The Cleaner

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Sunday. Not in the morning, or even in the afternoon, but late in the evening. I have slept for over a day. My internal clock tells me nothing. I am somewhere between hell and the torment of life. I pass in and out of consciousness, hardly aware of the fact that I am even alive. I look at my alarm clock. It’s nine forty.

When I toss aside the blankets I’m relieved to see little in the way of blood. A white dressing around my crotch has been methodically applied. It is mostly dry. I try to focus on what happened after I managed to get home yesterday morning, but come up with nothing except a headache.

I have nothing to get up for. My fish need feeding. But my fish can wait. I don’t know how long they can survive without food, but we all might be finding out. The bucket, which looks relatively clean considering I’ve filled it with water and antiseptic, I now piss into. My urine stings and comes in short spurts. When I finish, my room smells worse than normal.

I close my eyes. I can see a woman standing over me with a mask over her face and a scalpel in her hand. She shimmers, the mask disappears, the scalpel becomes a pair of pliers, my bedroom ceiling becomes a purple sky with dying stars, and the stranger becomes Melissa. Melissa did this to me. Melissa ripped away my testicle.

And it was Melissa who came to help me. Had to have been.

“Goddamn her,” I say, opening my eyes. I pull the covers over my body and lean back into the pillow. I need rest, but I’m not tired. I need to think about something other than Melissa, if only for a few minutes. I reach out to my bedside table and grab the folder.

A loner. Caucasian, as crimes like these seldom cross racial lines and all the women are white. Early thirties. Killings are all at night, suggesting he has a job, but it will be something menial. He feels the job is beneath him, that he is far too good for what he is doing. He lives with a woman who is domineering, perhaps a mother or an aunt.

I remember Melissa asking me about the domineering mother figure. She believes the same bullshit as whoever wrote this.

He does not have the ability to stand up to this woman and, through transference, he gets back at her by killing different women. It is not the sex he wants, but the domineering power. He uses sex as a weapon. It is highly probable he has a previous police record. Peeping and peering-voyeurism-would be a good guess. Burglary just as likely.

The report goes on to say that I don’t have a multiple personality, and that I’m not insane, which means they got at least something right.

If there are constant compulsions for him to rape and kill, then these are not consistent with the times he has committed the acts. Mostly there have been gaps of a month between the deaths. This could be because he has been picked up on other, unrelated charges. Other times there is a gap of only a week. The fact that his victims cooperate suggests he threatens them with a weapon, and since none of the victims has been killed while her husband or partner was home, it is reasonable to assume he is unwilling to risk an encounter with another male.

He shows a lack of organization, using items from the scene to bind the woman rather than bringing items of his own. His sexual nature is becoming more perverse as he continues his attacks. He plans his attacks perhaps weeks before committing them. The covering of victims’ faces and the turning down of photographs show he likes to depersonalize them. He covers their faces before he kills them to fantasize that he is killing somebody else, the dominant woman in his life, rather than covering them afterward out of any feelings of guilt. He keeps items as trophies, underwear and jewelry from the scenes, perhaps to relive the moments. He has sociopathic tendencies, he has no conscience, and he does not see his victims as real people.

Grave sites should be kept under surveillance as he may show up, not out of remorse, but to relive the crime. He may call the police to offer help, to offer a witness statement, all to learn where the investigation is at. He may try to hang around police bars, may try talking about the case with them to learn what he can. .

The report goes on. It mentions that rape is a violent crime where sex is the weapon. Mentions that sex is used for power and control, that it’s used to dominate. Are they right about why I covered their faces? Was I depersonalizing them, or pretending they were somebody else? I’m not sure. They’re right about the graves, though. I did consider going there, but luckily I found out that they were under surveillance before I ever tried.

When I was in my late teens, I used to lie in bed at night and think about my neighbors. I used to wonder what they were doing at that exact moment. Were they thinking of me? I used to imagine moving from house to house under the darkness of night, taking what I wanted from them, doing what I wanted to anybody. Back then the fantasy was in getting away with it-not the killing, but the succeeding. Back then I always believed that I could commit the perfect crime. These days the fantasy has become reality. And that’s what the profile is missing.

I turn off the light and close my eyes. I’m tired, but the soreness keeps me awake. I get up to four before deciding that counting sheep is one stupid idea.

I don’t know how it happens, but the next thing I know I’m waking up in the morning, my alarm clock helping me to escape from another nightmare. I dreamed of Melissa and her pliers. Each time I screamed for her to stop, but nothing would stop her.

I call work. No, I’m not sick, but my mother is. Yes, it’s sad. Yes, I’ll give her their best. Yes, I’ll let them know how she is. Yes, I’ll take as long as needed to make sure she is going to be okay. Yes, yes, fucking yes. It hurts to talk, and I feel like my nuts have been run over by a train. I use my bucket to urinate.

I’m tempted to get up for a glass of water, but the temptation loses out to my reluctance to produce more pain than I can handle. Instead I remain thirsty until I finally fall back to sleep. When I awake I’m covered in sweat. My sheets are wet, my face sticky. I’m so thirsty I ball up the sheets and try sucking the sweat out of them. When I can’t find enough moisture, I glance at my bucket of urine, but it isn’t something I can resort to.

