Ten Big Ones

Thirteen

It was ten o'clock at night, and I was bone tired. I'd been cold and wet all day. I had just had an embarrassing phone conversation with Morelli. And one cup of nonfat, unfruited, unsweetened, unchocolated yogurt wasn't doing it for me.

'Sometimes sacrifices need to be made,' I told Rex. 'Sometimes you have to sacrifice weight loss for the pleasure of eating a peanut butter sandwich on worthless white bread.'

I felt a lot better after I ate the peanut butter sandwich on the worthless white bread, so I passed on the milk with the 2 percent butterfat and drank a glass of Ranger's watery, tasteless skim. Am I righteous, or what?

I said good night to Rex, and I switched the light off in the kitchen. I was too tired and cold for television. And I was too grungy just to crawl under the covers. So I dragged myself to the shower.

I stood in the shower until I was pruney and toasty warm. I pulled on red bikini undies and dropped one of Ranger's black T-shirts over my head. I dried my hair, and I climbed into bed.

Heaven. Too bad the bed, the shirt, the whole comfy apartment wasn't actually mine. Too bad it belonged to a guy who could be a little scary. This brought me around to thinking about the lock on the front door. Did I throw the bolt when I came in?

I got out of bed, padded to the front door, and checked the locks. All locked. Not that it mattered with Ranger. He had a way with locks. Didn't matter if it was a deadbolt, a slide bolt, a chain. Nothing stopped Ranger. Fortunately, Ranger wasn't due home.

And the average garden-variety thief, rapist, murderer, gang guy didn't have Ranger skills.

I slumped back to bed and closed my eyes. I was safe for at least a couple more days.

I struggled out of sleep thinking something was wrong. I was caught at the edge of a dream, and something was pulling me awake. It was the light, I thought. Dim but annoying. I'd fallen asleep and left a light burning somewhere in the apartment. Probably did it when I checked the locks. Probably I should get up and turn the light off.

I was on my stomach with my face smushed into the pillow. I squinted at the bedside clock. Two o'clock. I didn't want to get out of bed. To quote Grandma Mazur, I was snug as a bug in a rug. I closed my eyes. The hell with the light.

I was trying hard to ignore the light when I heard the faint rustle of clothing from the far side of the room. If I was a man this would have been the point where my gonads ran for cover and hid inside my body. Since I didn't have any gonads, I kept my eyes closed and hoped death came quickly.

After about twenty seconds of this I got impatient with waiting for death. I opened my eyes and rolled onto my back.

Ranger was leaning one shoulder against the doorjamb, his arms loosely crossed over his chest. He was dressed in his usual working outfit of black T-shirt and black cargo pants.

'I'm trying to decide if I should throw you out the window, or if I should get in next to you,' Ranger said, not looking especially surprised or angry.

'Are there any other options?' I asked him.

'What are you doing here?'

'I needed a safe place to stay.'

His mouth curved at the corners. Not quite a smile but definite amusement. 'And you think this is safe?'

'It was until you came home.'

The brown eyes were unwavering, fixed on me. 'What scares you more… getting thrown out the window or sleeping with me?'

I sat up in bed, pulling the covers up with me. 'Don't flatter yourself. You're not that scary.' Liar, liar, pants on fire! The almost-smile stayed in place. 'I saw the gun and the flak vest when I came in.'

I told him about the death threat from Junkman.

'You should have asked Tank for help,' Ranger said.

'I don't always feel comfortable with Tank.'

'And you feel comfortable with me?'

I hesitated with my answer.

'Babe,' Ranger said. 'You're in my bed.'

'Yes. Well, I guess that would indicate a certain comfort level.'

His attention dropped to my chest. 'Are you wearing my shirt?'

'I have to do laundry.'

Ranger unlaced his boots.

'What are you doing?'

He looked over at me. 'I'm going to bed. I've been up since four this morning, and I just drove nine hours to get home. Half of it in pouring rain. I'm beat. I'm going to take a shower. And I'm going to bed.'

'Um…'

'Don't look so panicked. You can sleep on the couch, or you can leave, or you can stay in the bed. I'm not going to attack you in your sleep. At least it's not my plan right now. We can figure this out in the morning.'

And he disappeared into the bathroom. Heaven help me, I didn't want to give up the bed. It was warm and comfy. The sheets were silky smooth. The pillows were soft.

And the bed was big. I could stay on my side, and he could stay on his side, and we'd be fine, right? Clearly, he didn't think my staying was a sexual invitation. We were adults. We could do this. I turned on my side, face to the wall, back to the bathroom, lulled into sleep by the distant sound of the shower and the rain on the window.

