The Last Continent

1

The title puns on “The Lost Continent”, a literary phrase associated with vanished worlds, both literal (e.g. Col James Churchward’s 1931 The Lost Continent of Mu) as well as metaphorical (Bill Bryson’s 1990 The Lost Continent, about his rediscovery of and journey through the lesser known parts of his native USA).

2

This is pretty much what happened in 1994 when comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 slammed into Jupiter.

3

Matthew 10:29, for instance: “Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.” Terry has referred to this “test” before, in Hogfather.

4

This ceremony spoofs a ritual conducted at the Tower of London, where “The Queen’s Keys” are used to lock up every day.

5

Witchety grubs, a traditional Aboriginal food. Taste a bit like nuts, apparently.

6

Exclamation, archaic in Britain but much more current in Australia. Shortened form of “God’s truth!”.

7

Matthew 2:16: “Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, […]”

8

‘Lydia the Tattooed Lady’ is one of Groucho Marx’ most famous songs, originally performed in the 1939 Marx Brothers movie At the Circus. Kermit the Frog did a great cover of ‘Lydia’ on the Connie Stevens episode of The Muppet Show.

Teaching artifical intelligences to sing songs, recite poetry, or tell jokes is a well-established science fiction theme, with probably the most famous example being HAL in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey reverting back to his ‘childhood’ and singing ‘Daisy’ for Bowman. Possibly, that scene might not have been quite as poignant had HAL sung ‘Lydia’, instead…

9

Karl Marx spent a lot of time in the old Reading Room of the British Museum when he was writing Das Kapital.

10

The continent referred to in this quote is Australia (which means that we are talking here about the Wizards of Oz, right?), where there exists a brand of beer called ‘XXXX’ (pronounced ‘Four Ex’), produced by the Castlemaine Tooheys brewery. A New Zealand correspondent tells me that the reason the beer is called ‘XXXX’ is that if it had been called ‘BEER’ the Australians wouldn’t have been able to spell it. Ahem.

(The actual origin of the name ‘XXXX’ lies in the number of marks used by Castlemaine to indicate alcoholic strength. Most European beers today are of 4X strength, with some being 3X or even 5X.)

11

‘Egregrious’ originally meant “distinguished, eminent”, but is now a term of abuse. It also puns on the regis (meaning: “sponsored by the crown”) professors at some UK universities.

12

One of the few lines of the Australian national anthem that most Australians actually know is “Our home is girt by sea”. Possibly it sticks in the memory because, at the age when kids first learn it, nobody knows what “girt” means. (It means “encircled, enclosed”.)

13

The Discworld Mapp chronicles Sir Roderick’s career in some detail, his principal achievement being three epic voyages of discovery around the Disc, during which he completely failed to find XXXX, the Counterweight Continent, or indeed any land of any consequence at all.

14

This is what happens with Australian gum trees, such as the coolabah.

15

C. S. Lewis’ The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, book three of the Narnia series, features the island of the Dufflepuds, who do this. Terry himself traces the story back much further:

“Two things influenced this. One is that, in accounts of very early long-distance voyages, ‘people who go around on one foot’ are among the usual freaks encountered (memory creaks, and recalls some about them in The Saga of Eirik the Red…). The other is that, when I was a kid, I’ll swear we had a class reader of Robinson Crusoe and a pic showed him in his goat skins marvelling at the one footprint he’d found in the sand. The illustrator had obviously been told to draw the picture of RC finding ‘a footprint’ and had done just that.”

16

In fact, the snakes of Australia are noted for their lethality. According to one source, 14 of the world’s top 15 poisonous snakes are Australian.

17

… you’d have a thong sandal. Pretty much acceptable as footwear in most of tropical Oz, although not in most restaurants.

18

In Aboriginal art, a waterhole is generally shown radiating concentric circles outwards into the desert.

19

The Fatal Shore, by Robert Hughes, is one of the seminal history texts concerning the British colonisation of Australia and the transportation of convicts.

