The Adulteress

Blackmail

I DON’T KNOW HOW long I stood there looking down at him. I felt numb and a terrible sorrow swept over me.

Tenderness welled up in me for his kindness, his sweetness and all his goodness to me. And how had I repaid him?

I sank to my knees and buried my face against the bedclothes. Pictures kept coming and going in my mind. I saw him as a boy when he had let me go with him, when we played our games; and later when we had loved and married and everything had seemed right—until I met Gerard and realized that I had never known passion and erotic love and that I was of a nature to find them irresistible.

I don’t know how long I stayed there but when I arose from my knees, stiff and cold, I saw that it was nearly four o’clock.

I took his hand. It was very cold; and the peaceful smile was still on his lips.

I must call Charles. Though there was nothing he could do for Jean-Louis now.

Somehow I could not take any action. I felt that I wanted to be alone with Jean-Louis for the last time. I wished there was some way of letting him know how much I had appreciated him. I fervently hoped that he had never had an inkling of my infidelity. Then a terrible fear came to me that he might have known. Had I changed when I came back after that visit to Eversleigh and I did have a child … the child which he could not give me? Did he suspect that Charles and I were more than friends?

Dear Jean-Louis! One thing I did know was that if some instinct had told him the truth he would understand.

I kept my vigil by his bedside until six o’clock. Then I went to the bell rope and pulled it. The clanging rang through the house. They would guess that I needed help with Jean-Louis.

The first person to arrive was Miss Carter. She looked pale and different from usual with two plaits hanging over her shoulders tied at the ends with a piece of pink wool.

I said: “My husband died in the night. …”

She looked at Jean-Louis and turned pale. She closed her eyes and her lips moved as though she was praying.

She said: “I will go and get help.”

“I think,” I said, “that someone should go at once for the doctor.”

She ran away and I noticed then the laudanum bottle which Jean-Louis had left on the table. I took it and locked it in the dressing room cupboard.

It was a great relief to see Charles.

He came hurrying into the room, and taking one look at Jean-Louis, went swiftly to the bed. He stood looking down at him. Then he took his hand and touched his eyelids, drawing them down over his eyes.

“He’s been dead for some time,” he said.

“Yes,” I answered.

Charles bent over and put his face close to the dead one.

“Charles,” I said, “he did it. He took the bottle from the cupboard.”

“I thought …”

“Yes. I had the key in the secret drawer … but he knew it was there. It was the obvious place to put it … and he knew about the drawer in that desk. He came and got the key and the bottle. … He had talked to me about it just before. He had said it was the best way. I told him not to talk like that … but he must have had it in his mind to do it.”

“Where is the bottle?”

“I put it back in the cupboard.”

“Go and get it.”

I did so. He looked at it. “When did you get this? Two days ago? My God, he’s had enough to kill three people.”

“It was what he wanted. He couldn’t endure the pain anymore.”

“Zipporah,” he said quietly, “there mustn’t be talk about this. In view of everything … we can’t have it said that he died of an overdose of laudanum. … People might say …”

“That I gave it to him?”

“People will say anything.”

“Charles … you don’t think … ?”

“Of course not. I understand how it happened.”

“In a way I did kill him,” I said. “I knew he was going to do it … and I let him. That’s as bad as killing, isn’t it? I’m a murderess … as well as an adulteress.”

“Hush. Don’t say such things.” He looked round him. “For God’s sake be careful. It may be that … never mind. The thing is now that Jean-Louis is dead. Life was intolerable for him. He suffered a great deal of pain and naturally it weakened his heart. He died of heart failure. It was to be expected. I expected it.”

I wanted him to put his arms about me, to reassure me.

He looked at me sadly and said quietly: “We shall have to be very careful … for a while.”

Jean-Louis was buried in the Eversleigh mausoleum. There were many to mourn him for he had been very much liked.

“Poor gentleman,” said the tenants, “he suffered enough, God knows. It can only be a happy release.”

