Strange Loyalties

2

^‘Hullo?’

‘Hullo. Jack?’

It was Brian Harkness. It would be, as early as this. My recent condition had brought out the social worker in Brian.

‘Okay, Brian.’

I pressed the release buzzer and left my door open. I was finishing shaving when Brian came in and closed the door. He came through and sat on the edge of the bath.

‘Aye, Brian.’

‘Jack.’

He was giving me a look that should have had a stethoscope attached.

‘How you doing?’ he asked. ‘You been on the stuff?’

‘Define your terms.’

‘You been on the stuff?’

‘Brian. I get it on prescription.’

Jolly wit: the balancing pole with which we walk the tightrope. I was rinsing the last of the soap off my face.

‘Jesus, I worry about you. What you doin’ to yerself? Nobody knows where you are any more. You’re as popular with the squad as a ferret in a rabbit warren. The only time we see you’s on the job. Then you disappear. To this?’

He was looking round. I was drying my face.

‘Brian,’ I said. ‘Why are you not wearing an ample floral frock?’

‘What?’

‘You’re going to play at being my mother, dress for the part.’

‘Piss off and listen once in your life, will ye?’

‘Ma mammy never spoke like that. Times have changed.’ ‘Jack. You’ll have to pull yourself together.’

‘She spoke like that, though. If you really want to be mother, make us something to eat. I have to get ready.’

He stared at me the way relatives sometimes look at patients in a hospital, when they think they’re not being observed. But I’m not a detective for nothing. I saw that expression that wonders if the patient knows how bad he really is. He shook his head and went through to the kitchen.

I was glad to see him go for the moment. It took the pressure off. The truth was I wasn’t feeling too sure of myself. As I started to comb my wet and rumpled hair, I absorbed, in a kind of delayed action, the things he’d been saying, the reality of his concern, the valid reasons for it. The snarled hair tugged at the comb and some came out on it but I didn’t miss it. At least my hair was staying. It seemed as thick as ever and had no grey. But if my hair was there to remind me of who I had been, what else was?

Brian was right. My life was one terrible mess. Miguel de Unamuno had written something that applied to me, if I could think what it was. I read quite a lot of philosophy in a slightly frenetic way, like a man looking for the hacksaw that must be hidden somewhere, before the executioner comes. It was something about continuity. Unamuno says something like: if a man loses his sense of his own continuity, he’s had it. His bum’s out the window. Sorry, Miguel, if I’m not quoting accurately.

That was me all right. I had lost the sense of my own continuity. I was improvising myself by the day. I didn’t know who I was any more. The life I had thought I was constructing had fallen apart. Family, for example. I had always thought that was the lodestone of my life. Now I was irrevocably separated from Ena and I saw my children by appointment. My relationship with Jan lived in a kind of sensual limbo — a free-floating bed that wasn’t anchored to any social structure. Beyond the act of love, I wasn’t sure what I had to offer her. I survived by a job I doubted every day. And just when I thought I might be going under, when I needed every scrap of confirmation of life’s meaningfulness I could get, my brother, who in my worst times had seemed more substantial to me than myself, my brother had walked into a random car. Or was it so random?

Something in me had to believe it wasn’t. I wasn’t saying it was suicide. What was I saying? I didn’t know. Maybe part of what I was saying was ‘guilt’. Every time someone I love has died, I have felt guilty. I didn’t spend enough time with them, I didn’t appreciate them fully when they were here, I hadn’t given enough to them.

But the guilt, I believed wildly enough, wasn’t just mine. I’ve always been generous in that way. In just about every case I’ve investigated, I’ve wanted to implicate as many people as I could, including myself. My ideal dock would accommodate the population of the world. We would all give our evidence, tell our sad stories and then there would be a mass acquittal and we would all go away and try again. (But don’t tell the Commander of the Crime Squad that I said that.)

Scott, my dead brother, had become the focus for that manic feeling, so long suppressed in me. I needed his death to mean more than it seemed to mean. If the richness of the life in him could be snuffed on the random number-plate of a car, and that was all, I was ready to shut up shop on my beliefs and hand in my sense of morality at the desk. The world was a bingo stall.

