The Cat Sitter's Whiskers

5

I’ve always loved animals, but pet sitting just sort of fell in my lap. A friend had the cutest tomcat, Rudy, a tiger-striped fellow she’d found under an RV parked behind her apartment building, and she asked if I might be able to stay with him while she went on a business trip to San Francisco. It took my brother Michael about two days to talk me into it. The thought of leaving the house made me sick to my stomach, but I knew he wouldn’t give up, so I packed an overnight bag with the bare essentials—toothbrush, sunglasses, Prozac—and stayed with Rudy in a condo on the bay for five days.

I spent most of my time lying in a chaise lounge on the balcony, gazing out at the water and wondering what in the world I was going to do with the rest of my life, while Rudy stood squarely on my chest and gazed into my eyes, purring like a squeeze-box stuck on the same low, growly note. To this day, I’m completely convinced it was Rudy who planted the idea in my head of starting a pet sitting business. The thought of returning to law enforcement was about as attractive as a root canal, and I remember thinking at the time how much quieter and simpler life would be as a cat sitter.

It hasn’t really turned out that way.

As I rolled my bike down the Kellers’ driveway, I couldn’t stop shaking my head. I like to think I’m not a dainty, delicate flower susceptible to the occasional bout of swooning or case of vapors because of my dainty, delicate composition. I may not exactly look like an Amazonian warrior, but I’m no lightweight. I mean, I’m an ex–sheriff’s deputy, for God’s sake.

I don’t faint.

In fact, I couldn’t think of a single solitary time I’d even come close to fainting … well, except maybe once at church when I was about thirteen years old, but that doesn’t really count. I was in the throes of puberty, plus I’d eaten so many gingerbread cookies I think my body had gone into sugar shock. Still, when I turned south on Island Circle Road and made my way along the sandy edge of the neighbors’ yards, I wondered if maybe something like that hadn’t happened again.

Morgan and Beane had followed me through the whole house looking for any indication that there might have been a robbery, and they’d been right. There was nothing missing. And just like Morgan had said, Mrs. Keller’s jewelry box was sitting on top of her dresser, practically spilling over with what looked to me like some very expensive jewelry, including one ring with a ruby the size of a dimestore gumball. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure it was probably worth more than my entire earthly possessions put together.

The final straw, however, had been good ol’ Dick Cheney, hanging there on the wall and looking down at me with that smug, teasing scowl, as if to say, What are you lookin’ at? I’ve been here all morning. The problem wasn’t so much that Mrs. Keller’s prize Tibetan mask hadn’t been stolen—in fact I was relieved it was still there; I’m sure Mrs. Keller would have been absolutely heartbroken if it was gone—but the fact that it was hanging exactly where it was supposed to be was just downright … well, I don’t know … bizarre.

Even if my attacker had had no intention of stealing it, why would he have carefully hung it back on the wall before he made his getaway? And what exactly was he getting away from?

At the end of the Kellers’ block, there was an empty lot with a few scrub oaks and a couple of squat palm trees. I parked my bike in the patchy grass by the road, dropped my backpack, and sat down Indian-style next to the stop sign. There were a few cars going by on Canal Road, so I knew there’d be some raised eyebrows—I must have looked like a half-drunk party girl who didn’t quite make it home the night before—but I didn’t care.

I leaned my head against the post and sighed. I tried to remember what it had felt like, that time I’d fainted at church. My grandparents had taken us all to the annual Christmas party, and I was hovering around the buffet table, happy as a conch in my new pink taffeta dress, munching down on what for all I knew was my hundredth gingerbread cookie.

I had just taken a giant swig of Coca-Cola when all of a sudden there was a strange, tingling sensation in the tips of my fingers. It started slowly, traveling over my hands, but then it picked up speed as it moved up my arms and shoulders and across my chest. Meanwhile, the room had started to spin, and I could feel a bead of sweat rolling down the side of my neck.

I remember thinking if I could just find a chair, everything would be okay, but there was nothing nearby. My only choice was to plop down right there on the floor, but I was at the ridiculous age when the idea of making a scene seemed like the most appalling thing in the world, so instead I managed to make it over to the far end of the buffet table where there were a couple of bushy plastic trees in chocolate-brown pots shaped like giant elephant’s feet. As discreetly as possible, I lowered myself down to the floor behind them, and the last thing I remember was watching the party through the dusty plastic leaves as I tried to keep my breathing as steady as possible.

When I finally woke up, I was all alone and curled up in a ball. Apparently I’d crawled behind the red paper cloth that was spread across the buffet table and slept through the entire party, not to mention the Christmas concert after, and the whole congregation was out scouring the neighborhood for me, including the preacher.

My poor grandmother had been so upset she’d worried dime-sized holes in both pockets of her sweater, and after that she monitored my sugar intake as if it were her life’s mission and I was her own personal science project. Whenever she made one of her famous key lime pies, I was only allowed the tiniest little hint of a sliver, much to my brother’s delight, I might add, since of course that just meant more for him. As a result, to this day I can easily eat a whole pie in one sitting if left to my own devices.

I didn’t remember feeling any tingling in my fingers at the Kellers’, and I certainly hadn’t noticed anything spinning or getting blurry. I was totally fine. But I could still feel the adrenaline that shot through my body when I turned and saw that wild-eyed mask looming in front of me, its jagged teeth and flaring nostrils, its arm raised in the air, that little stone statuette poised and ready to come barreling straight down on top of my skull.

And that was another thing. If it was a dream, wouldn’t the details have been a little more … normal? I could understand if I’d imagined my mystery attacker coming at me with a baseball bat or a tire iron, or maybe even one of those wooden sticks you see in kung-fu movies, but a naked, bald she-Buddha with huge, bowling-ball breasts and painted toes?

Really?

The only thing that kept me from deciding I wasn’t one hundred percent cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs was the bump that was still throbbing away on top of my head. I reached up and gently touched it with the tips of my fingers. Of course, all it meant was that I’d actually been hit, it didn’t exactly say how. Either I’d been attacked and the whole thing was real, or I had fainted and the whole thing was a dream.

Wait a minute, I thought. For all I know, I’m dreaming RIGHT NOW.

I took a deep breath. It probably goes without saying, but my imagination can get a little out of control sometimes. I decided there was no point torturing myself, and the sooner I got on with my day, the better.

I stood up and glanced back at the scene of the crime, or—I thought with a sigh—the alleged crime. Morgan’s cruiser was still idling in the Kellers’ driveway, its emergency lights silently flashing red and blue, and Morgan and Beane were sitting inside with their heads bowed, busily filling out their reports. Practically every single move a deputy makes has to be written down and submitted to the department, and then it all gets printed out and duplicated and triplicated. The standard joke is that if you’re not going through at least a tree a day you’re not doing your job right, so I figured they’d be a while. I wondered if they were writing things down like, Hysterical woman fainted, or Hallucinating cat sitter.

Before he’d let me go, Morgan had issued a couple of orders while I was locking up the Kellers’ house. One, I was to walk, not ride, my bike for the rest of the day, and two, I was to go to the doctor and get my head inspected as soon as possible. In return, he had agreed not to throw me in the back of his squad car and escort me to the hospital himself—in handcuffs if necessary.

I didn’t like the thought of that one bit, so I flipped the kickstand up on my bike and walked it all the way to Canal Road until I was completely out of sight. Then, with one more quick look back, I hopped up on the seat, leaned on the pedals, and sped off as fast as I could.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from cats, it’s that taking orders is for the birds.