The Liberated Bride

PART IV. A Fantasy?

14.6.98

Ofer,

You asked for a short answer to a short question. Well, here it is. No.

My father’s death cannot absolve you of a promise made not only to me, but to yourself. A dead man’s honor is no less precious than a living one’s, and there is no reason to trash him now, when he can no longer defend himself against your fantasies, old or new.

That’s my answer to your question. It’s also, if I may say so, my request (if my requests still matter to you).

But if you nevertheless believe that you’re free to break your promise and make your fantasies known, at least do me the favor of sparing me your decision, as well as your oppressive and above all pointless letters.

Galya

20.6.98

Dear Galya,

1. Your answer was appreciated.

2. Your reply and its reasoning (and most of all, its request) are clear.

3. Even though your father’s death absolves me of my commitments (which were, by the way, only to you. How could they have been to myself?), I will continue to keep silent for the time being (the last words need to be stressed) even with my parents, and especially with my father — who, I hope, will get over the frenzy that his meeting with you put him into.

4. I think that’s all.

5. And again, I appreciate the fact that you overcame your negative (and to an extent, justifiable) reaction to my letter enough to answer it. Perhaps you recognized some of the old pain in my anger. I won’t bother you anymore.

Ofer

P.S. For the past five years I’ve fought (with a resolve I didn’t always understand myself) to keep my promise to you. I’ve told no one what went wrong with our marriage, not even those women who have mattered to me (and these were not as rare as you may — or may not — think), even though I know this may have harmed my chances for a new and honest relationship. Because while it may seem (but only seem) that a marriage lasting no more than a year can be explained by a simple sentence like “It didn’t take us long to realize we weren’t meant for each other,” or “I thought I loved her but I didn’t,” or, on the contrary, “It turned out that she didn’t love me back and so we decided to split before we ruined the life of some unnecessary child,” this doesn’t work with a woman interested in a relationship with a divorced no-account like myself. On the contrary, any serious, deeply feeling person has to be more worried by someone who divorces quickly than by someone whose marriage falls apart bit by bit, because being mistaken in the first place is more damning than experiencing the gradual attrition of love. Whoever dramatically misjudges his first partner may do so again. That’s why I think highly of any woman who wants to know why my marriage didn’t work.

The fact is that I’ve encouraged them to ask. Those who didn’t, even if we got along well, didn’t last long. (Most of them, by the way, were young, a new generation — yes, there already is one — that’s quick to start up and quick to break off and doesn’t care who’s married and who’s divorced. It surprised them, even upset them, when I insisted on telling them about my divorce on our first or second date, because they couldn’t understand why this mattered.)

So I’m sorry — no, glad — to inform you that I’ve had not a few women in my life, especially in the first years after our breakup. It was as if, in leaving me, you also left me with a master key like the one I give every evening to the African woman who cleans the offices, or the one Fu’ad opens every door in the hotel with. My wanting revenge on you only increased my masculine charms, which were assumed to come with a high degree of technical proficiency because I had been married for a year. Which is how I, who, before you and I met, would get involved in torturous love affairs with the most impossible types, now became a butterfly flitting from flower to flower for the nectar.

But I soon tired of all this, Galya. I wanted a real connection in place of the one we had had, and I believed it would come because I had proved that I was capable of it and that what went wrong was not my fault. I started looking for a lifetime relationship (with a lot of short-lived women), and the first test I gave everyone was to see who wanted to know about my marriage. After all, unless you know something about the past (ask my father: he makes his living from it), it’s hardly possible, and certainly not easy, to make any headway in the present. That’s what I told every woman whom I wanted and tried to fall in love with.

And so over and over I found myself harping on our divorce without being able to touch on its real cause — that is, what I saw that day with my own eyes. And although there was perhaps something noble in the discretion of a divorced man who refused to say a bad word about his ex, there was also something strange and suspicious about it, and, in the end, aggravating. After all, you can’t come asking for comfort, and keep saying that you need to understand what happened before you can start a new life, while deliberately avoiding the heart of the matter. All you’re doing is putting obstacles in your own way and letting the other person know that you still have hopes for the woman who said to you when you parted—

word for word—

“Perhaps in the end I’ll miss you so much that I’ll beg you to take me back. But if I ever find out that you told anyone, one single person, about your insane fantasy, there’s no chance of that ever happening.”

Word for word, right?

Not that it’s so difficult to figure out what I’ve been hiding. Women smart enough to realize that I need to be released from some horrible scandal should be able to use their imaginations. And in fact, among the many possibilities that have occurred to them (it’s amazing how fertile the imagination is when it comes to the sordid things people do), one or two of them, like little birds pecking at garbage, have come close to the truth. But even then I didn’t let on that they did. “The details don’t matter,” I told them. “I made a promise I’m not ready to break. Just convince me that I couldn’t have prevented my divorce and I can start thinking about marriage again.”

Not many women are prepared to deal with such a devious neurotic.

But there was one who rose to the challenge. Not as a prospective wife, but as a friend. She was a true Parisian, a class behind me in school, who tried to free me by means of that logical French mind that hones itself on the subtleties of sex. Without knowing the details of our case, which I never revealed to her, she constructed a psychological model proving almost mathematically that despite our great love (and that, at least, you never denied), our separation was inevitable. Her analysis concluded that whether I had actually seen something or just fantasized it, our marriage never stood a chance. Even had I not (she argued), by sheer coincidence, on a Tuesday morning at eleven o’clock, left my office to look for some old building plans in the basement of your father’s hotel, I was by then so involved in his project to expand the kitchen and dining room that sooner or later I would have gone down there anyway — if not to look for the plans, then, say, to check the foundations — and seen or fantasized the same thing.

That was just her initial premise. For even (her theorem continued) had I never descended to the basement, eventually I would have guessed what was going on, since anyone joining a new family, no matter how blindly enthusiastic he may be about it (as I was about yours, if only because of my love for you), develops a sixth sense that in time becomes as sharp as a laser beam. Even without my unexpected discovery, I would have begun to wonder.

