Sempre: Redemption

6

Haven hadn’t intended to fall asleep, but her exhaustion was deeper than she anticipated. Emotionally drained, she drifted into unconsciousness within a matter of minutes.

Rolling over in the middle of the night, her arm dropped on the other side of the mattress. She felt around for Carmine in the darkness, sighing when she realized she was alone.

Climbing out of bed, she quietly made her way to the door, the faint sound of “Moonlight Sonata” meeting her ears. The disjointed notes washed through her, the familiar broken melody forcing a frown onto her lips.

Carmine sat in his usual chair in the library, casually strumming his guitar. A sliver of light filtered in from the large window, illuminating his somber expression in the darkness. She called his name but he remained still, continuing to pluck at the strings almost as if he hadn’t heard her. She took a step toward him and was about to say his name again when he let out a long, deep sigh. “I had a dream.”

“Another nightmare?” she asked, walking over to him. He glanced up at her as his fingers stilled, the music stopping, but Haven barely noticed. She couldn’t focus on anything but the green eyes boring into her. Once so alive with passion, she saw nothing but deep sadness marring the bright color.

Carmine set the guitar aside and moved his legs to make room, motioning for her to join him. She climbed into his lap and he wrapped his arms around her.

“Not a nightmare this time,” he said. “It was a good dream.”

“What was it about?”

“You,” he said quietly. “You made a painting—some abstract shit, I don’t know—but it was so good they hung it in a museum and raved about how talented you were. It was like you were the next fucking Picasso, tesoro.”

She laughed. “I don’t even know how to paint, Carmine.”

“You could learn,” he said. “Would you want to?”

“Maybe, but I don’t know how good I’d be.”

“Oh, you’d be good,” he said confidently. “You shouldn’t doubt yourself. You can do anything you set your mind to.”

“Except for play the piano,” she said playfully. “Or the guitar.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, for the sake of everyone’s ears, we ought to leave music to me, but the rest is all you. You can probably do all of that, you know. Draw, paint, sculpt shit into weird shapes and tell people it’s something it doesn’t look anything like. That takes talent.”

She smiled. “And you think I have that kind of talent?”

“Of course,” he said. “There’s gonna be no stopping you once you get started.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, a swell of emotion surging through her at his words. “It means a lot that you believe in me.”

“I’d be an idiot not to,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “You know, we never finished our conversation from the other day.”

“Which one?”

“The one about your freedom.”

Haven sighed, snuggling closer to him. “What else is there to say?”

“I wanna hear what it really means to you.”

They spent the next hour sitting together in front of the window in the dark library, digging into each other’s minds. They didn’t talk about the torture they had endured or the hurt they still felt, instead focusing on the things that made them happy. He asked about her deepest desires, wanting to know what kind of things she would do if she woke up tomorrow with a clean slate. What would she do, if someday, she could start over, brand new?

She talked of friends and a family, a house full of books and half a dozen pets. The American Dream, complete with two-point-five kids and a freshly painted white picket fence, weekend barbecues with neighbors and summer vacations to Disneyland.

It felt like everything else faded away that long moment, the reality of their situation taking a back seat as they considered an alternate future, one Haven had always wanted but never believed she could have. A future away from it all. A future with no strings.

Freedom.

“I just want people to see me,” she said. “I want to walk into a room and have them know I’m there. It doesn’t matter where it is, really. I’m just don’t want to be invisible anymore.”

Carmine ran the back of his hand along her warm cheek. She hummed contently, leaning into his touch.

“I see you, hummingbird,” he whispered, a twinkle in his eyes.

“I know you do.”

“You wanna know what else I see?”

“What?” she asked.

He nodded toward the window. “Snow.”

Haven glanced over, spotting the thick white flakes fluttering down from the sky. Before she could comment, Carmine jumped up and yanked her to her feet. “Come on.”

She laughed as he pulled her into the bedroom. “What are we doing?”

“We’re going outside.”

“Now?” she asked with disbelief, glancing at the clock when he let go of her hand. The red numbers shone brightly in the darkness: one in the morning.

He shoved open the bedroom window. It groaned, but offered little resistance. Cold air entered the room in a whoosh, stirring the thick curtains and making Haven shiver. Wrapping her arms around herself, her brow furrowed in confusion. “Didn’t Dr. DeMarco nail that down?”

“Yeah, but he did a shitty job,” Carmine replied. “I pried it back open.”

Haven wanted to ask when he had done it, or even why he bothered, but she didn’t have a chance. Carmine had his shoes on and was already preparing to leave.

“Come on,” he said again, tossing her coat to her. He was halfway out the window before she could think to object.

Haven quickly bundled up before joining him on the long balcony that wrapped around the house. It was the third time she had navigated it, but this time was more difficult than the other two. A light sheen of frost covered everything, making Haven slip a little as she walked along the narrow wooden path toward the massive tree on the corner. It was barren, the leaves long gone as winter settled in, but the thick branches were as sturdy as ever.

