The Heart of Memory

CHAPTER 15

THE SOUND OF THE GARAGE DOOR OPENING STARTLED SAVANnah awake. She pushed herself upright on the couch where she’d fallen asleep and checked her watch. 4:15 a.m. What on earth has he been doing all this time?

She stood and straightened her clothes as she psyched herself up for the confrontation. When he walked in and saw her, she knew things would not go well. She tried not to sound as angry as she felt. “Where have you been all night? I was really starting to worry.”

“Honestly? I came home three hours ago and saw you through the window. I didn’t feel like talking. What are you doing home?”

“It sounded like things were getting desperate here. I thought it wise to come back and do what I could to keep them from falling apart.”

He snorted, not even bothering to look her in the eyes. “A day late and a dollar short, darling.”

“Not when it comes to Jessie. Just in time, actually.”

He said nothing and walked away toward his office. She steeled her courage and said, “So what’s the story with Carlie Stone?”

He froze, his back still turned to her. “What did you say?”

“I know everything, Shaun. Carlie, the audit, the fact that you’re doing something with the ministry’s money.”

He said nothing, and a rock took up residence in Savannah’s chest. What if she’d been horribly wrong? But then his shoulders slumped. His entire frame seemed to deflate. He turned, and his face was filled with grief, his eyes imploring her not to hate him. “I’m sorry, Savannah. God, I am so sorry. I can’t even – “ His voice broke; he covered his eyes with a trembling hand. “I thought I could get everything worked out. I did everything I could think of to shore up A &A and replenish our savings. But everything I tried backfired on me. I never meant to ruin us, I swear.”

He sank into a chair and Savannah followed suit, stunned silent at hearing their personal savings had been affected too. In a trembling voice, Shaun laid out everything that had happened.

It had all started with the letter from the IRS. The first two years A &A had been an official entity, Shaun had done the accounting, teaching himself along the way. Unfortunately, he’d made some very large mistakes on their taxes, and when the government came calling three years later the ministry owed twice as much money as he’d thought they did. Too embarrassed to admit his mistake, he decided not to tell the new accountant, who would have paid the back taxes out of A &A’s savings, which at the time were so meager they wouldn’t have been sufficient anyway. Instead, he had paid the taxes with their personal savings, depositing it into A &A and then pulling it out so it was an official A &A payment.

His plan had been to skim a little here, a little there, and pay back to their savings what he’d used to pay the taxes. He made sure to always maintain some level of access to A &A’s financials, and to keep the amounts small so they wouldn’t be detected. He hired accountants who were green, who were star-stuck with Savannah and had no problem rubber-stamping anything that came from her. He began submitting personal receipts for reimbursement on her forms as a way to collect back what the ministry owed him.

It had worked fine for a while-until they’d hired Carlie Stone. She had been zealous about her job and about the ministry, always looking for ways to help the other staffers when she had free time. She was a hard worker, but there was something off about her-her manic-like energy, the way she violated others’ personal space, her seeming lack of understanding of social cues. She would walk into someone’s cubicle and offer to help, then began doing whatever she thought they wanted done without waiting for their response, even if it meant reading their reports or shuffling through the info cards they were trying to enter. People appreciated the offer of help, but not the way it was executed.

Shaun had left some receipts and a reimbursement form labeled as Savannah’s on his desk before leaving for a meeting. She’d gone in and decided to finish the form for him, and in doing so had noticed some of the receipts were for things Savannah hadn’t purchased-lunch from fast food restaurants (she never ate fast food), office supplies (it was Carlie’s job to order those), magazines and subscriptions (Carlie was pretty sure Savannah didn’t read Forbes Magazine or subscribe to Lebed’s stock picks). She’d gotten suspicious and confronted Shaun, who had denied any wrongdoing and had refused to explain himself to her. He’d let her go soon after citing “personality conflicts” as the reason. A few months later she’d sent her first threat and demand for money.

“I thought if I gave her what she wanted, she’d just go away. I didn’t think she’d keep coming back. But by the time I realized she wasn’t going to stop, I was afraid of what she might say to people, and of whom she might decide to talk to. It would have sounded bad enough had she followed through with her original threat, but then to add to it that I’d been paying her not to talk?”

“So, let me guess,” Savannah said, fighting to keep her voice neutral. “Nick figured out what was going on, too, and that’s why you fired him.”

“He was close. He hadn’t figured it out yet, no; but I was afraid he would. He was more conscientious with your forms than I thought he’d be. I couldn’t take any chances.”

“And then I got sick -”

“And the bills started pouring in.” He reached out a hand to her, a gesture of surrender. “Don’t hate me, Savannah. I was a fool and I know it. Please forgive me.”

