“Did he have any idea who …?”

I shook my head.

“Come in for a moment, will you?”

I entered the cottage. The first thing I noticed was the crib with the baby in it.

“I brought him back with me.” Frau Leiben’s face was creased in tenderness.

“Isn’t he a little angel?”

I went over and looked at the child.

“Whose baby is he?”

“Gerda’s.”

“Gerda! Where is Gerda?”

“She’s travelling round with her husband. They don’t settle long, though. They’ve got a nice little cottage about forty kilometres from here. That’s where I’ve been. They’re not there much. It’s the wandering life for them.”

“So … she married.”

“Oh yes. I never thought it would happen.”

“Her husband.. You might remember him. He’s Klaus, the Pedlar. He was always fond of Gerda and she of him. He was always one to go his own way and always will be. Gerda suits him. She asks no questions. Neither of them is like other people. She seems more sensible with him and he seems softer … more gentle. He looks after her. He’s bright. He’ll do well. He is doing well. Gerda’s happy. She’s with him all the time .. travelling the roads. Gerda’s contented. She has someone to care for her. I did my best. You see, her parents went off. They didn’t want her. That can do something to a child. She couldn’t make any headway with her lessons like the other children did. She was always dreaming.

And then there was that time . Dear me, just to think of it frightens me. There she was to have a child . my little Gerda. “

“Does Klaus know about that?”

“He knows a good deal about it. He was the one. It was his child. He never denied that.”

Floods of relief swept over me. I had been so sure that I should find the solution here . but I had dreaded doing so.

I said: “But she talked about meeting the Devil in the forest, I remember. We thought it was someone she did not know.”

“It wasn’t like that. She knew she shouldn’t have done what she did. I was always warning her. I expect I didn’t do it properly. I told her it was sinful and that the Devil tempted, girls. She thought it was the Devil in Klaus tempting her. You can’t imagine how muddled Gerda gets. She could never work anything out for herself. In her mind it was the Devil coming to her through Klaus, you see. That was what was on her mind.”

“I see. But she tried to get rid of the child.”

“That was Klaus again. He hadn’t thought of settling down with a wife then … and what could he do with a child? He had given her the stuff to take within the first two months … if she should be with child. Poor Gerda, as if she could work that out! Well, she left it too late and it would have done for her … but for you good people at Kaiserwald. Klaus said the stuff he gave her would have been quite all right if she hadn’t left it so late. He’d sold it to many girls who had used it with the required result.”

The baby started to cry.

“Excuse me,” she said. She picked him up and brought him to show me.

“A bright little fellow … takes after Klaus. That’s who he is.

Little Klaus. “

“You are happy to have him with you.”

She smiled.

“It seems like old times when Gerda was left to me. I feel young again with something to live for. This one’s a bright little fellow … as sharp as a monkey. Not like my poor Gerda. Even when she was his age we could see she was not as other children. He’s different. He’s his father all over again.”

“I am so glad everything worked out well for Gerda and that she is happy.”

“Yes, she’s happy. Never seen her so happy. She loves the travelling life and Klaus is there to look after her. They’ll be here sometimes on their rounds. How long will you be with us this time?”

“I am not sure.”

“Well, I hope you’ll be with us some time yet. I’ll never forget what you good people at Kaiserwald did for Gerda.”

I told her I must go; and thoughtfully I walked back through the forest.

I reproached myself. I had blamed him for Gerda. How could I? I had deliberately built up the case against him to soothe my wounds. I had used hatred as the soothing balm.

How could I ever make up to him for what I had done?

Each day his condition improved. He could now take short walks up and down to the lake. We would sit there and talk of the future.

I was very happy.

He said one day: “It might well have been that I was unable to walk.”

“I know. I planned to spend my life looking after you.”

“That would have been no life for a strong young woman.”

“It was what I chose.”

“I believe you would have married me. You would have been my nurse.”

“I should have been that … happily.”

“You would have tired of it … in time.”

I shook my head vehemently.

“I intended to go to Egypt as soon as we were married. A fascinating country. You would have enjoyed it.”

“We are going to my house in London and we shall stay there until you are fit to travel.”

“And who will decide that?”

“I shall.”

“I see I am marrying a very forceful woman.”

“It is as well that you recognize it.”

“Over the last few days I have been thinking that I am the most fortunate of men. I get a bullet which might have injured my spine permanently, but by some stroke of good fortune it just missed a vital spot. That in itself is something of a miracle. And in addition to that I have my Susanna to minister to me, to cherish and protect me for the rest of my life.”

“And I am the most fortunate of women because I have found the only one whom I would want to be my companion for the rest of my life and the miracle is that in spite of his various adventures he should want me.”

