Shopaholic Ties the Knot

Three

OK. NOW, I may be engaged, but I’m not going to get carried away.

No way.

I know some girls go mad, planning the biggest wedding in the universe and thinking about nothing else… but that’s not going to be me. I’m not going to let this take over my life. I mean, let’s get our priorities right here. The most important thing is not the dress, or the shoes, or what kind of flowers we have, is it? It’s making the promise of lifelong commitment. It’s pledging our troth to one another.

I pause, halfway through putting on my moisturizer, and gaze at the reflection in my old bedroom mirror. “I, Becky,” I murmur solemnly. “I, Rebecca. Take thee, Luke.”

Those ancient words just send a shiver up your spine, don’t they?

“To be thine… mine… husband. For better, for richer…”

I break off with a puzzled frown. That doesn’t sound quite right. Still, I can learn it properly nearer the time. The point is, the vows are what matters, nothing else. We don’t have to go over the top. Just a simple, elegant ceremony. No fuss, no hoopla. I mean, Romeo and Juliet didn’t need a big wedding with sugared almonds and vol-au-vents, did they?

In fact, maybe we should even get married in secret, like they did! Suddenly I’m gripped by a vision of Luke and me kneeling before an Italian priest in the dead of night, in some tiny stone chapel. God, that would be romantic. And then somehow Luke would think I was dead, and he’d commit suicide, and so would I, and it would be incredibly tragic, and everyone would say we did it for love and the whole world should learn from our example…

“Karaoke?” Luke’s voice outside the bedroom door brings me back to reality. “Well, it’s certainly a possibility…”

The door opens and he holds out a cup of coffee to me. He and I have been staying here at my parents’ house since Suze’s wedding, and when I left the breakfast table, he was refereeing my parents as they argued over whether or not the moon landings actually happened.

“Your mother’s already found a possible date for the wedding,” he says. “What do you think about the—”

“Luke!” I put up a hand to stop him. “Luke. Let’s just take this one step at a time, shall we?” I give him a kind smile. “I mean, we’ve only just got engaged. Let’s just get our heads round that first. There’s no need to dash into setting dates.”

I glance at myself in the mirror, feeling quite grown-up and proud of myself. For once in my life I’m not getting overexcited.

“You’re right,” says Luke after a pause. “No, you are right. And the date your mother suggested would be a terrible hurry.”

“Really?” I take a thoughtful sip of coffee. “So… just out of interest… when was it?”

“June 22nd. This year.” He shakes his head. “Crazy, really. It’s only a few months away.”

“Madness!” I say, rolling my eyes. “I mean, there’s no hurry, is there?”

June 22nd. Honestly! What is Mum thinking?

Although… I suppose a summer wedding would be nice in theory.

There’s nothing actually stopping us getting married this year.

And if we did make it June, I could start looking at wedding dresses straight away. I could start trying on tiaras. I could start reading Brides! Yes!

“On the other hand,” I add casually, “there’s no real reason to delay, is there? I mean, now we’ve decided, in one sense, we might as well just… do it. Why hang around?”

“Are you sure? Becky, I don’t want you to feel pressured—”

“It’s OK. I’m quite sure. Let’s get married in June!” I give him an exhilarated beam. “Shall we go and register today?”

Oops. That just kind of slipped out.

“Today?” says Luke, looking taken aback. “You’re not serious.”

“Of course not!” I give a lighthearted laugh. “I’m joking! Although, you know, we could go and start looking at a few things, purely for information…”

“Becky, I’m busy today, remember?” He glances at his watch. “In fact, I must get going.”

“Oh yes,” I say, trying to muster some enthusiasm. “Yes, you don’t want to be late, do you?”

Luke’s spending the day with his mother, Elinor, who is over in London on her way to Switzerland. The official version is that she’s going there to stay with some old friends and “enjoy the mountain air.” Of course everyone knows she’s really going to have her face lifted for the zillionth time.

Then this afternoon, Mum, Dad, and I are going up to meet them for tea at Claridges. Everyone has been exclaiming about what a lucky coincidence it is that Elinor’s over here, so the two families will be able to meet. But every time I think about it, my stomach turns over. I wouldn’t mind if it was Luke’s real parents — his dad and stepmum, who are really lovely and live in Devon. But they’ve just gone out to Australia, where Luke’s sister has moved, and they probably won’t be back until just before the wedding. So all we’re left with to represent Luke is Elinor.

Elinor Sherman. My future mother-in-law.

