The Diary Of A Killer Cat

6: STILL FRIDAY

He nailed up the cat flap. Would you believe this man? He comes down the stairs this morning, and before he’s even out of his pyjamas he’s set to work with the hammer and a nail.

Bang, bang, bang, bang!

I’m giving him the stare, I really am. But then he turns round and speaks to me directly.

‘There,’ he says. ‘That’ll fix you. Now it swings this way –’ He gives the cat flap a hefty shove with his foot. ‘But it doesn’t swing this way.’

And, sure enough, when the flap tried to flap back in, it couldn’t. It hit the nail.

‘So,’ he says to me. ‘You can go out. Feel free to go out. Feel free, in fact, not only to go out, but also to stay out, get lost, or disappear for ever. But should you bother to come back again, don’t go to the trouble of bringing anything with you. Because this is now a one-way flap, and so you will have to sit on the doormat until one of the family lets you in.’

He narrows his eyes at me, all nasty-like.

‘And woe betide you, Tuffy, if there’s anything dead lying waiting on the doormat beside you.’

‘Woe betide you’! What a stupid expression. What on earth does it mean anyway? ‘Woe betide you’!

Woe betide him.