The Forbidden Queen

CHAPTER ELEVEN

When Henry died, I was beyond loneliness. Misery kept my spirit chained and I sank into unrelieved gloom, as if I were permanently shielded from the sun’s warmth by a velvet cloak. Edmund’s un-chivalrous rejection of me—his deliberate choice of personal advancement over what might have passed for love in his cold heart—left me equally bereft.

But whereas in the aftermath of Henry’s denial of me I had embraced despair, I now rejected any notion of melancholy. Anger blew through me like a cleansing wind, ridding me of any inclination to weep or mourn my seclusion or even to contemplate the pattern of my never-ending isolation. A fury hummed through my blood, instilling in me a vibrancy equal to that which I had experienced at the hands of Edmund Beaufort on that fatal Twelfth Night. Fury was a hot, raging emotion, and yet my heart was a hard thing, a block of granite, a shard of ice. Tears were frozen in my heart.

Neither was my anger turned solely on Beaufort. I lashed myself with hard words. How could I have allowed myself to be drawn in, won over? Could I not have seen his empty promises for what they had been? I should not need a man’s love to live out my life in some degree of contentment. Obviously I was a woman incapable of attracting love: neither Henry nor Edmund had seen me as the object of their devotion. How could I have been so miserably weak as to be tempted into Edmund’s arms, like a mouse to the cheese left temptingly in a vermin trap? Oh, I was beyond anger.

Holy Virgin, I prayed. Grant me the strength to live out my life without the companionship of a man. Give me patience and inner contentment to spend every day until I die in the society of women. Let me not count the passing years in the lines on my face or mourn as my hair fades from gold to silver.

The Virgin smiled serenely, her face as bland as a junket, so much so that it drove me from my knees, stalking from my chapel, to the astonishment of my chaplain, who was preparing to hear my confession, and my damsels, who must have seen more than religious fervour stamped on my features. My anger refused to dissipate.

‘Love without anxiety and without fear

Is fire without flames and without warmth.’

Beatrice, fingers plucking the plangent chords, sang wistfully as we stitched in one of the light-filled chambers at Windsor. Detesting those melancholy sentiments, reminding me as they did of Edmund Beaufort’s silver tongue, I stabbed furiously at the linen altar cloth with no regard for its fragile surface.

‘Day without sunlight, hive without honey

Summer without flower, winter without frost.’

As her voice died away, there was a concerted sigh.

‘I would not wish to live without the sweetness of honey,’ Meg commented.

‘But I would,’ I announced. I was still careful around my English women, but I found the words on my lips spilling out before I could stop them. ‘I reject all sweetness and honey, all fire with its hot flames. In fact, from today, I forswear all men.’

For the length of a heartbeat they regarded me as if I had taken leave of my wits, to be quickly followed by a slide of knowing glances. My estrangement from Edmund must have given them hours of pleasurable conjecture. And then they set themselves, as one, to persuade me of the value of what I had just rejected.

‘Love brings a woman happiness, my lady.’

‘A man’s kisses puts colour into her cheeks.’

‘And a man in her bed puts a child in her belly!’

Laughter stirred the echoes in the room.

‘I will live without a man’s kisses. I will live without a man in my bed,’ I said, for once enjoying the quick cut and thrust. ‘I will never succumb to the art of seduction. I will never give way to lust.’

Which silenced them, my damsels who gossiped from morn until night over past and present amours, causing them to look askance, as if it might be below the dignity of a Queen Dowager to admit to so base an emotion as lust.

I regarded their expressive brows as I acknowledged that today I wanted their companionship; today I would be part of their gossip and knowing innuendo. I had spent my life in England isolated from them, mostly through my own inability to be at ease within their midst, but no longer. A strange light-heartedness gripped me. Perhaps it was the cup of wine we had drunk or the unexpected camaraderie.

‘I will show you.’ I lifted a skein of embroidery silks from my coffer, deciding in a moment’s foolishness to make a little drama out of it. ‘Bring a candle here for me.’

They did, and, embroidery abandoned as Cecily brought the candle, they seated themselves on floor or stool.

‘I will begin,’ I said, enjoying their attention. ‘I forswear my lord of Gloucester.’ There was an immediate murmur of assent for consigning the arrogant royal duke to the flames. ‘What colour do I choose for Gloucester?’

They caught the idea.

‘Red. For power.’

‘Red, for ambition.’

‘Red for disloyalty to one wife, and a poor choice of a second.’

I had difficulty in being mannerly towards Gloucester, who had attacked my future with the legal equivalent of a hatchet. The Act of Parliament he had instigated would stand for all time. No man of ambition would consider me as a bride. I was assuredly doomed to eternal widowhood. And so with savage delight I lifted a length of blood-red silk, snipped a hand’s breadth with my shears and held it over the candle so that it curled and shimmered into nothingness.

‘There. Gloucester is gone, he is nothing to me.’ I caught an anxious look from Beatrice as we watched the silk vanish. ‘I can’t believe you are a friend of Gloucester, Beatrice.’

‘No, my lady.’ She shuddered. ‘But is this witchcraft. Perhaps in France…?’

‘No such thing,’ I assured her. ‘Merely a signal of my intent. Gloucester will be hale and hearty for a good few years yet.’ I looked round the expectant faces. ‘Now Bishop Henry. He has been kind—but to my mind as self-interested as are all the Beauforts. Not to be trusted.’

‘Rich purple,’ from Beatrice. ‘He likes money and self-importance.’

‘And the lure of a Cardinal’s hat,’ Cecily added.

The purple silk went the way of its red sister.

Who next? I considered my father, who had instilled in me such fear—mad, untrustworthy, kind one moment, violent and cruel the next—but I knew that it had not been his choice to be so.