OK… let’s not think about that.

“Luke…” I pause, trying to find the right words. “How do you think it’ll be? Our parents meeting for the first time? You know — your mother… and my mother… I mean, they’re not exactly similar, are they?”

“It’ll be fine! They’ll get on wonderfully, I’m sure.”

He honestly hasn’t a clue what I’m talking about.

I know it’s a good thing that Luke adores his mother. I know sons should love their mothers. And I know he hardly ever saw her when he was tiny, and he’s trying to make up for lost time… but still. How can he be so devoted to Elinor?

As I arrive downstairs in the kitchen, Mum’s tidying up the breakfast things with one hand and holding the portable phone in the other.

“Yes,” she’s saying. “That’s right. Bloomwood, B-l-o-o-m-w-o-o-d. Of Oxshott, Surrey. And you’ll fax that over? Thank you.

“Good.” She puts away the phone and beams at me. “That’s the announcement gone in the Surrey Post.”

“Another announcement? Mum, how many have you done?”

“Just the standard number!” she says defensively. “The Times, the Telegraph, the Oxshott Herald, and the Esher Gazette.”

“And the Surrey Post.”

“Yes. So only… five.”

“Five!”

“Becky, you only get married once!” says Mum.

“I know. But honestly…”

“Now, listen.” Mum is rather pink in the face. “You’re our only daughter, Becky, and we’re not going to spare any expense. We want you to have the wedding of your dreams. Whether it’s the announcements, or the flowers, or a horse and carriage like Suzie had… we want you to have it.”

“Mum, I wanted to talk to you about that,” I say awkwardly. “Luke and I will contribute to the cost—”

“Nonsense!” says Mum briskly. “We wouldn’t hear of it.”

“But—”

“We’ve always hoped we’d be paying for a wedding one day. We’ve been putting money aside especially, for a few years now.”

“Really?” I stare at her, feeling a sudden swell of emotion. Mum and Dad have been saving all this time, and they never said a word. “I… I had no idea.”

“Yes, well. We weren’t going to tell you, were we? Now!” Mum snaps back into businesslike mode. “Did Luke tell you we’ve found a date? You know, it wasn’t easy! Everywhere’s booked up. But I’ve spoken to Peter at the church, he’s had a cancellation, and he can fit us in at three on that Saturday. Otherwise it would be a question of waiting until November.”

“November?” I pull a face. “That’s not very weddingy.”

“Exactly. So I told him to pencil it in. I’ve put it on the calendar, look.”

I glance over at the fridge calendar, which has a different recipe using Nescafé for each month. And sure enough, there in June is a big felt-tipped “BECKY’S WEDDING.”

I stare at it, feeling slightly weird. I am going to get married. It’s something I’ve secretly thought about for so long — and now it really is happening.

“I’ve been having a few ideas about the marquee,” adds Mum. “I saw a beautiful striped one in a magazine somewhere, and I thought, ‘I must show that to Becky…’ ”

She reaches behind her and hauls out a stack of glossy magazines. Brides. Modern Bride. Wedding and Home. All shiny and succulent and inviting, like a plate of sticky doughnuts.

“Gosh!” I say, forcing myself not to reach greedily for one. “I haven’t read any of those bridal things yet. I don’t even know what they’re like!”

“Neither have I,” says Mum at once, as she flicks expertly through an issue of Wedding and Home. “Not properly. I’ve just glanced through for the odd idea. I mean, they’re really just adverts mainly…”

I hesitate, my fingers running over the cover of You and Your Wedding. I can hardly believe I’m actually allowed to read these now. Openly! I don’t have to sidle up to the rack and take tiny, guilty peeks, like stuffing a biscuit into my mouth and all the time wondering if someone will see me.

The habit’s so ingrained I almost can’t break it, even though I’ve got an engagement ring on my finger now.

“I suppose it makes sense to have a very brief look,” I say casually. “You know, just for basic information… just to be aware what’s available…”

Oh, sod it. Mum’s not even listening, anyway, so I might as well give up pretending I’m not going to read every single one of these magazines avidly from cover to cover. Happily I sink into a chair and reach for Brides, and for the next ten minutes we’re both completely silent, gorging on pictures.

“There!” says Mum suddenly. She turns her magazine round so I can see a picture of a billowing white and silver striped marquee. “Isn’t that nice?”

“Very pretty.” I run my gaze down interestedly to the picture of the bridesmaids’ dresses, and the bride’s bouquet… and then my eye comes to rest on the dateline.

