The Borrowed Souls, A Novel

Epilogue

No sight—no sound—no smell. The darkness that enveloped me was total. I was weightless and free. Then, I noticed something in the distance… glowing faintly. The glimmer was small, but it began to build in size, practically imperceptible to the naked eye. Moment by moment, the light intensified and became more pronounced. If it hadn’t been for that strange brilliance, I would have been sure that I no longer existed.

The silence became overpowering when I realized that I could no longer hear my own heartbeat. The pulsing whump-whump in my inner ear was alarmingly silent. The unexpected tranquility was surprisingly disturbing.

This is what it’s like to be dead? I wondered. My mind was still present, but nearly every other one of my senses appeared to be absent. I’d try to reach out and feel something, but there was nothing near me to touch. Then again, if I could pick something up, how could I bring it to my mouth to taste? To my nose to smell? I couldn’t feel my hands.

As I continued to focus on the growing light, I waited. I waited for what I’d hoped was some kind of resolution to my life. I’d existed for thirty-five years among the living, and even more time in the afterlife. Now, here I was, at the precipice of something… I don’t know, something completely unknown, but entirely anticipated nonetheless. I had hope for only one thing—one particular soul to meet me in the end, and I feared that it would not come. I feared a tremendous disappointment in my uncharted future.

With the radiance ever expanding, I tried to look away. I tried to look down or around, but my vision was fixed. I could only focus on the growing light before me. I had no idea of the completeness of my existence. Did I have a body? Arms, legs? Anything? All I could do was stare forward, unaware of anything else.

Then, finally with the light source large enough to cast shadows, I saw a shape at the center of the expanding intensity. It began as a vertical line emanating from the bottom of the bloom. Slowly, it began to grow as the light itself did. Within moments, the sliver of darkness developed into a somewhat more pronounced shape.

The line began to spread at the base, and thicken as it rose up from the bottom edge. Near the top of its existence, it narrowed again, sharply. The outside edge became more apparent and I could begin to make out the hazy outline of what I’d guess was a person. Still, whatever was causing the shadow was a great deal away.

I tried to move again, but no matter my will of efforts, I remained fixed in my position. I couldn’t maneuver an inch. All I could do was wait… for what I’d hoped was worth surrendering everything.

A sudden realization hit me—a new sense. I had the sense of regret. Was that an actual sense? Maybe it was an extended form of feeling, but just not in the sense of touch. I could feel the wants and desires of life, but in a completely different aspect. Here I was—not alive in the aspect that I’d experienced for my entire existence in the world, but I still felt emotion. I wanted to… no, needed to see who was approaching slowly, coming in from the light.

Then, for the first time since entering the darkness, I felt movement. I wasn’t sure if it was my mind playing tricks on me, or if I was actually moving forward. I felt the undeniable momentum of advancement toward the light. Toward the entity ahead of me.

Was it God or was it something entirely different?

With my forward migration clearly advancing, coupled with the expanding light source, it didn’t take long to reach equilibrium. I was now surrounded equally by light and dark—though the darkness shrank more quickly by the moment.

Could a new sense be returning to me? The sense of time passing? I shrugged, or at least, I thought I did. In my mind, I visualized my shoulders rise marginally.

Was all this in my mind? I wondered. If I closed my eyes, would I still see the light continue to expand? Would the darkness continue to flee from existence? I tried to shut my eyes, but I was unable to. I had no control of my vision. I continued to stare straight ahead at the approaching shadow.

Was it male or female? Adult or child? I couldn’t tell yet.

“Hello?” I said. Or at least, I thought I did. I couldn’t feel my tongue or my mouth. I could only feel a ghost of my own existence. I was there, but I wasn’t. It was the strangest sensation.

Finally, with the surrounding darkness almost completely eliminated, the person that was approaching me become clearer. I could see movement in their body. I began to see arms and legs sway in motion as they moved ever closer to me. Whoever it was, they were close enough that I should have been able to make out some kind of recognizable detail about their being. But, all I could see was a hazy outline.

He or she was nearly upon me now, and I could barely control my anticipation. Would I recognize the person or would they be foreign to me? Not ever being a spiritual man, I wondered if God were to approach me like this, would I know who it was? I shrugged my nonexistent shoulders once again.

At last, the shadowy figure stopped right in front of me, and I could just make out long, flowing hair in the outline. Or was that my own craving desires taking over?

“Is it you?” I asked.

“It is me,” came the familiar voice.

It was Cyndi, and she suddenly appeared in my vision completely. She wore a pale white sun dress with a crimson ribbon around her waist. She was barefoot and wore no makeup. Her hair was shoulder length and held no style in the modern sense. She looked completely natural and radiant.

I tried to reach for her, but I had no arms to do so. I tried to smell her near me, but there was no scent in the air. All I could do was see her standing in front of me.

“Is this real?” I asked.

“It is if you wish it,” Cyndi said, her eyes focused on my own.

“I don’t know. I seem to be missing several of my senses. I only wish to touch you once again.”

Cyndi reached out and caressed my cheek. Then, I felt her touch my neck, my arm, my chest. As the seconds passed, I could feel her touch over my entire existence, all at the same time. The warmth of her contact with my skin felt real.

“Will this do?” she asked, lovingly.

“It’s a start,” I said, as I was completely enveloped by her embrace.

I felt wanted. I felt loved. I felt at home.