The Grass Widow's Tale

CHAPTER XIV

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In the back of the police car, speeding south down the A.73 south of Cumbernauld New Town, Bunty and Luke sat all but silent, shoulder to shoulder as on the white wicker settee in Louise Alport’s devastated living-room.

“How am I ever going to face the Alports?” Luke had said, looking round his battle-field despairingly from the weary vantage-point of victory. “Louise will kill me!” So soon do words resume their normal easy and unthinking meaning. And Bunty had consoled him. “They’ll forgive you! On this story they can dine out for life!”

“Your husband’s on the line, Mrs. Felse,” said the driver. “He’s through Kendal now, it won’t be long. We’ll run off and rendezvous with him at Lockerbie.” And to the radio he said cheerfully: “You know the King’s Arms, in High Street? They’ve got no parking space, but at this hour there’ll be room in the street.”

“He’ll find it,” said Bunty.

“You want to speak to him, Mrs. Felse?”

“Just give him my love,” she said.

“Your boy’s coming on now, ma’am. He says you cost him twenty-two bob for flowers, and they’ll be dead before you see them.”

“Tell him half a bottle of Cognac would have kept better.”

“He says no Cognac, but there’s a bottle of Riccadonna Bianca, though you don’t deserve it.”

She laughed, and her eyes gushed tears suddenly and briefly. Luke had never seen her in tears. There was always a new snare, a fresh, impossible attraction. Of course, they were crazy for her, those two men of hers rushing north to meet her because waiting was impossible. There would never be anyone like her, never, never, never. And now there wasn’t much time left for him, he could feel the minutes slipping through his fingers like sand, and there was so much to say, so much that he wanted to say properly before he lost her for ever, so much he knew would never be said. There was the police driver, sitting there in front of them impersonal and incurious, but human. And nothing must ever be said of love, however love crowded his thoughts and made his heart faint.

It was enough, in a way, that she had invited him to go south with her. Naturally she was free to go, and naturally she wanted to reach her family as soon as possible, and return home with them; but he had still certain charges hanging over him, and he could have been held, had not she expressly asked to have him with her, and even punctiliously invited him to go with her, as if he could deny her anything, as if he would willingly have parted with her a moment sooner than he needed. It was enough because it meant that what had happened between them had a validity of its own, present and eternal, for her as well as for him. And in the car, between their few exchanges, she had slept confidingly against his shoulder, even nestled into the shelter of his diffident arm, and settled her cheek against his breast. The journey north, with death on his back and a gun in his hand ready for her, was only twenty-four hours past.

“I could stay,” he said haltingly. “In Lockerbie, I mean. There’d surely be a room for me, this time of year. I mean, you’ll want… your family… they’ll want you to themselves…”

“Don’t be silly!” said Bunty warmly. “You’re coming with us. Didn’t I say I wasn’t going home till I could take you with me?”

“I’m not much of a trophy,” he said, and could not keep all the bitterness out of his tone.

“You’re not a trophy. You’re my co-victor. Without you there’s no triumph, and I need a triumph. My family are very critical.”

“I can imagine,” he said, racked with unwilling laughter. And in a moment, very seriously indeed: “You know there are still several counts against me.”

“I don’t think anybody’s going to be interested in throwing the book at you now,” she said, yawning into his sleeve like a sleepy child. “Not after what we’re bringing them.” It still turned his heart over in a transport of joy and humility when she said “we.”

“I don’t mind. I shan’t complain. Bunty,” he said shyly, “you’re happy, you’ve got everything. Why were you sad? When you came into the ‘Orion’, why were you so sad?”

She looked back at that moment with some astonishment, it seemed now so alien and so far away.

“Sometimes being happy doesn’t seem enough. I was alone, and I’d stopped being young, and suddenly I didn’t know where I was going or what I was for. It was you,” she said, without calculation, “who cured me.”