Her heart was in turmoil. The anger she’d been happily living without had erupted again during Shaun’s confession. Ten years of her life down the drain because he hadn’t been man enough to admit his mistake. And now they were buried under debt and had no way to pay it off, had no way to pay their mortgage or the electric bill or their daughter’s tuition.

“I… I can’t even begin to talk to you about this right now. It’s so much more than I…” Savannah wanted to punch out a window, she was so angry. “Never mind. I’m going to bed.” She turned to head up the stairs and saw a shadow move in the hall. Oh no. “Jessie?” The shadow stopped. Shaun’s head dropped into his hands. “Jessie, honey, I know you’re there. Come out where I can see you.”

Jessie stepped out of the dark. Savannah could see the tears on her cheeks. Savannah tried to keep her tone even, to not let her anger spill into her conversation with her daughter. “You heard everything, didn’t you?”

“I can’t believe you.” Jessie was looking not back at Savannah, but at Shaun. “You lied to me. You let me think it was all Mom’s fault.” She disappeared down the back stairwell, and a moment later they heard the door to the garage open and slam shut and Jessie’s car rev to life.

Shaun moaned. “I can’t believe she heard me.”

“Well, you’d better go chase her down. I’m not doing your reconciliation for you.” She left and went into the guest bedroom, unwilling to sleep in the space that reminded her so much of him. She shut the door, waited until she saw Shaun’s car swing into the early morning in pursuit of Jessie, then let herself fall apart.

JESSIE POUNDED A FIST ON the steering wheel as another sob broke from her throat. If she’d felt betrayed before by her father’s support of Savannah, hearing that it was actually he who was responsible for A &A’s downfall and their family’s descent into near-bankruptcy made her feel like she’d been knifed in the chest. He was a coward, a liar, a thief. Her family tree was rotten to the core. She felt doomed.

Driving on autopilot, she soon found herself on the empty lanes of I-25, the major highway that bisected the state. She took it north, deciding to go to Angie’s, then almost immediately changing her mind as she realized what time it was. Angie was in the throes of midterms just as she would be if she were still in school; to wake her before dawn with Jessie’s family drama would be unfair. She couldn’t do anything to help anyway. Instead, she took the exit for the 105 into Monument and drove to Angie’s parents’ house.

Angie’s parents-her mother, especially-had always treated Jessie like she was part of the family. It had been a long time since she’d seen them, given how infrequently she and Angie were able to get together these days. But their home was the safest place Jessie could think of, and as exhaustion threatened to put her asleep at the wheel, she knew she had to stop somewhere. It was the most logical place to go.

But once she was in the driveway of their stone ranch, she was overwhelmed with embarrassment. It was just past five a.m., the eastern sky glowing with the impending sunrise. She couldn’t just knock on their door now. Instead, she wrote Sleeping in the backseat ~Jessie on a napkin and gently closed their screen door on it, then climbed into the back of her car and proceeded once more to weep.

It was like finding out she was adopted, that the people she’d called Mom and Dad her whole life were just stand-ins for the people who held the titles by biology. No one was who they said they were. The anchors of her life were gone.

No, not true. What about God?

An excellent question. And one she didn’t feel emotionally prepared to answer right now.

But plenty of other questions needed to be answered instead. What now? Where to go? What to do? Who to trust? Each was daunting, but vital. Without answers she was adrift and alone, when what she really needed was someone to wrap their arms around her and let her know her life could be salvaged.

Through her tears she spied the slim leather-bound Bible she’d kept in her car since high school. She pulled it from the seat-back pocket and held it to her face. Its smell brought back memories of youth group meetings and after-school Bible studies, back in the days when she was embarrassed by her mother’s rising fame and struggling to come to terms with the Savannah she knew and the Savannah everyone assumed her mother was. Through it all, she’d never doubted God, never confused her frustration toward her mother with what she believed. Somewhere along the years she’d learned not to blame God for the actions of his followers, and the realization that these new revelations about her parents did nothing to alter God’s character or promises brought on a wave of relief. She opened the book to the Psalms and began to read, searching for the verses where David’s struggles and pain drove him to beg for God’s mercy and compassion. She could certainly relate to him tonight.

A TAPPING ON THE GLASS startled Jessie awake. The kind face of Angie’s mother, Gayle, almost brought on her tears again, and she rolled down the window as she felt the flush of self-consciousness warm her face.

“That can’t be comfortable.” Gayle smiled. “You know we have a perfectly serviceable guest room you could have slept in.”

“I didn’t get here until five.”

“Ah, then I understand. Hungry?”

