The Duel

IV

The deacon was easily tickled and laughed at every foible until his sides split, until he fell over. It seemed he enjoyed being in the company of people only because they had humorous attributes and he could assign humorous nicknames to them. He called Samoylenko “the tarantula,” his valet “duck drake,” and was in a state of rapture when Von Koren once called Laevsky and Nadezhda Fyodorovna “macaques.” Hungrily staring one in the face, he would listen without blinking, and it was evident, as his eyes filled with mirth and his face grew tense, that he was in anticipation of when he could allow himself free reign to fall over laughing.

“He is a corrupt and warped subject,” continued the zoologist, while the Deacon locked onto his face anticipating funny words. “It’s rare to come across such a nothing of a man. His flesh is bloodless, stunted and useless while his intellect is indistinguishable from that of some corpulent monger’s wife who only stuffs her face, drinks, sleeps on a featherbed and takes the coachman for a lover.”

The deacon burst into laughter again.

“Don’t laugh, Deacon,” Von Koren said, “this is foolish, after all. I would not pay attention to his nothingness,” he continued, waiting for the deacon to stop laughing. “I would walk right past him, if only he were not so menacing and dangerous. His being a menace primarily consists of his success with women and for that reason there is the threat of progeny, what a gift to the world a dozen Laevskys would be, all just as stunted and useless as he is himself. Second, he is highly contagious. I’ve already told you about the Vint and beer. Another couple of years and he’ll overtake the entire Caucasus shoreline. You know the extent to which the masses, especially the middle class, believe in the intelligentsia, in a university education, in gentlemanly manners and a literary tongue. Whatever abomination he may commit, everyone will believe that it’s good, that it’s the way things should be since he is an intelligent, liberal and university-educated man. In addition to that, he’s a good-for-nothing, a superfluous man, a neurotic, a victim of the times, all that any of this means is that he can do as he pleases. He’s a sweet little guy, a good soul, he so sincerely embraces all human frailties; he’s compliant, malleable, accommodating, humble, you can have a drink with him, use blue language, shoot the breeze … The masses have always been inclined to anthropomorphism in religion and morality, and above all else they love lesser gods who share in their own weaknesses. Just take into account what a broad range there is for his contagion! What’s more, he’s not a bad actor and a cunning hypocrite, and he knows perfectly well how to look out for himself. Let’s consider his subterfuge and conjury, for instance, at the very least his attitude toward civilization. He’s never had a whiff of civilization, but regardless: ‘Oh, how we’ve been crippled by civilization! Oh, how I envy the savages, those children of nature that are ignorant of civilization!’ Don’t you see, it’s important to understand that there was a time, in the days of yore, when he was wholeheartedly devoted to civilization, served her, comprehended her through and through, but she bored him, disenchanted him, deceived him; don’t you see, he’s a Faust, a second Tolstoy … But he scoffs at Schopenhauer and Spencer as though they were little boys and paternally pats them on the shoulder: Well, hello there, brother Spencer? Of course, he hasn’t read Spencer, but how endearing he is when he says of his mistress with an airy, careless irony: ‘She’s read Spencer!’ And people listen to him, and no one chooses to understand, that not only does that charlatan have no right to discuss Spencer in such a tone, he doesn’t have the right to kiss the soles of Spencer’s shoes! Weaseling beneath civilization, beneath authority, beneath a foreign altar, sullying, clownishly rolling his eyes for the sole purpose of excusing and concealing his own weakness and moral squalor, these can only be the actions of a narcissistic, low and wretched animal.”

“I don’t understand, Kolya, what it is that you hope to gain from him,” said Samoylenko, no longer looking at the zoologist in anger but guiltily. “He’s the same kind of man, as everyone else. Of course, he’s not without his weaknesses, but he’s abreast of contemporary thought, he serves, benefits his motherland. Ten years ago, there was a little old envoy stationed here with us, a person of superior intellect. Here’s what he used to say—”

“Enough, enough!” the zoologist interrupted. “You say he serves. Well, how does he serve? As a result of his appearance here, have things started running more smoothly or has the efficiency, integrity and politeness among civil servants improved? It’s just the opposite; with the authority of an intelligent, university-educated man, he has only sanctioned their libertine behavior. There are times when he’s industrious, such as the twentieth of the month when he receives his salary, every other day he drags his shoes around the house and tries his best to impart onto himself the illusion that he’s doing the Russian government a tremendous favor by living in the Caucasus. No, Alexander Davidich, don’t stand up for him. You have not been earnest from beginning to end. If you really did love him and considered him a close friend, there would be no way that you could be so apathetic about his weaknesses, you wouldn’t kowtow to them, you would try to neutralize him for his own good.”

