Stone Bruises

17

My stitches come out late one morning. The scabs from the trap’s metal teeth have hardened and healed since I’ve left off the bandage, and the stitches perform no function any more except to irritate me. They could probably have come out sooner, yet Mathilde hasn’t suggested it and I haven’t pressed. For some reason I’m reluctant to have the unsightly black whiskers removed.

But this particular morning they’re itching more than ever. When I find myself furiously scratching at them, then tugging at a loosening thread myself, I realize I can’t ignore it any longer.

It’s time.

I ask Mathilde when I collect my breakfast from the house. Brushing back a strand of hair, she simply nods.

‘I can do it later, if you like.’

I thank her and retreat back to the barn. Yet after breakfast I still put it off. I mix a batch of mortar to take up the scaffold. I’ve lost track of days, but I’m pretty certain this is a Sunday. Not even Arnaud has suggested I should work seven days a week, but I’ve fallen into the habit all the same. It keeps the time from lying too heavily on my hands, something it seems to do more and more lately.

I feel unsettled and out of sorts as I start trowelling the mortar into the gaps. It isn’t only the thought of having the stitches taken out. I’ve been sleeping better than I have in years. Physical exertion, good food and sun have been an effective counter to insomnia, or at least they were. Since Gretchen’s nocturnal visit I’ve taken to sliding the chest of drawers on top of the trapdoor again, but I can’t blame her for my broken sleep.

The dreams about washing my hands in the copse have started again.

I ease another stone into place, scraping off and then smoothing the wet mortar until it’s indistinguishable from its neighbours. The upper section of the house is almost done. A few more days and it’ll be time to drop the scaffolding boards to a lower level and begin the cycle all over again. There’s plenty of the big farmhouse left to hack out and repoint, enough work to keep me occupied for months.

If that’s what I want.

Wiping a trickle of sweat from my forehead, I glance at my watch to check the time. But of course it’s still in my rucksack, where it’s been ever since I started working on the house. I haven’t missed it, but now I’m nagged by an irrational feeling that I’m late for something.

I’m out of mortar, which makes this as good a time as any for a break. Carrying my empty bucket down the ladder, I leave it at the foot of the scaffold and go to the kitchen. The door is open, but when I knock it’s Gretchen who answers.

‘Is Mathilde around?’ I ask.

Her smile vanishes. ‘Why?’

‘She said she’d take my stitches out this morning. But if she’s not here it doesn’t matter.’

I feel a sneaking sense of relief at the delay, but Gretchen is already moving to let me in. The thin cotton dress she’s wearing shows off her tanned legs. ‘She’s upstairs with Michel.’

I hesitate, then step into the kitchen. The flagged floor, worn table and chairs are cosily familiar, yet the room doesn’t seem right without Mathilde. A chicken carcass lies next to the sink, plucked and naked.

‘I’ll come back later,’ I say, turning to go.

‘No, you can wait.’

It’s more an instruction than a reassurance. I look through the doorway at the sunlit courtyard as Gretchen goes to the chicken and picks it up by its yellow feet. Its head flops as she splays it out on a chopping board. One of its eyes is milky and blind, I notice. I try not to flinch as she brings down a large cleaver, severing the outstretched neck.

‘Why don’t you sit down?’

‘I’m OK, thanks.’

Scraping the decapitated head into the sink, she flips the chicken round and deftly cuts off both feet. ‘It seems like I hardly see you any more.’

‘I was here last night.’ It’s taken for granted now that I’ll eat with them every evening. I’m free to enjoy the rest of my meals alone, but I’ve begun to miss my solitary dinners outside the barn. Watching Arnaud work his way through his sour wine, his volatility increasing as the bottles empty, soon becomes wearing.

Gretchen looks over her shoulder at me. ‘That isn’t what I mean. You’re not avoiding me, are you?’

‘No, of course not.’

‘Good. I thought you might be cross about something.’

I don’t have an answer to that. The thin scabs on my arm left by the fork tines are itching, and I only just stop myself from rubbing them. The kitchen’s low ceiling and heavy furniture suddenly feel oppressive.

‘We could have lunch together today,’ Gretchen says, pulling something red from the chicken’s gullet. ‘You could teach me some more English.’

I look towards the doorway leading to the stairs, but there’s no sign of Mathilde. ‘I didn’t think you were interested.’

‘I will be, I promise.’

‘Uh, well, I …’

I look round with relief as the door to the stairs opens and Mathilde comes into the kitchen with Michel. When she sees us she seems to pause slightly before continuing into the room.

