The Android's Dream

Chapter 16

On the periphery of the Nidu computer network, Brian waited for a sign. He wasn't waiting alone.

"They've jumped out of n-space, you know," Andrea Hayter-Ross said, floating next to Brian and sitting at that damned patio table of hers.

"I know," Brian said. "I'm getting better at the whole 'being multiple places at once' thing."

"There's a good boy," Hayter-Ross said. "You're showing off your learning curve again."

"Thanks, Grandma," Brian said.

"And saucy too," Hayter-Ross said. "Just the way I like my boys. So, how are you enjoying it? Being on the cusp of history?"

"I'm not," Brian said. "I hate the waiting. I want it to begin."

"Patience, Brian," Hayter-Ross said. "It won't be long now. Narf-win-Getag is heading his shuttle straight for the Fehenjuni—that"s the imperial court, you know."

"I know," Brian said.

"Of course you do," Hayter-Ross said. "Narf-win-Getag isn't even letting Creek and Robin choose an appropriate wardrobe for themselves, he's in such a rush. He's going to have robes waiting for them at the Fehenjuni,"

"Can you blame him?" Brian said. "He's spent decades plotting and planning. Now he figures he's just an hour or two away from his prize. When you're ready for your future, you want it to happen as soon as possible. This guy's an asshole, but I sympathize with his point of view on that particular subject."

"Well, both of you will be living in the future soon enough," Hayter-Ross said. "In the meantime, Brian, sit down and have a cup of tea with me."

"The tea doesn't exist, you know," Brian said. "And anyway, I hate tea."

"Silly boy," Hayter-Ross said, as she poured Brian a cup anyway. "I know the tea doesn't exist. And you ought to know by now that just because I give you tea doesn't mean you can't change it to whatever you want when you drink it."

"I never thought of it that way," Brian said.

"I know," Hayter-Ross said, holding the cup up for Brian to take. "But you're going to have to get used to thinking about things a whole new way. This is as good a place as any to start."

"Wow," Robin Baker said, in spite of herself. "Have you ever seen a room like this?"

"One time," Creek said. "In Jerusalem. The Dome of the Rock. But this is much bigger."

The two were standing in the center of the Great Hall of the Fehen, itself the heart of the immense complex known as the Fehenjuni, the Seat of the Fehen. The Great Hall was unpractically large, the size of a football stadium, and topped with a hemispherical dome constructed of giant, curving sheets of manufactured, reinforced gemstones. Emerald and ruby and sapphire and tourmaline and opal and garnet were all used like stained glass to form scenes of Nidu mythology and history. Creek had no doubt that Narf-win-Getag would displace one of the stories portrayed on the dome to place his own up there, to shine in the light of Nidu's sun. In the center of the dome, a manufactured diamond the size of a baby elephant was faceted to collimate the light of the sun straight down to the center of the room, to a raised dais which usually held the throne of the Fehen, but which today held the altar upon which Robin Baker would spill her blood.

Robin and Creek were not alone in the Great Hall. They were not even the only humans; per a now-ancient service agreement, two representatives of LegaCen were on hand to monitor the performance of the computer network during the ceremony and to focus the computers' projectors, which would create certain images during the proceedings. Around them and Creek and Robin, Nidu apparatchiks buzzed, preparing the room for the ceremony and ignoring the humans in their presence as one would expect me Nidu to do in this, the most important room on the planet. To the side of me altar a Nidu priest paced, going over me ceremony in his head and attempting not to be scandalized that a human woman would be the sacrifice this time—and that he wasn't actually allowed to sacrifice her completely.

In a matter of minutes, the gargantuan doors at the end of the hall would swing open, allowing the guests and official observers of me ceremony into the hall. In their number would be high-ranking members of government from more man 200 worlds, and mid-ranking members of government from the rest as well as a low-end representative from the CC itself—a general reflection of me overall status of Nidu in the CC hierarchy of worlds.

As a matter of status, President Webster of Earth really should have been the one to attend the ceremony. Rather inconveniently, however, it conflicted with a long-planned state visit from the president of Vhrugy, one of the rather more important worlds in the CC. And so Webster was not disposed to attend. In these circumstances, Secretary of state Heffer was a reasonable substitute. There was small irony, therefore, in the fact that the suddenly worsening relations between Earth and Nidu had caused the president of Vhrugy to cancel her visit. Technically, the president was free to attend the coronation. As a practical matter, however, his world was looking down the launchers of two planet cracker bombs. And so once again it did not make the best of sense for him to be there.

Some short time after the guests were assembled, Narf-win-Getag would enter the Great Hall, ascend the dais, and perform a series of general rituals that announced his intent to take the throne of Nidu. These preliminary rituals were not strictly required for ascension to the throne, but they were traditional, and they gave the ceremony a nice rounded feel.

After the preliminaries came the required sections, which were created by the auf-Getags after the clan had initially ascended the throne. Many clans who had previously ascended the throne had lardered their coronation ceremonies with so many actions and details that all but the most attentive of candidates ran the very real risk of screwing up and disqualifying himself and his clan, thus throwing Nidu—yet again—into the throes of civil war.

Unlike these clans, the auf-Getags opted to keep their required rituals simple: A scan of the brain of the sacrificial sheep and the subsequent blood sacrifice, followed by two questions asked by the Nidu computer network: "Which clan brings the sacrifice?" and "What is the bidding of the clan of sacrifice?" The intended answers to these questions were, respectively, "The auf-Getag clan" and "Give me control of the network."