And then there was my brother Charles, who would be King Charles the Seventh if he could persuade enough Frenchmen to back him, and would thus usurp my son’s claim to France. But was it not his right, by birth and blood, to rule? I could not deny him his belief in his inheritance. This was no easy task, but the fascination of my damsels urged me on.

I chose a length of pure white silk.

‘Who is that?’

‘My husband. Henry. Sadly dead before his time.’

They became instantly solemn. ‘Pure.’

‘Revered.’

‘Chivalrous. A great loss.’

‘Yes,’ I agreed, and said no more, knowing it would not be politic. Henry, as pure and cold as the coldest winter, as cruel through his neglect as the sharpest blade. I admired his talents but did not regret his absence, as the white silk flamed, and died as he had in the last throes of his terrible illness. ‘He no longer has a place in my life.’

‘He was a great king,’ Meg stated.

‘He was,’ I agreed. ‘The very best. In his pursuit of English power he had no rival.’

The memory of my immature infatuation, his heedless forsaking of me, flooded back and for a moment my hands fell unoccupied in my lap, the silks abandoned, and my women shuffled uncomfortably. The joy had gone out of it.

‘What about Edmund Beaufort?’ Beatrice asked, immediately looking aghast at her daring, for here was a sensitive issue. Would I lash out with anger at their presumption? Would I weep, despite all my denials of hurt? Would I embarrass myself and them?

And I thought momentarily of Edmund, how I had fallen into the fantasy of it, as a mayfly, at the end of its short existence, drops into the stream and is carried away. Edmund had woven a web to pinion me and take away my will. How I had enjoyed it, living from moment to moment, day to day, anticipating his next kiss, his next outrageous plot. How could any woman resist such a glorious seduction?

She could if she had any sense. He was as self-serving as the rest, and I had been a fool to be so compromised, with no one to blame but myself. In my folly I had trusted so blindly. I would not do so again. I would not be used by any man again. I would never again be seduced by a smooth tongue and clever assault. No man would command my allegiance, my loyalty. Certainly not my love.

‘He is hard to resist,’ Meg observed solemnly, as if she had read my thoughts.

Oh, my control was masterly, my sense of the dramatic superb. I lifted a glittering length of gold thread from my coffer and replied from my heart.

‘Here he is. Edmund, who wooed me and could have won me if he had had the backbone. One of the glittering Beauforts. He was cruel in his rejection of me.’ And I burnt the whole costly strand, not even snipping off a short length, as I smiled around the watchful faces. I think I had won their admiration, or at least their respect.

I left them, full of laughter as they considered the men of their acquaintance who failed to live up to their own high standards. I admired their light-heartedness, their assurance that one day they would marry and, if fortunate, know the meaning of love. I would always be lonely. I would remain isolated and unwed. I would never love again.

Anger kept me close companionship in those days.

Fired with my resolution to tread a solitary path, I embraced my new strength of spirit within the sharp confines created for me by his grace of Gloucester. I would be Queen Dowager, admirable and perfect in the role allotted to me.

I had grown up at last. And not before time, Michelle would have said.

‘I wish to visit some of my dower properties,’ I informed my little son. ‘And you must come with me.’

Young Henry’s glance slid from me to his beloved books. ‘Do I have to, maman?’

‘Yes, Henry. You do.’ I would not be swayed.

‘I would rather stay here. My lord of Warwick says that he will come and—’

I did not wait to hear what Richard might be planning. ‘You will come with me, Henry. I am your mother and my wish takes precedence over that of my lord of Warwick on this occasion.’

‘You could go, and I could stay here.’

‘No, I could not.’ No point in explaining why. I remained firm. ‘It will be good for you to be seen by your people, Henry. It is your duty as King to be seen.’

Which did the trick. I informed Warwick and Gloucester by a slow-riding courier that the King would not be at Windsor but at the Queen Dowager’s dower properties. I listed them, and we were on our way the following day, before either would hear of my decision. Not that they could complain. I simply took the King, servants, entourage and outriders—his household in effect—in full regal panoply, with me. We made a fine show as we visited Hertford, then on to Waltham and Wallingford.

And finally there was Leeds Castle, which Young Henry anticipated with joy and I with a residue of fear. Leeds, the beautiful scene of my abortive proposal of marriage, where I had been so full of joy for what the future might hold. All ground to dust beneath my feet. But this had to be done. I needed to make this visit to test the state of my heart.

I was cold with anxiety as we crossed the bridge, past the gatehouse into the inner courtyard. My feelings for Edmund had seemed strong enough to last a lifetime. Would there not be some shimmer of memory here to assail me? I took a deep breath and prepared to have my confidence shattered.

Did Edmund tread on my hem of my gown? No, he did not. Did his voice echo in the corridors and audience chamber? Hardly at all. My heart continued to beat with a slow and steady purpose, and I laughed aloud.

I was cured. How cruel the heart, to lead a woman into thinking she loved a man when quite clearly she did not. I did not need love, I did not need marriage. I felt as if I had cast off an old, worn winter cloak to allow the summer breeze to refresh my skin. Oh, yes, I was cured.

We returned to Windsor where I acknowledged Warwick’s caustic stare and consigned to the flames Gloucester’s letter of admonition that I should have asked permission from the Lord Protector if I intended to jaunt about the country. I settled into a period of calm, soothing to mind and body, with nothing to disturb the serenity of the pool in which I existed. This was what I wanted, was it not? So why was it that the summer weeks dragged themselves past with wearisome slowness?

Distant voices, heavy in the humid air, snatched at our attention from the direction of the river. Male voices, loud, crude in tone, sliced through with laughter and groans and—I suspected from the words that carried to us—much rude blasphemy. Whatever the occasion, it was one of raucous enjoyment and nothing to instil fear into us. Besides, who would harm us, walking as we were within shouting distance of the castle?