In fact (continued my shrewd Parisian), who could say that the building plans were my real objective on that awful Tuesday when I left the office and went to the hotel without you? (Wasn’t the whole point to be there without you?) Perhaps the real reason was a vague suspicion in my subconscious or unconscious mind. (Here in Paris, those old ghosts are still believed in….)

And suppose (my Parisian friend went on) I had said nothing to you and kept what I saw and understood to myself. The whole incredible story would have come out in the end anyway, because how long could I have held it in? I was raised and educated by my parents to believe in open dialogue and in the need — no, the duty — to discuss even the most difficult subjects honestly. And although, superficially, my mother may seem the stronger of the two, my father, too, is no innocent and has his own shrewd sophistication. They were equal partners in a total intimacy — and since such intimacy, which we both believed in and wanted, was my model for our relationship, one that would only have grown stronger with the years, what chance would I have had of hiding something that was consuming me? Even in an ordinary quarrel, the most happily married couple can work itself up to a point, absurd but unavoidable, at which whole families — fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, even aunts and uncles — are invoked in support of one person’s virtues or the other person’s vices. Could I have listened and said nothing, for example, if you had argued — as you sometimes did — that you were naturally generous like your father and easygoing like your mother, as opposed to my father’s gloom-and-doom and my mother’s prudery? Could I have resisted the temptation to shake you up with the hidden truth, which would have jumped out of me like an angry grasshopper? And then — yes, then — you would have been fully justified in regarding such a revelation, coming totally out of the blue, as not even a “pathetic fantasy” but quite simply a revolting lie invented in the heat of the argument….

And let’s suppose (let’s!) that in spite of all this I not only tried but succeeded in keeping the truth to myself, in bad times as well as in good, without a word about what I saw that day. I still couldn’t have forgotten it, especially not when it involved people I saw every day who were continuing their sordid behavior. And since I couldn’t have relieved the burden by telling anyone, not even my own parents, since this would have totally estranged them from your parents, the truth would have gone on seething in me and so poisoned my love for you that in the end I would have suspected you too (why not?) — yes, you too — of knowing and hiding it from me, or even (for now that everything is possible, who knows?) of being involved in it yourself and — if only in your thoughts — even enjoying it.

I had to speak out. And immediately. The twenty-four hours that passed from the time I saw what I did until the time I told you about it seem unbearably lonely even now. And above all, you wouldn’t have wanted me to keep quiet. Never, in all the harsh, bitter quarrels we had afterward — and I say this to your everlasting credit, Galya — never once did you say, “Why did you go and tell me all this? What possessed you to do it?” You understood the obligations (yes, obligations!) of intimacy. And from your shock when I told you, and the scene you made (you may remember how my father was attending some conference in Jerusalem that day and turned up at our apartment and you refused to come out of the bedroom even to say hello), I knew that you, at least, were innocent….

Which was a relief….

And so (argued my Parisian), concluding this part of her theorem (there’s another part still to come), the moment I realized what I had seen was the moment our marriage was over. After that, it was only a question of time.

Part Two

And now let’s look at it from your point of view. My Parisian is a serious woman. Even without knowing what it was that I saw (as I say, I never told her), she managed to prove that our marriage was doomed from the opposite end, too — that is, starting from the assumption that it was all a “revolting fantasy,” as you claimed from the first. In the forty-two days that followed, in which you systematically demolished your love for me, you never budged from that position.

Five years have passed since then, and ultimately all will be forgotten and perhaps even forgiven except for one thing — the insult and even the contempt of your self-righteousness. I’ll never forget you sitting tense and pale, although perfectly patient, your feet beneath you on the couch, listening stonily, without interrupting, without asking questions, without even turning off the radio. (Yes, I remember how grotesque it was to be telling you such a thing to soft background music.) When I finished, there was a moment (but too short, too short!) of silence before you reacted. I would have thought that something so incredible needed more than that. The fact was that, in my naïveté, I had expected only one of two possible reactions.

Either—

“I’m stunned. Give me a minute to catch my breath.”

Or at the very worst—

“It’s none of your business, Ofer. I’m warning you. Stop opening doors in this hotel without knocking or asking permission. You don’t own it or my family just because you’re married to me.”

But you took another line. Without hesitating, you chose to defend your family to the hilt, even if it meant destroying our relationship. You said—

word for word—

“You have no idea, Ofer, of what you’re getting us into. I’m asking you to drop this whole revolting fantasy of yours, to say you’re sorry, and never to mention it again.”

Word for word, right?

(Relax. This letter will never reach you.)

And now listen to the theorem of my Parisian (an ugly little bird, pecking away):

“Let’s assume that your ex-wife was right and that you concocted a fantasy for reasons of your own. Let’s also assume that in the end you would have been forced to admit it. Then, too, your marriage was doomed. Because to judge by your anger and obsessive behavior, your case involved two different conceptions of love. There’s first love and there’s second love. The experts can distinguish between them, even if sometimes they’re hard to tell apart, because each has a logic of its own. They can exist side by side, not without conflict, until something comes along to turn them against each other. And then it’s good-bye.

First love (my Parisian explained) preserves throughout a marriage the bright, living kernel of the falling-in-love that engendered it, that outgoing of the heart by which the lover recognizes, sometimes instantly and sometimes by progressive stages, the human being who can soothe or satisfy his deepest desires — the one person with whom he can redemptively re-create the primeval love for a father, mother, sister, brother, or other family member that could never be fulfilled. And though, when he falls in love, the lover may know little about the beloved, whose soul may be a mystery and whose body may hide beneath its clothes an ugly defect or scar yet to be uncovered by his desire, still he is bonded to his beloved blindly and trustingly and is ready to die for her even before he has seen her nakedness. This is the meaning of the expression “falling in love,” found in so many languages, for the lover has as it were fallen into a deep pit (at the bottom of which may lurk a snake or scorpion), and there must build his love for himself.