The auf-Getags were comfortable with such a short ceremony because of the computer network and because of the sheep. He who controlled the computer network controlled every aspect of the Nidu government. That was all that need to be said about that; once that kind of extreme power was assigned it was difficult to fight against. As for the sheep, the computer network could quickly determine the genetics of the blood sacrifice to assure the sacrifice was of breed; the brain scan determined that the animal was alive and gauged its mental capacity.

The last of these was key: In a small but important detail, the questions asked in the ceremony were technically asked of the sacrificial animal itself, but in the event that the sacrifice could not answer the questions (which was always), the questions could be answered by a member of the clan with legal ownership of the sacrificial animal.

This worked out nicely for the auf-Getags, as the sacrificial animal, being a sheep, could not speak (confirmed by the brain scan) and was killed in any event during the ceremony. The questions always defaulted to a member of the clan which owned the sheep. By Nidu law, the only clan that could legally own sheep was the auf-Getag clan. Even if a member of another clan procured a live Android's Dream sheep, the questions could not be answered by the sheep thief, as his clan did not, in fact, own the sheep.

This little detail of the coronation ceremony was the most tightly held secret of the auf-Getag clan, known only to its highest-ranking members. This number included Hubu-auf-Getag, who would be attending the ceremony today and who fully expected to perform the ceremony himself after Narf-win-Getag's attempt failed. At which point he fully expected to have Narf-win-Getag executed for treason right there on the ancient and priceless rugs of the Great Hall, in front of the assembled audience of visitors from hundreds of worlds. Then he'd deal with the Glar destroyer captains. And then, just for fun, he'd decimate the win-Getag clan, executing one clan member in ten at random. That would be the end of any other thoughts of uprising by any other clan for a good long time.

As tightly held as this secret was, it did not originate with the auf-Getag clan itself. Rather it was suggested to the auf-Getag clan, in a batch with a number of other unrelated performance and optimization suggestions, by an advisory panel at LegaCen, the general contractor building the new Nidu computer network. The auf-Getags, delighted by the sneakiness of the idea and encouraged by LegaCeris rock-solid nondisclosure pact, signed off on it Now decades later, they had no idea the secret came from outside their clan. The clan members had simply forgot.

"How do you feel?" Creek asked Robin.

"Like I'm going to throw up," Robin said.

"There's a receptacle," Creek said, pointing to the trough at the altar into which Robin's blood would flow.

"Don't tempt me," Robin said. "Also, this hurts like hell." Robin held up her wrist, into which a small medical shunt had been jammed. At the appropriate time in the ceremony the stopper on the shunt would be turned and about two ounces of Robin's blood would fall into the trough.

"I guarantee you it hurts less than the alternative," Creek said.

"This is all so unreal, Harry," Robin said. "I want to wake up in my crappy little bed in my crappy little apartment and have my crappy little breakfast and then go to work out and clean out crappy little rodent cages."

"Soon, Robin," Creek said. "Now, you remember everything you're supposed to do?"

"I do," Robin said, and held up her wrist again. "Some parts are harder to forget than others."

"You're going to do fine," Creek said. "Remember that I'm going to be right in the front of the audience."

"Where will Takk be?" Robin asked. She and Takk had become close during the trip to Nidu.

"He'll be with me," Creek said.

Robin giggled. "That's bad news for anyone who has to stand behind him."

The doors at the end of the hall cracked open. The audience was being let in.

"Here we go," Creek said, and turned to Robin. "Be strong, Robin. It's almost all over."

Robin came over to Creek. She gave him a peck on the cheek. "Thank you, Harry," she said. "For everything. And no matter what I said before, you really are a fun date."

"Thanks," Creek said.

"Next time, though," Robin said. "Let's just go to a movie." She walked back up to the altar. Creek headed down toward the crowd to find Ben Javna and Jim Heffer.

He found them near the back. Javna came over and grabbed his arm in greeting. Creek winced.

"Sorry, Harry," Javna said. "But God damn. It's good to see you alive, kid. Although from the looks of it, it's a close thing."

"Thanks, Ben," Creek said. "It's good to be alive, close or not." Creek looked to Heffer, who walked up next to Javna. "Secretary Heffer," he said.

"Mr. Creek," Jim Heffer said. "Good to finally meet you. Prime Minister Creek, I should say. We heard about your promotion."

"You owe me for that one," Javna said. "It's a nice job."

"Yeah, but look what I had to do to get it," Creek said.

"If this coronation goes off you're not likely to keep it long," Heffer said. "Narf-win-Getag's been playing everybody. We all got bushwhacked. Ben's legal victory is just about the only thing that went right for us. I'm laying decent odds that at the end of this ceremony, Ben and you and I get marched off to a POW camp."

"And yet you still showed up," Creek said.

"Hope springs eternal," Heffer said. "And we're not at war yet. We're diplomats, Harry. Maybe there's another way out."

"Maybe," Creek agreed. Someone tapped Heffer on the shoulder; Heffer turned to acknowledge them and then nodded his goodbyes to Creek and Javna.

"Well?" Javna said, after Heffer had gone. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Creek asked.

"You're here," Javna said. "She's here. I didn't tell you to come out of hiding yet, and you're not stupid enough or slow enough to get caught. So you're up to something. And I hear that you're here because you made some sort of deal with Narf-win-Getag."

"It's not what you think," Creek said.

"That's good," Javna said, "Because I have really no clue what I'm thinking right now. I just hope somewhere along the way you managed to pull all our feet out of the fire. And maybe managed to convince o! Narf to pick someone not entirely despotic to rule the Earth."

