The Best American Mystery Stories 2010

John Dufresne The Cross-Eyed Bear from Boston Noir

Father Tom Mulcahy can’t seem to get warm. He’s wearing his bulky cardigan sweater over his flannel pajamas over his V-neck T-shirt. He’s got fleece-lined cordovan slippers on over his woolen socks and an afghan folded over his lap. The radiator is clanging and hissing in the corner, and he’s still shivering. He tugs his watch cap over his ears, wipes his runny nose with a tissue. He stares at the bed against the wall and longs for the sleep of the dead. The window rattles. The weather people expect eighteen to twenty inches from the storm. He sips his Irish whiskey, swallows the other half of the Ativan, opens Meister Eckhart, and reads how all of our suffering comes from love and affection. He slips the venomous letter into the book to mark his page. The red numerals on the alarm clock seem to float in their black box. He sees his galoshes tucked under the radiator, the shaft of the right one bent to the floor. He’s so tired he wonders if the droopy galosh might be a sign from God. Then he smiles and takes another sip of whiskey.

He lifts a corner of the curtain, peeks out on the driveway below, and sees fresh footprints leading to the elementary school. Probably Mr. O’Toole, the parish custodian, up early to clear the walk, an exercise in futility, it seems to Father Tom. The snow swirls, and the huge flakes look like black moths in the spotlight over the rectory porch. How new the world seems like this, all the clutter and debris mantled in white. He looks at the school and remembers the childhood exhilaration of snow days. Up early, radio on, listening to ‘BZ, wailing for Carl De Suze to read the cancelation notices: “No school in Arlington, Belmont, and Beverly. No school, all schools, Boston...” In the years before his brother died, Tom would wake Gerard with the wicked good news, and the pair of them would pester their mom for cocoa and then snuggle under blankets on the couch and watch TV while she trudged off to work at Filene’s. They’d eat lunch watching Big Brother Bob Emery, and they’d toast President Eisenhower with their glasses of milk while Big Brother’s phonograph played “Hail to the Chief.” Maybe if Gerard had lived, if they’d taken him to the hospital before it was too late, maybe then their dad would not have lost heart and found the highway.

Father Tom woke up this morning — well, yesterday morning now — woke up at 5:45 to get ready to celebrate the 6:30 Mass. He opened his eyes and saw the intruder sitting in the rocking chair. Father Tom said, “Who are you?”

“I’m with the Globe.”

“Mrs. Walsh let you in?”

“Het myself in.”

“What’s going on?”

The man from the Globe tapped his cigarette ash into the cuff of his slacks.

“No smoking in the room, Mr....?”

“Hanratty.”

“I’m allergic.”

“Does the name Lionel Ferry mean anything to you?”

Father Tom found himself accused of sexual abuse by a man who claimed to have been molested and raped while he was an altar boy here at St. Cormac’s. Thirty-some years ago. A reticent boy whom Father Tom barely thinks about anymore, not really, now a troubled adult looking for publicity and an easy payday from the archdiocese, needing an excuse to explain his own shabby and contemptible life, no doubt. Out for a little revenge against the Church for some fancied transgression. Father Tom had no comment for this Mr. Hanratty. And he has no plans to read the morning papers. But he does know they’ll come for him, the press, the police, the cardinal’s emissaries. His life as he knew it is over. Already the monsignor has asked him not to say Mass this morning — no use giving the disaffected an easy target.

He never did a harmful thing to any child, but he will not be believed. He prays to Jesus, our crucified Lord, to St. Jude, and to the Blessed Virgin. Father Tom trusts that God would not give him a burden he could not bear. He puts out the reading lamp. He stuffs earplugs in his ears, shuts his eyes, and covers them with a sleep mask. He feels crushed with fatigue, but his humming brain won’t shut down. He keeps hearing that Paul Simon song about a dying constellation in a corner of the sky. The boy in the bubble and all that. “These are the days of.. ” And then unfamiliar faces shape themselves out of the caliginous murk in front of his closed eyes and morph into other faces, and soon he is drifting in space and shimmering like numerals on a digital clock, and then he’s asleep. In his dream he’s a boy again, and he’s sitting with Jesus on a desolate hill overlooking Jerusalem. It’s very late, and the air, every square inch of it, is purple. Jesus weeps. Tom knows what Jesus knows, that soon Jesus will be betrayed. Jesus wipes His eyes with the sleeve of His robe and says, “You always cheer me up, Thomas,” and He tickles Tom in the ribs. Tom laughs, tucks his elbows against his sides, and rolls away. “Do you like that, Thomas? Do you?” Tom likes it, but he tells Jesus to stop so he can breathe. “Stop, please, or I’ll wet my pants!” But Jesus won’t stop.