With my damsels in close attendance, I continued along our chosen path to the bend in the Thames where it was pleasant to sit and catch a breeze, for we had settled into a period of intense heat. The voices became more distinct, more strident, so that I caught a grin passing between our two armed guards and a meeting of glances between Meg and Cecily.

‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘Some of the servants, I expect, my lady.’ Beatrice, fanning herself with a branch of leaves plucked from an over-hanging ash tree, was unmoved by the commotion. ‘The men swim in the river when it is hot.’ Her lip curled at the prospect of such wanton male behaviour. ‘You’d think they had nothing better to do.’

Splashing and bellowing continued ahead.

‘Perhaps we should turn back,’ I heard, sotto voce.

‘Perhaps we should go on!’

‘It might not be seemly…’

I had seen the gleam in their eyes, and understood since there was little to entertain them at Windsor. Or—the thought struck me as a burst of invective assaulted my ears—were they truly trying to protect my royal dignity from the sight of naked servants cavorting in the Thames? I would not be so tender, and I continued to walk steadily.

‘We will go on. I have seen a man unclothed before. I will not faint at the sight.’

We came to the riverbank, where it curved beside a willow with a vast spread of shallow roots, perfect for a shady resting place—and stopped.

‘There! As I said. Nothing better to do with their time!’ Beatrice looked down her elegant nose. ‘I still think we should go back.’

‘Not yet.’ I raised my hand to still them.

A handful of the castle servants were making the most of their escape from palace duties, either sitting on the rough, close-cropped grass where it sloped into the water or immersed in the river itself. It was the most inviting of stretches, the bank worn away to create a deep pool, ideal for swimming in summer, equally good for skating, as I knew, when the water froze in a wide, flat expanse.

Some of the men I recognised: there was my cup-bearer and my carver. Quite unaware of their audience, they were stripped to the waist as they lounged and slaked their thirst from pottery ewers. Some were entirely naked.

We stood, motionless, and gazed our fill at a sight to entice, so much male flesh slick with sun and water. My damsels were engaged, eyes keen as if a platter of gilded almonds had just been presented for their delectation.

‘So, if we are not to forswear all men, which one of these fine examples of manhood would we consider taking to our beds?’ Meg asked, her solemnity belied by a catch in her breath.

I looked round, to smile and reply to her. And my words dried in my mouth as one figure with a flex of muscle in thigh and shoulder pushed himself to his feet, to stand for a moment on the riverbank, turning his head to laugh at some ribald comment, then dived into the water with barely a ripple, skin gleaming as he moved through the water with speed and agility of a salmon. Emerging some yards further into the gentle flow, he stood, drops of water bright as diamonds on his shoulders and in his hair.

I inhaled slowly to fill my lungs.

Owen Tudor. Master of the Queen’s Household.

Water lapping around his waist, he raked his hair back from his face so that its black mass fell heavily onto his shoulders, the sparkling drops flung away into the sun in an arc of crystal. To my shame, I could not look away. I was enthralled, my gaze riveted, and I exhaled slowly as I had been holding my breath.

And all there was for me to do was to admire the physical attributes of a well-proportioned man, the flex of sinew and firm flesh, the definition of muscle that gave form to his chest and shoulders. And his face…Ah! I took another breath. His face was lit with such careless, unreserved joy, his eyes as dark as jet, his wet hair as polished as Venetian silk.

He was beautiful.

I realised that my loquacious damsels were silent around me.

‘Well,’ Lady Beatrice observed at last, breaking the spell.

But not for me. Not for me. For me, the spell had been irrevocably cast.

My Master of Household swam to the shallows, from where, unconscious of his lack of covering, he waded through the little wavelets. I discovered, dry-mouthed, that my eye, of its own volition, followed the line of black hair from chest to stomach and on. His belly was flat and taut, his thighs smooth with muscle. I was sorry when he scooped up and pulled on a pair of linen drawers to hide his masculinity—or perhaps it enhanced it, as the cloth clung damply. There was an exhalation around me.

This splendid man was so far from Master Owen Tudor who determined daily which dishes should be presented at my table. The dour, silent, stern Master Owen who ensured that the floors were swept and the candles replaced, who controlled the state of my finances and the quality of wine served in my parlour. How could clothing and a studied demeanour of cool discretion cover so much that was spectacularly attractive?

His smile struck a note in my chest, like the single toll of a bell.

‘The Queen!’

We had been detected.

The little group, to a man, scrambled for clothing, all attempting something resembling a bow, incongruous given their state of undress, but their expressions were not hard to read. They resented my presence, my interference in a time that should have been their own, and free from surveillance. Owen Tudor pulled a shirt over his head as if clothing could restore his position, as perhaps it did for it brought home to me that although I might admire, I should not have been there. I should not have stayed. It was demeaning for me to be spying, and equally for them to be spied upon. A breath of conscience undermined my innocent appreciation.

‘We will leave them to their leisure,’ I said, turning my back on the river and the unsettling figure of Owen Tudor, black hair dense as satin in the sun. ‘Their pleasures should not be a matter for our entertainment.’

‘More pleasures for us if we had stayed, my lady!’ Meg chuckled as we returned.

‘Yes, for you,’ I replied, surprised at the coldness of my tone. ‘But it would not be correct for me to stay.’

‘No, my lady, they would not want you there.’

It was a shock—although it should not have been. How could any Valois princess or English queen not be aware? But Meg’s light-hearted remark and the rapid reclothing of my servants had proclaimed the unbridgeable chasm that existed between me and those with whom I lived more clearly than any sermon preached at me about female decorum or the sanctity of royal blood. My damsels could have stayed and enjoyed the scene; and the men, sensing their admiration, would have appreciated the audience. But to be watched by the Queen Dowager? That was not the order of things. They were servants and I was anointed by God and holy oil. I had shared the King’s bed and now lived out my life in sacred chastity. It was not for me to peek and pry into their entertainments.