I came awake slowly, thinking I was back at Morelli's house. I could feel the warmth from the man next to me, and I edged closer. I reached out, and the instant my fingertip touched skin I realized my mistake.

'Oops,' I said.

'Babe,' Ranger said, wrapping his arms around me, gathering me close to him.

I meant to push away, but I was distracted by the scent of the sexy shower gel mingled with warm Ranger. 'You smell great,' I told him, my lips brushing against his neck as I spoke, my mind suddenly not totally connected to my mouth. 'I thought of you every time I took a shower. I love this stuff you use.'

'My housekeeper buys it for me,' Ranger said. 'Maybe I should give her a raise.'

And he kissed me.

'Oh shit,' I said.

'Now what?'

'I'm sorry. I'm having a major guilt attack over Morelli.'

'While we're on the subject, why aren't you in his bed?'

'Same old, same old.'

'You had a fight, and you moved out.'

'More like a disagreement.'

'I'm seeing an unhealthy pattern of behavior here, Babe.'

Tell me about it. 'I didn't want to move back home because Junkman was looking for me, and I didn't want to endanger my family.' Plus they'd drive me crazy. 'I was going to sleep in the truck, but it led me here. The GPS was on. I just followed it backwards.'

'And broke into my apartment?'

'I had a key. You don't seem especially upset or surprised that I borrowed your apartment.'

'With the exception of the seventh floor, the entire building inside and out is monitored. Tank called me when you pulled up to the gate. I assumed you had a good reason for needing the apartment, so I told him to let you stay.'

'That was nice of you.'

'Yeah, I'm a nice guy. And I'm late for work.' He rolled out of bed, stood at bedside, pressed speaker phone, and hit a button.

A woman's voice came on. 'Good morning,' she said. 'Welcome home.'

'Breakfast for two this morning,' Ranger said. And he disconnected.

I looked over at him. He was wearing the black silk boxers. They sat disturbingly low on his hip, and his hair was mussed from sleep.

How I'd managed to stop kissing him and give in to the guilt was a mystery. Even now, I was having a hard time not jumping across the bed and grabbing him.

'What was that?' I asked, thankful my voice didn't sound as breathless as I felt.

'Ella and Louis Guzman manage this building for me. I work here, and sometimes I sleep here. That's about it. Ella makes it easy for me. She does the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping.'

'And she brings you breakfast?'

'She'll be at the door in ten minutes. I've never had a woman here before, so she's going to be curious. Just smile and endure it. She's a very nice lady.'

I was dressed and had my teeth brushed when Ella rang the bell. I opened the door to her, and she bustled in carrying a large silver tray.

'Hello. Good morning!' she said, all smiles as she swept past me.

She was small and robust with short black hair and bright bird eyes. Early fifties, I thought. She was wearing bright red lipstick.

No other makeup. She was dressed in black jeans and a black V-neck knit shirt. She set the tray on the dining-room table and laid out two place settings.

This is Rangers usual breakfast,' Ella said to me. 'If you would like something different I'd be happy to make it for you. Maybe some eggs?'

'Thank you. This will be fine. It looks lovely.'

Ella excused herself and retreated, closing the door behind herself. She'd brought hot coffee in a silver pot with matching cream and sugar, a platter of sliced fruit and berries, a small silver dish of lox, and two small pots of cream cheese. A white linen napkin covered a basket of sliced, toasted bagels.

Ranger was in the bedroom, lacing his boots. He was dressed in his usual uniform, hair still damp from the shower.

'What is that?' I said, arm straight, finger pointing to the dining room.

He rose out of the chair and walked to the doorway. 'Breakfast?'

'You eat like this everyday?'

'Every day that I'm here.'

'What about the tree bark and wild roots?'

He poured the coffee and took some fruit. 'Only when I'm in a third-world jungle. And I'm almost never in one of those.'

'I've been eating that cardboard cereal in your cupboard.'

Ranger cut his eyes to me. 'Babe, I looked in my cupboard. You've got Frosted Flakes in there.'

'So,' I said, 'is this the Bat Cave?'

'This is an apartment I keep in my office building. I have similar buildings and apartments in Boston, Atlanta, and Miami. It turns out security is big business these days. I supply a variety of services to a wide range of clients. Trenton was my first base of operation, and it's the place I spend most of my time. My family is still in Jersey.'

'Why all the secrecy?'

'We're not secretive about the office buildings, but we try to keep a low profile.'

