Standing On Top

Chapter 17a

Heritage, California

October 31, 1989

The sound of knocking, gentle but insistent, woke Jake up. He slowly opened his eyes, feeling the familiar dryness in his throat, the mild pounding in his temples, that came from drinking a few too many the night before. He took in the wood paneling that surrounded him, the ceiling that was only eight feet above his head, the tight confines of the bedroom. It was both alien and nostalgically familiar to him, as was the surface he was lying upon. He was in the bedroom he had grown up in, in his parent's house, in the bed that they had bought for him back in 1974 or so, a super-twin that was too short for his fully-grown legs.

"Jake?" his father's voice called through the closed door. "It's eight o'clock. Time to get up. Mom has breakfast cooking."

"Wow," Jake whispered, shaking his head in awe, a powerful sense of déjà vu sweeping over him. He had heard those words in this bed from that man hundreds of times in the past, usually on Sunday mornings when he was a child. The smells were even the same — the odor of bacon frying, bread toasting, coffee brewing. From outside the window above his head he could hear the chirping of birds and the rustling of branches from the old elm tree as they blew in the gentle morning breeze.

"Jake?" his dad called, giving a few more knocks. "Are you in there?"

"I'm here, Dad," he called back, intensifying the sensation. "I'll be out in a few minutes."

"Right," his dad said. "Breakfast in twenty minutes."

Nerdly's wedding was today, the reception of the semi-traditional Jewish ceremony beginning at one o'clock in the community center hall of Heritage's McAndrew's Park. Jake had flown his plane to Heritage yesterday afternoon and had spent the night in his old bedroom for the first time in almost twelve years. He could have stayed in a hotel room, of course, but Rabbi Mark Levenstein — the Cohen family rabbi who had been flown in from Los Angeles to officiate over the ceremony — had asked that both Nerdly and Jake, Nerdly's best man (as much as such a thing existed in a Jewish wedding) stay in their respective parents' houses, in their old rooms, as a symbolic gesture of the sanctity of the family. The rabbi was a very likable man — and a good sport, since he agreed to wear a Star Trek Next Generation outfit like the rest of the wedding party — and the request was both sincere and heartfelt enough that both Jake and Nerdly agreed to honor it.

And so now, here Jake was, waking up after a late night pounding beers with his father while watching sports highlights on cable television, feeling perhaps the eeriest sensation of déjà vu he'd ever experienced. Little had changed in the room since he'd moved out at the age of eighteen. They had never turned it into a storage room or a sewing room or an office. They had maintained it instead as a rarely used guest room. The walls were the same, the bed was the same, the furniture was the same. All that was missing were the rock star posters and album covers that had once covered the walls like wallpaper.

One thing was markedly different, however. There was a naked female body curled up next to him. Though he had gotten laid in this bed more than once as a teenager (and a couple of times in his parent's bed as well), he had never had a girl actually stay the night with him. He reached out and caressed Helen's shoulder, gently waking her, taking comfort from the reality of her presence.

"Wazzit?" she mumbled, her eyes slowly opening. She had pounded a few beers the night before as well (the promise of temperance she'd made after her three-day hangover had long since been revoked) and was a little fuzzy on the uptake.

"Breakfast," Jake told her. "In twenty minutes."

"Breakfast?" she moaned. "I don't know about that."

"And coffee, and juice too," he added.

She yawned, stretching out her body a little. The sheet fell away from her chest, showing her bare breasts. Jake admired the way her stretching pushed them outward. "I guess that sounds good," she muttered.

He leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. She did not resist or even passively submit. She kissed him back — a long, wet, sweet kiss full of affection.

"That was nice," he told her, stroking her hair.

"Yes," she said with a slight smile. "It was."

"I had a great time last night," he told her. "You were very... uh... passionate."

"I guess I was just in the mood this time," she said.

"I guess you were," he replied, kissing her again.

Jake wasn't sure what had suddenly come over Helen of late, but he certainly wasn't complaining. Their relationship had seemed to be spiraling down the toilet for the past three months, ever since Jenny Johansen had made her attempt on Helen's life. Though Johansen had not been seen or heard from since (the private investigator Jake had hired to keep tabs on her reported she had lost her job and was currently living in a welfare apartment near downtown), Helen's paranoia had never gone away. She still packed a gun wherever she went and obsessively locked herself in her house whenever she wasn't at work. And, until a few days ago, she seemed to have lost all interest in Jake as a person, as a lover, as a friend.

