The Chemist

CHAPTER 20

Kevin picked up on the first ring.

“Okay, Oleander, where do we stand?” was his greeting.

“We’re headed north in the Humvee. I’ve got Daniel, Einstein, and Lola with me. We managed to scavenge some of what we need, but not much.”

She heard him blow out a relieved breath when she said Einstein’s name, but the edge was still there in his voice when he asked, “The Humvee? The truck is blown?”

“Yes.”

He thought for a second. “So, only night driving until you can find something new.”

“Easier said than done. We’ve both got major face problems.”

“Yeah, I saw Daniel on the news. But yours can’t be that bad anymore. Throw some makeup on.”

“It’s gotten slightly worse over the course of the evening.”

“Ah.” He clicked his tongue a few times. “Danny?” he asked, and she could hear the tension he was trying to hide.

“Not a scratch.” The hands didn’t count; they’d done that to themselves.

“She made me stay in the car,” Daniel yelled loud enough for his brother to hear.

“Good job,” Kevin responded. “How many were there?”

“Six.”

He sucked a breath in. “Agents?”

“No, actually. Get this – they put a hit out with the Mob.”

“What?”

“It was mostly muscle, but they had at least one authentic professional in the group.”

“You took out all of them?”

“The dogs did most of the work. They were magnificent, by the way.”

He grunted in acknowledgment. “Why’d you bring Lola?”

“Shot in the leg. I was afraid that if someone found her, they would put her down. Speaking of, should I call Animal Control?” she asked. “I worry that when the firemen get there…”

“I’ll take care of it. I’ve got a contingency plan in place for them.”

“Good.” She would never think of herself as the most prepared again. Kevin was the king of prepared.

“What’s your plan now?”

She laughed – and there was the sound of hysteria again. “No idea, actually. I’m thinking we camp out of the Humvee for a few days. After that…” She trailed off.

“You don’t have a place?”

“Not one where I can park this beast or hide two large dogs. I’ve never felt so conspicuous in my life.”

“I’ll think of something.”

“What took you so long to call?” she asked. “I thought you were dead.”

Daniel gasped. He stared at her, shocked.

“Getting set up. These things take time. I can’t be everywhere at once – I had to plant a lot of cameras.”

“A call would have been nice.”

“I didn’t know you guys were going to blow everything.” His voice got suddenly much lower. “What did the idiot do? No, don’t answer. I don’t want him to hear. Just yes or no. Did he call someone?”

“No,” she snapped, irritated.

“Wait – the truck is blown… he didn’t leave the house, did he?”

She wanted to say, No one told him not to, but Daniel would know they were discussing him. She didn’t respond, keeping her eyes straight ahead, though she wanted to sneak a look at Daniel to see if he’d heard any of it.

Kevin sighed. “Not an ounce of common sense.”

So many things she wanted to say to that, but she couldn’t think of a discreet way to phrase any of them.

He changed the subject. “Arnie… Was it bad?”

“No. He didn’t see it coming. He wouldn’t have felt anything.”

“His real name was Ernesto,” Kevin said, but it felt like he was saying it to himself rather than to her. “He was a good partner. We had a good run. A short run, but a good one.” He cleared his throat. “Okay, now tell me everything that happened.” Then lower: “Except whatever he did to set it off. He’s probably traumatized enough.”

Alex ran through the events of the evening, keeping it clinical and glossing over the gruesome parts. When she said simply, “I questioned him,” Kevin would have a pretty clear picture of what that meant.

“So what happened to your face?”

“He was very flexible. And he had some kind of throwing blade in the lining of his sleeve.”

“Hm, that’s rough,” he said gloomily, and she knew what he was thinking. Facial scars were bad news when you wanted to keep a low profile. They were too easy to remember and recognize. Suddenly the search changed from Have you seen a short, nondescript female, unknown hair length or color, or a man fitting that same description? to Have you seen a person with this scar?

“Well,” she concluded, “it appears the people in charge pegged you for the win. I won’t pretend I’m not insulted. We’ll have to tweak the plan. The bait has to come from you, and it needs to go to the right person. Do you have any idea who that would be yet?”

Kevin was quiet for a minute. “When word gets back to my guy about what happened tonight… well, we might not need the e-mail. He’s going to have to talk to your guy about this. I’m ready – I’ll see them do it. Then we can decide if we need more.”

