The Book of the Unnamed Midwife

Chapter Nine

THE BOOK OF HONUS OBERMEYER

CONTAINING THE STORY OF THE FIRST HIVE

AS SCRIBED BY THE UNNAMED MIDWIFE

Day 53

We’ve been with Amanda in her hive, as she calls is, for two days. They caught us that night on the roof and brought us here. They forced us to drink strong drink, and then there was dancing with strange drum music. I was so frightened. I broke the Word of Wisdom. I was stripped nude and force-fed more alcohol. I was given a pipe to smoke and I smoked it. I think it was marijuana. It smelled like the kids I knew were trouble in high school. The feeling of it seemed to go on for days and days. I lost track of time. I forgot who I was. I woke up sick and with my mouth dry and my head pounding. I thought I would die, but I did not.

Amanda is a tall, beautiful girl. She has long blonde hair and bright green eyes. She wears clothing that barely exists, like bikini underwear and see-through dresses. I can always see her breasts. I try to look away. She doesn’t speak to us, she speaks to all the men as though they were one person. There are about twenty men here. They are all on drugs. Most of them have tattoos. I don’t know what this place is but there are no windows and there are four or five stages in the room. Maybe it’s some kind of theater. They barely eat food, preferring to drink and smoke. Langdon is in a haze constantly. I tried to leave and drag him out with me, but a group of the men stopped me. They were making this terrible noise. I’m terrified.

Day 54

I was called in to speak with Amanda in private. She made me kneel in front of her as she lay naked on a couch. I tried not to look, but it was such a trial. She asked me where we were from. I couldn’t think of any reason not to tell her the truth, so I did. She seemed very happy that we were LDS. She said we would be her ‘prettiest boys.’ I showed her my ring and told her I was married right away.

She said that all the other girls had died and she was all that was left. I told her not my girl.

She got up and told me to sit on her couch. She traded me places and knelt in front of me, her breasts against my inner thighs. I fought temptation, I struggled like Jacob struggled with the angel. She tried to unzip my pants but I stopped her. I told her no.

She said she was the queen of the hive and she needed more drones to bring her honey. Nothing about that made sense to me, but I didn’t want her. I wanted to go home.

She seemed to go blank then. She had been all sweet-talk and seduction until the moment I said no, then she went totally blank like she had no feelings at all. She told me to get out and send in the other one. I asked her if she meant Elder Langdon. She laughed a little and showed me a tiny blue pill with a dolphin stamped on it. I shook my head and she put it in her own mouth. I walked out of the room and the guards were already pushing Langdon through the door.

I waited in the main stage-room with the other men. They were all drinking alcohol or taking drugs. It seemed like that was what they did all day. Some of them were dancing on the stages using the poles. They all seemed to be naked or on their way there. Some of them were having sex with one another. I’ve never imagined anything like that in my life, even on those occasions when I was tempted to view pornography and gave in. I didn’t know where to look. I thought I might be able to get away while they were all distracted, but then Amanda burst out of her room into their midst. She held Langdon’s hand. He was naked.

She said something like, “Drones! Today a new bee joins your number!” They all hooted and clapped and some of them buzzed. I tried to get Langdon to look me in the eye, but he was obviously high as a kite.

I asked him if he had taken the dolphin from her.

I am the dolphin, he told me.

Amanda led him to the largest central stage and told him today was his day. She laid him down and straddled him and I tried to run away then but I couldn’t believe this freaking abomination was really happening. Every man in the room rushed the stage and I could see them reaching for her with their dicks out, trying to jam them anywhere near her. They became an inhuman pile of the most disgusting sex I can imagine.

I started to back away when one of them grabbed me. It all happened so fast that I barely understood what was happening. He wrestled me to the floor, trying to kiss the back of my neck. I could feel his erection against me and I just panicked. He was so rough and out of control and I tried to pull away but he just kept on. I tried to turn around and push him off me, I ended up elbowing him straight in the eye. I kicked him hard once he was off me. My heart was hammering and I couldn’t even see straight.

I ran. I found the room where they had put my clothes and my pack and I got as dressed as I could and ran for the back door. The whole back side of that building was like a maze of little rooms and hallways and there was no light. Eventually I hit a door that burst open and I couldn’t believe it was daytime.

Out back there was a dumpster overflowing with dead bodies. Some of them lay half out of it, like laundry hanging out of the hamper. More of them were piled on the ground. Live bodies were piled up inside and dead bodies were piled up outside.