Father Tom wakes up when the book drops to the floor. He takes off the sleep mask, picks up the letter, unfolds it, and reads in the window light. I’ll slice off your junk and stuff it down your throat, you worthless piece of shit. I’ll drench you with gasoline and strike the match that sends you to hell.

While he’s waiting for the monsignor to finish up in the bathroom, Father Tom considers the painting he’s been staring at all his life. It hung in the front hall of the family’s first-floor apartment on L Street when he was a boy, and he was sure it must have been called Sadness or Gloom. His parents had no idea what it was called. The painting was a gift from an Irish cousin on his mother’s side was all they knew. One of the O’Sullivans from Kerry. Now it hangs on the wall above Father Tom’s prie-dieu. As a boy he saw this ragged, barefoot woman sitting on a rock in the middle of an ocean with her eyes blindfolded and her head bandaged and chained to a wooden frame that he assumed to be an instrument of torture, but turned out to be a lyre, of all things, and the rock was really the world itself, and the title was actually and inexplicably Hope. He’s been trying to understand the aspiration, the anticipation in this somber and forlorn study in hazy blues and pale greens all his life. Hope is blind? Does that even make sense? The lyre has only one string. So the music is broken. The dark sky is starless. All he’s ever felt looking at the picture is melancholy and desolation. Hopelessness. Is that it? If you are without desire, you are free?

He hears the bathroom door open and Monsignor McDermott descend the creaky staircase. The bathroom reeks of Listerine and bay rum after-shave. He folds the monsignor’s pearl-handled straight razor and puts it by the shaving brush and mug. He starts the shower and lets the room steam and warm while he shaves. He stares in the mirror and wonders what people see when they look at him. He cuts himself in the little crease beside his lip and applies a tear of toilet paper to the bubble of blood. He looks at his face and sees his father’s blue eyes and his mother’s weak chin. He removes the toilet paper and dabs the cut with a styptic pencil. Gerard was the handsome one.

Mrs. Walsh, bless her heart, has already brewed the coffee and filled his cup. “Will it be eggs and toast, Father?”

“Just coffee this morning, Mary.” He stirs his coffee, lays the spoon in the saucer. “The monsignor left for Mass already, I see.” For just a second there, Father Tom forgot that today is not like other days. “I never did what that man said, you know.”

“That’s between you and the Lord, Father. It’s no business of mine.” She walks to the sink and peers out the window. “Sixteen inches already, and no sign of a letup. There’ll be snow on the ground till Easter.”

“I can’t even remember the boy very clearly.”

“He was one of your favorites, Father. Altar boy, he was. Tim Griffin’s nephew. You called him ‘Train.’ He had the vocation, you used to say.”

“But didn’t become a priest.”

“Became a drunk and a burden to his dear mother, may her soul rest in peace.” Mrs. Walsh sets the dishcloth to dry on the radiator and straightens the braided rug by the stove, a rug she made herself thirty-some years ago from her husband’s and children’s discarded clothing. There’s Himself’s blue oxford shirt right there and little Mona’s corduroy jumper. When she sees the shirt, she sees her dear Aidan in it and his gray suit and red tie on their honeymoon on Nantasket Beach. “There have been other accusations, Father. Other men have come forward.”

“I did nothing except be kind to those boys, give them the love and attention they didn’t get at home. I never—”

The doorbell chimes. Mrs. Walsh says, “That’ll be Mr. Markey from the cardinal’s office. He’ll be wanting a word with you.” She walks to the front door and adds over her shoulder, “He’s a merciful Lord, Father.”

Mr. Markey unsnaps his earflaps and takes off his storm hat. He holds it by the visor and slaps it against his leg, then hangs it on a peg and toes off his shearling boots. He hands his gloves and scarf to Mrs. Walsh and hangs his wool car coat on the hall tree, claps his hands together, and rubs them. He takes Mrs. Walsh by the shoulders and plants a noisy kiss on her forehead. “And how’s my favorite colleen today?”

Mrs. Walsh blushes. “Enough of the blarney, Mr. Markey.”

Mr. Markey holds out his hand to Father Tom. “Francis X. Markey.” They shake hands. Mr. Markey points to the parlor. “Care to join me, Father?”

Father Tom sits on the edge of the sofa behind the coffee table, his hands folded on his knees. Mr. Markey drops into the upholstered armchair, leans his head back against the antimacassar, and runs his fingers through his hair. “I gave the monsignor five bucks and told him to get a forty-five-minute coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts. It’s the only thing open between here and the expressway.” He leans forward. “You know why I’m here.”

“I’ve been threatened, Mr. Markey.” Father Tom slides the vicious letter across the coffee table.

