The Lighthouse

CHAPTER TEN. Memorabilia

Ester strides along the pavement, the heels of her new stilettos beating like tiny war drums against the concrete slabs.

She began her afternoon at the hairdresser’s, where she had her hair cut short again and bleached the platinum blond she had worn in her early twenties. The girl tried to persuade her to have a warmer shade, but Ester was adamant.

Afterwards, browsing the clothes shops, Ester found herself looking at a window display, at a mannequin wearing a strapless dress with a corset bodice and a knee-length skirt, satin in her favourite shade of pink, like the Blushing Pink she had chosen for the bedroom walls. She stood there on the pavement for a while, looking in through the window at the dress and at the mannequin whose hard, expressionless face was turned away from her.

It was some time since she had been shopping for clothes. She took the dress to the changing room, pragmatically choosing one a size larger than she had been the last time she wore anything like this, before buying the dress one size larger than that. She also bought some shoes, the same shade with a stiletto heel.

She stopped at a café for a sandwich and a beer. She went into the toilets to change into her new outfit, noticing that her dress matched the toilet paper. Leaving her old clothes and shoes behind, she set off home.

Marching through Hellhaus in ten-centimetre heels, she knows she does not look like the girl she once was. The hairdresser was right. The severe cut and cold blond now make her look tired. She is broader and heavier than she was and her calves are fleshy beneath the hem of her new dress. But she walks with the same swing in her arms, the same sway in her hips, and her flesh and bones remember something of herself at twenty-one.

She was aware of Bernard before she met him. He was always a topic of conversation at Ida’s house. When Ester was not at Ida’s, she was often with Conrad and his friends, who also knew Bernard. Someone would ask about him, or someone would have news or gossip about him, about what he was doing, who he was with, when he was coming home. Bernard was only a little older than his brother, but Ester sometimes thought that he made Conrad — who still lived at home with his mother and still knocked about with his schoolmates — seem like a child.

She met a few of Bernard’s ex-girlfriends, all of whom were thin and blond and well-dressed. She heard stories about him punching boys for talking too long to his girlfriends, and one about him pushing a stranger down a flight of stairs for just looking. ‘He hit me with a bottle,’ one boy told her, showing off a faint scar above his eyebrow, ‘for dancing with his girl.’

After she and Bernard became a couple, he was jealous around her too. He did not like other men looking at her, although he never hit them, and Ester wondered why not, why he had cared more about his previous girlfriends.

On their first date, they saw a film, and Ester kept the cinema ticket, at first just in her purse and later in an envelope with everything else — a few postcards, a beer mat on which he had written his telephone number, a dried flower from a walk they had taken, and a dead leaf she had found in her hair afterwards.

She still has these things. She keeps them in the drawer of her bedside table and looks through them sometimes, putting the dry flower to her nose. She handles the envelope’s contents reverently as if these were the memorabilia of a dead pop star rather than the man she married, the man she still lives with.

Bernard, she thinks, would not recall now which film they saw on their first date, might not even remember that they went to the cinema on that occasion. The young Bernard, lying in a field beside her, turning towards her and holding a cornflower against her cheek, near the blue of her eye, seems almost like a different man, a lover she once had. She keeps him in an envelope in a drawer, that man who admired her calves; that man who, twisting the cornflower between his thumb and his index finger, said, ‘Come away with me.’

He used to fall asleep holding on to her, the weight of an arm and a leg pinning her to the mattress, the heat between them almost unbearable. Now he turns away, wants his space. Sometimes he wears a sleep mask and earplugs. These days, Bernard only notices Ester when other men do.

Ester does not normally enter the hotel through the front door, but today she does. She strides across the room, her heels beating time against the wooden floorboards. She walks towards the door at the side of the bar which leads to the bedrooms, and out of the corner of her eye she sees Bernard turning and watching her.

As she walks along the upstairs corridor, she hears the creak of the stairs behind her. She goes through the door marked ‘PRIVATE’ and into her and Bernard’s apartment. She waits in the bedroom.

She hears Bernard letting himself in and moments later he appears in the doorway. ‘What’s all this for?’ he asks, his gaze sweeping over her like a searchlight. He comes closer. ‘Who are you trying to impress?’ He holds her by the upper arms and squeezes, twisting her flesh a little, as if juicing an orange. Ester says nothing, just looks him in the eye until he relaxes his grip. She turns away so that he can undo the zip in the back of her dress. He does it slowly, and perhaps this is supposed to be seductive but she can only think that he is distracted by something or that he is warily delaying the moment when she will be undressed.

With Ester’s zip undone, Bernard walks round to his side of the bed. He closes the curtains but the room remains light. He sits down on the edge of the mattress to unlace his shoes, unbuckle his belt, unbutton his shirt. He looks at Ester and looks away. She steps out of her shoes and slips off her dress and stands by the bed in her knickers. Bernard pulls back the covers so that she can get under. She can feel where he held her, where his fingers pressed into her skin, where the evidence, the small, round bruises, will be later. The heel of one foot, rubbed by her new shoes, bleeds lightly into the bedsheet.

Bernard, naked now, takes off his watch, stopping to wind it before putting it down on the bedside table. He gets into bed and turns towards Ester. He looks at her as if she reminds him of someone, as if he is trying to remember who. It’s me, she wants to say to him, I remind you of me.

His camphor smell fills her nostrils, and his eyes close.