‘I didn’t hear you come in,’ she says, crossing to the high chair.

‘He’s been waiting to have his stitches taken out,’ Gretchen tells her, shoving the chicken under the tap. Blood from its severed neck streaks the sink.

‘I can come back,’ I say.

‘That’s all right.’ The baby struggles, howling as she tries to put him in the chair, his face red and wet. Mathilde turns to her sister. ‘Gretchen, can you take Michel?’

‘No, I’m busy.’

‘Please. He won’t settle in the chair while he’s teething. I won’t be long,’ Mathilde says, trying to calm him.

‘He’s your son, I don’t see why I’ve always got to take him everywhere with me,’ Gretchen grumbles, but dries her hands as she goes for her nephew.

‘I’ll see to your stitches in the bathroom,’ Mathilde says. She turns away, so misses the glare Gretchen shoots at her back.

I go around the table so as not to get too close to Gretchen while she’s near a cleaver. Closing the door behind us, I follow Mathilde upstairs. I sit on the side of the bath while she takes what she needs from a cupboard: tweezers, a small dish, a towel. I peel off the sock, revealing my foot in all its pallid glory. The wounds are still crusted in places but there’s also the raw pink of healing flesh from which the stitches sprout like bristles.

Mathilde crouches in front of me, using a cloth soaked in hot water to clean and soften the scabbed wounds. Then she spreads the towel on her lap and rests my foot on it. It feels awkwardly intimate.

‘This shouldn’t hurt too much.’

There’s a tugging sensation, no more, as she teases at the end of a stitch with a pair of tweezers. When it’s out she drops it into the dish and goes on to the next. Her hands are cool and gentle as she eases out the recalcitrant strands. I watch her as she works, wholly intent on what she’s doing, and find myself remembering Arnaud’s tacit offer. I shift my thoughts onto something else.

‘How’s Lulu?’ I ask.

‘There’s no change. The veterinarian says the stump’s infected.’

I try to think of something to say that won’t sound like a platitude but I can’t. More than ever, I’ve started to agree with Jean-Claude: Mathilde’s sentimentality hasn’t done any of them any favours. Least of all the dog.

‘Did you run into Jean-Claude the other day?’ she asks, as though reading my mind.

‘Jean-Claude …?’

‘When you were in town.’

‘Oh … Yes, he was at the builders’ yard.’ I feel like I’ve been caught out. ‘How did you know?’

‘You were gone a long time. I thought it might be because you’d seen him.’

I’m not sure if this is leading up to something, but she wouldn’t have brought it up if she didn’t want to talk about it. ‘He told me Louis was missing,’ I say.

It’s impossible to read Mathilde’s expression. When I asked before about Michel’s father she’d said only that she didn’t know where he was. But then she doesn’t have to tell me anything.

She pushes back a strand of hair. ‘Yes.’

‘What happened?’

Her breath whispers against my foot. ‘Louis said he had some sort of business in Lyon. He persuaded my father to lend him some money and then he left. That was eighteen months ago. I haven’t seen or heard from him since.’

Again, it seems she’s waiting for me to say something. ‘Couldn’t he have just decided to steal the money and not come back?’

‘I don’t think so. If he were still alive he’d have been in touch with someone by now. Not me, perhaps, but Jean-Claude.’

It’s only what his brother’s already told me, but it seems to carry more weight coming from her. ‘Jean-Claude thinks—’

‘I know what Jean-Claude thinks.’ Mathilde raises her head to look at me. The grey eyes are calm and sad. ‘My father didn’t kill Louis. If anyone’s to blame, it’s me. He was unhappy when he found out I was pregnant, and the last time I saw him we argued. If not for that, maybe things would have been different.’

‘You can’t blame yourself. Maybe if your father talked to Jean-Claude—’

‘No.’ She shakes her head. ‘My father’s a proud man. He won’t change his mind.’

‘Then couldn’t you talk to Jean-Claude yourself?’

‘It wouldn’t do any good. He holds us responsible. Nothing I say can change that.’

Mathilde turns her attention back to the stitches, making it clear the conversation has ended. She drops another thread into the dish and repositions my foot. I can feel the warmth of her body through the towel.

‘Just one more.’

There’s a slight sting as the last stitch pulls free. She puts the tweezers in the saucer and dabs antiseptic on the holes where the stitches have been. Without them the foot has an unfinished look, like an unlaced shoe.

‘How does that feel?’ she asks.

‘Not bad.’

My foot is still on her lap. Her hands rest on it, and all at once I’m very aware of the contact. The touch of her fingers on my bare skin is like an electric charge. From the flush that’s risen to her throat, she’s conscious of it too.

