Sensuous

17 March — Wednesday

Still depressed.

Down in the dumps all day and God knows why. Arlene doesn’t know why.

Does Jennifer know why?

Maybe there is no Jennifer.

I can’t get out of this fucking mood.

I didn’t even feel like buying Screw after work today. But I bought it anyway because I thought it might shake my mood for me. Started to go up to Times Square as usual and decided this was foolish. Walked a block to a newsstand I don’t usually pass and bought it and a copy of the Post. The news dealer wasn’t blind and somehow I didn’t care. I don’t know if this is progress or just that I was too down in the dumps to give a damn one way or the other.

Put the sex paper inside the other paper and came home and tried to read the articles, but they just seemed cheap and obscene. Read the ads and had even more of a down from them. Thinking that all these people are perverts and I’m a worse pervert than they are for wanting to do the things they’re actually doing.

And for not being able to do them.

And I’ve had that fucking Post Office box for a week and not done anything with it, and I guess I won’t, because a couple of times I have started to order things and always copped out, and a couple of times I have tried to answer ads besides Bill’s, and chickened out, and I’m beginning to think that I’ll never do the things I want to do, and that maybe I don’t want to do them in the first place, and I don’t know where I am tonight.

I just got up from the typewriter and called Bill. The line was busy. I guess that means he has a girl over there and is sucking her or fucking her or playing some desperate little game with her. Probably getting her hot by telling her about Jennifer Starr, the crazy pervert who comes over once a week to watch him jerk off.

It doesn’t matter to me and he can say whatever he wants because there is no Jennifer Starr. All there is is Krause the Mouse and maybe she doesn’t exist either.

I don’t even think it does any good to put all this crap on paper. I had a drink when I came home and it was scary how good it tasted. I’m going to have one or two more. In fact I might even get good and loaded, and why not, because no one in the world gives a fuck.