The Hand that Trembles

EIGHT

Berglund could have left his bed but preferred to remain there. The former athlete – active in bandy and orienteering – had grown lazy. I have a right to lie here a while longer, he thought.

The first snow of the season was falling outside. He felt the nurse, the new one whose name he had not yet learnt, watching him. She was standing at the window. She was talking about the snow, how beautiful it was.

‘I know,’ he said, straight out into the open, ‘I know I can walk.’

‘You won’t fall anymore,’ the nurse said.

‘I know,’ Berglund said, but at the same time he was irritated by her persistence.

The day after the operation he had lost his balance when they forced him to get up and go to the bathroom. That time he had cursed the staff. The cut above his eyebrow still stung.

‘I know,’ he repeated, ‘but I would like to lie here a bit longer.’

He wanted her to leave the room. Didn’t she have any other patients to attend to? He could take care of himself. He wanted to be alone. The nurse smiled at him. He didn’t see it, but he felt it.

‘I hate snow,’ he said.

It was as if the procedure had reshaped his temperament, rearranging his brain in a way that caused him to say things he didn’t really recognise.

‘I’m not a winter person,’ he added.

He had the idea that it might soften his outburst, make her realise that he wasn’t really so grouchy and categorical, that it was just the snow that was affecting him.

‘It isn’t snowing in here.’

He turned his head and looked at her.

‘No,’ he said, ‘but at some point I have to get up and go outside. And then the snow will be there.’

He could see she had an objection ready on her lips but she chose to refrain from arguing further.

‘I’ll be back at half past nine. We’ll get you up then,’ she said, and left the room.

He sat up in bed, pulled out the drawer in the bedside table, took out his glasses but replaced them immediately, pushed his covers aside, and swung his legs over the edge.

I survived, he thought suddenly and was filled by a singular feeling of gratitude. He was uncertain to whom he should direct this gratitude, to God or science? Perhaps a combination of the two? God had always held a place in his conceptual world, ever since his first experiences in childhood of something mysterious that connected him to his parents, his little world with the big world, and the incomprehensible universe outside his window, which had given way to the secure knowledge of mature age of a higher order that simply was there. No mystery, no jubilant salvation, no punishing Lord, just a feeling of connectedness, resembling the one he had felt in his younger years with his teammates on the bandy field, in the locker room, and later in life with his colleagues on the job.

It was the relationship with those who stood closest to him that was like God for Berglund. It was a closeness that arose out of the goodness and willingness to cooperate with others. It was the goodness of God. He could not explain it any other way and he did not trouble himself to seek a deeper answer. It was enough as it was, enough for him to become a human being.

He rose carefully, testing his legs to see if they would hold him and if the vertigo would return. He set his sights on the window.

Let it snow, he thought, at peace with winter. Let it come down until the earth is blanketed like the landscapes of my childhood, with snow piled a couple of metres high and the streetlights reflecting in the glittering crystals. He suddenly recalled a wintery taxi ride in the late 1940s. The driver, a good friend of his father, had taken them on a ride through town. Was it a Packard? Large, black, with a scent of leather and tobacco. Berglund was five years old. His first car ride. He was convinced that God had a hand in the matter.

He smiled to himself. Over half a century ago. The same city, the same snow, the same Berglund – amazed he was still alive, that he was still allowed along on the ride through his city.

The door to the room was pushed open with that whispering sound that he had registered even before reaching full consciousness right after his operation.

Convinced that it was the nurse returning, he did not turn around, being slightly shamefaced, as if caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to.

‘Hello, my friend,’ he heard a familiar voice say from the door.

She had never called him ‘my friend’. He was known as Berglund, nothing more. It was only Ottosson who on rare occasions called him by his first name. No one had referred to him as ‘my friend’ for a very long time.

With the thoughts that had dominated his morning, he was as raw as an open wound. It was only his extensive police experience that made it possible for him to control himself.

He turned around. In some strange way it was like seeing her for the first time. He remembered the first time she turned up at the division. He recalled what he had thought that time: How young she is, what is a girl like her going to be able to do around here? Riis said something stupid as usual, while Ottosson laid it on thick like always. He had bought a cake to celebrate the ‘new recruit’ as if she, like a professional football player, had been recruited to team ‘Homicide’.

‘Well, hello,’ he said, clearing his throat.

Ann Lindell remained standing by the door, observing him for several seconds before walking over and gently giving him a hug. He knew she was as emotional as he was, and that she was also doing everything she could to conceal it.

