How happy I was to leave that beleaguered city behind me. That we escaped as we did was something of a miracle and I realized afterwards that only the power and sheer effrontery of Rollo de Centeville could have achieved it.
The people in the streets were like so many pale skeletons. They were quite different from the lively, voluble people I had known. They had emerged from the ordeal angry and bewildered and were clearly prepared for further evils to befall them. The Baron had not only hired horses but a guide, who must have been one of the hangers-on of the occupying army, to get us through the city. I did not ask questions. I thought it better not.
We took the quickest route going southwards, for it was of the utmost importance to leave Paris behind us as soon as possible.
As we passed the Luxembourg Gardens memories flooded back. I could almost see the oriflamme kite flying in the sky. I glanced at Kendal to see if he remembered and again I was struck by his pallor. His arms were like sticks whereas once they had been rounded and plump. He was intent now, sitting there, no doubt thinking of that imaginary white steed which the Baron had “given” him for Christmas. There was a light of excitement in his eyes. I thought: It’s true. We shall soon nurse him back to health.
The Baron kept glancing towards me, to make sure that I was still there. He smiled at me encouragingly. I knew he was prepared for setbacks, but I saw the same love of adventure in his face as I saw in
Kendal’s. I thought: They l are astonishingly alike. And I knew we were going to get’ through.
And we did.
When we left the city behind us, the Baron paid off the guide and we were on our own. It was wonderful to breathe the fresh country air. We came to an inn and stopped there and had some refreshment. There was not a great deal to be had but we were no longer in famished Paris.
The Baron ordered a little soup.
“Not too much at first,” he said.
“We will eat little and frequently.”
The soup tasted delicious. We had hot bread with it and I thought there could not be anything more appetizing in the whole world. I knew the others were of the same opinion.
“We’ll get along,” said the Baron.
“The sooner we reach Centeville the better.”
It was a hazardous journey for there were soldiers everywhere. They did not take much notice of us a man who was crippled, two women and a child. They were not very curious.
“Even so,” said the Baron, ‘we will avoid camps, if we can. “
We stopped again and took a little bread and cheese. The Baron was able to buy some cheese and bread, which we took with us. There was not a great deal of food to be had, but as he said, after such privation as we had suffered, we had to eat sparingly for a while, so it suited us.
The Baron had plenty of money which he scattered freely and which gave us what we needed. We stayed at an inn one night and spent another in a derelict hut close to a farm.
It was an exciting journey and with each hour the fact that we had escaped gave us courage and the necessary strength to carry on.
I was amazed that in the condition we were in, we could ride as we did.
“People do what they have to,” said the Baron.
And at length we came to the castle.
He had been right. It was untouched. I knew what a proud moment it was for him when he rode under the portcullis.
The effect was amazing.
I heard voices shouting.
“It’s the Baron. The Baron is here.”
People seemed to be running in all directions.
“The Baron is back. The Baron is safe.”
We were exhausted . even he was. We had needed all our strength to get here and now we had arrived we realized how great the strain had been.
“What has happened in my absence?” asked the Baron.
“Have the soldiers been here?”
He was told no. They had been in Rouen. They had occupied the towns, but had left most of the smaller places alone.
“We need rest and food,” said the Baron.
I had never seen such activity. Kendal’s eyes were round with wonder.
This was the castle about which the Baron had told him. His eyes were like brilliant lamps in his pale little face. The stories to which he had listened with such enchantment were becoming reality.
I found myself in a room with him. A fire burned in the grate. Food was brought to us. Soup again-hot and savoury.
“I like castles,” said Kendal.
Then we lay on the bed together and slept far into the next day. I remember opening my eyes and suddenly realizing where I was. The siege was over. I was safe in the Baron’s castle . safe in his care.
Kendal was sleeping beside me. How pathetically his bones stood out!
But there was a smile on his lips.
For a moment I made myself forget everything . Nicole’s death, the terrible moment when I had thought I had lost my son, the face of the little dead boy. I pushed it all away. I was here . safe in the castle and the Baron had brought us to safety. He would take care of us.
I just lay still and slept again; and when I awoke it was late afternoon.
A servant was standing by the bed.
She said: “Are you awake, Madame? We had orders to let you sleep until you awoke.”
“I have slept for a long time, I think.”
“You were exhausted. The other lady is still sleeping. And the little boy.”
I nodded and said: “And the Baron?”
“He was up this morning. He sent me to see if you needed anything. A meal will be served in half an hour if you would like to take it.
Kendal, hearing voices, had awakened. He sat up and I saw the slow smile spread across his face as he looked round the room.
I said: “I should like to wash if that is possible.”
“But of course, Madame. Hot water shall be brought.”
“Thank you.”
Kendal watched her, wide-eyed, as she went out.
“Are we going to stay here … always? This is the Baron’s castle. I want to see it… all of it.
“I dare say you will,” I told him.
“We’ll wash and then we’ll go down and see what happens next.”
When we were washed we still looked somewhat bedraggled, for we had only the clothes we had travelled in and naturally had been unable to bring anything with us.
I took Kendal’s hand and we went down together.
“You know the way,” he whispered in awe, looking round at the thick stone walls with their tapestries of battle scenes.
I gripped his hand tightly, feeling that we were walking into the unknown.
We came down into the great hall where the Baron was waiting . with a woman. I recognized her at once, although she had changed a great deal from that young girl whom I had painted in the Rue du Fauborg Saint-Honore.
“Kate,” said the Baron coming towards me, ‘you are rested? And you, Kendal? “
I said we were, and Kendal just gazed at the Baron, his eyes round with wonder and admiration.
“You have, of course, met the Princesse.”
I stepped forward and Marie-Claude held out her hand. I took it.
“Mademoiselle Collison,” she said, ‘it seems a long time since we knew each other. And you have been through a terrible ordeal. The Baron has been telling me of it. “
I said: “We are fortunate to have come through it alive.”
“And this is your son?” She was looking at Kendal and I could not guess what she was thinking.
“Yes, my son Kendal,” I said.
Kendal came forward and took her hand. He kissed it in the French manner.
“Charming,” she said, then she turned to me: “The siege must have been terrifying.”
“We will go into the dining-room,” said the Baron.
She hesitated.
“The boy … should he eat with William?”
“Not today,” said the Baron.
“We will see later.”
“There is another woman …” began the Princesse.
“I gather she is still sleeping. Something can be sent to her r. om when she wakes.” He spoke authoritatively, and his voice was distinctly cool when he addressed her. Knowing him now, I thought, quite well, and also knowing a little of her, I tried to picture what their life together was like. I imagined that normally they saw very little of each other.
Kendal had gone to the Baron and was smiling at him, and I noticed how the Baron’s face softened as he looked at him.
“I like your castle,” said Kendal.
“I want to see all of it.”
“You shall,” the Baron promised.
“When?”
“Some time.”
The Princesse led the way into the small dining-room where I had eaten before, so it was familiar to me. The Baron sat at one end of the table, the Princesse at the other. Kendal and I were opposite each other, and as it was a large table we seemed very far apart.
There was soup first. It seemed easier to eat and the most satisfactory food, for after almost four months of deprivation one had to adjust oneself to eating normally. There was an impulse to overeat at the sight of so much delicious food and we all knew even Kendal that we had to restrain that impulse.