"I know one person it's not going to be," Creek said, and told Javna about Jean Schroeder.

"Choked to death by a Nidu on the plain of Pajmhi," Javna said, when Creek had finished. "There may be more ironically poetical ways for that shithead to go, but right off the top of my head I can't think of any."

Horns sounded, signaling the audience to take their places.

"Time for the pain," Javna said.

"Listen, Ben," Creek said, drawing close. "Something's going to happen in the ceremony, something that I haven't prepared you for. Something that goes back a long way between us. I don't have time to explain it now. You'll know it when you see it. When it happens, try not to hate me too much."

Javna looked at Creek. "Harry," Javna said. "Whatever it is, if it gets us all out of this with our skin intact, that's good enough. Don't worry. You're like a brother to me. You know that."

"Hold that thought, Ben," Creek said. "Remember you said it."

Takk came up to Creek. "It's time to take our places," lie said.

"Holy cow," Javna said, looking up at Takk.

"Hi," Takk said.

"When we're in POW camp, you're going to have some interesting tales for me, Harry," Javna said. "I can tell that already."

"What's he talking about?" Takk said.

"I'll tell you later," Creek said. "Come on, let's go." The two moved back up the crowd to their assigned position, Takk creating a bow wave with his size and Creek traveling in his wake.

Horns blared. The Great Hall doors opened once more. And Narf-win-Getag stepped through, wearing the cape and mantle of his clan.

Narf-win-Getag did not rush his entrance; he walked slowly and smoothly, directly in the middle of the aisle created by retaining ropes and an audience of four thousand guests and dignitaries. Narf-win-Getag recognized many, as well he should have through decades in the Nidu diplomatic core. His eyes sought and found Jim Heffer and Ben Javna; he nodded to them as he passed and smiled at the memory of having played them rough like cheap violins. With Schroeder out of the way, Narf-win-Getag was free to choose a Nidu administrator for Earth, and was considering auctioning off the position to the highest bidder. Someone would pay handsomely to run an entire planet, even a shithole like Earth.

At the head of the crowd Narf-win-Getag spied Hubu-auf-Getag on one side, with a phalanx of auf-Getags, and Harry Creek and Takk on the other. Neither Hubu-auf-Getag nor Harry Creek struck Narf-win-Getag as appropriately fearful in their expressions, although in the case of Creek it might simply be that Narf-win-Getag, even after all that time on Earth, still had trouble with some of the more subtle human expressions. It really didn't matter. Hubu-auf-Getag and his entire clan would be dealt with soon enough, and as for Creek, Takk, and Robin, he'd already made arrangements for that entire nation to be handled. They'd live; they'd just never leave Nidu. Narf-win-Getag didn't feel particularly bad about violating the agreement to call off the war on Robin; he'd honored the other three well enough. Especially the last one.

Narf-win-Getag ascended the dais and as was tradition, recited seventeen stanzas of The Revinu, the Nidu species' signature epic poem. It didn't matter which seventeen stanzas, merely that there were seventeen, each stanza representing the seventeen original clans of Nidu, of which win-Getag was one. Then followed the Blessing of the Knife, the Prayer to Clan Ancestors, the Salting of the Altar, a recitation of the Psalm of the Forgiven, and finally the Second Blessing of the Knife, symbolically transforming the weapon into an instrument of peace, a "swords into ploughshares" sentiment that like its human equivalent was generally forgotten before the last echo of the words had faded.

Now came the actual ceremony, and Narf-win-Getag found that he relished the idea of speaking the words to a ceremony formulated by the auf-Getag clan; in his mouth the words would be like a repudiation of their rule and redemption of the office of Fehen. Or so Narf-win-Getag was fantasizing to himself while Robin, the sheepwoman, had the apparatus for the brain scan placed awkwardly on her head by the priest. This accomplished, she then held out an arm to allow the priest to twist the shunt; her blood to flowed into the trough and past the sensors that sampled the DNA within to find the magic segments that would confirm her identity as an Android's Dream sheep—the right kind of sheep. Another repudiation of the auf-Getag clan, Narf-win-Getag thought, that he provided her where they could not.

From far recesses of the Great Hall projectors flared, announcing the acceptance of DNA with flaring and beautiful displays of light and color, intended to wrap the presumptive Fehen in a halo of righteous luminescence. The entire altar glowed like polished brass hit by a lighthouse beam, augmenting the light filtering in through the diamond on the roof.

It appeared to a few of the observers that more of the light focused on Robin than on Narf-win-Getag, but that was likely to be a combination of the simple white robe Robin wore as well as some confusion by the computer as to which of the tall creatures on the altar to highlight (the computer knew well enough not to highlight the priest). Certainly Narf-win-Getag didn't notice the fact his luminescence was being shared. From discreetly hidden vents the odor of the Fehensul, the flower of the Fehens, wafted into the room, its astringent sweetness the ultimate and most sacred word in the Nidu language of scent.

The light show settled down and the fight coalesced into a single ball that positioned itself between the altar and the audience. Positional audio kicked in and caused sound to come from the ball, sound that eventually resolved into a voice. "Which clan brings the sacrifice?" it asked, in majestically toned Nidu.

Narf-win-Getag stepped forward, and inhaled deeply to bellow the name of the win-Getag clan, to forever clear the air of the shame the auf-Getag clan brought to the office of the Fehen.

"The Baker clan!" declared a high, thin, nervous voice, in heavily accented but perfectly acceptable Nidu.