Jessie gave her a sheepish nod. “A little.”

“Come on in. Lyle is out of town and I’d love some company.”

Jessie climbed out of the backseat and tried in vain to smooth out her rumpled pajamas. Gayle eyed her as she held open the door for her. “You actually changed into your pajamas to sleep in your car?”

Jessie gave an embarrassed chuckle. “I was already in them when I left the house.”

“Ah. Gotcha.” She pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. “Coffee?”

“Thanks.”

Gayle placed a steaming mug in front of Jessie, then pulled a box of pancake mix from the pantry. “I’m going to guess that whatever sent you driving around town in the middle of the night is serious enough to warrant pancakes, but if you’re really in the mood for cereal I’ve got Cheerios, too.”

“Pancakes would be great.” A small smile tugged at her lips. “I always find carbs comforting. But,” she added quickly, “you don’t have to go to all that trouble.”

“Nonsense, I’m happy to do it.” She glanced at Jessie with eyebrows arched as she poured the mix into a bowl. “So what happened?”

Jessie stirred milk and sugar into her coffee as she recounted the last few weeks in flat narrative. Her emotions felt turned off now, as though they’d gotten used up over the last twenty-four hours. When she reached the end she gave a little shrug. “So I’m out of school now, and just… I don’t know. I don’t know what comes next. You know, my mom and I had an almost decent conversation last night, although I’m still not at all prepared to let bygones be bygones and pretend like everything’s fine now. But now, knowing what really happened with A &A, feeling like the rug got pulled out from under me… I don’t have the energy to try to work on things with her. And it sucks, because I feel like we might have had a chance, like she was starting to come around. But all this stuff… I’m just so overwhelmed by it. I want to just lump her and Dad and Adam and everything into one giant ball and throw the whole thing out, even if they don’t all deserve it. And I know that’s stupid, but…”

Gayle set a short stack of pancakes in front of Jessie. “It’s not stupid at all. Of course you’re overwhelmed. I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t expect you to jump up and start sorting things out; sometimes it takes a while after the dust has settled before you can really start working on things, untangling them and fixing them. But I have to say I think you’re handling things very well.”

Jessie rolled her eyes and smiled. “I ran away in the middle of the night.”

“A very honest response, believe me. You needed space to think. Perfectly acceptable. Although,” her tone changed as she raised a brow, “please tell me your parents aren’t wandering Colorado Springs looking for you.”

Jessie squeezed her eyes shut and slumped in her seat. “Um…”

“Can you at least text them?”

“I didn’t bring my phone.”

“Alright then. Why don’t you use mine, or get on our computer and email them. I can understand not wanting to call, but if it were Angie at your parents’ place I’d be mad if they didn’t make her tell me she was okay.”

Jessie sighed. “You’re right. Okay. Can I use your phone?”

Gayle gave Jessie her cell, and she tapped in a quick message. J here. I’m ok. Be home later. “If they call back, I don’t want to talk to them.”

“Fair enough.”

Gayle let Jessie eat in silence, refilling her coffee and adding pancakes to the plate as she finished. Eventually Jessie held up a hand. “I’m stuffed. That was really good. Thank you.”

“Sometimes crises make you ravenous.”

Jessie chuckled. “Yeah.”

“So now what? You’re more than welcome to stay here for the day. I promise to leave you alone, unless you want something to do, in which case I’ll commandeer your help in organizing my sewing room.”

Jessie smiled. “Thanks for the offer. But, as much as I don’t want to, I should probably go home. I’m sorry for crashing your breakfast.”

Gayle laughed. “Hardly, sweetheart. I’m glad you came.” She laid a kind hand on Jessie’s arm. “And listen. I want you to know that we’ll never judge you based on what your parents do. And honestly, I don’t think many people will. And those that do – well, they’re not the kinds of people you need to be associating with anyway.” She smiled. “Your parents are human. They’ve made huge mistakes, just like the vast majority of people on this planet. But you’re not your parents. You can learn from this, and I’m sure it will affect you, but it doesn’t have to define you. God’s plan for you hasn’t changed in the light of all this – nor has his plan for your parents changed. God knew it all was coming. It’s a lie from Satan that your life is ruined because of their decisions. It’s not ruined. It’s just unfolding.”

Jessie sniffed as a fresh wave of tears welled in her eyes. “Thanks, Gayle.”

“Of course, sweetheart. Drive safely, okay? You’re sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Alright then. And listen, you can crash my breakfast anytime.”

Jessie gave her another hug. “I’ll remember that.”

Gayle’s eyes twinkled. “Just, you know, wear some real clothes next time.”

