The Edge

Chapter 54

Devine awoke with a start and looked around at the somewhat familiar surroundings. He was in Jenny’s old room, where he had fallen asleep — he checked his watch — a mere four hours ago.

He yawned and slowly stood, pressing down his rumpled clothes. He hadn’t bothered to disrobe because he had been too tired and the room was too cold.

He washed his face in the bathroom down the hall, tried and failed to smooth down his hair, and slowly opened the door to Alex’s bedroom after knocking quietly and not getting an answer. She looked to still be asleep. He leaned in close enough to make sure he could see the steady rise and fall of her chest.

He glanced over at a chaise against one wall, where Annie Palmer lay fast asleep under a heavy blanket. She had insisted on staying in Alex’s room, and Devine had decided to sleep on the premises, just in case something else happened.

He quietly closed the door and headed down to the kitchen. He didn’t see Dak. He made himself coffee and drank it while staring out at the ocean through a rear-facing window. The tide was coming in and breakers were exploding against the rocky shore.

“You’re up early.”

He turned to see Alex standing there, barefoot and in the same white nightgown. Her hair was sleep tousled, and her eyes and face were puffy.

“Just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.” He held up the coffee. “Want a cup?”

She shook her head and walked over to stand next to him. She gazed out the window, her features troubled; her eyes seemed to be searching for... something out there.

“Thank you,” she said.

“For what?”

“For not letting me do...”

“I don’t think you would have, regardless of whether I was there or not.”

Alex looked up at him. “Why? Why do you say that?”

“Because you’re stronger than you think. Because you reached a tipping point, but didn’t go over the edge.”

“Why do you believe that was?”

“Because you have a lot more you want to accomplish in life.”

The look she gave him was soul-breaking, even for the hardened seen-all-the-bad-in-life former soldier.

“I’m really, really... screwed up, Travis.” Tears slid down her cheeks. “And I don’t know if I can ever get back to... where I started.”

He put down his cup, turned to her, and gently took ahold of her shoulders. “For the record, and I’m not just saying this, we are all screwed up, Alex. All of us, including me. It’s only a matter of degrees. What happened to you was horrifying and traumatizing and unfair as hell. None of it had anything to do with you and everything to do with the person who did it. So with that said, I’ll answer your question: Can you ever get back to where you started? The answer is no.”

She shivered and started to say something, but he put a finger to her lips.

“You will be better. You will be stronger. You will be able to take on far more than you ever thought possible. That’s the thing with life, Alex. It tests us, all the time. It wants to see how much we can take, before we crack.”

“You sound like you speak from experience,” she said in a hollow voice.

“The Army’s fundamental concept is based on breaking down every soldier to nothing, absolutely nothing. And then rebuilding that soldier in the version of the human fighting machine they want and need to do the job. I’m not saying it’s perfect or right or anything. I’m just saying that’s the deal. Only I volunteered to be put through that transformation. What happened to you took place without your consent. But the end result can be similar. You come out of it changed. But you come out of it tougher, because you took the worst shit life can throw at you, and you’re still standing.”

“I don’t feel very tough right now.”

“You do your art, you teach kids, you get out of bed every day and go about life. You’re a caring and compassionate person with a huge heart when you have every reason not to be any of that. That’s an enormous victory, Alex, don’t let anyone ever tell you it’s not.”

She looked unsure, but gripped his arm, and said, “I think I’m starting to remember some things... about that night.”

“I think you are, too,” he said softly.

“But it’s still not there yet. I can’t... I don’t know... who...” She looked at him miserably.

“There’s no rush on this, Alex, none at all. You take your time and just let it happen naturally, or as naturally as it can be.” He drew closer. “But look, one thing you can’t do is tell anyone that you’re starting to remember things, okay?”

She looked up at him, and he could tell Alex knew exactly what he was leaving unsaid, because Devine felt to say it out loud now might do damage to her, real damage. But he didn’t want anyone stopping her from fully remembering either. It was a tricky balance, and Devine was not confident in his ability to get it right.

“What did you remember?” He knew what she was going to say, because Annie Palmer had told him. But Devine wanted to hear Alex say it, if she remembered.

“That it was a friend. That it was someone I knew who... hurt me.” She kneaded a finger into the side of her head. “It’s right up here, Travis. The name. I know it is. If I could only make it come out.”

“Sometimes the harder you try to make something happen, particularly with your mind, the tougher it becomes to actually get to where you want to go. You will remember who it was, Alex. And when you do, you tell me, and then that person will be held accountable.”

“Do you really think he was the one who hurt Jenny?”

He hesitated, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie to the woman. Not now. Not in the precarious state she was in. “I think he was, yes.”

“When it happened, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. Believe that someone, anyone, could do that to... Jenny. She was so strong, so...”

“...invincible?” suggested Devine.

She looked up at him with her big, sad eyes. “Yes.”

“The thing is, Alex, none of us are invincible, not a single one of us. And that includes the person who hurt you and killed your sister. And when we find him, he will come to realize that clear as day. I give you my word on that.”

“I’ve never met anyone quite like you,” she said, a smile breaking through the gloom in her expression.

“I can say the same about you.”

She slowly wrapped her arms around him and leaned her head against his chest. “Thank you, Travis.”

And Devine held the woman as tightly as he could because he knew better than most that either of them could be gone tomorrow, which was promised to no one.