20

The first stanza of William Blake’s famous poem ‘The Tyger’:

21

“Turned out nice again” was the catchphrase of the 1940s/50s British comedian George Formby. In his films, he invariably said this just as he realised that he was in trouble and a split second before he started running.

22

This name may be related to the famous Australian suburb of Moonee Ponds, which gave the world Dame Edna Everage and Tina Arena.

23

Scrappy the Kangaroo parodies Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, an Australian children’s television series.

24

A characteristic of Aboriginal art, sometimes known as “X-Ray painting”.

25

Important Aboriginal tribe members often had their handprint put on a rock face by having the artist fill their mouth with water and ochre, and then squirt the “paint” over the hand leaving the silhouette on the rock.

26

See the annotation {33}.

27

Australian for lying or pulling someone’s leg.

Paul Hogan did for the Australian Tourist Commission in the 1984-89 period ads for the internationally targeted campaign, at the end of which he clinches his spiel by saying:

28

In Hobbyist, a short story by science fiction writer Eric Frank Russell, the hero finds a planet where there is, indeed, only one of every kind of animal and plant. It turns out to be run by an alien super-being who creates life forms.

29

Refers to Mad Max, eponymous hero of the classic Australian film series that made Mel Gibson a star. Max drove the V8 Interceptor (matching Mad’s eight horses), with a supercharger (which Mad also engages, although Max’s version didn’t involve feedbags). The description of the pursuing road gang certainly looks as if it might have been inspired by a scene from the movie Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior.

30

The name of a well known Australian rock band.

31

Appropriately enough, Rincewind’s birth sign, according to The Light Fantastic.

32

The “grandfather paradox” is a common philosophical objection to time travel. Science fiction writers have developed numerous ways of dealing with it, of which what Terry calls “the trousers of time” is only one. This scene looks at a couple of others (see also the annotations {33}, {34}).

33

In Ray Bradbury’s short story A Sound of Thunder, the killing of a butterfly in the distant past completely changes history.

34

The “closed loop” theory of time travel — that all the loose ends will be tied up, even if it’s not immediately obvious how — contrasts with the “trousers of time” model. It was well expressed in the film The Terminator, although the sequel promptly abandoned the idea.

35

You can actually get doormats and house name plates with the inscription “didjabringabeeralong”. The first description of the town, including the sign, is similar to Bartertown in the movie Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome.

36

Signals a shift in the films being parodied, from the Mad Max series to Crocodile Dundee. (In the film, Crocodile was a human, nicknamed for his prowess at wrestling or otherwise dealing with crocs.)

37

The book the Chair is talking about is known, in our world, as Robinson Crusoe, by Daniel Defoe. See the annotation {15}.

38

Desert Island Discs is a long-running BBC radio programme, in which celebrity guests are asked to pick eight records to be stuck with on a hypothetical desert island.

Terry was himself a guest on 9 September 1997, and chose the following list:

- ‘Symphonie Fantastique: Dream of a Witches’ Sabbath’ — Berlioz, London Symphony Orchestra/Sir Eugene Goossens.

- ‘Thomas the Rhymer’ — Steeleye Span.

- ‘The Race for the Rheingold Stakes’ — Bernard Miles.

- ‘The Marriage of Figaro: Voi che sapete’ — Mozart, Petra Lang, ms; Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra, Amsterdam/Nikolaus Harnoncourt.

- ‘Bat out of Hell’ — Meatloaf.

- ‘Silk Road Theme’ — Kitaro.

- ‘Great Southern Land’ — Icehouse.

- ‘Four Seasons: Summer’ — Vivaldi, Israel Philharmonic Orchestra/Itzhak Perlman, v.

39

Expresses a phenomenon known in Australia as ‘cultural cringe’ — a nagging inferiority complex, based on a deep-seated suspicion that perhaps the country isn’t quite on a par with Britain or even America when it comes to “culture” — with the result that the cultural “high points” get aggressively promoted, while the regular beer and suchlike are regarded with something close to embarrassment.

40

Two film references for the price of one. The competitive knife-sizing is straight out of Crocodile Dundee; Mad’s move of trumping the whole issue by pulling a crossbow comes from Raiders of the Lost Ark, where Harrison Ford pulls a revolver on a show-off swordsman.