Narf-win-Getag choked on his declaration and stared at Robin Baker, who he was somewhat surprised to learn was still standing on the altar with him. Narf-win-Getag glared at her, decided that he'd changed his mind and definitely wouldn't let her live after all, and then took in another breath to declare his clan.

"What is the bidding of the clan of the sacrifice?" the deep, rich sonorous voice of the computer asked.

"Give me control of the network!" Robin Baker declared, again in Nidu. "And give Brian Javna complete access!"

"Whoops, that's me," Brian said, and got up from the table, leaving his beer behind. "Thanks for the drink, Andrea."

"Anytime," said Andrea Hayter-Ross, and waved. "Don't be a stranger."

Brian drifted over to an open port on the Nidu computer network, which demanded identification.

"I'm Brian Javna," Brian said, "I think you've heard of me." Some automatic part of Brian translated that into something the Nidu network could understand, validate, verify, and accept. And then, as requested, it gave Brian complete access.

Brian was hit with about 40 trillion watts of pure understanding.

It's hard to describe to anyone who is not in fact a sentient computer. But imagine you're a tapeworm, and then suddenly you're Goethe. It's like that. Brian experienced an upward expansion of knowledge, power, intuition, and capability unrivaled by any sentient being anywhere and anytime in the history of the Common Confederation. He didn't simply have access to the Nidu computer system, which was, by dint of its sheer Orwellian reach into the tiniest crannies of Nidu governmental life, the single most complex computer system yet devised. He became the Nidu computer system, searing through it at the speed of light and joyously feeling its power and information become his own. There was no word for what Brian was feeling, so he made one up.

Infogasm.

Oh, boy, Brian thought. That's the sort of thing that will kill you if you do it more than once. Brian savored the feeling for just a few cycles more, and then did what he came to do.

High above Nidu and Earth, six Glar destroyer captains and crews were shocked to find they were suddenly locked out of their controls, and that their ships had minds of their own.

Across Nidu space, every Nidu ship lost its defensive and offensive weapons. Individual Nidu soldiers lost control of their cars, their planes, their rifles and weapons. Vehicles in use rolled to a stop or landed at the first safe opportunity.

On every CC planet the Nidu had embassies, diplomatic workers banged their terminals in frustration as screens went blank and reports, applications, and communication ground to a halt. In Nidu space, all government work not related to keeping people alive also similarly ground to a halt. Nidu schools were excused for the day. Nidu children very nearly rioted with joy.

All of this happened in the time it takes for a sharp intake of breath.

"Jesus, this is fun," Brian said, and went to go make a very special appearance.

From her vantage point outside the Nidu system, Andrea Hayter-Ross watched as the network took on a shape and configuration that reflected Brian. There was no doubt it was him.

"I remember him when he was just an IBM," Hayter-Ross said, and sipped her tea.

The bloom of light between the altar and the audience stretched, twisted, and took form.

"Oh my God," Ben Javna said. "It's Brian."

Brian turned to Robin and spoke in English, loud enough for the entire audience to hear. "It's done," he said. "The Nidu computer network is yours and awaits your command. You are now Fehen of Nidu, Robin Baker."

The Great Hall erupted. For once, it was only barely large enough to hold the commotion.

"Thank you, Brian," Robin said, though the chaos. "And it's nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Brian said.

"Fehen?" Narf-win-Getag bellowed. "I am Fehen!"

"You're not," Brian said, turning toward Narf-win-Getag. "Because I am the Nidu computer network, and you, sir, are not the boss of me."

Narf-win-Getag disconnected from any pretense of civility and lunged at Robin Baker. From his distant position in the audience, Takk moved futilely to intercept. But it was Brian who blocked Narf-win-Getag; he activated the directional audio of the Great Hall to send a 180-decibel blast directly at Narf-win-Getag's head. Narf-win-Getag went down screaming in pain; Takk, reaching the altar, grabbed the fallen Nidu and hurled him bodily off the dais. The Great Hall erupted again.

"Brian," Creek said in a conversational tone, since he knew Brian could hear him. "Please amplify my voice so everyone can hear me."

"You're on," Creek heard Brian say, as if he were in his ear. "don't do any singing. They're panicked enough."

"Ladies and gentlemen," Creek said, and he could hear whispers of his words being pitched to the members of the audience in their own language through the directional audio. "Please, be calm. Please calm down. Explanations are coming."

Eventually the crowd noise died down, and Creek stepped out in front of the altar.

"My name is Harry Creek," he said. "The Nagch stepping on Narf-win-Getag is Takk. The woman on the stage is Robin Baker. We are the nation of Robin Baker, recognized by the Common Confederation. And she is now Fehen of Nidu, as allowed by the laws of Nidu itself." The crowd erupted yet again; Harry moved to silence them once more.

Hubu-auf-Getag stepped forward out of his phalanx of clansmen. "I am Hubu-auf-Getag, the true Fehen of Nidu," he said in English, to the crowd and to Creek. "This woman cannot be the Fehen of the Nidu. If for no other reason that she is not Nidu."

"By your laws and by the coronation procedure your own clan set forth, she does not need to be," Creek said. "Your coronation ceremony requires merely an Android's Dream sheep. Robin Baker has that DNA in her."

"If she has DNA, then by Nidu law she is the property of the clan of auf-Getag," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "And a member of that clan must be Fehen."

"In this case, Nidu law is superseded by Common Confederation law, which declared Robin Baker a new species of sentient being and her own nation under Common Confederation law," Creek said. "As a member of the Common Confederation Nidu is bound to respect her sovereignty and can make no claim on her. You know this, since it was your own government's suit that caused the CC to rule for her."