And even after (my Parisian continued) the outward signs have yielded their inner promise in all its glory or poverty, its undreamed-of heights or insufferable depths, the glow of the first falling-in-love continues everywhere and all the time. Yes, even when the beloved is in a wheelchair in an old-age home, diapered and connected to tubes, even then the flash of a smile in moldering eyes, the ancient movement of a veiny hand, the heard-again lilt of a dear voice, even a single sentence containing the right words, can resurrect the first falling-in-love in a twinkling — that love that unconditionally and in advance forgives every weakness and failing, if only for the reason that in advance it knew nothing about them.

Indeed (in my Parisian’s opinion), nothing is more democratic than this total embrace of the beloved; for just as the state, or the republic, can never revoke the citizenship of a citizen, be he a spy, traitor, rapist, or murderer, so first love forbears in all things because the first, unconditional falling-in-love persists.

Such (thinks my wise Parisian) was my love for you. This is why I am still stranded in it, waiting for another falling-in-love to set me free….

(And it will—)

And yet, says my Parisian, who is four years older than I am even though she’s a class lower — because she has a rich father who periodically treats her to a new career—“your story makes clear that your ex-wife’s conception of love is of the other variety.” And this is why, she explains, what happened to us was inevitable.

And that’s precisely what I need: to understand calmly the necessity of our separation, so that I can say good-bye for good, graciously and with a light heart.

It seems, Galya, that your kind of love has to do with choice. That’s the great difference. Perhaps yours is the more developed variety, skipping love’s primitive and dangerous “fall” for what is deliberately and courageously chosen — not because it is the best choice, since there is always a better one, but because it has potential. (I once watched a nature program on television about a certain species of duck or swan that takes four years of painstaking investigation to choose a mate — the longest aptitude test on record.) Rather than marriage as a first flowering of feeling that lasts only until the next falling-in-love, the love of choice offers something less passionate but more stable: responsibility. In a moment of crisis the first kind of lover declares emotionally, “What’s done is done — I fell in love with you, and so I forgive you,” but whereas the second kind says coolly, “Yes, what’s done is done — I chose you, and I am responsible for my choice.” But — and here’s the rub — while love of the first kind can by its nature overlook what it doesn’t like, love of the second kind is incapable of such evasions. And so when something bad shakes the foundations, “responsible love” is too weak to support it — and at that point the whole structure collapses, and all that’s left to say is, “You’d better pack your things, Ofer, and go to your grandmother’s.”

Once, some two years ago, a month or two after I arrived in France, in a moment of deep sadness but also of intermittent hope (I didn’t know you were about to remarry), I decided to write an itemized account of the horribly quick parting that you subjected me to after forty-two days of struggle. I bought a big yellow notebook, which went well with the yellow light of gray Paris in August ’93, where I found myself after my expulsion from the Paradise in which you lived with your father, mother, and sister (who to this day can inspire in me, along with horror and revulsion, a good, stiff erection).

Anyway, you and your family, even your hotel, were cloaked by my imagination in the late-summer light that I remembered from the brambly little hill near the gazebo under which we were married. That’s how I had imagined Paradise back in Bible class in grade school, perhaps so as to give it a Middle Eastern touch: a lush green oasis fed by springs and surrounded by soft, friendly desert.

And so I began to write the story of our separation, from the first moment: thoughts, conversations, facts, things we did, the weather, the political situation, even a dream or two that I remembered, such as one in which I forced your father to let me shave him with an old electric shaver found in a room of the hotel.

I wrote from the heart. The result was an indictment, a defense plea, perhaps even a proposal for an out-of-court settlement — but only on the left-hand page, because the right-hand page was for your use, so you could add your story to mine. I still hoped against hope that setting down our two versions in the same notebook might help us reach a new understanding.

I filled page after page, quickly, in less than a week. I wanted so badly to prove that you had acted rashly that I remembered all kinds of things I had forgotten. And I had insights I had never had before into the predicament of your making (for example, your insomnia, which started at that time and kept you up all night in my parents’ home in Haifa). It was exciting to put everything down clearly on paper and give my suffering a form. I was so involved in it that I went on writing during my French lessons at the Alliance Française, to the delight of the students from Japan, China, and Indonesia, who were happy to see that the brown and yellow races were not the only ones with languages that looked nothing like French.

I still didn’t know you were about to get married—

And then my father told me over the telephone that my grandmother had died, and I could hear the relief in his voice. She had already lost the last of her independence after falling and breaking her pelvis and being brought from Jerusalem to a nursing home in Haifa — and, as impossible as she had been when she still could stand on her own two feet, she then became such a horror that she kept having to be moved from one institution to another.

But it wasn’t just my father who was relieved. So was I. Not because I ever suffered from her. On the contrary. She always showered my brother and me with love and presents, not only because she really loved us, but also because she hated to waste on us a drop of the special venom that she kept for the issue of her own womb. The relief came from my fear that in the heat of one of her daily spats with my father, she might, in order to show that I trusted her more than him, blurt out the secret I had made her promise to tell no one.

You see, Galya, the time has come for a confession. There was one person in the world (though she is in it no longer) from whom I was unable to conceal the truth. Because back when we agreed to “mutually disengage” in order to gain some perspective, I on my “fantasy” and you on your “fantasy of my fantasy,” and decided to separate and move out of our apartment — you into the hotel and I to my grandmother’s — my parents, although upset by our unexpected breakup, maintained (mostly at my mother’s insistence) a gallant distance while hoping that the crisis (about whose cause they knew nothing) would blow over by itself. On the other hand, my grandmother had no faith in spontaneous reconciliations. Her gloomy, suspicious nature, which always made her expect (sometimes rather eagerly) the worst, led her to demand that I do something practical to restore us to Paradise Lost.