Mr. Markey leans forward and reads it, steeples his fingers, and brings his hands to his face. “It won’t be the last, I would guess. I should make one thing clear, Father. I don’t care what you did or didn’t do. I don’t particularly care what happens to you. I don’t care about you in any but the most Christianable way. I care about Holy Mother the Church.”

“I didn’t do what I’ve been accused of.”

“You’re up to your neck in shit, my friend.” Mr. Markey walks to the French doors and closes them, then turns back to Father Tom. “You attended O’Connell Seminary, am I right?”

“I did.”

“Yes, you did. You guys had a regular fuck show going over there, didn’t you?”

“I don’t have to listen to this.”

“Yes, you do. I’m the only guy who can keep you out of Concord.” Mr. Markey takes a handful of Skittles from the bowl on the coffee table and eats a few. “You do not want to go to prison.”

“I’m innocent. I won’t go to prison.”

Mr. Markey smiles and shakes his head. “They’ll put you in protective custody, of course. What you need to understand, however, is that the guards are scarier than the inmates when it comes to pedophiles. They’ll piss in your food, shit in your bunk, and they’ll sodomize you with a control baton if you complain. They’ll degrade you in every way they can. And then one day while you’re playing cribbage with another kiddie diddler, the guards will turn away when some trusty goes after you with a lead pipe.”

Father Tom puts his head in his hands. He takes a deep breath and sits back, stares at the ceiling. He hears Mrs. Walsh whispering — her prayers, no doubt — as she climbs the stairs. “Why has His Eminence sent you here, Mr. Markey?”

“I make problems go away.” He shows Father Tom his handful of Skittles, rubs his palms together, holds out two fists and says, “Which hand has the candy?”

“The left.”

Mr. Markey opens his empty left hand and then his empty right hand. He turns his palms to show he’s not hiding anything. “Do you remember a priest named Dan Caputo?”

“Died last year. Had a parish in JP and did all that social justice work. ‘Speak truth to power’ and all that — he was an inspirational leader.”

“But he had a secret, as so many of us do. The cops found his battered corpse in an alley in Chinatown, his pants down to his ankles, a cock ring on his dick, and what would prove to be semen on his lips. When they checked his ID and found out who he was, they called the cardinal, who called me.”

“I didn’t hear about any of this.”

“Exactly. We got rid of the porn magazines and videos in his car. He died a hero.” Mr. Markey sits in the armchair and looks at Father Tom. “The Catholic Workers named their new place alter him. The Father Dan Caputo House of Hospitality.” He laughs. “Nothing is ever what it seems to be, Father.” He reaches in his pocket. “Weather alert.” He takes out his BlackBerry. “This event has all the makings of a Storm of the Century.” He reads his text message. “Calling for three feet inside 128.” He puts the BlackBerry away. “Now this is what we’re going to do. First, I’m going to offer our Mr. Ferry a handsome settlement in exchange for a signed statement admitting that he has been lying about the molestations due to his profound depression and anxiety. He’ll agree to check himself into a mental health clinic; you’ll be reassigned to a desk job at the chancery for the time being, and in a while this aggravation will be forgotten.”

“It’s in the papers.”

“You’ll do a press conference at which you’ll graciously and humbly accept Mr. Ferry’s apology and forgive him.”

“And if he doesn’t agree to your conditions?”

“That would suggest that he is a man of principle. But a penniless alcoholic, we both know, cannot afford principles.”

“But if he surprises you, then we go to trial and I’m exonerated.”

“Neither necessary nor desirable.” Mr. Markey walks to the fireplace and leans against the mantle. “Let me ask your opinion, Father, about this epidemic of predatory priests. Not you, of course. The guilty ones like Geoghan and Shanley. That lot. And Father Gale over here at St. Monica’s. The priesthood turns out to be a good place to hide in plain sight. Am I right?”

“I wouldn’t call it—”

“Six hundred and fifteen million dollars the Church in the States paid out just last year. That makes two billion total. Fourteen thousand felonies by forty-five hundred pedophile priests. And it’s only the tip of the iceberg, believe me.” He squats and warms his hands over the fire. “I have a theory, for what it’s worth.” He moves his left hand into the flame and leaves it there. “A theory of arrested development.”

“You’ll burn yourself.”

“You go to the seminary out of high school, and it’s all paid for. You graduate and get your parish assignment — no chasing down leads, no job interviews.” He pulls his hand out of the flame and examines it. “Along with the assignment comes food, clothing, and shelter, a salary, a woman to cook, clean up alter you, and do your laundry. You get a professional allowance, health insurance, and a pension. You snap on the Roman collar, and you have instant respect without having earned it.”

“That’s unfair.”

