The Late Show

33

Ballard sat in an office with Dr. Carmen Hinojos, the director of the Behavioral Science Unit. The room was decorated in blond wood, cream-colored walls, and pale curtains. The window looked across the roofs of Chinatown toward the spire of City Hall. They sat facing each other in comfortably cushioned chairs that contradicted the uncomfortable situation for Ballard.

“Have you ever killed anyone before?” Hinojos asked.

“No,” Ballard said. “First time.”

“How are you feeling about it today?”

“To be honest, I feel fine about it. If I hadn’t killed him, he would have killed me. I have no doubt.”

She immediately regretted starting her answer with “to be honest.” Usually when people said that, they were being anything but honest.

The session continued down avenues of questioning Ballard had fully expected. As with almost every situation an officer faced regarding internal investigations and procedures, she was well versed in what would be asked and how it should best be answered. The union newsletters carried case examples all the time that were analyzed in depth. Ballard knew that the important thing to say and project with Hinojos was that there was no second-guessing of her actions up to and including the killing of Trent. Showing regret or remorse would be wrong moves. The department needed to be assured that if returned to duty, she would not have any hesitation in doing her job, that she would not hesitate if placed in a kill-or-be-killed situation.

Ballard was calm and forthright during the interview and showed discomfort only when Hinojos veered away from questions about the Trent killing to asking about her childhood and the path she took to law enforcement.

Ballard began to feel like she was trapped. She had to reveal herself to a stranger or risk that her return to duty would be delayed by further analysis or treatment. Ballard didn’t want that. She didn’t want to ride the pine. She tried to put a positive spin on things in terms of the good things she had learned from bad experiences. But even she knew that finding the positive in things like her father’s untimely death, her mother’s abandonment of her as a teenager, and the year she spent homeless was a difficult task.

“Maui has the prettiest beaches in the world,” Ballard said at one point. “I surfed every morning before going to school.”

“Yes, but you had no home to go to and a mother who didn’t care,” Hinojos said. “No one should face that at that age.”

“It wasn’t that long. Tutu came for me.”

“Tutu?”

“Hawaiian for grandmother. She brought me back here. To Ventura.”

Hinojos was an older woman with white hair and golden-brown skin. She had been with the department for more than thirty years. On her lap was an open file that contained the psychological report drawn from the examination conducted when Ballard had first applied to the LAPD fifteen years earlier. Much of the history was there. Ballard hadn’t known enough at the time to keep her past to herself.

Ballard had not been back to BSU since that initial exam.

“Dr. Richardson has an interesting workup here,” Hinojos said, referring to the initial examiner. “He says disorder in your young life drew you to law enforcement. A job where you enforce laws and enforce order. What do you think about that?”

“Well,” Ballard said, stalling. “I think we need to have rules. They are what makes society civilized.”

“And Thomas Trent broke the rules, didn’t he?”

“Yes, big-time.”

“If you had the chance to relive the past seventy-two hours and make smarter choices, do you think Thomas Trent would still be alive?”

“I don’t know about smarter choices. I think I made the right choice in the moment. I would prefer answering questions about what did happen and why. Not speculation about what could have happened or what could have been.”

“So no regrets, then?”

“Sure, I have regrets but not for what you probably think.”

“Try me. What regrets?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I had no choice. It was him or me. In that situation I have zero regrets, and if faced with the same circumstances, I would do what I did again. But I do wish he were still alive so I could arrest him and we could take him to trial and he would rot in prison for what he did.”

“You believe that by being stabbed and losing his life he got off easy.”

Ballard thought for a moment and then nodded.

“Yeah, I do.”

Hinojos closed the file.

“Okay, Detective Ballard, thank you for your candor,” she said.

“Wait, that’s it?” Ballard asked.

“That’s it.”

“Well, do I get the RTD?”

“That will be forthcoming, but I am going to suggest that you take some time off to recuperate mentally. You have been through a trauma, and there are unanswered questions about what happened to you when you were drugged. Your mind is bruised as well as your body. Like the body, the mind needs time to heal. It needs time to settle from this.”

“I appreciate that, Doctor. I really do. But I have active cases. I need to wrap them up and then I can take time off.”

Hinojos smiled in a tired sort of way, as if she had heard what Ballard said a thousand times before.

“I guess all cops come in here and say the same thing,” Ballard said.

“I can’t blame them,” Hinojos said. “They are worried about losing their jobs and identities, not worried about the consequence both have on them. What would you do if you were not a police officer?”

Ballard thought for a moment.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I haven’t thought about it.”

Hinojos nodded.

“I’ve done this a long time,” she said. “I’ve seen long careers and careers cut short. The difference is in how you handle the darkness.”

“The darkness?” Ballard said. “I work the late show. There is nothing but—”

“I’m talking about the darkness within. You have a job, Detective, that takes you into the bleakest side of the human soul. Into the darkness of people like Trent. To me it’s like the laws of physics — for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. If you go into darkness, the darkness goes into you. You then have to decide what to do with it. How to keep yourself safe from it. How to keep it from hollowing you out.”

She paused there and Ballard knew not to speak.

“Find something that protects you, Detective Ballard.”

Hinojos got up from her chair then and the session was over. She walked Ballard to the room’s door. Ballard nodded a good-bye.

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“Stay safe, Detective Ballard.”