He pulled away from her, shuffled over to the bed, and sat down.

‘How’s it going?’

‘Moving right along,’ he said, but felt the vertigo return at that moment.

He wanted to lie down and close his eyes, but forced himself to look at Lindell.

‘Otto said you could have visitors.’

He nodded. She looked at him in silence as if to check if the intrusion was affecting him.

‘And how do things look?’

‘A foot has washed ashore outside Öregrund,’ she replied. ‘Apart from that, everything is fine.’

She had misunderstood his question.

‘A foot?’

‘Yes, just the foot.’

‘A foot can float?’

‘It was in a boot.’

He chuckled.

‘You’re just the same,’ he said. ‘Are you going to-’

‘No, not Öregrund,’ she said quickly.

He sensed why not, and left the subject.

‘But tell me,’ she said, ‘how does it feel? You should know that we have been… worried.’

‘I feel fine,’ he said, smiling. ‘A bit boring to lie in bed flat as a pancake.’

‘Are you tired?’

He nodded. ‘Tired and a bit dizzy, but that will go away, they say.’

‘Will you have… I mean…’

‘Any permanent damage?’ he helped her along. ‘No, not really. It may be difficult at first, according to the doctor, but I don’t know. They don’t tell you everything. But I’m counting on getting back to normal.’

Berglund was not being quite honest. Ever since he woke up from his operation he had toyed with the idea of taking early retirement. No one would blame him. He had served on the Uppsala police force for forty years.

Again, he was overcome with an unexpected wave of sentimentality. He had to make an effort to appear, if not carefree, then at least somewhat relaxed and content with his situation. The feeling of ingratitude, as he now arose from his sickbed after an illness that had caused many others the loss of well-being or even life, was also irritatingly strong. His childhood faith – be humble and thankful for the time you have received – was not strong enough to battle the thought that life had treated him unfairly. What had he done to deserve this? Berglund knew it was a ridiculous thought, but the passive waiting in his sickbed had transformed him into a teary and disobliging old man.

The insight struck him with full force; he was afraid. Afraid to grow old, afraid to die. Afraid not to be counted among the active and living, those who meant something.

The sight of Ann Lindell only strengthened this feeling. She was still young. She even smelt of life. A faint but unmistakable scent of snow, fresh air, and soap had been brought into the room.

‘We received a call,’ Lindell said, ‘that I think may interest you, if you aren’t too tired, that is.’

He gestured for her to continue.

‘An old acquaintance to you called. Rune Svensk. He had been called by his son, who is in India on some kind of business. He had observed something.’

Berglund grinned. ‘If you travel to India you can bet you’re going to make some observations.’

Lindell looked surprised but also relieved. It was as if his comment confirmed that he was the old Berglund, who for the moment was dressed in some loose-fitting hospital-issue trousers and shirt, but was definitely back and, in a way, on duty.

‘Whatever,’ she said with feigned irritation. ‘The son saw a man who had disappeared from Uppsala. A former county commissioner whom everyone believes is dead. He went missing many years ago.’

‘Sven-Arne Gotthard Edvin Persson. 1993.’

‘You remember?’

‘Of course. I worked on the disappearance for several months. There were those who spoke of murder.’

‘What did you think?’

‘Suicide,’ Berglund replied without hesitation. ‘There was nothing to support homicide. Absolutely nothing.’

‘Was he depressed?’

‘No, not that we could find. He was… how can I put this?’

Berglund hesitated. When he went up in smoke, Sven-Arne Persson had been a typical middle-aged man, socially well adapted and successful, but what did one know about his inner thoughts? Berglund had tried to map every inch of the county commissioner’s life but had not found any blights on his, to all appearances, blameless existence. Nonetheless he had drawn the conclusion of suicide.

‘There were not motives for murder, no irregularities and no threats. He simply disappeared.’

‘No body?’

‘No, no body. Not a trace. It was actually completely incomprehensible. No one saw him leave City Hall, no one saw him on the street or at his home. I mean, he was a public person, someone that people recognised.’

‘But he could have fled overseas?’

‘We checked up on everything. His passport was in his desk drawer at home. No money was drawn from his account. You can appreciate that the conclusion was suicide, even though everyone had trouble believing it.’

‘And now he turns up in Bangalore,’ Lindell said.

‘If it’s really him.’

‘The witness is completely sure of himself. And they are former neighbours.’

‘I know,’ Berglund said. ‘I have met Jan Svensk.’

‘What is he like?’