‘Mathilde, Michel won’t stop crying!’

Gretchen’s shout comes from downstairs, petulant and demanding. Mathilde moves my foot and quickly rises from the chair.

‘I’m coming,’ she calls. The tiredness is back behind her eyes as she gathers up the tweezers and dish. ‘It might be tender for a day or two where the stitches have been. You should still be careful.’

‘I will. Thanks,’ I say. But she’s already gone.

As I stand I catch sight of my reflection in the mottled bathroom mirror over the washbasin. My face is thinner than I remember. It’s sunburnt and peeling, with white lines radiating from the corners of my eyes where they’ve been screwed up against the light. The beard completes the transformation: it doesn’t look like me any more.

I stare back at the stranger, then go back downstairs.

It feels weird to wear a boot on my injured foot again. The bloodstains on the leather have resisted several scrubbings and there are twin arcs of punctures on both sides. I’ll need a new pair eventually, but for now it’s enough to look down and see two feet that are more or less symmetrical.

The novelty is fading, though. I’m already beginning to forget what it was like to have my foot bound and strapped. I have the strange sensation that everything is reverting to how it was before I stepped in the trap, as though the thread of my life is trying to pick up from where it left off.

Even so, I’m reluctant to put too much weight on my foot, and when I take my afternoon walk down to the lake I still use my walking stick. I’m aware that it’s become more of a psychological crutch than a physical one, but that’s something I don’t dwell on. Once my foot’s fully recovered I’ll have no more reason to stay, and I’m not ready for that.

Not yet.

I go up to my usual spot on the bluff and settle against the trunk of the chestnut tree. The lake is placid, the surface unruffled even by ducks at this time of day. But change is evident even here. The year’s moved on without my noticing it. The leaves of the surrounding trees are a darker green than when I first arrived, and although it’s still hot the sunlight seems subtly sharper. The season is approaching its turn, and so is the weather. I rub my wrist where my watch used to be, looking at a dark smudge of cloud on the horizon.

At one time I couldn’t imagine winter touching here. Now I can.

The cloud bank has encroached further by the time I set off back up the track, obscuring the sun with a preliminary haze. There’s even a threat of rain in the air as I walk through the woods, but the statues at least are unchanged. Pan still capers manically, and the veiled woman still stands bowed and remorseful. Under the darkening sky, the blood-like stain on her worn sandstone looks more livid than ever.

‘Hello.’

I give a start. Gretchen is in the cleared patch of ground where Arnaud and I felled the silver birch. There’s no Michel or Lulu with her this time. She’s alone, making a daisy chain of the small white flowers that carpet the meadow grass. There’s a pleased look about her that for some reason makes me feel like I’ve been ambushed.

‘I didn’t see you,’ I say. ‘What are you doing down here?’

‘Looking for you.’ She rises to her feet, tying off the strand of flowers into a circle. ‘You promised me an English lesson this afternoon. Have you forgotten?’

I can remember her saying something in the kitchen but I’m pretty sure I didn’t promise anything. ‘Sorry, it’ll have to be some other time. I need to get back to work.’

‘You don’t have to go straight away, do you?’

She walks towards me, still with the unsettling smile. For a moment I think she’s going to put the daisy chain around my neck, and take an automatic step backwards. Instead she walks past, close enough for her thin dress to brush against me. Reaching up, she drapes it around the neck of a stone nymph.

‘There,’ she says. ‘What do you think?’

‘Very nice. Anyway, I should get back.’

But that’s easier said than done. Gretchen is standing in my way, and when I try to move around her she sidesteps to block me. She grins.

‘Where are you going?’

‘I told you, I’ve got work to do.’

‘Uh-uh.’ She shakes her head. ‘You owe me an English lesson.’

‘Tomorrow, maybe.’

‘Supposing I don’t want to wait?’

Her grin is mischievous and vaguely threatening. Or maybe that’s just my imagination. I have to resist the urge to move away from her again.

‘Your father’s going to wonder where I am,’ I say. But this time invoking Arnaud doesn’t work.

‘Papa’s asleep. He won’t know if you’re late.’

‘Mathilde will.’

Mentioning her sister is a mistake. ‘Why are you always so worried what Mathilde thinks?’

‘I’m not,’ I say hurriedly. ‘Look, I need to get back.’

She glares at me sullenly for a moment, then pretend-pouts. ‘All right, but on one condition. Bring me the necklace.’

She points at the flower chain hanging around the statue’s neck. ‘Why?’

‘You’ll see.’