“Mum!” I exclaim. “This is from last year! How come you were looking at wedding magazines last year!”

“I’ve no idea!” says Mum shiftly. “I must have… picked it up in a doctor’s waiting room or something. Anyway. Are you getting any ideas?”

“Well… I don’t know,” I say vaguely. “I suppose I just want something simple.”

A vision of myself in a big white dress and sparkly tiara suddenly pops into my head. Getting out of a carriage at St. Paul’s Cathedral… my handsome prince waiting for me… cheering crowds…

OK, stop. I’m not going to go over the top. I’ve already decided that.

“I agree,” Mum is saying. “You want something elegant and tasteful. Oh, look, grapes covered with gold leaf. We could do that!” She turns a page. “Look, identical twin bridesmaids! Don’t they look pretty? Do you know anyone with twins, love?”

“No,” I say regretfully. “I don’t think so. Ooh, you can buy a special wedding countdown alarm clock! And a wedding organizer with matching bridal diary for those special memories. Do you think I should get one of those?”

“Definitely,” says Mum. “If you don’t, you’ll only wish you had.” She puts down her magazine. “You know, Becky, one thing I will say to you is, don’t do this by half-measures. Remember, you only do it once—”

“Hellooo?” We both look up as there’s a tap on the back door. “It’s only me!” Janice’s bright eyes look through the glass, and she gives a little wave. Janice is our next-door neighbor and I’ve known her forever. She’s wearing a floral shirtwaister in a virulent shade of turquoise, and eye shadow to match, and there’s a folder under her arm.

“Janice!” cries Mum. “Come on in and have a coffee.”

“I’d love one,” says Janice. “I’ve brought my Canderel.” She comes in and gives me a hug. “And here’s the special girl! Becky love, congratulations!”

“Thanks,” I say, with a bashful grin.

“Just look at that ring!”

“Two carats,” says Mum at once. “Antique. It’s a family heirloom.”

“A family heirloom!” echoes Janice breathlessly. “Oh, Becky!” She picks up a copy of Modern Bride and gives a wistful little sigh. “But how are you going to organize the wedding, living in New York?”

“Becky doesn’t have to worry about a thing,” says Mum firmly. “I can do it all. It’s traditional, anyway.”

“Well, you know where I am if you want any help,” says Janice. “Have you set a date yet?”

“June 22nd,” says Mum over the shriek of the coffee grinder. “Three o’clock at St. Mary’s.”

“Three o’clock!” says Janice. “Lovely.” She puts down the magazine and gives me a suddenly earnest look. “Now, Becky, there’s something I want to say. To both of you.”

“Oh yes?” I say, slightly apprehensively, and Mum puts down the coffeepot.

Janice takes a deep breath. “It would give me great pleasure to do your wedding makeup. You and the whole bridal party.”

“Janice!” exclaims my mother in delight. “What a kind thought! Think of that, Becky. Professional makeup!”

“Er… fantastic!”

“I’ve learned such a lot on my course, all the tricks of the trade. I’ve got a whole book full of photographs you can browse through, to choose your style. In fact I’ve brought it with me, look!” Janice opens the folder and begins to flip over laminated cards of women who look as though they had their makeup applied during the seventies. “This look is called Prom Princess, for the younger face,” she says breathlessly. “Now, here we have Radiant Spring Bride, with extra-waterproof mascara… Or Cleopatra, if you wanted something more dramatic?”

“Great!” I say feebly. “Perhaps I’ll have a look nearer the time.”

There is no way in a million years I’m letting Janice near my face.

“And you’ll be getting Wendy to do the cake, will you?” asks Janice as Mum puts a cup of coffee in front of her.

“Oh, no question,” says Mum. “Wendy Prince, who lives on Maybury Avenue,” she adds to me. “You remember, she did Dad’s retirement cake with the lawnmower on it? The things that woman can do with a nozzle!”

I remember that cake. The icing was virulent green and the lawnmower was made out of a painted matchbox. You could still see “Swan” through the green.

“You know, there are some really amazing wedding cakes in here,” I say, tentatively holding out an issue of Brides. “From this special place in London. Maybe we could go and have a look.”

“Oh, but love, we have to ask Wendy!” says Mum in surprise. “She’d be devastated if we didn’t. You know her husband’s just had a stroke? Those sugar roses are what’s keeping her going.”