Ever since Jake's trip to New Zealand to get the ball rolling on his plot of isolated land, this spiral had seemed to increase in speed and volume. Though his transgression with Mindy Snow on the way home had not been discovered — by the press, by Helen, or by anyone else as far as he knew — the change in Helen when he'd arrived back home had been too stark to ignore, too severe to simply pass off as imagination. There had never been anything like overt hatred. That, at least, Jake probably could have dealt with. No, her attitude toward him since then had been an almost rabid indifference, as if he mattered little to her, as if she didn't care if he lived or died, showed up to see her or didn't. The sex life had ground to a complete and total standstill. She would still kiss him on occasion, but they were chaste kisses of the sort reserved for a sibling. She would offer to let him have sex with her, but it was always clear that she didn't really want to, that she planned no active participation in the event.

It had gotten to the point just a few days before that they hadn't seen each other in almost two weeks, that they hadn't even spoken on the phone in eight days. Jake had been starting to wonder if they'd silently broken up and he started mourning her loss. Helen was more than just a girlfriend to him. He loved her. He loved her more than he'd ever loved a woman before and it hurt him to think that it was over.

And then, just two days ago, Sunday afternoon, he landed his plane at Brannigan airport after a weekend trip to Heritage where he'd been rehearsing a musical number that he, his mother, and Nerdly's mother were planning to perform at the after-ceremony wedding festivities. After pushing his plane into its hangar, shouldering his overnight bag, and preparing to make the long trek to his car for the even longer drive home, he found Helen there, standing before him.

"Hi," she said brightly, leaning in and giving him a kiss on the mouth. "How was your flight?"

He looked at her strangely. This was the first time in two weeks he'd seen her, the first time in months he'd heard anything like animation in her voice, and she was acting like none of it had ever happened. "It was uh... fine," he told her. "I was rehearsing the song we're going to do at the wedding."

"How is it coming out?" she asked.

"I think we got it down," he said carefully. "I hope so, anyway. That was the last time before the wedding that we'll get to practice it."

"It's very sweet of you to write a song to play at Nerdly's wedding," she said. "And to play it with your mom and Nerdly's mom... I can't wait to hear it."

"You can't?"

"Nope," she said. "I've never heard you mom play her violin before."

Jake chewed his lips for a moment. "So... uh... you're still planning on coming to the wedding with me?" he asked her.

"Well, of course I am," she said, as if wondering why he would even suggest to the contrary. "I'm part of the wedding party, aren't I? I'm Sharon's maid of honor."

"Oh... well... okay then," he said. "I'd just assumed that... you know... after the last few weeks, that..."

She dismissed the last two weeks with a wave of her hand. "I wouldn't miss it for the world," she said. "A Jewish Star Trek wedding? There's no way I'm not gonna see this."

They'd gone out to dinner that night at a restaurant of his choosing. She didn't have her gun with her, didn't check the parking lot before getting out of the car, didn't even check behind them to see if they were followed. She remained bubbly and animated, almost like the old Helen. They had a great time and went back to Jake's house after. There, they spent the better part of two hours making steamy, passionate love in Jake's bed. Helen was a most enthusiastic participant in the activity.

The only sour spot in her seemingly miraculous transformation was her refusal to talk about any subject that was even remotely related to the problems they'd had. She refused to even admit that there had been any problems. She would change the subject, sometimes forcibly, whenever such a topic was brought up. It was like she was trying to pretend that the last three months had been nothing but blissful splendor, the time of their lives.

Jake actually found himself feeling uneasy at times about her return to the old Helen. What had happened to her? Had she simply kicked the funk she'd been immersed in and decided to go back to living life? Had someone — her father or perhaps Sharon or Pauline — had a talk with her and told her that she was driving on an express lane to the destruction of her relationship and possibly her sanity? Or was there something else going on? Some new stage to the breakdown she was undergoing?

Whatever it was, she'd climbed into Jake's plane with him late yesterday morning and took her position in the co-pilot's chair while Coop, Pauline, and Charlie sat in the back seats (Matt flew commercial to Heritage, Darren had simply refused to go to the wedding at all, and Nerdly himself had already been in Heritage since Saturday night). The two and a half hour flight had been pleasant enough and Helen had participated enthusiastically in the conversation as it had passed around the plane. She remained pleasant and talkative as they'd eaten dinner last night with Jake's parents and had stayed up late with Jake and his dad, drinking beer, commenting on the NFL season currently underway (she was of the ludicrous opinion that the 49ers were going to take their second straight Super Bowl this year) and the recently ended baseball season. That night, when they climbed into Jake's cramped adolescent bed, they had screwed quietly but enthusiastically for the better part of an hour before dropping off into a solid, though slightly uncomfortable slumber.

And now, as she got out of that bed stark naked, her hair in disarray, her eyes slightly bloodshot and bleary, her head probably pounding with a moderate beer hangover, she seemed as chipper as ever.

"Do we have time to shower before we go down?" she asked.

"Only if we do it together," he said with a smile.

She smiled back. "We'd better get at it then," she told him.