41

Spiders on the toilet are a big problem in Australia — it’s always worth having a good look before you sit. A small number of people per year, apparently, suffer nasty bites from redbacks (a kind of black widow) when sitting on the toilet. A mid-90s UK TV commercial for Carling Black Label (a brand of beer) showed an English tourist in Australia faced with this problem.

There is also a well-known Australian folk song that goes:

42

Possibly a reference to The Selfish Gene, a book on evolution by Richard Dawkins. The term has stuck in the current consensus about the mechanics of evolution.

43

Rincewind’s version of the famous Rolf Harris song ‘Tie me kangaroo down’. Of course, in Rincewind’s case, what he really wants is for someone to keep Scrappy away from him…

44

Two-up is an Australian form of gambling played extensively by Australian soldiers during both World Wars. Although generally illegal outside of licensed casinos, it can now be played in country towns during some local festivals.

Professional games are controlled by at least one ‘boxer’, who collects a ‘rake-off’ or commission from all winners. Bets may be placed either between players, or to cover the ‘centre’, representing the ‘spinner’s’ stake. The spinner must back heads, and other players must back tails. Side bets may back either.

Two coins are placed on a ‘kip’ (a flat piece of wood), and the spinner tosses them in the air. If the coins don’t spin properly or if they land one head and one tail, it is classed a ‘no-throw’ and all bets stand. If both coins land heads or both tails, bets are resolved. Players take turns as spinner and may continue to throw so long as they show heads. The spinner begins to collect winnings only after throwing three heads; subsequently, he may retire or place more bets. However, if the spinner ‘dooks them’ by throwing three successive heads, the boxer takes a percentage (usually about 10 %).

There are a bunch of other conventions, such as calling “Come in, spinner” before each throw, and variations in the betting between casinos. I’m told that although the odds favour the house (as usual), the spinner’s odds are better than other players’.

Back in The Colour of Magic, Rincewind witnessed a coin being tossed in the air and not coming down at all.

45

The scenes with Letitia, Darleen and Neilette resonate with The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, the 1994 movie about two transvestites and a transsexual crossing Australia in a bus.

46

“Something for the weekend”, in barber’s shops up until the mid-20th century, meant ‘condoms’.

47

The punchline to an ancient joke about crossing a kangaroo with a sheep.

48

Because Banjo Patterson, poet and author of many fine Australian tales, wrote a narrative poem called The Man from Snowy River, telling of a man who rode a creature “something like a racehorse undersized”.

Patterson’s other writing credits include the lyrics to ‘Waltzing Matilda’, which gives him a strong claim to have invented the idea of the Australian hero, which is what the old man is trying to turn Rincewind into. See also the annotations {50}, {51}, {52}, {57}.

49

Drop-bears are the standard story to tell gullible foreigners. Basically a sort of predatory koala that has evolved to drop, leopard-like, out of trees onto unwary (non-native) bushwalkers.

50

The Man from Snowy River (see annotation {48}) describes the pursuit of a horse identified as “the colt from old Regret”.

51

Rincewind’s ride across the canyon, while the rest of the gang can’t follow, again echoes The Man from Snowy River.

52

Clancy of the Overflow was another poem by Banjo Patterson, and Clancy also plays a major role in The Man from Snowy River.

53

In the early 1990s, the British artist Damien Hirst caused much controversy by exhibiting animals cut in half and preserved in formaldehyde.

54

There are over 400,000 distinct, named species of beetle in the world, and possibly twice as many unnamed ones.

When asked what his studies of Creation had revealed to him about the nature of God, the Scottish geneticist J. B. S. Haldane (1892–1964) supposedly answered: “He seems to have had an inordinate fondness for beetles.”

(According to science writer Stephen Jay Gould, the quip is undeniably Haldane’s, who often repeated it, but the story of it being a riposte to an actual theological question cannot be verified.)

Haldane was also the author of a children’s book, My Friend Mr Leakey, which has a very Pratchettian tone, and is strongly recommended.