“It is indeed a wonderful realization. We are not two young people setting out starry-eyed on the adventure of life. We know the pitfalls, don’t we? I have lived, as you know, precariously, in odd places. I have done many things which would not be acceptable in polite society. In other words, I have lived a full life. And you, my dearest, have learned what suffering is. Let us be grateful for what we have learned because that is going to enrich our lives. In the first place it has made us grateful for Now. “

“You are right, of course.”

I confessed to him that I had suspected him of being Gerda’s seducer.

He had been unware of Gerda’s existence.

He laughed.

“It is a great advantage not to have to live up to an ideal. All I have to do is show you that I am not as bad as you thought me to be.”

And so my happiness returned. He was recovering fast. Soon he would be well.

He was eager to get home, but I said we should wait for another week so that he might be really strong. We should return to my home which I intended to keep on. It would be our pied-a-terre in London the house to which we would return after our travels.

“Jane and Polly are there,” I told him, ‘and there is old Joe, the coachman. It is their home. They are part of the family, as it were.

They must always be there. “

He thought it was an excellent idea. And as soon as we arrived home we should be married.

One day when we sat by the lake Eliza came and joined us.

She said: “There is something I have to tell you. I don’t know what you’ll do. I’ve been wondering whether to say nothing … but somehow I have to tell you. I can’t go on like this. Sometimes I’ve thought of drowning myself in that there lake.”

“Eliza, what are you talking about?”

“I was the one. I did it. I don’t know what they do to you here. At home it would be murder … attempted murder or something like that.

Do they hang you? “

“Oh Eliza,” I said.

“So … it was you.”

She nodded.

“It came to me all of a sudden. I heard him say he would meet you there. Something came over me. It wasn’t only him … It was my stepfather and some of the men I’d had to work for. It was all the lot of them. It was men. I just wanted to avenge myself and all women .. But most of all, there was you. I’d always told myself I’d never care for anyone, not really care … so that they was more important to me than myself. And I thought of you and all you’d done for Lily and for me, and what a great day it was when we got to know you. I’ve often thought of that night in the storm. And I wanted you to have all that was good … all that was right… all you ought to have. And there was that Dr. Fenwick and I thought of you there in that lovely place with all the little children you’d have. And there was him … stopping it all.”

“So you took a pot shot at me,” said Damien with a smile.

“Not a bad shot, really. Though it didn’t quite find the bull’s eye.”

“Thank God I didn’t. I can see now what a mess I’d made … trying to take things into my own hands. I might have killed you. I’d have had that on my mind for the rest of my life … and I see now I wouldn’t have done anything for her.”

“Was it the first time you’d handled a gun?” asked Damien curiously.

She nodded.

“But I’d watched them. I knew how it was done. The barn door was open. They’d forgotten to lock it … Fraulen Kleber’s barn, you know. There were all those guns in there. I just took one.

It was loaded. I saw to that. And then I went out and waited among the trees. And when you came, I shot you. Then I put the gun back and got away. Once or twice I’ve thought of going back to that barn and getting a gun and shooting myself. Because I saw what I’d done. I see now you can’t tell people what they ought to do. Anna wasn’t going to marry Dr. Fenwick no matter what. I thought I knew better than she did . and it was all for her. Then when she thought you was dead, and I saw in her face what you meant to her, I just wanted to die. I knew I’d done wrong . a terrible wrong . because whatever you are, you’re what she wants and she would never get over it if you was a goner. I just wanted to get out of the world. I didn’t think there was no place for me in it. after what I’d done. “

“Oh, Eliza,” I said, ‘you did all that for me. “

“Yes. It was for you. It seems I get funny about people. I was about Ethel. I just had to look after her because she couldn’t look after herself. Nor, I thought, could you. I had told Ethel she could earn more money my way … and look what happened. She got that baby and it died. Poor Ethel, she was well nigh frantic. I just had to look after her because she didn’t know nothing about life and the wickedness of men. Then she found that Tom. He seemed all right and she’s happy now. And then there was you. I took to you that night in the storm. I could see there was something special about you. You made me feel different about things … about people. Then there was that Dr. Fenwick and he was a rare good man. But you had set your eyes on him”

“And so,” said Damien, ‘you decided to remove me and make the way clear. “

“I thought she’d come to see it in time. She’d see which side her bread was buttered. Once you’d gone, she’d get over it …”

“It is all very logical,” he said.

“Now I’ve told you. It’s a load off my mind. What are you going to do about it? You’ll give me up, I reckon. He will… anyway. I’m finished. Well, it wasn’t much of a life. Funny … the best part was that awful hospital in Scutari, working with Ethel and you, and seeing Dr. Fenwick and feeling there was some good in the world after all.”