The Princesse said: “You must tell me all about your terrible ordeal.
We knew that the Baron was in Paris, of course, and we thought we might never see him again. “
“It must have been a shock when I turned up,” said the Baron coldly.
The corners other mouth lifted nervously and she smiled as though he was joking. She said: “We waited every day for news. We did not know what would become of us all. These fearful Germans …”
“The French will admit defeat,” said the Baron.
“There’ll be treaties, unpleasant consequences for us, and then I suppose the French will begin rebuilding.”
“The Baron does not consider himself to be French,” said the Princesse to me.
“He dissociates himself from their defeat.”
“It was mistaken tactics from the first. Folly which resulted in the only possible outcome.”
Kendal said: “Are there dungeons?”
“Yes,” the Baron told him.
“I will show them to you.”
“Is anybody in them?” asked Kendal in a low voice.
“I don’t think so. We’ll have a look tomorrow.”
I said: “It’s very good of you, Princesse, to be so hospitable.”
“We are honoured, Mademoiselle Collison.” She stressed the Mademoiselle . “The great artist to stay under our roof!
Remember “Men can make kings but only God can make an artist.”
Mademoiselle told me that on our first meeting. Do you remember, Mademoiselle? “
There was something defiant about her, I detected. She was frightened of him. She hadn’t changed very much from the girl who had come to my bedroom on that very first night and pretended to be a maid.
“I remember very well,” I said, ‘and I repeat, it is very good of you to have me and my son here. “
She spread her hands.
“It is natural that you should come here. You have been with my husband. , . suffered with him … acted as nurse to him, I hear .. and now you have escaped with him. You must try this fish. It was caught only this afternoon and is very lightly cooked without sauces as after your ordeal you will have to eat very carefully at first, it has been explained to me.”
“Thank you. You are indeed very good. You understand that the Baron has very kindly offered us the Loge until I can get back to Paris.
“I know. It has to be made ready as it has not been used for a long time. For a few days you must stay here. I hear your studio in Paris was a great success … before the siege.”
“I had many clients.”
“It is a long time since we last met. Six years … or more. My little William must be about the same age as your boy.”
“Yes, I dare say.”
The Baron had said little. He was watching us intently.
He talked mostly to Kendal, who wanted to know if they would defend the castle if the Germans came here.
“To the last man,” the Baron told him.
“Are there battlements?”
“There are indeed.”
“Shall we pour boiling oil down on the invaders when they use their battering rams?”
“Boiling oil and tar,” said the Baron solemnly.
The Princesse smiled at me and lifted her shoulders.
“War, war …” she said.
“Talk of war. I’m tired of war.
Mademoiselle Collison, after we have finished I will come to your room and talk to you. You need clothes. You must need many things. “
“We did leave in a great hurry,” I explained, ‘and so brought nothing with us. “
“I am sure we can help.”
“Perhaps,” I suggested, ‘there is some seamstress who could make something for us. I hope soon to be working again. I do have money.
Money was not the problem in Paris. “
“I am sure we can arrange something,” she said.
There was a little chicken after the fish. The menu had been carefully chosen. It was the first real meal I had had for months and I felt revitalized. There was a faint colour in Kendal’s cheeks. I could see he was thoroughly enjoying this adventure.
The Baron took him off after the meal and the Princesse came to my room with me.
When the door of my room shut on us, she seemed to change. She dropped the pose of chat elaine and became the young girl I had known.
“Life is odd,” she said.
“Fancy seeing you again. I’ve thought of you every time I’ve looked at the miniatures, and of course I heard about your salon in Paris. You really became well known, didn’t you? It seems such a long time ago.”
“It is.”
“Kate,” she said.
“I called you Kate, didn’t I? I liked you … from the start I liked you. You had an air of independence about you.
“Take it or leave it. If you don’t like me, employ another artist.” You have a child now. Bertrand de Mortemer’s, I suppose. Yet you didn’t marry him . even though there was a child. “
“No,” I said, “I didn’t marry him.”
“And you had a child … and you were not married!”
“That’s right.”
“You were brave.”
“I didn’t want to marry. We … er … didn’t want to marry each other.”
“So you had the child. How did you manage?”
“I was befriended, and then I had the salon and people came, and in that world it didn’t seem to matter so much as it would in a more conventional one … If you understand.”
“I do. I wish I had been in a less conventional world. Your boy is beautiful. He needs a good deal of feeding up.”
“He has been four months in a siege. We were near starvation when we came out.”
“And the Baron brought you out. My noble husband! What was he doing in ” You must ask him. “
“He never tells me anything.” She hesitated, and I think she was on the verge of a confidence, but she seemed suddenly to realize that she might be somewhat indiscreet.
“I’ll bring some clothes for you to try,” she said.
“And the seamstress?”
“That’s for later. At first let me give you something. You are taller than I and so thin … That might help … your being thin. You won’t take up so much. I’ll send one of the maids in with some things.” She looked at me wistfully.
“When I used to hear about you in that Paris salon, I envied you. I missed Paris. I hate it here… this gloomy old castle. I feel like a prisoner sometimes. I get so tired. I have to rest a lot. It is since William’s birth.”
She turned away and went to the door.
I sat down. The food was having its effect and made me feel sleepy. I lay on the bed for a while but did not sleep. Now that my mind was freed from the preoccupation with food, I began to see the situation in which I found myself more clearly.
I could not go on here. It was only a temporary respite. Even if I stayed in the Loge I should be living on the Baron’s bounty and I could not endure that for long. I must get back to Paris. But how could I get back to Paris? It would be months perhaps a year before there would be a hope for me to work there.
I kept thinking of his words: “You have to consider the boy.”
Yes, I had to consider Kendal. He must be my first responsibility. No matter what personal humiliation I suffered, as long as Kendal profited that was all I must think of. After all, the Baron was his father. It was not like taking from a stranger.
The maid came in with three dresses, and some petticoats and undergarments.
“The Princesse asked if you would try these, Madame,” she said.
I thanked her and tried on the dresses. They were not a good fit, but they would suffice until I could get something made.
I had to admit to myself that it was a great relief to get out of the clothes which I had worn for so long.
As I changed into a green velvet dress, I thought: There is nothing I can do but accept what fate has thrust upon me. I need rest as well as food; my mind needs adjusting. One does not go through the ordeal of losing a great friend, one’s father, and four months of starvation with death threatening at every turn without needing some adjustment.
Until this was made I must shelve other problems.
Kendal and I remained for a week in the castle while the Loge was prepared for us. The Baron had decreed that after our ordeal we needed to rest there for a while.
His word was law in the castle and no one questioned anything he commanded. That he should arrive with two women and a child from the siege of Paris was treated as though it were a part of the natural course of events-because that was how he wished it to be accepted.
When I thought about it, I could see that a perfectly logical explanation could be put on what had happened. He had found himself in Paris; he had seen a child about to be crushed to death and had thrown himself on the child and borne the brunt of the collapse of bricks and mortar. He had discovered the child to be the son of an artist whom he had once employed and because of the disorder in the Paris streets and the inability to get medical attention, she had taken him in injured as he was and he had stayed in her house to be nursed by her. It was all perfectly logical except one thing. He could not hide his affection for Kendal; and when it was considered how he behaved towards William who was generally accepted as his son this was very strange. Moreover, William was small and dark with his mother’s Valois nose. He seemed to be a nervous child but I quickly deduced that this was due to the treatment he had received. The man he believed to be his father ignored him and his mother seemed indifferent towards him too. Poor child, he had been made to feel that his presence in this life was rather unnecessary.