For men of rank, for Henry or Edmund Beaufort, it would have been accepted. They would have joined in, at sport or play. Men amongst men, the difference in status would have been swept aside in the competition or challenge of the moment. Even Young Henry, child as he was—they would have welcomed him, moderated their language and perhaps encouraged him to swim and play the man. But I was a woman, royally isolated, and my position sacrosanct, not far removed from that of the Virgin. I must be kept in a state of grace and innocence.

I retraced my steps, my damsels silent around me, striving to control an astonishing spurt of anger. Did they think I did not know the contours and specifics of a man’s body? How did they think I had conceived a child? I was a woman and had the desires and needs of any woman. But that would not be accepted. If I had ever thought my royal status would not matter, that I was simply another woman amongst my damsels, I had been shown to be entirely wrong.

There had been no mistake: when Owen Tudor had bowed low, his body once more shielded from my stare by seemly linen, it had been as if a mask had fallen into place, all his earlier vivacity quenched. He thought I had no right to be there, perhaps he even despised me for admitting to the needs of mortal women.

For what had he seen in my face? I had no skill in the art of dissimulation. Had he seen my naked desire? I shuddered that I might have revealed far too much, and as I strode back to the castle, where I might hide my flushed cheeks, I could not banish the image of him from my imagination. The line of thigh and leg, the curve of buttock and calf, the shimmering moisture caught in the dusting of dark hair on his chest, and I knew exactly what it was that had intoxicated me most in that little display of male power.

Henry, always royal, always the king, had been conscious of the impression he must make, knowing that I could only pay homage before his superb majesty. Edmund had been wilfully, magnificently seductive, intent on sweeping me off my feet, energised when I could do nothing but respond to him.

And Owen Tudor? Owen Tudor, even when he had known I was there, had had no desire at all to engage my emotions. But, by the Virgin, he had. My skin heated at the bright memory. And the horror, the shocking reality of it struck my breast with the force of a Welsh arrow.

No! No, no, no!

I would have covered my face with my hands if I had not been in the public eye. The words, repeated over and over again, beat in my head. I did not want this. I would not have it! Had I learned nothing from my experience with Henry? From my rapid falling in love with Edmund? Oh, I had learned, and learned bitterly. I would never again allow my heart and mind to be at the beck and call of any man. I would not have my will snatched from me by a futile desire to discover love.

This lust was no more than a physical attraction to a fine body and a well-moulded face. He was the Master of my Household, a man I had known for all the years of my widowhood. This was a wayward, immature emotion. Had I not proved that such superficial desire, however powerful in the moment, was quick to fade and die?

I marched back to the castle, furious with my own weakness. So much for my forswearing men. So much for my foolish drama with coloured silks. I had been hooked, like a carp from one of my own fish ponds, by the sight of a beautiful man rising from the waters of the Thames, a scene worthy of one of the romantic stories from the Morte D’Arthur, where women were invariable too silly for their own good and men too chivalrous to know when a woman desired more than a chaste kiss on her fingertips.

My women marched with me, uncomplaining, until, with a cry, Mary stumbled on the rough path and I moderated my speed. Flight was useless, since I could not escape my thoughts, or my sudden unfortunate obsession. Owen Tudor remained firmly implanted in my mind.

Was I really contemplating leaping into a liaison with Owen Tudor, my servant?

It is degrading. He is a servant. It is not a suitable liaison.

It might not be suitable, but I knew a craving to touch him, imagining what his arms might feel like around me. My cheeks were as hot as fire, my thighs liquid with longing, even as my heart ached with shame. Was this how I would spend my life? Lusting after servants because they were beautiful and young?

Returned to my parlour, I ordered Cecily to fetch wine and a lute. We would sing and read of true heroes. We would engage our minds in higher things. Perhaps even a page from my Book of Hours would direct my inappropriate thoughts into colder, more decorous channels. The Queen Dowager must be above earthly desires. She must be dull and unknowing of love and lust.

And if she was not?

Think of the gossip, I admonished myself, the words deliberately harsh to jolt myself into reality. If nothing else will drive Owen Tudor from your thoughts, think of the immediate repercussions. How could you withstand the talk of the Court with its vicious darts and sly innuendo? To succumb to my longings would brand me as a harlot more despicable than my mother. What was it that Gloucester had said of me? A woman unable to curb fully her carnal passions. A wanton child of Isabeau of Bavaria, the Queen of France, who everyone knew could not keep her hands and lips from seducing young men.

No, I could not bear the knowing looks from my damsels, the judgemental stares when I accompanied Young Henry to Court. My reputation, already tattered and shabby in some quarters, would be in rags. And would it not be so much worse if I looked at Owen? At least my mother, lascivious as she might well be, drew the line at seducing her servants.

Have you heard? The Queen Dowager has taken the Master of her Household to her bed. Do you suppose she persuades herself he is assessing the state of her bed linen?

I stifled a groan. How shaming. Gloucester would lock me in my bedchamber at Leeds Castle and drop the key into the river.

‘Are you well, Lady?’ Beatrice asked.

‘I am perfectly well,’ I croaked through dry lips.

‘It is very hot,’ she said, handing me a feather fan. ‘It will be cooler when the sun goes down.’

‘Yes. Yes, it will.’

I shivered uncomfortably in the heat, my cheeks flushed despite the breeze from the feverishly applied peacock feathers. If Beatrice knew what was in my mind, she would not be so compassionate.

‘Perhaps you have a fever, my lady,’ Meg suggested solicitously.

‘Perhaps I do.’

Fever! For that was what it was, a passing heat of no importance, I decided. I was victim of an unfortunate attack of lust, of base physical longing for a handsome man, brought on by the hot weather and a lack of something better for my mind to focus on. Such obsession died. It must. If it did not die of its own accord, I would kill it.