“What’s that?”

“Neutralize him. But since he is incorrigible, there’s only one way of neutralizing him …”

Von Koren drew a finger across his throat.

“Or we can drown him, perhaps …” he continued. “For the good of all mankind and in their own respective interests, such people must be annihilated. It’s necessary.”

“What are you saying?!” muttered Samoylenko, rising and casting his shocked expression on the calm, cold face of the zoologist. “Deacon, what is he saying? Are you out of your mind?”

“I don’t stand firm on capital punishment,” Von Koren said. “If it’s been proven to be harmful, then come up with something else. Since we can’t annihilate Laevsky, then let’s quarantine him, disenfranchise him, send him to hard labor …”

“What are you saying?” Samoylenko recoiled. “With pepper, with pepper!” he shouted in a desperate voice, noticing that the deacon was eating stuffed squash without pepper. “You’re a man of superior intellect, what are you saying?! You want to give our friend, a proud, intelligent man, over to hard labor?!”

“If he’s proud, then he’ll resist—they’ll have to shackle him!”

Samoylenko could not say a single word; all he could do was fidget his fingers. The Deacon took one look at his dumbfounded and, in all actuality, funny face and burst into laughter.

“We can stop talking about this,” the zoologist said. “But remember one thing, Alexander Davidich, primitive mankind was protected from the likes of Laevsky by the battle for survival and natural selection; now our culture has significantly weakened the battle and natural selection, and we ourselves must take on the responsibility of annihilating the weak and the worthless, or else, when Laevsky reproduces, civilization will collapse and mankind will completely deteriorate. We will be to blame.”

“If it is people who are doing the drowning and the hanging,” Samoylenko said, “then to hell with your civilization, to hell with mankind! To hell with it! Here’s what I’d like to say to you: you are well educated, a man of superior intellect and the pride of your motherland, but the Germans ruined you. Yes, the Germans! The Germans!”

Ever since he’d left Dorpat, where he was educated in medicine, Samoylenko rarely saw Germans, nor had he read a single German book, but in his opinion, all the vice in politics and science transpired as a result of the Germans. He himself couldn’t explain where he’d gotten this idea from, but he held on to it dearly.

“Yes, the Germans!” he repeated one more time. “Let’s go have tea.”

All three rose and, putting on their hats, went out into the small front garden and took seats there beneath the pale maple, pear and chestnut trees. The zoologist and the deacon sat on a bench near the little table, but Samoylenko cascaded into a wicker armchair with a broad, sloping back. The valet brought tea, preserves and a bottle of syrup.

It was very hot, nearly thirty degrees in the shade. The sultry air was stagnant, immobile, and a long spider’s web that had been strung from the chestnut tree to the ground weakly hung there and did not stir.

The deacon picked up the guitar that perpetually lay on the ground near the table, tuned it and began to sing softly, in a thin voice, “The lads from the seminary are lining up at the tavern …” but immediately fell silent from the heat, whipping sweat from his brow and glancing up at the hot, blue sky. Samoylenko began to dream. He slackened and grew inebriated from the swelter, the quiet and the sweet post-dinner drowsiness, which quickly overtook all his limbs. His hands dropped to his sides. His eyes became very small. His chin rested on his chest. With teary-eyed tenderness he surveyed Von Koren and the deacon and muttered:

“The younger generation … A star of science and the light of the church … Just look, a priest will burst forth from this long-hemmed hallelujah. It’s all well and good, we may have to kiss his hand … What of it … It’s God’s will …”

Soon, snoring could be heard. Von Koren and the deacon finished drinking their tea and exited out onto the street.

“Are you set on returning to your goby fishing?” the zoologist asked.

“No, it’s a little too hot.”

“Come over to my place. You can pack up some things that need to be shipped and some incidentals need to be rewritten. By the way, we can knock around ideas about how to occupy your time. You need to work, Deacon. You can’t just keep doing what you’ve been doing.”

“Your words are fair and logical,” the deacon said, “but my laziness finds excuses in the circumstance surrounding my true calling. You yourself know that an indeterminate situation certainly contributes to people’s apathetic states. Whether I’ve been sent here temporarily or permanently, God alone knows. I live here in uncertainty as my deaconess vegetates at her father’s and longs for me. And, to confess, my brain has spoiled from being left out in the heat.”

“That’s nonsense,” said the zoologist. “You can get used to the heat, and you can get used to being without your deaconess. It’s not worth it to let yourself go. You need to get a hold of yourself.”