The Eye of Zoltar

The Dragons

The two Dragons I found myself vaguely responsible for were called Feldspar Axiom Firebreath IV, and Colin. They were each the size of a pony, and were decidedly reptilian in appearance, manner and gait. They had long jaws with serrated teeth, ornate head frills, a long barbed tail and explosively flammable breath. Their wings were a triumph of design in that when they were unfolded they took up the entire room and were as translucent as tissue paper, but when folded fitted neatly into dimples on their backs. They had muscular arms and legs, both of which carried sharp talons that needed to be clipped often as they would otherwise damage the hotel’s parquet flooring.

But despite their appearance, which was both elegant and terrifying in equal measure, they acted like particularly dumb teenage brothers, only with an IQ immeasurably higher, and better taste in clothes and friends.

‘Welcome home,’ I said. ‘Were you impressed by all that learning?’

‘Good in parts,’ said Colin thoughtfully, ‘but generally inclined to repetition.’

‘That’s it?’ said Wizard Moobin. ‘Our entire intellectual output dismissed in a sentence?’

‘We can discuss human literary output further if you’d like,’ said Feldspar, ‘but we’d only get as far as Aristotle before you’d do that thing where you stop working and fall apart. What’s it called again?’

‘Dying?’

‘That’s it. But your output isn’t all boring. We thought that a few humans were actually really smart, but they were too rare to be of any real use, and rarely became leaders where they could actually change things.’

‘And,’ added Colin, ‘I was a little disappointed over all that killing.’

Colin was a strict pacifist, and as much a vegan as any Dragon ever could be.

‘There is quite a lot of it in our history,’ I conceded.

‘I knew how much before I went,’ said Colin, ‘I was just unprepared for the range of ridiculous excuses you lot use in its justification. It’s somewhat bizarre to learn that many of you think that other humans are somehow different enough to be hated and killed, when in reality you’re all tiresomely similar in outlook, needs and motivation, and differ only by peculiar habits, generally shaped by geographical circumstance.’

‘We’re not all bad,’ I said, suddenly finding myself defending my own species.

‘No,’ agreed Colin, ‘some of you are hardly rubbish at all, and a few – there are always a few – are quite exceptional. Mind you,’ he added, ‘you can always take solace in the fact that humans are generally better than Trolls.’

‘Better than Trolls?’ said Lady Mawgon scornfully. ‘Praise indeed.’

‘Generally better,’ repeated Colin, in case she had misunderstood.

We all fell silent, and Feldspar looked around the room carefully.

‘Is this a Sorcerers’ Conclave?’ he asked, and I nodded.

‘It’s about the Mighty Shandar,’ said Moobin, and he outlined the refund issue, and how finding the Eye of Zoltar might help.

‘I thought he might want to kill us,’ said Colin in a matter-of-fact manner, ‘most do. We’ll defend ourselves as well as we can, but it won’t be much of a fight – neither of us will be full-grown and at Peak Magic for at least another century, perhaps two.’

‘… which is why we need to find the Eye,’ I said, ‘heard of it?’

‘Nope,’ said Colin, ‘but then our Dragon trans-death memory is weak at present. If you want to give us thirty years or so for our forefathers’ memories to settle and coalesce, we’d be happy to help then.’

‘That might be too long,’ said Moobin.

‘Humans!’ said Feldspar. ‘Always in such a hurry. Well, must be off. I’m on a princess-guarding gig, and the venue needs my approval for suitability. Tall tower, abandoned castle, island, that sort of thing.’

‘You never mentioned this,’ said Colin, mildly annoyed.

‘I don’t have to tell you everything. Besides, it’s only for thirty years or until successful abduction of said princess by said brave knight.’

‘You wouldn’t catch me doing any princess-guarding,’ said Colin grumpily. ‘It’s so depressingly medieval, and besides, guarding princesses and vaporising knights with a white-hot ball of fire is not the publicity we Dragons need right now.’

‘How about guarding but without doing the ball of fire thing?’ asked Moobin.

‘It’s an idea,’ replied Feldspar thoughtfully, ‘although I’m not sure you can guard princesses without roasting a few knights. It’ll be fine. I get to meet the princess and if we don’t hit it off I can always turn them down.’

And so saying he flew out of the window.

‘Okay,’ I said, using my authoritative voice, the one I usually used when I had to make some sort of wise or portentous pronouncement, ‘it looks like I’m going into the Cambrian Empire on a dual mission. Firstly, I’ll head for Llangurig to find Able Quizzler and see if there is any truth in his claim that the Eye of Zoltar is in Pirate Wolff’s possession.’

‘And secondly?’ asked Lady Mawgon.

‘I’ll drop in and see if I can negotiate for Once Magnificent Boo’s release. I’ll be gone for two days, three at most.’