55

One of the key things Darwin noticed, which led him to his detailed theory of evolution, was the slight differences in bills between finches on different islands in the Galapagos group.

56

‘Petra’ (a Greek word meaning ‘stone’) is the name of an ancient pre-Roman city in Jordan. Victorian traveler and poet John William Burgon describes the city in his poem Petra, ending with the line: “A rose-red city, ‘half as old as Time!’”

57

Banjo Patterson’s (see the annotation {48}) best-known work, by some margin, is ‘Waltzing Matilda’. Unfortunately, his words are not the same as those sung to the world-renowned tune. Even more unfortunately, although every Australian knows this song, no two of them seem to agree on all the lyrics, so this version should not be taken as authoritative:

The astute reader will have noticed that the last sentence of Terry’s paragraph (“And he swore as he hacked and hacked at a can of beer, saying ‘What kind of idiots put beer in tins?’”) fits both the tune and the structure of the song. The expression “waltzing Matilda” existed before the song, meaning to hump or carry one’s belongings with one, like a tramp.

58

Rincewind has invented Marmite, close cousin to the milder Vegemite.

59

Politicians in Australia have an even worse reputation than those elsewhere in the Anglophone world, but in fact their rate of conviction is not all that high. There was a particularly notorious scandal in the late 80s involving Sir Joh Bjelke-Peterson, premier of Queensland; several of his associates were jailed, and the premier himself was accused and (briefly) tried on charges of perjury. The trial was aborted.

60

The balladeer is in luck. See the annotation {57}.

61

Ned Kelly was a legendary Australian bushranger of the 1870s who, at his famous last stand, wore a suit of armour to stop bullets. Unfortunately for him, the police noticed that he didn’t have armour on his legs… Famous also for his reputed last words: “Such is life.”

62

As Terry later explains, this is a Regional Delicacy found specifically in South Australia.

63

Terry suggests that everyone named Bird probably attracts the nickname “Dicky” at some point in their lives, but the most famous (and appropriate, in this context) is a legendary, now retired, cricket umpire.

64

The main shopping street in central Melbourne is called Bourke Street.

65

There is a place in Adelaide called the Café de Wheels, which is famous for its meat pie floaters (see annotation {62}). Dibbler’s version also puns on ‘defeat’, which seems appropriate to his general attitude.

66

Real Australian company that makes the world famous Hill’s Hoist clothesline.

67

It has been suggested that Dibbler’s politics are inspired by those of the radical Australian politician Pauline Hanson, who also came from the fast-food industry.

68

From the Australian song ‘Duncan’, which was a big hit for singer Slim Dusty in 1958: “I love to have a beer with Duncan, ’cos Duncan’s me mate.”

69

There’s a famous Australian children’s story called “The Magic Pudding”.

70

Both descriptions have been applied, at various times, to Sydney Opera House — which is, indeed, on the waterfront.

71

Dame Nellie Butt has two aspects: Dame Nellie Melba, of Peach Melba fame, and Dame Clara Butt, an English singer who moved to Australia.

72

Rincewind has invented the Peach Melba, named in our world for Dame Nellie Melba, a famous Australian contralto.

73

It’s often said — not least by Australians — that they are the descendants of British convicts who were sentenced to “transportation” as a penalty only slightly preferable to death, and indeed the earliest European settlements, from 1788 onwards, were penal colonies. However, separate “free colonies” were established not long afterwards, and the transportation of prisoners stopped in the mid 19th century.

74

Rincewind seems to have stumbled into the world-famous Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. A galah is also a small pink parrot with a grey head. They are apparently very gentle and inoffensive birds, which makes it harder to understand why “galah” is also a Australian slang term of derision meaning “likeable fool” or “simpleton”. Apparently, transvestites are not entirely welcome in the Sydney Mardi Gras.

75

At the end of the movie Crocodile Dundee, our Australian hero makes his way across a packed New York subway station platform in this fashion.

76

The Dean is trying, with rather too much desperation, to make a joke that requires him to have a pseudo-Italian accent for it to work. If Chico Marx were to say “That’s wrong”, it would sound something like “a sarong”.

