Shakedown: Freddy Otash Confesses

10

I’m perched in purgatory. I’ve purged the most perverted part of my hellacious history. My brain waves broiled in seditious sync with James Ellroy’s. It was a carcinogenic collaboration. We collided over commas, colons, and alluring alliteration. Ellroy finally dumped his Otash TV show on a cable network. He’ll get more rich and famous. Did he do a deal with the devil? Has my heartfelt hope of heaven gone pffft?

It has.

My keepers have convened a kangaroo court. My transfer to heaven has been stamped “still pending.”

I’m deep in the dumps. They took my old body back. I’m perpetually 70 years old and dead.

My ass hurts. Johnnie Ray pitchforked me an hour ago. Kate Hepburn was next. Sweetie, you did do Rex the Rottweiler — all I wanted was ten grand for the pics!

Aaaaaah — I’ve got third-degree burns!!!!

I’ve petitioned my head keeper for a heaven day pass. A conjugal visit with Liz Taylor would put me up on my paws. More malignant memories are crawling through my cranium. I’m jumping Joan Crawford and socking it to Simone Signoret. Jerk-off James Ellroy would be digging this shit.

Where’s Ellroy when I really need him? Fuck — my ass hurts!

My head keeper just passed on the word: no heaven day pass. Consolation prize: I’ll have an hour in my cell with an earthly “old flame.”

I put on a spiffy sweat suit. I spritzed on Lucky Tiger cologne. I prepped some withering one-liners — L.A. in the ’50s, ring-a-ding-ding!!!!!

A tall woman approached the bars. Oooooooh — blasphemous-blond and boss-built! She got closer. She boded biiiiig and seemed fatalistically familiar. She wore stewardess blues, replete with pillbox hat. She smiled. What’s that bulge in her skirt? Holy Homo Hannah — it’s Barb Bonvillain, pre — sex change!

I screeched and screamed.

I cringed and crapped my pants.

I cried out for my keepers.

Am I hurtling to hell? Did this memoir make the prince of darkness send up for me?

Barb’s outside my cell now. Call it karmic comeuppance. You get what you pay for. I sure as shit learned it late.