Split Image

5

SUNNY DECIDED TO VISIT the Renewal on her own. She had an address, and she knew it was in the neighborhood. She walked up the low-rise of Front Street from the wharf, along the harbor front. Jesse was so much like her ex-husband. Both of them contained, and interior, and physically competent. Both of them, maybe, a little dangerous. Her father was like that, too. She smiled.

What a coincidence, I'm attracted to men like my father.

But all that competence and grace, she thought, was exterior, and inside-confusion. At least in Jesse's case. At least about love.

Most of the houses along this stretch of waterfront in the oldest part of town looked as if they'd been rehabbed recently by people with money. They didn't seem very interesting from the street side. They all appeared oriented toward the harbor.

An ocean view, Sunny thought, like our first house… It wasn't that far from here… I wonder what Richie is like inside.

She stopped walking.

I don't know, she thought. I have no idea… I have no idea what Richie was, or is, like inside… Daddy, either… Except I know Daddy loves me… I think maybe Richie does, too… or did… I know more about Jesse than I know about anyone… That has to mean something.

A white-haired woman passed, walking an energetic beagle.

"Are you all right, miss?" the lady said.

Sunny nodded.

"Yes, ma'am," Sunny said. "Thank you. I was just thinking."

"Oh, my," the lady said. "We mustn't do too much of that." Sunny smiled at her.

"No," Sunny said, "we probably shouldn't."

The beagle scrabbled on the sidewalk at the end of the leash.

"Oh, all right, Sally," the woman said to the dog, and let the beagle pull her off toward town.

Sunny looked after them. She'd had to put her dog down a year and a half ago.

I miss my Rose, she thought.

She began to walk again, but slowly, as if she had no destination.

But I know a lot about what Jesse is like inside, more than I know about my father or the man I married… except I don't know if he loves me… or can.

The smell of the harbor was strong. She couldn't see much of it because the houses were very close along here; waterfront property was very expensive, no reason to waste any. She shook her head and laughed to herself without humor.

Of course, I don't know if I love him… or can.

Ahead of her was the uninteresting back of a gray shingled house that was right up against the sidewalk. There were a few small windows and a blank red door that faced the street. On the door was the number 17 in brass. The address of the Bond of the Renewal. When she reached the door, Sunny stopped and looked at it. There was a tiny passageway on each side of the house, which separated it from the adjacent houses. Sunny estimated she could turn sideways and get through, but she was pretty sure Spike couldn't.

Do I want to go in there now… No, I don't… Do I want to swap small talk with the Renewal… Not today… Right now I want to walk along the street some more and think of how fucked-up Jesse's life is… and mine… and pretty much everything goddamned else.

She turned and walked back toward the Gray Gull at the foot of the long gradual downhill return.

I think all I ever understood was Rosie.