Suddenly, Love

45

ERNST’S PAINS HAVE GROWN STRONGER, BUT HE TRIES TO ignore them. Irena brings fruit, vegetables, and flowers from the market. She believes that fresh juice and a devoted heart are necessary for his health.

Not long ago Ernst would get dressed and go out to the café. Going to the café and returning would stimulate his thoughts, but his writing hadn’t progressed. It remained caught in a thicket with no escape. Now the pains are leading him to places where he had been wanting to go for years. Now he is in the Carpathians at his grandparents’ home. But the day is not too far off when he will return to his parents and from there to Tina and Helga, all of whom live in the womb of the Bug River. They all perished on the forced march to that cursed river. Grandmother, too, at the end of her days, was uprooted from her sanctuary and marched with them all, until she collapsed and never rose again.

“Irena,” Ernst says, “last night I dreamed we were both in the Carpathian Mountains. You asked me why everything in the Carpathians is made of wood. I had a long and detailed answer ready, but the words were blocked for some reason. Then you suddenly spoke up and asked for forgiveness for the question, and you said to me, in a clear voice, ‘All the proper sanctuaries are made of wood, because man is like a tree in the field.’ ”

“I said that? Impossible.”

“You did. I heard it with my own ears.”

Once a week Irena returns to her house. She cleans, tidies, and lights a candle. Since she started sleeping in Ernst’s apartment, gloom has settled in her house. Irena tries to sweeten the sadness that has accumulated there. She brings a bunch of flowers and scatters them on the kitchen counters and on the table. Her faith tells her that she must enlist her parents’ help at this time.

But to her regret, her parents don’t take the trouble to come anymore. Irena feels that their failure to return is bound up with an old desire to separate themselves from her. For years they used to say, You have to go out. You have to build a life for yourself. She wants to tell them, You’re wrong. Now I have a companion for life, and I’m bound to him heart and soul. She has often said to herself, What a shame that my parents never knew Ernst. I’m sure they would have loved him.

Sometimes Irena cooks in her house and brings the food to Ernst. There’s no logic in doing this, but it seems to her that the food she cooks there is healthier. When she returns, Ernst asks her, “How’s the house?” Each time she brings word of something new or affecting. This time she told him that the flowers she had put on the table a week ago had dried nicely, and the house was full of their fragrance.

But the pain doesn’t let up. At two in the morning, and sometimes before that, the pain pulls Ernst from his sleep. Since the illness has gotten worse, the pains have increased and become varied. There are stabbing pains, pinching pains, and pains that throb with intense pressure. Irena has many strategies for easing the pain. She doesn’t always succeed, but some nights Ernst falls asleep in her arms, and he is completely hers.

One night Ernst dreamed that Irena was wearing the uniform of the Red Army and they were speeding somewhere together in a jeep. Suddenly the car stops, Irena gets out, removes her boots, and reveals perfect little feet. Ernst is thunderstruck, sinks to his knees, and says, “Captain Ernst Blumenfeld requests permission to kiss your foot.” Without waiting for an answer, he lowers his head and does it.