So of course they were wondering about us. Then there was the fact that the Princesse constantly referred to me as Mademoiselle Collison -and indeed I had been so called when I visited the castle all those years ago, and many of them remembered me. Moreover, the resemblance between Kendal and the Baron was becoming more obvious every day.
Oh yes, understandably there were speculations.
They were strange days. I think that if I had been my previous self I should never have stayed at the castle. But I had been more weakened by that sojourn in Paris than I realized. I was still suffering from the shock of Nicole’s death, which had been temporarily muted by other momentous events, but now that I had left Paris behind me, I thought of Nicole a great deal.
Then again there was the death of my father. The days of my childhood were constantly in my mind when my father had been closer to me than any other person. I was only now realizing that I should never see him again. So I mourned the two of them. I longed to hear what was happening to Clare. So my thoughts were dominated by my father and Nicole. I mourned them both afresh. The knowledge that it was the Baron who had sent Nicole to care for me made no difference to my feelings for her. She would always be remembered in my heart as my good friend-in-need, and it was only now that I fully realized what a big gap her death following on that of my father had made in my life.
As for the Baron, I did not want to think of him. Not that I could stop myself. I had to accept the fact that my feelings towards him had changed. I remembered so much about him-his lying on that bed suffering pain and refusing to admit it; the tenderness I sometimes saw in his face, the relief when I came into the room; his love for Kendal for love it was, although strongly tinged with the pride of possession.
“This is my son!” That was what he thought every time he looked at Kendal; and the fact that he so resembled him made the boy doubly endearing to him.
Somewhere at the back of my mind was the thought that he would never let Kendal go. And what would that mean to me?
It seemed that I was in a hopeless situation, and I saw it more clearly since I had come to the castle.
The Baron wanted his son. I believed that if he were free he would attempt to make me marry him. I should, of course, refuse; but he would attempt to bring it about. He always got what he wanted and now he wanted Kendal.
Two doctors came to the castle to look at the Baron’s leg.
While they were there he insisted that all of us-Kendal, Jeanne and myself-should be examined to make sure that the months of famine had not impaired our health. We were assured that we had come through without harm but that we needed good nourishing food to make us really healthy again.
That was true, I knew; and it was a great joy to see the change in Kendal every day.
I walked often during those days a little at first and gradually increasing the distance. I used to wander down to the edge of the moat and sit there remembering the day when he had come behind me and seen what I was sketching.
Now he found me there, and we sat in silence, looking at the water.
Then he said: “We came through, Kate. There were times when I thought we should never get out of that house.”
“I thought you always believed we would.”
“It was just the occasional doubt. The boy is recovering fast… faster than any of us.”
“He’s young.”
“He’s a de Centeville.”
“Also a Collison.”
“Divine combination.”
“We can’t stay here,” I said.
“You’re going to the Loge. Have you seen it yet? I’ll take you over it.”
“Now?”
“In a little while. Let’s sit here and talk first. Kate, what are we going to do, you and I?”
“I am going to the Loge and I shall return to Paris as soon as everything is normal.”
He laughed.
“How long is Paris going to take to recover, do you think?
There is rioting in the streets now. They are setting fire to some of the buildings there, I hear. How long do you think it is going to take France to recover? “
“Perhaps I should go back to England. I might set up a studio in London.”
“I want you to stay here.”
“Here! In the castle!”
“No … somewhere not too far away. I’ll find a place. I shall be with you … most of the time.”
“You mean I should become your mistress?”
“You could call it that.”
“Isn’t that what it would be called? The answer is no.”
“Why not? I want to keep the boy. I thought of legitimizing him... making him my heir. “
“But you have an heir. You have William.”
“You know that he is not mine.”
“He is in the eyes of the law.”
“I don’t accept that sort of law.”
“Unfortunately for you, the rest of the world does.”
“You know how it is with this marriage of mine.”
“You should try to understand the Princesse. You could grow fond other if you made an effort to do so. I know her. I worked on her portrait.
It is surprising how one gets to know people whose portraits one paints. “
“I know this: I don’t want to be with her… to see her … She has foisted that bastard on me. It is the worst thing she could have done to me.”
“See it her way. You understand these sudden impulses. Why should it be accepted that a man may indulge his and it is so dreadful when a woman does?”
“Because of the results when a woman does.”
“There may well be results, which should concern the men.”
“I did concern myself.”
“I know. You sent Nicole to discover what was happening to me and when you knew I was to have a child you set up that elaborate establishment.”
“You see, I cared. I made sure that you had the clients you would need. I satisfied myself that you were in good hands. I did everything I could.”
“Except that which you should never have done in the first place.”
“Are you going to hold that against me all our lives?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Well, you will have to be with me to show me your resentment.”
“I have no help for it at the moment. I know it sounds ungrateful, but in view of everything, you must understand. I would not be here if it were not for the boy.”
“I know. Every time it is the boy.”
“And would you want me here if you did not have to have me to get Kendal?”
“That’s where you are wrong. If there were no child, I should want you just as much. Kate, be sensible. You know I want you … you only.
More than I want the boy, I want you. We could get more boys like Kendal. You did something to me. “
“I am glad there was some retaliation.”
“I feel vital when I am with you.”
“I thought you felt magnificent all the time … as the greatest man the world has ever known.”
“Well, that’s just a natural feeling. There is something special in it when I am with you. I want you and the boy. I would to God my wife would go to sleep one afternoon and never wake up. Then we would be married, Kate. I would convince you then.”
“Don’t dare say such things … in my hearing,” I cried.
“Other people have their lives, you know. We are not all on Earth to serve your needs. You used me for revenge … the pettiest revenge. You married the Princesse that your children might have that French royal blood which seemed so important to you … once. Now, you no longer feel that it is necessary. France is a republic now. A bos la noblesse. Therefore let us remove the Princesse.”
“I did not say I would remove her. I said I do not love her. I have never loved her. She irritates me and I loathe being near her. I wish she would die in her sleep. She is always complaining about her ill health. She does not seem to take much pleasure in life so perhaps she would not care greatly if she left it and ceased to be an inconvenience. At least I am truthful. I doubt whether I am the first husband with an unwanted wife who has felt the wish-even if he has not expressed it that she will pass gently out of his life. And as I married her, and she is a Catholic and royal, she would need a dispensation to annul her marriage, and I am sure she would never agree to that. It is only human nature that I should wish her gently to pass away. There. I am honest.”
I turned to him.
“You alarm me when you talk like that He took my hand and kissed it.
I went on: “You seem to get what you want… always.”
“Yes, Kate, so I do. And one of these days I’ll have you and the boy . and all the others we shall have. We were meant for each other. Your spirit. your independence . your lovely dark-red hair . I think of them all the time. I shall have no peace until we are together as once we were for three nights . remember. One day we shall be together again. Don’t tempt me too far, Kate. “
I said: “I see I must leave the castle.”