They put on robes and gathered up the sweats and t-shirts they planned to wear until it was time to dress for the wedding. After a quick check to make sure the coast was clear, they walked down the hallway to the upstairs bathroom and slipped inside. The shower was a standard tub/shower combo with a simple vinyl curtain across it. The water pressure was about half of what Jake was used to. Nevertheless, they stepped inside and spent a few glorious minutes soaping each other's bodies and washing each other's hair. As they rinsed off the last of the soap, Jake grasped her from behind, putting his arms around her middle and cupping her wet breasts beneath the spray. She leaned her head to the right and he started kissing her neck.

"Mmmm," she moaned softly, her hand reaching back to grasp his erection. "Do we have time for a quick one before we go down?"

They really didn't, but Jake elected to make the time. Helen bent over at the waist and he mounted her from behind, driving himself in and out of her quickly, forcefully until he shot off inside of her. She came just as he did, sending a spray of her warm juices down over his thighs.

The hot water was just starting to go cold when they finally stepped out. They quickly dried off, put their clothes on, picked up their towels and robes for the laundry basket, and headed downstairs. Breakfast was already on the table, cooling rapidly. Tom and Mary Kingsley gave their houseguests a few knowing looks and a few raised eyebrows but said nothing.

Jake, as the de facto best man for the groom, had procured limousines for the entire wedding party and made sure that they would all arrive at McAndrew's Park at the same time. The one that would carry his family arrived at Jake's parent's house at 12:30 PM. He, Helen, his mother, and his father climbed inside.

Jake and Helen were dressed in their Star Trek uniforms. They were not merely costumes, per se, but actual wardrobe from the set of the show itself. Though LeVar Burton and Patrick Stewart were unable to attend, they had been taken enough with Jake when he'd met them a few months before to arrange for him to borrow some uniforms and props from the studio. As such, Jake was wearing a red shirt with black shoulders, a pair of black pants, and Starfleet boots. He had the ranking of commander on his lapel, an actual Starfleet emblem on his breast, and an actual fake communicator clipped to his belt. With his long hair, he did not exactly look like Commander Riker, but the effect was otherwise perfect.

Helen, who was playing the part of Counselor Troi, was a much better illusion. Though she was larger in stature and bosom than the real Counselor Troi, her hair and facial features were similar. She wore a lavender shirt that dipped down, displaying part of her shoulders, the top of her chest, and a considerable amount of her cleavage (for some reason that Jake could not figure out, Counselor Troi got to show off her goods when nobody else was allowed to). Her hair was done in a manner that Marina Sirtis often utilized in the show. She had the Starfleet emblem on her chest and the rankings of Lieutenant Commander.

Jake's mother and father, though honored guests, were not part of the actual wedding party. As such, they were dressed a little more traditionally. Tom wore a black, three-piece suit and a red tie — one of the outfits he wore on the rare occasions he had to go to court. Mary wore a long, blue and white formal gown. Her brown hair was done up in a manner Jake hadn't seen on her in many years — perhaps not since Pauline's graduation from college.

McAndrew's Park, named for one of the railroad barons who had helped make Heritage what it was today, was a two hundred acre park right in the heart of the downtown district. Its central feature was a twelve acre rose garden featuring blooms from all over the world. Though it was late in the season, most of the bushes in the garden were still in bloom. Directly in the center of the garden, on a grassy area landscaped in just for wedding ceremonies (the city of Heritage made close to a hundred thousand dollars a year by renting out the garden and the community building adjacent to it for weddings), the traditional chuppah, or canopy, beneath which the actual wedding would take place, had been erected upon poles decorated with flowers.

The park was a beehive of activity as the limousine pulled into the parking lot adjacent to the community center building. Other limos were just arriving and cars were filling the parking spaces. Guest were milling about, starting to move toward the building. Photographers — both the official wedding photographers Jake had hired, and the inevitable newsprint, media hounds, and television photographers — formed a cluster near the front of the building. Two news vans, their aerials extended into the sky, were parked near the rear of the lot. Curious bystanders were perhaps the most numerous of the humans in view, although they were all being kept behind a security tape that was guarded by uniformed Heritage police officers (Jake had hired them as security — the city of Heritage made nearly half a million a year renting out its cops for security duty at private events) and a few armed private security guards.

They exited the limo into a barrage of camera clickings and flashbulb strobes. From the bystander area an excited babble erupted. Jake ignored all this and led Helen and his parents inside the secured area (as he thought of it). There, on the steps of the community center, the wedding party, with the notable exception of the groom, was gathering. Coop and Charlie were there, both dressed in their own uniforms. Coop was in the uniform of Data; Charlie was dressed as Geordi, complete with wrap-around eye goggles that, like all the other props, had come directly from the studio. Stan and Cynthia Archer, the father and mother of the groom, were dressed in generic star trek uniforms that could have belonged to anyone (although Stan was sporting an impressive weapons belt complete with phaser and tricorder). A man and a woman Jake did not know were also milling about in this area, dressed in Star Trek uniforms. Their presence, their age, and the fact that the man was wearing a yarmulke on his head, led Jake to the conclusion that these were Helen's parents. He had heard much about them on the international tour but had never actually met them before. Matt, so far, was nowhere to be seen.