I threw up. The smell and the drugs and everything I had just been through was just too much. I ran away, still vomiting, just wanting to get out of there. I didn’t stop until I got to a little house and broke a window to get in.

I prayed for Elder Langdon. I don’t know if he made the choice or the choice was made for him. I just know I can’t go back for him. Never ever could I go back.

* * * * *

Dusty sat back from the book and stared at the candle. Her mouth was dry. It made sense that Honus had not wanted to share this. She was more than halfway through his diary.

She slept in and woke up to the sound of Honus splitting wood outside. There was more than enough wood on the side of the house. It had become a signal between them that meant ‘come outside and talk to me.’

Jodi was where she always was: in the kitchen. Dusty looked at her posture, the way she held the lordotic curve in the small of her back with her hands; the way she waddled. It would be soon.

They had everything Dusty thought they might possibly need. She had taught both Jodi and Honus to time her contractions with a watch they had brought back from the mall. She approached Jodi and asked permission before palpating her belly.

“He’s kicking all the time! He stopped doing somersaults, though.”

Dusty’s hands found the baby’s head. The kid was turned and faced Jodi’s spine. He was ready. “I don’t think he has enough room to do that anymore. How are you feeling?”

Jodi fidgeted. “Ok. Bored, mostly. And anxious. I want to have the baby already. Like meet him and hold him. You know?”

“I know.” They had brought home formula in case Jodi couldn’t breastfeed. They had hidden it from her, in case things went wrong or she felt insulted by it. “No pain or weird feelings?

Nightmares?”

“Yeah like crazy nightmares! Like I lost him or someone is trying to take him from me. All the time!”

“That’s pretty common. If you get scared in the middle of the night, you should go wake up Honus. He can comfort you, and help you get back to sleep.”

Dusty had tried suggesting before that Jodi seek her husband’s comfort in the middle of the night. She had tried innocuous ways and explicit ways. She had tried to ask Jodi about sex. She had been met with suspicion and disgust. It was not a subject they could talk about.

Jodi pulled back from her now and returned to the business of cooking. “Oatmeal soon. With raisins or craisins. Your choice.”

“We got any nuts?”

“Yeah I forgot you like them. Some walnuts.”

“Good.” Dusty went outside.

Honus swung the axe over his head and brought it down in a neat arc. He had shucked down to his over shirt, and Dusty could see the wing of muscles down his side flex and extend.

Latissimus dorsi, whispered the part of her brain that was always preparing for exams in nursing school. She sat on the woodpile.

“How’s Jodi?”

“She’s fine. But I do think it will be soon.”

Honus’ face lit up. “I can’t wait.”

“I can wait forever. They’re both healthy right now, I wish I knew that would stay that way.”

“Don’t worry so much. Have faith.”

Dusty said nothing, hoping the moment would pass.

“Don’t you have any faith at all? Weren’t you raised with any?”

“My parents weren’t religious.”

“Weren’t you ever curious what it was all about?”

“I had a phase in college when I went to church with a bunch of my friends to see what they were so crazy about. I didn’t find anything I wanted.”

“Did you ever have a feeling like the presence of God?”

Dusty thought about storms gathering over the lake before she had had to kill to defend it. She remembered days at the beach and hikes in the woods. She thought about the raw wonder of birth and swiftly her mind plunged into memories of orgasm. Her college girlfriend scream-spasming with Dusty’s whole fist inside her. Coming together with Jack at the best of times, like an electric circuit completing itself. The birth of the baby approached and all Dusty could think about was sex. She was already out of batteries.

“I’ve felt something,” she finally said.

Honus put the axe down and started to stack wood against the house. “Do you know the Bible?”

“Pretty well, yeah. I had to take a class in it as an undergrad.”

“How well do you know the life of Jesus?”

She sighed. They had had moments before when she had the distinct feeling he was working on her. She hated it, especially that he thought she couldn’t tell. She looked back in the window to see if breakfast was ready yet. It was not.

“Pretty well. I could tell the whole story if I needed to.”

“Did you know he was married?”

“I know some people think so.” This was already tiresome.

“Did you know he had two wives?” Honus looked at her mischievously.

“What?”

Honus put one leg up on the woodpile. He had her full attention. “So you know the story where Jesus is teaching in the home of two sisters, Mary and Martha. And Mary sits and listens to Jesus talking while Martha works in the kitchen. And Martha gets mad and comes out and complains to Jesus like, ‘Hey Jesus! This isn’t fair! Make her come help me.’ And Jesus tells her that Mary made her own choice, and they’re both good ones.”