“You will be in the Loge close by.”
“You make it very difficult for me. I don’t see where I can turn. I know I ought to go away though … right away.”
“And take the boy? Submit him to … what? He needs care. He needs peace of mind. The sort of life he had to lead in Paris has its effect on a child’s mind. I won’t have him taken away from here.”
“You couldn’t stop me if I wanted to take him. You have no claim.”
“As his father …”
“Your part in his conception was minimal. The sort of chance encounter. There are many such. I can never understand why it is thought that a father should have a claim to compare with that of a mother. That child has grown in me … he has been my life from the moment I was aware of his existence. Don’t talk to me about claims.”
“Fiery Kate. Beloved Kate. Every moment you convince me that I cannot live without you.”
“What has the doctor said about your leg?” I asked.
“Nothing can be done. It needed attention at the time. I’ve lost some of the bone. I shall limp for the rest of my days.”
“And the pain?”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“Sometimes it’s there. Not as it was. Now it’s merely an irritating nagging. It is worse when I’m angry and when the weather is cold.”
“You can’t change one,” I said, ‘but you can the other. So . don’t get angry. “
“Take care of me then… as you did in that house… only differently. Let’s be lovers as we were before … only differently again. Let us be the tender passionate lovers which we could be, you know.”
“Let us go and look at the Loge,” I said.
He rose obediently and we walked round the moat.
The Loge was there nestling under the shadow of the castle . growing out from its walls, as it were.
“It was added on several hundred years after the castle was built,” he said.
“Some time in the eighteenth century, I believe. One of my ancestors built it for his mistress. Afterwards it was used by some of the servants. I don’t think it has been inhabited for some years now.”
He led me in. There was a big room with a great fireplace and a flagged stone floor. There were some pieces of furniture in the hall an oak settle, a long table and some chairs.
“You could make it cosy,” he said.
“There is a fairly large kitchen and several bedrooms. Remember it is just a port in a storm.
I turned to him.
“It’s really good of you,” I said.
“I’m afraid you think I’m rather churlish at times. I know I owe you a great deal .. “
“But nothing will ever settle the score, will it? Perhaps in twenty years’ time, when you and I are no longer young and I have shown you a lifetime of devotion and that with you and the boy, and the other children we shall have, I can be quite different from that savage you once knew when you recognize in me the only husband you could possibly love, then we shall call it quits. Do you think so?”
I turned away from him, but he was beside me.
“Do you, Kate?” he insisted.
“You speak of the impossible.”
“It might not always be impossible,” he replied.
I was to remember that. later.
I was growing more apprehensive. The more I returned to what I called normal, the more I realized the difficulties of the situation into which I had fallen. There was one great recompense and that was Kendal. In less than a week he had started to put on flesh; he had regained his normal vitality; he was a healthy, happy boy. That he loved the castle and this new life was undeniable. He was growing more and more fond of the Baron I was beginning to call him Rollo to myself now. Kendal was not in the least in awe of him and I don’t think Rollo had ever had that sort of regard before. He spent a lot of time with the boy.
It was only the third day after our return when he told Kendal that he wanted to show him something rather special in the stables; and when they had gone down there together a white pony, such as he had described on Christmas Day, was waiting.
Kendal came in to tell me about it, cheeks scarlet and eyes glowing.
“There it was, Maman … There it was … just like the Baron said . and it’s mine.”
After that he had to learn to ride. Sometimes Rollo took him out and they would ride round the greensward by the moat. Sometimes one of the grooms took him.
The next day Jeanne came to me, her eyes glowing with wonder.
“Look what the Baron has given me,” she said.
“Do you remember the Christmas presents we talked of? Well, here is the brooch .. just as he described it. He said I had been so good, looking after you all …”
She turned away, her eyes filling with tears. She was delighted with the brooch. She had never had anything approaching its value before.
Being a practical Frenchwoman she would see it as a nest-egg, but it would have a sentimental value for her as well.
Kendal was overjoyed when he saw it. He kept talking about it and when I went down to the moat I saw him on his leading rein with Rollo beside him.
He shouted to me: “Watch, Maman. Watch me. Baron, please … don’t hold the reins.”
He was allowed to trot on his own.
“He’s going to be a fine horseman,” said Rollo.
I stood there looking at my son, his eyes sparkling, his cheeks flushed with health, laughing proudly, watching us to make sure we were admiring him.
He came back to us.
“Jeanne has a brooch,” he said.
“It’s her Christmas present come true.”
Then he laughed suddenly and took my hand. He was looking for the sapphire ring which Rollo had described.
He was disappointed. I said: “Well, aren’t you going to trot again?”
But Rollo would not let it pass.
“You are looking for the ring,” he said.
“Maman is the only one who has not got her present.”
“Hers is not ready yet,” said Rollo.
“When will it be ready?” demanded Kendal.
“She ought to have it, oughtn’t she?”
“Yes,” said Rollo, ‘she ought to have it. “
“But when … ?”
Rollo looked steadily at me.
“When?” he repeated.
“We can’t all have presents,” I said.
“You are lucky to have this lovely pony, and Jeanne is lucky too.”
"You ought to be lucky, Maman. “
“I’ll tell you something,” said Rollo to Kendal.
“She will have that ring one day.”
He was looking at me steadily with that burning gaze which reminded me of that long-ago bedroom . I felt excitement rising within me.
My feelings for this man were beginning to be beyond my comprehension.
Marie-Claude was showing a great interest in me. She wondered, naturally, how I should have come to be with her husband in Paris. She could not quite accept the account of the chance meeting during the bombardment when he had saved Kendal’s life.
She had changed in some ways from that young girl who had blithely gone off with her lover at the fete champetre and conducted an intrigue with him. Then she had been reckless and impuslive. Now she had become a nervous and apprehensive woman.
She was far from displeased that I had come to the chateau and had no wish for me to leave and go to the Loge. I think, strangely enough, I offered some comfort to her.
Then there was William. Poor little William! My heart went out to him from the moment I met him. Poor child, he must have been unwanted before he actually made his appearance. I wondered what Marie-Claude’s feelings must have been when she knew that she was pregnant and she would not be able to hide the fact that the child was not his from the husband who terrified her.
I believed that she had resented being forced into marriage and that in a spirit of rebellion she had taken a lover. She was a sad shadow of the defiant girl she had been. The birth of William had nearly killed her, I discovered.
As for William, he was a small frightened child. I felt indignant both with Rollo and Marie-Claude when I considered the child. Whatever his disillusion and her defiance, they had no right to let the child suffer for it.
Ignored by his parents, he was constantly trying to assert himself. I understood why he did this, but those about him seemed to have made up their minds that he was simply an unpleasant little boy. He was, of course, greatly interested in Kendal. My son had been wrapped about with love ever since his birth. I must have conveyed to him that he was the most important part of my life; Nicole had loved him; Jeanne, though firm and never failing to correct his faults, was devoted to him. And now Rollo showed him a very special attention. He was built up in security. It had been just the opposite with William.
His parents had not wanted to be bothered with him; whenever he saw his mother she seemed preoccupied with something else and he was told that he must not stay with her too long because of the effect he had on her nerves. He told me this when I had gained his confidence. As for his father, he did not seem to be aware of him.