"I guess we head inside," Jake's dad said as he spotted the line of more traditionally dressed guests entering the community center by another door.

"Yeah," Jake told him. "According to Nerd... uh... Bill, at this point the guests go inside and wait for the pre-wedding festivities to start. The first thing that will happen is that Bill will sign that contract thing in front of the rabbi and two witnesses — me and Matt."

"You mean the ketuvah?" Jake's mother said with a small smirk.

"Right, the ketuvah," Jake said. "After that, Bill will go see Sharon in her receiving room."

"Do we get to see that?" his mother asked.

"My understanding is that the honored guests — of which you and dad are included — get to see the veiling of the bride," Jake said.

"Groovy," his mom said wistfully, letting a little of her 1960s heyday show.

While his parents headed for the entryway, Jake and Helen walked over to the wedding party gathering and approached Sharon's parents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen?" he asked politely.

"Mr. Kingsley," said the father, his eyes looking Jake up and down appraisingly. "You make a fairly unconvincing Commander Riker, if you don't mind my saying."

"I'll be the first to agree," Jake said. "And call me Jake, if you please. This is my girlfriend, Helen Brody."

"You can call me Helen," Helen said, before they had a chance to address her more formally.

"It's nice to meet you, Helen, you too, Jake," Mr. Cohen said. "I'm Robert, although you can call me Rob, and this is my wife, Jill."

Hands were shaken all around. Jill commented that Helen made a particularly voluptuous Counselor Troi and thanked her for standing next to Sharon at the ceremony.

"I will admit, I was a little surprised to be given the honor at first," Helen said. "Sharon and I grew quite close when we went abroad with Jake and Bill, but I would've thought she had a lifelong friend she would have wanted instead."

"Well... Sharon never made friends all that easily," said Jill with a shrug. "She never seemed to need friends. Always had her nose in a book or her ears in earphones. Quite frankly, we were astounded when she first told us that she was dating Bill. She had never dated anyone before. She didn't even go to her own prom. And then when she told us she was taking a year off from college to go on an international tour with him... well..."

"I can imagine how strange that must've been," Jake said, wondering just how conservative the elder Cohens actually were. They were conservative enough to not want their daughter marrying Nerdly unless he converted, but not so conservative that they weren't willing to don Star Trek outfits for the wedding.

"Strange hell," Rob said, shaking his head in wonder. "I was about ready to kill the son of a bitch at first. My daughter dating a rock and roll musician? And a gentile rock and roll musician at that?"

"It would seem he won you over at some point?" Helen asked.

"Making the conversion to Judaism went a long way toward that," Jill said. "It showed us how committed he actually was to Sharon, that he wasn't just trying to... you know."

"I know," Jake said.

"This whole thing has been a little overwhelming for us," Rob said. "We're a simple middle-class family. I'm an electrician and Jill is a schoolteacher. We never thought our daughter would end up marrying a celebrity. I mean, look at this. There are news cameras and reporters here at the wedding."

"I can totally relate to you there, Rob," Helen said with a laugh.

"Yes, I guess you must be going through the same thing," Rob agreed. "How do you deal with it?"

"Sometimes it's hard," she said, which was about the most she'd ever said on that particular subject. "Sometimes it's almost too much to take."

"We saw in the news about that demented woman who tried to attack you," Jill said. "That was just awful. Horrible."

"Yes," Helen agreed. "It was pretty bad. It kind of threw me for a loop for a little bit, to tell you the truth."

"We worried the same thing might happen to Sharon," Rob said.

"As Jake always tells me," Helen said, "it's all part of the life we choose. There's a lot of good that goes with it, but there's a lot of bad too. You have to make the choice as to whether or not the bad is worth the good. It seems Sharon has made her choice."

"Yes, it would seem she has," Rob agreed. "And to tell you the truth, Bill has grown on me. He's not at all what I thought a rock musician would be like. He's almost eerily smart and he's interested in all the same things that Sharon is. I didn't know what to make of this whole thing at first but now I believe Sharon was right when she told us that Bill was her soulmate."

"They say there's someone for everyone," Jill put in.

"That is what they say," Jake agreed thoughtfully.