“I did? But I… I don’t see,” he said, trembling, “how I can have been much comfort or reassurance to you!”

“I didn’t want to be comforted or reassured! I wanted to be used! You had a use for me. Me! Not my husband’s wife or my son’s mother. Me, Bunty!”

She felt his helpless adoration in the devoted stillness of his body and the agonised tenderness of the arm that held her, and she thought: Poor Luke! No, lucky Luke! Everything rounded off firmly and finally for him, no letdowns afterwards, no waking up gradually to the fact that I’m nearly old enough to be his mother, and it’s beginning to show more grossly every year. No rejections, and no disillusionments. Here he has me for ever. And for ever—no, not young, perhaps, but never more than forty-one! And brave and loyal and good, everything he wants to believe me. When I need that reference to forward to the gods, I shall know where to apply.

“All my life,” she said, inspired, “I shall remember you and be grateful to you.”

And he, who had all this time been crying in his heart how he would remember her always, and with eternal gratitude and love, was so disarmed and so perfectly fulfilled by her taking the words out of his heart that he never missed the word she had omitted. So that it did not matter, in the end, that she should wonder whether she had done well to avoid the mention of love. It was not the only word in the language; and as one of the most misused, it was thankful, now and again, for reticence and silence.

She was asleep in his arm when the car ran off the dual carriage-way and wound its way into the small, handsome town, half asleep at the end of Sunday. The car from the south was there before them, Luke saw the two men standing beside it, heads up, eyes alertly roving, waiting for them to arrive. In the beam of headlights the two faces burned out of the darkness eager, intent, impatient, as was only proper when they were waiting for Bunty; and as the car that brought her to them slipped smartly into a vacant parking spot beside the kerb, Luke saw them both smooth away the residue of wild anxiety out of their eyes, and the tension of longing out of their faces. There is a certain duty to take old love easily, even when it scalds.

Luke put a finger under Bunty’s chin and gently raised her face, and she awoke with eyes wide open, and smiled at him as if he had always been there, and then, remembering, grew grave, because she knew he wasn’t going to be there much longer. She had too much sense to try to turn him into a family friend, or even offer him a bed for the night in the house where she belonged to someone else. No, he would go, and not look back; he was wise, too. And even for her it was going to be a kind of amputation, another little death.

“Wake up,” said Luke, “we’re here in Lockerbie. And look who’s waiting for you.”

She looked, and there was George already leaning to open the door of the car for her, and his smile was muted, indulgent and a shade superior, the smile every married man keeps for the unpredictable idiot who lives somewhere within his sensible wife. Marriage is a round-dance as well as a sacrament.

Bunty slid her feet out to the pavement, and stepped into her husband’s arms, as simply as if he had been meeting her train after a shopping expedition to London. This is how it’s done, Luke thought, watching. If you’re clever, this is how it’s done. The panic being over, and the fear gone, why exclaim? Why startle and shake the assured equilibrium of a relationship on which the foundations of three lives rest? And why express what is already known, valued, impregnable? Not to say inexpressible! No affectation, no fuss, no explanations. If they ever talked about the fearful truths of that week-end it would be afterwards, in tranquillity, walking softly to shake no hearts. But it did not mean that the hearts had not been shaken. Luke saw George’s face over his wife’s shoulder, as he held her briefly in his arms, and there was no question after that of Bunty being under-valued. George knew what he’d got, all right.

“You’re a fine one,” he said, kissing her roundly. “So you don’t mix with dangerous types who carry guns! Talk about famous last words!”

She kissed him back joyfully. “Did you have a nice trip, dear?” she said wickedly.

“No, I did not!” He took his hands from her slowly. Their delight in her wholeness cried aloud, and their reluctance to relinquish her even to Dominic, who stood waiting his turn. “My man was a dead loss. A perfectly respectable person who didn’t know him has put him miles away from our job. And the next thing I knew, Dom was on the line demanding to know what I’d done with you.”