William confided in me that he believed there had been wicked fairies at his christening who had decreed that whenever his father was there a cloak should be thrown round William to make him invisible. Then they made him do something to worry his mother’s nerves. He did not know what nerves were; all he was aware of was that he possessed Is some mysterious power to disturb them.
“I don’t know what I do,” he said.
“If I did I wouldn’t do it. Oh, it is these wicked fairies.”
I talked about him with jeanne She was teaching Kendal and she said she would take on William with him; and as they were only too glad to be rid of William in his own nursery, the two boys took lessons with jeanne
We were pleased to discover that William was by no means dull.
“In fact,” said Jeanne, “I think with the right teaching he might turn out to be quite clever. We have to break down these barriers first, though. He is on the defensive all the time.”
At first Kendal did not like him and demanded to know if he had to be with him.
“He can’t run as fast as I can,” he said contemptuously.
“All the more reason why you should be his friend,” we told him.
“He’s rather silly really.”
“That’s what you think. He might think you are.”
That astonished Kendal and he was very thoughtful. After that I caught him observing William very closely. I knew he was wondering in what way William could possibly think he was silly.
Then when William found the answer to a sum before Kendal did, so Jeanne told me, it seemed to mark a difference in their relationship.
Kendal had had proof that William was better at some things than he was. It was a good lesson for him.
Jeanne had a way with children. She laid down rules which had to be obeyed and they seemed to like that. William was always in the schoolroom in time and Jeanne and I noticed that the two boys often went off together. Kendal was undoubtedly the leader of the games and decided what they should play, but in the classroom William would often answer first.
“I allow a little subterfuge now and then,” said Jeanne.
“It is more important for them to be friends. So I pretend not to see it, when William passes an answer to Kendal. I want Kendal to realize that he is not superior because he can ride and run better and is an inch or so taller.”
I was given the room in which I had first worked on the Baron’s miniature in order that I might paint if I wanted to. The boys used to come up there and Kendal loved to draw and paint.
I gave William some paints and let him try his hand. It was clear that he was not going to be an artist.
“See if you can draw a face,” I said, ‘and then paint it. But draw it first. “
William did something which was meant to be a portrait. I could not tell who it was meant to be.
“It’s my father,” he said. See . he’s big and strong. He’s the strongest man in the world. “
“That’s not like him,” said KendaS, and proceeded to do a sketch which undoubtedly bore more than a slight resemblance to the Baron.
William was overcome with awe. He looked at me sadly.
“I wish I could draw my father,” he said.
I let my hand rest lightly on his shoulder and replied:
“Never mind. It was a good try. Always remember that if you can’t do one thing, there are always others you can do. Mademoiselle Jeanne tells me you are quick with your sums.”
“I like sums,” he said, smiling.
“Well then …” I leaned towards him and whispered: “I think you beat Kendal at them … and he can draw a little better than you can. He’s my son and I’m an artist. His grandfather was an artist and his great… great… as many greats as you can think of… were.
It’s in the family. “
“He’s like them. I’ll be like my father when I’m grown up.”
It all came back to one thing. He idolized the father who ignored him.
I felt my anger rising against Rollo once more.
Rollo was always seeking an opportunity to be alone with me. It was time I left the castle. When I was in the Loge it must be easier, I told myself. Then it occurred to me that it might be worse. I should not go there. I should leave without delay. But where could I go to?
And what of Kendal? He must not get thin and ill-nourished again.
I remonstrated with Rollo.
“You are cruel to William’ I told him.
“Why do you have to behave as though the boy is not there?”
“It’s the easiest way to tolerate him.”
“You vent your petty spite on a child. I think that is despicable.”
“Dear Kate, I can’t pretend to like the boy. Every time I see him, I remember who he is. L’Estrange’s bastard. You couldn’t expect me to treat him as though he were my own child.”
“You could pretend.”
“I’m not good at pretence.”
“I thought you were supposed to be good at anything you put your mind to.”
“Not that. I never want to see the boy.”
“And now Kendal is here, it is worse. I saw William watching you the other day when you were with Kendal. He came running to you and you went on talking to Kendal as though William were not there. Can’t you see what you are doing to the child?”
“I don’t see him at all.”
“It’s cruel, and for some incomprehensible reason, the boy seems to idolize you.”
“It’s obviously the right way to treat him then.”
“A little notice from you would make him completely happy.”
“You are sentimental Kate. Turn your sentiments to a more worthy cause.”
“You wonder why I don’t care for you. If you would take a good look at yourself, you would see why nobody could.”
“You are illogical, Kate. A moment ago you were telling me the boy idolized me. But why, when we are together, do we waste our time talking about him?”
“I happen to be interested in him.” I shrugged my shoulders and turned away.
He was beside me, taking my hand.
“It’s hard going on like this,” he said.
“Every night . you’re in the castle … and not with me.”
“I shall be going to the Loge tomorrow.”
“And I shall be thinking of you there in just the same way.”
“I wonder if I ought to try to get to England. They’ll be worried about me. Good heavens, they will be thinking I am still in Paris.
They’ll know the news, of course. “
“I should think the whole world knows of the humiliation of Paris
“Is it possible to get a letter to England?”
“It might be. I don’t know what’s happening at the ports. The situation is rather vague. I gather that the Communists of Paris are now fighting against the new Republic. They don’t want a peaceful solution. It seems they want revolution again. There is no law and order in the city. Thank God we got away when we did, heaven knows what would have happened to us among that mad rabble. They are rioting still and destroying buildings. It seems it is just for the sake of destruction. You would think Paris had suffered enough.”
“It seems as if I shall never get back.”
“It will be a long time.”
“I am sure my stepmother will be anxious. I haven’t heard from her since the death of my father. That was just before the siege started.
She wrote a heartbreaking letter to me. Poor Clare! She is very gentle woman . unable to take care of herself very well. I should like her to know that I am safe. “
“I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Write your letter to her and I’ll send a man to the coast with it to see what the position is. I
don’t know whether the packet boats are going back and forth across the Channel. It may well be that they are. Write your letter and he will take it. If he can send it, all well and good. If not. well, we’ll try again later. “
“Thank you. That’s good of you.”
“Oh, Kate, you would find out how very good I can be if only …”
“It’s a forbidden subject.”
“Tell me one thing. If I were free …”
“You are not free. Please don’t talk in this way. You cannot be free, and there is an end to it. If I could leave for England, I could stay with my stepmother for a while until I decided what I could do.”
“Then perhaps I had better not send that letter.” He laughed at me.
“No, Kate, you take me too seriously sometimes. Of course, I’ll get that letter across if it is possible. I’m not the man to be frightened of a stepmother.”
“Thank you,” I said.
The next day Kendal’ Jeanne and I moved into the Loge.
Jeanne and I found it more comfortable living in the Loge. There was a cosiness about it which the castle lacked. We could get the place warm because it was so small, and nestling below the castle meant that it was protected from the cold winds which buffeted the great edifice above us.
It had been arranged that Jeanne and Kendal should go to the castle for lessons because William would join them there. Jeanne and I nattered each other and ourselves that there was a perceptible change in William since we had come; he had lost a little of his nervousness and the fact that he had his moments of triumph in the schoolroom gave him confidence. Kendal had taken up an almost protective attitude towards him since Jeanne and I had told him that he must not be too rough with him; and instead of resenting this attitude, William seemed to appreciate it.