Yes, us. For as upset as she was by our separation, she was also upset by the loss of the hotel, which she had hoped, rather bizarrely, to use as a halfway house in departing this life. Did your parents ever tell you that after our wedding she took to dropping by the hotel in the morning for coffee and cake and, sometimes, for a chat with a lounging customer, knowing that Fu’ad would not take money from a “member of the family”?

My three weeks with her were both sad and strange. In her old apartment in the dowdy old downtown of Jerusalem, nothing had changed: I stayed in my father and aunt’s childhood room, stared at from the shelves by their old dolls and toy animals, painted weird colors by Tsakhi, and regressed, at the hands of this shrewd, bossy woman (I think my father is afraid of her to this day) to the little boy my parents used to leave with her when they came to Jerusalem on their own affairs.

There I was, sitting naked again in the old bathtub I once showed you, the one with those monster legs cast in lead that my father called “Mephistopheles’ feet,” once more throwing my dirty laundry into the big old straw basket, with its cracked, white enamel top that in our boyhoods, both my father and I had made believe was the steering wheel of a bus. Returning to her place late at night — because after work I always went first to our empty apartment on the pretext of having to get something from it — I would find her, in her nightgown, waiting tensely in the kitchen. She would serve me my supper while grilling me like a patient police detective, trying to worm out of me what had really happened between you and me — not for curiosity’s sake, but in order to know how to get the two of us together again so that she could have one more dance, like the dance she danced at our wedding, with “that perfect gentleman, Mr. Hendel.”

One autumn evening, after I had given up all hope of running into you in the apartment or of ambushing you near the hotel, and had begun to accept that we were permanently separated and that I would have to settle for my share of the apartment and find a place of my own, I was overcome by the urge to shock the old woman with the truth and make her realize once and for all what kind of “Paradise” she had lost. First, though, I made her swear on a Bible that if she broke her vow and told anyone what I was going to reveal to her, she would be personally responsible if God punished us by making something bad happen to Tsakhi in the army. (He was a junior in high school and worrying us all with his talk of volunteering for a commando unit. Who could have imagined that he’d end up in the safest place in the country?) And then, right there in her kitchen, late at night, as downtown Jerusalem was emptying out, I told her the whole story. It was the second time (it won’t be the last) that I had told it to someone else, rather than just to myself in my thoughts.

I didn’t spare her any of the details. I knew she would argue with me, as she did with everyone, and I wanted to expose her to the whole tawdry reality. With a twisted pleasure, I shone a light for her on the sick roots of Paradise — roots I was willing to live with, but only on the condition that you acknowledged them.

Well, she listened to my story, right there in her kitchen, with the bored look of a mother blessed with an overimaginative child, sighed when I reached the end of it, like an old woman who has seen everything, and stunned me with her response. You would have loved it. (If, that is, you had known about it, which you never will, because this letter will never reach you.)

It went like this:

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ofer. How can you dare accuse a decent man like Mr. Hendel of such a thing? Galya is right. It’s all in your imagination. Whenever your parents brought you here as a boy, your grandfather would complain that you drove him crazy with your fibs. You would stand outside on the terrace and pretend that scenes from some movie you had seen were taking place in the offices of the National Trade Union Headquarters across the street, all kinds of horrible things that people were doing. It’s your imagination, sweetheart. Ask your wife to forgive you and tell her that even as a child…”

You get the idea.

So you see, Galya, I found for you an unexpected ally. If only she hadn’t been buried next to my grandfather for the past two years….

“Say you’re sorry, boy!”

And then I remembered, with a slight feeling of panic, how as a boy, especially on my visits to Jerusalem, I really did make up strange stories to entertain my grandfather, who lived in dread of his horrible wife. At which point I surprised her by revealing that I had already asked you to forgive me and had been, quite rightly, turned down.

I repeat: quite rightly.

(I hope you’ve noticed, Galya, how objective I’m trying to be.)

It wasn’t so easy to explain that to her after our last meeting in that little café—when, in a desperate attempt to save our marriage, I took back everything I had said and apologized in the most groveling manner. You had four perfectly logical rebuttals, all mutually reinforcing, like four cogwheels in a machine to crush all hope. And if your answer, which deserves to appear as a special section in The Guide to Marital Warfare, was not entirely clear to my grandmother, this was only because it was raining out and she had stuffed her infection-prone ears with absorbent cotton upon hearing the first spatter of drops on the window.

Rebuttal 1: “If you were telling an out-and-out lie, Ofer, you don’t deserve to be forgiven, ever. In that case, what you did was such a low blow that I can never trust you anymore. Even if I forgave you, it wouldn’t last.”

Rebuttal 2: “On the other hand, if you were the victim of a fantasy, then the mind that fantasized is still there. How can you ask to be forgiven for something that’s still in you and that you’re still trying to prove?”

Rebuttal 3 (bravely honest to a fault): “And suppose it turns out that you’ve told the truth? Then it’s not you who have to ask for forgiveness, but I, for involving you with such a pathological family. And why, really, should I be forgiven for that?”

I shuddered. You must remember how I answered, in a choked voice, “That’s true. But I do forgive you, because I want to. And from now I’ll love not only you, but whatever is yours, even your father and sister, more than ever…. ”

Coldly and calculatedly (after a year of marriage you knew me well enough to be prepared for such a lunatic promise), you delivered the coup de grâce,

Rebuttal 4: “I know you mean every word of it, Ofer. And believe me, it’s the most disgusting thing I’ve heard from you yet.”

I didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral. My mother left the decision up to me, and my father advised against it — and not just because of the plane fare. To tell you the truth, apart from my mild and rather foolish relief that our story belonged just to the two of us again, which left me a ghost of a chance of getting you back, I felt real sorrow for the death of a woman I had spent so much time with as a child and had returned to after my separation from you for a sad yet warm and intense reunion. And because I could think of no other way to mourn in Paris, I bought a black ribbon and tied it to my arm in the Catholic fashion that you see in old French movies. I even went around with it longer than I had planned to, in part because I noticed that it made people more patient with my bad French.