A happy release. That was the way to look at it.

I saw little of Charles. There was no excuse now for me to go to the house to collect the medicine. I did see him at Enderby and we had snatched conversations. There had been no lovemaking. It seemed that we had lost our taste for it.

We met in the woods a little distance from the houses.

Then he was as tender as ever. “We’ll be married,” he said. “It’s what I’ve always longed for. But we shall have to wait a year … and just at present it should not be known that we are meeting.”

I was concerned about Lottie. She mourned Jean-Louis deeply. It was strange to see her subdued. Hetty said that she hardly ever went to see the children now. I spoke to Isabel about her and she said: “She needs a new interest. Why don’t you let her give a hand in the hospital? I am sure they could do with auxiliary helpers. Charles says they are always short of staff. It’s nothing much they can do … but they can make beds and take the food round and things like that. If you’d like me to speak to Charles …”

I said I would and as a result both Lottie and Miss Carter went off every other day to work in the hospital.

I think it did Lottie good because she seemed to take interest in the work and was now talking a great deal about the mothers and their babies.

Letters came from Clavering. As soon as the weather allowed it they would come over and now that poor Jean-Louis was gone there was nothing to keep me from coming to them … often. I must pay a visit with Lottie. They longed to see me. But first they would come over to us.

There were always letters for Lottie which she would seize on with delight. She would take them to her room and emerge starry-eyed.

She was still young enough, I thought, to enjoy getting letters but she was growing up fast. She was mature for her age and it was touching to see her breaking out into womanhood.

I felt as though I were in limbo. The days seemed long. I filled them with trivial tasks and I kept telling myself: This must pass.

In a year’s time I was to marry Charles. He had said that we had to try to forget everything that had gone before … and that applied to both of us. We had to start a new life. Once we were together we must never look back.

It was the end of March, a stormy day with rain clouds being harried across the sky by a blustering southwest wind.

I was in the hall when Lottie came in with Madeleine Carter. They had ridden home from the hospital and were soaked to the skin.

“Now you must get those wet things off right away,” I said.

“All right,” said Lottie. “Don’t fuss, mama. All in good time.”

“Good time is now,” I said. “Come on.”

I went with her into her room and while she was peeling off her riding skirt I got out fresh things from the drawers of her cupboard.

She stood before me without her bodice and hanging round her neck was a gold chain. I knew the chain well. I had given it to her myself but attached to it was a ring.

I looked at it in amazement.

A ring! And such a ring! It was a square-cut sapphire surrounded by diamonds.

I took it in my hand and looked at it.

She flushed a little. Then she said: “I’m betrothed. That’s my betrothal ring.”

“Betrothed! At your age!”

“I get older every day. I’m going to be married on the day I’m sixteen.”

“Lottie! What do you mean? Who … ?”

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” she said. “We went to London and chose it together.”

“Who?” I said. “Who … ?”

She looked at me roguishly. “You’re going to be surprised.”

“Tell me,” I said. -

“Dickon.”

“Dickon!” I felt as though the room was spinning round me. You don’t mean … ?”

“I knew you’d be surprised. He said not to tell you … yet. So I wore the ring round my neck instead of on my finger.”

“Dickon!” I said again. “But it’s nonsense … it’s absurd.”

“Why?” she asked sharply.

“He’s old …”

“He’s not old. I don’t like young boys in any case. Dickon is forever young … and he’s not old really. He’s about eleven years older than I am. That’s nothing.”

I said: “You must send that ring back.”

“I shall not.”

“You must stop this nonsense.”

“Why are other people’s love affairs nonsense … ?”

“You don’t understand.”

“I do. You think I’m a baby. You want me to stay a little girl forever because it makes you feel young. Mothers are like that.”

“Oh no … no, Lottie,” I said. “Anyone else … but not Dickon.”