As for myself, I was very restive. I did not like to be so reliant on Rollo’s hospitality. Had I been alone, I should have attempted to get to England, but because of Kendal I was very uncertain. Having seen him so wan and ill-nourished, I was afraid to subject him to anything like that again. I often wondered if the ordeal had weakened him a little although he showed no signs of it. In any case, because I was determined not to subject him to anything like that again, if I could help it, I must submerge my pride and accept this position for that reason.
I was not blind to the fact that it was an explosive situation. There were schemes in Rollo’s mind, and I had reason to know to what lengths he would be capable of going in order to carry them out. His passion for me seemed to increase and he was getting impatient. He made no attempt to disguise his pride in Kendal, and I found it disturbing to live under the same roof for one might say that, even though I was the Loge as himself and his wife.
I must get away. I told myself that a hundred times a day. But how?
That was the question.
I was eager for news of what was happening in the country. Paris was in turmoil. There was news of a National Assembly to be held at Bordeaux. There were meetings at Versailles. The country was in disorder, and we were fortunate to be in our little oasis, the like of which there could only be a few in remote country places throughout the whole of France.
So I must be careful. I must not be rash. I must swallow my pride and accept this extraordinary situation until I could see a way out of it.
If I were honest with myself I would admit that I did not want to go away. It was going to take me no less than the others some time to recover from the fearful ordeal through which I had passed in the Paris siege. There was only one thing to do . wait. And I was relieved in a way that circumstances forced me to accept this.
On my first morning at the Loge, Rollo called. Jeanne and Kendal had gone up to the castle for lessons so I was alone.
He was clearly delighted by this and, I expected, had arranged to come at this time.
“Well,” he said, ‘how do you feel about this place? “
“It is very comfortable.”
“And we are not far apart. In a way this is probably more convenient.”
“Convenient?” I asked.
“There is more … solitude.” He was looking at me earnestly.
“What are we going to do, Kate?”
“Do? We? Kendal and I will have to stay here until I can work something out.”
“I can think of a pleasant way of working it out.”
“I must get back to Paris or go to England. I think perhaps the latter would be best for, as you say, it will take a long time for Paris to get back to normal.”
“What would you do in England?”
“Paint.”
“You are not known in England.”
“My father was.”
“You are not your father. I set you up in Paris. It was my recommendations which brought those sitters.”
“I know that now, but I must try. Merit will win through in the end.”
“Meanwhile, in the tradition of artists, you will starve in your garret. Artists can only be successful if they are fashionable. People are like sheep. They are told: ” This is good” and they say: ” This is good”. If they are not told they do not know … and obscurity for them means incompetence.”
“I know that it is true, but I think that eventually hard work wins through.”
“When you’re dead, perhaps. But that is not going to keep you and the boy in luxury … not even the necessities of life. Be sensible Kate. You and I will be together. You shall have a studio. I swear I’ll never interfere with your work. I’ll have the boy legitimized.”
“How can that be?”
“It’s possible. It won’t be the first time it has been done. We’ll have a home together. We’ll choose the place. You shall choose it. We belong together. I know that to be true … more than I have ever known anything.”
“You are a man of wide experience,” I said, ‘and you make your plans and decide what is to be done not only by yourself but by everyone else. There is one thing you have not learned yet and that is that where two people are concerned there are two opinions . two wills.
You may have been able to bend people your way in the past, but it does not work like that with everyone. “
“I know, Kate. I’m learning.”
“You are becoming quite humble … for you.”
“It’s all part of what you are teaching me, and you are teaching me a great deal, Kate. I never thought I could become as obsessed by a woman as I am by you.”
“Might that be because you cannot have me?”
“Cannot is a word I don’t accept.”
“It is a word we all have t(> accept at times … even you.”
He took me in his arms suddenly and kissed me violently. I was taken off my guard and for a few seconds did not fight back. The thought flashed into my mind: We are alone in this house. I am at his mercy.
And although I tried to suppress the wild excitement which possessed me, I could not.
I was desperately afraid that he would sense my feelings. He must never know how he could take me off my guard, stir my emotions, make me feel that I wanted him to use violence against me. I dreamed sometimes that I was in that bedroom in the tower, and when I awoke it was not with a sense of fear and revulsion, but of longing to be there in fact.
At the back of my mind this change in my feelings towards him was one of the reasons why I knew I ought to get away before it overwhelmed me.
I withdrew myself with a show of indignation.
“I think,” I said slowly, ‘that I ought to go away . now . without delay. “
He took my hands and kissed them.
“No,” he said passionately.
“No, Kate, never leave me.”
I tried to work up a fury against him.
“You know the position I’m in here. I have nowhere to go. I have a child who has to be cared for. I have to stay here … against my will I have to stay. But I have no intention of setting up as your mistress like … Nicole .. “
My voice shook and I felt the tears rush to my eyes.
The mention of Nicole’s name sobered us both. He had been more deeply affected by her death than he had betrayed. I was wondering now what her advice would be if she were alive to give it.
I walked away from him and went to the window.
I said: “I want to earn something while I am here. I don’t want to live on your bounty. I should tike to paint again. I was going to ask if I might do a miniature of William.”
“William! Why would anyone want a miniature of Wiliam?”
“If he had good parents that would seem a superfluous question. Alas, poor boy, he is sadly neglected. I want to do something. I want you to ask me to paint a miniature of William.”
“All right, ” he said. “Do it.”
“I shall have to come to the castle. The light wouldn’t be good enough here.”
“Kate, you may come to the castle whenever you wish to do so.”
“Thank you, and I shall tell William that you want this portrait of him.”
“I?”
“Yes, you. That will please him so much. And perhaps when it is being done, you will come to the studio and display a little interest in what is going on.”
“I’m always interested in your work.”
“Please show a little interest in William.”
“For you … anything,” he said.
William was delighted when I told him I was to paint his portrait.
“Will it be a little one?” he asked.
“And will Kendal have one too?”
“Perhaps. Kendal has many. I used to paint him when we were in Paris.”
“Show me.”
“I can’t. When we left Paris we had to leave everything behind. Now we shall have to see if we can find the necessary paints to make your portrait.”
Rollo was helpful. He knew of an artist who lived a few miles away and he thought it was possible that he might be able to supply the paints we needed, although it was doubtful that he would have the ivory I should need for the support. I sighed to think of all we had left behind in Paris.
Rollo went to see the artist and brought back paints and vellum as there was no ivory available.
“I can use vellum,” I said.
“After all, it was used in the sixteenth century and was the foundation of many miniature masterpieces.”
The boys were with me in that room in the castle where I had first painted Rollo. They watched me stretch the vellum over a stiff white card glueing it where it overlapped and then pressing it between sheets of paper.
William was particularly excited. It was wonderful to see that look of haunted defiance leaving his face.
I thought: I will make an interesting portrait of him. I will show him and everyone else how he can look if he is happy.
I felt alive again. It was wonderful to be working. I could shut out all my problems as I did in the old days. I would sit chatting to William, and Kendal was there too. He was sketching William and, sitting there, with all attention focused on him, William seemed to grow in stature. It was the first time in his life that he had felt he was important to someone.