'We?'

'I have partners.'

'Let me guess the Justice League. The Flash, Wonder Woman, and Superman.'

Ranger looked like he was thinking about smiling.

'Okay, forget the partners,' I said. 'I want to get back to the Bat Cave. Is there a Bat Cave?'

Ranger took a bagel and speared some lox onto it. 'You're going to have to work harder for that one. It's not in the phone book, and GPS isn't going to take you there.'

A challenge.

Ranger glanced at his watch. 'I have five minutes. Tell me about Junkman.'

'Not much to tell. He wants to kill me. I told you everything I know last night.'

'What are you doing about it?'

'Connie and Lula and I kidnapped a Slayer. The plan was to get him to talk to us about Junkman, but we haven't had any luck.'

Ranger finished his bagel and pushed back from the table to finish his coffee. 'Kidnapping a Slayer is good. Why wouldn't he talk?'

'He didn't want to.'

Ranger paused with the coffee cup halfway to his mouth. 'You're supposed to persuade him.'

'We were going to slap him around, but when we got him tied to the chair it turned out none of us could hit him.'

Ranger burst out laughing and coffee sloshed out of his cup onto the table. He put the coffee down and reached for his napkin, trying not to laugh, not having a lot of luck at it.

'Jeez,' I said. 'I think that's the first time I've ever seen you laugh like that.'

There's not a lot to laugh about when you're knee deep in garbage. And that's where we usually operate.' He swiped his napkin across the table, blotting up the coffee spill.

'If you have all this, why do you still do fugitive apprehension?'

'I'm good at it. And someone has to do the job.'

I followed him into his dressing room and watched him open the locked drawer and remove a gun. I was working hard at keeping my eyes focused above his waist, but I was thinking no underwear!

'Do you still have your Slayer hidden away?' he asked.

'Yes.'

'Is he secure?'

'Yes,' I said.

'My day is filled, but we can talk to him tonight. In the meantime, don't have any contact with this guy. Don't feed him. Let him worry.' He clipped the gun to his belt. 'I need the truck. Use one of the Porsches. The keys are in the plate on the sideboard. The communication room and gym are on the fifth floor. Feel free to use the gym. Ella and Louis live on the sixth floor. You can intercom number six if you need anything. She'll be in today to make the bed and clean and pick up laundry. She'll do your laundry if you leave it out for her.' He glanced at his watch again. 'I have a meeting scheduled. I'm assuming you want to live here a while longer?'

'Yes.' I didn't have a lot of good choices.

His mouth curved into the almost-smile. 'You're going to be indebted to me, Babe. You want to start working on that guilt problem.'

Oh boy.

He grabbed me and kissed me, and I felt my toes curl. And I wondered how long it would take me to get him undressed. And just exactly how many minutes did he have before the meeting. I didn't think I needed a lot of time. After all, he wasn't wearing any undies. That would help, right?

'I have to go,' he said. 'I'm late.'

Thank God, he was late. There were no minutes. No time to cheat on Joe. No time to send myself straight to hell. I smoothed the wrinkles from his shirt where my fingers had gripped the material. 'Do you know where the truck is?'

'It's in the garage. I had Tank bring it in last night. All the cars and trucks are equipped with GPS tracking. We always know where they are.'

Great. Really glad I went to the trouble to park two blocks away.

I showered and dressed and left the apartment, being careful not to run into any of the men. I suspected they were also careful not to run into me. The arrangement felt awkward.

I chose the Turbo, parking at the curb when I got to the office, so I could keep an eye on the car. It was one thing to lose a bargain-basement Lincoln; I didn't want to get a bunch of unnecessary holes in Ranger's megabucks Porsche.

'Holy crap,' Lula said, staring out the window at the Porsche. 'Is that Ranger's Turbo?'

'Yes He's back, and he needed the truck, so he gave me the 911. He's going to talk to our friend tonight. He said we shouldn't have any contact with him. And he didn't want us to feed him.'

'Fine by me,' Connie said. I'm not anxious to repeat yesterday's performance.'

'Yeah,' Lula said. That was embarrassing.'

'Anything new on the books?' I asked.

'No, but you have three outstandings,' Connie said. 'Shoshanna Brown, Harold Pancek, and the thumb guy, Jamil Rodriguez. Maybe you want to leave Rodriguez for Ranger.'

'We'll see how it goes,' I said. 'I'm going to pick up Shoshanna Brown this morning.'

Lula looked at me hopefully. 'Need any help?'