“Why don’t you like him? Everybody else does. Grandmother and Aunt Sabrina thought it was wonderful. They said I was the luckiest girl. We had a party to celebrate … just among ourselves … for now. Dear mama, don’t quarrel. It has to be, you know. People have to marry. It won’t make any difference to us … you and me … we’ll always be the same.”

I couldn’t speak. I was so horrified.

She changed into her dry clothes and, taking the ring from the chain, put it on her finger.

“There’s no need for it to be a secret now,” she said.

I couldn’t talk to her anymore. I put my arms round her and held her against me. She thought that was acceptance of her engagement.

Then I left her and went to my room.

I wrote to Dickon.

“This has to stop. I shall never give my consent to a marriage between you and Lottie. I know how unhappy you will make her. I realize your motives. You wanted Eversleigh and see this as a way of getting it. I will never consent to this marriage and if Lottie married without my consent she should never inherit Eversleigh. I want you to stop this nonsense immediately. Zipporah.”

I sent a messenger off at once and tried hard to grapple with this new problem.

A week had scarcely passed when he came to Eversleigh. I was glad that I saw him first. I was in the hall when he burst in, having left his horse in the stables.

“You look surprised,” he said smiling blandly. “I thought I detected a certain urgency in your note.”

“You have come to see me?”

“You and my adorable Lottie, of course. But you first. I have something to say to you. I don’t think either of us want delay. Shall we go somewhere where we can be alone?”

“Come to my sitting room,” I said. “Come quietly. I don’t want anyone to know you are here yet.”

“You mean … Lottie?”

“I mean anyone.”

He seemed to dominate my sitting room as he did every room. He sat down on a chair, crossed his well-shaped legs, flicked a speck of dust from his fine hose and regarded me with a kind of tolerant amusement.

I said I was shocked to discover what had been going on.

“You are too easily shocked, Zipporah … for a woman of the world.”

I hated the veiled suggestion in the words.

I said: “Understand. There is no betrothal between you and Lottie.”

“Oh, but there is! We have plighted our troth, as they say, and we have sworn that nothing … just nothing … shall stand in the way of our marriage.”

“I shall stand in the way.”

“I don’t think you will, Zipporah. You are a very sensible woman. I have always thought that. I have admired you, you know. At first you gave the impression of being a little dull … but we know different from that. You are a woman who has lived dangerously. Oh yes, I have always had a great admiration for you, Zipporah.”

“Spare the praises. I can’t reciprocate.”

“You are rather ungrateful, aren’t you? Have you forgotten how once I saved your life?”

“You seem unable to forget it. And I am sure you had a reason for doing it other than saving me.”

“Well, I was fond of you … and there was Eversleigh. You had to inherit it. Who knew who that crazy old Uncle Carl might have left it to, failing you!”

“You are quite cynical.”

“I’m truthful. In your upright moments you surely believe in truth.”

“Dickon,” I said, “stop bantering. I want you to tell Lottie that you couldn’t possibly be serious because she is only a child. Tell her gently. Imply it was only a game. I don’t want her hurt.”

“It’s not a game. True, she is young yet. I have five … possibly six years’ courting to do. That’s all to the good. Look at you and Jean-Louis. I wonder if you would have married him if you had not been brought up with the idea that it was expected. That’s how I intend it to be with Lottie. I shall charm her more and more with the years and when she is sixteen she will realize that she cannot do without me.”

“It’s Eversleigh you want. You believe she will inherit it.”

“Of course.”

“If Lottie married you she would not have Eversleigh.”

“I think she would. Oh, you mean you will marry your doctor and you’re not too old to produce a child. You could manage it … a forceful woman like you. Is that the idea?”

“No,” I said. “It is not.”

“Listen, Zipporah, you are going to give your blessing to our courtship. You have no alternative. In the first place there is your reputation to think of. Then, perhaps even more important … there is the doctor’s.”

“Will you stop talking nonsense and talk sense.”

