Semper Fidelis

Chapter 18

She had dreamed the dream again.

Tilla lay in the warmth of the blankets, gazing past the empty bed beside her to the bright streaks of light around the shutters. The storm seemed to have blown itself out during the night. Sparrows and pigeons and a blackbird were celebrating the morning in the courtyard, hardly disturbed by the slap of sandaled feet passing along the walkway.

The house in the dream was always endless. Last night there had been a broad fan of gray damp spreading from one corner, but the rest was always the same: empty rooms and steps and corridors that she wandered through with no clear idea of where she had come from or how she would ever get out.

She had dreamed about it so often that when a traveling interpreter came to Deva, she had paid good money to find out what it meant.

“Ah, yes!” The interpreter had looked into her eyes while clasping his hands together as if he could squeeze the meaning out from between his palms. “And are the rooms collapsing?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Any smoldering or ash?”

“No.”

“I am happy for you, mistress. If a room burns brightly without falling down, then you will come into riches.”

When she failed to look pleased, he said, “You are quite sure there is no ash? Because damage warns that something bad is on the way. A burning bedroom signifies ill fortune for a wife. Damage to the men’s rooms means ill fortune for a man.”

“I see.”

“The meaning is quite clear, even if only one wall is collapsed. The wall with the door in it represents-”

“What if the rooms are not on fire at all?”

“Not on fire?”

“No.”

The man laid his hands flat on the table. “Then it is very hard to say.”

She was glad she had not told her husband where she was going.

She could see now that the meaning was obvious. It did not matter that she had risen from slave to housekeeper, from housekeeper to wife. It did not matter how many babies she helped other women to bring into the world. Marcia’s letter had been a sharp reminder that her days were destined to be spent moving between empty rooms, with no family of her own to fill them.

She closed her eyes, listening to the voice of her mother.

It’s no good moping, girl. There’s work to be done.

But, Mam, the slaves do all the work in a mansio, and I cannot make women have babies to deliver. Besides, do you not see how it breaks my heart to hold them when I have none of my own?

Have you forgotten? Nobody likes a person who feels sorry for herself.

I try not to, Mam. And when we get back to Deva, I shall have plenty to do.

Lighting fires and fetching water? Cooking?

Not every day. Some days we rent next door’s kitchen girl.

What other wife of a Roman officer ever does those things? You shame us by marrying him and then you shame him by acting like a slave!

He is not ashamed of me!

No? What do his friends think? Why were you not invited to dinner with the tribune?

Nobody’s wife was invited, Mam. And I had a patient to see.

You spent the evening with a silly girl who said you were no help, and reading about dead sparrows. I don’t know what to make of you. One minute you are cleaning his armor like a slave, the next you are trying to read as if you were some rich foreigner.

You were the one who told me to get on and do things and stop moping, Mam! Now I am doing things and still you are not satisfied!

She could hear again the sniff of disdain that meant her mother might be losing the argument, but she was still right. You are trying to be many people at once, daughter. But you know from the dream that you are not going to be a mother, and you are a terrible cook. Why do you not ask your husband to buy some help?

We cannot agree on what sort of slave to buy.

Nonsense. That is an excuse.

Mam, I am not going to be one of those wives who hang around the bathhouse all morning eating cakes and complaining about everything.

Then find yourself something better to do!

Tilla, who in low moments long ago had considered trying to join her lost family in the next world, decided she was glad she had stayed in this one.

The blackbird was still singing outside. Over in the fort, the sacrifice to Jupiter would be complete. It was a good morning to make a new start. Then perhaps the dream would go away.