The Didymus Contingency

ELEVEN
Breathe
1996

Arizona

Tom had been vexed since 1997, when Peggy’s Porker Palace removed Honey BBQ baby back ribs from their menu. He had enjoyed the meal twice a week for years and then one day they were gone. Tom inquired to the reason for the tasty food’s disappearance and was told by Peggy herself, “Ain’t enough cows with ribs in the world to feed the likes of the beasts eatin’ here. Get too many complaints when we run out. Fights break out. Tables get broke. We losin’ money ’cause a them ribs. That’s the truth.”

Tom had seen one of those infamous rib brawls and knew Peggy was right. But it was now within Tom’s power to enjoy the meal at least one more time. Tom and David picked a night when they knew their past selves wouldn’t be dining and tore through time and space for a savory meal. They looked forward to modern convenience, which was a welcome change to what they had endured for some time.

They had experienced a dazzling array of events: Jesus fed five thousand men, plus their wives and children. Tom had estimated the true number of people to be closer to eighteen thousand. Plenty of people, time and confusion for Jesus’s secret society of helpers (that was Tom’s latest theory) to make several trips to neighboring villages, cities and markets and return with enough fish and bread to feed the masses. It was an elaborately staged magic show. One that Tom thought David Copperfield might do better.

In what Tom considered to be one of Jesus’s best performances, they witnessed Jesus walk on water. It was truly amazing at first, but Tom found flaws as usual. Tom noticed Jesus rise and fall with each wave, so he was indeed standing on something, but not the water. A thick fog had rolled in and visibility was poor. At times Jesus’s feet could be made out, but generally, the fog blocked Tom’s view. Tom concluded that Jesus had taken advantage of the foggy air to perform a rather stunning visual illusion by standing on a floating plank. Tom was now a firm believer…that Jesus invented surfing.

Over the months that followed, they saw Jesus heal more men and women from various ailments-all of which Tom believed to be staged, like so many modern TV evangelists. They heard Jesus tell parables, confusing stories that meant something else all together. David was the only one who seemed to get the hidden meaning on the first telling, but Tom noticed David was changing too. When he watched Jesus perform miracles his eyebrows would furrow instead of raise, his eyes would squint instead of widen and he would attempt to view the event from several angles. Tom saw this behavior and knew that David was still a scientist. He couldn’t help himself from dissecting each miracle, observing, measuring and hypothesizing. What Tom couldn’t see was the outcome to David’s scrutinizing.

Even Tom had become partially distracted from his goals. He became more comfortable in the past and closer friends with Judas, Matthew, Peter and Jesus. The group often acted like college men, wrestling and playing pranks on each other. They once conspired against David and set a trap of Tom’s design. A bucket of water was placed on a door and when David entered the room, the bucket crashed down and soaked him, bringing on a fit of laughter from all present. To Tom and David this was an old prank seen on TV, but to their ancient friends, it was a priceless new gag.

With all that was happening, all they were experiencing, internally and externally, Tom and David lost track of time. Before they knew it, they had been living in ancient Israel for almost two years. Two years…they deserved a break. At night, when everyone was sleeping, they stole off into the darkness, walked two miles from the nearest sign of civilization and made the trip back to the future to enjoy a hot plate of Honey BBQ ribs and a glass of drinkable water.

Tom stretched, making room in his already overstuffed and ballooning belly. He had eaten two portions of ribs-more food than he might eat in three days back in ancient Israel. His stomach had protested at first, but Tom forged on. David hadn’t eaten as much, but did partake in an above average amount of Wild Cherry Pepsi. He had already used the bathroom four times and Tom imagined David wouldn’t be sleeping for another day from the caffeine circulating through his system. But they agreed, while the sweet, sweet taste of modern food wreaked havoc with their now healthy bodies, it was well worth any discomfort.

After being silent while they devoured their meals, Tom finally noticed they were being watched. Every eye was on him and David, curiously inspecting the two hungry men. Tom realized what puzzled the thick bodied and thicker headed Porker Palace patrons; in the excitement to eat good food, he and David had neglected to change into proper attire. They were both still wearing their ancient robes, which were dirty, but still very colorful. They did their best to ignore the probing eyes surrounding them.

