The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help

When I was six years old my sister Alyson

Asked for a stove for her birthday

A miniature one you could actually cook with

And my mom was nice and she bought one

Alyson needed a reason to bake something

Barged in my room and she grabbed me

She said:

“I made a cake and we’re going next door

To Sam Weinstein’s and you’re getting married”

The cake was burned

It tasted gross

She made me kiss him

On the mouth

Now I am thirty-three

Unmarried happily

No plans in life and I’m planning to keep it that way

I do kissing with only one mission:

Do you like to kiss? Then you have my permission

And I have already spent too much time

Doing things I didn’t want to

So if I just want to make out all the time

You can bet your black ass that I’m going to.

When I was nine I was kind of a loser

The kids in my class didn’t like me

Melanie Chow was the meanest of all

And my mom made me go to her party

Nobody talked to me, I sat there quietly

Drawing with crayons on a napkin

A picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork

Her legs getting eaten by lions

The cake was good

I took some home

I had a party

In my room

Now I have friends and I’m not such a loser

But I go to bars all the time and I sit there

And order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people

Yes that’s how I like it

And I’ve already spent too much time

Doing things I didn’t want to

So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine

You can bet your black ass that I’m going to

Yes I come here often

Sure I’ll have another one

Yes I come here often

Sure I’ll have another one.

(But I don’t have to talk to you)

When I was seventeen I was a blowjob queen

Picking up tips from the masters

I was so busy perfecting my art I was clueless to what they were after

Now I’m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)

I don’t make love now to make people love me

But I don’t mind sharing my gift with the planet

We’re all gonna die and a blowjob’s fantastic

And when I was twenty-five I was a rock star

But it didn’t pay too well, I had to strip on the side

Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by

Baby, they’d never know

What a bargain they’d gotten

And if I’m forgotten

I’m perfectly happy with all that has happened

And I still get laughed at but it doesn’t bother me

I’m just so glad to hear laughter around me

And I’ve already spent too much time

Doing things I didn’t want to

So if I want to drink alone dressed like a pirate

Or look like a dyke

Or wear high heels and lipstick

Or hide in a convent

Or try to be mayor

Or marry a writer

Smoke crack and slash tires

Make jokes you don’t like

Or paint ducks and retire

You can bet your black ass that I’m going to.