Matt arrived a few minutes later, trudging alone out of his limousine and walking slowly to the gathering on the steps. He was dressed in the tan and black uniform of Lieutenant Warf. Though he had no make-up upon his face, he had the usual emblems and rank markings as well as a well-stocked weapons belt around his waist. He entered the secured area and came up the steps, where he stood away from everyone else, not bothering to introduce himself to Sharon's parents or converse in any way with his fellow band members.

After the problems and fighting that had followed in the wake of the Charlie vs. Darren clash, and the Jake vs. Matt clash in regard to music composition, Matt had not planned on attending the wedding at all. He had stated on multiple occasions, in no uncertain terms, that he had no wish to socialize with "any of you fuckin' sell-outs" in any way, shape, or form. It was a declaration he had managed to keep until today. The only place any of them saw Matt was in the rehearsal warehouse, where they'd so painfully composed their songs for the next album, and, these days, the recording studio, where they were now about halfway through the process of putting them down on digitally recorded tracks for later mixing and compilation onto a master recording.

The only reason he was here today, dressed in a Star Trek outfit as part of the wedding party, was because of publicity. Unsurprisingly, word had leaked to the entertainment media that the members of Intemperance, particularly the creative core members Matt, Jake, and Nerdly, were not getting along with each other. The leak had undoubtedly come from some of the recording studio personnel, who had now observed more than a month's worth of nitpicking, petty arguments, threats of violence, and even a few pushing and shoving matches between one or more of the musicians. So far, every Intemperance member, Pauline, and every National Records rep who was accosted by reporters asking for confirmation and elaboration of the feud had responded with some variation of the tried and true "There is no conflict within the band and the next album is coming along quite nicely" response. This did not keep the rumors from flying, however, particularly since they contained a strong grain of truth. It had been reported in American Watcher that Jake and Matt had engaged in a knockdown, drag-out fight over the subject of what order the songs would be recorded in. It was reported that Nerdly had gone home crying one day after Matt had pushed him down in one of the glass-walled recording booths following an argument about sound levels.

IS THIS THE END FOR INTEMPERANCE? read one front page article in the gossip rag.

TISDALE SAYS KINGSLEY IS DESTROYING THEIR MUSIC read another rag's headline.

Yet another read JAKE SAYS MATT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO WORK WITH.

Intricately constructed articles describing the fights in question followed all of these headlines. Though they were always exaggerated in scope, length, and virulence, all of them contained enough exact quotes and graphic descriptions to lend credence to the underlying theme of strife within the ranks. Thus, in order to maintain the crumbling illusion that everything with Intemperance was just peachy, Matt had been pretty much forced to attend the wedding as planned. To do anything less would have been as good as a signed admission that the rumors were true.

Nerdly and/or Sharon had apparently warned Rob and Jill that his relationship with Matt was not the greatest at the moment and that he was at the ceremony under protest. Neither of them made any attempt to go over and introduce themselves. They simply glanced at him a few times — perhaps a little nervously — and then seemed to dismiss him.

"It's almost time for us to go in, Helen," Jill said. "Why don't we start over to the bride's receiving room?"

"Okay," Helen responded. She gave Jake a quick kiss on the mouth. "See you inside," she told him.

"Right," Jake replied, giving her a brief, one-handed hug.

She and Jill headed for the other entrance, leaving Jake and Rob behind. Before Jake could say anything else, Coop came walking over. He had apparently already introduced himself before Jake's arrival, because Rob greeted him by name.

"How long until we go inside?" Coop asked.

"About another two minutes, by my watch," Rob told him.

"Ahhh, cool," Coop said, nodding wisely. He looked like he wanted to discuss something. As it turned out, he did. "So, Rob, dude," he said, "I got this question I wanted to ask, you know?"

"What's that?" Rob asked.

"Is it, like, true that you Jewish people are actually the ones who really control everything? You know, the government and the media and shit like that?"

Jake closed his eyes and shook his head a little. Leave it to Coop, he thought. The man who once asked John Denver to tell him some Vietnam sniper stories.

"It's absolutely true," Rob told him conspiratorially.

"No shit, dude?" Coop asked, wide-eyed.

"No shit," Rob confirmed. "You see, we all know each other and we're all engaged in a vast conspiracy against all non-Jews. Ever since we faked the Holocaust and you dumb gentiles gave us our own country to plot from, our plans have reached epic proportion. Pretty soon — within the next generation according to what they say at the weekly meetings — the entire western Hemisphere and select parts of Australia and New Guinea will be firmly in our hands."

"Whoa," Coop said, and then he started a little. "You're not just fuckin' with me, are you?"

"Of course he's just fucking with you, you moron," Jake told him.

Coop seemed almost disappointed by this revelation. "Aww, man," he said. "That ain't cool."

Jake decided to excuse himself from the conversation. He walked over to Matt, who was standing quietly near one of the brick planters adjacent to the doorway. Matt looked at him as he approached but said nothing.