77

The heroines of the film The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert perform (well, playback to) a repertoire of Abba songs. See the annotation {45}.

78

The Old Brewery in WA is situated by the Swan River, on or near a sacred site (depending on who you ask). Neilette’s brewery is positioned on possibly the most definitively unsacred site in the continent…

79

Brewing is a financially dangerous business. Alan Bond (see the annotation {88}) lost a fortune in the 1990s, when lessees of his pubs objected to his plan to sell them all off for a quick return.

80

It’s been said, cruelly, that a platypus is what a duck would look like if it was designed by a committee.

81

“No bloody Sheilas”.

82

“Assisted passage” was the term for the financial support given to British immigrants during the 1960s.

83

Bullroars were apparently used traditionally by the aborigines as a means of communicating and signalling over distances of several miles. Its use is demonstrated in the movie Crocodile Dundee II, where he uses one to call for help from nearby Aborigines.

84

Once again, a nod to the classic BBC TV series Dr Who — characters were forever remarking on how the Doctor’s ship, the Tardis, was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. Given that the outside was the size of a large phone box, this was just as well.

85

Australia once tried to sell itself to the world as “the clever country”, to attract the right kind of immigrants.

86

It is, of course, the name of a spider. One of Terry’s favourite Australian beers is “Redback”, another spider. Probably best not to inquire too closely as to the recipe.

87

Rincewind is imitating Rolf Harris, a scruffily-bearded Australian singer and artist who used to present kids’ cartoon programmes on UK TV. Before each cartoon, he’d demonstrate how to draw the leading characters, humming as he sketched and often asking ‘Can you guess what it is yet?’ over his shoulder.

See also the annotation {43}.

88

The natural assumption that BU stands for “Bugarup University” is entirely logical, but the fact that it’s not spelt out gives us license to speculate wildly about many alternative resonances…

First, it’s worth noting that there really is a BU in Australia: Bond University, in the Gold Coast, was financed and named after Alan Bond, the well-known Americas Cup winner, colourful businessman and ex-gaolbird. His principal business interest was in brewing: he owned the Castlemaine Tooheys brand, before running into trouble in the late 80s. (see also the annotation {79}).

Adding a second dimension to the name, one could note that “bû” is the past participle of the French “boire”, to drink. Third, there’s the well-known drinking expression “bottoms up!” — an exhortation to fellow drinkers to quaff harder. Even more improbably, there’s the notion that never fails to raise a laugh in primary schools in the UK that Australians, being upside-down, all walk on their heads, i.e. with their bums uppermost. Of course, most likely BU does stand for Bugarup University. But all that was worth thinking about, wasn’t it?

89

Possibly a Great Auk (an extinct species of flightless, penguin-like sea bird).

90

Puns on the “Never-Never” (a name for Outback Australia) and “buying on the never-never” (i.e. on hire-purchase).

91

This has been seriously suggested as a way of supplying more water for Australia.

92

At Henley-on-Todd, Alice Springs, there is an annual regatta on these lines. This event usually has about twenty teams that take part in a race up and down the Todd river bed. The teams are sponsored by local businesses and they are normally made up of people that work for the company that sponsors them plus other family members. Team members run up and down the river bed carrying a cardboard cut out of a boat with sails and masts. This looks quite a sight when you see boats on a dry river and all these hairy legs sticking out of the bottom of the boats. The final race is between two large boats on tractor bodies. These boats have cannons fastened onto the side of them and large fire hoses joined to water tanks on board these are used to fire flour at the other teams and the crowd. Mix this with water, and it makes a lot of mess and a great deal of fun for all.

Once every seven years or so, it rains, and the event has to be cancelled because the river is full of water.

93

Desalinated seawater plays an important part in the water supply of many desert countries. However, it is (as Ponder objects) very energy-intensive.

94

From the Aussie group Men at Work’s 1983 hit ‘Down Under’: “Can you hear that thunder? You’d better run, you’d better take cover.”

95

Uluru, or Ayer’s Rock, is regarded as sacred by the Aborigines so they never climb the rock, although many tourists do.