“The Church stifles your emotional growth. You’re a boy called Father. Not just you personally, Father. All of you.”

“Are you finished?”

“Then there’s the disagreeable issue of celibacy. Troublesome, am I right? Me, if I can’t release a few times a week, Jesus, I’m impossible to live with. Sure, you can masturbate and remain celibate and sane, but jacking off’s a sin, so what to do?”

“Pray.”

“You can pray away a boner?”

“One chooses to remain chaste, Mr. Markey. It’s a sacrifice, not a curse.”

Mr. Markey puts his hands behind his head and shrugs his shoulders. “But why little boys? That’s what I wonder, and then I think, yes, of course, arrested development. If you’re a boy yourself, you’re comfortable among other boys, and you also know an abused boy would never say anything about sucking your cock for fear the other kids would call him a fag. Shame keeps him quiet. Am I getting warm, Father?”

“You think you know me, but you don’t.”

“Thomas Aloysius Mulcahy, born February 15, 1948, at Mass General, second son to Brian, postal worker, and Kathleen, nee O’Sullivan, Mulcahy. Attended St. Cormac’s Grammar School and South Boston High; B student, perfect attendance in eleventh grade. You had mumps, chicken pox, measles, and rubella. You wore corrective glasses and corrective shoes. Your beloved brother Gerard died of spinal meningitis in 1958, and your dad blamed himself, drank more heavily, and abandoned the family six months later. So there you were at ten, alone with a hysterical mother and bereft of affection.”

Father Tom closes his eyes and sees himself lying on the floor by his mother’s locked bedroom door, crying, not knowing if she was also dead. He feels Mr. Markey’s hand on his shoulder and opens his eyes, wipes them.

“So you understood just how vulnerable boys who’d lost their dads were. They needed the love and guidance of an older man, and you reached out to them.”

“You’re making compassion sound obscene.”

“You took them for ice cream, to Fenway, to the beach. Their mothers were so grateful. You were a savior. Lionel even thought you were using him to woo his mom. And, of course, with you being a priest, he was confused.”

“You spoke with him?”

“Last night. He’s still living in his mom’s place on I Street.” Mr. Markey stared out the window at the howling storm. “He said you took him to the movies.”

“I took many boys to many movies.”

“You bought popcorn, buttered popcorn. ‘Butted,’ he said. ‘Hut butted pupcon,’ and you held the box on your lap, and when he reached in for a handful, your fingers touched, and you let the touch linger. He said you licked the ‘buttah’ off his fingers—”

“He’s lying.”

“That could be. Or it could be false memories. That happens. But let me ask you this. Has any priest ever confessed abuse to you?”

“If any had, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“What would you do if Father X told you he boinked all the altos in the boys’ choir?”

“I’d grant him absolution if he were contrite and determined not to sin again.”

“That’s it?”

“If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.”

“Forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.”

“I might also suggest counseling, therapy, prayer, and avoiding the near occasion to sin.”

Mr. Markey picks up a copy of The Pilot off the coffee table and reads. “Cardinal Law Appointed Archpriest at Vatican Basilica.” He shakes his head, rolls the paper, and slaps it against his leg. “Our ex-cardinal here once accused a six-year-old boy of negligence and culpability in his own repeated rapes. Under oath!” He drops the paper onto the coffee table. “I can’t shake this paranoid fantasy I have of a fellowship of child-molesting priests all going to confession to one another, forgiving one another, and moving on as if nothing ever happened.”

“One would need sincere contrition.”

“They confess; they are contrite; they are forgiven.” Mr. Markey checks his watch. “I’m going to need to speak with the monsignor alone. Maybe you should visit the church and pray for strength and guidance. By the time we see you again, everything should be taken care of.” Mr. Markey puts his hand on the back of Father Tom’s neck and squeezes. He pulls Father Tom’s head toward his own until their foreheads touch. “Trust me.”

Father Tom feels a hot current of pain buzz through his skull like his head’s attached to a live electrical wire, but he’s rigid, shaken, and speechless, and he can’t pull away.

Father Tom lights a votive candle and prays for courage and understanding. He’s always savored his time alone in a dark church where he feels hidden away. As a boy he’d arrive at five or six every Saturday morning, sit beneath the stained-glass window of the Last Supper, and pray the rosary. He wanted God to know that he was no Sunday Catholic; he was a boy God could count on, a soldier of Christ. Father Tom genuflects, walks to the pew beneath the Last Supper, and sits. The world seems far away. He remembers asking God to make him either dead or invisible. Dead he’d be with Jesus and Gerard; invisible he’d be alone.

