The Kruton Interface

CHAPTER 18

The Lord High Judge of Tortfeasors’ Court of the Supreme Judiciary of Kruton brooded in his chambers. Today he was a woeful heap of half-conceived, misshapen tissue, of no particular shape or form. He was a mess.

The mess leaned toward the communicator. “Send Shlurff in,” it commanded.

The door got out of the way to admit a quivering mound of ooze.

“Is that you, Schlurff?”

“Y-yes, sir. Your Lordship, sir. “

“Shut up and splash down.”

Shlurff splashed and became immobile.

“I’ll make this short. You are responsible for my impending forced resignation from the bench. As a result of your incredible bungling, the accident happened on the Kruton side of the Interface!”

“But, Your Lordship, they annihilated one of our battle cruisers!”

“We’ll have to eat it. The incident happened in Kruton territory. There were injuries to the plaintiff! Our ship ran into theirs, there’s nothing we can do but acknowledge that. We have no case for a countersuit!”

“Ulp,” Shlurff said.

“Kruton will have to settle out of court. For billions and billions!”

Schlurff collapsed to a pool of abject slime. “What can I say, my lord? I’m sorry.”

“Oh, you don’t know how sorry you’re going to be. My personal lawsuit against you is now in preparation.”

“Oh, no!”

“Yes. It’s being handled by one of the top billable-hour firms on the planet.”

Shlurff could only moan.

“I’ll countersue,” Shlurff said weakly.

“Hah! I welcome it! They’ll throw it out of court and I’ll recover legal costs from you.”

“Oh, sir, if there were only some way… ”

The Lord High Judge began a bodily reformation, his fetid bulk mounting to the ceiling and rotating about. Two immense bulbous hemispheres of flesh formed, their surfaces studded with horrid boils chancres, carbuncles, and assorted other maculae. Most of these exuded fluids of various colors and varying consistency.

“Make obeisance! Attend to every one of those beauties.”

Shlurff choked and gagged. “No!”

“I might go easy on you. I might settle for something reasonable. An admission of culpability, a nominal fine.”

“You would settle for that?”

“Perhaps! If I like your style. Re-form and attend me!”

“Yuck!” Summoning all his inner strength, Shlurff reshaped his body into a rounded, pillowy thing, its only organ a gigantic, soft-lipped mouth. The mouth rose and began to do its work.

The Lord High Judge sighed. “Feels nice. I might go easy on you at that, if you consent to do this on a daily basis, for a year, say.”

The mouth stopped its sucking long enough to say, “We can talk.”

Shlurff had to admit he was not really having a bad time of it. In fact, the task was becoming enjoyable.

The Lord High Judge felt an internal pressure. His present configuration was prone to excess digestive gas. He made adjustments, and vented it. A noxious effluvium pervaded the room.

“Hey, are you trying to make me sick?”

“Sorry,” the Lord High Judge said.