Dusty nodded.

“So some people think that it was his house, and they were his wives. That’s why they acted like he was in charge of them. Makes sense, right? So when my ancestors practiced plural marriage, they were following in the footsteps of the son of God.”

Dusty nodded again. “So are you saying now that there are so many more men than women, you’d like Jodi to find another husband or two?”

How does that sound? Try it on that way.

“What? No! I was saying that if you—“

Jodi opened the door. “Breakfast!”

When she was gone again, Dusty turned back to Honus. “I’m not all torn up about polygamy. It doesn’t bother me at all as long as it’s what people choose. But don’t you think it’s a little ridiculous with the way things are now to suggest that one man should have a couple of wives? Really, it’s more likely that if they have a choice, women will collect multiple mates.” She wasn’t alluding to Amanda, but she could tell that’s what he was thinking.

He straightened up and headed inside.

It was only afterward that she realized he had been coming on to her the only way he knew how.

* * * * *

A few more monotonous days and he got over it. They sat up late one night, talking after Jodi had gone to bed. Dusty had made them hot chocolate and they sat on the sofa, staring into the fire.

“So some women do enjoy sex, huh? It’s not just a myth made up by pornographers?” He smiled lopsidedly at her.

Dusty snorted. “They really do. Jodi doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings. She really loves you. I can’t figure out why, but she’s just not interested.”

“But you enjoy it. Or you used to, when you were with Jack. Right?”

“Yeah, I really did. With Jack and with Cassie and with Dana and with Andrew…”

He blushed. “You’ve had a lot of partners… and I know some of them were women…”

“I come from somewhere very different than you two,” she said gently.

He nodded, getting a hold of himself. “I know, I know. It’s just… it’s really different.” He slugged his cocoa as if it would give him courage. “You know, Jodi is grossed out that you were ever with a woman. She’s worried that you might look at her… that way.”

Dusty drank, too. “Yeah, straight girls worry that a lot. She’s got nothing to fear from me. I hope she doesn’t think I’m perving out on examining her.”

“Nah, she’s really glad that you can take care of her and the baby. She kind of keeps it separate.”

They sat in the crackling warmth.

“Don’t you want to know if I think it’s gross?”

“Not really.” Old anger flared up.

What’s the point, what’s the point? Why fight about this now when it barely matters anymore?

“Well, I don’t. I never bought the church line about marriage. I do think there’s something special about temple marriage, but legal marriage is something else. I don’t think it’s gross.” He looked at her expectantly.

Pin a ribbon on me. I’m so progressive.

“What if it’s two guys?” She was not in a ribbon-pinning mood.

Honus sucked a breath in between his teeth. “That’s harder for me to understand, because I think guys are gross and hairy and I’ve never wanted one. But it’s none of my business if another guy does. As long as it’s not me.” Once more, he tried for the ribbon.

“Well then. How evolved of you. I expect a number of men will find themselves attracted to each other in this brave new world. What a surprise it will be.” She wanted to discuss his diaries with him, badly. She hinted all the time but he never suspected.

“Do you like guys better? Or girls?”

Not that evolved.

“It’s not like that. I like people. They come with the bodies they come with.”

“I’ve never met anyone like you.” His fingers had crept across the cushion between them and came to rest on hers.

She was somewhere between laughing in his face at the cheesiness of his line and climbing into his lap and fucking him right then. It was a strange place. She leaned a little toward him, not feeling like it was a conscious decision, but only the drawing of one magnet to the other.

“Yeah, you’re new for me, too.”

His fingers slid over hers and then laced between them. She burned.

“Honus?”

It was Jodi. Her voice was muffled by the closed door but it made him jump anyway. “What’s wrong?” He ran down the hall and stood beside her door.

“Nothing’s wrong, but can you bring me some water?”

“Of course, honey. Of course. Be right there.”

He did not look at Dusty as he crossed into the kitchen. She got up without a word and went to bed. She knelt facing her headboard and stroked her clit between two fingers maybe four times before she came. Afterward, she touched her guns and lay down and fell asleep.

THE BOOK OF HONUS OBERMEYER

AS SCRIBED BY THE UNNAMED MIDWIFE

Day 64

I’ve been without a companion for more than ten days now. I have decided to push onward and serve my mission fully before returning.