“Do you think we should have changed first?” David asked.

“I’m sure they’ve seen stranger,” Tom said, as he downed a glass of water and slapped it on the table as though it were a shot of vodka. “Never thought I’d be so glad to drink a glass of water.”

“After returning to the modern world, are you sure you want to go back?” David asked.

“A little late to try changing my mind again, isn’t it?” Tom replied.

“Just wondering what you’re going to do when all this is over? Jesus will die and rise again and you’ll be a Christian. You’re just going to come back to the future like nothing has changed?”

“A: There is no way in hell I’m staying back there a day longer than this takes. B: Jesus won’t rise from the grave, and I’m pretty sure he’s not going to die either,” Tom said.

“So the Bible is one hundred percent fiction?”

“That’s my guess. A fictional book based on the life of the original Houdini.”

As Tom sat back, happy with his comment, he noticed two rather sizable hicks pointing and laughing at him and David. Tom did his best to ignore the men and continued the conversation. “So is your savior everything you expected him to be?” Tom asked.

David shifted in his seat. “What?”

“Jesus…not everything you expected him to be, is he? Doesn’t exactly fit the perfect little cookie cutter mold the religious world has given him,” Tom said.

A sadness filled David’s eyes as he stared blankly at the table. Tom didn’t expect this response from his normally stubborn colleague. “You’re having doubts, aren’t you! Now that you’ve met the guy and he’s more human than you want him to be…you’re having doubts.”

Tom smiled ear to ear and continued, “I mean really, any guy who can be friends with me could never be the savior of the world, right?”

David looked up and said, “Tom…I-”

“Hey, aren’t you fellas late fer your Mary Kay party?” shouted one of the two hicks, now standing right next to them.

Tom and David did their best to ignore the man and continue their conversation, “Tom-”

“Didn’t you hear him, boy?” shouted the second hick, standing above David.

Tom’s patience wore away. All they wanted to do was have a conversation and enjoy a meal for the first time in two years, and these big, fat, annoying hicks couldn’t get over the fact that Tom and David were wearing robes. “Listen, sir, I haven’t had a single alcoholic beverage tonight, so I’m in no mood. If you could, please take your girthy friend and go get another beer on me. Okay?”

Tom’s long stream of lengthy words seemed to confuse the men. They looked at each other and then walked away. David looked at Tom, wide-eyed and attempting not to smile. “I can’t believe that worked!” David said.

But he spoke too soon. The two lumbering men returned with two more beefcakes in tow. Tom and David were outnumbered and outsized. One of the new men stepped toward Tom and asked, “Did you all call Billy fat?”

“No, I called him girthy,” Tom replied.

“That ain’t even a word,” the man said, as he cracked his knuckles.

Tom couldn’t help himself. “They teaching English lessons at the hog farm now?”

The response was instant and massive, “Git’im!”

Two of the thugs leaned forward, arms stretched out, hands grappling. David was pulled from his bench and tossed onto a table, which he slid across. He careened over the other side, taking two plates of food, a large Coke, four settings of silverware and a small vase of fake flowers with him.

Tom was a little quicker. He pivoted his bench and thrust his right leg forward, catching one of the assailants in the nose with his heel. The man screamed in pain and fell backwards into Billy. The two men toppled back like thick dominos and destroyed a chair beneath them. The man on top of Billy held his nose and whined, “He done broke my nothe!”

“Git off me so as I can kill ’im!” Billy shouted, trapped beneath his heavy-set friend.

“I gat ’im!” shouted the third hick, who had yet to get his hands on anybody.

The bulbous man, whose overalls barely fit, surged forward, threatening to crush Tom right there in his bench. Tom used the bench’s slippery surface to his advantage and slid beneath the table. The bench cracked as the weight of the overalls-wearing man mashed down on it. If Tom had been still in his seat, he would surely have been compressed beyond the point of breathing.