“Oh, Eliza,” I said, and I went to her and put my arms round her.

“Well, that’s me,” she said.

“I’m a murderess, ain’t I? Or as good as makes no difference. I tried and I failed, but I might have done it.”

“I understand, Eliza. I know how you suffered. Your step father ... and all those men . the humiliation, the degradation. I understand it all. And the doctor is well. He is recovering fast. Oh, Eliza, I’ll do everything I can to help. “

“I know … I know … even though if I had done it would have been all over for you. But it ain’t for you to say, is it? It’s him. He’s the one I tried to kill.”

Damien was watching her intently.

“Why didn’t you finish me off when you were looking after me? That wouldn’t have been so difficult, would it?”

“But I knew then … Perhaps I knew as soon as I’d fired that shot.

And when I saw her . later on . and all that misery in her face I just wanted to go away and die. I would have done anything to go back to that morning and not have taken that gun, and just let things go on the way they was drifting. Then I did everything I could to put things right. I was going to do all I could to nurse you back to health. “

“You did nurse me very well. You’re a really good nurse … one of the best. But it wasn’t very logical. To take that shot and then nurse me as you did.”

“I told you … I’d seen then … the way it was with her …”

“You did all that for her,” he said.

“It was a great deal. I’ve just made a decision as to what I’ll do about this.”

We looked at him fearfully. He smiled from one to the other of us tantalizingly.

“I’m going to suggest that Eliza goes to Rosenwald.”

“To Rosenwald … what for?” I stammered.

“To run the place, of course. She’s a strong-minded woman … not afraid to take firm action when she thinks fit. Just the person we are looking for. There, Eliza, you can expiate your sin; and when you have saved your first life you can say: ” Now I have wiped out the deed.

”

“You mean … you are not going to give me up … prosecute or whatever they call it?”

“No. I think this is a better plan.”

“How would you trust me? I was ready to kill you. How do you know I won’t do something like that again?”

“Once is enough for that sort of thing. You’d never try that again.”

“And you would put me in charge of … people?”

“It was my life you were going to take … in your opinion it was worthless … a menace to someone you cared for. It was logical thinking and I am a great upholder of logic.”

“But it was wicked of me to do what I did …”

“Indeed yes. But your motives were not for personal gain. You took such action for someone else. That shows a great capacity for affection. You care very deeply for someone I care for. That shows we have a great deal in common. Your assessment of my character is not entirely at fault. I am a most unworthy person. You have great potential for running a hospital. How fortunate you are that your bullet landed where it did. If you had killed me I should not have been able to offer you Rosenwald.”

“You are treating this … flippantly,” I said.

“Not at all. Eliza gave vent to her feelings. She will never attempt to kill again because she knows now that she cannot condemn completely and no one ever can, because all the circumstances must be known before judgement is passed. She knows now that no one is entirely wicked … even I; no one entirely a saint not even the good Dr. Fenwick. Eliza is wiser than she was. She knows that we all have to go our own way in life and it is not for any of us to arrange that way for others. She will do good at Rosenwald. What a waste of time useless trivia and accusations would be! It is a matter between our selves. I killed a man once. He came to my tent with a knife. I strangled him and buried his body in the sand. It was either him or me. It bothered me for some time; and when I saved a patient’s life I felt the score was even. That is how it will be with Eliza.” He turned to her with a smile.

“I think you should go down and have a look at Rosenwald soon.”

I could see that Eliza was overcome with emotion. She looked as though a great weight had been taken from her shoulders.

She stood up and said: “I don’t know what to say except I’m glad you know.” I didn’t think it would be like this. It’s been a dead weight on me ever since it happened. I didn’t think I could take any more.”

She looked at the lake.

“It seemed peaceful,” she went on.

“I thought one night when it was quiet …”

“Oh, Eliza, I’m glad you told us instead.”

“And him …” she said.

“To offer me this way out.. , well, I dunno … I really dunno how anyone could be like that about someone who’d tried to murder ‘em.”

“Well,” said Damien, ‘it is easier for a sinner to understand people’s little foibles than it is for a saint. And when you understand, you forgive. You’ve got strength, Eliza. You’ve got courage to do what you think is right. You’re capable of loving . wholeheartedly, and believe me, that’s not a very common attribute. You know how to put a loved one’s interests before your own. I admire that. You’ll have Rosenwald outstripping Kaiserwald in no time. “

She looked at me and her smile expressed relief and above all hope.

She was looking into a future which she had believed was lost to her forever.

She nodded towards Damien.

“I never knew anyone like him,” she said.

“No,” I replied.

“Nor did I.”