"A suit whose idea came from Narf-win-Getag," Hubu-auf-Getag said, staring down at the fallen ambassador, who was pinned by Takk's leg on his back.

"Who was at the time a representative of your government," Creek said. "And still is, I suppose."

"Not anymore," Robin said, and turned to Narf-win-Getag, who was pinned under Takk's foot. "You're dismissed."

"Dismissal noted," said Brian.

"This is an invasion!" Hubu-auf-Getag said, trying a new tack. "You have attacked us and taken control of our network by illegal means."

"It is not an invasion," Creek said. "We were transported here by a Nidu ambassador in a Nidu vessel and participated by invitation in the coronation ceremony."

Narf-win-Getag spoke up from the floor. "Under false pretense!" he rasped, as Takk's foot was limiting his lung capacity.

"The ambassador is mistaken," Creek said. "We agreed to come to Nidu to take part in the coronation ceremony. We didn't specify that in doing so the crown would fall to him."

"It is still an act of war," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"If it is, it is defensive," Creek said. "When a Nidu gunship attacked a civilian UNE vessel carrying Miss Baker and me, the Nidu marines who demanded to board specifically served notice to the captain of the ship that Nidu had declared war on Robin Baker. As was recently noted to me by your ambassador, Nidu outnumbers Miss Baker's nation by three billion to one. A declaration of war on a single person—even if she is her own nation—seems excessive. By the laws of the Common Confederation, Miss Baker, as a sovereign nation, has the right to defend herself against an aggressor."

This last bit caused rumbling in the audience. Hubu-auf-Getag glanced back and read the mood in the room. Then he turned back to Creek. "Let's you and I talk without the crowd listening in, if you please," he said. Creek nodded and had Brian cut his amplification. The crowd moaned in irritation, but stayed calm.

"Even if all you say is true," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "There is the matter of the three billion to one to consider. The Nidu will never follow a sheepwoman."

Creek smiled. "Hubu-auf-Getag, surely you of all people know that it's not necessary to have the love of the masses, merely the ability to control them," Creek said. "We have control of the Nidu computer network. Which means we have control of your government and your military. Until you recognize her as Fehen, you're not going to get anything done."

Hubu-auf-Getag leaned in closer to Creek. "Your clan is small.

If something were to happen to your so-called Fehen, there are only two of you remaining. A motivated clan—the win-Getags, say—could put an end to your rule in short order."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Brian said, and projected himself over to Hubu-auf-Getag. "I've forgotten my introductions. I'm Brian Javna, and since the Fehen let me into your network, I've become the network. I'm self-contained and sentient, and I'm also a member of Robin Baker's clan. So if you kill Robin and Harry and Takk, there's still me. And you can't kill me."

"Don't count on that," Hubu-auf-Getag said, in Nidu. "Wherever you go, there I am," Brian said to Hubu-auf-Getag, also in Nidu. "Remember that when your get into your next networked vehicle, Hubu-auf-Getag."

"No matter how you want to look at it, Robin Baker has a legitimate claim to the title of Fehen," Creek said, leading the discussion back from disembodied threats. "Your ascension rules allowed it. Your government's actions provoked it. Your ambassador's scheming set it in motion. It's all bad news for you, I'm afraid."

Hubu-auf-Getag glared at Creek. "Do you enjoy bringing bad news?"

"I don't enjoy it," Creek said. "But it is my job. I'm good at it."

"This is not right," Hubu-auf-Getag said. This got Robin's attention. "Right? Right?" she said, and stalked over to Hubu-auf-Getag. She jabbed a finger into his chest. "It's entirely right. Because of you, people have spent the last two weeks trying to kill me or kidnap me or sacrifice me so they can rule this crappy little planet of yours. You've tried to loll my friends. You're planning to attack and occupy my planet. This is the only way to get you to stop. Do you think I want to rule your planet? Do you think I have even the smallest concern about what you people do here? I could not care less. All I want is to go home and get back to my life. This the only way I know that I'll get to do it."

Hubu-auf-Getag paused to consider her words. "Perhaps we can reach some accommodation," he said.

"Sure," Robin said. "We can start by you recognizing that I am your Fehen. Your clan made the rules. I followed them. I am ruler here. don't bother trying to use any of your household appliances until you're ready to accept that."

Hubu-auf-Getag snarled and stalked away toward his phalanx.

"I don't think their household appliances are networked," Creek said to Robin.

"Who cares? It still seemed to work," Robin said.

Ben Javna had by this time made his way to the head of crowd. Creek waved at him to come through.

"I've got a message from Heffer, but first you have to tell me something," Ben said. "Brian—"

"It's really him, Ben," Creek said. "Part of him anyway. I'll explain it you later."

"You're right about that," Javna said.

"What does Heffer have to say?" Creek asked.

"He wants to know if you're really pulling this off, or if this is just some sort of enormous con," Javna said.

"Oh, it's the real thing, all right," Creek said.

"I figured it was," Javna said. "In which case Heffer wants to make an offer of alliance with your friend Robin. Not with Nidu, but with her—although we'll recognize her as the legitimate ruler of Nidu. And it comes with the offer to sponsor her for membership in the CC."

"A single-person nation in the CC," Creek said. "And I thought this had gotten weird enough already."

"You guys started it," Javna said.

"Let me pass the offer along," Creek said.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Javna said. He looked over to the image of Brian, who was talking to Takk. "When this is over, do you think I can talk to him?"