'Not with Brown. I've picked her up before. She's usually cooperative.' And to make things even easier, I'd chosen the flashy Turbo. Shoshanna would be at home smoking weed in her rat trap apartment, watching the Travel Channel on her stolen television, and she'd happily trade her freedom for a ride in the Porsche. Shoshanna lived in the projects on the other side of town. I took Hamilton to Olden and wound my way around, avoiding known Slayer territory. I parked in front of Shoshanna's building and called her. Ordinarily, I'd march up to Shoshannas front door and encourage her to come with me in person. If I did that today, alone and in the Porsche, the car would be gone the instant I turned my back.

'Yeah, what?' Shoshanna said, answering the phone.

'Its Stephanie Plum. I want you to look out your front window.'

'This better be good. I'm watching a show on the best bathrooms in Vegas.'

'I came to take you for a ride in Ranger's Turbo.'

'Are you shitting me? The Porsche? You came to pick me up in the Porsche? Hold on. I'll be right out. I just gotta put on some lipstick for my new photo. I've been waiting for you anyway I'm hoping I get sent to the workhouse on account of I got a tooth that's killing me, and they got a good dentist there. I won't have to pay for it or nothing.'

Two minutes later, Shoshanna burst out of her apartment and angled herself into the Porsche. 'Now this is class,' she said. 'I hope some of my neighbors are watching. I don't suppose you could drive me past my friend Latisha Anne's apartment so she could see?'

I drove Shoshanna past Latisha Anne's apartment, Shirelle Marie's apartment, and Lucy Sue's apartment. And then I drove her to jail.

Shoshanna was cuffed to the bench when I left with my paperwork. Thanks,' she said. 'See you next time.'

'You might want to think about staying out of trouble.'

'It's no problema,' she said. 'I only get caught when I need dental.'

Morelli was waiting for me outside. 'Nice car,' he said.

'I borrowed it from Ranger to get Shoshanna. She jumped right in.'

'Clever.'

I was choking on guilt. My throat was dry and my chest was hot.

I could feel sweat beginning to prickle at the roots of my hair. I happen to be excellent at rationalizing away acts of dumbness, but this one had me for a loss. I'd slept with Ranger! Not sexually, of course. But I'd been in his bed. And then there was the evil shower gel. And the kisses. And heaven help me, there'd been desire. A lot of desire.

'It was all because of the shower gel,' I said.

Morelli's eyes narrowed. 'Shower gel?'

I made a major effort not to sigh. 'Long story. You probably don't want to hear it. Out of morbid curiosity, what sort of a relationship do we have?'

It looks to me like we're in the off stage of on again, off again. Or maybe we're still on again… but in a remote sort of way.'

'Suppose I wanted to change it to full-time on again?'

'For starters, you'd have to get a new job. Or even better, no job at all.'

'No job?'

'You could be a housewife,' Morelli said.

Our eyes locked in stunned disbelief that he'd suggested such a thing.

'Okay, maybe not a housewife,' Morelli said.

I sensed a slur on my ability to housewife. 'I could be a housewife if I wanted. I'd be a good one, too.'

'Sure you would,' Morelli said. 'Eventually. Maybe.'

'It's just that I was surprised because marriage is usually a prerequisite to being a housewife.'

'Yeah,' Morelli said. 'Isn't that a frightening thought?'

Lula and Connie had their noses pressed against the front window when I got out of Ranger's Cayenne.

'Where's the Turbo? What happened to the Turbo?' Lula wanted to know. 'You didn't destroy the Turbo, did you?'

I gave Connie the body receipt. 'The Turbo is fine. I swapped it out after I dropped Shoshanna at the police station. It was good for luring Shoshanna out of her house, but it didn't suit my purposes for this afternoon. I thought we'd go looking for Pancek again, and we need a back seat in case we get lucky.'

I was standing with my back to the door, and I saw Connie's eyes go wide.

'Be still my heart,' Lula said, looking past me, through the window to the sidewalk.

I figured they were looking at either Johnny Depp or Ranger. My money was on Ranger. The door opened, and I glanced over my shoulder, just in case, not wanting to miss Johnny Depp. But then not entirely disappointed when it turned out to be Ranger.

He crossed the room and stood close behind me, his hand at my back, heating the skin beneath his touch.

'Tank said you wanted me to stop by,' he said to Connie.

Connie took the Jamil Rodriguez file from her desktop. 'I originally gave this to Stephanie, but she's got a lot on her plate right now.'