Out of sight, out of mind. Was that not the best remedy? At Gloucester’s command I travelled to Westminster with Young Henry, leaving my own household, and Owen Tudor, at Windsor. For a se’ennight I enjoyed the festivities, the bustle and noise of London. Every day I rejoiced in the sight of my little son growing more regal under Warwick’s tuition. I gloried in the fine dresses and even finer jewels, something I had forgotten in my quiet, retired existence.

And every day I erected bulwarks against any encroaching thoughts of Owen Tudor. I would not think of him. I did not need him. I smiled and danced and sang, laughed at the antics of the Court Fool. I would prove the shallowness of my attraction to the man who had ordered the details of my daily life since Henry’s death.

When I could exist a whole day in which he barely stepped into my mind, I sighed in relief at my achievements. My obsession was over. The wretched loneliness that fuelled my dreams was of no account. My infatuation was dead.

But we must, perforce, return to Windsor.

The hopeless futility of my plan was cast into bright relief not one hour after our return. My household met briefly for livery, the final mouthful of ale and bread at the end of the day and the giving out of candles. It was served under the eye of Master Tudor with the same precise and efficient self-containment that he showed in my company, whatever the task.

He handed me my candle. ‘Goodnight, my lady.’ The epitome of propriety and rectitude. ‘It is good to have you back with us.’

For me the air between us burned. Every breath I took was fraught with a longing to touch his fingertips as they held the candlestick. To brush against him as I handed back my cup. My absence had done nothing to quench my thirst.

‘May God and His Holy Saints watch over you, my lady,’ he said, with a final inclination of his head.

Did he feel nothing for me? Obviously not. He regarded me simply in the light of Queen Dowager.

But I recalled, as I shielded my candle from the draughts on my way to my bedchamber, that our eyes had met very much on a level. And at night the Welsh Master of my Household crept into my mind, even when I denied him access. He stalked through my dreams. With the coming of dawn I wept at my frustration.

How could this be, that I desired him, when he showed no awareness of me as a woman? I railed at the unfairness of it, even as I despised my inability to deny him.

Dismiss him! a whisper flitted through my thoughts.

I could not contemplate it.

I tried not to watch Owen Tudor. I tried not to let my eyes track his progress across the Great Hall—much as Young Henry’s gaze fixed on the approach of his favourite dish of thick honey and bread purée at the end of a feast. I tried not to be aware of the explicit contours of his body beneath his impeccable clothing.

It was impossible. Whether he was clad in dark damask and jewelled chain for a feast or his habitual plain wool and leather when we dined informally, I knew the slide of muscle beneath his skin, the whole line and form of him. Owen Tudor had taken up residence, a thorn in my heart.

I found myself searching through the little I knew of him. How long had he run my affairs now? Six years, I supposed, but since he had not been of my choice, I had paid little heed to him and knew nothing of his family or background. Recipient of the patronage of Sir Walter Hungerford, steward of Henry’s own household, Master Tudor had been in France in Henry’s entourage when I was first wed.

After Henry’s death, when my entire household was composed of Henry’s people, he had been appointed Master of Household. All I knew was that he undertook his role to perfection without any interference from me: he had learned his skills from a master of the art.

But what did I know of him as a man? Nothing. I knew nothing except that if I gave an order, it was carried out promptly and without fuss—and sometimes it seemed before I had even voiced my desire. I acknowledged that in all those years we had not exchanged more than a dozen words that did not deal with a request or the carrying out of it. I was mortified that I had so little knowledge of a man who had served me intimately.

Yet now I yearned for more than impeccable and aloof service from him.

How could I degrade myself so, following a servant with longing in my eyes, like a lovesick hound pining for its absent master? I turned away smartly, heading for the stair to my accommodations as he stretched to aid a young kitchen servant to replace candles in one of the sconces, laughing down at her when she fumbled and dropped one.

My throat was dry, as if parched by a long drought. Had I been dwelling in a desert all my life? Why had this fire been lit by something so basic as the deep note of male laughter that tripped along my skin?

This is no better than you being carried along into the embrace of Edmund Beaufort. Have you learned nothing, Katherine?

But this was not like my falling into love with Edmund Beaufort at all. Edmund had set out to charm me, to win me with gifts and extravagances, to lure me with conversation and ridiculous exhibitions of high spirits that had made me forget my age and my rank so that I had thought I was a young girl again and free to indulge my senses. I had been tempted and enticed, bewitched. I had been captivated so that I had been unable to see the dross of raw ambition beneath the gilded surface.

Owen Tudor did not set out to charm me at all. Rather it seemed to me that his prime desire was to repel me. Whatever I said, whenever I found the need to speak with him, never had he been so reserved, never had his conversations been so clipped and brief. He must have seen my interest, I decided, and was now intent on destroying it, for his sake and mine. I must presume that he was more discerning than I, for his ability to keep me at arm’s length was truly comprehensive. Was every woman as driven to embrace misery as I, when faced with a man who had no desire for her?

And I knew in some strange manner, in a moment of blinding clarity one morning as I rose from my restless bed, what the fever was that persisted in tormenting me. Not physical desire with its raw urgency. Not a need for admiration and affection, or response to a courtly seduction. I had not wanted this, I had not sought this, but against all wisdom I had fallen disastrously in love. It was like falling down a shaft into a bottomless well.

How could I live like this? Loving but unloved for ever?

Dismiss him!

I shrank from it, from never seeing him again.

‘Is there a remedy to quench a woman’s ardour, Guille?’ I asked, not caring when her brows rose.

‘They do say that to rub an ointment of mouse droppings will do it.’