SAVANNAH AWOKE TO THE NEIGHBOR’S dog barking. The clock on the nightstand read 7:04. Her mind began to churn, and she knew there was no point in attempting more sleep. She pulled the down comforter over her head, burrowing beneath the sheets. She wanted to hide and never come out-or, even better, to just go back to Georgia. She was done – with her marriage, with everything. She was beginning to feel a lot more empathy with Charlie. And now she had something to share in group therapy at The Refuge. Lucky her.

Then she realized she’d never heard Jessie come in. She’d heard Shaun come home, heard him shuffle down the hall to their bedroom and shut the door without even trying to do it quietly. But Jessie, whose room was next door to the guest bedroom where Savannah had slept, had either been extremely quiet or else had never come home.

She got up and tiptoed out, hoping to avoid Shaun until she figured out what her response to him was going to be. Jessie’s door was still open. She searched the room briefly, looking for the pajamas she’d been wearing when she’d left. They weren’t there.

It didn’t matter how done she was with Shaun, she couldn’t leave and risk losing the tenuous connection she had to Jessie. She had to go find her.

She went downstairs and made coffee while inhaling a bowl of cereal. The problem was, she didn’t actually know where to go to find her daughter. Not the college, obviously, but other than that she could be anywhere. Who were her friends outside of Adam and people on campus? She didn’t know. Where did she hang out when she was home? Again, she had no idea.

She poured the coffee in a travel mug and went to the car. Her brain felt muddled. She longed for the orchard, to walk between the trees and have so much space to think.

She pulled out of the garage and headed to the northbound freeway. She’d gone running at a state-protected open space north of the city once a few years back; that would have to do.

It was close to eight by the time she found her way to a parking spot in a gravel lot beside a stone sign proclaiming Greenland Open Space. More cars were there than she’d expected. She got out and saw a group not too far up the path, comprised mostly of children and a few women. As she neared them she noticed the children – probably between 8 and 10 years old-had notebooks in hand and were writing things down as they saw them along the path. One of the mothers was talking about the kinds of animals that lived in the open space. Savannah deduced it was a homeschooling group.

She skirted them, moving quickly so no one would notice the tears on her cheeks. She had homeschooled Jessie for a couple years. But then A &A had come into existence and she’d put her in school so she could work. How different would things be now had she not made that sacrifice? Even if she’d pursued A &A, but had made a way to school Jessie as well, would they have butted heads all the time, made each other crazy? Or would they have grown together, learning about each other, how to relate to each other, to talk together. Savannah had a feeling she’d at least know now where to look for her daughter.

Thoughts of the other sacrifices she’d made began to fill her mind. Quality time with her husband. Anonymity. Closer friendships with her girlfriends. She’d never considered herself a go-getter, the kind of person who would stop at nothing to achieve what she wanted. And yet she had. Not with the ruthless, heartless ambition of the corporate world, but with passion and conviction to the exclusion of all else, which she easily justified because in the end it was all for God.

Her anger began to take on a new form. It was aimed at herself. Why hadn’t she counted the cost to her family? Why hadn’t she given herself more margin, insisted on more boundaries? Had she really thought the two people most precious to her would escape unscathed?

Her anger needed an outlet. She walked faster, not with the same intent that had driven her in the orchard, but simply to burn off the energy that fueled her anger. Her thoughts formed themselves as conversation as she picked up speed.

Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you open my eyes? What kind of God lets people do such stupid things in his name? And the last couple years, when it wasn’t about you anymore, but all about me, you should have stopped me. If you’re real, that is.

Then it dawned on her: He had. The days before the surgery came back to her – the mourning, the remorse, the repentance.

Okay, so maybe you did. Maybe. I’m not entirely convinced that wasn’t just my own guilt preying on my weakened emotional state. But then why did all the rest of this happen?

Well, I guess Shaun’s actions are his own, and A &A just got caught in the crossfire. Along with me. And Jessie. So what does that mean, exactly? That A &A wasn’t doing a good job? That the ministry was pointless- or that it was actually offensive to you? And I have serious issues with the fact that you let this happen to all the great people we worked with. None of this was their fault. How could you do this to them?

Her feet pounded the pavement, slower than their old jogging rhythm, but steady. Her body still felt awkward in exercise, but the effect it had on her mind was the same. Her next clinic appointment was in two days. She wondered what the stress test would show, what they’d say if they knew she was exerting herself so much.

And what’s the deal with all this cellular memory stuff? Is that what it really is? Or am I out of my mind? After reading Dr. Pearsall’s book, I have to admit I’m a believer. I just wish more people were so I didn’t sound like a lunatic. And if you designed our bodies to work this way, then you really should have designed an off switch.