Ranger took the file and flipped through it. 'I know this guy. The thumb belongs to Hector Santinni. Santinni stiffed Rodriguez on a drug sale, so Rodriguez chopped Santinni's thumb off and put it in a jar of formaldehyde. Rodriguez carries the thumb everywhere. Thinks the thumb gives him an edge.'

'So much for the edge,' Connie said. The police have the thumb.'

'A lot more where that came from,' Ranger said. His hand moved to the base of my neck. Your call, Babe,' he said to me. 'Do you want him?'

'Is he a gang guy?'

'No. He's an independent nut case.'

'I'll keep him.'

'He's probably looking for a new thumb,' Ranger said. 'So be careful. Most afternoons you can find him at the bar on the corner of Third and Laramie.'

His fingertips trailed the length of my spine, triggering feelings I was determined to ignore. And he was gone.

'Damn,' Lula said, doing thumbs up, eyes fixed on the thumbs.

'I don't know if I want to go after a guy who's going big game hunting for a thumb. I'm real attached to mine.'

I made chicken sounds and did wing flaps.

'Huh,' Lula said. 'Smart-ass. What makes you so brave all of a sudden?'

For starters, every move I made in the Cayenne was tracked at RangeMan Central. And if that wasn't enough, I suspected I was being followed. Ranger and Morelli always ran neck and neck in the vote of no confidence race. The only difference being in the level of sneakiness. Ranger always won out on sneaky. When there's a code-red danger alert, Morelli rants and raves and tries to lock me away. Ranger just assigns a goon to watch over me.

Sometimes the goons are visible. Sometimes the goons are invisible. Whatever the state of visibility, they stick to me like glue, preferring death to the hideous task of informing Ranger they've lost me. I turned and looked out the window in time to see Ranger pull away in the big bad truck. A shiny black SUV with tinted windows was left idling at curbside behind the Cayenne. 'That's what makes me so brave,' I said.

'Huh,' Lula said, following my eyes to the SUV. 'I knew that.'

Lula and I left the bonds office and climbed into the Cayenne.

'I thought we'd drive past Pancek's house first,' I said. 'See if he's returned.'

'Are you gonna try to lose the SUV?'

'I can't lose the SUV as long as I'm in this car. It's hooked into a GPS tracking system.'

'I bet there's a way to disable it,' Lula said. 'This is one of Rangers personal cars, and I bet there's times Ranger doesn't want anyone to know where he's going.'

I'd had the same thought, but for now I didn't want to disable the system. And I didn't want to lose my bodyguard. I had the flak vest and sweatshirt in the back seat and Ranger's loaded gun in my purse. I thought I was relatively safe until Junkman made his third hit, but I wasn't taking unnecessary chances.

I glanced back at the SUV. 'To tell you the truth, I'm happy to have the added protection.'

'I hear you,' Lula said.

I drove a block down Hamilton, left-turned into the Burg, and followed the maze of streets that led to Canter. I didn't see the blue Honda Civic parked anywhere near Pancek's apartment. I parked two houses down, put my Kevlar vest on under the sweatshirt, got out of the car, and walked to Pancek's door. I rang the bell. No answer. I rang two more times and returned to the car.

'No luck,' I told Lula.

'Are we going back to Newark?'

'Not today. Ranger told me where I can find Rodriguez. I thought I'd go after him while I have an escort.'

'On the one hand, that sounds good,' Lula said. 'Like, we got some help if we need it. On the other hand, if we screw up we got a witness laughing his ass off.'

Lula had a point. 'Maybe we won't screw up.'

'I just hope it's not Tank back there. I wouldn't mind taking Tank home with me someday, and it would put a crimp in my plans to embarrass myself with a lame bust.'

The SUV was half a block back. Too far for us to see its occupants. We were debating the embarrassment potential when my phone rang.

'Where are you?' Sally wanted to know. 'We've been waiting for twenty minutes.'

'Waiting?'

'You were supposed to meet us to get your dress fitted for the wedding.'

'Crap. I forgot.'

'How could you forget? Your sister's getting married. It's not like this happens every day. How do you expect me to plan this wedding if you forget things?'

'I'll be right there.'

'We're at the Bride Shoppe next to Tasty Pastry.'

'What'd you forget?' Lula wanted to know.

'I was supposed to go for a fitting for my bridesmaid dress. They're all waiting for me. This will only take a minute. I'll run in and run out, and we can go look for Rodriguez.'

'I love wedding dresses,' Lula said. 'I might buy one even if I never get married. I like the bridesmaid dresses, too. And you know what else I like… wedding cake.'