The Common Lawyer

TWELVE

Lawyers keep secrets. Their clients' secrets. It's called the attorney-client privilege. You learn about the privilege in your first year of law school. By your third year, without ever making a conscious decision, you have accepted the argument as truth: that everything a lawyer learns about a client must remain secret. It is your legal duty.

Andy Prescott was Russell Reeves' lawyer.

He read the first name on the list: Sue Todd. Her last known address was in Houston. Andy pulled out his cell phone and called long-distance information in the Houston area code. He asked for Sue Todd's number and gave the operator her address; the operator said no Sue Todd was listed at that address. He hung up.

How do you find someone?

Hollis McCloskey's private investigation firm maintained offices in the Frost Bank Tower at Fourth and Congress in downtown. When McCloskey strode into the reception area that same afternoon, Andy felt as if he should assume the position-lean into the wall, hands above his head, feet back and spread-so McCloskey could frisk him.

The guy was intimidating.

He looked every bit the ex-FBI agent: mid-fifties, broad-shouldered, square-jawed, sharp suit, and shiny shoes. His hair was blow-dried perfection with streaks of gray on the sides. He even smelled like a cop; Brut aftershave, Andy figured. McCloskey stuck a big hand out, and they shook.

"Hollis McCloskey. What can I do for you?"

"I'm Andy Prescott. I need to find seventeen people."

"We don't find people, Andy," McCloskey said. "We ferret out corporate malfeasance."

Malfeasance? Andy vaguely recalled that word from law school.

"Mr. McCloskey, what's your standard rate?"

"Two hundred an hour."

"I'll pay you four hundred."

McCloskey sized up Andy, then said, "Let's talk in my office."

Andy followed Agent McCloskey down a corridor to an expansive corner office with a grand view of the capitol and the UT tower. Diplomas and FBI certificates covered the walls, along with photographs of McCloskey with politicians Andy recognized and even a president. Handguns sat encased in glass boxes on shelves. Mounted on the wall was a Tommy gun like FBI Special Agent Elliot Ness carried in that movie, The Untouchables.

"Sit down."

It sounded like an order; Andy obeyed.

"So you're a lawyer?"

"Yes. You were highly recommended by one of your clients."

"Who?"

"Confidential."

McCloskey folded his arms across his broad chest.

"Your client wants to locate seventeen people?"

"Women. ASAP."

"That would require overtime."

"I'll pay five hundred an hour, twenty-four/seven."

Andy felt like a politician, spending other people's money freely and without concern.

"Why do you want to find these women?"

"I don't. My client does."

"Who's your client?"

"That's also confidential."

"And why does your client want to find these women?"

"Sorry. Confidential."

"Andy, I don't like all this mystery."

Andy reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a cashier's check drawn on his trust account for $25,000 made payable to Hollis McCloskey. He pushed it across the desk. The G-man glanced at the check then back at Andy.

"Call me Hollis."

"Hollis, there's more where that came from. But this assignment must have your full attention. I need a complete dossier on each woman-personal, employment, and criminal history, financial condition, family problems… everything."

"Andy, so we're clear, I go by the book. I do not wander off the reservation, understood?"

The reservation?

Andy shrugged. "Sure, whatever. When you complete a dossier, bring it to me. Fifteen-fourteen and a half B South Congress. If I'm not there, leave it at the tattoo parlor downstairs."

"You office in SoCo?"

"Yeah."

"I'll send a courier."

"There's a nude yoga class on Thursday," Dave said. "You guys want to go?"

"You in the lotus position, naked?" Andy said. "That's not an image I want in my head."

"Listen to this girl's statement," Curtis said. He was reading personal ads again. "She says, 'I'm working on a Ph. D. in cosmology and consciousness, looking specifically at the continuum between time and timelessness from the perspective of physics and subjective experience. I'm trying to live a less abstract version of reality these days.' "

Dave stared blank-faced at Curtis.

"So does she want sex or not?"

"Guys," Andy said, "you're not going to find true love in the personals."

They both now stared at him. Dave shook his head.

"How quickly you forget those of us still stranded in the sexual desert."

Tres laughed. "The sexual desert? I like that, Dave."

"Thanks. But I've got a plan to escape that desert."

"What's that?" Andy said.

Dave pulled out his comb and swept his hair back.

"I'm gonna get a tattoo. A big one."

"Why?"

"Girls love tattoos."

"But they hurt."

"Girls?"

"Well, yeah, them too. And you hate pain."

"I'm gonna get a general anesthetic first."

"It's called alcohol. Dave, you think a tattooed real-estate broker is going to get a lot of clients?"

"Doesn't matter. I've got to find another job anyway-the market's tanked. I've got one listing-a subprime foreclosure over by the greenbelt-one-point-five-million-dollar mortgage. The borrowers just walked away."

"You sell it for a million, a six percent commission is sixty grand."

"Split with the buyer's broker."

"Thirty grand."

"Split with my office."

"Fifteen grand. That'd keep you in beer for a while."

"True, but chances of selling that place are nil. No one's even looked at it."

Ronda delivered their Coronas. Andy told her to put it on his tab. It was that night, and they were at their regular table on the front porch of Guero's. Erin Jaimes and Her Bad Habits were playing in the Oak Garden. The beer was cold, the music good, and the early October weather perfect.

And so was she.