He looks up at the window. Jesus has a mole under His right eye. The beloved John has his head on his arm and his arm on the table. His eyes are shut, and he’s smiling like he’s tasted the honeyed love of his Lord. The apostle Thomas stands behind the others, and all you see is his single wide eye peering above the heads at Jesus, the way Gerard’s single eye peered above the hem of the blanket on the couch when he ran his foot along Tom’s leg. “Quit it, Gerard, or I’ll call Mom!”

When Gerard lay in his coma at the hospital, the nuns from St. Cormac’s took up residence in his room and kept a twenty-four-hour vigil. They fussed and prayed over him. Sister Brigid saw the Angel Gabriel at the foot of Gerard’s bed, weeping. Gerard was a saint, the nuns were certain. The ones He loves best, God takes first. When Gerard died in his mother’s arms, the nuns hung framed photos of Gerard in every classroom alongside the president and the pope. Then the stories of Gerard’s sanctity started, how he had healed a starling’s broken wing with just a touch, how he could be both in church and in school simultaneously, how he could smell the presence of sin, how the statue of the Virgin Mary on the altar had wept at the moment of Gerard’s passing.

What Father Tom will admit to if they ask — because it’s pretty normal anyway — is that there are two selves in him. There’s the self you see, the Father Tom he wants to be, the he who is pastoral, devout, compassionate, prudent... and what else? Vulnerable? Yes. And washed in the blood of the Lamb. And this is the bona fide Father Tom Mulcahy. And then there is the sinner, the carnal scoundrel who is impulsive, selfish, devious, and insatiable, a wolf inside who knows the secret of Father Tom’s loneliness and hunger, and who would, if he could, twist Father Tom’s selfless love and earnest affection into something loathsome and viperous. Father Tom will admit, this is to say, that he is indeed human and flawed, no better than they. And he’ll explain to them his obsessive vigilance and tenacity in the battle with his pernicious other, and how he has always vanquished the interloping demon and has done so at a staggering price.

One day after sledding and making snow angels, he and Gerard built a snowman in the small backyard, and his brother took the carrot for the nose and stuck it down there and made it a weenie and told Tom to get down on his knees and eat it. He wouldn’t, so Gerard pushed his face into the snow and sat on his head until Tom couldn’t breathe, and he was terrified, and his mother wasn’t here to save him.

He hears a noise, like someone dropped a hymnal, but when he looks around, he sees no one. He says, “Mr. O’Toole?” and hears his voice echo. He listens to the howling wind and to his beating heart. And then he hears his sobbing mother say, Why Gerard, dear God? They are in the hospital, and Tom is in a corner, peering past the nuns at his mother, prostrate on his dead brother’s bed. Why the beautiful one? she says.

Father Tom prays for wisdom, guidance, and deliverance. He’ll do God’s will, and if God wants him to suffer unjustly, then so be it. But he’s done with waiting. He’ll speak with this Judas, this traducer, this Lionel Ferry, and give him a chance to confess his lies and to accept God’s grace into his heart.

When Father Tom enters the sacristy, he’s surprised by a man in a cumbersome green snow suit standing in a puddle of melting snow. “Mr. O’Toole?” Father Tom says. A black balaclava covers most of the man’s face. His mustache is white with ice, and his glasses are opaque with fog. This man, who is apparently not Davy O’Toole, who is, Father Tom realizes, several inches shorter than the custodian, has a snowball in his left hand, which he lobs to Father Tom. When Father Tom catches the ball against his chest, the man swings what must be a club and strikes him on the side of his face, and he drops to the floor. His skull is shattered, he’s certain, but it doesn’t hurt. He hears the squeak of footsteps, hears the church door open, squeal, and slam shut. After several minutes, he opens the one eye that will, touches his face, and feels the drilling pain. His left ear is ringing.

Father Tom holds a handful of numbing snow over his swollen eye, presses the buzzer, and waits. He kicks aside some drifted snow and forces the storm door open. He knocks on the inside front door twice and then shave-and-a-haircut. A voice says, “Come in if you’re beautiful.” Father Tom drops the snow from his eye, shakes off as much snow as he can from his coat and slacks, steps inside the unlit parlor, and lets his eye adjust. “Hello!” He can see his breath. He can make out a sofa and a sleeping bag spread on the floor. He hears, “Be right with you. Gotta drain the lizard.”

The parlor is spare, grim, disordered, and in need of a good airing out and thorough cleaning. The flock wallpaper is peeling and water-stained. Next to the sleeping bag is a white plastic lawn chair stacked with magazines. There’s a small TV on the floor and a bookcase crammed with videotapes in black boxes. He hears, “Make yourself at home.” He steps around pizza boxes — pepper-oni and sausage, or are those mouse droppings? — and piles of funky clothing and sits in an old wooden kitchen chair with a slat missing from the backrest. He notices an unframed paint-by-number portrait of Pope John Paul II hung over the light switch by the closed door to what had been Lionel’s bedroom. He sees those eyes that follow you around the room.