"I think you should," Creek said. "I know he wants to talk to you."

"Good God, Harry," Javna said. "All that time I thought you were just piddling away your talent. You are a piece of work, my friend."

"I aim to please," Creek said, and went to chat with Robin.

"The UNE wants to sponsor your membership in the Common Confederation," Creek said.

"Mine?" Robin said. "As in me, personally?" Creek nodded. "Jeez, Harry, I can barely handle a gym membership."

"I'm pretty sure this dub comes with better perks," Creek said.

"Harry, I wasn't lying," Robin said. "I don't want any of this. I really don't. I just want you and me and everyone I know to be safe. And I want to go home. That's all I want. Get me out of this, Harry."

Creek looked up. "Here comes Hubu-auf-Getag," he said. "Let see what he has to say."

"Hypothetically," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "If we were to accept Robin Baker as Fehen. What then?"

Creek glanced over at Robin, who nodded. "Well, then, Miss Baker would need a governor," Creek said. "As you know, she already rules her own country. She believes it would be unfair to her citizens to divide her time."

"I agree entirely," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "This governor you speak of. What would his powers be?"

"They would be like a copy of the powers of the Fehen's herself," Creek said.

"That's very intriguing," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"There are some limitations," Robin said.

"Limitations?" Hubu-auf-Getag asked.

"Small ones," Creek assured him.

"Name them," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"don't screw with Earth," Robin said.

"I don't know that idiom," Hubu-auf-Getag said, to Creek.

"She means to say that the Earth is now and forevermore off limits for mischief and empire building," Creek said.

"I could see a governor agreeing to that," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"And don't screw with me or my friends," Robin said.

"Likewise, retribution against the nationals of Miss Baker by Nidu or any of its agents would be looked upon as a grave injustice," Creek said.

"As well it should be," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "In fact, I do believe a governor would suggest a treaty between our two nations would be in our mutual interests."

"How wonderful," Creek said. "It's always heartening to discover amity between races."

"Anything else?" Hubu-auf-Getag asked.

"One other thing," Robin said, and pointed at Narf-win-Getag, still pinned under Takk's foot. "This one goes to jail."

"We can do better than that, I think," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "Indeed, clan-wide retribution is usually the policy in cases like these."

"No," Robin said. "No one gets killed, and no one else gets punished. Just him, in jail."

"Surely you realize he could not have planned all this on his own," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"I think Miss Baker is hoping that by showing judiciousness, she might help keep other clans from attempting the misfortunate sequence of events that lead to this very moment," Creek said.

"I see your point," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "And anything else?"

Robin shook her head. "I think that's it," Creek said.

"Out of curiosity," Hubu-auf-Getag said, "in this new world order, would there be a chance for a governor to advance at any point?"

Creek glanced over to Robin, who shrugged. "I would imagine it would depend on the quality of governorship, and the state of relations with the UNE and the nation of Robin Baker," Creek said. "If those relationships are kept on extremely amicable terms, I could easily see a governor being rewarded in ten to twelve years."

"Those are Earth years, as opposed to Nidu years," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Optimally," Creek said.

"And until that time, the Fehen will have, shall we say, a light hand on the wheel of state," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Feather-light," Creek said. "One would hardly know it's there."

"And what about the new, obnoxious personality of the Nidu computer network?" Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Oh, well, that stays," Creek said. "Call it insurance."

"But don't worry," Brian said, popping by. "He's trainable."

Creek saw that Hubu-auf-Getag was a realist; now that it was clear that the right moves would put him in the same position he had expected to be in before, with a few minor limitations, he was ready to get on board. "There is still one practical difficulty," he said. "The Nidu are… set in our ways about many of our opinions about other species."

"You're racists," Creek said.

Hubu-auf-Getag flared for a second, then calmed down. "Agreed," Hubu-auf-Getag. "That being the case, it would help to have a compelling explanation as to why and how this human has become the Fehen."

A voice rang clearly through the Great Hall. "Because she is the Evolved Lamb!"

Everyone assembled at the dais turned to look at the speaker. It was one of the computer technicians. The second technician stood beside him.

"She is what?" Hubu-auf-Getag said, to the technician. Normally, of course, he would have had a technician beaten for daring to speak at a ceremony like this. It simply wasn't done. But there were a number of things about today's ceremony that simply weren't done.

"She is the Evolved Lamb," the technician said again. "I am Francis Hamn, bishop of the Church of the Evolved Lamb. My associate is Sam Berlant, who is also with the Church. For decades our Church has concerned itself with bringing forth the Evolved Lamb, an entity who combines the best qualities of humanity and the pastoral qualities of the lamb. To aid us in our quest, and to avoid misidentifying the Evolved Lamb, we created a crucible test—a test that only one with the qualities of the Evolved Lamb would be able to accomplish. That test, Hubu-auf-Getag, was your clan's coronation ceremony. There are only two classes of people who can perform it—members of your clan, and the Lamb herself. And here she is."

"I don't understand," Hubu-auf-Getag said. "You're computer technicians."

"Yes," Hamn agreed. "Computer technicians who belong to a church. A church that through its business ventures provided your clan with sheep and the computer network which now controls your world and through which your clan's power has run. We provided your clan the means to power. The cost was that it was also the test for a goal of our own: The creation of an entity prophesied by our founders. Look at her, Hubu-auf-Getag—she is the living embodiment of an entire religion's purpose."

Everybody turned to look at Robin Baker.

