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Chapter Nine

Kellen continued to unwind ropes and massage flesh long after Lindsey had fallen asleep. He could feel Owen’s troubled gaze on him, but he pretended he was still working through his ritual. When had it become a way to be closer to his best friend? And why were the best orgasms of his life always at Owen’s hand? He wasn’t attracted to Owen. He didn’t get aroused when he was around him or anything. It had to be a completely tactile response of his body. Nothing emotional behind it. Should he tell Owen that or just keep those thoughts to himself?

“I want some hot chocolate,” Owen said. “Can you finish this on your own?”

Kellen forced himself to look up at Owen. He hoped his smile didn’t appear as forced as it felt. “Yeah, I’m fine. Almost finished. Unless you want to retrieve her anal plug for me.”

Owen grinned and Kellen took an unlabored breath. He hadn’t realized how constricted his chest had become until Owen’s easy smile had lifted some of the emotional burden.

“Sounds like a job for Adam,” Owen said. “He’s the one who loves ass.”

Kellen really didn’t want to make things weird between himself and Owen. So what if his orgasms were less intense when he finished himself at his own hand. Kellen had to stop encouraging Owen to touch him. Had to stop touching Owen in return. That’s all there was too it.

“You can call Adam in here if you want,” Kellen said.

Owen shook his head. “You aren’t attracted to me. Are you?”

Leave it to Owen to throw it all out there in the open. Kellen shook his head. “No. I honestly never think of you in a sexual capacity.”

Owen released a deep breath. “Thank God. I don’t think of you that way either. Why then… Why do we both get off so hard that way? I come so hard when you jerk me off.”

“Strong hands?”

“I guess,” Owen said and nodded. “The other guys don’t know about this, do they?”

“Not unless you told them.”

“I can keep a secret if you can.”

“Yeah, but can she?”

They both paused in their massage to gaze down at the sleeping girl. She looked so innocent in sleep. So exhausted. Kellen felt a renewed stirring in his groin. One he absolutely did not feel when he thought of Owen. It was a relief, yet he felt a little weird about it. Kellen would have probably felt less weird about getting off at his best friend’s hand if he were attracted to him. At least then it would make sense.

He just couldn’t bring himself to let a woman get him off. Not yet. He should probably move on with his life. Find someone to love. Sara would have wanted that for him. She’d told him as much the last time they’d made love. The last time he’d made love, period.

“You’re thinking about her again,” Owen said.

Kellen swallowed the lump in his throat and returned his attention to massaging Lindsey’s hand. She sighed in her sleep and his heart warmed. He wished he could love someone like her. He wished he could love anyone. Six years was long enough to grieve for Sara. It was much longer than the time he’d had with her.

“I think she’ll always be there,” Kellen said. “Sara.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s why you can’t bring yourself to, you know.” Owen’s eyes flicked towards Lindsey’s shaven mound. “Dam the beaver with your stick.”

Kellen’s brow crumpled. “That doesn’t even make sense, Owen. You don’t dam beavers.”

Owen chuckled. “I do.”

Kellen could still taste Lindsey’s sweet pussy and yeah, things were definitely stirring down below at the thought, but he didn’t want enter her shapely body. He didn’t want to be wrapped in her arms. He didn’t want to move inside her and stare down into her big blue eyes, because even though Lindsey resembled Sara, she wouldn’t be Sara. She could never be Sara. Sara was dead.

“I’m all sorts of fucked up in the head,” Kellen murmured.

“Hey, it’s alright. No one knows, but me,” Owen said.

Kellen chuckled. “I guess that’s some consolation.”

“Maybe if you tried again, you could do it this time. Instead of thinking of Sara while you bang the chick, you could think about my hand.” Owen lifted his eyebrows suggestively and wriggled his fingers at him. “I know how much it turns you on.”

Kellen might have taken offense if he hadn’t known Owen was fucking with him. He laughed harder. “What? Are you tired of having to get me off, Owen?”

“Not as long as you reciprocate.” Owen’s face split into a wide grin. “We are a couple of fucking perverts, aren’t we?”

“Hey, whatever feels good and God knows I need the release.”

“I’m really ready for some hot chocolate now. Do you want some?”

Kellen shook his head. “I’ll be out later. I need a few minutes to get my head on straight.”

Owen climbed from the bed and slipped into his jeans. “I’m going to hold you to that. No lying back here, holding some girl you don’t know, feeling all depressed and lonely.”

Kellen chuckled. The man knew him too well. He didn’t know what he would do with himself without Owen in his life, reminding him to keep living. Or try to.