I thought I was lonely when Langdon was distant, but this is much worse. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I’m praying to meet some people in Denver, but I also fear meeting anyone. Please Heavenly Father, please help me find the people I’ve been called to. Let the spirit guide them if you would have them seek me. I’m not even asking for a golden contact. Just nice normal people who I can talk to. Maybe even someone to bring back with me.

The terrain is becoming mountainous and the nights are very cold. The road into Denver is not in good shape. There are car wrecks on the other side and dead people in cars on the shoulder heading in. I saw animals a few days ago. A herd of antelope first, followed by a couple of moose. I’ve never seen an animal that big outside of a zoo. It was a little scary, but I am glad to see them. It means there is something we can hunt for fresh meat. I’ve never learned to do that, but I bet there are other elders who know how.

Day 70

I’ve gotten terrible about keeping my missionary journal, but there’s so little to tell. I eat alone, whatever I can find. I read scriptures alone, I pray alone. I sleep alone, I wake up alone. I walk toward Denver. I am really hoping to find a bicycle.

Day 75

I found a bicycle. It’s so much faster, I can’t believe how much ground I have covered. By the map, I am very close to Denver. Thank you, Heavenly Father. I know you laid my path for me and there is a reason for every part of it. Please see me safely to the temple so that I may find my people.

Day 81

(This page is just the lyrics to “You Fill up My Senses” written out with some hymn after it)

Day 89

What a day.

I reached the street that the temple was on and saw that most of the area had burned down. The street was clear though, so I pedaled as fast as I could. I couldn’t see it. The houses around it are all on twisty streets, so I turned and turned again trying to get to it. When it finally came into view, I hit the brakes and got off. I walked toward the back fence. There was something behind it that looked like it used to be a gazebo. I walked around the fences to the front entrance.

I could tell it used to be a beautiful temple. It had burned almost completely. Everything that used to be white had gone black. The garden in front was torched and the fountain and pools were empty and dry. The structure still stood, even the steeple was still up. I decided to go in.

I went through the baptismal room. It was empty, but the water had gone sour and cloudy. The whole building reeked. Aside from the fire, I couldn’t tell if anything bad had happened. I went upstairs through the different rooms. I could tell it used to be a splendid, restful place. It broke my heart to see it burned and abandoned like this. I thought there would be signs here that someone had taken care of it.

All the way up in the sealing room, there were people. They had all been burned. There was nothing left to tell who they were. Maybe ten of them lay around the altar, black and twisted. May Heavenly Father give them peace. At least they died near to Him.

I had to find something to bring back with me, to show that I had been here and there was no reason to return. I found the cover of the white visitor’s book, badly burned but the embossed letters still visible. It crumbled in my hand but I got a big piece of it. I wrapped it in one of my garments and put it in my bag.

There’s nothing here. There’s nothing here or anywhere.

Day 95

I sat with the map and planned my route back. I don’t want to go back the way I came. There’s a northern route through Wyoming that will get me back to Huntsville. I’ll head that way.

Day 115

Wyoming is desolate country. I still have my bicycle. There’s nothing to tell.

Day 124

I am reflecting much of the time. I search, ponder, and pray. If I can even desire to believe, and let this desire work on me, I can still have room in me for the word. Alma 32:27. I have only myself to think about. The stars are brighter than I’ve ever seen. I can see the Milky Way. The night is immense and majestic and I stare at the stars and I think.

I think about my mission in Canada and how much I complained. How lucky I was then! I think about the ice cream cooler I found in that gas station, all moldy goo with papers and labels floating in it. That almost made me cry like a baby. But I’m a man, so I ate some pretzels and thought about my wife. What if she’s pregnant? We were together for a week, but one time is enough. I might come home to a baby on the way. My beautiful Jodi, carrying my child. What a blessing in these terrible times.

I am not really on a mission anymore. I found what I was meant to find, even though it was an empty victory. There is no one to help or minister to. There is only me, on my bicycle, in the wilderness. I’m not in the wilderness like Nephi was. I don’t have to eat locusts or cast out demons. I just have to deal with myself. But there are demons in my wilderness. The wilderness is in my heart. I guess my demons are my nightmares.

