The Dead Room

70

Jamie lay on a gurney in the back of the wailing ambulance. With the use of her good eye, she watched the EMT with the pudgy face and curly hair clip an IV bag above her head. She tried to speak to him but her words were lost inside the oxygen mask covering her mouth.

She didn’t feel any physical pain. They had given her some sort of shot and the pain had disappeared but not the worry. No cruiser-load of dope could take that away. That and love.

The EMT moved away in a blur and disappeared. Michael took his spot. He knelt down next to her and a moment later she felt his cold hands clamp around hers. The anxiety vanished, her heart swelling with relief. And love. He could be a stubborn shit, yes, but she loved him, Christ, she did, and if she could have one wish right now it was that Michael might know what she carried inside her heart.

Michael’s face crumpled. ‘I’m so sorry, Mom.’

She wanted to take off the mask and speak to him but the EMTs had strapped her down so she couldn’t move.

‘You… ah… did right… ah… thing,’ she said, knowing Michael couldn’t hear her but still needing to say the words.

‘I wanted to run downstairs to the phone but I was afraid to leave Carter alone. I didn’t want anything to happen to him. If anything did, you’d hate me.’

‘Proud,’ she said. ‘Proud… of… ah… you.’

Michael started sobbing. ‘He was so scared, Mom. So scared. I put my hands over his ears when you started screaming. I turned his face so he wouldn’t see anything. I had my hands over his ears and he could still hear you screaming and he was starting to cry and I wanted to run – we both did – but I kept whispering to him that he had to be quiet. He had to be quiet no matter how much he was scared ’cause that was the only way we could protect you.’

He buried his face in her lap and squeezed her hand. She could feel him shaking as he cried.

‘I love you, Michael. Proud.’

She turned her head to the EMT, wanting to ask him why he was just sitting there, and then she saw Carter’s face, shiny with tears, appear above his brother’s shoulder. She wiggled her fingers, trying to wave hello.

Carter crawled on top of the gurney. The EMT, thank God, didn’t stop him. Carter kissed her forehead, then curled his small body beside hers, the stubble of his crew cut pressing up against her cheek. His head and all its scars still smelled faintly of soap.

He placed an arm gently across her chest. He kissed her cheek.

Jamie closed her eyes. She could drift off to sleep now. Michael and Carter were safe. There was no need to worry any more. Michael and Carter were safe.

‘Mommy?’

She opened her eyes and saw Carter’s face hovering above hers.

‘Michael and me are here,’ Carter said. ‘You can go to sleep and when you wake up we’ll be here.’

She smiled behind the mask. Carter smiled too.

Her babies. Her two brave boys.

‘We won’t go anywhere, Mommy,’ Carter said. ‘We won’t never ever leave you. You won’t ever be alone. Promise.’

This is the only thing that matters, Jamie thought. This is what you lived for, this feeling you had for your children. And nothing – not even God Himself – can come between it.