Shame

33

Maj-Britt Pettersson.

The mere name on the letter-box made her feel sick. But she was still safely sheltered, out of reach. She knew that the terror lay in wait out there, but it could not get to her. The tiny white pills had blocked all passages.

She put her finger on the doorbell and pressed it. She had parked the car on the other side of the building so Pernilla wouldn’t see it, and like the last time she was here she had gone in through the cellar entrance at the end of the building.

She heard someone inside and then the lock clicked open. She shuddered as she stepped across the threshold; she never would have thought she could be persuaded to return.

She kept her coat on but took off her boots. The fat dog came up and sniffed at her, but when she took no notice it turned and left. She cast a glance into the empty kitchen as she passed, wondering whether Ellinor was there too, but she didn’t seem to be. She continued towards the living room. For an instant she wasn’t sure whether she was approaching the living-room doorway or it was approaching her.

The monstrosity was sitting in the easy chair and motioned towards the sofa with one hand. A sweeping gesture that perhaps was meant to be welcoming.

‘It was nice of you to come. Please have a seat.’

Monika didn’t intend to stay long and remained standing in the doorway. Just get this over with so that she could leave.

‘What is it you want?’

The gigantic woman sat quite still and watched her with her penetrating gaze, apparently satisfied with the situation. Because she was smiling. For the first time, she smiled at Monika, and for some reason it felt even more disagreeable than her usual behaviour. Monika was uncomfortably aware of the woman’s superior position. The mere fact that she had agreed to come was a confession as good as a written affidavit. Her dazed brain tried to figure out what was actually happening, but she didn’t recognise her thoughts any longer. Ellinor and Maj-Britt and Åse and Pernilla. The names buzzed around and stumbled over each other but she could no longer figure out who knew what or why they knew it. And she didn’t even want to go near the thought of what would happen if everything was revealed and became public knowledge. But everything was going to be fine. She would just see to it that Pernilla met a new man and was happy again and they would continue to be friends and everyone would live happily ever after.

She had almost forgotten where she was when she heard the voice from the easy chair again.

‘I’m sorry I had to resort to such words to get you to come here, but as I said it’s important. It’s for your own good.’

She smiled again and Monika felt a little sick.

‘I asked you to come because I want to help you. It may not seem that way right now, but one day you will understand.’

‘What is it you want?’

The woman in the chair straightened her back and her eyes narrowed to slits.

‘Your tongue devises destruction, like a sharp razor, working deceitfully. You love evil more than good, lying rather than speaking righteousness, you deceitful tongue.’

Monika squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again. It didn’t help. This was really happening.

‘What?’

‘God shall likewise destroy you forever; He shall take you away, and pluck you out of your dwelling place, and uproot you from the land of the living.’

Monika swallowed. Everything was spinning. She leaned against the door jamb for support.

‘I’m only trying to save you. What’s the name of the widow, the one who lives across the way? The one you’re lying to?’

Monika didn’t answer. In less than a second the thought whirled away and she could only confirm what a fantastic invention Zopax was. It came to her rescue when all her other efforts to solve her problems failed.

The woman continued when she didn’t get an answer.

‘I don’t need her name. Because I know where she lives.’

‘I don’t understand what you have to do with any of this.’

‘I make no assumptions. But God does.’

The woman was insane. She kept on watching Monika, holding her there as if she were nailed to the spot. She clearly felt the woman’s eyes worming their way in, dodging her exhausted defences, and finally reaching her very core.

Worming their way in. What a ridiculous expression!

She suddenly heard someone giggling and realised to her astonishment that the laughter was coming from her own mouth. The monster in the chair gave a start and glared at her.

‘What’s so funny?’

‘Nothing, I was just standing here thinking about something and then I thought that… it’s nothing.’

Someone laughed again but then it was quiet. The true nature of something. A guest from hell disguised as a worm.

When the monstrosity began to speak again her voice sounded angry, as if someone had insulted her.

‘I won’t tire you with any details, because I can see with my own eyes that you aren’t very interested, but you must know that I’m doing this for your own sake. I’ll be brief and give you three alternatives. The first is that you voluntarily confess to the widow who lives on the third floor across the way that you have been telling lies and bring her here so that I can hear it with my own ears. The second is as follows. Somewhere in safekeeping there is a letter that I have written. If you do not voluntarily confess, in a week this letter will be delivered to her, and when she reads it she will find out that you were the one who talked her husband into trading places with you on the way home from the course.’

The fear succeeded in opening up a little hole, but only a little one. So far she was still fairly safe. The pills were in her handbag, but she had already taken more than the normal dosage. Several times over.

‘The third alternative is that you deposit one million kronor into the bank account of Save the Children. And that you come here and give me the deposit receipt as proof.’

Monika stared at her. The precise sum and specific request carved out a measure of reality from the insanity. With absolute clarity she comprehended the full import of such an unreasonable demand.

‘Are you crazy? I don’t have that much money.’

The monster turned her head away and looked out the window. Her chins shook when she continued.

‘No, of course you don’t. Then it will have to be one of the other alternatives.’

The gate was thrown open wide. She snatched up her handbag and fumbled for the packet of pills, saw out of the corner of her eye that the monster was watching her but it didn’t make any difference. She dropped the foil pack on the floor and almost passed out when she stooped to pick it up.

‘You can think about it for a couple of days and let me know which one it will be. But it’s urgent. The grace of the Lord must not be misused.’

Monika staggered out to the hall and swallowed the tablets. She picked up her boots and sat down in the stairwell to pull them on. She held onto the banister on the way down and found the exit through the cellar. Somehow she had to buy herself some time. Make everything stand still long enough to give her a chance to think and regain control over all that had gone so wrong, slipping out of her hands once again. The woman was insane and somehow part of the net that had ensnared her. Now she had to find a way out of everything that was no longer possible to comprehend.

She noticed how the Zopax had found its way to the correct receptors in her brain, and she stopped to allow herself a moment’s pleasure. Enjoyed the sense of liberation when everything, through a wondrous transformation, was no longer so important, when everything sharp became embedded in something soft and manageable that could no longer do her harm.

She stood utterly still, gently inhaling air into her lungs and breathing. Just breathing.

The sun had peeked out. She closed her eyes and let the rays play over her face.

Everything would be fine. Everything was quite fine. Zopax and Save the Children. Everything had a charitable purpose. Almost like the donation fund she was responsible for at the clinic. Which would go to deserving aid groups for children injured in war. Each year they helped hundreds of children all over the world. It was fantastic; they saved them, saved the children. Save the Children. Ha! Now that she thought about it, it was almost the same thing, after all. And no one would ever notice a thing, there was so much in that donation account. She would just have to borrow a little of the money as an emergency measure until she managed to solve the problem in some other way. She had the account number in her wallet, and the bank was open. It was for Pernilla’s sake too, of course, she mustn’t forget that, so that she wouldn’t feel betrayed and deserted and utterly alone. Pernilla needed her. Until she had found an equally good replacement for Mattias, Monika was the only one Pernilla had. And Monika had vowed, on her honour and in good conscience, that she would strive to serve her fellow man with humanity and respect for life as a guiding principle, and now she had a life to save. It was her duty to do everything she could.

The only thing was that in this case she couldn’t remember whose life it was that she actually had to save.