“Is this necessary?” Haven asked as she started climbing the tree. “Couldn’t we have gone out the door?”

“We could’ve,” Carmine said, jumping down to the ground, “but where’s the fun in that?”

Haven managed to scale the first few obstacles easily, but her foot slipped when she neared the bottom of the tree. She lost her grip on the branch and screeched, closing her eyes when she started to fall. She braced herself for sudden impact, but Carmine reacted quickly. He grabbed her, attempting to gracefully catch her, but the blow knocked them both down.

Carmine groaned as the air was brutally forced from his lungs. Haven pulled away from him, rolling over. The frozen earth felt like solid concrete against her back. “That was sure . . . fun.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think that shit through,” Carmine said, standing up. He brushed at his clothes before grabbing Haven’s hand and pulling her to her feet. “Maybe we should’ve just used the damn door.”

The cold night air felt like pins and needles, stabbing against Haven’s flushed face, but she smiled regardless as she took in her surroundings. The flakes were starting to settle on the ground, dotting the lifeless grass with small patches of white. Thick clouds covered the sky, blocking the stars from view, but the vibrant moon continued to shine through. There were no animals or birds out at that hour, no fireflies flickering in the night—no sign of life except for the two of them.

It was as if they were alone in the world, and as terrifying as that was to Haven—the thought of nothing else existing anymore—she felt secure knowing at least he was still out there.

She took a few steps out into the yard, glancing up into the sky as snow rained down on her. Wetness hit her skin, coldness seeping through her clothes. A chill ran through her body as she closed her eyes and opened her mouth, capturing some of the bland flakes on her tongue.

Despite the fact that it was bitterly cold, warmth spread through her.

Haven opened her eyes and peeked over at Carmine to find him staring at her. Flakes stuck to his thick, dark locks, and she reached up, running her fingers through his hair to wipe them away.

“You’re beautiful, tesoro,” he said quietly.

Heat rose to her cheeks at his words. “Such a charmer.”

“Run away with me,” he continued, leaning down to softly kiss her lips. “We can disappear before the sun comes up.”

Pressing her hand against his chest, she pushed away from Carmine with a laugh. “We can’t run away.”

He sighed. “It’s a nice dream, though, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know how nice it would be,” she replied. “How would we ever feel safe if we constantly had to watch our backs? I don’t want to run from anything anymore. I’m tired of running. I want to be able to walk away, just stroll away somewhere together, hand in hand, nothing else mattering. I want to stand at an intersection and choose which way to go without having to worry about what happens if it leads us somewhere someone else doesn’t want us to be. Now that’s a nice dream.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” he said, still staring at her. “Beautiful and smart.”

She timidly ducked her head, peering at the ground as her blush deepened. She started kicking around at the small accumulation, her toe digging into the frozen dirt. “Does it snow a lot in Chicago?”

Carmine was quiet for a moment. She glanced back at him, seeing he wasn’t watching her anymore. He stared off into the distance, a dazed look on his face. “Too much,” he said eventually. “I like snow and all, but they get blizzards. I’m not looking forward to it.”

“But think of all the snowmen and snow angels and the snowball fights.”

His lips curved into a smile, but she could see the sadness back in his eyes. She felt guilty for bringing up Chicago, not wanting to ruin his mood. It wasn’t often they had carefree moments anymore.

“It snows in New York, too,” he said. “Just as much as it snows in Chicago.”

“I bet Central Park is beautiful when it’s all white,” she said. “Actually, I bet it’s beautiful all year round. I’d love to see it someday.”

“You will,” he said, turning back to her. His smile faded. “You look cold.”

Her fingers were numb already, the tips of her ears stinging, but she just shrugged, not wanting the moment to be over yet.

Carmine pulled her into his arms, his body heat instantly warming her. Snuggling into his chest, she wrapped her arms around him as she hugged him tightly. He leaned his head on top of hers, a soft hum vibrating Carmine’s chest as the snow continued to fall, covering them.

The melody was sweet and vaguely familiar. It took a minute for it to register with Haven. “Blue October,” she whispered, recalling the song they had made love to on Valentine’s Day.

“You remember,” he said.

“How could I not?” she whispered as he continued humming, the sound slowly turning into words as he began to sing. A chill ran down her spine, her heart aching when his voice cracked on the words.

A strange feeling brewed in the pit of Haven’s stomach, longing and desperation mixing with fear. Fear’s healthy, she tried to remind herself, but it didn’t feel like it at the moment. It felt crippling, like the fortress walls she had built that kept her safe and at home were on the verge of collapsing.

“Are you okay?” he asked, pulling back as her body shuddered. Haven nodded, her eyes starting to well up with tears as she avoided his gaze, once again terrified of seeing that look in his eyes, the look of regret.

“Do you want to go inside?” he asked when she didn’t speak.

She nodded again.