“This is sense, plain, hard, unvarnished common sense. Let me recapitulate a little. In the first place I know of your little flutter with the Frenchman. What is Lottie going to say when she knows that her father was not Jean-Louis but an unknown … gentleman. Very charming … very attractive, I grant you. But our dear little Lottie was begotten in sin, was she not? Owing to the adultery of her mother …”

“Be silent.”

“All right,” he said. “You wouldn’t want it known, I know. You managed it all very well. I admired you for that, Zipporah. But I knew all about it. I have always been observant and made use of that. I have my spies posted in convenient places.”

I thought: Evalina, of course! She must have seen him climbing into my room … perhaps she saw his leaving. But she knew and she passed the information on to where it could do me most harm.

“Nor is that all. You are deep, dear Zipporah. Why, you are a sinner such as I am. My heart goes out to you. You are not the sort of woman to accept meekly what fate deals out. You make life your own way. Now that is something I greatly admire. But we have to pay for our little adventures, don’t we? I know about you and the doctor, Zipporah. You would like that to be nice and respectable now. It is best with the medical profession … particularly when there have been unpleasant rumors in the past. Oh yes, I made it my business to learn about your doctor and his mad wife. … He was lucky to get through that. But he is another like us. He does not let life take charge of him. He’s a very worthy fellow … running a hospital for fallen women and the like … a philanthropist, no less. And then he falls in love. Poor Jean-Louis is in the way, but Jean-Louis is very sick. He needs the doctor’s ministrations, and one day he dies. Poor Jean-Louis! He died of heart failure, says the doctor. Now I have a strong suspicion that he died of an overdose of laudanum.”

I had turned very pale. He looked so evil standing there smiling at me.

“This is a ridiculous conjecture,” I stammered.

“Well, I daresay it could be proved, could it not? I think they can tell these things. They’re very clever, you know.”

“Do you mean to say you … you … would … ?”

“I am a very determined man, Zipporah. I want to marry Lottie and I want Eversleigh. It’s true that you could stand in my way. All I am doing is point out to you the foolhardiness of doing so.”

“It’s blackmail,” I said.

“It’s getting what I want. I intend always to do that, Zipporah.”

I turned away, too sick at heart, too frightened to speak.

Jean-Louis had killed himself—but I had not stood in his way. It was what he had wanted. Should I have stopped him? And if I had then would he not have tried again? I could have put the key somewhere else.

No, I thought, a person in Jean-Louis’s position should have the right to decide. Months, perhaps years of pain stretched out ahead of him and he had decided to end his life.

Because that meant giving me a glimpse of future happiness had I been to blame?

There were times when I called myself murderess as well as adulteress.

And there was Dickon smiling that cold insolent smile … putting all his cards on the table … his aces, which he would play with relish and ruin us … most of all Charles.

Charles could not afford to be involved in further scandal. It would finish his career as a doctor.

And I … how could I prove that Jean-Louis had taken the extra dose himself?

Dickon stood up and put his hand on my arm.

“Think about it, Zipporah,” he said. “I’d be a good son-in-law. You’d be surprised how good. I’ve always been fond of you. … You mustn’t stand in our way, though … and now I shall go and break the good news to Lottie that I am here.”

I did not know how to act. I could not bear to tell Charles what had happened. I did not know what action he would take. I felt he might say, “Let him do his worst. Let us tell Lottie everything and let her decide what sort of man this is she plans to marry.”

Lottie was a child. I could not believe that her feelings were very deeply involved as yet. But what could I do?

An idea came to me. Suppose she went right away … suppose she saw an entirely new world? Would such a prospect be attractive enough to take her away from Dickon?

It was a chance. It was something I had wanted to do for a long time.

In fact ever since I had thought of marrying Charles I had wanted to do this.

I went to the little ebony box which I always kept locked. I opened it and took out a small piece of paper.

Written on it were the words Gerard d’Aubigné, Chateau d’Aubigné, Eure, France.

I held it in my hands for a long time and I seemed to see his face smiling at me.