About half a year later, over the phone, my mother told me in passing that she had heard you were getting married and thought I should know about it, even if it was painful, since it might make it easier for me to free myself from you. I was too stunned to say anything, and so she said, “Don’t take it so hard. You deserve a better and more dependable wife than Galya, and you’ll find her.” That helped me to get a grip on myself. “Thank you, Ima,” I said. “I’m glad you told me. Even if it’s only a rumor, I’ve been waiting for the chance to finally mourn for Galya.” And I put the black ribbon back on and started wearing it again. After a week, though, when I realized I still wasn’t over you, I took it off.

Stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck! That’s frightening, because five years have gone by with nothing to celebrate. Good and stuck.

So you see, it’s not my fault if I can’t stop the words that are flowing so easily from me now, so pleasurably and without anger, onto the screen of a computer that someone forgot to turn off in the Youth Department of the Jewish Agency. I didn’t even have to open a new file, but just squeezed myself in between two memos on Hebrew-speaking summer camps. There’s still time to decide whether to print this “pointless and oppressive” letter or to hit Delete, just as, after my mother informed me that you really were remarried, I threw “our” yellow notebook into the oven of the Cooking Academy, which cheerfully roasted it to a crisp.

(I like my work as a night guard at the Jewish Agency, which occupies — a bequest from a French-Jewish Holocaust survivor — an apartment building in a fashionable bourgeois district that has a large park nearby. It’s a comfortably posh, three-story nineteenth-century building with attractively oak-paneled lobbies and stairways, and old chairs and tables that were divided up among the different offices on a political basis. You have to spend time in a place like this, Galya, and use your master key to visit all its rooms, in order to appreciate that despite its bureaucratic morass there’s something soothing, even comforting, about its old Jewish National Fund maps of Palestine hanging on the walls. There is a Zionism, old, innocent, and heartwarming, that will last not only another century, but another millennium, even if the State of Israel goes under in the meantime.)

When my grandmother heard (we’re back to that autumn night in her kitchen) that I had gone and asked for forgiveness without waiting for her advice and had been turned down, she was flustered. But since the logic of your four rebuttals failed to move her and she wasn’t a quitter, she simply ignored them and instructed me quite shamelessly to ask forgiveness from Mr. Hendel himself. She was sure, she said, that he could talk you into clasping me to the family bosom again….

She certainly did want to dance in your hotel again!

I didn’t answer her. I went to my bedroom and shut the door. I don’t know whether she changed her mind, but I did manage to scare her, because her demeaning proposal was not repeated the next morning. I was running a fever that day and thought I had the flu, and I stayed in bed until noon. Then I went to the office, phoned your father, and made an appointment with him that same night.

A week later (with his encouragement, if not necessarily on his initiative) you filed for a divorce. Yet I remain confident (for some reason) that he never told you about our meeting until the day he died, which means that you’ll never know about it now, either.

(Because this letter, as I’ve said, will not be sent.)

And yet nevertheless—

My Impossible Meeting with Your Father

Actually, only the dreariness of those days in dowdy downtown Jerusalem could have brainwashed me into putting my grandmother’s grotesque idea into practice. (In one of her nursing homes, an old staff member said to my father: “I’ve never in my life seen anyone like your mother. Tell me, Professor, how did you manage to come out normal?” To which, without cracking a smile, he replied: “I didn’t.”) I can still see her sitting in her kitchen on that revolving high chair of hers, like a pilot or an aeronautical engineer, surrounded by walls and shelves lined with knives, cleavers, ladles, spatulas, graters, mixing bowls, and appliances, all covered with the colorful little jackets she sewed for them. It was only in Paris that I realized that the idea of studying restaurant architecture first came to me, not from your hotel, whose old building plans I went looking for on that infamous morning, but from her cluttered kitchen.

Your father hesitated for a moment and agreed. Our tragic encounter had prepared him for the possibility of a private meeting, even though he had done his best to avoid it. And when it dawned on him, though he still knew nothing specific, that you were about to eliminate the threat to him by ditching me for good, he didn’t have the heart to refuse me.

The truth is that although your father was not the type to cut and run, he had panicked so badly after that fateful Tuesday that he moved up a planned trip to America in the hope that it would give him, and perhaps me too, a breather in which to review the options more calmly (a sensible strategy for the stock market, but not for a Greek tragedy) before formulating his response to this stranger in his family who had never imagined that Paradise had its basements.

In the five years since our separation, Galya, I’ve sometimes thought about the man as much as I’ve thought about you. In the comprehensive dissertation on our divorce that I’ve composed in my head, there’s a chapter devoted to the subtleties of Mr. Hendel, who ran away (yes, ran away!) to America and returned from a successful two-week business trip there with the novel notion of handling me not by pleas, flattery, threats, or sulks, but by good humor. “Why in the world did you run away that day when you saw me?” was his line. “Don’t tell me you thought you had discovered some deep, dark secret! It’s time that you realized a family’s emotional life can be more complicated than you think.”

I wonder if you remember the family dinner to which we all were invited on the Saturday after your father’s return from America. It was at that nice restaurant belonging to Fu’ad’s uncle in Abu-Ghosh, on a terrace shaded by a grapevine as big as a tree. Surrounded and protected by his loving family, your father thought it was the perfect place to confront the son-in-law who had caught him with his pants down.

Perhaps you even remember how he seated us around the table. He put me as far from himself as possible, but also facing him, so that he could keep me under observation while warning me with a glance not to ruin a happy family. He strained to hear every word that I said, whether it was addressed to him or not. It was at that meal that he began dropping hints that he would make me his head architect in expanding the hotel for a new clientele discovered in America: wealthy fundamentalist Christians looking not just for a place to stay in Jerusalem but also for a home away from home that would offer them, on a clear day, views of the Messiah’s birthplace in Bethlehem, of his baptismal site near the Dead Sea, and of Golgotha, where he was crucified. It was at this meal — remember? — that he announced the coming revolution: no more “parasitical rabbis” checking his kitchen, no more separation of meat and dairy, no more porkless, seafoodless kosher meals. Come hell or high water, or just an ordinary Middle Eastern war, Christian pilgrims were more dependable than Jewish tourists.