I have decided to tell them Elder Langdon died on the road. I know it’s terrible to lie, but the truth is worse. Kurt Avery Langdon died serving his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I didn’t know him well. He was from Eden, and I didn’t meet him until we refugeed in from Ogden. He was a man of few words. His parents had died, and he came in with a group but I could tell he was alone. I hoped we would talk on the mission and get to know each other, but I think he had already given up. I wish I knew him better. I wish I could have dragged him out of that terrible place. For what it’s worth, I’ll tell people he ended better than he did. That’s my gift to you, companion.

* * * * *

Oh Honus. Only a little bit left. Will finish it tomorrow night. Understanding him better now.

Honus had taken to raiding almost every day. Both Jodi and Dusty assumed that he was trying to avoid being around the house, and both of them took it personally.

Dusty did not want to talk to Jodi. She was jealous and angry and anxious and guilty and annoyed with her. Jodi pouted at being left behind, at being bored, and grew testy and snappish.

Dusty listened to Jodi washing another thing that did not need to be washed and heard her hitch her breath a few times. They had not spoken in hours.

“Are you having contractions?”

“No, I’m not having contractions, mother.”

Another few hours of silence ensued.

* * * * *

When Honus returned in the evening, Dusty watched with disgust as Jodi flung herself at him, demanding to know where he had gone. He came back from many of these all-day trips with little more than a few candles or a can of Crisco. His excuses were wearing thin, and he knew it.

“A man’s got to work, honey.”

Dusty walked down the hall to get away from them, but she left her bedroom door open. She didn’t know when she had begun to eavesdrop. Between listening to their private conversations and reading Honus’ diary, she could hardly stand herself.

“Are you avoiding me?”

“No, sweetheart. I just have things to do.”

“Like what things? It’s not like you have a job! You don’t even take a rifle to go hunting. What the heck do you do all day? I’m so bored and alone!”

“You’re not alone. You have Dusty.”

“I don’t want to talk to Dusty. She’s boring.”

Dusty stifled a laugh.

“Darling, you have to trust me. There’s something that I’m working on. A surprise.”

Jodi’s voice lost all trace of unhappiness. “A surprise! Really?”

“Really. Yes. It’s gonna be ready soon, but you have to be patient with me, ok?”

“Ok baby.”

Dusty could hear their chaste kiss go smack. Her face burned.

THE BOOK OF HONUS OBERMEYER

AS SCRIBED BY THE UNNAMED MIDWIFE

Day 136

Thank you Heavenly Father for putting these men in my path. I am grateful beyond measure to have met them.

I came through Laramie two days ago and on the outskirts of town I met Will and Renny Tucker. They’re brothers and best friends and they are good and decent men.

They came out to meet me in the road with their hands outstretched. They did everything they could to show me they meant no harm. I was still afraid, but I spoke to them anyway. I told them I was a traveler and a missionary and I was on my way back to Utah. They said they had lived here all their lives and had no plan to leave it. They invited me back to their farm, so I went.

They have cattle, oh man do they have cattle! They said they rounded up all they could care for and set the rest free. I couldn’t even count how many they were. They showed me their patches for vegetables and fruit orchards but it’s too cold now for much of anything. They had a few pumpkins still out. They invited me for dinner and I stayed.

The Tucker brothers live like pioneers. They dry and can and preserve all they have. Their home looks just right with kerosene lamps and they are comfortable in the silence. The only thing they miss are the women in their lives. I wasn’t sure that they’d want to talk about it, but they did some.

Will’s wife died right away, as soon as the plague reached Laramie. Renny’s wife lived through it without showing any symptoms but then died in childbirth, and the baby with her. Renny showed me the grave. It was still pretty fresh. I thought of Jodi, and my heart was troubled.

Despite their tragedy and the way the world has changed, they treated me like family. We had a good dinner and Will played guitar and both Renny and I sang along. It was so good, Lord. Like something I lost a long time ago turning up unexpectedly.

Another blessing- the Tuckers told me where I could—

* * * * *

“What are you doing?”

Dusty’s eyes snapped up. Honus had gotten up out of bed and come into the living room without her noticing.

She didn’t answer.

“Why do you have my journal? Are you copying it? What the heck are you doing? How could you?”

His voice was rising. Dusty felt her face grow hot. She slowly closed the cover of Honus’ diary and tried to figure out what to say.

“I can’t believe that you’d… how would you like it if I read your diary? Don’t you understand that it’s private?”

“Honus, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have—“

“What can you possibly have to say for yourself? How do you explain this?”

Jodi was in the room before either of them knew it. “What are you two yelling about?” Her face changed from sleepy to suspicious. “Why are you both up in the middle of the night? What’s going on?”