Would he remember? I was sure he would. He had sworn he would never forget but perhaps such vows came easily to men like him.

This was a flimsy straw. It was all I had. I clung to it. I picked up a pen and started to write, and as I did so … it all came back … the first meeting on the haunted patch, the headlong rush to passion.

“There was a child,” I wrote. “A daughter … a delightful girl. She is in some danger now. … If you would invite her to your chateau, I would perhaps get her to come to see you. I am sure she would wish to see her father. …”

I sealed the letter.

Old Jethro’s grandson was a good boy, an adventurous boy. I could trust him, I was sure.

I sent for him and told him that I wanted him to leave as soon as he could for France. It was a secret mission so he was not to tell anyone where he was going.

He was to hand this letter to a certain Gerard d’Aubigné and to no one else. If he could not find him or learned that he was out of France or dead, he was to come straight back to me with the letter.

Jethro’s grandson’s eyes sparkled at the prospect of carrying out the mission. As I said, he was a boy who dreamed of great adventures.

He was here in the house. Dickon the destroyer.

I hated him, because I could see that he held our destinies in his hands. Whichever way I turned I knew that we could not stand out against him.

I could for myself. I would defy him. But what of Charles? Suppose they discovered that Jean-Louis had died from an excess of the drug? Charles had said he had died of heart failure. He would be ruined. Old scandals would be revived. It would be remembered that he had prescribed that which killed his wife and child.

As for myself … I would stand exposed, adulteress and perhaps murderess. I would face all that to save Lottie … but should I save her? I could not do this to Charles.

I had to see him.

I rode into town and was relieved to find him there.

He listened in shocked silence to what I had to tell him.

“That fiend knows everything,” he said.

“He admits to having his spies. Someone must have seen us together … and told him. Evalina! You remember that day in the woods. It might even have been Hetty. She was under his spell in a way, I believe. … One can never be sure with Dickon. He has a sort of evil power. Lottie’s life will be ruined if she marries him. All he wants is Eversleigh. She would never understand his ways. He would break her heart. Charles, what can we do?”

He said: “We can stand up and face everything.”

“They will say we killed Jean-Louis. We shall never be able to explain. Your career will be at an end. You will never be allowed to practice again.”

“It would be the end … for both of us, Zipporah,” he said. “Murder … yes, they would say it was murder.”

“I could have stopped him,” I said. “I will take the blame. It is mine. I should have stopped him.”

“You knew how he suffered.”

“But I let him do that. I knew what he was doing … and I let him.”

“Because you knew it was his wish.”

“Oh, Charles, what are we to do?”

“I don’t know. We have to think. We must not act rashly.”

“I have done something, Charles. I have written to Lottie’s father. I have asked him to invite her there to see him. When I hear from him I shall send her to him. That will take her away … for a while. New impressions … I was thinking …”

“It might help. Who can say? In the meantime …”

“Yes,” I said, “in the meantime …”

“We can only wait.”

He kissed me tenderly.

“Perhaps it will come right in the end. Do you think it will, Zipporah?”

“Yes,” I said, “if we let it … perhaps it will. We shall have to forget so much.”

I saw his tortured face, then he said: “I don’t think I ever could be at peace remembering. You see, Dorinda so much wanted to live. Jean-Louis wanted to die.”

Then he held me against him. We clung together. We were both afraid to look too far ahead.

I rode slowly back to the house. It was deserted. There seemed to be an unnatural quiet everywhere. I went to my room and as I glanced out of the window I saw that there was a strange glow in the sky.

I ran toward it.

Fire. In the distance, I saw the billowing smoke and the flames shooting up.

I wondered where it could be.

I went downstairs. I saw one of the older women servants in the hall.

I said: “There’s a fire somewhere.”

“Yes,” she said. “It’s the hospital. They’m all gone over to lend a hand.”

I ran out into the stables.

Within a short while I was riding hard for the hospital.