“Oh, right,” I say, putting down the magazine guiltily. “I didn’t know. Well… OK then. I’m sure it’ll be lovely.”

“We were very pleased with Tom and Lucy’s wedding cake.” Janice sighs. “We’ve saved the top tier for the first christening. You know, they’re with us at the moment. They’ll be round to offer their congratulations, I’m sure. Can you believe they’ve been married a year and a half already!”

“Have they?” Mum takes a sip of coffee and gives a brief smile.

Tom and Lucy’s wedding is still a very slightly sore point in our family. I mean, we love Janice and Martin to bits so we never say anything, but to be honest, we’re none of us very keen on Lucy.

“Are there any signs of them…” Mum makes a vague, euphemistic gesture. “Starting a family,” she adds in a whisper.

“Not yet.” Janice’s smile flickers briefly. “Martin and I think they probably want to enjoy each other first. They’re such a happy young couple. They just dote on each other! And of course, Lucy’s got her career—”

“I suppose so,” says Mum consideringly. “Although it doesn’t do to wait too long…”

“Well, I know,” agrees Janice. They both turn to look at me — and suddenly I realize what they’re driving at.

For God’s sake, I’ve only been engaged a day! Give me a chance!

I escape to the garden and wander round for a bit, sipping my coffee. The snow is starting to melt outside, and you can just see patches of green lawn and bits of rosebush. As I pick my way down the gravel path, I find myself thinking how nice it is to be in an English garden again, even if it is a bit cold. Manhattan doesn’t have any gardens like this. There’s Central Park, and there’s the odd little flowery square. But it doesn’t have any proper English gardens, with lawns and trees and flower beds.

I’ve reached the rose arbor and am looking back at the house, imagining what a marquee will look like on the lawn, when suddenly there’s a rumble of conversation from the garden next door. I wonder if it’s Martin, and I’m about to pop my head over the fence and say “Hello!” when a girl’s voice comes clearly over the snow, saying: “Define frigid! Because if you ask me—”

It’s Lucy. And she sounds furious! There’s a mumbled reply, which can only be Tom.

“And you’re such a bloody expert, are you?”

Mumble mumble.

“Oh, give me a break.”

I edge surreptitiously toward the fence, wishing desperately I could hear both sides.

“Yeah, well, maybe if we had more of a life, maybe if you actually organized something once in a blue moon, maybe if we weren’t stuck in such a bloody rut…”

Lucy’s voice is so hectoring. And now Tom’s voice is raised defensively in return.

“We went out to… all you could do was complain… made a real bloody effort…”

Crack!

Shit. Shit. I’ve stepped on a twig.

For an instant I consider running. But it’s too late, their heads have already appeared over the garden fence, Tom’s all pink and distressed, and Lucy’s tight with anger.

“Oh, hi!” I say, trying to look relaxed. “How are you? I’m just… um… having a little stroll… and I dropped my… hanky.”

“Your hanky?” Lucy looks suspiciously at the ground. “I can’t see any hanky.”

“Well… erm… So… how’s married life?”

“Fine,” says Lucy shortly. “Congratulations, by the way.”

“Thanks.”

There’s an awkward pause, and I find myself running my eyes over Lucy’s outfit, taking in her top (black polo-neck, probably M&S), trousers (Earl Jeans, quite cool, actually), and boots (high-heeled with laces, Russell & Bromley).

This is something I’ve always done, checking out people’s clothes and listing them in my mind like on a fashion page. I thought I was the only one who did it. But then I moved to New York — and there, everyone does it. Seriously, everybody. The first time you meet anyone, whether it’s a rich society lady or a doorman, they give you a swift, three-second top-to-toe sweep. You can see them costing your entire outfit to the nearest dollar before they even say hello. I call it the Manhattan Onceover.

“So how’s New York?”

“It’s great! Really exciting… I love my job… it’s such a great place to live!”

“I’ve never been,” says Tom wistfully. “I wanted to go there for our honeymoon.”

“Tom, don’t start that again,” says Lucy sharply. “OK?”

“Maybe I could come and visit,” says Tom. “I could come for the weekend.”

“Er… yes! Maybe! You could both come…” I tail off lamely as Lucy rolls her eyes and stomps toward the house. “Anyway, lovely to see you and I’m glad married life is treating you… er… treating you, anyway.”

I hurry back into the kitchen, dying to tell Mum what I just heard, but it’s empty.

“Hey, Mum!” I call. “I just saw Tom and Lucy!”