With a sigh I go to the nymph and reach for the flowers. There’s a rustling from behind me, and I turn to see Gretchen’s dress slither to the ground.

She’s naked underneath.

‘Well?’ she says, smiling. The air in the woods suddenly seems closer than ever. She steps towards me. ‘Mathilde doesn’t look like this, does she?’

‘Gretchen …’ I begin, and then I hear the engine.

I look past her as Georges’s old 2CV wheezes into view on the track. I’m too stunned to move, but it’s too late anyway. I can see the old man sitting behind the steering wheel like a wrinkled schoolboy, and he can hardly miss us. But if he’s surprised by the sight of Gretchen standing naked in the middle of the track he gives no sign. As the Citroën bumps nearer, his face displays no more expression than when he killed the sow. Then the car turns off where the track forks to the sanglochon pens and disappears into the trees.

The sound of its engine fades. Gretchen stares after it before turning to me, wide-eyed.

‘Do you think he saw me?’

‘Unless he’s blind. Get dressed.’

Subdued, she does as she’s told. I don’t bother to wait. Leaving her in the woods, I head back to the farm, stabbing the walking stick into the rutted dirt of the track. The full impact of what’s just happened is only now starting to sink in. Christ knows what Arnaud will do when he finds out. He certainly won’t believe I didn’t encourage Gretchen, or that nothing’s happened between us. Yet as I walk through the grapevines it isn’t his reaction I’m worried about.

It’s Mathilde’s.

I almost go straight to the house there and then. Better if she hears it from me than Georges or Arnaud. Or Gretchen, God forbid: I dread to think what sort of spin she’ll put on this.

But by the time I’ve reached the barn I’ve talked myself out of it. If I tell Mathilde it’ll look as if I’m trying to cause trouble. Besides, Georges is such an enigma I’ve no idea what he’ll do. Maybe he’s so uninterested in anything except his pigs he won’t even say anything.

So instead I mix up a batch of mortar, angrily churning sand and cement together with a bucket of water. The beginning of a tension headache probes the back of my neck as I climb up the scaffold. I’ve no enthusiasm, and even the bucket seems heavier than usual. But I don’t know what else to do, and I might as well finish more of the wall while I wait for the fallout.

Something else falls instead. As I mechanically smooth mortar into the gaps between the stones I feel a wet splash on my cheek. I look up and see that the sky has darkened to a muddy grey. With a sound of dropping pennies, raindrops begin to spatter down onto the scaffold.

The weather has finally broken.

I’m sprawled on the sofa in my flat watching a DVD of Les Diaboliques one afternoon when my mobile rings. I’ve seen the film numerous times already but I was bored and there’s nothing else to do before I’m due at the Zed. I’ve been telling myself I should do something more constructive with my free time, get my life moving again. But like most things these days it seems like too much effort.

I pause the film and pick up the phone. It’s Callum.

‘Sean, I’ve just read about it in the newspaper. I’m really sorry, man, I’d no idea.’

I haven’t seen Callum for a while. Not since the double date, in fact. There was talk about doing it again, but it never happened. The truth is I’ve been trying to cut myself off from links to my old life, although ‘cutting’ is altogether too active a description for what I’ve been doing. It’s more like letting them die away of their own accord.

I’m still looking at the frozen black and white image on the TV screen: Simone Signoret leaning over the suited body of Paul Meurisse in a bathtub. It’s a great scene. ‘No idea about what? What are you talking about?’

There’s a pause. ‘You mean you didn’t know about Chloe?’

It’s in the London Evening Standard. I don’t have a copy but the report is on the website. It’s brief, and there’s no accompanying photograph. Presumably they didn’t think the story merited it, or maybe they just didn’t have time to locate one after Chloe’s body was pulled from the Thames.

A former drug addict, is how the report describes her. Suicide or accident, no one seems sure, although she matches the description of a young woman seen falling off the guard rail of Waterloo Bridge two nights earlier. She’d been so stoned or drunk that none of the witnesses could say whether she stumbled or jumped. The story has only made the news because her body was found bumping against the pilings of a jetty by a group of schoolchildren on a boat trip. The report reserves most of its sympathy for them rather than Chloe.

She was just another addict.

Jez answers the phone when I call Yasmin. I haven’t spoken to him since I left the language school. I’ve nothing against him but the fact he lives with Chloe’s best friend made it awkward for both of us.

I don’t care about that now, though. ‘It’s Sean,’ I say.

‘Sean.’ His voice is even heavier than usual. ‘You’ve heard?’

‘Just now. Callum called.’

‘You OK?’