I would work slowly on the portrait, I decided. After all, I was not only making a picture, I was helping to adjust the mind of a little boy who had been very unfairly treated.
The boys took lessons in the afternoons as I liked to paint in the mornings, and while they were with jeanne I took the opportunity to walk or ride. I liked best to ride. When walking, it was difficult to gefout of sight of the castle. One had to go a very long way to lose it, for it seemed to dominate the landscape.
There were plenty of horses at the castle and I had the pick of several mounts, but there was a little bay mare of which I was particularly fond. She was a little frisky but responded to firm treatment, and I think she liked me to ride her.
One afternoon I went to the stables and Marie Claude was there. A horse was being saddled for her-one which, I knew, had a reputation for being quiet and docile.
“Good afternoon,” she said.
“Are you going to ride?”
I said that I was.
“Then we shall go together?”
I said that would be very pleasant and we rode out under the portcullis and down the slope, chatting as we went.
“I didn’t realize that you were a horsewoman, Mademoiselle Collison,” she said.
“I ride in England.”
“Of course there wasn’t the opportunity in Paris. How glad you must be to have escaped from all that.”
“It was a great experience to have lived through, but one never wants to have to do it again.”
“There must be lots of people in Paris who feel like that. But… how I miss Paris! The old Paris, that is. I think I shall never be happy away from it.”
“Alas, you would find it sadly changed.”
“I know. Those stupid people and their wars!”
We rode in silence for a while. She took the lead and I followed.
“I never ride far,” she called over her shoulder.
“I get so tired. I like to go to my favourite spot and look at the view.”
“Are we going there now?”
“Yes. I thought we’d tie up the horses and … talk. It’s impossible to hold a reasonable conversation on horseback.”
I agreed and we fell once more into silence.
I looked back. I could not now see the castle. She noticed me and guessed what I was thinking.
“That’s one of the reasons why it is my favourite spot. From it, it is impossible to see the castle.”
We skirted some woods. The countryside had become more hilly now. I caught a glimpse of the river running below us; it glinted silver in the sunlight.
“It’s pretty here,” she said.
“I like to sit right on the crest of the hill. There are bushes up there and some of them grow quite high … high enough to give a little shelter from the wind when it blows. I sit up there and look out. You can see for miles.”
We reached the top of the hill.
“We’ll tie our horses there. Isn’t it strange that we should have come together again.”
We tethered the horses and walked a little way.
“Sit here,” she said and we sat down in the protection of the bushes.
“I never thought I should see you again,” she went on, ‘unless it was at some gathering. That was when I
thought you were going to marry Bertrand de Mortemer. Then it would have been quite reasonable for us to meet. “
“Strange things happen in life,” I commented.
“Very strange.” She turned to look at me.
“I’ll confess to being very curious about you, Kate. I may call you Kate? I did before, didn’t I?
Will you call me Marie Claude
“If you wish.”
“I do,” she replied with a touch of the imperious manner I remembered from the past.
She went on: “I admire you very much. I wish that I had had your courage. You have a child but you did not marry its father. How wise you were! If I had not been married how much happier I should have been! But I suppose it was easier for you than it would have been for me.”
“Yes,” I said.
“I didn’t really love Armand L’Estrange. Perhaps if I had I should have defied everyone and married him. I was always terrified of Rollo in fact I could never be anything else. He is a ruthless man, Kate. Only those who have lived near him know how ruthless.”
“I think I have gathered that.”
“The marriage was arranged, as you know, and I was angry. I didn’t want to marry him. You know that. You were there before I did. You wouldn’t want to marry someone who terrified you, would you?”
“Indeed not,” I said.
“And then there was Armand. He was so charming… so different. He was gallant and made me feel that there was something very special about me. I just wanted to be loved. You know about us. You were at the fete champetre and then there were the notes you took. Do you remember the time Rollo tried to get hold of the notes which you collected for me at the modiste’s? That matter of the taxi…”
“I remember it well.”
“He must have suspected then, I was so frightened. If that had happened before … I don’t think I should have started with Armand.”
I sat staring ahead thinking of that terrifying ride across Paris in the cab.
“You see he suspected me … even then.”
I hesitated, but I could not tell her that it was for a different reason that I had been nearly abducted.
“And yet,” she went on, ‘he pretended to be surprised. I shall never forget my wedding day . I mean the horror of it. I suppose nobody ever forgets a wedding day. but other people’s would be remembered differently. I don’t know how I lived through it. And he knew, of course. I don’t think he minded so much about that. It was when the child was to be born too soon that he was mad with rage. I tried to get rid of it. It didn’t work. Who would have thought to look at William that he could have been so obstinate! Rollo had a way of finding out things, then he made me tell him . everything. He was to have a child which was not his! You can understand how furious he was. ”
Yes, I can,” I said.
“You think he had reason to be. But I didn’t want to marry him in the first place. If I had seen your example then I might have stood out against him. I might have been free… as you were. Why didn’t you marry Bertrand? You were betrothed. You were in love. And there was to be a child and yet… you didn’t marry him. That seems very strange.”
“I did what I felt was best.”
“It was brave of you. And you set up that studio in Paris and you didn’t care… And nobody seemed to mind.”
“I lived in a bohemian society, and as I told you, conventions are not considered to be of such importance there as they are in Court circles.”
“I wish I had lived in such a society. Nothing was right for me. I was married to a man I was afraid of … I was going to have a child which was not his. Sometimes I wished I could just die and leave it to other people to sort out.”
“You must never feel like that.”
“But I do… now and then. You see, the fact that I tried to get rid of William did something to me. It didn’t stop his coming but … there was some damage. I can’t have any more children. That’s another reason why Rollo hates me.”
“He can’t hate you.”
“Now you are talking as so many people talk. Why can’t he hate me, pray? Of course he hates anyone who stands in the way of what he wants. He would like to get rid of me and marry someone who could give him children … sons just like himself.”
“We all have to adjust ourselves to life. Even he has to do that.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t seem worth the effort. Imagine how it was. I was going to have the child who was going to appear too soon. I was sick and wretched … desperately frightened of childbirth and even more frightened of him. I used to come up here and sit down and think. I’d look over there. That’s where Paris is … In that direction … if only there wasn’t so much in between. I longed to be back there.
Sometimes I thought of climbing a little higher to the Peak. That’s a spot where the land stops suddenly and there is a big drop down.
Someone fell over not long ago. It was in the mist. It was a farmer who had lost his way and couldn’t find his bearings. He stepped out . into nothing. I’ll show you before we leave. It’s just up there. I used to think how easy it would be to take that step. That would end it. No one could blame me for anything then. And how pleased Rollo would be. He could wipe me out of his life and start again. “
“How unhappy you must have been!”
“More frightened than anything else. Believe me, at one time I thought it would be easier to do that than to go on.”
“Poor Marie-Claude, how you must have suffered!”
“He must have suspected then, I was so frightened. If that had happened before … I don’t think I should have started with Armand.”
I sat staring ahead thinking of that terrifying ride across Paris in the cab.
“You see he suspected me … even then.”
I hesitated, but I could not tell her that it was for a different reason that I had been nearly abducted.
