The Dead Father

16

Is everyone ready for the big dance?

How can we have a dance with only two women?

The women will just have to dance twice as hard.

Edmund claims the first dance.

No, that is for the Dead Father.

Happiness of the Dead Father.

The Dead Father and Julie dancing.

Edmund and Emma dancing.

Thomas performing upon the kazoo. Alexander upon the flute. Sam upon the banjo.

The “Immigration Waltz” performed.

Light from the bonfires.

Is that horseman still following us?

Yes, still.

You dance very well.

Yes I do dance very well. You dance pretty well.

Thank you. It’s kind of hard to dance with this leg.

No really I mean it’s very smooth, considering, but to tell the truth I really think this is a terrible dance.

Why?

There’s nobody here.

I’m here.

Yes you but there’s nobody else nobody new.

Do you want somebody new?

I always want somebody new.

What’s so good about somebody new?

He’s new. The newness.

That’s a little insulting to those of us who are not new.

Tuff titty.

Why do you keep looking around?

Looking for somebody new.

Who sent out the invitations?

Who hired the band?

Who laid on the champagne?

Who hung the crepe paper?

Who lit the bonfires?

Wish they’d play something else.

What do you want to hear?

Something new.

Anything new?

Anything new.

How about “Midnight in Moscow”?

That’s not new.

I know but it’s pretty.

Can’t dance to it it’s too slow.

You’re a little picky.

I am a little picky.

What?

I am a little picky. I know that. Tell me something new.

Don’t know anything new.

I know that.

What?

Who are those people over there?

I don’t know they may be the horseman who has been following us or some of his friends. Attracted by the music probably.

No they’re not they’re new. The horseman who has been following us is not new.

They seem sort of dark and furry.

Yes now that I look closely they’re apes.

Yes I see what you mean they do appear to be apes.

One two three four five apes.

Yes they’re tapping their feet to the music.

What’s the tune.

It’s the “Crabapple Stomp.” I always liked that one.

Me too the only thing wrong with it is that it’s not new, do you think they want to dance?

What?

Do you think they want to dance, the apes?

Ask them but maybe they would hold on too tightly.

I’ll take a chance. They’re new.

Maybe they would crush you with their incredibly powerful arms.

That would be new.

Probably they smell terribly.

That would be new too I’m tired of all you sweet-smellers.

What’s that music?

That’s the “Carborundum Waltz.”

I was always fond of waltzes. I remember —

Look she’s not scared of the apes she’s asked one to dance.

He dances pretty well, for an ape.

Whose idea was having this dance in the first place?

It was the Dance Committee.

Well it breaks the monotony I suppose.

Yes I suppose it does that, in a sense.

I think some are male and some female the smaller ones are female, probably.

Yes they’re slightly more graceful than the males.

I’m going to dance with one.

Leave me here in the middle of the floor?

It will be new.

Yes it will be new but I think it’s slightly insulting to be dancing with a person and then leave that person alone in the middle of the floor and go off and dance with an ape.

You can have the dance after this one. I’ll write your name on my dance card.

I don’t particularly want to dance with someone after that someone has been dancing with an ape.

Can you talk at all?

(Silence.)

Nothing?

(Silence.)

That’s new.

(Silence.)

You apes live around here in the dense underbrush and move in and out among the trees seeking fruits and vegetables?

(Silence.)

Well you certainly are accomplished dancers except perhaps maybe you’re holding me a little tight?

(Silence.)

Thank you that’s better I suppose there’s no point in asking you your name is it all right if I call you Hector?

(Silence.)

Are any of the females your wife or girl friend I mean, I suppose you dance with each other a lot at night or at festival times special occasions Hector there’ll probably be repercussions about this the men don’t like it I can see that would you like a plate of chicken or something oh I forgot you’re not a meateater and probably it would be wrong of me to get you started but there are some little cakes and things and I think Kool-Aid or the equivalent things change their names so fast these days I’m not sure it’s still called Kool-Aid may be just grape juice with a little something added to zip it up ouch! doesn’t matter it was my fault where did you go to school excuse me that was a dumb question it’s just that when you’re dancing you usually feel like you ought to make conversation and it’s a little hard when the other person doesn’t say anything.