I don’t bother to answer that. ‘Is Yasmin there?’

‘Yeah, but … I don’t think you should speak to her right now.’

I stare out of my window at a pigeon that’s landed on the ledge. It cocks its head to look at me through the glass. ‘What happened?’

‘I don’t know much. She’d been using again, though. Yasmin tried to get her to clean up, but you know how it is. She’d started doing some serious stuff.’ There’s a hesitation. ‘You know Jules dumped her?’

I put my head against the wall. ‘When?’

‘A couple of weeks ago. Chloe told Yasmin that Jules was in trouble. I told you he had a gym in Docklands? Well, by the sound of it he thought the old quay it was in was going to be redeveloped, so he bought the entire building. Hocked himself up to the hilt expecting to make a killing, and then the plug got pulled on the redevelopment. So now he owes Lenny, the big guy who’s been supplying him with shit at the gym, as well as some people Lenny does business with. People you really don’t want to owe money to. I don’t know all the details, but Chloe … Look, I shouldn’t be telling you this.’

‘Go on.’

There’s a sigh. ‘Well, Chloe said that Jules was starting to deal more seriously, trying to pay off his debts. He’d got something set up and wanted her to courier for him. As in an all-expenses-paid trip to Thailand.’

‘Jesus.’ I close my eyes.

‘She didn’t, she said no,’ Jez goes on hurriedly. ‘But Jules lost it. Threw her out of his apartment, told her she was a parasite, stufflike that, and then cut her dead. Wouldn’t have anything more to do with her. I think some of it was probably payback for her walking out on him last time, and it must have pushed Chloe over the edge. Yasmin did what she could, but—’

There’s a sudden commotion on the other end of the line. I can hear muffled voices, one of them angry, and then Yasmin comes on.

‘Are you happy now?’ she shouts. She’s crying. ‘You fucking shit, why’d you let her go back to that bastard?’

I rub my temples. ‘It was her choice, Yas.’

‘You left her when she needed you! What did you think she was going to do?’

‘I didn’t ask her to sleep with him and get pregnant!’ I shoot back.

‘You should have given her some fucking support! It could have been yours, but you just walked out and abandoned her!’

‘What?’ My mind’s racing. ‘No, Chloe told me it was his—’

‘And you believed her? Jesus, are you really that fucking stupid? She wanted to make it easy for you, and you let her, didn’t you? You might as well have pushed her yourself, you selfish—’

There’s the sound of a struggle as Jez tries to take the phone. I listen, numbly, as he comes back on, sounding flustered.

‘Sorry, Sean. Yasmin’s … well, you know.’

‘What she said, is it …?’

‘I don’t know anything about that,’ he says quickly. ‘Look, I’ve got to go. It’s probably better if you don’t call again. Just for a while. I’m sorry.’

The line goes dead. Yasmin’s words feel like they’re burrowing into me. It could have been yours. Christ, was that true? Coming on top of Chloe’s death, it’s too much to take in. But Yasmin wouldn’t make up something like that. And the two of them were best friends; Chloe would confide things to her she’d never tell anyone else.

Including me.

Knowing I’m only tormenting myself, I scroll through my phone’s logged calls. From what Jez said, Jules must have finished with Chloe around the same time she made that last call to me. And I’d ignored it because I was about to go into a film I didn’t want to see, with people I didn’t know. Her name is still there, close to the end. Seeing it on the glowing screen makes me insanely tempted to call it. Instead I check my voicemail in case I missed a message. But of course there’s nothing.

I feel like I’m suffocating. I hurry out of my flat, pretending to myself that I’m walking aimlessly until, inevitably, I come to Waterloo Bridge. It’s a utilitarian concrete span, streaming with traffic beside the pedestrian walkway. I go to the middle and lean over the parapet, looking down at the slow-moving river. I wonder what it must have felt like, stepping off into nothing. If she was still conscious after she hit the dark water. If she was frightened.

If she thought about me.

I spend the rest of the day getting drunk. From time to time I take out my phone and stare at Chloe’s logged call on the small glowing screen. Several times I’m on the verge of deleting it, but I can’t bring myself to do it. The evening is warm and sunny, and I sit in a bubble of isolation from the other people sharing the pub’s terrace. One moment I’m numb, the next I’m swamped by grief, guilt and anger. Anger is the easiest to bear, and at some point the decision takes hold in my mind as to what I have to do. As the light fades I get up and head unsteadily for the nearest tube station. Jules’s gym is in Docklands. I don’t have an address but it doesn’t matter. I’ll find it.

I’ll find him.