Tom rushed out from under the table. Two of the men were still squirming around on the floor, trying to get to their feet, but the man with the broken and bloody nose was writhing around so much that the other couldn’t roll over onto his belly and push himself up. As for the man on the bench, he wasn’t going anywhere fast either. He was wedged firmly between the wall, the bench and the table. Tom imagined it would take the Jaws of Life to cut him free.

The last of the four attackers was at the opposite end of a table, facing David. They were moving back and forth from side to side as the lumbering behemoth attempted to wrap his thick hands around David’s throat. The man took the table in his hands and tossed it to the side, as though it was no more then a chunk of Styrofoam. Tom knew he had to act quickly and picked up a plate from his table.

Moving quickly, Tom rounded the last of several tables blocking his path and slammed the solid plate down on the last hick’s head. The plate shattered from the blow and the man fell to his knees, though he wasn’t knocked unconscious. David stood still with wide eyes.

“David,” Tom said.

David didn’t budge.

“David!” Tom said with a smile, knowing David had probably seen his life flash before his eyes. “Let’s get out of here before they get moving.”

David snapped out of his trance and his eyes met Tom’s.

“C’mon,” Tom said, and David moved.

Tom turned and headed for the door with David right behind him. They didn’t make it two feet before being stopped by a wall of three more rotund, country warriors.

“Where you ladies off to?” one of them said with a smile, as he gnawed on a toothpick.

Tom sighed and without a word, slugged the first man in the stomach.

From the parking lot around Peggy’s Porker Palace, the sounds of breaking dishes, glasses and screaming men could be heard echoing from inside the establishment. The front door whooshed open as Tom and David ran out into the parking lot. Both had been trounced fairly well. Tom’s nose was bleeding and David’s eye was swollen. “Quick! Around back!” Tom shouted.

Tom and David sped around the building, out of sight from any locals and activated their watches. The two bright flashes of light and two loud bangs, heard and seen by everyone with a window seat at the Porker Palace would later be explained as swamp gas-even though there wasn’t a swamp for hundreds of miles around.

Seven angry hicks pounded out of the restaurant and scanned the area for their fleeing prey. It wasn’t every day they got to beat down a couple a fairies!

One of the men, struggling to catch his breath said, “Damn! They gone!”

Another followed, “Them drag queens…sure can…run!”

The twelve disciples, Jesus and David trudged up a steep hill, which led to a lone dwelling, just outside Bethany. They hadn’t been walking long, but the steep incline took the muscle out of even the fittest man. David, Tom and Jesus led the pack.

Jesus looked at Tom and David, attempting not to smile while doing so. They were both bruised and battered from their encounter with the Porker Palace thugs. Tom had been quick with a cover story; that he and David were mugged, beaten and left unconscious in an alley. “The men who robbed and beat you, were they blind?”

“You’re not going to get into the blind that can see stuff again, are you?” Tom asked.

Jesus smiled, “No. I mean, were they physically blind?”

“Why?” Tom asked.

“You claim that five large men beat and robbed you,” started Jesus.

“Yes…” Tom was unsure as to where this was leading.

“Yet your money purse remains at your hip,” Jesus pointed out.

Tom looked down to his hip, where indeed, his money purse still hung. “Huh, I guess I must have fallen on top of it during the fight. Maybe they couldn’t see it?”

“Maybe they were blind?” Jesus asked with a smile.

“Not likely,” Tom said, wishing Jesus would change the line of questioning. While the truth would never come out, he didn’t want to be seen as a liar, not to his friends anyway. Yet Tom couldn’t resist the opportunity for a friendly jab, “Why don’t you just fix us up with a little God zap?”

David’s head snapped toward Tom, his eyes angry. Tom had just crossed the line with that comment. David turned to Jesus, afraid for what the repercussions for such a statement might be, “We’re fine. Ignore my ignorant friend. His ego was bruised along with his face.”

But Jesus, seemingly unfazed by the dig, said “Healing you would only make you forget more quickly the lesson you’ve learned. Pain and suffering can be wise teachers, and some lessons need to be learned over time.”