"How you doing, Matt?" Jake asked him.

"Shitty," Matt said. "I'm back here in this armpit of a city dressed like a geek and attending some fuckin' freakfest instead of out on a fishing boat."

Jake nodded. "That's the way to keep the old spirits up," he said.

"It ain't my job to keep anyone's spirits up," Matt said. "I'm only here so the press won't have anything to report. Once this shit is over with, my ass is gone. I'm on the four o'clock back to LAX and on a charter boat at six tomorrow morning."

Jake nodded. "So I'm to assume you won't be offering a toast after the ceremony?"

"I will if you want me to," Matt said. "But I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear what I have to say about all this."

Jake sighed. "You're probably right," he agreed. "Looks like it's time to head in."

"Let the freakfest begin," Matt said.

They went inside and the male members of the wedding party were led into the main reception hall where the fifty some-odd guests were seated in chairs. Jake looked over the crowd for a moment, seeing his father near the front of the room. Also present were several members of the recording studio staff that Nerdly had befriended over the past few years. All of them looked out of place and uncomfortable in the suits they wore. There were fifteen or twenty people that Jake didn't know out there and he assumed they were the members of the Cohen family or congregation. Speckled throughout the guest seating areas were several recording stars that Nerdly had helped in the studio in the past.

Bigg G was there, resplendent in a three-piece custom-tailored suit. He wore shiny gold earrings and had lots of rings on his fingers. Christian Allen, one of National's most prominent country and western artists, sat with his wife in one of the aisle seats. He was sporting a yarmulke of his own instead of the cowboy hat he usually wore. Gordon Strong, drummer for Earthstone (and the man who had once given the fledgling Intemperance the most important advice they'd ever been given) was sitting next to his third wife. His eyes met Jake's and he gave him a nod. The bizarre glamour rocker Rob Stinson was there with "a friend" that everyone knew was his gay lover.

Rounding out the famous musician list was the caustic, ultra-feminist blues-folk singer Rhiannon George. She was there with her life-partner, Veronica Julius, the once-popular slutty-girl character actress who had co-starred with Mindy Snow in Thinner Than Water, shot down Matt's advances at the same premier party where Jake and Mindy had first met, and had, three years later, publicly come out of the closet when she'd met Rhiannon. Veronica had not had been offered a movie role since, but according to Nerdly, who often socialized with the couple, she was happier than she'd ever been in her life.

Conspicuously absent among the guests was anyone representing National Records' management. Crow, Doolittle, Bailey, and William Casting, the ultra-big guy himself, had not been given invitations, something the entertainment press had either not picked up on or didn't care enough about to report.

The Rabbi Levenstein, looking cool and quite striking in his class-A Starfleet uniform with the rank of admiral showing on his lapels, stood next to a podium, upon which a large, decorative scroll had been unrolled and held in place by sterling silver paperweights. Levenstein was in his early forties and sported a neatly trimmed mustache and goatee. As the male members of the wedding party entered the room he asked for and received the attention of the guests.

"As there are many here who are unfamiliar with the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, please allow me to explain our first step. Very soon the groom, Mr. William Archer, or, Nerdly as most of you know him, will emerge from the room behind me and will sign the ketuvah here before me, in the presence of his witnesses — Mr. Kingsley and Mr. Tisdale. The ketuvah is a marriage contract, outlining the vows that William promises to his bride during their marriage. Since it is traditional to drink lechaims after the signing of the document, I would ask at this time that everyone please visit the bar and obtain the drink of their choice. Not that I wish to encourage anyone to stray from temperance, as it were, but it is somewhat traditional that a proper lechaim be accompanied by some kind of distilled spirit."

Matt's eyes lit up for the first time in weeks. "Damn," he mumbled. "Now this is my kind of religion."

"I thought you'd like this part," Jake whispered back to him.

Matt grinned for a moment and then remembered he was supposed to be angry. He let the non-committal frown return.

While the guests made their way to the open bar to have shots of booze poured for them, the rabbi corralled Jake and Matt and told them it was time to go retrieve the groom.

"What about those fuckin' drinks?" Matt asked. "When do I get to pick mine?"

"You'll be drinking from a bottle that William himself picked out," the rabbi told him.

"Oh man," Matt complained. "God only knows what kind of pisswater Nerdly picked out. It's probably fuckin' wine mixed with Dr. Pepper."

"Actually," the rabbi said, "I gave him a little help with the selection process. I think maybe you'll be pleased with his choice."

Matt said no further on the subject. The rabbi led them into a small room adjacent to the main reception room and there Nerdly sat, staring at some notes on a piece of paper (probably his lines for later on, Jake figured) and nervously chewing his fingernails. He was dressed in the black and red dress uniform of Captain Picard and had a white yarmulke upon his head. As the entourage of Matt, Jake, Coop, Charlie, his father, and Sharon's father entered, Nerdly looked up, startled out of his concentration.