I hurry up the stairs, and Mum is halfway down the loft ladder, pulling down a big white squashy bundle all wrapped up in plastic.

“What’s that?” I ask, helping her to get it down.

“Don’t say anything,” she says, with suppressed excitement. “Just…” Her hands are trembling as she unzips the plastic cover. “Just… look!”

“It’s your wedding dress!” I say in astonishment as she pulls out the white frothy lace. “I didn’t know you still had that!”

“Of course I’ve still got it!” She brushes away some sheets of tissue paper. “Thirty years old, but still as good as new. Now, Becky, it’s only a thought…”

“What’s a thought?” I say, helping her to shake out the train.

“It might not even fit you…”

Slowly I look up at her. She’s serious.

“Actually, I don’t think it will,” I say, trying to sound casual. “I’m sure you were much thinner than me! And… shorter.”

“But we’re the same height!” says Mum in puzzlement. “Oh, go on, try it, Becky!”

Five minutes later I stare at myself in the mirror in Mum’s bedroom. I look like a sausage roll in layered frills. The bodice is tight and lacy, with ruffled sleeves and a ruffled neckline. It’s tight down to my hips where there are more ruffles, and then it fans out into a tiered train.

I have never worn anything less flattering in my life.

“Oh, Becky!” I look up — and to my horror, Mum’s in tears. “I’m so silly!” she says, laughing and brushing at her eyes. “It’s just… my little girl, in the dress I wore…”

“Oh, Mum…” Impulsively I give her a hug. “It’s a… a really lovely dress…”

How exactly do I add, But I’m not wearing it?

“And it fits you perfectly,” gulps Mum, and rummages for a tissue. “But it’s your decision.” She blows her nose. “If you don’t think it suits you… just say so. I won’t mind.”

“I… well…”

Oh God.

“I’ll… think about it,” I manage at last, and give Mum a lame smile.

We put the wedding dress back in its bag, and have some sandwiches for lunch, and watch an old episode of Changing Rooms on the new cable telly Mum and Dad have had installed. And then, although it’s a bit early, I go upstairs and start getting ready to see Elinor. Luke’s mother is one of those Manhattan women who always look completely and utterly immaculate, and today of all days I want to match her in the smartness stakes.

I put on the DKNY suit I bought myself for Christmas, brand-new tights, and my new Prada sample sale shoes. Then I survey my appearance carefully, looking all over for specks or creases. I’m not going to be caught out this time. I’m not going to have a single stray thread or crumpled bit which her beady X-ray eyes can zoom in on.

I’ve just about decided that I look OK, when Mum comes busting into my bedroom. She’s dressed smartly in a purple Windsmoor suit and her face is glowing with anticipation.

“How do I look?” she says with a little laugh. “Smart enough for Claridges?”

“You look lovely, Mum! That color really suits you. Let me just…”

I reach for a tissue, dampen it under the tap, and wipe at her cheeks where she’s copied Janice’s badger-look approach to blusher.

“There. Perfect.”

“Thank you, darling!” Mum peers at herself in the wardrobe mirror. “Well, this will be nice. Meeting Luke’s mother at last.”

“Mmm,” I say noncommittally.

“I expect we’ll get to be quite good friends! What with getting together over the wedding preparations… You know, Margot across the road is such good friends with her son-in-law’s mother, they take holidays together. She says she hasn’t lost a daughter, she’s gained a friend!”

Mum sounds really excited. How can I prepare her for the truth?

“And Elinor certainly sounds lovely! The way Luke describes her. He seems so fond of her!”

“Yes, he is,” I admit grudgingly. “Incredibly fond.”

“He was telling us this morning about all the wonderful charity work she does. She must have a heart of gold!”

As Mum prattles on, I tune out and remember a conversation I had with Luke’s stepmum, Annabel, when she and his dad came out to visit us.

I completely adore Annabel. She’s very different from Elinor, much softer and quieter, but with a lovely smile that lights up her whole face. She and Luke’s father live in a sleepy area of Devon near the beach, and I really wish we could spend more time with them. But Luke left home at eighteen, and he hardly ever goes back. In fact, I get the feeling he thinks his father slightly wasted his life by settling down as a provincial lawyer, instead of conquering the world.