(Silence.)

Well I’ve certainly enjoyed this dance it was new can I introduce you to one of the other members of our party who’s a good dancer too lots of zest and a good personality you’ll be surprised some people think she’s prettier than I although that’s not the sort of thing I can comment on can I ha ha just come on over here for a moment and I’ll introduce you oh my she’s dancing already well would you like to just sort of sit this one out what a grip, lightly, lightly, that’s better you do understand quite a lot don’t you an amazing amount considering would you excuse me for a moment I have to go to the ladies’ room or I mean I must leave you for a moment Hector let go of my hand now I’ll come back and we’ll chat some more I promise Hector let go now don’t be a —

This is Emma.

Emma, Hector.

Hector, Emma.

He likes to dance that I can tell you and don’t be afraid he’s really very sweet and quite new, a new experience I can promise you that.

Thomas approaches and asks Julie to dance.

Julie says that she is willing to dance with Thomas.

I saw you dancing with that ape.

Yes I was dancing with that ape his name is Hector I mean that’s not really his name I don’t suppose I just called him that.

Did you want to go to bed with him?

Never occurred to me I just wanted to try it, is all.

Are you sure you don’t have a fantasy of going to bed with him you were dancing quite close I saw it.

Well he tends to hold on very tightly I don’t think it’s sexual so much I just think he likes to hold on to everything very tightly I mean I think that’s the way he holds on to things. Very tightly.

Well it made me feel funny to see you dancing with him and talking to him and all that and you certainly looked like you were having a high old time.

Well he’s very pleasant and sweet and believe me I had my work cut out for me just keeping the conversation going you’ve nothing to be jealous about nothing whatsoever I’m surprised at you jealous of an ape what’s that music?

It’s the “Registration Waltz.” He certainly knows his way around a banjo.

Yes I didn’t know he played banjo I knew he played guitar of course but I didn’t know he played banjo.

I didn’t even know we had a banjo but Sam has been carrying it all this way and a pocket cornet too you should see it it’s only about eight or nine inches long but he gets a lot of sound out of it they’re made in Warsaw he told me amazing how much musical talent you find around almost everybody can play something a little bit.

Yes I believe the Dead Father plays nine instruments he told me once what they were eight or nine but he can certainly make a banjo sing I think this was a good idea don’t you everybody seems to be having a good time whose idea was it?

Edmund’s. And Emma’s.

What’s that they’re playing now?

It’s the “Penetration Waltz” I believe.

And the apes coming, crashing I suppose but I don’t care, gives you a feeling of newness always good to meet new people get an idea of what others are like new perspectives as it were I wish they could talk almost made a mistake and offered Hector some chicken salad probably a bad idea to get them started.

The Dead Father looks quite happy doesn’t he almost benign one could almost forget about his wood chisels and all the rest of it seeing him sitting here keeping time with his mechanical leg and doing that what do they call it trailing I think I wonder where he learned that the old bastard knows a lot of different things you have to hand it to him product I suppose of his long years of…

Ouch! I’m sorry probably my fault do you want to get a little taste of something I’m thirsty look at that! that ape just knocked Edmund down now he’s picking him up again now he’s knocking him down again oh God we don’t want a melee you’d better break it up maybe we could organize a lady-in-the-lake or something you try to get the apes in one line and I’ll line up our people let me see twenty-three less the three playing plus five apes means roughly twelve on a side.

We’ll need a caller, Thomas said, I’ll do that, that means twelve on a side.

The lines formed. The trio begins ‘The Titanium Polka.”

Honor your partner, Thomas said, all gather round, there’s a great day comin’, let’s run it in the ground.

Emma and Hector do-si-do-ing down the lines.

This is the best dance I have ever been to! Emma exclaimed.