‘Oh, what should I say. A normal guy. Had a somewhat rocky period in his youth but has been fine ever since, at least according to his parents.’

‘How do you know them?’

‘From church,’ Berglund said. ‘And they are Uppsala old-timers. Like Sven-Arne Persson. I remember him from my youth. We were the same age.’

‘Was he sporty?’

‘No. Tall, but not exactly an athlete. He may have been able to handle chess.’

‘Married?’

‘Yes, with Elsa. No kids.’

‘Is Elsa still alive?’

Berglund’s gaze flickered. Through the window he could see that the snowfall had grown heavier.

‘She’s barely sixty, I would guess,’ he said. ‘A teacher.’

‘Remarried?’

‘No, but I have heard rumours of a relationship.’

‘What do you think?’

Berglund looked out the window again. What should he think? Jan Svensk was no hysteric but the story sounded fanciful.

‘I don’t know,’ he said finally. ‘It sounds strange to say the least. Why India?’

‘We’ll have to keep sniffing around. Svensk returns in about a week or ten days, according to his father.’

Suddenly Berglund made a face, closed his eyes, and put his hands over his face.

‘What’s wrong?’

Lindell got up from her chair and started to reach a hand out to him.

‘Nothing,’ Berglund said. ‘I…’

He slowly turned his head. The look he gave her was one she had never seen before.

‘I’m raw,’ he said finally. ‘I’m just so damned raw inside.’

Lindell could not recall ever hearing Berglund use such emphatic language before.

Is he going to die, she wondered, terrified at the prospect. Was it sadness she saw in his gaze? Berglund was a smart man. Did he sense something that could not be said? Was he being less than honest when he claimed the operation had been a success?

‘Are you anxious?’

That was not really a question she was allowed to ask, Lindell thought.

‘I don’t know what it is,’ Berglund said.

He got to his feet slowly and walked over to the window. Outside the specks of snow were whirling more than ever. Without turning his head he started to talk about the melancholy that had come over him. The feeling had come creeping even before the operation but now it was threatening to take the upper hand.

‘Maybe they have taken something from me, I mean…’

Lindell knew what he was talking about. She wanted to say something comforting, but refrained.

‘Do you want to be left alone?’

‘Maybe we should have a cup of coffee. Like the old days. Do you remember when you started in the Crime division?’

Lindell nodded, glad at the turn in the conversation. When she had been new in the division, she had quickly appointed Berglund her mentor and confidant. They would withdraw over a cup of coffee, sometimes in his office, sometimes at the café, sometimes at the Savoy, the bakery that he had started patronising already in the sixties and that had come to be Lindell’s retreat when she wanted to be alone to think.

‘Let’s do that,’ she said.

She walked over to him, standing quite close, and leant her head on his shoulder. Suddenly it was as if he was the stronger of the two.

‘Maybe he did the right thing in taking off to India,’ Berglund said. ‘Do you know how much I’ve come to hate snow and cold? I used to love winter, we would go cross-country skating, long before it became popular. We would pack our backpacks and set out, to Tämnaren or Funbo Lake, or to the coast during frigid winters. We would park the car on Blid Island or Yxlan and then we could skate all the way to Rödlöga, once even all the way to Fredlarna. We could just make out the Swedish Högar. It feels so long ago. Now I hate winter.’

‘You’ve never told me. I thought you were a snow man.’

Berglund put his arm around her. They stood quietly, watching the snow.

‘At this time of year in Ödeshög there’s just a lot of wind,’ Lindell went on. ‘I don’t remember any good snow winters. My father never ventured out to do more than brush off the front steps.’

‘Was he sick?’

‘No, superfluous maybe. He drove a beverage lorry and became superfluous. He missed the boxes, the clatter of glass, and talking with the shop owners and the kiosk keepers.’

‘Superfluous,’ Berglund said.

‘That’s how he felt. My mother was the one who suffered. Dad got more quiet over the years. And now he is getting senile and you know…’

Lindell felt Berglund stiffen. He let go of her and leant his head against the windowpane.

‘I used to believe in God,’ he blurted out with such sharpness in his voice that Lindell jumped.

‘And you don’t anymore?’

Berglund shook his head. It looked like he was rubbing his head against the glass.

‘What do you believe in?’

‘I don’t know,’ Berglund said. ‘Maybe I just need some fresh air. Yesterday a fellow from my congregation stopped by. We’ve been friends since childhood. He is a good man, a good person, but listening to him I felt wrapped in a haze of indifference. I felt nothing, no joy, you know that sweet feeling of friendship.’