“Sounds good.”

“By the way,” he said in his covert voice, “I know you sanitized the story for the kid. I want the whole thing when I see you again.”

She rolled her eyes. “Right.”

“Look, Ollie, don’t let this go to your head, but… you did good. Real good. You saved Danny’s life. Thank you.”

She was so surprised, it took her a minute to respond. “I think we’re quits. Without your dogs or your Batcave, we wouldn’t have made it out. So… thank you.”

“You could have taken off as soon as you saw that first newscast. You knew they thought you were dead, but you stayed to keep a virtual stranger safe, though I’m sure you’d love nothing better than to be rid of both of us. That’s honor, right there. I owe you.”

“Mmm,” she said noncommittally. They didn’t need to discuss everything tonight.

“Let me talk to him before you hang up,” Daniel whispered.

“Daniel wants to talk.”

“Put him on.”

She handed the phone over.

“Kev-”

“Don’t beat yourself up, Danny,” she heard Kevin tell him. She wondered if Daniel had been able to hear just as clearly.

“Yeah,” Daniel responded, morose, “I’m only responsible for getting Arnie murdered tonight, not to mention the dogs. Why should I suffer?”

“Look, what’s done is done -”

“Funny, Alex said that, too.”

“Poison girl knows the score. This is a new world, kid. It’s got a higher body count. Now, I’m not saying that things like this won’t affect you. You just can’t let them cloud your vision.”

Kevin’s voice dropped into a lower register, and Alex was glad to know that Daniel probably hadn’t been able to make out the quieter part of their conversation. But she also wanted to know what Kevin didn’t want her to hear.

“I think so,” Daniel said. A pause. “Maybe not… I will. Yes. Okay. What are you going to do about the dogs? We had to leave Khan.”

“Yeah.” Kevin’s voice was back to normal volume. “I love that monster, but he’s not exactly travel-size, is he? There’s a breeder not too far away that Arnie’s worked with in the past. He’s more a competitor than a friend, but he knows the value of my dogs. Arnie made a deal with him that if we ever wanted out, we’d sell him our stock. Arnie also sort of implied that we might decide to do that suddenly, without any warning and in the middle of the night. I’ll call him and he’ll meet up with Animal Control before they do anything stupid.”

“Won’t the cops wonder -”

“I’ll coach him. He’ll say Arnie called when he heard shots or something. Don’t worry, the dogs will be okay.”

Daniel sighed, relieved.

“It does piss me off that he’s getting his hands on Khan, free of charge. He’s been trying to buy him for years.”

“I’m sorry -”

“Seriously, kid, don’t sweat it. You don’t last in this life by getting attached. I know how to start over. Now, be good and do whatever the Oleander says, okay?”

“Wait, Kev, I had an idea. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”

“You’ve got an idea?”

Alex could hear the skepticism from three feet away.

“Yes, actually. I was thinking about the McKinleys’ cabin by the lake.”

Kevin was silent for a second. “Um, now’s not really the time for a trip down memory lane, kid.”

“I’m actually two minutes older than you, kid, which I’m sure you haven’t forgotten. And I don’t want to reminisce. I was thinking that the McKinleys only ever used the cabin in the winter. And that your CIA people probably wouldn’t know that much detail about our childhood. And that I know where Mr. McKinley always kept the key.”

“Hey, that’s not bad, Danny.”

“Thanks.”

“That would be about, what? Eighteen hours from the ranch? Just two nights’ driving. And that’ll bring you closer to my position. Didn’t the McKinleys used to keep a Suburban out there?”

“We can’t steal their car, Kevin.”

In the darkness, though more than a thousand miles apart, Alex felt like she was exchanging a loaded glance with Kevin. And maybe an eye roll – on his part, at least.

“We’ll talk about finding a car later. Tell the Oleander to take better care of her face next time. We’re going to need it.”

“Yes, because I’m sure she so enjoys having people beat it bloody that it will be hard for her to quit.”

“Yeah, yeah. Call me if you have any troubles. I’ll make contact when I know more about our friends in Washington.”

Kevin disconnected. Daniel stared at the phone for a minute before putting it away. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“How are you holding up?” she asked.

“Nothing feels real.”

“Let me see your hand.”