Honus stared at Dusty. She knew he didn’t want Jodi to know the diary even existed. She tried to think of a quick lie, but he beat her to it.

“It’s the surprise. I got up to check on it, but I didn’t know Dusty was still awake, writing in her diary. She scared me. But come on, I want to show you both.”

The two women followed Honus out into the front yard. He had shoveled the walk and it wasn’t quite a clear night, but the only clouds were low, grey wisps.

They looked around, trying to spot the surprise. Honus smiled and said “Just wait.”

They stood outside a few more minutes. None of them were really dressed for the cold, and before long they were shivering.

“Honus, I’m going to go back inside. I’m like freezing.” Jodi’s teeth were chattering. Honus went to her and put his arms around her. With one finger pointed to the sky, he said, “Look.”

All three of them looked up. A small sliver was cut off the edge of the blazing full moon.

“I don’t get it.” Jodi sounded disappointed.

“It’s an eclipse,” Dusty said. “If we had an almanac—“

“We do. I’ve been waiting for this. I know what day it is.” Honus beamed.

Dusty smiled at him. It was a small thing, but they had talked about how odd it was to have lost track of the date. This would put them back on the calendar, for whatever that was worth.

“Is that the surprise?” Jodi sounded beyond disappointed, sulky.

“Only part.” Honus kissed the end of her nose and she wrinkled it at him. They all went back inside.

“So guess what day it is!” Honus could barely hold still. He had pulled the Farmer’s Almanac out of his pocket and folded the front cover around backwards to the eclipse page.

“I think it’s January. Late January.” Dusty tried to remember the last time she had taken a stab at the date in her journal.

“What do you think, sweetheart?”

Jodi rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. How about like February? Then it might be spring soon.”

Honus couldn’t contain his excitement. “Nope. Today is December 23rd. In two days, it’ll be Christmas.”

Jodi lit up like a child. “Oh my heck! Christmas!”

Oh my heck.

It was Dusty’s turn to be disappointed, but she masked it with her pleasure at knowing the date.

“That’s cool.”

“I think we should have a real Christmas! I’ve been preparing for it for a while. You’ll see. I’m going to go get the stuff that I found.” With that, Honus was putting on his coat and scarf and dashing out the door.

As soon as he was gone, Jodi turned to Dusty. “I bet he got us presents!”

Dusty had not thought of that. “Wow. Yeah you’re probably right. I’m going out for a bit, too. Will you be ok?”

“Totally!” Jodi was already heading for the kitchen.

“What are you doing?”

“I want to make popcorn and string it! And paper chains! And decorations!”

“Jodi, it’s still the middle of the night. You should go back to sleep. We can do all that in the morning.”

“Oh.” She deflated, but only a little.

“Go on back to bed. I’ll lock you in.”

Dusty went to her diary and closed it. Then she thought about it and decided to hide it under the couch. She put Honus’ in the pocket of her coat to put it back in the saddle bag of the snowmobile. She grabbed a rifle and locked the door behind her. She walked for a mile in the weirdly fractured moonlight, then left their trail for the woods.

Jodi thought she was too excited to sleep. She dreamt about a five year old girl who called her mama and kept losing limbs as she played. She woke just before dawn to the sound of the rifle firing.

Honus had gone completely overboard with the madness of Christmas. He lost all restraint over the idea that he could bring home anything without having to pay for it. He dragged a sled back to the house that was weighted down with gifts, then went back for another. He got home and found Jodi asleep, Dusty missing, and an empty rifle slot in the gun case. He looked around for his journal and didn’t find it. He resolved not to worry.

He set up an artificial tree with battery-powered LED lights and switched it on. The glow filled the room and he found he had a lump in his throat. He swallowed hard and began shoveling presents underneath the tree. When he came to a small box, he opened it and found an ornament marked “Baby’s First Christmas.” It was dated two years ago, since no new ones had been made. New ornaments. Not new babies, he told himself. He hung it on the tree and then he did cry. He sat on the couch looking at the tree and the pile of presents, wiping his eyes. He heard the rifle go off, but he wasn’t afraid. A sense of wonderful rightness had come over him.

Jodi walked out into the room, tying her robe. “What was that?”

“I think Dusty’s got a surprise, too. Merry Christmas, honey.”

Jodi clapped her hands like a little girl at the sight of the presents under the tree.