Lionel enters cradling a bottle of vodka. He’s wearing a waist-length leather jacket with an extravagant fur collar, black patent leather shoes, and no shirt. His khaki chinos have been pissed in.

“Train?”

“Tommy Gun!”

“What’s happened to you?”

“That’s what we called you behind your back.”

“You don’t have to live like this.”

“Your eye?”

“I fell.”

Lionel flops onto the sofa. “I’ve been expecting you.”

“You have?”

“For years.” He drinks.

“We need to talk.”

Lionel pats the sofa cushion. “Come sit with me.”

“I’m fine here.”

“I won’t bite.” He smiles. “I insist.”

Father Tom moves to the sofa. “Did you write me a letter?”

“I never mailed it.” Lionel touches Father Tom’s arm. “I forgive you, Father. But I can’t forget. That’s the difference between me and God.”

“I think you may have misunderstood my actions, Train.”

“Of course you do. Otherwise, how could you live with yourself?”

“You don’t want to do this to me.”

“Do you remember my father’s funeral? You drove me home from the cemetery.”

“Kevin was a good man.”

“He was an asshole.” Lionel sniffles and sips the vodka. His eyes water, and he knows he could cry, but there’ll be time for that later. “You bought me an ice-cream cone, pistachio with jimmies, and drove slowly. You said, ‘I know for a young boy like you, Train, this is an awful loss.’ By then you were patting my leg. You left your hand on my thigh...”

Father Tom unbuttons his coat and takes off his cap, pats down his thin, flyaway hair. He feels his forehead. He remembers those mornings in church when Jesus would come to him with His heart burning like a furnace, and the heat would blanket Tom, and he would sweat and lift his eyes to heaven, and Jesus would thrust a golden dart through his heart.

“...and then your hand was in your pants, and your face was all squinched up, and all I could do was stare out the window and hope it would end, and the ice cream melted and ran down my arm until it was all gone.”

“That did not happen, and I don’t know why you want to think it did. I was offering you comfort and solace. I knew what it felt like to hunger for human touch. My father never held me, Train. Ever. My mother never did after Gerard died.”

“Should I play my little violin?”

“I took your father’s place.”

“I’d wake up and you’d be in my bed.”

“On your bed. Watching you sleep, like fathers have always watched their sons and imagined brilliant futures for them.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“You were an affectionate boy. You brought out the tenderness in people. In me. And yes, I felt needed; I felt connected to another person for the first time since Gerard died.”

“Did you wonder how I felt?”

“If it was a problem for you, you should have told me. I would have respected that. I had an understanding with myself. I thought I had your permission.”

“If nothing sexual ever happened, why do I remember that it did?”

“Could you be making it up, Train?”

And then there’s a knock, and Mr. Markey opens the door and steps into the room. He stamps his feet, tosses a fifth of brandy to Lionel and a newspaper to Father Tom. “You’re famous, Father.”

The man behind Mr. Markey takes off his glasses and his balaclava. He wipes his glasses with a hanky and puts them back on.

Mr. Markey says, “I believe you’ve already met my friend, Mr. Hanratty.”

“Twice,” Father Tom replies.

Mr. Markey says, “You’ll excuse us, gents,” and Lionel gets up and follows Mr. Hanratty down the hall to the kitchen.

“He’s a reporter,” Father Tom says.

Mr. Markey smiles. “Terrance doesn’t write for the Globe; he delivers it.”

Father Tom points to his face. “He did this to me.”

“He can be a little feisty. I try to keep him on a short leash.” Mr. Markey shrugs. “So tell me, Father, does our Lionel still make your heart beat faster?”

Father Tom stands and steps toward the door. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to this.”

Mr. Markey grabs Father Tom’s arm at the wrist and twists it until the palm is behind his back and the elbow is locked. “I’ve read somewhere that pain elevates our thoughts,” Mr. Markey says, and he tugs at the arm until Father Tom feels like it’ll snap at the wrist and shatter at the shoulder. “Of course, I’m not a theologian.”

Father Tom is bent at the waist and in tears. “Please, you’re hurting me.”

“Keeps our mind off amusements.”

“You’re insane.”

“Have you ever slept on a bed of crushed glass, Father?”

“Please, dear God!”

“Worn a crown of nettle?” Mr. Markey lifts the arm slowly. “These are not rhetorical questions, Father. Answer me.”

“No, I haven’t.”

Mr. Markey releases Father Tom and shoves him back onto the sofa. “What excruciating bliss when the pain ends. You feel grateful to me right now, don’t you?”