He stretched his left arm out to her, and she took his hand with her right. His temperature was warmer than hers. She felt his wrist, and the pulse seemed even. The scratches and punctures on his palm were shallow; they’d already stopped bleeding on their own. She glanced over at him and then looked back to the road. It was too dark to be able to assess his coloring with any degree of certainty.

“What was that?” he asked as she released his hand.

“Looking for signs of shock. Do you feel nauseated?”

“No. But then, I kind of feel as if I should, if you know what I mean. Like I will when I can process everything.”

“Let me know if you start to feel dizzy, faint, or cold.”

“You feel cold. Are you sure you’re not going into shock?”

“Not entirely, I suppose. If I feel dizzy, I’ll pull over and you can drive.”

He reached over, took her gloved hand off the wheel, and held it loosely, letting their arms dangle in the space between seats. He took another deep breath. “I heard all those shots, so close together, and I thought -”

“I know. Thanks for staying in the car like I asked. It’s good to know I can trust you.”

He didn’t say anything.

“What?” she asked.

“Well, when you put it like that,” he said, sounding ashamed, “I don’t really want to admit this… but I did get out for a few minutes. I was about to go into the house, but Einstein stopped me. And then I realized that one way or another, things were decided inside, and if they had got you, my best bet to kill the bastards would be from the Humvee. I wasn’t going to let them walk away, Alex. Not a chance.”

She squeezed his hand lightly.

“Do you remember what Kevin told me before, about visualization?”

She shook her head. It sounded only vaguely familiar.

“We were at the shooting range for the first time, and I said I didn’t think I could shoot another person.” He laughed a dark little chuckle. “He told me to visualize someone I cared about in danger.”

As he spoke, it came back clearly. “Ah.”

“Well, I get it now. And he was right. The second I realized someone had killed Arnie and that he was coming for you next…” He shook his head. “I didn’t realize I was capable of feeling so… primal.”

“I told you that you would get in touch with your instincts,” she said lightly. The joking tone, recalled from that day at the range, felt all kinds of wrong the instant the words were out. Her voice was somber when she added, “I wish it hadn’t happened like this.”

He squeezed her hand this time. “It’s going to be okay.”

She made an effort to focus. “So, where exactly are we headed?”

“Tallahassee. We did a couple of Christmases there when we were kids. Some family friends kept a place there so they could get out of the snow. They must have liked their privacy, because the cabin is in the middle of nowhere. It’s not actually on the lake, but it’s swampy, and the mosquitoes will be murder this time of year.”

“You should be in real estate. You’re sure no one will be there?”

“I haven’t seen the McKinleys since my parents’ funeral, but they never went south in the summertime during all the years I knew them. It was always just their winter spot.”

“Well, we might as well head that way as any other. If that cabin won’t work, maybe we can find something else that’s empty.”

She saw a sign for State Highway 70, heading north.

“We’ll have to turn east, go through Oklahoma City, then down through Dallas. It’ll be good, if anyone’s looking, to be headed back into Texas. Makes us look innocent.”

“We only defended ourselves.”

“That won’t matter. If we got picked up for what just happened, the police would have to take us in. Even if we explained every detail and they believed every word – which is unlikely, to put it mildly – they’d still have to put us in a cell for a while. It wouldn’t take long. The people who hired the hit men would have no trouble getting to us in jail. We’d be sitting ducks.”

He felt the tremble in her fingers and rubbed his thumb soothingly across the back of her hand.

“So you’re saying a crime spree is a bad idea right now?”

She couldn’t believe he was the one trying to cheer her up. “Probably,” she agreed, “but it might come to that.” She glanced down at the gas gauge, then hissed. “This thing is burning through gas like it wants to piss me off.”

“What can we do?”

“I’m going to have to go into a gas station, pay with cash.”

“But your face.”

“There’s no help for it. I’ll just pretend I was in a car accident… which, actually, is not pretend at all, is it? Anyway, there’s nothing else I can do.”

The gas-guzzling monster forced Alex to stop much earlier than she would have liked. She followed the signs in Oklahoma City to the airport, guessing that the gas stations around it would be somewhat busy even late at night. Also, if anyone noticed them there, he might assume they were planning to fly out. Any ensuing search would be concentrated on the airport.