And yet, little by little, as that meal went on, without anything careless being said or even hinted at, but simply by watching you and me squirm, he realized, with the intuition of a clever and intelligent father, that the thing he feared most had come to pass. The intimacy between us, so foreign to a secretive man like him, had become a wounded animal threatening to devour him.

I want you to know that to this day, at this precise moment, facing a computer in the dark office building of the Jewish Agency, I can re-create the exact shades of light, tones of voice, and smells of food on that grapevine-shaded terrace, on that day late in the summer of our separation and divorce, with its sweet light falling on the vineyards and orchards, on the restaurants, shops, mosques, and churches — that serene Jewish vision of a bucolic and uncomplaining Arab life, as sweet as baklava.

And then — do you remember? — your father grew suddenly alarmed at the prospect of my “betrayal.” He looked so bewildered and hostile, and his gloom was so great, that your mother asked if he was feeling all right and Tehila, who (unbelievable!) knew nothing (and may know nothing to this day) about the drama that had taken place behind her back, said crossly, “What’s the matter, Abba? Cheer up!” Even the old restaurant owner, Fu’ad’s uncle, who knew your father well, sensed the shift in mood and sent us a copper beaker of Turkish coffee and a plate of yellow semolina cakes on the house. I noticed that your father, whose relationship with you had always been warm and full of love, was afraid even to look at you.

Then and there, the masks were stripped from us all. Had you wanted it (but you didn’t, you didn’t!), you had all the proof you needed that my version of events was as real as the Arab village we were looking at. But you, although you felt your father’s distress and could easily have grasped its significance, decided to overlook it in his favor, his and not mine, because you had only one father, whereas a husband could always be housebroken or exchanged. And you knew that only by turning truth into fantasy could you defend the honor of your family and the sweet memories of your childhood. Right in front of me, demonstratively, you went over to your father and gave him a hug to bolster him and — isolate me.

My Meeting with Your Father in the King David Cafeteria

He chose the place. You know how he liked to drop in on hotels and check their service and prices so as to know what to charge for his own rooms.

It was seven in the evening. The cafeteria was half-deserted. Twilight was falling on a hot, dry autumn day. He was studying the menu while waiting for me in a corner.

He wasn’t unfriendly, although neither did he display the ingratiating anxiety he had shown me in Abu-Ghosh. He was serious and reserved throughout our meeting. It couldn’t have been easy for him. He was wearing his safari jacket despite the heat (the beige one, not the white), and as always I had the sense (for the first time, accompanied by a twinge of envy) of a strong, impressively virile man.

He ordered an herbal tea for himself — did his stroke really come from his notorious high blood pressure? — and I, in a moment of weakness, asked the waitress to bring me, along with my coffee, a piece of cream cake; its tastelessness only weakened me more in what was the shortest, but most dramatic, confrontation of my life.

It started off in a low key. We talked about his plans for expanding the restaurant, which required a building permit. I suggested, based on my experience working for Harari, that he refrain from making public his idea of bringing Christian pilgrims from the United States, and especially — at least until the plans were approved — from telling anyone that he intended to make the place nonkosher. Every official in the Jerusalem municipality, I told him, no matter how nonobservant, lived in fear of the religious parties, and there was no point in taking chances. Your father listened carefully, gripping his tea with both hands as though to warm them. He glanced at the walls of the Old City, as if checking whether the floodlights had been turned on, and then casually uttered five words that spelled an end to all my hopes:

“I’ll really miss you, Ofer.”

(Which is more than I ever heard from you, Galya.)

Just then the lights came on in the Tower of David. I went white, or perhaps red, and instead of doing the honorable thing, getting up and walking out on that pointless meeting, I bowed my head as though failing to grasp his meaning and asked ironically if he understood whose fault it was that he would have to miss me. And without waiting for answer, I said: “Yours, Yehuda, yours and only yours!”

He was momentarily taken aback. The surprise that made him flush seemed genuine. But after a minute, he asked in that unflappable, gentlemanly way of his:

“My fault in what way?”

And that was when I forgot all my grandmother’s instructions. I only knew that this man, sitting across from me wearing a silk foulard, had already turned me out of his family. The injustice of it infuriated me. I told him he had to defend me against you.

In those very words. “You have to defend me against Galya.”

This time he was ready.

“What are you talking about, Ofer?” he asked innocently. “We’ve been terribly upset by what’s happened between you, but we’re helpless. Galya is treating it like a top secret. She told Tehila to mind her own business and not ask any questions. It’s a fact that we’re fond of you. And we’re sorry, too, about your parents, with whom we were proud to be connected. But how can we talk her out of it after such a betrayal?”

The malicious glint in his eyes said everything. The man was demonic and in full control, and although I didn’t think you had dared tell him about my “fantasy,” he knew that you wouldn’t hesitate to break up our marriage, not only to save his honor, but also (from now on I’m going to be pitiless, Galya) because you were already thinking ahead.

My despair and bitterness turned to anger and hatred. In the middle of that quiet cafeteria I said furiously:

“What betrayal are you talking about? Yours?”

“Mine?” He smiled calmly. “Whom have I betrayed?”

I stared down at the table. I still couldn’t bring myself to speak the truth. I toyed with my fork at the soft, wounded corpse of the insipid cheesecake, and I said, “All of us, the whole family. Down there in your hideaway…”

He was ready for that, too. Yes, your father had prepared himself well.