I turned my face away from her regard. I would live with the desire, unrequited as it would always be, and the pain of it. My rejection of men had been a sham, a mockery of the truth, for how could a woman of youth and hot blood think herself capable of living out her life without a man? I burned for him, but in the flames a tiny spark of rebellion was ignited.

I knew what I must do. My mother had given in to her lusts: her daughter would not. I would play out my role of Queen Dowager with all the sobriety and dignity expected of me. Master Tudor’s dismissal was not necessary because I would never seek out Owen Tudor, even if in my heart I loved him. On my knees, I vowed that it would be so.

And then he touched me.

I had noticed that he never did. Not that a servant would touch a Queen without her invitation, but on that one occasion, neither of his making or mine, he held me.

It was one of those impromptu, merry moments when Warwick decided that it was well past time that Young Henry was introduced to the art of dancing. We used the large chamber after supper; the trestles cleared, the servants, the minstrels, pages and my damsels all commandeered to produce an opportunity for dancing. Simple stuff within the limited skills of the youngest and most inexperienced present: processions and round dances, their rustic naïvety guaranteed to appeal to the young.

My pages applied themselves with energy, and Young Henry loved it, but I swear there was never a more ill-co-ordinated child than my eight-year-old son. How could he wield a pen with such skill, how could he learn his texts, yet find it impossible to plant his feet with any degree of care or exactitude? His enthusiasm knew no bounds but his ability to follow a beat or a set of simple steps was woeful.

‘He is very young,’ Warwick observed. ‘But he must learn.’

Young Henry leapt. He capered. He could not process with stately presence for more than three steps together. Warwick hid his despair manfully and withdrew from the affray. I adopted stalwart patience and took my place in the circling procession. My damsels and my pages adopted avoidance tactics.

Young Henry tried again with awkward diligence until, in a lively round dance, losing his balance and his hold on his partner, he fell against me, standing on my skirts so that I too stumbled. Young Henry sprawled on the floor with a crow of laughter, I floundered, struggling not to follow him, and a firm hand grasped my arm. I was held upright against a solid body.

I looked up, laughter catching me, about to offer my thanks. And any remaining breath I had was driven from my lungs. My whole body stiffened.

‘You will not fall.’

No polite usage. Simply a statement of fact.

How close we were, our breath mingling, so close that I could see my reflection in his eyes. His hand slid down my arm to close round my fingers. And his voice, with all those soft and musical Welsh cadences, stroked over my skin like a fur mantle.

‘You are quite safe, my lady,’ Owen Tudor said, when I was struck dumb. ‘And your son has taken no hurt.’

My thoughts were not on Young Henry. My thoughts were on his palm against mine, his fingers coolly wrapped around mine, his other hand solid on my waist to give me support against the drag of my skirts under Young Henry’s weight. My thoughts were centred on the heat that leapt in my belly and spread to every inch of my skin.

Could he not feel it? Could he not sense the flames that licked over me? His hand was cool, but mine seemed to be as hot as the blood that beat heavily in my throat. Was he himself untouched by this urgent demand that pulsed through me like a stream in spate? Surely he could not mistake it? I felt my face flush from chin to hairline as embarrassment engulfed me, and, worst of all, my tongue refused to form any words to release the tension. My gaze was caught in his and I couldn’t think of a single word to say…

My damsels swooped in like a flock of maternal chickens to rescue Young Henry. Warwick strolled forward to deliver some advice, but I was held fast in a fine net of pure desire.

‘Can you stand, my lady?’ Owen Tudor murmured.

‘Yes,’ I managed. And as I opened my mouth to attempt some formal gratitude for my rescue, he released me, his hands sliding away as if he had been caught in some misdemeanour. Immediately he turned from me to help to pick up my laughing son from the floor, and I was standing alone. The whole seemed to me to last a lifetime. In truth it was less than the time it took to snuff out the flame of a candle.

Had anyone noticed his act of chivalry? Had anyone noticed my reaction? I think they had not. It was decided that Young Henry had enjoyed enough activity that night, and he was escorted to his bed and his prayers. The rest of my household sank into exhaustion and gossip. It had been, all in all, a good evening.

But as I sipped a cup of wine and ate the evening bread, I shivered at the memory of Owen Tudor’s hands holding me, preventing me from falling.

‘You are tense tonight, my lady,’ Guille observed as she removed my girdle and untied the laces of my houppelande.

‘Yes.’ I laughed softly. ‘Weary, I think. My son is not a natural dancer.’

The thick damask slid to the floor and I stepped out of it, lifting my arms so that Guille could attack the side lacing of my under-tunic.

‘You dance well, my lady,’ she said, head bent over her task.

I would like to dance with Owen Tudor. The thought slid into my mind, followed fast by another. He can never be for you. You will never dance together.

I considered this. He is a man who, for some reason I cannot define, speaks to my heart.

I did not like the reply, which came in a style of forthright Alice. You cannot wed such a man.

Who speaks of marriage?

You would take your Master of Household as your lover? The denunciation rubbed my emotions raw.

How should I? He has no feelings for me.

So why bother thinking about him at all? He has touched your hand once…

And my waist! I added.

And dropped you like a hot pan. You are a fool, Katherine.

I scowled at the invisible Alice. So I was. I glanced down at Guille.

And don’t even think about asking Guille what she thinks about the whole miserable affair. Unless you want your household marvelling at the antics of their queen, you will not say a single word.

I will if I wish.

I looked back over my shoulder to where Guille was still struggling with a knotted lace, huffing at her inability to loosen it. Her head was bent, her attention focused.

‘Guille, in your opinion, would it be very wrong of a woman of rank to…?’ This was more than difficult. ‘To wish to speak alone with a servant?’

Guille looked up, brows as knotted as the lace, then lowered her regard to her task again.

‘I’d say it depends, my lady.’

‘On what does it depend?’