Dusty came back an hour later. She was very cold and her cheeks were bright red. She carried a huge dead turkey.

“Where did you get that?” Honus beamed at her.

“Santa Claus gave it to me. Do either one of you know how to get the feathers off?”

They conferred. Dusty had seen in movies a method of dunking the bird in boiling water and plucking from there. Jodi refused the job as disgusting, but said she would cook it. Dusty told Honus that if he could pluck it, she would gut it. It took Honus the better part of the morning, but he finally got it clean. Jodi announced that she couldn’t roast the whole bird without an oven, but she thought she knew what to do. When it was gutted and clean, she had Dusty cut it into inelegant pieces and pack the pieces in snow. Jodi promised it would be just as good as a whole roast turkey.

Jodi spent Christmas Eve stringing popcorn, as she had promised. While she popped it, Honus approached Dusty.

“Do you still have it?”

“I put it back in the saddlebag. Honus, I’m so sorry. I just had to know. It’s no excuse, and I know it was a terrible breach of trust. I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” he said formally. “But I am still upset. I feel…”

“Violated?”

“Yeah.”

They stared at each other for a minute, then Honus went out to the snowmobile. He came back in and held his journal over the fire. He stood without moving.

“Don’t do that.”

He didn’t answer.

“It’s your story. There’s nothing in there you need to be ashamed of. It’s… just don’t. Keep it. Leave it for someone. Give it to me, or to anybody.”

“This is supposed to be my personal scripture.” His hand dropped a little, nearer to the flames. Dusty stared, but didn’t move.

“It’s just full of my failure and the sick things I saw.” He stared into the fire. “And did.”

“You didn’t do anything, Honus. You stumbled into something very weird and deadly, and you got out alive. You should be proud.”

Honus shook his head, but didn’t answer.

Dusty stood up and took it from him, gently. “You’ll never see it again. Jodi will never know. It’ll be safe. Your… personal scripture. I’ll add it to mine.”

He turned to face her and they were close enough to kiss. He looked into her eyes like he was searching for something. She reached out and patted his shoulder, looking away.

She hid his diary in her room. They did not speak of it again.

* * * * *

Predictably, Jodi begged to be allowed to open one present the night before Christmas.

“Just one? Please can I open just one?” She wheedled and Honus smiled at her like an indulgent father. Dusty rolled her eyes.

“Ok, but I get to pick which one.”

“Ok. Ok ok ok!” Jodi patted her belly excitedly. “The baby’s excited too, I can feel it!”

Honus walked to the pile of presents and took two off the top. “One for you,” he put it in Jodi’s hands. “And one for you.” He dropped it into Dusty’s lap and she stared at it. “What’s this?”

“It’s a present, doofus.” Honus gave her his lopsided grin. He went back and picked up a third. “And this one’s for me, but it’s from Santa.”

Jodi had already ripped hers open. A hideous red plaid nightgown unfolded. The collar was white lace and it was the dowdiest most old-lady garment Dusty had ever seen. Jodi burst into tears.

“Christmas pajamas! Just like my parents used to do!” She sobbed into her nightgown. Honus came and sat beside her and held her. His package contained a coy pajama set in matching red plaid.

Dusty opened her package as well and found a navy blue set of pajamas. She was shocked by how tasteful and simple they were. She eyed the two of them, caught up in a moment of comfort. She had not celebrated Christmas as a child, and this moment was not the same for her. But she saw that she was being included. And that Honus had chosen well for her. She got up and went to her room to change.

She put on the pajamas and looked in the mirror. They were softer, nicer than anything she had worn in months. Even with her hair cut brutally short, she looked and felt suddenly very feminine. This came with a thrill of danger and a sudden driving need to display herself to Honus. She walked back out to see them.

“They’re lovely. Thank you.” She waited until he looked her over.

“Mine’s better!” Jodi got laboriously off the couch and soon she was modeling her nightgown, too. It hid any trace of her figure and covered her from neck to ankles. She was however, radiantly pregnant. Dusty and Honus both smiled at her. He got into his and the three of them sat and drank cocoa and stared at the tree. When it started to snow, the Obermeyers began to sing.

Dusty joined in on the songs she knew, but most of them she didn’t. It was a good moment. She was part of it enough to enjoy it, and she felt attractive in her navy pajamas. She and Honus shared snatches of eye contact. He broke them before she did.

They went to bed late.