“Hideaway?” The word amused him. “You call that a hideaway? It’s an old office in which a cousin of ours used to work, an accountant who’s been dead for years. He came from Tel Aviv to do our income taxes. I didn’t understand what you were looking for down there. All you had to do was ask and I would have told you that the old plans were in the closet by the front entrance. But you disappeared without a word. What made you run away? There was no one there but me…. ”

At that moment I realized that before I had even thought of a showdown with him, he had figured out how to win one. If I were going to save our marriage at the last minute, it wouldn’t be by cross-examining him. My only hope was a desperation measure: to offer not an apology, but my collaboration, and that would have horrified even my grandmother. “Stop right there, Ofer,” she would have said. “Tell him to go to hell with his Paradise and find yourself another wife.”

Find myself another wife….

But I didn’t want another wife. It was you I fell in love with and you I wanted from the day I was born. And so before my final banishment, I tried one last move that only a sick spirit could have thought of:

“I’m not your judge, Mr. Hendel,” I said. (Yes, “Mr. Hendel,” not “Yehuda.” Maybe I felt that my madness called for some formality.) “That’s something I don’t want to be and can’t be. It’s a big, strange world, full of things that seem terrible now but may be taken for granted someday. Perhaps I shouldn’t have panicked. I should have assumed you knew what you were doing. I’m almost thirty years old, and I had to come a long, hard way before I learned to love as I do now. My marriage to Galya is the high point of my life, and its only hope. To lose her is to risk losing everything. That’s why, although I can’t pretend that I was fantasizing, I’ll cooperate with you in any way I can. My love for Galya is so great that I’d look the other way even if she wanted to behave like her sister.”

All at once, as if the chair beneath him were on fire, he jumped to his feet and asked the waitress for the check. He had to get away as quickly as possible, not from my being more explicit, which he was prepared for, but from the new temptation I had dangled in front of him. He would have liked to vanish on the spot, even though he was too well mannered to run out on me or the waitress. And so he stood waiting for the check with his back to me, because he couldn’t bring himself to look at me. “I’ll pay the goddamned bill,” I felt like saying. “Just don’t leave me all alone with all the terrible things that have been said here.” But I knew that one more word would drive him away and that there was still something, a last sentence, that he wanted to say. And in fact, when the waitress came back and he handed her a bill, he didn’t tell her to keep the change. He waited for that too, with that virile stance of his that made two young women at the next table turn to look at him. The waitress brought some change in a dish. We were about to part forever. He turned to me and said (I would still like to believe, Galya, that these last words were uttered not just in anger, but also with concern and even compassion):

“Be careful, Ofer. Such boundless love will destroy you…. ”

And now he’s dead. And though he wrecked my marriage, I feel (you’ll be surprised to hear) that I owe him a small debt of gratitude for that warning.

The divorce papers arrived a few days later. Although I was expecting them, I was so sad and depressed that for weeks I couldn’t even sit down to a proper meal. I simply grabbed a bite now and then on the fly, especially at night, like a Muslim on Ramadan.

What have I left out? Nothing. And soon there’ll be nothing. I’ll shade the text, hit Delete, and poof.

Thank you. Thank you for forbidding me to send you “pointless and oppressive” letters. The thought of printing all these pages, putting them in an envelope, and mailing them to you just to torment myself by waiting for an answer that will never come…. Thank you for wanting nothing more from me. For walking off without leaving a trail. I should have realized it was merely my father’s projection to think innocently you wanted a condolence letter from me. All he managed to do was entangle me with you again. But don’t worry. It won’t be for long.

Maybe it’s because he never had a daughter that he always took such a paternal interest in you. But if he thinks your father’s death is an opportunity to get at the truth I’ve been hiding, I’ll repeat my first promise:

The truth will not out. Mum’s the word.

“If my requests still matter to you,” you write. Well, my misfortune is that everything about you still matters. That’s why I’ll keep silent.

And even though over the past five years I’ve once or twice allowed myself to wonder, “Maybe, Ofer, it was just a fantasy after all,” I’ve repressed that doubt each time, always returning to the belief that the rift between us was tragic rather than dramatic — an inevitable fate. That’s why, over the years, I’ve rephrased the confused emotion of it into precisely stated testimony like that I saw given in court, when as a child, I would visit my mother at work.

Your Honor

Dear Ima,

The day was Tuesday, 15 July, 1993. It was 10 A.M. I was at work in the office of Harari, Architects & Urban Planners, 26 Hillel Street, Jerusalem (hereafter “the office”). Quite casually, I happened to mention a plan proposed by Yehuda Hendel (hereafter “my father-in-law”), the owner of a hotel at 34 Hagiv’ah Street, Talpiyot (hereafter “the hotel”), to expand its kitchen and dining room and — this was the exciting part — to have me, a beginning architect, draw up the plans. A colleague in the office advised me not to start working on the project before looking at the old building plans, which needed to be taken into account. At once, Your Honor, I telephoned my father-in-law to ask for them. But he was not (at 10:15) in the hotel, and my sister-in-law (hereafter “Tehila”), his right-hand woman, had gone somewhere, too, without saying when she would be back. I could, of course, have waited for one of them to return, there being nothing urgent about it. But in my childish enthusiasm, and my fear that my father-in-law might withdraw his generous proposal and — quite sensibly — turn to someone more experienced, I hurried to phone the Arab maître d’ (hereafter “Fu’ad”), to ask him for the key to the basement so that I might look for the plans. However, Your Honor (and this is my first circumstantial evidence), Fu’ad tried to put me off, even though our relationship — in part because Professor Rivlin (hereafter “my father”) liked to chat with him in Arabic — was a good one. He said he didn’t have the key and didn’t know where it was. Since by now my desire to surprise my father-in-law with a plan — and my fear of being preempted — had made me impatient to proceed, I phoned my mother-in-law (hereafter “Naomi”) and asked for her assistance. I knew, of course, Your Honor, that this woman (a good-natured but passive and somewhat empty-headed type) was far removed from the practical affairs of the hotel, even though she had lived in it for twenty years. Still, the affection she had shown me as a member of her family encouraged me to think she would talk to Fu’ad. And in fact, she turned out to be familiar with the basement — in which, before air conditioners were installed in all the rooms, the hotel’s central heating system had been located. Although she hadn’t been down there for years, she knew there was a storage room and an “archive” that Tehila sometimes used. And so, Your Honor, childishly eager and well intentioned, I left the office and hurried to see Naomi.