Tom mentally sifted through an array of witty replies, but never got the chance to utilize one. “Stop,” Jesus said to the group. At the top of the hill was a large home, built of clay bricks, surrounded by fig and olive trees. Jesus stared at the building, absorbing its shape and the surroundings, like he was remembering. At the top of the hill stood a man, whose presence shouted strength and power.

Lazarus had been working outside all day, and the roots of the stump before him lay exposed, yet still clinging to the ground. Lazarus gripped a rope tied to the stump and wrapped it around his hands and wrists. With a mighty pull and a scream of exertion, he wrenched the stump and all its roots from the earth.

Tom’s eyes widened as he saw the feat of amazing strength from a safe distance. “Who is this guy? Maybe we shouldn’t bother him,” Tom said.

“Stop worrying,” Jesus said, “It doesn’t become you.”

Jesus strode toward the man. Tom wondered what death wish had possessed Jesus now.

Mary, Lazarus’s sister, ran from the house, long black hair undulating through the air behind her, and shook Lazarus by the shoulder. “What is it?” Lazarus asked, knowing the look in Mary’s bright green eyes meant trouble.

Pointing to the road on which the fourteen were walking toward the house, Mary said, “There, on the road.”

From this distance, only the number of men could be made out. Lazarus picked up his shovel and wielded it like a gladiator.

“Get inside,” Lazarus said, “Find Martha, and be ready to run.”

“What about you?” Mary asked.

“My life is inconsequential. I would willingly give it for my sisters’,” Lazarus said, “Now go.”

Mary obeyed her big brother’s request. She ran back inside as quickly as she had run out. Lazarus took a few broad steps toward the encroaching group and shouted, “Stay where you are and state your business.” His voice boomed.

The fourteen stopped in their tracks. Lazarus had a commanding voice and even more commanding body language. Jesus turned to Tom and smiled, “Perhaps we all need to learn a lesson, eh?”

“What? No. What are you-?”

Tom’s brief protest fell on deaf ears. “We’re here to eat your food and be served by your sisters!” Jesus shouted.

Tom audibly gasped. Jesus had gone insane! “What are you doing?” Tom said, “That guy is huge!”

Lazarus held up the shovel, ready to strike down the first man to try. “Turn back the way you came, stranger.”

“Stranger?” Jesus shouted, “I haven’t been gone that long.”

Through squinted eyes, Lazarus attempted to make out facial features.

Jesus pushed on, “Perhaps I should come up there and beat some sense into you!”

Tom looked at Jesus wide-eyed. Tom thought all this God business must have really been going to Jesus’s head.

Lazarus stood up straight and his head tilted. “Jesus?”

“In the flesh,” Jesus replied.

A smile stretched across Lazarus’s face. “Mary! Martha! It’s Jesus!” Lazarus shouted, as his huge feet carried him toward Jesus.

They met halfway and embraced like true friends. Jesus was lifted off the ground in Lazarus’s arms. “It’s been too long, my friend!”

Tom let out a long sigh of relief. He looked at David, “I thought we were all dead for sure.”

“I’m sure that’s the same thing he was thinking.” David said, as he looked at Lazarus.

Jesus was released from Lazarus’s bear hug. He looked at Lazarus’s arms and said, “I see you’ve been working hard.”

“Jesus!” Mary shouted, as she just about barreled him over with a hug.

Tom couldn’t help but smile at such a happy reunion. He could tell these must have been lifelong friends of Jesus, and Mary…was stunning! Her hair looked soft, but not as soft as her face, and her smile-beautiful, the way it pushed her cheeks into firm apples… Tom was pulled from his wistful distraction when Jesus spoke.

“Where is your sister?” Jesus asked.

“When Martha heard who was here, she got to work on a meal for you and your friends,” Mary explained.

“Come,” Lazarus said, “Come inside. Our home is your home. Our food is your food.”

Lazarus led the fourteen men, who Tom knew were all strangers here, toward the house. He had never seen such friendship or generosity. Tom felt instantly at home.