"Jesus Christ," he blurted, and then reddened. "Uh... well... actually I meant... well, you know. I mean, I didn't mean Jesus Christ as such. It's just that..."

"It's okay," Levenstein assured him gently. "Even though we don't believe in the divinity of Jesus, invoking his name is still a pretty good curse under certain circumstances. Santa Claus is a pretty cool icon too."

"Santa Claus?" Nerdly asked, not quite catching the reference. "What about him?"

"Never mind, William," the rabbi said with a chuckle. "Your wedding party is here. Would you like to pour them their drinks?"

"Right," Nerdly said, nodding rapidly.

"I think we could all use a drink about now, Nerdly," Jake told him.

The drink of choice turned out to be very nice indeed. Nerdly brought out a bottle of Macallan single-malt Scotch from the fine and rare collection of that very impressive line. The bottle he had held an amber liquid that had been aged twenty-five years. Jake, an aficionado of premium liquor, knew that the bottle had to have cost at least two hundred dollars.

"Nice, Nerdly," Jake told him. "Very nice."

"I was going to go with some of that Popov Vodka I drink with my Sprite," Nerdly said, "but Rabbi Levenstein talked me into this instead."

"You're a good man, Rabbi," Nerdly's dad told him. "A very good man."

Nerdly cracked the seal and poured each of them about an inch worth of the precious liquid into crystal bucket glasses inscribed with their names and the date of the occasion. Jake took a long smell of his, savoring the rich aroma. Matt put his to his lips, preparing to shoot it down.

"Not yet," Levenstein said, stopping him. "We don't drink until after the ketuvah is read and signed."

Matt slowly let the glass drop away from his lips. "What a rip," he said sourly.

"Shall we?" Levenstein asked.

"Let's do it," Nerdly said, taking a few deep breaths.

They emerged into the main reception room and gathered around the podium where the ketuvah sat. Levenstein approached the podium and addressed the guests, explaining what the ketuvah was, what it stood for, and what the historical significance of the document was. He then said a few blessings, a brief prayer, and invited Nerdly to take the podium in his place.

Nerdly did so, moving up. Jake moved up with him and caught a glimpse of the ketuvah. Though traditionally written in Hebrew, this one was in English, penned in dark calligraphy. He knew that Nerdly had been studying Hebrew as part of the conversion process but it seemed he wanted the ketuvah — which would be framed and hung on the wall in their home — to be legible to all who saw it.

Nerdly made a brief speech to the audience, thanking everyone for coming, thanking his parents and Sharon's parents and the rabbi and especially Sharon herself, who wasn't even in the room at the moment.

"Would you just fuckin' sign the shit so I can drink this hooch?" Jake heard Matt mumble at one point.

When the speech was done the rabbi asked Nerdly if he agreed to abide by the text of the ketuvah as long as he was able.

"Yes, I do," Nerdly told him.

"Then please sign the document where indicated," Levenstein said.

Nerdly picked up a gold pen and signed on the line labeled "Groom".

"And if now the witnesses will please sign as well?" Levenstein asked.

Jake went forward and took the pen from Nerdly's hand. He signed on the first witness line. Matt stepped forward next and signed on the second witness line. The rabbi then took the pen from Matt's hand.

"I will attest that this ketuvah is valid and binding," he said. He then signed it as well. "Lechaim!" he declared.

"Lechaim!" the guests responded enthusiastically.

Jake, along with everyone else with a drink in his or her hand, downed the contents of his glass. The scotch was smooth as silk, gliding down his throat like only twenty-five year old scotch could. It warmed his belly and sent gentle warmth surging through his bloodstream.

It was not the only lechaim to echo through the hall in the next fifteen minutes. As the guests gathered around to view the ketuvah, many of them, fresh drinks in hand, would throw another one at him. Decorum dictated that he return each one. Jake, Matt, Coop, Charlie, Jake's dad, and Nerdly's father all poured liberally out of the Macallan and matched him shot for shot. Soon, Jake was feeling a definite buzz overtaking him and he began to worry about his ability to perform the song he had rehearsed when the time came. To counter this, he munched on some of the rye crackers and cheese that were being circulated.

Finally, the lechaiming came to an end and it was time to move onto the next stage of the ceremony. It was time for Nerdly to veil his bride. His father and Sharon's father formed up on either side of him. Jake and the rest of the male guests in the wedding party formed up behind them. They walked in procession into another room of the hall and there sat Sharon, dressed in the yellow dress uniform of Beverly Crusher. She was surrounded by her mother, Nerdly's mother, Jake's mother, and a few other female acquaintances that Jake didn't know.

