The Guards

Sutton

My time in Ballinasloe, I thought of a hundred things. Most of a depressive nature. The roads not less travelled but blindly staggered upon. People who’d been kind to me and I had abused so very badly.

A reckless disregard for the feelings of others. Oh yeah. I had a shitload of guilt. Add a dash of remorse and gallons of self-pity, you had the classic alcoholic in all his tarnished glory.

Outside, I dealt with this baggage through drink. Just blot those suckers way on out. Numb the pain. The paradox being that each fresh numbness trailed fresh damage in its wake.

Behold a pale rider, tanked to the gills.

The first few hospital days, the time of detox, you were encouraged to drink lots of water. Flush those toxins away. I could do that. You had a blood test to calculate the damage to kidneys and liver. Mine had taken a fine hammering. Daily shots of multivitamins to drag the system screaming back to health. Librium of course. Then my favourite, a sleeper for those nights. The night holding the most terror for the alky.

Did I dream? You betcha. But not any of the predictables.

Not

my dead father

dead friends

dead life

No.

I dreamt of Sutton.

Our friendship had been instant. One of those inexplicable bondings that defy analysis. I was a young guard, green as cabbage in most things. He was then a grizzled barman, veteran of numerous skirmishes, real and imaginary. Even now, I’m unsure of his nationality, his age, his background.

They changed as often as the pubs we prowled. Over numerous sessions, he told me he’d been, variously

A soldier

entrepreneur

painter

criminal

There was a kernel of truth in each telling, but the details shifted and swayed so often you could never nail down one particular fact.

He was your true chameleon. Blending into whatever surrounding he’d then selected. When I met him, he’d a full-blown northern accent. Could sound like Ian Paisley as easily as Eamonn McCann.

Now that’s impressive, not to mention frightening.

I once heard him mimic Bernadette Devlin to an eerie degree.

When he moved to Galway, he’d the accent down in a week. You’d swear he’d never been past Tuam.

None of this set off any warning bells to me. I believed it made him fascinating.

Because I was essentially deaf, to the important things, because I was young...

because

because

because

Because maybe I didn’t want to acknowledge his darkness, I let a whole series of signposts slide by me.

From the off, he’d been upfront about the violence. Had told me of bar fights when he’d near murdered his opponents, adding,

“Know what, Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“I regret it.”

“Well, it sometimes gets out of hand.”

“Fuck, no, I don’t mean that. I regret I didn’t kill the bastards.”

I laughed it off.

My time off was erratic. As the “troubles” flared, ignited, I could pull duty for forty-eight hours at a stretch. But no matter when my breaks came, Sutton would stop work, and off we’d roar on the batter.

One memorable Saturday night/Sunday morning, we’d drunk long and hard in a shebeen on the Lower Falls. The palpable air of danger and gunsmoke only heightened the rush. I swear you could taste cordite in the pints. Sutton’s face was glowing; he said,

“Man, this is it, the absolute best it gets.”

From that trip, I still have a hand-carved two foot harp. Made by the inmates of Long Kesh. I must have heard “The Men Behind The Wire” a hundred times.

Washing down creamy pints with golden shots of Bushmills, Sutton leant over to me, perspiration rolling off his face, said,

“Isn’t this it, Jack?”

“It’s hopping all right.”

“You know what would be the trip?”

“Tell me.”

“To kill some bastard.”

“What!”

“Yeah... just to waste some cunt.”

“What?”

He pulled back, pinched me on the shoulder, said,

“Only messing... you need to lighten up, Jack.”

Such moments had happened over the years. I’d swept them under the carpet of empty bottles and monumental hangovers.

Odd times, I got the uneasy feeling he hated me. Could never nail it down and dismissed it as the product of the drink paranoia.

One evening, I was waiting for him at a pub in Newry. I usually had a book hidden on my person, snatching a read at opportune moments. I was thus engrossed when I heard,

“Jesus, Taylor, always with the books.”

I moved to put it away, but he grabbed it, read the title “The Hound of Heaven” said,

“Francis Thompson, eh?”