There was a mild grumbling of discomfort. Whenever I went away or had a day off, things generally went a bit chaotic at Kazam, but they understood this was important.

‘Okay, then,’ I said, eager to move on, ‘who’s coming with me? Not you, Tiger, you’re staying here to look after things in my absence.’

‘I can be tactical air support,’ said Colin. ‘I might not be large enough to carry anyone, but I can manage reconnaissance duties.’

‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘Anyone else?’

There was silence, and for a good reason.

‘I’m not sure any of us can come with you,’ said Moobin apologetically. ‘The transportation of licensed sorcerers across borders has been strictly controlled for some time. We could get travel permits, but it would take six months or more.’

‘If we sneaked across the border and were caught we’d end up no better off than Once Magnificent Boo,’ added Lady Mawgon.

‘My carpet and I aren’t going anywhere until I get some more angel feathers,’ said the Prince gloomily, ‘but if you shout I’ll come running and do what I can.’

‘I’m too lazy,’ admitted Kevin Zipp, ‘and can foresee more terrors than I think it will be helpful to tell you about.’

This was worrying. I didn’t mind going on my own, but I’d prefer company.

‘I’m in,’ said Perkins. ‘Officialdom moves slowly both in the Kingdom of Snodd and the Cambrian Empire. It’s doubtful if my licensed-sorcerer status has even left the Ministry of Infernal Affairs out-tray. The worst they can do is refuse me entry.’

‘Thank you, Perkins.’

‘My pleasure. Never been on a quest before.’

‘Hang on a second,’ I said. ‘Let’s all get this perfectly clear – this is not a quest. All we’re doing is travelling into the Cambrian Empire to find evidence that Able Quizzler chanced upon the Eye of Zoltar.’

‘Besides,’ said Moobin, ‘all quests need to be approved by the Questing Foundation.’

‘Exactly,’ I said, ‘and we don’t want them involved.’

‘So what if we do find evidence of the Eye of Zoltar?’ asked Perkins.

‘Then we carry on, I guess, and see what we can find.’

‘It will be dangerous,’ said Dame Corby, ‘the Cambrian Empire always is. My Uncle Herbert went there to do some mild mega-pike fishing and was stuffed and mounted by the Hotax.’

‘I’m thinking I shouldn’t ask this, but what’s a Hotax?’ asked Perkins.

‘A sort of cannibalistic savage with an unhealthy enthusiasm for taxidermy.’

‘I knew I shouldn’t have asked.’

‘Don’t forget to keep your angel traps on you at all times,’ said Prince Nasil, ‘especially when imminent death is close by. Did I tell you they liked marshmallows?’

‘Yes,’ said Perkins and I, pretty much at the same time.

‘Here,’ said Moobin, handing me a piece of paper, ‘you’ll need this.’

It was a letter of credit to the Ransom Clearing House. Effectively worth twenty thousand.

‘I’d like to go higher for Boo but that’s all we can spare. Try and knock them down, won’t you?’

I said I’d do my best, and put the note in my pocket.

‘Right, then,’ I said to the group as they got up. ‘The duty roster is posted on the board and don’t forget to fill out your paperwork. Tiger will help you.’

‘Thanks for agreeing to come with me,’ I said to Perkins as the meeting broke up.

‘You can’t go on your own,’ he replied. ‘Besides, Kevin once let slip that I would grow old in the Cambrian Empire. If I’m eventually to retire there, it makes sense to at least visit the place. What’s the plan, by the way?’

‘We drive to the border in the Bugatti posing as a couple going on holiday.’

‘And then what?’

‘And then we improvise.’

‘Sounds like an excellent plan.’

‘What about me?’ asked the Princess, who I’d forgotten about, but who must have overheard everything. ‘Shall I be a Tralfamosaur research student from a well-born family who has fallen on hard times but is otherwise treated as her high station befits?’

‘You’re not coming because it’s too risky,’ I said. ‘Besides, we can’t take a princess into the Cambrian Empire without an import licence.’

‘But I’m not the Princess right now,’ said the Princess. ‘I’m an undernourished orphan named Laura Scrubb with unsightly red rashes on my arms and legs.’

‘She’s got a point,’ said Perkins.

I thought for a moment. The King and Queen had told me she needed educating, and a fact-finding mission to the wildly unpredictable Cambrian Empire might be just the thing.

‘Okay, Princess,’ I said, ‘you’re in – but if you blow your cover and get kidnapped, your father will have to mortgage the Kingdom you might one day inherit to get you out.’

‘I’ll take that risk,’ she said with a toss of her head. ‘Now, shall I be a Tralfamosaur research student from a well-born family who is treated as an equal?’

‘No, you’re my handmaiden.’

She thought about this.

‘Will I have to do any ironing?’

‘Can you do ironing?’

‘No.’

‘Then probably not.’

‘Okay,’ she said with the first smile I’d seen, ‘game on.’