"Damn," Matt whispered as they entered the room. "She does have a rack after all."

And indeed she did. The uniform shirt she was wearing was, without a doubt, the tightest piece of clothing that anyone but Nerdly himself had ever seen her wear. She had a very perky and appetizing swelling in her chest.

Nerdly became a little nervous again as he took her in. In keeping with tradition, he hadn't seen her or talked to her in the last seven days. As before, however, he quickly got into gear, chilled himself out, and went through the pomp and ceremony of covering her face with the veil of marriage.

From there, the entire wedding party left the building and headed out to the chuppah for the official ceremony.

Jake had never been to a Jewish wedding before, neither orthodox, reformed, traditional, nor Star Trek. He found himself a little moved by the ritualism of the joining in matrimony. Nerdly took his place beneath the canopy with the rabbi. Jake and Matt stood behind him, outside the canopy. As Sharon, accompanied by her parents, made their way toward them, a cantor began to sing, his voice carrying easily across the entire rose garden. While he was singing, Nerdly suddenly began to speak, almost chant, long phrases in Hebrew.

"What the fuck's that shit he's spouting?" Matt whispered.

"He's praying that his friends will one day find true love as he himself has," the rabbi whispered back. "Now hush. This is a solemn occasion."

Matt hushed.

Sharon arrived at the canopy. She formed up with her mother and Nerdly's mother and, together, they began walking around Nerdly, circling him again and again while Nerdly, ignoring them, continued to pray in Hebrew. Finally, after seven orbits around Nerdly, Sharon took her place next to him beneath the canopy.

The rabbi poured a wine glass completely full of red wine. He said a blessing over the wine, talking of its symbolism of life itself and of how, with a little work and patience, a plain fruit can turn into a pleasurable drink, just as a plain friendship between a man and a woman can, with that same patience, be turned into a pleasurable life together. He then praised God, thanking him for the sanctity of the family and the Jewish people, thanking him for the union of souls His love allowed to exist on this day. He handed the wine glass to Nerdly. He and Sharon both drank from the wine.

At this point, Nerdly removed a plain gold ring from his pocket and placed it upon Sharon's finger, sliding it next to the large engagement ring she already possessed. "Behold," he said, in English this time. "You are sanctified to me with this ring, according to the Law of Moses and Israel." Sharon said nothing, although Jake thought he detected a small tear running down her cheek beneath the veil.

The rabbi handed Jake the ketuvah Nerdly had signed earlier. "If you would please read the text of the ketuvah to Sharon, Jake?" he asked.

"Right," Jake said. He read the three hundred or so words that made up the marriage contract. It was very similar to a Christian wedding vow, full of promises to love, respect, and honor his wife as long as they both might live. He also promised to make arrangements for her continued prosperity in the unfortunate event of a "premature end to the marriage".

Once the reading was done, Jake, at the direction of the rabbi, rolled up the ketuvah and presented it to Sharon. She clutched it to against her bosom, her hands gripping it nervously.

The rabbi began to talk again. He gave blessings, many of them, praising God and creation, expressing hope and happiness for the new couple, expressing hope for the Jewish people, and wishing for peace and prosperity in Israel. Nerdly and Sharon drank from the wine glass again, passing it back and forth until it was empty. Nerdly then set it on the ground, covered it with a handkerchief, and stomped on it.

"Mazaltov!" everyone yelled happily. The ceremony was complete.

The aftermath of the ceremony was much more along the lines of a Christian wedding than anything else Jake had experienced that day. The goal was simple: for the guests to eat, drink, dance, sing, and be merry. There was, of course, the inevitable half hour or so of photography that the wedding party was forced to endure. Every possible combination of every person present were posed and shot in numerous positions.

By the time Jake, Matt, Coop, and Charlie made it to the reception area, the party was in full swing. Musicians were playing and the drinks were flowing. Matt, still surly and uncommunicative, had no problem locating the scotch Nerdly had picked and helping himself to a few more shots of it. Once the bottle was empty, he left, not saying goodbye to a single person, not even waiting until Nerdly and Sharon emerged from the cheder yichud, or "room of privacy" where they were sequestered together for an hour after the end of the photography session.

The band played a lively, traditional tune as the newly married couple made their entrance. They were introduced to the crowd for the first time as husband and wife — Mr. and Mrs. William "Nerdly" Archer. Cries of mazaltov once again echoed through the room and the drinking and merrymaking kicked up a few notches in tempo.

Jake, as de facto best man, made a toast to the new couple. He kept it short enough to avoid annoying the crowd, but long enough to show he'd put some thought into it. He did not try to be humorous or overly sentimental. He simply expounded upon his lifelong friendship with Nerdly and wished him and his bride nothing but happiness in the new life they were starting.