He grabbed her hand, leading her to the back door instead of the tree. He pressed the code in the keypad, unlocking it, and ushered her inside.

Haven took her coat off as soon as she made it upstairs to the bedroom, kicking her shoes off right inside the door. Her pants were damp and she stripped them off, pulling her shirt off next and tossing all of her clothes on the floor in a pile. She turned to Carmine, watching as he took his coat off and carefully hung it on the back of his desk chair.

“Carmine,” she said, her voice shaking. He turned his head and froze when he saw her standing there in her bra and underwear, his eyes scanning the length of her like it was pure instinct.

His gaze reached her face and their eyes connected, goose bumps dancing across her skin at the intensity of the green shining back at her. He stared at her curiously, the sadness still there, but more than anything she could see the love he had for her.

Thank God, she silently pleaded in relief.

“Make love to me, Carmine.”

It came out a strangled whisper, the words catching in her throat. She needed him in that moment. She wasn’t entirely sure why, but she could feel it deep down to the bone. She didn’t want to just see his love—she wanted to feel it. It had been months since they had been intimate, since before the devastation had taken hold, and she desperately needed to be consumed by Carmine DeMarco once again.

He appeared torn as he stared at her, but the agonized expression on his face faded away. He slowly took a few steps toward her but didn’t say anything, no words necessary. They both knew they would give in to the need, unable to resist the pull between them that had been there since the moment they first touched.

He paused in front of her, his hand running the length of her arm as he leaned down to kiss her. Reaching around and unclasping her bra, he pulled it off slowly and allowed it to drop to the floor. A moan escaped Haven’s throat as he gently caressed her breasts, her nipples pebbling under his gentle touch.

His hands drifted down to her hips as he slowly backed her up to the bed. She scooted back onto it and he hovered over her, not once breaking their kiss.

Haven closed her eyes as his mouth moved to her neck, his shaky breath hitting the wet spots left behind. Shivers ripped down her spine as he trailed kisses down her stomach, and she inhaled deeply as his tongue dipped inside her belly button. It tickled, her body tingling from head to toe.

Carmine took his time, kissing and caressing every inch of exposed skin, before slowly pulling off her panties. She clutched the sheets tightly as he kissed along her inner thighs, gripping her hips, holding her in place as his tongue gently caressed her flesh.

Haven’s noises grew louder and her legs trembled as the pressure built inside her. Writhing, she let go of the sheets, reaching out for him. She ran her hands through his hair and moaned his name, a groan vibrating in his chest at the sound of it. He pulled away from Haven quickly and she opened her eyes as he sat up, watching as he grabbed the bottom of his shirt to pull it off.

Reaching out, Haven ran her fingers over the ridges of his stomach, tracing the lines of the tattoo on his chest as he unbuckled his pants. He pulled them off and Haven’s breath hitched at the sight of him already erect. She ran her fingers down the light trail of hair on his stomach before grasping him and stroking a few times.

“Are you sure?” he asked, placing his hand on top of hers.

“Now who’s second guessing?” she asked. “Don’t you trust me?”

He smiled, amused she would turn his words around on him, and pulled her hand away. She held her breath as he pushed inside of her, filling her completely with one deep stroke.

“Of course I trust you,” he whispered. “I’m just giving you a chance to change your mind.”

“I’ll never change my mind,” she said. “Not when it comes to you.”

His thrusts were slow and gentle at first as he kissed her softly, whimpers escaping her throat. She wrapped her arms around him, clinging to him as her hands roamed the sculpted muscles of his back.

The pleasure was intense as it swept through her, and it didn’t take long before the pressure built again, her body quivering.

Carmine’s movements grew more frantic after a while, his thrusts harder and deeper. His breathing grew labored, his body trembling in her arms as he slid in and out of her body with fervor. She could feel the desire seeping from his pores as he gave himself to her. The love, the need, the yearning . . . the raw passion between them was enough to take her breath away.

Skin soaked with sweat, Haven felt as if she were on fire, every inch of her aching for all of him. She could hear his pants and gasps, his hands gripping her firmly as he challenged logic by pulling her closer than she had ever been before. It was as if they had melted into one, where he ended and she began nothing but a blur.

Bodies pressed together, she could feel his pulse, blood furiously rushing through his veins. “Your heart,” she whispered. “It’s racing.”

“You feel it?” he asked. “You hear it?”

“Yes.”

“What’s it saying?”

She smiled, her eyes fluttering closed. “It’s saying you love me.”

“I do,” he said. “No matter what. Sempre.”

That word washed through her. “Sempre.”

Carmine’s body shook as his climax hit. He smashed his lips to hers as he thrust a few more times, holding Haven so tightly it was as if his life depended on it.

He stilled his movements, nuzzling into her neck, and let out a shaky breath as a shudder ran through his body.

“Good night, my hummingbird,” Carmine whispered. “I’ll keep you in my dreams.”