‘On what this lady of rank wishes to say to her servant. And to which servant she wishes to say it. If it was to give instructions for a banquet or a journey…’

‘And if it was more of a personal matter?’ It was like wading through thick pottage, choosing the least guilt-ridden words. ‘Would it ever be right?’

‘No, my lady. I don’t think it would.’

‘So it would be wrong.’

There! I told you it would be.

‘It might give rise to gossip, my lady.’

‘Yes.’ I sighed. ‘It would be foolhardy in the extreme.’

‘But still you wish to meet with Master Tudor?’

She stood, the knot untied, her question leaving me directionless. Had I been so obvious, when I had tried so hard to preserve at least a modicum of dignity?

‘Does everyone talk of it?’ I whispered.

‘No, my lady. But I know you well, and I see what you would wish to remain hidden.’

‘It is true,’ I admitted. I would dance around it no more. ‘I join the ranks of many. How foolish women can be!’ I plunged the dagger further into my flesh, into my heart. ‘Does he have a special woman, Guille?’

‘Not one, my lady.’ Guille’s mouth pursed but her eyes twinkled.

I laughed, picking up her implication. ‘So many.’

‘As many as he smiles on. He has great charm.’

But he did not use it with me. I was his royal mistress, he was my minion. ‘So you like him too?’ I asked.

‘I would not refuse if he invited me to share his kisses,’ Guille said, not at all abashed. ‘It must be the Welshness in him.’

‘So it must.’

‘Your rank stands in the way of such knowledge, my lady.’

‘I know it does.’

But I could not leave it alone.

Oh, the excuses I made to hold conversation with him—for I could not be direct. I was never a bold woman. How appalled I was at my subterfuge when I found myself drawn to him, like a rabbit to the cunning eyes of the hunting stoat. Yet Owen Tudor was no predator. My desire was of my own creation.

‘Master Tudor—I wish to ride out with my son the King. Perhaps you would accompany us?’

‘I will arrange for the horses, my lady. An armed escort would be better,’ he replied promptly, my judgement obviously found wanting in his eye. ‘I will arrange that too.’

And he did, being there in the courtyard to see that all was as it should be. But when I needed a helping hand into the saddle—what woman did not, hampered with yards of heavy damask and fur?—he kept his distance, instructing one of the young grooms to come to my aid. When we returned, there was Master Tudor awaiting us, but the same groom helped me to dismount.

How to provoke a reaction—any reaction—from an unresponsive man?

‘Master Tudor. My rooms are cold. Are we lacking in wood? Have you made no provision for this turn in the weather?’ How unkind I was.

‘There is no lack, my lady,’ he replied, his tone as caustic as the east wind that gusted through the ill-fitting windows. ‘I will remedy the matter immediately.’ He bowed and stalked off, no doubt irritated that I had called his organisation into question. It was August, when fires were rarely lit. I refused to feel remorse.

And again. ‘My son is old enough to own a falcon, Master Owen. Can we arrange that?’ Surely he would show some interest in hunting birds. Did not every man?

‘It shall be done, my lady. Your falconer will, I imagine, have a suitable raptor. I will speak with him immediately and send him to wait on you.’

Or even, with a smile and light request: ‘Do you sing, Master Owen? I understand that Welshmen are possessed of excellent voices. Perhaps you would sing for us?’

‘I do not sing, my lady. Your minstrels would make a better job of it. Do I send one to you?’

No response other than a denial. Always courteous, always efficient, always as distant as the moon and as unresponsive as a plank of wood. I failed to rouse any response other than that of an immaculate servant who knew his position and the courtesy due to his lady. I imagined that if I had said, ‘Master Owen—would you care to share my bed for an hour of dalliance? Of even chivalrous discourse? Or perhaps an afternoon of blazing lust?’ he would have replied: ‘My thanks, my lady, but today is not possible. It is imperative that the sewers are flushed out before the winter frosts.’

Calm, cool, infinitely desirable—and utterly beyond my reach.

I tapped my fingers against the arm of my chair as we dined. It was like trying to lure a conversation out of the untouched stuffed pigeon in the dish in front of me. Bowing again, the Master turned to go. Not once had he raised his eyes to mine. They remained deferentially downcast, yet not, I thought, in acknowledgement of his status as one employed in my household. I did not think, after watching him for the past hour, that he gave even a passing nod to the fact that he held a servile position. I thought Master Tudor might have a surprising depth of arrogance beneath that thigh-skimming dark tunic. He carried out his tasks as a king in his own country, with ease and a certainty of his powers. He was…I sought for the word. Decorous. Yes, that was it: he owned a refined polish that overlaid all his actions.

I would discover what invisible currents moved beneath the courtly reserve.

‘Master Tudor.’

‘Yes, my lady?’ He halted and turned.

A breath of irritation shivered over my nape. I would make him look at me, but what could I say that would not make me appear either foolish or too particular? ‘I am thinking, Master Tudor, of making changes to my household.’

‘Yes, my lady?’ There he stood, infuriatingly straight and numbingly deferential, as if I had asked him to summon my page.

‘I have been thinking of making changes to those who serve me.’

His features remained unyielding as I rose from my chair and stepped down from the dais so that I stood before him.

‘Are you quite content in your position here, Master Tudor?’ I asked.

And at last, finally, Master Tudor’s eyes looked directly into mine.

‘Are you dissatisfied with my service to you, my lady?’ he asked softly.

‘No. That was not my meaning. I thought that perhaps you might choose to serve the Young King instead. Now that he is growing, he will need an extended household. It would be a promotion. It would allow more scope for a man of your talents.’

I stopped on a breath, awaiting his response. Still he held my gaze, and with no hint of self-abasement he replied: ‘I am quite content with my present position, my lady.’

‘But my household is small, and will remain so, with no opportunity for preferment for you.’