She slowed herself when the path curved, not wanting to go too far in case something happened to her heart. She turned around and started to walk back, squinting into the sun.

Look, wherever Jessie is, can you please take care of her? I have a hard time believing she’d do something stupid and get herself in trouble, but she was upset and not thinking clearly. Get her home safely. Or help me find her.

She stopped walking as the impact of her words caught up with her. Had she actually been praying? She took a mental inventory. She was still angry with herself, but toward God the feeling had faded from disgruntled irritation to simple doubt-Was he real? Was he listening? Did he care?

She never would have guessed that doubt could make her so happy.

SAVANNAH SNUCK INTO THE HOUSE, easing the door shut and grabbing her carry-on that was still leaning against the wall. She brought it up to the guest bedroom, alert for signs that Shaun was around. His car was still in the garage, but perhaps he was out for a run. She slipped into the guest bathroom and showered, enjoying the ache of her muscles from the exercise. Just one more piece of the old Savannah coming back into focus. Hopefully it wouldn’t be the last.

When she was dressed, she went back downstairs and ran smack into Shaun as he came out of the kitchen. She glowered at him, then sidestepped him without a word and went to the kitchen for some lunch.

“Jessie came in just after you got in the shower,” he said.

Relief washed over her. “Good. She texted me just before I came home, saying she was alright. Hadn’t said when she’d be home, though. Thank you for telling me.” She pulled out the ingredients for a stir fry, ignoring the sounds that told her Shaun had followed her.

“Savannah, I just want to say again how sorry I am.”

“Save it. I’m not ready to talk about this again with you.”

Zucchini, broccoli, carrots, cabbage. She chopped with vigor, keeping her back to him and trying to fill the silence with her cooking. She could have made something less labor-intensive, but it gave her something else to think about and an outlet for her antsy energy.

Shaun, however, wasn’t ready to give up. “So what now?”

Chop, julienne, shred. “I don’t know, Shaun.” And she didn’t. She felt betrayed. Shaun was like a stranger to her. What could she realistically expect of herself in such a situation? Leaving the marriage certainly felt like a justifiable option, even if she wasn’t ready to admit it.

But as she dropped the vegetables into the wok, it dawned on her that Shaun had likely felt the same way after she’d changed so much. And he hadn’t left.

“I’m just… not ready to forgive you yet.” She hoped he would catch the fact that she wasn’t ruling it out entirely.

“I understand,” he said quickly. “I wouldn’t expect you to be.”

She whisked soy sauce and cornstarch in a bowl, set it aside. “I had an idea while I was out. I’d like to bring Jessie to Georgia with me, if she’s willing, and if Tabitha can spare the room. I think she’d benefit from being at The Refuge, and it would give the two of us the chance to bond some more.”

“That makes sense.” He spoke slowly, and she knew he was trying to decide if those reasons were the real ones or decoys.

“It’s not like we’ll be gone forever.” She finally turned to look him in the eyes, then tried to soften her tone. “I still need some time, too. But I want to do what I can to help us get untangled from our… financial issues. If you want, I can pack away the things I really want to keep, and you can try to sell the house and whatever furnishings people want. There’s very little in the way of stuff that I’m attached to. And we’ve got some nice things; I’m sure you could sell or consign them for a good price.”

He managed a smile. “That’s a good idea.”

She stirred the vegetables and chose her words carefully. “You are going to come clean with everyone, right?”

His response took a few seconds to come. “Come clean?”

“With the staff.”

“With-wait, you mean, tell them everything?”

She breathed deeply, trying not to let her anger build up the wall they were trying to tear down. “Yes. Everything. Don’t you think that’s the right thing to do? Apologize – to Nick, to Carlie-”

“Carlie! Are you nuts?”

“She’s doing what she’s doing because of what you did, Shaun. Admit your mistake to everyone and you take away her power. Plus, you really do owe her an apology if you fired her, even partly, because of what she found out. And it would be better to do it before she made good on her threats.”

Shaun ran a hand over his face and wandered out of the kitchen. Savannah turned back to her stir fry, astounded at who her husband had turned out to be. She never would have believed his story if it hadn’t come straight from him.

She plated the food and ate as she tried to envision their future. Was there a future for them? The life they’d been living – more business partners than lovers-was not appealing. She didn’t want that life back. And now that she knew who Shaun really was, she wasn’t so sure she wanted him, anyway. If he did what he needed to do, showed he was willing to change-maybe she’d concede to giving it another try. But would they ever be able to go back to how they had been before A &A had transformed them from lovers to coworkers?