Father Tom can’t move his arm.

“Thank me.”

“Thank you?”

Mr. Markey leans over him. “Thank me!”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Mr. Markey tousles Father Tom’s hair, pats his head. “Pain releases endorphins. You feel a little high. I believe you have practiced certain endorphin-releasing austerities yourself, have you not?”

“I’m not a masochist, if that’s what you mean.”

“The time you slammed your hand in the car door?”

“An accident.”

“That’s not what you told your therapist. Why on earth would you have wanted to punish yourself like that?” Mr. Markey walks to the window and admires the storm. “You don’t get to see but one or two nor’easters like this in a lifetime.”

Father Tom wonders if he could make it out the door before Mr. Markey catches him. And then what?

“I’m sure you struggled, Father, fought the good fight. You always wanted to do the right thing, but those little cock teasers wouldn’t let you. Always with their sweet little asses and their angelic smiles.” He leans forward and whispers: “You liked bending their heads back and kissing their exposed throats, didn’t you? Absolutely divine, isn’t it?”

“You filthy—”

“An ecstatic moment and yet so difficult to put into words.” Mr. Markey takes off his gloves and pulls up the sleeves of his car coat. “Nothing up my sleeve.” And then he reaches behind Father Tom’s ear and holds up a folded piece of loose-leaf paper. “What have we here?” He unfolds it. “My associate, Mr. Hanratty, discovered this in your dresser beneath your unmentionables while we were speaking earlier. It seems to be a list of boys’ names. Should I read them?”

“Boys from the parish, boys I’ve worked with.”

“But not all the boys you’ve worked with. What’s special about these boys?”

“Everyone has his favorites.”

Mr. Hanratty returns and hands a manila folder to Mr. Markey, who holds it up for Father Tom to see. “You can guess what this is, I’m sure.”

“Class photos,” Father Tom says.

“Of boys.”

“Perfectly innocent,” Father Tom says.

“They help you get off, I’ll bet.”

Father Tom feels the throbbing pain in his closed eye. “Look,” he says, “it was a constant battle. I was always thinking about this... this abomination and trying not to think about it. I had no time for friendship or music or dreams or joy or charity or anything else that makes life worth living. If I had relaxed for a moment, I knew I might lose control. But I did not!”

“You are a victim of yourself. Is that what you’re saying? You’re the victim?”

Father Tom notices that the pope’s painted eyes seem to shimmer in their sockets and spin like pinwheels and Mr. Markey’s voice sounds tinny and far away, and then Lionel’s a boy again, and he and Lionel are kneeling by the kid’s bed saying their prayers, and then he tickles Lionel until Lionel begs him to stop, and Father Tom stops and says, What a great relief when the pleasure ends. And he drapes his arm around Lionel’s shoulders and kisses his blond head, like a father saying good-night to his beloved son, and then, he can’t help it, he tickles Lionel again until the boy yells, Help! And then Father Tom feels his head snap and realizes he’s been slapped.

“Thanks, you needed that,” Mr. Hanratty says.

“Why were you screaming for help, Father?” Mr. Markey puts the watch cap on Father Tom’s head. “Let’s go for a walk.”

Mr. Markey closes the door behind them. He stands on the porch with Father Tom while Mr. Hanratty shovels a path through the waist-high drift to the middle of the windswept street where the snow is only shin- and ankle-deep.

“Where’s Lionel?” Father Tom asks.

“Sleeping it off.”

Father Tom pulls the cap down over his ears. The ringing in the left is worse. “What’s the best I can hope for?”

“That we’ve been wrong all along, and there’s no afterlife.”

“That’s absurd.”

“That way you won’t know you’re dead. And in hell.”

“You have no right to judge me.”

“Who would want to live forever anyway? We’d be so bored we’d kill ourselves.”

Mr. Markey leads Father Tom to the street. Mr. Hanratty spears his shovel into the snow. All Father Tom can see out of his squinted eyes are the slanting sheets of blowing flakes, the snowy hummocks of buried cars, and the indistinct facades of houses. He hears what might be the distant drone of heavy machinery or the blood coursing through his head. Mr. Markey and Mr. Hanratty stand to either side of him and lock their arms in his. Heads bowed into the wind, they begin their trudge down I Street.

“Where are you taking me?”

Mr. Markey says, “We thought you might need help.”

“I have hope.” Hope is the last emotion to leave us, Father Tom thinks. He sees the lyre player on her rock and speculates that you don’t hope for something, do you? You just hope. To wait is to hope. Hope is a rebuke to the cold and starless sky. I am, it says. I will be. Father Tom sees movement to his right and makes out a bundled and hooded figure sweeping snow from a porch.