She’d had Daniel find her oversize hoodie while she was driving. She slipped into it now, wishing it were cooler out so that she would look more normal. There were two other vehicles – one taxi and one work truck. Both male drivers eyed the Humvee, of course. She moved in her boy-slouch as she got out and stuck the nozzle into the tank. While it was filling, she slouched her way into the store. She grabbed a box of granola bars and a six-pack of bottled water and took them to the fifty-something woman at the counter. The woman had bleached-blond hair with an inch of dark roots, nicotine-stained teeth, and a name tag that said BEVERLY. At first she didn’t pay much attention to Alex, just rang up the goods. But then Alex had to speak.

“Pump six,” she said in the lowest register that wouldn’t sound put on.

Beverly looked up, and her mascara-smeared eyes opened round.

“Aw, sweet hell, honey! What happened to your face?”

“Car accident,” Alex muttered.

“Everyone okay?”

“Yeah.” Alex looked pointedly down at the cash in her hand, waiting to count it out. From the corner of her eye, she saw the taxi drive away.

“Well, I hope you feel better soon.”

“Um, thanks. What’s the total?”

“Oh, is this right? Seems high. One-oh-three fifty-five?”

Alex handed Beverly six twenties and waited for the change. Another truck – a big, black F-250 – pulled into the pump behind the Humvee. She watched as three tall thin men got out. As two of them walked into the minimart, she revised her assessment. They were very tall teenage boys; half of a basketball team, maybe. Like her, they wore dark hoodies. At least that made her unseasonable getup look more normal.

“That sure is a big truck you got out there,” Beverly commented.

“Yeah.”

“Must be a pain to keep that thing full.”

“Yeah.” Alex held her hand out impatiently.

The boys came in, noisy and boisterous. The smell of beer and marijuana drifted in through the door with them. Outside, the work truck pulled out of the lot.

“Oh, here you go,” Beverly said, her voice suddenly impersonal. “Sixteen forty-five.”

“Thanks.”

Beverly was distracted by the newcomers. She stared over Alex’s head, her eyes narrowed. The big boys were headed for the liquor aisle. Hopefully they would be a huge pain as they tried to get fake IDs past Beverly. Anything that would make Alex fade in her memory.

Alex headed for the automatic door with her head down. She didn’t need more than one witness.

With a thud, her head knocked into the chest of the third boy. The first thing she registered was the smell; his sweatshirt reeked of whiskey. She looked up automatically when he grabbed her by the shoulders.

“Watch yourself, little playa.”

He was a thick white kid, not as tall as the others. She tried to shake him off. He held on tighter with one hand, yanking her hood back with the other.

“Hey, it’s a girl.” Then louder, toward the boys by the refrigerated cases, “Looky what I found.”

Alex’s voice was ice. She was not in the mood for this nonsense. “Get your hands off me.”

“You leave that gal alone or I’m calling the police,” Beverly called shrilly. “I’ve got the phone in my hand.”

Alex wanted to scream. This was all she needed.

“Relax, old bag, we got plenty to go around.”

The other two, one black, one Hispanic, were already in place to back their friend up. Alex slid a thin syringe from her belt. This wouldn’t help her stay under the radar, but she had to put this kid down and get out of here before Beverly called the cops.

“I’ve dialed the nine and the first one,” Beverly warned them. “You all get out now.”

Alex tried to yank herself out of the boy’s grip, but the grinning idiot had both hands locked around her upper arms now. She angled the needle.

“Is there a problem, son?”

Nooooo, Alex moaned internally.

“What?” the white kid said aggressively, dropping her and pivoting to face the newcomer. He then took a quick step back, and she had to duck out of his way.

She’d spent so much time around Daniel that she’d forgotten how tall he really was. He had an inch on even the tallest kid, and he stood with wider shoulders and much more assurance. At least he’d put a ball cap on, hiding his hair and shading his face a little. The beginnings of his beard were dark enough to slightly camouflage the contours of his face. That was good. But it was not good that he’d stuck a Glock – in a very obvious way – into the waistband of his jeans.

“No, no problem, man,” the black kid said. He grabbed the white kid’s shoulder and tugged him back a step.

“Good. Why don’t you head on out, then?”

The white kid thrust his chest forward. “When we get what we came for.”

Daniel did something different with the way he held his jaw. Alex couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but suddenly his face was the opposite of friendly. He leaned in toward the troublemaker.