The longer she pondered, the clearer things became, and after she finished eating she made a stop at Shaun’s office before calling Tabitha about her idea.

“Just to put your mind at ease – I don’t want a divorce.”

The fact that he looked so shocked broke her heart. “You don’t? Why not?”

“I don’t think it’s what God would want.”

The look intensified. “You actually care what God wants?”

“Well, not exactly-but I don’t want to make any decisions I might regret. And I think I would regret that.”

He smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.”

She smiled back. “Yeah. Me too.”

JESSIE TOOK A BITE OF her apple and keyed in the URL of the Colorado Springs Gazette’s website, then clicked on their job listings. She couldn’t handle the bookstore for much longer, not with all the comments she heard from customers when they saw Savannah’s books on the shelves. The other staff hadn’t been too bad, though Torrie had been standoffish for the last week or so. Jessie tried not to care, but it wasn’t working. She needed a change.

She still hadn’t seen her mother since coming home from Angie’s house. She’d run into her father, to whom she had refused to talk before locking herself in her bedroom and falling asleep. She’d woken just an hour later, but the nap had done her good. She hadn’t been ready to take on all the questions of her future, but she had felt ready to take a small step. The job search felt doable.

A knock, then a call of “Jessie?” broke her concentration. Her mother. The walls went up once again around her heart. “Come in.”

Savannah’s face held a look of cautiousness, of apprehension. Not expressions she was used to seeing on her mother. “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” she said, sounding truly concerned that Jessie may have been in the middle of something important. “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. That alright?”

“Um-yeah, sure.”

Savannah sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m really sorry about last night. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Thanks for letting us know you were alright; we were getting worried.”

Jessie felt a twinge of guilt. “Yeah… I’m sorry I ran out like that.”

“That’s alright; you needed your space.”

Jessie smiled a bit at the echo of Gayle’s words. “Yeah, I did.”

Savannah pulled the ends of her sweater over her hands as her demeanor seemed to shift to one of almost nervousness. “Listen, I wanted to propose something. It-it might sound sort of weird, but just hear me out, okay?”

“Okay.” She was curious despite herself.

“Okay, so… I told you about the Refuge, and Tabitha and Aniyah, and all that… they’ve really helped me, and Tabitha has a really amazing program there. I know we haven’t talked a ton about everything that’s happened lately, or about the things your dad did, so for all I know you’re handling things really well. But, even though you’re an incredibly strong and smart young woman, I know you’ve been hit with a lot of big stuff lately, and I thought it might be helpful for you – if you wanted to, that is – to come to The Refuge with me for a while.”

Jessie hadn’t known what to expect, but this wouldn’t have even been on the list. “What? Seriously?”

“You wouldn’t have to go to the sessions if you didn’t want to- if it just didn’t seem like something that was going to be helpful, no one would make you participate. So, if nothing else, it would be a vacation, and heaven knows you need one.”

She had to smile at that. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

“No expectations, no pressure – just an opportunity to commiserate with some people who can relate to what you’re going through, in their own way, and who might be able to give you some insights. And I promise you’ll have your privacy. I won’t go to the sessions that you go to, so you don’t feel like you have to censor yourself. Heck, we don’t even have to talk while we’re there; you’ll have your own room and everything. I talked it over with Tabitha and she’s totally fine with it all.”

Jessie slowly tilted her chair back, thinking. “Wow. That’s… that’s quite an offer.”

“You don’t have to answer right now, either.” Savannah stood, her hands popping out of the sleeves. “Let me know what you decide. And like I said, no pressure.” She gave Jessie a quick hug, then left her to her thoughts.

Jessie watched the door close, feeling like she was in a dream. Had her mother really just apologized, affirmed Jessie’s fragile emotional state, and then actually managed to offer help without making it sound condescending? If that was the result of her time at The Refuge, then that alone was a reason to go.

But even if it wasn’t, she had to admit the opportunity sounded amazing. The vacation aspect alone was enough to make her want to pack her bags. But to be able to finally dump all her frustrations and anger and grief over the events of the last few years and get some help in sorting through and dealing with it-it was almost too good to be true.

So what do you think? She stared at the computer and took another bite of her apple. A warmth grew in her heart as she imagined the place her mother had told her about the night before. She finished her apple, closed out the classifieds, and picked up her cell phone and dialed. “Hey Torrie, it’s Jess. Look, I’m really sorry to spring this on you, but it looks like I’m going to have to resign. I can probably give you another week, but then I’m… well, I’m going away for a while.”

She couldn’t help the smile that stretched across her face.

