The Beach

∨ The Beach ∧

42

Blame

The music started up at eight, which was lucky, or I might have slept until midnight. Up and down the beach, four or five different sound systems blasted out, each with its own agenda. I could only hear two clearly, the ones on either side of me, but all the bass lines seemed to be vibrating through my head. Swearing and rubbing the daze out of my eyes, I jumped up and ran back down the beach to the café.

The café was now packed with people but I spotted Jed immediately. He was by the same table we’d sat at earlier. He had a bottle of beer in his hands and was looking extremely pissed off.

‘Where the fuck have you been?’ he said angrily, when I sat beside him. ‘I’ve been waiting.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I replied. ‘I fell asleep…I’ve had a bad day.’

‘You did, huh? Well I’ll just bet it wasn’t a patch on mine.’

‘Why, what happened? Didn’t you get the rice?’

‘I got the rice, Richard. Don’t worry about that.’

I looked at him hard. There was a worrying note of menace in his voice. ‘What then?’

‘You tell me.’

‘Tell you…?’

‘About two Yanks.’

‘Two Yanks?’

Jed took a huge gulp of beer. ‘Two Yanks I heard talking about a place called Eden in the marine park.’

‘…Oh shit.’

‘They know you, Richard. They used your name. And they’ve got a map.’ He squeezed his eyes shut like he was fighting to keep control of his temper. ‘A fucking map, Richard! They were showing it to some Germans! And who knows who else has seen it?’

I shook my head. I was feeling dazed. ‘…I’d forgotten…I’d…’

‘Who are they?’

‘Jed, wait. You don’t understand. I didn’t tell them about the beach. They told me. They already knew about it.’

He put his bottle on the table with a thump. ‘Who are they?’

‘…Zeph and Sammy. I met them on Ko Samui.’

‘Go on.’

‘They were just these two guys in the hut next to mine. We spent some time together, and the night before we were going to leave for Phelong they started talking about the beach.’

‘Unprompted?’

‘Yes! Of course!’

‘So you drew them a map.’

‘No! I didn’t say a thing, Jed! None of us did.’

‘Then where did the map come from?’

‘The next morning…I drew it and pushed it under their door…’ I pulled out a cigarette and tried to light it. My hands shook badly and it took me three attempts.

‘Why?’

‘I was worried!’

‘You just drew them the map? They didn’t even ask for it!’

‘I didn’t know if the beach really existed. We could have been aiming at nowhere. I had to tell someone where we were going in case something went wrong.’

‘What could go wrong?’

‘I don’t know! We didn’t know anything! I just didn’t want us disappearing with nobody knowing where we’d gone!’

Jed put his head in his hands. ‘This could be bad, Richard.’

‘We could have disappeared into the marine park and no one would have…’

He nodded slowly. ‘I understand that.’

We sat in silence for several minutes, Jed staring at the table and me looking anywhere but at him. Over by the Space Invaders machine a tubby black girl with corn-rows was trying to hit the last invader. It was moving so fast it was a blur. She missed it on every pass, and just before it reached the bottom line she turned away, disgusted. The sound of talking and music was too loud for me to hear her exploding spaceship, but I saw it on her face.

Eventually, Jed lifted up his head. ‘These two Yanks. Do you think they’ll make the trip?’

‘…They might do, Jed. I don’t know them well enough.’

‘Fuck. This could be so bad.’ Then suddenly he reached over and laid his hand on my forearm. ‘Listen,’ he said. ‘Are you blaming yourself?’

I nodded.

‘Don’t. I’m serious. Whatever happens with these Yanks, it isn’t your fault. If I’d been in your shoes I might have done the same thing.’

‘How do you mean, ‘whatever happens’?’ I said warily.

‘I mean…I mean whatever happens I don’t want you to blame yourself. It’s important, Richard. If you really want someone to blame, blame Daffy.’ He sighed deeply. ‘Or me.’

‘You?’

‘Me.’

I opened my mouth to ask him to explain, but he held up a hand. ‘There’s no point talking about it.’

‘OK,’ I said quietly.

‘Look, we might not even have a problem. In a few weeks the Yanks will probably be flying off home and the map should go with them. Even if they stay in Thailand there’s a good chance they won’t bother trying to reach us. They seemed like a couple of air-heads, and the trip isn’t easy.’

‘I hope you’re right,’ I said hollowly, remembering how skilled they were at their surfer act.

‘Hoping’s about all we can do. That and wait…’ He finished his beer. ‘We’ve got to get the rice back to the boat tonight because I don’t want to be carrying those sacks in broad daylight. Are you ready to go?’

‘Yes.’

He stood up. ‘Good. Then let’s get to it.’

♦

Around the back of the café was a thin passage between two beach huts, and under a tarpaulin were our rice sacks. We put them on the tarpaulin so we could drag them along the sand, and holding a corner each, set off on the long trek back to the boat.

Just after leaving Hat Rin, we had a fag break and ate a few of the boiled sweets from my bag of presents.

‘I’m sorry if I flew off at you,’ Jed said as I passed him the packet.

‘It’s all right.’

‘No. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve it.’

I shrugged. I felt like I did.

‘I didn’t ask you why your day was so bad.’

‘Oh. It’s nothing…It was just Hat Rin. The place, or the people…They gave me the creeps.’

‘Me too. Fucked up, isn’t it?’

‘Fucked up…Yeah. It is.’

‘Richard?’

‘Yes?’

‘When we get back to the camp, don’t mention this thing with the Yanks.’

‘But…’

‘Sal and Bugs. I don’t think they’ll understand.’

I looked at him but he was busy trying to get the wrapper off one of the sweets.

‘…If you think that’s the right thing to do.’

‘Yeah. I do.’

♦

It took us another three hours to get back to the marker. The forked stick showed up clearly in the bright moonlight, and we left the sacks beside it. Then I went to check on the boat while Jed moved the sacks off the tarpaulin and spread it across the sand. It was pitch black under the bushes but I could feel the curved prow. That was enough for me. As long as we had our means of escape, I could relax. Jed was already asleep by the time I got back to the marker. I lay beside him and looked at the stars, remembering the way I’d looked at the stars with Françoise. Somewhere amongst them was a parallel world where I’d kept the map to myself, I thought, and wished it could have been this one.