In the morning, Dusty woke to the sound of Jodi knocking excitedly. She obviously couldn’t wait to get started. She put on a cinnamon cake to bake and made juice from a powdered mix. Jodi lowered herself heavily to the floor and parked in front of the tree, waiting.

Dusty stumbled out slowly and set about making coffee. She was glad, every day that neither of them partook of her morning ritual. The coffee would last so much longer if only she was drinking it.

“Come on, guys!”

Honus came and sat beside her and rubbed his hands together. Dusty came and sank down beside them, smiling sleepily.

“Alright, let’s do this.”

Honus started with the smallest packages. Jodi opened a pair of fat diamond earrings and followed it up with a heavy gold bracelet. A hoard of very expensive jewelry began to collect in front of her. Honus followed it with a beautiful jewelry box and Jodi could not stop exclaiming all over it. She put it carefully aside and moved on to the next boxes. She unwrapped a pair of very expensive headphones and looked at them.

“What are these for?”

“You’ll see.”

Dusty watched, sipping her coffee.

Jodi’s next packages were a series of DVD sets of some of her favorite television shows. Her face crumpled a little. “This is just mean.”

“Come on, honey. Would I do that to you?” He pushed a large box toward her and she opened it with some reluctance.

Dusty craned her neck to see inside the box. It contained a solar backpack and a huge case of rechargeable batteries. Jodi looked confused and not at all mollified. Honus followed it with a small battery-operated DVD player.

“See? You have TV to watch. And all your favorite shows! And now you won’t be bored for a long time, and we can always track down more movies.”

Jodi threw her arms around him, then shrank as if she were in pain.

“Contraction.” Dusty set down her coffee.

“No, no it’s ok. I’ve had a couple. They’re not getting like any faster.” Honus helped her up off the floor and she headed to the kitchen to check on breakfast.

When she was out of the room, Honus pushed a heavy cardboard box in front of Dusty.

“I got something for you, too.”

“TV for Jodi is the best gift for me.” She smiled.

“No, really.” He nudged the box again.

Dusty pulled the flaps of the box open and Honus took Jodi’s batteries outside into the sun to charge.

The box was full of books. Some of them she had read before, but most she had not. They all bore stickers from an unfamiliar library in a town she did not know. They were all generally in the vein of books she liked and she was surprised to see he had been paying attention. She was touched, and terribly guilty.

Honus came back in. “Do you get it?”

“Yeah, they’re all books that I’ll like. This is very thoughtful, thank you so much.”

He smiled again and shook his head. “No, you don’t get it yet. I’ll give you a minute.” He walked into the kitchen.

Dusty looked back into the box and scanned over the covers. She tried to find a pattern or see the books in a new way. She reached in and shifted them around. Then she got it.

All the authors were women.

Dusty sat down on the floor with her head on the box and cried.

* * * * *

Jodi had been right about the turkey. She took the hacked-up pieces that Dusty had butchered for her and browned them beautifully in her cast iron skillet. She served the bird with a pot of mashed potatoes she had made from a box of flakes, canned yams, fresh bread, and apple pie. She had even made pan gravy. She lit candles on the table and called them to dinner with shining eyes.

Honus gave a long and heartfelt prayer. For unto us a child is born. Dusty kept her eyes open and saw Jodi have another contraction.

Christmas dinner was delicious.

* * * * *

As soon as her batteries were charged, Jodi loaded the DVD player and set up a new batch to charge and arranged herself on the couch with pillows and blankets and pulled on her headphones.

Dusty and Honus washed the dishes together.

“That was an incredibly thoughtful gift. I’m blown away. I don’t know how to thank you.”

“I was just in the library and thinking how long it might be before there are new books published. And if any of them will be by women, ever again. And I knew it would matter to you.”

“It did. It does.”

They washed and dried. Their hands touched, soapy and wet.

“I’m sorry again. About reading your diary. I really am. I just couldn’t help myself.”

“I kind of thought of joking about it. Like I brought you some new books so you’ll stop reading the ones you shouldn’t.” He laughed a little.

“I’m sorry about your companion. That must have been terrifying.”

“It was. I have nightmares sometimes. About that… Well, you know.”

“I know. I have nightmares, too.”

The dishes were done. The smell of turkey and pie still hung in the warm room.

“I didn’t mean it about reading yours. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” She was still hiding it.

“I do wonder sometimes what I might find, though.” Honus hung up the dish towel he had been using and walked out of the room.

Find me. You might find me.