"Oh, for God's sake," Robin Baker snapped. "How divine can I be? My feet hurt. I have gas. I need to pee."

Hubu-auf-Getag turned back to Francis Hamn. "Be that as it may, your 'test' has caused my clan to fall from power."

Creek spoke up. "On the contrary, Hubu-auf-Getag," he said. "Another clan challenged your power and came to within a hair's breadth of taking the throne. Only the very fact of who and what Miss Baker is, and her actions during the ceremony, prevented it from happening."

"If she wasn't the Evolved Lamb, Narf-win-Getag would now be Fehen," Hamn said. "And your clan would have suffered. Gravely."

"But now she is Fehen," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Who is willing to hand nearly the all of her powers to you, Hubu-auf-Getag," Creek said. "If I were you, I'd sell the 'divine intervention" angle to your clan and kin. I'd sell it hard."

"I need to confer with my clan," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"But of course," Creek said. Hubu-auf-Getag walked off.

"I notice you didn't mention to Hubu-auf-Getag that your church has manipulated events as much as anyone has in this little adventure," Creek said to Hamn.

"Details, details," Hamn said, and looked up at Robin. "Speaking of which, there's a small detail about the Church Miss Baker needs to know."

"What is it?" Robin asked.

"The Church of the Evolved Lamb exists to bring about the Evolved Lamb," Hamn said. "The Church's steering council, which Sam and I represent here, is in unanimous agreement It's you."

"What if I don't want the position?" Robin asked.

"It's not an office," Sam Berlant said. "It's a state of being. Even if you don't want to be it, you're still it. Your arrival is incredibly significant to us—and to all religions. It's the first time in recorded history that a prophesied religious entity has been intentionally brought into being. You're the religious find of the millennia, Miss Baker."

"Swell," Robin said.

"There are compensations," Hamn said, gently. "The Church has significant material, real estate, and business holdings. These are all administered by a governing council and various boards of directors, but technically, it's all held in trust for the Evolved Lamb, should he or she ever arise."

Robin stared for a second, and then held up her hand as if to pause the conversation. "So you're saying I own the Church."

"Well, no," Hamn said, "just all of its assets."

"So that's a lot," Robin said.

"It's not bad," Hamn allowed.

"So, we're talking, what? A million? Two million?"

Hamn looked over to Sam Berlant. "As of the market close last Friday, 174.9 billion dollars," Sam said.

"175 billion dollars," Robin said. "Billion, as in, the one with the nine zeros after it."

"That's the one," Hamn said.

"Technically, it makes you the richest single person on Earth," Sam Berlant said. "The Walton family is worth more in aggregate, but there are a couple hundred of them."

"I feel like I just swallowed a golf ball," Robin said, and moved to sit.

Creek moved over to steady her. "Easy, Robin," he said. "You already run a planet. This is just a little extra bonus."

"Harry," Robin said. "Do you have any clue how far outside reality you have to be to describe 175 billion dollars as a bonus?"

"Just promise you'll remember me at Christmastime," Creek said. He sat down next to Robin, who smiled and patted his shoulder.

Hubu-auf-Getag returned a few minutes later. "The auf-Getag clan is prepared to offer its allegiance to the new Fehen," he said. "Our influence is such that we believe that the other clans—even the win-Getag clan—will follow suit."

Robin stood. "So you will do as I say," she said.

"Yes," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Really," Robin said.

"You may test our loyalty in any way you choose," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"Brian," Robin said.

"Yes, Fehen," Brian said.

"Would you inform Secretary Heffer his presence is requested by the Fehen."

"At once," Brian said. Jim Heffer arrived two minutes later.

"You asked for me, Fehen" Secretary Heffer said.

"I did," Robin said. "My good friend Hubu-auf-Getag and I were recently discussing the unfortunate series of misunderstands between Nidu and the UNE. He and I agreed that in light of the possible damage between these great nations, Nidu could benefit from making a goodwill gesture to the peoples of Earth and her colonies. Isn't that right, Hubu-auf-Getag?"

"That is entirely correct, Fehen," Hubu-auf-Getag said.

"I'm glad to hear it," Heffer said. "What does the Fehen have in mind?"

"Oh, not me," Robin said. "What I'm about to say comes entirely from Hubu-auf-Getag. Secretary Heffer, aren't there two Nidu destroyers in orbit around Earth at the moment?"

"I believe there are," Heffer said.

"I hear they're very nice," Robin said. "Top of the line and all of that."

"They are excellent ships," Heffer said.

"Well, then," Robin said. "Hubu-auf-Getag wants the UNE to have them. Don't you, Hubu-auf-Getag?"

Creek spent the next several seconds wondering if a Nidu's head could, in fact, actually explode from rage.

"There is nothing that would give me greater pleasure," Hubu-auf-Getag finally said, in a tone that suggested his entrails had cramped.

"That is wonderful news," Heffer said. "Our secretary of defense will be immensely pleased. May I pass along your compliments, Hubu-auf-Getag?"

"Please do," Hubu-auf-Getag said, tightly.

"And Secretary Heffer," Robin said. "You may also inform your government that Hubu-auf-Getag is to be governor of Nidu and her colonies. He has my authority to act in my place in every matter."

"Very good, Fehen," Heffer said. "My congratulations, Governor. Will there be an installation ceremony?"

Hubu-auf-Getag looked to Robin Baker. "It is up to the Fehen"

"Well, I think we should," Robin said. "Let's say, in one hour? After all, everyone is already here."