But I didn’t want it to be. I needed Scott in death as I had needed him in life. I needed a reunion in meaning between us.

I was completing my pretence of tidying up the bathroom when I realised that Brian was standing in the doorway, watching me. He covered his surveillance with talk.

‘Make something to eat?’ he said. ‘With what, like? Your fridge might as well be in a shop-window. There’s bugger-all in it. What you want me to do? Make soup out the curtains? I put the kettle on. At least you’ve laid in a stock of water, I see.’

‘The frugal life, Brian.’

‘Frugal? You’re a one-man famine.’

‘Eggs,’ I said.

‘That’s right. Four eggs in a wee plastic container. That’s your whack.’

‘So boil them. And make some toast. Two eggs each. With toast and coffee.’

‘The bread’s like bathroom tiles.’

‘You don’t notice when it’s toasted.’

‘Okay, Egon.’

While he rustled up a gourmet breakfast in the kitchen, I went through to the bedroom. I dressed and laid my black leather jerkin on the bed — multi-purpose gear, suitable for cocktail party or dog-track. I didn’t know where I might be going. I found the travelling-bag in the cupboard. What to put in it was the question. I’m hopeless at packing. I usually leave it to the last minute so that I’ve got an excuse for making a hash of it.

I might be away for a week. There were five clean shirts on hangers in the wardrobe. I kept them like that because I didn’t have an iron. God bless the tumble-drier. But it meant I had to work out how to fold them. Button each one first, lay it face down on the bed, fold each side in very slightly from the shoulder, fold the sleeves the other way, fold up the tail slightly, double up what’s left and an object of beautiful neatness was before you. (Personal column: home-help for hire, all domestic skills.)

Five shirts should be enough, plus the one that I was wearing, if I packed a couple of pullovers to hide any second-day grime on the collars, should that prove necessary. I put in whatever else I thought I would need and then applied Laidlaw’s Infallible Packer’s Law: check everything from the feet up and the inside out. I had forgotten an extra pair of shoes. I put them in. All right. Shoes. Seven pairs of socks. Seven pairs of underpants, unironed. Five shirts. Two tee-shirts to wear under the polo-neck if the shirts proved unwearable a second day. Two ties, in case I was feeling formal. Two extra pairs of trousers, rolled cunningly to prevent creasing. A blazer jacket.

The toilet bag. I went through to the bathroom, put what I needed in the toilet bag, brought it back and packed it. The travelling-bag didn’t look well. It was tumoured in a lot of places. But the zipper closed. I found my migraine pills and squeezed them into a side pocket. St George was ready.

So was Brian. We sat at the table by the window and had breakfast. It looked a nice day. I hadn’t packed a raincoat.

‘This toast’s exhausting,’ Brian said. ‘The kind of stuff you should eat in groups. Too much for one person. Team chewing.’

‘I like it. Makes you appreciate food. You don’t just pop this in your mouth and swallow it. It demands your attention.’

But I knew the vaudeville couldn’t last. The serious act was waiting in the wings.

‘Jack. What do you hope to prove doing what you’re doing?’

‘Whatever I prove.’

‘That’s very good. Come on, Jack. Scott’s dead. He just got knocked down. He was drunk. You blame the driver?’

‘I don’t blame the driver, Brian, be your age. Why would I blame the driver?’

‘So what’s the score? Are you going to indict the traffic system?’

‘It’s just something I want to work out. I’m doing it in my own time. Who am I harming?’

‘Yourself. I would think.’

‘Anyway, what’ll you be up to?’ I said, changing tack.

‘Working with Bob Lilley. His neighbour’s off work as well just now. But not for reasons of insanity.’

‘Uh-huh. Anything on?’

‘There’s a body been found near the river. Across from the Rotunda. Not identified yet. Wearing a rope cravat.’

The Rotunda was an old building that had been turned into a trendy eating-place, symbol of the regenerating Glasgow. Across the Clyde were some of the derelict sites where industry died. I thought of people eating and drinking in the high brightness while, in the darkness across the water where the light didn’t reach, a dead man lay abandoned. Maybe it was just my mood but the conjunction of those two images came to me like a coat-of-arms for the times, motto: live high on the hog and don’t give a shit about other people.