THE HOUSE WAS SILENT, BUT for the first time in months, the silence didn’t weigh on Shaun like a suffocating blanket. With his secrets spilled, he could breathe more easily, stand up a little straighter, even though the future was a gaping hole of uncertainty. All that was left now was to apologize.

He wasn’t so naïve as to think that would then be the end of it. He knew serious consequences still lay ahead of him. But the hopelessness that had clawed at his soul and driven him to consider suicide was gone, and even the worst-case scenarios didn’t scare him as much as they once had. It was hard to believe he’d been that desperate. He thanked God for the hundredth time for saving him from himself.

Before him on the desk laid a list of names. Each of the A &A staff was there, as were Nick and Pastor John. He picked up his pen and hesitated a moment before adding Carlie to the end. His eyes narrowed as he put down the pen, but he didn’t scratch her name out like he wanted to. He knew in his heart Savannah was right.

He turned to his computer and began to type. He knew he ought to apologize to everyone face-to-face, and he still planned to do that, but not without some assistance. He outlined what his apology would cover, then began to write the script which would keep him from babbling and trying to defend himself. This wasn’t a way for him to justify his actions, as much as he wanted to. This was a way to try to mend the bridges he’d burned the day he’d locked the door on A &A’s office for the last time.

Rough draft complete, he stood to distance himself from the fallout of his pride and took a moment to wander the small space of his office. Soon he’d need to start paring down to the essentials, sacrificing the tokens of success that lined his bookshelves and walls for the sake of his family. They’d put the house on the market next month and sell what possessions they could to knock down some of the medical debt that still hung over them. It felt good to have a plan, even if the plan meant giving up so many of the things that had fed his sense of self-worth and security-or required him to place himself at the feet of those he had wronged and ask for their forgiveness. That part of the plan hurt. But with God’s help – and only because of God’s help-he’d do it.

A sudden throb in his head made him wince. He looked at the clock and groaned. More time had passed than he had realized. He took one last look at the computer screen, replaced a vague statement of wrongdoing with a flat-out, unadorned, stark admission of guilt, then shut down the machine and went to bed.

SHAUN, JESSIE, AND SAVANNAH SPENT the next few days packing up their most prized possessions and stashing the boxes in the garage. They filled their cars with whatever didn’t make the cut and brought the donations to the Springs Rescue Mission. Shaun made an appointment with a Realtor to have the house listed as soon as possible. Then, three days after Thanksgiving, Savannah and Jessie boarded a plane for Georgia.

Jessie stared out the window at the vast stretches of farmland that filled her view out the plane’s window. “I can’t believe I’m finally flying somewhere.”

“Someday we’ll make sure to fly over the Rockies. There’s a view for you.”

“I can’t believe you did this all the time.”

Savannah chuckled. “Me neither.”

She began to flip through her magazine, though her mind was elsewhere. The next few months would bring chaos and uncertainty as the house hopefully sold and they tried to determine where to settle down. She wasn’t tied to Colorado, and Jessie had confided that she was happy to be getting out as well. Shaun hadn’t spoken much on the subject. He didn’t think it appropriate to express an opinion since it was his fault they didn’t have much choice. She had tried to reassure him that selling their home of twenty years and moving on to new things was an exciting adventure, but he hadn’t bought it. Surely once their debts were paid off he’d be in a better frame of mind.

When they arrived at The Refuge, Jessie’s first words were, “Oh wow, look at the orchard.”

Savannah slowed as they neared the house, giving Jessie a longer look. “It’s a great place to go for a good think. Just don’t run through there. Lots of rocks and holes for your foot to catch.”

Jessie grinned. “Do you speak from experience?”

“Sadly, yes.”

She pulled the rental car to the back of the building, parking it alongside the passenger van. “I volunteered you as manual labor to Tabitha in exchange for room and board. You’ll be painting the garage.”

Jessie laughed. “Yeah, right.”

“Okay, maybe not. She did say plenty of things needed to be done, so you could either help me in the kitchen or tackle her To Do list.”

“I don’t have your cooking skills.”

“I’m sure if you really tried-” Savannah stopped herself as Jessie’s face clouded. “I mean, if you were interested, I’m sure you’d do great. I’d love to teach you what I know. But if you don’t want to, that’s okay, too.”

Jessie raised an eyebrow, looking wary. “Do you mean that?”

“Yes.”

Jessie nodded. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

They brought their bags into the house. The doors to the group therapy room were closed, a meeting likely in session. “Wait here,” she said. “I’ll see if I can find Tabitha.”

She went to Tabitha’s office, but she wasn’t there. An envelope with her name on it sat in the middle of the empty desk, however.