“Now.”

There was no bluster in how he spoke, just absolute authority.

“C’mon,” the black kid insisted. He shoved the white kid past Daniel while tugging on the sleeve of the third boy. They walked quickly to the truck, elbowing each other and scuffling a little. Alex kept her back to Beverly, nudging Daniel so he would turn that way, too. The boys got in the truck and the driver punched the gas, swerving around the Humvee with tires squealing.

“Hey, thanks, buddy,” Beverly cooed at him. “I appreciate your help.”

“Sure thing,” he responded, holding one arm out courteously for Alex to exit first.

Alex hurried back to the Humvee. She could feel Daniel close behind her and just hoped he had the sense to keep his head down and not turn around.

“Well, I don’t know how that could have gone worse,” Alex said disgustedly when they were back on the road. “That woman will remember us for the rest of her natural life.”

“Sorry.”

“You just had to go in there like some cowboy, with a gun in your pants.”

“We do have Texas plates,” he pointed out. “And what was I supposed to do? That kid was -”

“Was about to have a violent and prolonged episode of projectile vomiting. It would have incapacitated him totally and perhaps made enough of a mess that Beverly would have forgotten all about me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh, indeed. I can take care of myself, Daniel.”

His jaw suddenly got hard again, like it had in the gas station store. “I know that, Alex, but there might actually come a time when you need help. When that happens, I’m not going to be waiting in the car again. You should probably wrap your head around that now.”

“I’ll tell you when I need backup.”

“And I’ll be there,” he snapped.

She let the quarrel drop, and for a moment there was no sound but the roar of the oversize engine burning through the new gas. Then he sighed.

“I should have known you were one step ahead,” he said.

She nodded her acceptance of the implied apology, though she had mixed feelings about his declarations.

“Where did you learn how to do that?” she asked after another short lull.

“What?”

“Intimidate people.”

“My school isn’t exactly an exclusive private prep. Anyway, most kids just want someone to take control. It makes them feel more secure.”

She laughed. “Then those boys will sleep sound tonight.”

The rest of the night was less fraught. Daniel dozed against the window, snoring lightly, until the next gas stop, about twenty miles east of Dallas. The sleepy man in the booth showed no interest in Alex’s face. When they were away from the gas station’s cameras, she pulled off on a dark shoulder and traded seats with Daniel. He claimed to be wide awake and ready. She napped as best she could until the next stop, south of Shreveport, where they switched seats again.

Dawn was coming. Alex searched the fancy GPS for a close-by national park or wildlife reserve and found they were not far from the huge expanse of the Kisatchie National Forest. She headed for the corner of the park that came closest to the I-49, then wandered through back roads until she found an area isolated and overgrown enough that she felt comfortable pulling over into the thick shade of some tightly grouped trees. She backed into a barely wide enough space between the tree trunks and then reversed until there was just room for the rear hatch to open. When she cracked her door, the humid heat outside quickly overpowered the cooler air inside the vehicle.

Einstein was thrilled to get out of the car and relieve himself. It was harder for Lola. Alex had to redress Lola’s wound when she was done. Daniel had food and water out for them before Alex was finished. Then Daniel had the easier job of relieving himself, and Alex got the more complicated version. She’d lived out of a car before, though, and while it wasn’t her favorite thing, she was prepared.

She took a look at the front of the Humvee and had to admit she was impressed. To the naked eye, there was no evidence that they’d been in even a minor fender-bender.

The breakfast options were minimal. Alex found herself with the same box of Pop-Tarts that she’d started with her first morning at the ranch. Daniel took a packet, too.

“What are we going to do about food?” he asked.

Alex wiped her arm across her forehead, drying the sweat before it could drip into her eyes. “Tonight I’ll stock up a little at each gas station. It will get us through a few days. Let me know if you have any requests.” Alex yawned, then hissed when the motion pulled at the cut on her face.

“Do you have aspirin?”

She nodded tiredly. “That might be a good idea. We both need to get some sleep. The dogs will be fine if we just leave them outside, right? I don’t want them to have to be cooped up all night and all day, too.”

Alex dug up a couple of Motrin while Daniel shoved the mess in the back of the Humvee to the sides of the bed, leaving a narrow flat space in the middle for them. Satisfied that she’d done everything she could, Alex spread out her sleeping bag and rolled down the top edge for a pillow.