‘Advance word is he was an addict. Bob’s got the report. His arm had been broken recently. And they seem to have given him a sore time before they killed him. Like breaking his fingers one by one.’

‘I think my egg just addled,’ I said. ‘My compliments to the chef. If you would just ask him not to talk during the meal next time.’

We cleared up the debris of the meal and, at Brian’s insistence, washed the dishes.

‘This place is depressing enough to come back to,’ he said. ‘Come back to dirty dishes into the bargain, and the first stop could be your head in the oven.’

‘It’s electric.’

‘So you could cook yourself to death.’

‘I didn’t realise the time,’ I said as I hung up the dish-towel. I would have to wash it some time soon. It was beginning to make the dishes dirtier. ‘I got up later than I thought. Jan should be here soon.’

‘Jan coming?’

‘We thought we would go to the Lock. Have some lunch there. Then she would run me to the station.’

‘Which station?’

‘Central.’

Brian held up his hand.

‘Tell me no more,’ he said. He held his hand to his chin like Sherlock in an old print, pointed his finger at me. ‘Graithnock.’

‘Jeez, you’re good,’ I said. ‘It’s only where Scott lived.’

‘Revisiting the scene of the crime. Except that there is no crime.’ He was kind to my silence, covered it with words. ‘So Jan’s coming.’

‘That’s the idea. A farewell lunch before I venture into the outback.’

‘What’s going to happen with you two?’

‘Ah she’s great,’ I said. ‘What a marvellous woman.’

‘That’s not what I asked.’

‘Brian. I’m in enough shit to fertilise Russia. How do I know what I’m going to do? I know I love her. Whatever that means. But what I do with that, I’ll have to find out. Put your question on hold.’

‘Anyway,’ he said. ‘That gives me a problem. Jan coming. I was going to give you my car.’

‘You’ll need it.’

‘I’ll use Morag’s. She can’t drive anyway, the way she is. She’d need to steer from the back seat.’

Morag was eight months gone. It was their second. Stephanie was fifteen months. They weren’t loitering.

‘You sure?’

‘Be like driving a dodgem car. But I’ll be all right.’

‘Hey, thanks. That would help. You’re not so hard-bitten after all, are you?’

‘I’ve got a soft spot for lunatics. You should never have given Ena the car, anyway.’

‘She needed it more than I did. For the kids.’

‘But how do I get home now? I was hoping you’d drive me there.’

‘I will.’

‘But you’re seeing Jan.’

‘Then you come too.’

‘Oh no. That’s private business.’

‘Brian. We’re going for lunch. Not to the back row of the pictures. We’re all sophisticated adults now, wee man. I think we’ll manage.’

While we waited for Jan, Brian asked me about Ena and the children. I had seen them the day before, Sunday: the day of the child, the new agnostic sabbath when all over the western world diffident fathers turned up to catch a glimpse of the only things they still believed in from their marriage. They brought gifts of ill-fitting clothes and books that would never be read and membership-cards for leisure centres.

I was enlisted in their ranks. The idea depressed me. How about years of that stuff? If I died on a Saturday, they would be losing a stranger. I turned away from the contemplation, bruised. I had bumped into another bad thought. Too much of the furniture of my mind seemed to be constructed these days from despair.

I was glad when Jan tooted the horn. I picked up my travelling-bag, a week in prospect, and Brian and I came out into bright sunshine. Brian waved to Jan and held out his hands and nodded at me. The translation was ‘Blame him’. She smiled. Her smile was a beautiful absolution.

In the car Jan and I kissed, nothing too hot, just checking that the pilot light was still on. After she had pulled away, she referred to the rear-view mirror.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘He’s following us. He’s coming too.’

‘You feel you need support?’

‘Brian’s lending me his car. I’ve got to drive him back home. What else could I-’

‘Jack.’ She could stroke you with your name. ‘I’m kidding. All right? Just as long as we get some time together to talk.’

With that voice and the smell of her, a few of the hormones started to bristle: okay, we might be needed here.

Just when you think you’re dead, life tickles your feet.