“You know it?”

He put back his head, recited,

“I fled him down the nights and down the days...”

I nodded and he said,

“He died roaring.”

“What?”

“It’s how alkies go, they die roaring.”

“Jesus.”

Whenever misgivings arose, I shut them down. Drilled into my mind — “He’s my friend. Anyway, who’s perfect?”

The library in Ballinasloe was closed. For renovations. My days were spent in OT. A basket of tiny springs on the table. My job, to fit them into biros.

Rest of the time, I gulped Librium, tried to avoid Bill and longed for the sleepers come night.

The last Ballinasloe dream was so vivid, I’m not sure it didn’t happen. Sutton saying,

“You’re the reader... the crime expert in fact.”

“Yeah.”

“Read Jim Thompson’s The Killer Inside?”

“Missed that.”

“You missed the best one.”

But there’s God. And not only in Tom Jones’ song. The day of my release, I was given my clothes, fresh washed and ironed. Plus a bulging wallet. No drinker ever ends up with money. It’s against the laws of nature. When I’d left my flat, I couldn’t have had more than thirty odd quid. I stared at the wallet. The nurse, misreading it, said,

“It’s all there, Mr Taylor, we don’t steal from our patients. Four hundred and fifty pounds. Count it if you like.”

She stormed off. I went to say goodbye to Dr Lee. I said,

“Could I make a contribution?”

“Don’t drink.”

“I meant...”

“So did I.”

He put out his hand, said,

“There’s AA.”

“There is.”

“And Antabuse.”

“Right.”

He didn’t shake his head, but the implication was there. Then, he asked,

“Jack... have you family... friends?”

“Good question.”

“Well, you better go find out.”

Outside, the sun was shining. A coach paused and every one on the crowded thing stared at me. Backlit by the most infamous asylum in Ireland, with my body in bits, I sure as hell wasn’t staff.

I gave them the finger.

Most applauded.

Naturally, but a spit from the hospital was a pub. For one dizzy moment, I was poised. Oh, never did the siren song cry so awful bright. I couldn’t... I couldn’t. I looked back and felt Dr Lee nodded, as if he could see, and I walked on.

At the train station, I’d only half an hour till the train. Sat in the buffet, ordered nothing. There was a newspaper on the chair. More tribunals. I felt I’d gotten my own brown envelope. Checked the date and my stomach did a flip over. I’d been gone for twelve days. One for each of the apostles. Doing some calculating, I’d been three days missing in action and... earning money.

The train came and I got a window seat. I hadn’t shaved in hospital and a half decent beard was coming in. I looked like Kris Kristofferson’s dad. The mangled nose gave a total “don’t fuck” look. Leaving the hospital, I’d taken a hard stare in the mirror. Solved what was puzzling me. My eyes. They were clear and nearly alive. Not bright but in the neighbourhood. After years of sickness lodged therein, it was some revelation.

Outside Athenry, the refreshments trolley came. A young lad of eighteen or so asked,

“Tea, coffee, minerals?”

“A tea, please.”

I could feel him inspecting my injuries, I said,

“Came off my bike.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, doing ninety.”

“A Harley?”

“Is there another?”

He loved that, then,

“Do you want a drink?”

“What?”

“Look, see we’ve all these miniatures, but like, who’s gonna pay these prices?”

“No... thank you.”

“I’ll give you two for one. How would that be?”

“I can’t... I mean... I’m on tablets... for the pain.”

“Ah... tablets.”

He seemed to know all about them, then,

“I gotta go. You take care.”

Alighting from the train, I met a taxi driver I’d known all my life. He said,

“Travelling light!”

“The luggage arrives with the car.”

“Wise move.”

If you can do this sort of stuff with a straight face, you’re elected. Taxi drivers, of course, have to take an exam in it.

I looked out across Eyre Square and pubs beaconed from every corner. Backpackers thronged to and fro in search of Nirvana, a cheap hostel. A drinking school was in full song across from the Great Southern. As there was no one else to say it, I said,

“Welcome home.”