‘I do not seek preferment. I am yours to command. I am content.’

I let him go, infuriated by his demeanour, angry at my own need.

‘Give me your opinion of Master Tudor,’ I said to Alice when she visited my rooms one morning with Young Henry, who was immediately occupied in turning the pages of the book he had brought with him.

‘Owen Tudor? Why do you need my opinion, my lady?’ she asked, folding her hands neatly in her lap, and with something of a sharp look, as if settling herself for a good gossip.

‘I think I have underestimated him,’ I replied lightly. ‘Is he as efficient as he seems?’

‘He is an excellent man of management,’ Alice replied without hesitation, but her expression was disconcertingly bland. ‘You could do no better.’

I considered what I wished to say next. What I ought, or ought not, to say.

‘And what do you think of him, as a man?’

Alice’s smile acquired an edge. ‘I’d say he knows too much about flirtation than is good for any man. He could lure a bat down from its roost with his singing.’

‘He does not talk to me,’ I admitted sadly. ‘He does not sing to me.’

I knew he was not always unapproachable. I had seen his ease of manner, smiling when the maids passed a coy remark, making light conversation with one or another of my household. Neither was he slow to come to the aid of even the clumsiest of servants. I had seen him leap to rescue a subtlety—a device of a tiger, accompanied by a mounted knight holding the tiger’s cub, all miraculously contrived from sugar—the work of many hours and much skill in my kitchens—with no remonstration other than a firm hand to a shoulder of the page who had not paid sufficient attention. My cook would have laid the lad out with a fist to the jaw if he had seen the near-catastrophe, but Owen Tudor had made do with an arch of brow and a firm stare.

As for the women…Once I saw him slide a hand over a shapely hip as he passed, and the owner of the hip smile back over her shoulder, eyes bright in anticipation, and I knew jealousy, however ill founded.

‘Owen Tudor knows his place, my lady.’

I read the implication in the plain words. ‘Do you think that I do not?’

And Alice reached forward to touch my hand with hers. ‘It will not do, my lady.’

I thought of launching into a denial. Instead, I said, ‘Am I so obvious?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh.’ And I thought I had been so clever. ‘What if…?’ But I could not say it. What if I were not Queen Dowager? In the end I did not need to—Alice knew me only too well.

‘You are too far above him, my lady. Or he is too far below you. It comes to the same thing—and you must accept that.’ She frowned at me, a little worried, a little censorious. ‘And it would be wise if your thoughts were not quite so open.’

‘I did not think I was…’

Alice sat back, refolding her hands. ‘Then how is it that I can read your interest in this man, as clearly as the page your son is reading now?’

I gave up, and we turned our conversation into more innocuous channels. Until she left.

‘He is a fine man. But he is not for you.’

Her wisdom was a knife with a honed edge.

‘I never thought that he was.’

‘There is a way, my lady,’ Guille whispered in my ear as I dressed for Mass the next morning.

‘To do what exactly?’ Regretful of what I had revealed, ill grace sat heavily on my shoulders, exacerbated by the knowledge that I would have to make some confession to Father Benedict.

‘To meet with Master Owen.’

‘I have changed my mind.’

‘Perhaps that’s for the best, my lady.’ She began to brush and coil my hair. I watched her face, waiting to see if she would say more. She didn’t, but busied herself with the intricate mesh of my crispinettes and a length of veil lavishly decorated with silk rose petals.

‘What would you suggest?’

‘That you meet him in disguise, my lady.’

‘And how would you suggest that I do that?’ I asked. Had I not, in my fanciful meanderings in my dreams, already considered such a scenario—and discarded it as a plan that could only be composed by an idiot? Temper bubbled ominously.

‘The only way I can see is for me to dress as a servant and waylay him—he talks to servants, does he not? But how would that be possible? He would recognise me. Do I have to meet him in a dark cupboard, my face swathed in veiling? Do I have to be mute? He would recognise my voice. And even if I did accost him as some swathed figure, what would I say to him? Kiss me, Master Owen, or I will fall into death from desire? And by the way, I am Queen Katherine!’ I laughed but there was no humour in it.

‘He would despise me for tricking him, for the shallow woman that I undoubtedly am, and that I could not bear. What’s more, I would look nothing more than a wanton. Am I not already suspect, that I am too rapacious, too caught up in sins of the flesh?’ I stood, too agitated to sit, and prowled, my petal-covered veils still half-pinned.

‘I suppose my lord of Gloucester would say that.’

‘Of course he would. And not only Gloucester. What would my damsels say? The Queen Dowager, clothing herself as a kitchen maid, to waylay a hapless servant who had no wish to be waylaid? It would be demeaning for me and for him. I’ll not have trickery. I’ll not lay myself open to ridicule and humiliation.’

‘Forgive me, my lady.’

Instantly remorse shook me, so that I returned to where Guille stood and placed my fingers on her wrist. ‘No. It is I who should ask forgiveness.’ I tried a smile. ‘I have no excuse for ill humour. I promise I will confess it.’

‘Do you care what Lady Beatrice says, my lady?’ Guille asked after a moment of uncomfortable reflection for both of us.

I thought about that. ‘No, I don’t think I do. But I would not court infamy.’

‘Some would say better infamy than a cold, lonely bed. Try him, my lady.’

‘I cannot.’

‘I can arrange it. I can make an assignation for you.’

‘It is not possible. We will forget this conversation, Guille. I am ashamed.’

‘Why should a woman be ashamed that she desired a handsome man?’

‘She should not—but when the handsome man has no feelings for her, and his birth and situation put him far beyond her grasp, then she must accept the inevitable.’

‘His birth has no influence on her female longings.’

This offered no answer to my dilemma. What do I do, Michelle? I received no reply. I was alone to trace my uncertain path through an impossible maze.

Dismiss him!

Before God, I could not.