Something M.Y.T.H. Inc.

FIFTEEN

"You're sure about this?" I sez, starin' at the sporting goods shop.

"As sure as one can be about anything without a full confession," Pookie sez.

It occurs to me that I could tell her a thing or two about confessions, but I let it pass. Such discussions would only confuse the issues at hand.

We were back at the Sherwood Arms subdivision, where Nunzio and I caught up with Pookie, Spyder, and Chumley. While I couldn't tell them the exact nature of our assignment from the Boss, I felt it was necessary to let them know we was in the area, just so's we didn't look suspicious if we ran into them by accident. All I said was things was heatin' up back at the palace, and that it would be best if we could conclude our business with the bandits in the forest ASAP so's we could get back and give the Boss our undivided attention. Chumley gave me a bit of the fish-eye, but Pookie and Spyder bought the explanation without question.

As it turned out, however, they had developed a solid lead on the bandits.

"Tell me again how you figured this out," I sez.

"Actually, it was Spyder who came up with it," Pookie sez. "Why don't you explain it, little sister?"

"It was nothing, really," Spyder sez. "I got to thinking about the fact that they were attacking the tax collectors with bows. Unless you're real good with one of those things, that means a lot of arrows, and unless you're big on making the things yourself, that means a supply source. Remember how many crossbow bolts we had on stock when we were running the supply depot?"

I just nodded and gestured for her to continue.

"Well, I did a little checking around, and it seems the only place that stocks arrows in quantity in these parts is that shop you were in the first time we were here."

"That would explain why that guy was so closed-mouthed when you leaned on him, Guido," Pookie put in. "If he's making money supplying the bandits, the last thing he would want would be for us to shut them down."

"There's more to it than that," Spyder sez. "We've been keeping a watch on the place and there's about half a dozen guys who are in and out of there all the time. They aren't purchasing or delivering anything. It's like they're meeting or getting assignments or something."

"You're sure they haven't spotted you staking the place out?" Nunzio sez.

"Not a chance, old boy," Chumley puts in. "We've been taking turns and using disguise spells to alter our appearance. They're blissfully ignorant that we're onto them."

"They got any kind of a schedule on these meetin's?" I sez.

"Nothing regular," Pookie sez. "But there's a bunch of them in there right now."

That's all I need to hear.

"Well, Nunzio," I sez, settling my weapons on my belt, "let's you and me wander over there and have a little chat with them."

"You want some help or any kind of disguises?" Pookie sez.

"I think we'll play this as a come-as-you-are-party," I sez. "The rest of you stay out of sight for now. If our play doesn't work, it'll be your turn next."

"Are you sure this is such a good idea? Us taking them on with just the two of us?" Nunzio sez to me under his breath as we cross the streets.

"It may not be the best play," I sez, "but it's the only way we can play it without lettin' the others know about the orders we got from the Boss."

"When he told us to give away the gold, I don't think he meant we should have people take it off our corpses," Nunzio points out.

"Relax, cousin," I sez. "You'll see. This is strictly amateur hour. These suburb guys are even softer than the city-street types we're used to leanin' on. Just run the standard hard stare on 'em and we shouldn't have any problems. Here we go."

Now, there are two ways of flexin' one's muscles when bracin' a person or place: hard, and soft. The first time I hit this place with Pookie and Spyder, we was usin' the 'soft' technique. That is, we talked soft, smiled a lot, and handled things gentle, all of which emphasized the fact that we could have been a lot rougher if we chose.

Now, I figured it was time to use the 'hard' approach.

Standin' in front of the door, I take a deep breath, then raise my arms and slap it hard with both hands. Said door responds by flyin' open noisily. (The fact that it stays on its hinges is a tribute to its solid construction rather than an indication that I'm losin' my strength.) Before the sound dies away, I walk through the resultin' openin' with Nunzio crowdin' close behind me.

If there is any doubt in my mind as to whether Pookie is correct in her deductions, it is dispelled by the reactions of the guys inside. The whole group freezes in place, and in genera] look about guilty as gamblers in a protected bookie joint when an unbought cop walks in.

The guy I talked to on my first visit is behind the counter, and I fix him with a hard stare.

"Remember me?" I sez.

"Umm ... Sure. You're the guy who was in here before with a couple ... friends. Right?" he stammers.

"Close, but no cigar," I sez, makin my way slowly up to the assemblage. "I'm the guy you was gonna find out some information for. Information about the bandits in the forest. Ring a bell?"