Robin stepped down from the dais and walked over to Narf-win-Getag, still prone on the ground. "And as for you, you shit-head," she said. "I'm going to make sure you get the best seat in the house, to watch everything you ever wanted given to someone else. Tell me what you think about that."

The gubernatorial ceremony was very much like the coronation ceremony, with the exception that instead of a blood sacrifice and a brain scan, Robin Baker symbolized the transfer of power to Hubu-auf-Getag by providing him a single Fehensul flower from a bouquet she held in her hands. Brian used the impressive Nidu computer voice to announce that Hubu-auf-Getag had been given penultimate control of the Nidu computer network, and then everyone in the crowd applauded in the manner appropriate for their own species and filed out to go to any number of ceremonies and parties around Nidu before going home.

In time only a few people remained in the Great Hall, paired off in conversation: Creek and Jim Heffer, Robin and Takk, Brian and Ben Javna, and Francis Hamn and Sam Berlant, who were finishing a final diagnostic on the Nidu network.

Creek watched from a distance as Brian and Ben sat in the distance (well, Ben sat; Brian projected himself sitting) and reacquainted themselves with each other. Creek could see Bert's eyes were red-rimmed, but at the moment he was laughing at something his brother was telling him.

"That's a hell of a thing," Heffer said. "To lose a brother and to get him back."

"It is," Creek said. "I wondered how Ben would take it, and if he'd hate me for doing it. But I needed Brian's help. Without him, none of this would have worked."

"Don't sell yourself short, Creek," Heffer said. "Without you, we'd be at war, and we would have lost. And your friend Robin would probably be dead by now. You saved her, and saved us. You didn't save the universe, but you can plan on doing that next week."

Creek smiled. "I'm taking next week off," he said. "And possibly the week after that. With your permission."

"Take all the time you want, Creek," Heffer said. "Just tell me you'll be back. I don't know that we need any more like you; I don't think my heart could handle the strain. But I'm glad we have at least one of you around." He looked at his watch and stood. "I've got to collect Ben. We have a shuttle to catch. How are you getting back?"

"Hamn and Berlant have offered to take us home with their corporate transport," Creek said. "Although if I understand everything correctly, it's actually that Robin is letting them hitch a ride on her transport."

"Don't rush home," Heffer said, and held out his hand. "Make a few stops. Enjoy yourselves."

"We've already had one cruise this week," Creek said, shaking Heffer's hand. "One's enough." The two men made their goodbyes, and then Creek walked over to Robin and Takk.

"Takk's telling me about his home," Robin said. "It sounds nice. He's been away for two years."

"That's a long time," Creek said.

"It is," Takk said. "But I'll be going home now. I've seen enough of other places to last me a while."

"Amen to that," Robin said.

Hamn and Sam Berlant walked up. "Excuse me, Miss Baker," Hamn said. "We're just about finished up here. We'll be ready to leave shortly. On the return trip home, I know that Sam here would like to talk to you a little bit about your financials and your new responsibilities with the Church holdings."

"You're not expecting me to run things, are you?" Robin said. "I barely keep a pet store going. If you have me run the Church, you're all going to be in soup line by the end of the week."

"We were actually hoping you'd let the corporate governance continue as it has," Sam said.

"That sounds good to me," Robin said.

"But there's still quite a lot we need to get through," Sam said.

"I don't suppose it could wait a few weeks," Robin said.

"It's really better—" Sam began, but Robin put up her hand.

"The reason I ask is because at this moment I just want to be Robin Baker. Not the Fehen of Nidu, not the Evolved Lamb, and not the richest person on Earth. Not even my own nation. Just Robin Baker, who owns a pet store where by now the animals have completely forgotten who I am. Just Robin Baker, who all she wants is to go home now. That's all I want to be, if that's all right with you. Just for a little while. I hope you understand."

Sam looked ready to offer a rebuttal, but Hamn put his hand on Sam's shoulder. "We understand entirely, Robin. That'll be fine with us. We're going to get ready to get out of here. We'll come get you when we're ready to go."

"Thankyou," Robin said. Hamn and Sam Berlant turned to go.

"Excuse me," Takk said. "You said earlier that you were Sam Berlant."

"lam," Sam said.

"I have a message for you," Takk said. He took out Archie's book of prophecies. Sam took it, stared at it for a moment, and then looked at Takk.

"You knew Archie," Sam said.

"He was my friend," Takk said.

Sam motioned to Takk to follow them. He did, leaving Creek and Robin to themselves on the altar of the Great Hall.

"So you really don't want to be any of these things you've become," Creek said to Robin, as they watched Takk walk off with the technicians. "Not everyone gets to be their own nation or a religious icon or the richest woman ever."

"Or a sheep," Robin said. "You can't forget that" She reached over to gather up her bouquet of Fehensul.

"Or a sheep," Creek agreed. "But with the exception of the sheep, most people would jump at a chance to be the things you are."

"Would you?" Robin asked.

"No," Creek said. "I like being me most of the time. But I suspect I'm not like most people."

"This much I knew," Robin said. She handed Creek a flower. "Take this, Harry. Payment for keeping me alive."

"One hundred seventy-five billion dollars and I get a flower," Creek said, taking it

"It's the thought that counts," Robin said.

"Thanks," Creek said, and held it to his nose. "It smells nice."

"It does," Robin agreed. "It's talking to you in the language of flowers."

"What is it saying?" Creek asked.

" 'There's no place like home,'" Robin said.

"That's a nice message," Creek said.

"It's the best," Robin said.

Creek held his flower up for Robin. She smiled, leaned over, and inhaled deeply.