I stagger to my feet and hobble away from the bed to grace the sink with my presence. I throw up into it before filling a glass of water and knocking it back. Fill it back up. Wash out the sink. Then I throw up again. The kitchen counter is tidy. I can’t remember doing it. In fact the entire apartment looks like I’ve cleaned it. Just what in the hell have I been doing while I’ve been passed out?

In the process of half shuffling and half dragging my feet toward the sofa, I trip and pain explodes through my groin as I hit the floor. The world disappears, and when I come to, I’m in bed. A glass of water with flecks of ice in it rests on my bedside table, alongside a bottle of pills without a label. Several hours have passed. Maybe even an entire day.

I take out one of the pills. It has to be some sort of antibiotic. I swallow it down with some water. I close my eyes. I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

I get out of bed, lean against the sofa, and sprinkle some fish food into the bowl. I don’t hang around to watch them eat. I look around. My clothes have been washed and folded. The sheets have very little blood on them. I look down at the dressing around my wound. There seems to be less blood there than yesterday. Did Melissa change the dressing when she helped me back into bed? Or did I change the dressing when I helped myself back there? Jesus, what’s wrong with me? I pass out the moment I touch the bed.

When I wake up, I pick up the phone and dial the number.

“Joe? Is that you?”

“Yeah, Mom. Listen, I can’t come over for dinner tonight.”

It’s an effort to talk, but I do my best to sound as normal as a guy who only has one functioning testicle can.

“I have meatloaf, Joe. You love meatloaf.”

“Right.”

“I don’t mind cooking you meatloaf. You enjoy it, don’t you?”

“Sure, Mom, but-”

“Your father never enjoyed my meatloaf. Said it tasted like rubber-soled shoes.”

“Mom-”

“Because if you don’t like it, all you have to do is say.”

What in the hell is she going on about? Christ. “Listen, Mom, I can’t come around. I’m tied up with work.”

“How can you be tied up with work? You sell cars. Listen, Joe, I can make something else if you like. How about I make spaghetti Bolognese?”

At first I’m not sure what she’s getting at, that she must be talking about my cousin, but then I remember that for the last few years I’ve been telling her that I sell cars. I find I’m gripping the phone. Hard. “I can’t come around, Mom.”

“Seven o’clock then?”

“I can’t come around.”

“Supermarket has chicken on special. Do you think I should buy some?”

I’m shaking my head, gritting my teeth. My remaining ball is throbbing. “Whatever.”

“Number eight chickens are cheap.”

“Buy some, then.”

“You think I should?” she asks.

“Sure.”

“Do you want me to buy some for you?”

“No.”

“I don’t mind.”

“I’m fine, Mom.”

“Are you okay, Joe? You sound sick.”

“I’m tired. That’s all.”

“You need more sleep,” she says. “I have just the thing. You want me to come over?”

“No.”

“You don’t want me to see your house? Do you have gay things there, Joe? Do you have one of those homosexuals living with you?”

“I’m not gay, Mom.”

“So what am I supposed to do with this meatloaf? Throw it out, I suppose?”

“Freeze it.”

“I can’t freeze it,” she says, using a tone that suggests she’s wondering how I cope in life if I think freezing meat is the way to go.

“I’ll come around next Monday, Mom. I promise.”

“I guess we’ll wait and see. Bye, Joe.”

“Bye, Mom.”

I’m sweating. I’m also amazed she said good-bye first. I look down at the bucket. The smell of urine has gone. The water looks clear. I piss into it, my crotch throbbing.

Hanging up the telephone gets me remembering. When I came home from the park, I’m pretty sure I made a phone call. But to who?

Sally?

I get up and walk to the fridge. Her number is still there, but smudged across the paper are patches of blood. I came home. I was in pain. I made a phone call. I think I made a phone call.

I go back to bed. My testicle is gone and when I try to remember cutting it away, I picture first Melissa behind a doctor’s mask, and then Sally behind one. I wonder where I put it. Or they put it. Light and dark, sleep and consciousness, awareness of everything and then of nothing. I glide through this existence as best as I can, not bothering to count the hours in case they’re not passing by. Other times I am standing in front of Pickle and Jehovah-not even aware of having stood up and moved over to them-watching them swim and wondering if a goldfish had its testicle removed, would it remember? My testicle is gone and so is my sanity. The former will never come back. I’m holding out hope for the latter.

My internal alarm wakes me at seven thirty on Monday morning. An entire week has passed. Just like that. I climb from bed and find myself walking better than I have all week. At the window I stare out my shitty view, which today is even shittier than normal. It looks cold outside.

I follow my normal weekday routine. I shower and shave, though it takes slightly longer. I make some toast. I feed my fish. My apartment doesn’t smell as bad as I would have thought. The bucket I’ve been pissing into looks like I’ve only used it a few times. When I go to make lunch, I find most of the food in my apartment has gone off. Still, I feel like I’ve gone through the week from hell and come out in pretty good shape considering. The stairs are awkward and I struggle to walk down them, but I make it without any blood appearing on the front of my overalls. The temperature has dropped by half since the last time I was outside. Gray skies above and black clouds far in the distance, none of it looks like it’s moving. I have to explain to Mr. Stanley why I haven’t seen him for a week. Yeah, Mom’s been sick. On the bumpy bus, what remains of my ball sac threatens to tear open. What I need is a man tampon. Or a time machine.

Mr. Stanley lets me off the bus. I hobble across the road and prepare to start another working week.