"Umm ... We'll be going now, Robb," one of the guys in the shop sez, edgin' toward the door.

"I don't think so," I sez. "Nunzio!"

"Got 'em, Guido," my cousin sez, leanin' in the doorway.

The group of guys looks at him, then take up a position as far as they can get from either Nunzio or myself.

I turns back to the guy behind the counter.

"You was about to say?"

"Uh... Of course," he sez, backin' away from the counter. "I've done some asking around, and ..."

"From what I've heard, you wouldn't have had to ask to far now, would you?" I sez, leanin' on the counter and showin' a few teeth. "Like, no farther than who's standin' in this shop right now. Am I right?"

"Well... um ..." the guy stammers.

I hold up a hand to silence him.

"Before you say anythin'," I sez. "Let's be sure we understand each other. Now, by this time you have figured out that, in our line of work, my colleague and I occasionally have to hurt people. Right?"

He nods vigorously.

"That's part of the job, and we do it. Nothin' personal." I leans in a little closer. "If, however, said hurtee has insulted my intelligence by lyin' to me, then it makes me mad and I do take it personally. Know what I mean?"

The guy swallows hard, then nods again.

"Now, keepin' that in mind, let's continue the conversation. I was sayin' that you wouldn't have to ask further than the guys here in the shop to get information about the bandits in the forest, and you was about to agree. Right?"

The guy looks at his friends, then he looks at Nunzio and me, then drops his eyes and nods.

"I didn't quite hear mat," I sez.

The guy nods more vigorously.

I look over at Nunzio, who kind of shrugs helplessly.

This could take a while. Unfortunately, we don't have whole bunches of time. If we don't settle this quick, the other team members are gonna come lookin' for us.

Tell you what... Robb, is it?" I sez. "What say I just tell you what's been goin' on, and you just point out any parts that I get wrong. Okay?"

Again, the weak nod.

"First off, we know you and your buddies here are involved with the bandits," I sez. "Whether mis here is the whole gang or you're just a part of it doesn't matter right now. For our purposes, you're it. Right?"

Swallow and nod.

"What's more," I sez, "the way we've got it figured, you've been usin' part of the loot to pay off me locals hereabouts so they'll cover for you."

"No, we haven't," me guy sez, finally findin' his voice.

"Excuse me?" I sez, cockin' an eyebrow at him.

"Paying off the locals, I mean," he sez, quick-like. "I won't say it isn't a good idea, but it never occurred to us. We've been keeping it all."

This presents a problem. I mean, our whole idea of lookin' these jokers up is to use them to redistribute the Boss's gold. Clearly I am gonna have to think of a way to revise our plan whilst in mid-negotiation.

"Whatever," I sez. "Now, what we're lookin' for here is a plan so's we can all eat out of the same bowl. Like, say, maybe we finance your operation in exchange for a small percentage of the take."

"Don't do it, Robb."

The guy now talkin' is a skinny, red-headed dude who is suddenly lookin' very serious instead of scared.

"Why not, Will?" sez Robb. "It could be the perfect solution to our ... predicament."

"It would be putting our head in a noose," the redhead sez. "So far, all they have is hearsay. If we accept money from them, then it's a clear admission of what we're doing, and they'll have grounds to arrest us. If we try to say that we were just kidding, then they can nail us for fraud. Either way, taking their money would be a bad idea."

It occurs to me that this guy is soundin' a lot like a lawyer, which is a whole different sub-species of bandit than the type I had been figurin' on dealin' with.

"And what about the Game Preserve?" puts in another of the group.

"What about it?" I sez, now thoroughly confused.

"You know, the plans to sell the Royal Game Preserve off to the lumber companies," he sez.

"What plans?" I sez. "You know anything about this, Nunzio?

"It's news to me," Nunzio sez. "Sounds like the kind of thing that Grimble would come up with, though. Odds are the Boss doesn't even know about it, what with all the stuff they've been having him sign."

"There! You see! I knew it!" the red-head chimes in. "These guys are working for the kingdom. This whole act has been nothing but a sting operation. It's a clear case of entrapment."

This meetin' has gotten completely out of control. It comes to me that there is only one way out of this mess. "Shaddup, alla youse!" I bellow.

Everybody freezes and looks at me.

"I am hereby declarin' all of youse to be members of the Sherwood Arms Grievance Committee. What's more," I pause to give them all a smile, "your first duty is to accompany us back to the Royal Palace so's you can present your problems to the Boss ... I mean, the Great Skeeve personally."