Tails of Wonder and Imagination

BEAN BAG CATS^® Edward Bryant

FROM: John J. Finnegan, President

Wake & Finnegan

Marketing Division

TO: David Brooks, Head Copywriter, Creative Projects Department

Okay, son. Where is it? Life Pro Labs is getting a little antsy. They’re laying out more cash for this campaign than you know. Show me something rough.

FROM: Brooks

TO: Finnegan

You want it, Boss. It’s yours. It ain’t been easy trying to figure how to sell a pussy that looks like a strudel. Notes follow:

A significant portion of the Bean Bag Cat campaign will obviously be oriented toward urban consumers. A genetically modified, nonambulatory pet will be very attractive to apartment, co-op, and condominium dwellers.

Imagine the numerous possibilities for utilizing what is essentially a live cat without paws or legs. Standard accessory packs should include Velcro grip strips so that the Bean Bag Cat can be placed securely on a sofa arm, chair seat, or any other surface in a limited living space.

Models will initially include the ten most popular feline breeds. BBCs will be available either in kitten or adult format, although the kittens will be hormonally arrested so that they will stay cute for an indefinite product span.

Item: Life Pro Labs says they’ll have the growth-curve problem licked in a year or so, and then we’ll be able to offer a BBC that the consumer can obtain as a kitten and then be able to watch grow into adulthood in a matter of weeks.

They’ll simply have to change the SaniKit attachments. These can be marketed separately as an educational experience for children, emphasizing the lesson of pet care responsibility.

About the SaniKits. Since prospective consumers will obviously realize that the BBC won’t be able to get to a sandbox on its own—or at least not at any practicable speed—the campaign will have to mention the SaniKit bags that the pet owner will be obliged to change at a maximum of three-day intervals.

There must be a marketable way to warn owners that failure to observe the maintenance schedule in the Bean Bag Cat will result minimally in feline renal dysfunction, maximally in cat all over the living room. Perhaps research and development can come up with an audible warning such as the low-battery indicator in home smoke alarms. Call them SaniKat Kits, and Life Pro Labs can look forward to a lucrative accessory trade.

Emphasize in the campaign that Bean Bag Cats will purr, lick, nibble, and squirm just like the original model. But they will not scratch furniture, chase birds, or wander around the neighborhood at night.

FROM: Finnegan

To: Brooks

Looks terrific so far. LPL should love it. One problem. Late word from the lab says there’s a hitch in the DNA splicing for the kitties. First year’s model run will have to be surgically modified from existing stock so as to stay competitive in the marketplace. Will need some glossing. Can do?

FROM: Brooks

TO: Finnegan

No problem. Just like the suicide from drinking varnish: a horrible death but a beautiful finish.

By the by, what have you got for me after I finish pitching the Bean Bag Cats?

FROM: Finnegan

TO: Brooks

A treat.

How do you feel about Modular Dogs^®?