When they came to New York, Annabel and I ended up having an afternoon alone together. We walked around Central Park talking about loads of different things, and it seemed as though no subject was off-limits. So at last I took a deep breath and asked her what I’ve always wanted to know — which is how she can stand Luke being so dazzled by Elinor. I mean, Elinor may be his biological mother, but Annabel has been there for him all his life. She was the one who looked after him when he was ill and helped him with his homework and cooked his supper every night. And now she’s been pushed aside.

For an instant I could see the pain in Annabel’s face. But then she kind of smiled and said she completely understood it. That Luke had been desperate to know his real mother since he was a tiny child, and now that he was getting the chance to spend time with her, he should be allowed to enjoy it.

“Imagine your fairy godmother came along,” she said. “Wouldn’t you be dazzled? Wouldn’t you forget about everyone else for a while? He needs this time with her.”

“She’s not his fairy godmother!” I retorted. “She’s the wicked old witch!”

“Becky, she’s his natural mother,” Annabel said, with a gentle reproof. Then she changed the subject. She wouldn’t bitch about Elinor, or anything.

Annabel is a saint.

“It’s such a shame they didn’t get to see each other while Luke was growing up!” Mum is saying. “What a tragic story.” She lowers her voice, even though Luke’s left the house. “Luke was telling me only this morning how his mother was desperate to take him with her to America. But her new American husband wouldn’t allow it! Poor woman. She must have been in misery. Leaving her child behind!”

“Well, yes, maybe,” I say, feeling a slight rebellion. “Except… she didn’t have to leave, did she? If she was in so much misery, why didn’t she tell the new husband where to go?”

Mum looks at me in surprise. “That’s very harsh, Becky.”

“Oh… I suppose so.” I give a little shrug and reach for my lip liner.

I don’t want to stir things up before we even begin. So I won’t say what I really think, which is that Elinor never showed any interest in Luke until his PR company started doing so well in New York. Luke has always been desperate to impress her — in fact, that’s the real reason he expanded to New York in the first place, though he won’t admit it. But she completely ignored him, like the cow she is, until he started winning a few really big contracts and being mentioned in the papers and she suddenly realized he could be useful to her. Just before Christmas, she started her own charity — the Elinor Sherman Foundation — and made Luke a director. Then she had a great big gala concert to launch it — and guess who spent about twenty-five hours a day helping her out with it until he was so exhausted, Christmas was a complete washout?

But I can’t say anything to him about it. When I once brought up the subject, Luke got all defensive and said I’d always had a problem with his mother (which is kind of true) and she was sacrificing loads of her time to help the needy and what more did I want, blood?

To which I couldn’t really find a reply.

“She’s probably a very lonely woman,” Mum is musing. “Poor thing, all on her own. Living in her little flat. Does she have a cat to keep her company?”

“Mum…” I put a hand to my head. “Elinor doesn’t live in a ‘little flat.’ It’s a duplex on Park Avenue.”

“A duplex? What — like a maisonette?” Mum pulls a sympathetic little face. “Oh, but it’s not the same as a nice house, is it?”

Oh, I give up. There’s no point.

As we walk into the foyer at Claridges, it’s full of smart people having tea. Waiters in gray jackets are striding around with green and white striped teapots, and everyone’s chattering brightly and I can’t see Luke or Elinor anywhere. As I peer around, I’m seized by sudden hope. Maybe they’re not here. Maybe Elinor couldn’t make it! We can just go and have a nice cup of tea on our own! Thank God for—

“Becky?”

I swivel round — and my heart sinks. There they are, on a sofa in the corner. Luke’s wearing that radiant expression he gets whenever he sees his mother, and Elinor’s sitting on the edge of her seat in a houndstooth suit trimmed with fur. Her hair is a stiff lacquered helmet and her legs, encased in pale stockings, seem to have got even thinner. She looks up, apparently expressionless — but I can see from the flicker of her eyelids that she’s giving both Mum and Dad the Manhattan Onceover.

“Is that her?” whispers Mum in astonishment, as we give our coats in. “Goodness! She’s very… young!”

“No, she’s not,” I mutter. “She’s had a lot of help.”

Mum gazes at me incomprehendingly for a moment before the penny drops. “You mean… she’s had a face-lift?”

“Not just one. So keep off the subject, OK?”

We both stand waiting as Dad hands in his coat, and I can see Mum’s mind working, digesting this new piece of information, trying to fit it in somewhere.

“Poor woman,” she says suddenly. “It must be terrible, to feel so insecure. That’s living in America for you, I’m sure.”

As we approach the sofa, Elinor looks up and her mouth extends by three millimeters, which is her equivalent to a smile.