Welcome back! You and Jessie are in rooms 3 and 5. I’m off campus until 3, but will come find you when I’m back. I have a proposition for you.

Tabs

Savannah folded the letter and put it in her pocket. A proposition? That sounded intriguing.

She led Jessie upstairs, then took possession of her old room. She unpacked, then went to Jessie’s room to see if she needed anything. She’d put her things away already and was sitting at the window seat with a ball of green yarn and a few inches of a project hanging off the end of a red crochet hook. Savannah gaped. “You crochet? Since when?”

Jessie looked sheepish. “Adam’s mom taught me.”

Savannah took a breath. “Ah.” Then she smiled. “Will you teach me?”

Jessie grinned. “Seriously?”

“I’ve never tried anything like that. But I’d like to learn.”

“I thought you hated doing crafty stuff like this.”

“Well, yes, I did. I think because that kind of thing was always foisted on me by my mother, as though I couldn’t possibly be a proper woman if I didn’t know how to make things by hand. But I’ll bet it’s relaxing.”

“When I don’t forget how to do a stitch, yes.”

Savannah nodded. “Yes, I definitely want to try.”

“I’m not that good,” Jessie said. “I only know how to do a few stitches.”

“That’s more than I can do.”

“I have a hook you can use, but we’ll have to get you some yarn. Think there’s a store around here?”

“We’ll ask Tabitha. I’m sure she’ll know.”

“My ears are burning.” Tabitha poked her head into the room. “Did I just hear my name?”

“You did. We need yarn.”

“There’s a great place twenty minutes from here. We’ll take a field trip.” She extended a hand to Jessie. “I’m Tabitha. I’m so happy to finally get to meet you, Jessie.”

“Thanks, Tabitha. And thanks for letting me come.”

“Of course, of course. Folks are hanging out in the common room at the moment. Feel free to stay here or go down and mingle. I’d like to talk to your mother for a minute, though, if that’s alright.”

Jessie nodded, picking up her yarn. “I’ll go down and see what people are up to. Anyone else down there do anything like this?”

“Actually, yes – look for Anne, long curly red hair. I’ve seen her knitting a few times.”

Jessie’s eyes lit up. “Great, thanks.”

They all went downstairs, and Tabitha took Savannah to her office.

“Oh, a private talk. This must be serious.”

Tabitha chuckled. “Not so much serious as official.” She sat back in her chair and regarded Savannah with a smile. “But first of all, how are you?”

“You know, I feel pretty okay.”

“That’s an improvement.”

“A huge one, yes. I feel… peace, about selling the house and moving. Still no clue where we’ll move to, but I think it’ll all work out in the end.”

“You were this close to saying something that sounded decidedly Christian.”

She laughed. “Yeah, I know. I very nearly did, to be honest.”

“So…”

“Still doubting. But not angry. And not closed off to the idea. More… curious and confused.”

Tabitha beamed. “That’s fantastic. And it makes me even more sure that this is a God thing.”

“What’s ‘this'?” Savannah grinned. “Do I get to hear your proposition?”

“Yes. So here’s the thing. Aniyah is leaving.”

Savannah gasped. “What? No!”

“She’s been looking for her auntie lately. Just ‘felt like she needed to.’ And she found her – and she’s dying. She has no one, so Aniyah is going to go to her.”

“But-to go back there-”

Tabitha shrugged. “She thinks she’s ready to face her again. And she thinks God is telling her to go, so she’s not willing to say no.”

“So what’s going to happen to your kitchen? You going to start catering Chick-Fil-A or something?”

Tabitha laughed. “No. I was hoping to hire you.”

Savannah’s jaw fell. “You’re kidding me.”

“Not at all. When you called to say you wanted to come back with Jessie, and you told me about selling the house… it was like God wrote it on the wall.”

“But-but what happens if we move somewhere else?”

“I’ll keep you for as long as you’re willing to stay. If it’s a month, it’s a month. If it’s a year, it’s a year. I’m not too concerned about that. God has it figured out, so I’ll just sit back and let it unfold.”

“This is… this is amazing.”

“I think we’ll be able to work it so you can come to the therapy sessions, too, if you want to.”

“I’d love that.”

“Well, then, it’s official. I’ll get the employee paperwork together and get you on the payroll. Aniyah leaves next week, so you’ll have a few days of overlap for her to help you transition into the position.”

Savannah shook her head. “This is just incredible, Tabitha. Thank you, God.” Her eyes went wide and she slapped a hand over her mouth in surprise.

Tabitha gasped. “Savannah! Did you mean that?”

Savannah nodded. “You know,” she said, grinning, “I think I did.”