“It’s all in the family,” said Bunty largely. “You don’t have to go on north to pick up the pieces, do you?”

“No. This one Duckett’s finishing off himself. My only orders are to take you two safely home.”

Bunty turned to offer her cheek for Dominic’s dutiful kiss. The boy—he was absurdly like her—was less practised in carrying the burden. He hugged her fiercely all the time he was saying, in his best throw-away manner: “Many happy returns of yesterday, Mummy! How was the fishing?” The hazel eyes, the image of her own, were devouring her hungrily and jealously with every word, but the voice was all right.

“You mean it’s still Sunday? It seems to have lasted for ever.”

Luke had got out of the car, and was standing well back from a ceremony in which he conceived he had no part. But it seemed that Bunty thought differently, for she turned back to him, smiling, holding George by the hand.

“And here’s Luke. He’s heading home for Comerbourne, too, the police had to hang on to his car for the time being.”

Luke never wanted to see that car again, though he had loved it in its time. When it was released he would get some dealer to remove it, and get rid of it, perhaps even forget it some day.

“You won’t mind if Luke and I collar the back seat, will you?” said Bunty, looking appreciatively at the large black police car George had borrowed for the sake of its radio. “We haven’t had much rest over the week-end, we’re probably going to sleep all the way home.”

We! God bless her for that “we ” that bound him to her even now, for the little while they had left before normality set in.

“Hallo, Luke!” said George gravely. “You seem to have been doing my job for me… even to bringing my wife back safely. Thank you!”

Luke looked from the smiling dark face to the two linked hands, that fitted together with so much passion and so deep a calm, and he suddenly saw in them the whole essence of this marriage, no, of marriage entire. He thought it would be worth waiting and hunting through half a lifetime to find another hand that would fit into his like that.

When he shook hands with George, it was like touching Bunty again, they were so deeply one. What Bunty had given to Luke he couldn’t begin to appraise. What they gave him now between them was a dazzling promise. It seemed this union was possible. If it had happened once, it could happen again. Even in this measure. Even, some day, to him?

Bunty awoke towards morning with a soft, alarmed cry of: “Luke!” stretching out her arm protectively over George’s wakeful body. All night he had lain beside her and watched her exhausted sleep, and learned by heart, even in moderate moonlight, the shadows that marked her face, the memories of things lived through and still not put away. He could wait; he must wait. She had told no more than the half, the rest she would tell when the right time came. He cupped her cheek in his hand and soothed her fully awake, to end her distress.

She folded her arm over him more closely, caressing his neck, and even in the darkness of his shoulder he felt her smile.

“I love you!” she said in a deep sigh. There are times to mention love, as there are times to take it for granted, and keep silent.

“Did you love him,” said George gently, stroking back the tangled brown hair from her forehead.

“It depends,” said Bunty after due thought, “on what you mean by love.”

This is an acid test, if ever there was one. Forget the narrow, deep confines of marriage, so exclusive and so profound, and what do you mean by love?

“I mean,” said George, moistening his lips in awe, “whatever it is that makes it possible to achieve a complete human contact with another person, maybe only for three minutes on a crowded bus. I mean the thing, whatever it is, that suddenly makes you move in on somebody else’s need, and strike clean through conventions into their hearts, so that there’ll always be a link between you, even if you never meet or even think of each other again. I mean the communicated warmth that keeps people alive, the most universal and generous thing there is, not the narrowest. Not sexual love, not married love, not platonic love, not filial love, nothing that has to be qualified—the absolute. I mean love, love!”

She lay beside him for a long while in stillness and silence, he began to think she had fallen asleep again, and this time without dreams. But presently she turned to him impulsively, and wound her arm about him with a sharp, sweet sigh of fulfilment, and embraced him with all her might.

“Then, yes,” said Bunty, “I loved him.”

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[scanned anonymously in a galaxy far far away]

[A 3S Release— v1, html]

[July 22, 2007]