“Good afternoon, Rebecca. And felicitations on your engagement. Most unexpected.”

What’s that supposed to mean?

“Thanks very much!” I say, forcing a smile. “Elinor, I’d like to introduce my parents, Jane and Graham Bloomwood.”

“How do you do?” says Dad with a friendly smile, and holds out his hand. He looks so distinguished in his dark gray suit, I feel a twinge of pride. He’s actually very handsome, my dad, even though his hair is going a bit gray.

“Graham, don’t stand on ceremony!” exclaims Mum. “We’re going to be family now!” Before I can stop her she’s enveloping a startled Elinor in a hug. “We’re so pleased to meet you, Elinor! Luke’s told us all about you!” As she stands up again I see she’s rumpled Elinor’s collar, and can’t help giving a tiny giggle.

“Isn’t this nice?” Mum continues as she sits down. “Very grand!” She looks around, her eyes bright. “Now, what are we going to have? A nice cup of tea, or something stronger to celebrate?”

“Tea, I think,” says Elinor. “Luke…”

“I’ll go and sort it out,” says Luke, leaping to his feet.

I hate the way he behaves around his mother. Normally he’s so strong and assured. But with Elinor it’s as though she’s the president of some huge multinational and he’s some junior minion. He hasn’t even said hello to me yet.

“Now, Elinor,” says Mum. “I’ve brought you a little something. I saw them yesterday and I couldn’t resist!”

She pulls out a package wrapped in gold paper and hands it to Elinor. A little stiffly, Elinor takes off the paper — and pulls out a blue padded notebook, with the words “His Mum” emblazoned on the front in swirly silver writing. She stares at it as though Mum’s presented her with a dead rat.

“I’ve got a matching one!” says Mum triumphantly. She reaches in her bag and brings out an equivalent “Her Mum” notebook, in pink. “They’re called the Mums’ Planning Kit! There’s a space for us to write in our menus, guest l ists… color schemes… and here’s a plastic pocket for swatches, look… This way we can keep coordinated! And this is the ideas page… I’ve already jotted down a few thoughts, so if you want to contribute anything… or if there’s any particular food you like… The point is, we want you to be involved as much as possible.” She pats Elinor’s hand. “In fact, if you’d like to come and stay for a while, so we could really get to know each other…”

“My schedule is rather full, I’m afraid,” says Elinor with a wintry smile as Luke reappears, holding his mobile.

“The tea’s on its way. And… I’ve just had rather a nice phone call.” He looks around with a suppressed smile. “We’ve just landed NorthWest Bank as a client. We’re going to manage the launch of an entire new retail division. It’s going to be huge.”

“Luke!” I exclaim. “That’s wonderful!”

Luke’s been wooing NorthWest for absolutely ages, and last week he admitted he’d thought he’d lost them to another agency. So this is really fantastic.

“Well done, Luke,” says Dad.

“That’s brilliant, love!” chimes in Mum.

The only one who hasn’t said anything is Elinor. She’s not even paying attention, but looking in her Hermès bag.

“What do you think, Elinor?” I say deliberately. “It’s good news, isn’t it?”

“I hope this won’t interfere with your work for the foundation,” she says, and snaps her bag shut.

“It shouldn’t,” says Luke easily.

“Of course, Luke’s work for your foundation is voluntary,” I point out sweetly. “Whereas this is his business.”

“Indeed.” Elinor gives me a stony look. “Well, Luke, if you don’t have time—”

“Of course I’ve got time,” says Luke, shooting me a glance of annoyance. “It won’t be a problem.”

Great. Now they’re both pissed off with me.

Mum has been watching this exchange in slight bewilderment, and as the tea arrives her face clears in relief.

“Just what the doctor ordered!” she exclaims as a waiter places a teapot and silver cake stand on our table. “Elinor, shall I pour for you?”

“Have a scone,” says Dad heartily to Elinor. “And some clotted cream?”

“I don’t think so.” Elinor shrinks slightly as though cream particles might be floating through the air and invading her body. She takes a sip of tea, then looks at her watch. “I must go, I’m afraid.”

“What?” Mum looks up in surprise. “Already?”

“Luke, could you fetch the car?”

“Absolutely,” says Luke, draining his cup.

“What?” Now it’s my turn to stare. “Luke, what’s going on?”

“I’m going to drive my mother to the airport,” says Luke.

“Why? Why can’t she take a taxi?”