Conversations stopped. Heads turned. Men stared. Girls frowned. A TV truck had pulled up, and Natalie Riggs, local TV personality, had stepped out. She walked up the sidewalk, stunning in a yellow sundress. The setting sun outlined her body beneath the dress. No underwear was evident. They stared at her like prison inmates.

Her teeth were movie-star white. Her figure was incredible. Her diamond engagement ring could choke a horse. She came to Tres, leaned over, and gave him a kiss. She whispered in his ear then stood tall and addressed them.

"Hello, boys."

Not Hidi, y'all. Born and raised in Odessa, Natalie Riggs had worked diligently to erase "hidi" and "y'all" and every other trace of Texas talk from her speech. "The networks don't find twang-talking Texans cute anymore," she had said. "Not after Bush."

Tres walked her back to the truck. He waved at the driver, then dug in his pocket and handed a few bills to Natalie. She kissed him again then jumped into the truck and drove off. Tres returned to the table through a gauntlet of envious eyes. He sat down.

"See-no underwear."

They drank their beers. The crowd noise picked up again and things soon returned to normal on the front porch of Guero's. Andy hoped that Dave had the good sense not to comment. He didn't.

"Tres," Dave said. "You think Natalie would cheat with me? I mean, I love you like a brother, but… damn. She is hot."

Andy was giving even odds whether Tres would smile or reach across the table and smack Dave. After a moment, he smiled.

"She is, isn't she?"

Tres Thorndike was good about having a gorgeous girlfriend who didn't wear undergarments.

A loud aah went up from the front porch. They looked out to the street; a jaywalker had narrowly dodged death by bus.

"I answered this ad," Curtis said.

"What ad?"

Curtis held out an ad. Andy took it and looked at the girl's photo. Poor thing.

"Well, Curtis, she's, uh… well, she's… cute."

"Read her interests."

"Let's see. Her interests range from DNA research to quantum physics. Okay, I see why you answered her ad."

"Read on."

"She likes Amy's and Whole Foods… she's pagan and liberal… she recycles… she… Curtis, she's forty."

"I went older, like Dave said."

"I was joking," Dave said.

"I was alone."

"So what's she like?"

"I don't know. She turned me down."

"How long has her ad been active?"

"Two years."

"That's way low, bro."

"Girls do hurt," Curtis said.

"Tell me something I don't know," Dave said.

Andy almost felt guilty for having Suzie and Bobbi while they had no one. Almost. He didn't because he knew he was just a surfer riding a monster wave, always knowing it would end but wondering when it would end. And how. He read the rest of the forty-year-old woman's ad and immediately spotted the problem.

"Curtis, she wants a man with Christian Bale's body."

"Forty years old, you'd think she'd lower her standards."

"She wants Christian Bale, she'll still be waiting when she's fifty."

Curtis shook his head and huddled with Dave over the personals. Andy drank from his beer then turned to Tres.

"How many girlfriends you figure you've had?"

"Since when?"

"Since you started having girlfriends."

Tres thought a moment. "Ten. Not counting relationships that lasted a night, you know, at frat parties."

"And you've been rich all that time?"

Tres shrugged. "Yeah."

"How many girlfriends you figure a guy like Russell Reeves would have had in his life?"

"Before or after he was a billionaire?"

"Before."

"Zero. Without the money, he's got less to offer a girl than Curtis."

"Those ten girlfriends… you ever wonder how they're doing now?"

"Sure. I hope the two that dumped me are miserable and alone. The others, I hope they're doing great."

"Seriously."

"Seriously? No, I don't think about them."

"You ever feel guilty?"

"About what?"

"Having sex with them then leaving."

"Why should I feel guilty?"

"You shouldn't, but do you?"

"No."

"Would you give them money?"

"For what?"

"To make yourself feel better about leaving them."

"I feel fine about that."

Andy drank from his beer.

"Lorenzo," Tres said, "the PI? He followed Bruce."

"Bruce who?"

"The weekend sports anchor."

"Thought you wanted him to follow Natalie?"

"I did, and he did. For a month. Then he followed Bruce… to Oilcan Harry's."

"He's gay?" Andy said.

"Apparently."

Oilcan Harry's was a popular gay bar in downtown Austin.

"Wasn't he a UT linebacker, All-American?"

"I guess being in locker rooms with naked guys all those years got to him."

"So Natalie's not cheating with him?"

"Nope."

"Then who's she cheating with?"

"No one."

"Maybe you should trust her, Tres, underwear or no underwear, if you're going to marry her."

"Maybe I will. Trust her."

"So what's the latest on your Indian surrogate?"

"Name's Prisha. Eighteen years old, never been married, no drug use, no criminal record, no diseases… she's a virgin."

"That'll be a rude awakening, birthing your baby."

"She'll probably never have sex after that. Speaking of which, you going to Qua later?"

"Might as well."

"Suzie?"

"Bobbi."

"Bobbi's nice."

"Very nice."

Tres chucked Andy on the shoulder.

"Russell Reeves' lawyer, changed things for you. Before, you were looking for love in the personals, couldn't get into Pangaea or Qua… or Suzie or Bobbi. Now look at you."

"I'm still the same guy."

Tres drained his beer.

"No, Andy, you'll never be the same guy. Once you get a taste of money, what it can do for you, how it changes the way people look at you… value you… you can never go back. You won't want to go back. You'll do whatever you have to do so you don't go back. And you'll never be the same."