Mr. Markey leans his face to Father Tom’s ear and says, “Not hope! Help!” The figure on the porch stops, regards the three lumbering gentlemen, turns, and goes into the house. And then Mr. Markey adds, “Sometimes a message must be sent,” but what Father Tom hears is “Sometimes a messy, musky scent,” and he wonders why this man is speaking in riddles. Mr. Markey tells Mr. Hanratty how we all have our burden to carry, and he points to Father Tom and says, “And this is the cross-eyed bear.” Why would they call him that? Father Tom wonders.

When they reach Gleason’s Market, Father Tom knows the rectory is around the block, and he’s relieved to see that they’re taking him back. They had him rattled earlier with that talk of no afterlife and all. But what else could they do, really? Soon he’ll be sipping Mrs. Walsh’s potato and barley soup after a hot bath, and then he’ll go to his room and read and look out on this magnificent storm. Maybe he’ll read right through his Graham Greene novels like he did the winter he was laid up with the broken leg. He sees a light on in the rectory kitchen, or at least he thinks he does. With all this bone-white snow in the air, it’s not like you can actually look at anything. You look through the white. It’s like peering at the world through linen. But then the light goes off, or was never on, and he thinks of the tricks your eyes can pull on you, like when you stare at the sky and the clouds seem to race up and away from you. No, the light is still on. He turns to Mr. Markey and says, “Everything’s all right then?”

“Copacetic, Father.” Mr. Markey looks at Father Tom’s florid and swollen face, at his tiny blue eye, fixed in baggy lids like a turquoise bead on a leather pouch. A ragged little thin-lipped cyclops.

They walk past the rectory and follow a path that Mr. O’Toole has evidently plowed between the garage ™d the school. Father Tom looks up at the fourth-grade classroom and sees his nine-year-old self in the window by the pencil sharpener, nose pressed against the glass, looking down at him. When he peers out the window, Tom sees a battered old drunk being helped home by two friends, and he would like to know whose grandfather this is, but Sister calls him back to his seat for the spelling bee. Father Tom thinks now that he remembers that stormy morning when this ungainly procession passed below the window as he watched, but the old man could not have been him. A person can’t be in two places at the same time. And then Monsignor McDermott is standing in the window. Father Tom would like to wave hello, but the men have his arms. The monsignor blows his nose and wipes it and then tucks his hanky up the sleeve of his cassock. Father Tom struggles to free the arm, and his escorts release him. He waves, but to an empty window. He considers screaming but doubts his voice would carry in the muffled stillness of the snow. And if it did? He lifts his arms, and the gentlemen lock theirs in his and walk.

“That’s better,” Mr. Markey says.

When they head up an alley and away From the rectory, Father Tom asks Mr. Markey, “Who do you think you are?”

“Nobody.”

“You’re somebody.”

“Am I?”

“And I think I know you.”

Father Tom is warm under this snowy blanket and would like to take off his jacket. He feels the icy snow whipping at his face and sees a pearl-handled straight razor lying on a bloom of crimson snow by his groin. He’s on his back. His legs are buried beneath the drift. How long has he lain here? He gurgles, coughs, tastes blood in his mouth. He’d been dreaming of falling through a starless purple sky away from the vision of Christ when he realized he was tumbling toward the infernal abyss, and he screamed himself awake, thank God. His left arm is bent at the elbow and points to heaven. He tells the arm to move, but nothing happens. He might as well be telling someone else’s arm to move. He remembers long ago lying helplessly in Lionel’s bed with the dozing boy and trying to will him to turn, to rest his head on his, Father Tom’s, chest and his slender arm on Father’s waist. And later when Lionel whimpered and opened his teary eyes, Father Tom held him and said, “You’ve had a bad dream, Train, that’s all. Don’t cry, baby, don’t cry. Don’t cry.”

But if he did not, in fact, scream himself awake moments ago, and if this is, indeed, hell, this frozen drift of blood and guilt, then Father Tom is happy to know that at least they don’t take your memories away, which makes sense, because without a past you don’t exist, and there can be no hell for you. He knows that his memories of love and affection will comfort and sustain him for eternity. And then he sees Mr. Markey and Mr. Hanratty standing over him. But when Mr. Hanratty pulls back his balaclava, Father Tom sees that it’s Gerard, and he’s with Jesus and not with Mr. Markey, and Jesus has His arm draped over Gerard’s shoulders. Jesus waves at Father Tom and says, “So long, small fry!” They shake their heads and turn away.

“Stop, please!” Father Tom says, or thinks he says. And then he watches them somehow as they walk back in the direction of St. Cormac’s, watches Jesus whisper into Gerard’s ear, and the two of them turn again to glance back at him, but all they see is a black smudge in a while world that looks otherwise unsullied.