‘And then I barge in.’

Berglund turned his head and looked at her.

‘I didn’t mean it like that. I am happy you’re the one who’s here. I wouldn’t be able to take Ottosson. He would just get chipper. Allan would look sad, Sammy nervous, and Haver even shakier.’

‘Do you want to be left in peace?’

‘I guess death is breathing down my neck.’

‘Did these thoughts start with your health problems?’

‘You’re an investigator,’ Berglund said, but did not answer the question.

Lindell started to sense that his misgivings had their root farther back and that the discovery of the brain tumour had forced everything to the surface.

‘Do you want to take a peek at the file?’

‘Which file?’

‘The one on the county commissioner who disappeared?’

‘You want to put me to work? Yes, maybe it would…’

‘Can I do anything?’

Berglund left the window and sat down on the bed. His cheeks were sunken and the dark circles under his eyes made him look somewhat demonic.

‘You could talk to the widow, well, if there is a widow.’

‘Want to go get a cup now?’

‘Another time,’ Berglund said. ‘I’m a little…’

‘You should rest. I’ll talk to Elsa and then I’ll make sure the file is sent to you.’

He nodded absently. Lindell hesitated for a moment before she went over to her colleague and stroked his cheek.

Lindell paused in the hallway. She felt uncomfortable, as if she had done something she was going to regret in the future, as if she had intruded on a private area. She had expected a tired and haggard Berglund, but not this, a man questioning the faith he had followed his entire life.

He reminded her too much of her father, bent before his time, his life juice dried up, casting a frightened glance at death.

In a way she did not accept Berglund’s sadness and doubt. He had made it through brain surgery and should be praising the God he had worshipped. Instead he was drawing the completely opposite conclusion: His God no longer existed. Lindell was not a believer, had never been, but found it sloppy and unfair to treat one’s faith in this way. If it could not stand up to an illness, it was not worth much.

It occurred to her that she should perhaps contact the hospital minister and ask him to pay a visit to Berglund. Clearly he needed someone to talk to. But maybe the best medicine would be to dig into an investigation.

She could not claim that the missing politician intrigued her. The naked foot in the boot was far more compelling, but Ola Haver was leading that investigation and that was fine by her. Driving the ninety to one hundred kilometres out to Öregrund was difficult for Lindell, since she had to drop off and pick up Erik at day care. The town was so small that it would have been a high-risk project. She could bump into Edvard on any corner. It still hurt to think of him even though she had learnt to handle the feelings and thoughts that could so suddenly flare up. Just a couple of years ago the ground trembled at the very mention of his name or when her memories took a stranglehold. All too often it was wine that would deaden her unease, but since a couple of months back she had decided not to drink a single drop for a while. She convinced herself she was living a good life. She had finally produced order out of all the threads that went this way and that.

In the parking lot she had trouble remembering where she had parked, and at the same moment she spotted the car the mobile phone rang. She saw from the display that it was Ottosson, head of Violent Crimes. She considered ignoring the call but finally answered.

‘How is the old man?’

‘Fine,’ Lindell said. ‘He’s a little dazed but up and about.’

Ottosson talked on but Lindell picked up something in his tone of voice that put her on edge. Finally he reached the real reason for his call.

‘Ola isn’t feeling well.’

Ann Lindell realised immediately what this meant.

‘I won’t take it.’

‘He’s throwing up like a pig.’

‘Fredriksson will have to go to Öregrund.’

‘That’s not a good solution and you know it. It’ll be quick. Our colleagues out there just need a little attention and encouragement, and then you can go back home.’

Lindell sighed. She knew exactly how it would be. She would not be able to turn him down; her working relationship with Ottosson depended on cooperation. Even though he was a fantastic boss who had always supported her, she could not say no to him. Both of them knew how things looked in the division. Everyone was weighed down with work. Fredriksson had his battery cases, Riis was on disability, Sammy Nilsson was attending a course, and Beatrice Andersson was investigating a rape in Tunabackar.

She also knew that this was not simply a matter of driving out to Öregrund, chatting a little, and heading back home.

‘It’s a woman’s foot,’ Ottosson said.

She cast out her last card.

‘Erik has been a little under the weather this week.’

‘You know my wife likes to look after him,’ he said.

Asta Ottosson had jumped in as babysitter many times before, and even picked up Erik from day care. Ottosson’s statement was the nail in the coffin to her objections.

Ottosson may have realised the unfairness of his dealings, as he hurried to add that Sammy Nilsson would immediately take over once he returned from his course.