Does the Court wish to know what the weather was like on that fateful day? What can that have to do with my testimony? And yet, since I wish to establish my credibility with the Court, I will withhold no information. In short, it was an extremely hot, dry day, thirty-eight degrees Celsius in the shade. In the neighborhood of Talpiyot, which borders on the desert, the glare of the Jerusalem sun was blinding. Even on my motor scooter, speeding to the hotel, I felt not a breath of fresh air. Fu’ad, who must have seen me coming, slipped away before I arrived. At first I thought of going straight to the archives (the existence of which, incidentally, I had never heard of until that day). But even though, Your Honor, a year of marriage to my wife had made me one of the family, I didn’t wish to step out-of-bounds. And so I hurried to the third floor, where I found Naomi, lounging in a light bathrobe over her second or third breakfast delivered from the hotel kitchen.

Is it possible — the Court may wish to leave the question open — that this passive, dreamy woman had a vague suspicion that the archives in the basement involved more than just the past? Was this why she encouraged her curious son-in-law to investigate them?

Needless to say, none of this, O wisest mother, has any relevance to the accuracy of my testimony, which is obliged to stick to the facts. Still, I wonder to this day whether the pain and disappointment that my divorce caused this amiable woman led her to guess that she, too, had played a role in it.

She gave me a glass of fresh orange juice and hurriedly dressed before going downstairs to ask Fu’ad for the key — which, Your Honor, I might have eventually managed to find on my own, though not without difficulty.

We found Fu’ad outside in the hot sun, decorating the gazebo with flowers from his village. He was so annoyed that I had enlisted the owner’s wife on my behalf that he barely looked at me. “I swear, Mrs. Hendel,” he said (I’m quoting from memory), “what’s the rush? Mr. Hendel and Tehila will be back soon and will show Ofer everything.”

Naomi, an easygoing woman, was upset by the refusal of an old employee to obey her. She felt she was not being taken seriously. “All I’m asking of you, Fu’ad,” she told him in an injured tone, “is a key.” But the well-bred and soft-spoken maître d’ answered her brusquely. “I’m telling you, Mrs. Hendel,” he said, “there is no key.” But she wouldn’t yield. It flattered her that I had come to ask for her help, and she wanted to prove herself worthy of it. “Fu’ad,” she said, “what are you talking about? You always have the keys with you. Come on, take them out.”

Looking back on it now, Ima, I can see that this tactful, middle-aged man, who never lost his composure, was on the verge of a breakdown. He fumbled in his pocket as though looking for something that wasn’t there, then changed his mind and took out a large ring of keys. Before he could claim that the basement key wasn’t on it, my mother-in-law reached for it in an unusually aggressive manner. Red as a beet, he let her have it, flinging it into her hand. “You Jews,” he blurted (once again, I’m quoting from memory), “want to swallow everything in one gulp, and then you wonder why it sticks in your crow.” (Yes, that I remember: he said “crow,” not “craw.”)

The large, heavy key ring, Your Honor, was then handed to me. I had no idea which key was the right one. Mrs. Hendel, exhausted from the heat, smiled triumphantly and retired to her room. I went to the basement. The door, it turned out, was unlocked.

I descended some stairs and came to a long corridor in which an old bicycle was leaning against a wall. Next to it were a bucket of dry whitewash and a torn tire. Farther on was a closet, padlocked with an old yellow lock inscribed with the number 999. I found a small key on the ring with the same number and opened the lock at once. The closet was full of files, arranged by subject. There were thank-you letters from guests, correspondences with the municipality, and the old building plans of the hotel, which was originally (did you know this, Galya?) designed to be a school building.

And that, Your Honor, would have been the end of it, with nothing gone amiss, had I not said to myself, “As long as I’m here, I may as well have a look at the actual foundations before studying the plans for them.” And so I followed the corridor as far as a metal door. Although I assumed it was locked, I tried the handle. It yielded slightly, as if bolted from within. From the ceiling came the gurgle of running water and a clatter of pots and pans, which told me I was where I wanted to be, right beneath the dining room and kitchen. I found a light switch and continued down the corridor until I came to a dark, cold space on my left, in which stood an old boiler that looked like a predatory fossil. The bones of its victims were scattered around it: an old baby carriage, a green tricycle, and a crib with some dusty toys lying on an oilcloth-covered mattress.

Well, my dear Your Honor, I stood there and thought that I should go get a stronger lightbulb and come back to take measurements. But as I was about to go upstairs, I said to myself: Just a minute. If everything is open apart from that metal door, what was the Arab making such a fuss about? And I took the key ring and went to the door, which was old except for the lock. It was a standard lock, like the ones I had seen in the hotel’s rooms back in the days when I was courting my wife in them. Even though I now had the building plans, I was still annoyed at Fu’ad, who had always been so friendly and courteous. That’s why I took the yellow master key and turned it in the lock. The door opened. I didn’t enter the room, which was lit by a hidden lamp. I stood there flabbergasted for all of five seconds, whispered “Excuse me” to my father-in-law, and left.

The Court may ask how much anyone can see and understand in five seconds. My answer is, worlds, especially if you’re familiar with the cast — the other member of which was a woman unaware of my presence. She lay sleeping, or daydreaming, in a fetal position, her face to the wall and her long, naked buttocks, which I never would have imagined could be so pure and virginal, exposed.

That was all. On the face of it, it wasn’t much. I couldn’t tell from the surprised look of my father-in-law, who was reading a newspaper with a cozy intimacy I didn’t associate with him, whether I had intruded before or after. And perhaps it was neither. I didn’t stick around long enough to find out. All I wanted to do, Ima, was to tell my wife, my life’s companion, the soul of my soul, how shocked I was.