It felt normal in an abnormal way to have Daniel lie down beside her, instinctive and comfortable for him to wrap one arm around her waist and bury his face in the hollow of her neck. The scratch of his short beard tickled her skin, but she didn’t mind.

She was starting to drift off when she became conscious of his movement beside her. At first she thought he was beginning to snore, but the shuddering didn’t pause. She grabbed his fingers at her waist, and found them trembling. She jerked up and twisted to face him. His eyes flew wide when she moved so suddenly, and he started to sit up. She pushed him down with one hand on his chest.

“What’s wrong?” he whispered.

She looked at his face. It was hard to tell in the shade, but he looked paler than before. She should have been watching for this. Now that they had the chance to figuratively lay their weapons down for a moment, of course the severe strain of the night before would catch up to them. Probably not authentic shock; more likely just a traditional panic attack.

“Nothing. Except maybe with you.” She touched his forehead; it felt clammy. “Do you feel sick?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“You were shaking.”

He shook his head and took a deep breath. “Sorry, I was just thinking about… how close it was.”

“Don’t. It’s over. You’re safe.”

“I know, I know.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you.”

He laughed once, and she could hear the same sound of hysteria that had been in her own laugh last night. “I know,” he repeated. “I’ll be fine. But what about you? Are you safe?” He pulled her down onto his chest, cradling the damaged side of her face carefully in his long fingers, and whispered into her hair, “I could have lost you, just like that. Everything that means anything to me is gone – I’ve lost my home, my job, my life… I’ve lost myself. I’m hanging on by my fingernails, Alex, and it’s you I’m hanging on to. If something happens to you… I don’t know what that means for me. I don’t know how I keep going. I’m dealing with the rest, Alex, but I can’t lose you, too, I can’t.”

Another shudder ran through his body.

“It’s okay,” she murmured uncertainly, reaching up to rest her fingers against his lips. “I’m here.”

Was that the right thing to say? She didn’t have any experience comforting someone. Even when her mother had been in the last stages of the illness that had killed her, Judy didn’t want sympathy and she didn’t want lies. If Juliana were to say something like You look great today, Mom, Judy’s response was always along the lines of Don’t bother with that nonsense, I have a mirror. It never seemed to occur to Judy that Juliana might need comfort; after all, Juliana wasn’t the one who was dying.

She’d learned early not to seek sympathy for herself; she’d never really known how to show it to someone else. She would be more comfortable with the clinical, explaining that what he was feeling now was just a natural response to the specter of a violent death, but she’d said things like that to him before and she knew they didn’t help. So she found herself mimicking things she’d seen on television, speaking softly, stroking the side of his face.

“We’re okay… it’s over.”

She wondered if she should put the sleeping bag over him, just in case, though it was already sweltering and he didn’t feel cold. Still, she’d already come to the conclusion that he ran at a warmer temperature than she did. Both physically and metaphorically.

His breathing still sounded rough. She pulled her head free and then propped herself up so she could examine his face.

He was no longer just pale. His soft eyes were haunted, tormented, his jaw tight against the panic he was trying to control. A raised line pulsed in his forehead. He stared at her like he was pleading for a release from pain.

His expression ignited a nightmare of a memory, the memory of his interrogation, and she impulsively threw her arms around his neck, pulling his head up off the floor of the Humvee and hugging it tight to her chest to hide that face. She felt her own convulsive shiver, and the clinical side of her brain let her know that she was every bit as traumatized as he was. Her nonclinical side didn’t care what the reason was. A wave of panic was washing through her and she felt as if she couldn’t hold him close enough to reassure herself that he was actually alive and safe and here. As if she might suddenly blink and be back inside her black tent with Daniel screaming in agony. Or, worse, she would open her eyes to the dark upstairs hallway only to find Daniel’s bleeding body at her feet instead of the hit man’s. Her pulse spiked and she couldn’t breathe.

Daniel rolled their bodies so he was at her side, and his hands peeled hers free from his head. For a second she thought he was about to take the comforter’s role at which she had failed so spectacularly, but then their eyes met and she was looking into a mirror of all the turmoil and fear in her own head. Fear of loss, fear of having because that made the loss possible. Rather than comfort, the depth of his fear multiplied hers. She could lose him, and she didn’t know how to live with that.