“And yet,” she went on, ‘he pretended to be surprised. I shall never forget my wedding day . I mean the horror of it. I suppose nobody ever forgets a wedding day. but other people’s would be remembered differently. I don’t know how I lived through it. And he knew, of course. I don’t think he minded so much about that. It was when the child was to be born too soon that he was mad with rage. I tried to get rid of it. It didn’t work. Who would have thought to look at William that he could have been so obstinate! Rollo had a way of finding out things, then he made me tell him . everything. He was to have a child which was not his! You can understand how furious he was. ”
“Yes, I can,” I said.
“You think he had reason to be. But I didn’t want to marry him in the first place. If I had seen your example then I might have stood out against him. I might have been free… as you were. Why didn’t you marry Bertrand? You were betrothed. You were in love. And there was to be a child and yet… you didn’t marry him. That seems very strange.”
“I did what I felt was best.”
“It was brave of you. And you set up that studio in Paris and you didn’t care… And nobody seemed to mind.”
“I lived in a bohemian society, and as I told you, conventions are not considered to be of such importance there as they are in Court circles.”
“I wish I had lived in such a society. Nothing was right for me. I was married to a man I was afraid of.-.I was going to have a child which was not his. Sometimes I wished I could just die and leave it to other people to sort out.”
“You must never feel like that.”
“But I do… now and then. You see, the fact that I tried to get rid of William did something to me. It didn’t stop his coming but … there was some damage. I can’t have any more children. That’s another reason why Rollo hates me.”
“He can’t hate you.”
“Now you are talking as so many people talk. Why can’t he hate me, pray? Of course he hates anyone who stands in the way of what he wants. He would like to get rid of me and marry someone who could give him children … sons just like himself.”
“We all have to adjust ourselves to life. Even he has to do that.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t seem worth the effort. Imagine how it was. I was going to have the child who was going to appear too soon. I was sick and wretched … desperately frightened of childbirth and even more frightened of him. I used to come up here and sit down and think. I’d look over there. That’s where Paris is … In that direction … if only there wasn’t so much in between. I longed to be back there.
Sometimes I thought of climbing a little higher to the Peak. That’s a spot where the land stops suddenly and there is a big drop down.
Someone fell over not long ago. It was in the mist. It was a farmer who had lost his way and couldn’t find his bearings. He stepped out . into nothing. I’ll show you before we leave. It’s just up there. I used to think how easy it would be to take that step. That would end it. No one could blame me for anything then. And how pleased Rollo would be. He could wipe me out of his life and start again. “
“How unhappy you must have been!”
“More frightened than anything else. Believe me, at one time I thought it would be easier to do that than to go on.”
“Poor Marie-Claude, how you must have suffered!”
“Even now … sometimes I think, is it worth while going on?”
“You have your little boy.”
“William! He’s the cause of all the trouble. But for him I should probably have had more children. I might have grown less scared of Rollo. Who knows, I might have been able to give him what he wanted.”
I was feeling vaguely apprehensive. I guessed that later she might regret having told me so much. She turned to me impulsively.
“Mine is such a wretched story. Don’t let’s talk of it any more. How different it must have been for you. Tell me about it.” “You know a great deal of it. I had my child and I set up in a salon and painted. Clients came to me, and it was all going very well until the war came.”
“The war!” She mused.
“It seemed rather remote to us here in the chateau. Isn’t it strange that Rollo should be able to keep himself aloof from it? It is almost as though he had magical powers. Sometimes I think he is more than a man … a demon perhaps. Someone who has come on earth from some other place. Do you understand what I mean?”
“Yes,” I admitted.
“I thought you did. He’s always been against this war. He said it was folly and the Emperor was a fool. He thinks of himself after all these centuries as a Norman. He’s powerful … more powerful than any one man should be. He owns a great deal of property … not only here but in England and Italy. It is because he is so rich and powerful that my family wanted the marriage, and it was because of my descent from the Royal Houses of France and Austria that he wanted me. How can people expect a good marriage to be based on such reasons? You are very fortunate, Kate.”
“I know I am fortunate in some ways.”
“Your little boy is beautiful.”
“I think so. And so is yours.”
She shrugged her shoulders.
“Rollo seems to like your son.” She looked sideways at me and I felt the colour begin to rise from my neck to my forehead.
“He is generally popular,” I said, trying to speak lightly.
“He was pale and thin when he arrived with you and Rollo and Jeanne."
“Who wouldn’t have been after that ordeal.”
“Yes, you were all showing signs of what you had been through. But you have recovered wonderfully now.”
“That’s something I’m thankful for.”
“Rollo has never taken the least interest in any child before. It is remarkable how much attention he bestows on yours. I never quite understood how Rollo came to be there at the precise moment when all that masonry was about to fall on your child.”
“You would have had to be in Paris to understand how things happen.”
“I know people died. What I meant was that it was an odd coincidence that he happened to be there at the precise moment.”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“He saved the boy’s life,” I said.
“There is no doubt of that.”
“Do you think that could be the reason why he is so fond of him?”
“I think one would be rather fond of someone whose life one had saved.
It’s getting chilly,” I went on.
“Do you think we ought to sit here?”
I helped her up.
“It was such an interesting talk,” she said, ‘that I forgot I was cold. Before you go I want to show you my spot. The Peak, remember. “
“Oh yes. It’s not far from here, you say.”
“Just over there. Come on.” She took my arm. She seemed a little breathless.
We walked across the grass and there it was before us a wonderful panorama of little hills and woods far away to the horizon.
She pointed.
“Over there would be Paris… if it were near enough for you to see.”
I looked down at the river below. I could see rocks and boulders protruding from the water and yellow coltsfoot growing on the bank.
“Are you scared of heights, Kate?” she asked.
“No.”
“Then why do you hang back?” She had released my arm and stepped nearer to the brink.
“Come on,” she commanded, and I approached the edge.
“Look down,” she said.
I did so. My first thought was that if she had thrown herself over as she had contemplated doing, she would have had little chance of survival.
She was close to me . standing behind me now. She whispered:
“Imagine falling … falling … You wouldn’t know much about it, just that quick gasp … a sort of wild thrill and then down… down . You’d be dead in a matter of seconds.”
I was seized with sudden fear. Why had she brought me here? Why had she talked or she had? What was she implying?
She knows that Kendal is Rollo’s son, I thought. She must believe that we were lovers in Paris and perhaps still are.
She hated him. But would that prevent her resenting the fact that he might love me? That he made it so clear that he loved my child?
I had always known that the Princesse Marie-Claude was impulsive, inclined to be hysterical. I was sure that the ordeal of marriage to Rollo when she was to bear another man’s child had been too much for her. Had it unbalanced her mind?
In those next seconds I was sure that she had brought me here for a purpose and that purpose might well be revenge.
Revenge on me? More likely on him. If she thought he loved me, how could she hurt him more than by destroying me.
It would be so easy. An accident, they would say. The ground crumbled.
She slipped. She went too near the edge.
I felt sure that she was about to push me over the edge . into oblivion.
I turned sharply and stepped away from the edge.
She was looking at me enigmatically, almost resignedly, I thought.
“You were standing very near the edge,” she said, as though admonishing me. She gave a little laugh.
“For a few moments you frightened me. I had a vision of your falling over. Let’s get back to the horses. I’m shivering… with the cold. This is not the time of year to sit about chattering.”