As the words come out of my mouth I realize I sound a bit rude — but honestly. This was supposed to be a nice family meeting. We’ve only been here about three seconds.

“There are some things I need to discuss with Luke,” says Elinor, picking up her handbag. “We can do so in the car.” She stands up and brushes an imaginary crumb off her lap. “So nice to meet you,” she says to Mum.

“You too!” exclaims Mum, leaping up in a last-ditch attempt at friendliness. “Lovely to meet you, Elinor! I’ll get your number from Becky and we can have some nice chats about what we’re going to wear! We don’t want to clash with each other, do we?”

“Indeed,” says Elinor, glancing at Mum’s shoes. “Good-bye, Rebecca.” Elinor nods at Dad. “Graham.”

“Good-bye, Elinor,” says Dad in an outwardly polite voice — but as I glance at him I can tell he’s not at all impressed. “See you later, Luke.” As they disappear through the doors, he looks at his watch. “Twelve minutes.”

“What do you mean?” says Mum.

“That’s how long she gave us.”

“Graham! I’m sure she didn’t mean…” Mum breaks off as she notices the blue “His Mum” book, still lying on the table amid the wrapping paper. “Elinor’s left her wedding planner behind!” she cries, grabbing it. “Becky, run after her.”

“Mum…” I take a deep breath. “I wouldn’t bother. I’m not sure she’s that interested.”

“I wouldn’t count on her for any help,” says Dad. He reaches for the clotted cream and piles a huge amount onto his scone.

“Oh.” Mum looks from my face to Dad’s — then slowly subsides into her seat, clutching the book. “Oh, I see.”

She takes a sip of tea, and I can see her struggling hard to think of something nice to say.

“Well… she probably just doesn’t want to interfere!” she says at last. “It’s completely understandable.”

But even she doesn’t look that convinced. God, I hate Elinor.

“Mum, let’s finish our tea,” I say. “And then why don’t we go to the sales?”

“Yes,” says Mum after a pause. “Yes, let’s do that! Now you mention it, I could do with some new gloves.” She takes a sip of tea and looks more cheerful. “And perhaps a nice bag.”

“We’ll have a lovely time,” I say, and squeeze her arm. “Just us.”

FRANTON, BINTON AND OGLEBY

Attorneys At Law

739 Third Avenue

Suit 503

New York, NY 10017

Miss Rebecca Bloomwood

251 W. 11th Street, Apt. B

New York, NY 10014

February 11, 2002

Dear Miss Bloomwood:

May we be the very first to congratulate you on your engagement to Mr. Luke Brandon, the report of which we saw in The New York Observer. This must be a very happy time for you, and we send you our wholehearted good wishes.

We are sure that at this time, you will be inundated with many unwanted, even tasteless offers. However, we offer a unique and personal service to which we would like to draw your attention.

As divorce lawyers with over 30 years’ experience between us, we know the difference a good attorney can make. Let us all hope and pray that you and Mr. Brandon never reach that painful moment. But if you do, we are specialists in the following areas:

• Contesting prenuptial agreements

• Negotiating alimony

• Obtaining court injunctions

• Uncovering information (with the help of our in-house private detective)

We do not ask that you contact us now. Simply place this letter with your other wedding memorabilia — and should the need arise you will know where we are.

Many congratulations again!

Ernest P. Franton

Associate Partner

ANGELS OF ETERNAL PEACE CEMETERY

Westchester Hills, Westchester County, New York

Miss Rebecca Bloomwood

251 W. 11th Street, Apt. B

New York, NY 10014

February 13, 2002

Dear Miss Bloomwood:

May we be the very first to congratulate you on your engagement to Mr. Luke Brandon, the report of which we saw in The New York Observer. This must be a very happy time for you, and we send you our wholehearted good wishes.

We are sure that at this time, you will be inundated with many unwanted, even tasteless offers. However, we offer a unique and personal service to which we would like to draw your attention.

A wedding gift with a difference.

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A pair of plots in the prestigious Garden of Redemption is currently available at the special offer price of $6,500. Why not add it to your wedding list — and let your loved ones give you the gift that will truly last forever?^**

Again, many congratulations, and may you have a long and blissful married life together.

Hank Hamburg

Director of Sales

*In case of divorce, plots can be moved to opposite sides of cemetery.

** Hamburg Family Mortuaries, Inc., reserves the right to reallocate grave space, giving 30 days’ notice in the event of redevelopment of the land (see attached terms and conditions).