The Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica. Volume 3

The Swing by Mari Ness

Hi. Ask a Nurse?

Great. You’re like totally confidential, right? Like, totally, really confidential? OK. OK. Yeah. Well, see, this is real embarrassing. Yeah, I’m sure you have, but I don’t know that you’ve heard this one. OK, OK. My wife’s hanging suspended from the ceiling, and, she, well, this is the crazy part. She kind, err, superglued her strap-on to her skin, and it’s starting to hurt her.

No, this isn’t an obscene phone call. Believe me, if it were, I’d be coming up with something a lot less embarrassing.

No, I don’t want to call 911.

I don’t exactly have a lot of clothes on myself.

Oh, that. Well, the thing is, I’m kinda handcuffed to this chair.

Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I should start from the beginning. How much of a beginning do you want?

Well, you see, here’s the problem. My wife is hot. Seriously, seriously, hot. She’s shaking her head right now at me, but I’m telling you, this woman is a fucking sex goddess.

Ma’am, believe me, this is relevant. None of this would be happening if she weren’t so hot.

So what this means is, I want to fuck her. All the time. I mean, constantly. And she’s fine with this, but she wants variety. Not just the same old missionary position over and over again. And I’m fine with that. But after a few years, when you’re having the kinda constant sex that I’m demanding, you’re kinda running out of positions on the bed, you know? Yeah, you know. So we’re thinking through our options, wondering what we can do to get the variety she needs. We’re not really that into, you know, sharing, and some of that S/M stuff – well, it’s all pretty cool, but some of it just isn’t, you know, us.

Oh, you do know how we feel. Good.

So anyway, we’re shopping around, looking for catalogs and stuff, when suddenly we find The Swing. Think capital letters here, ma’am. Really capital letters. The thing’s suspended from the ceiling, you see, and from it, either she, or I, can get into any number of positions that we could never reach on a bed. And the best thing of all – the thing can be raised or lowered even as you’re having sex. I’m talking hot. I’m talking the thing had me so hot that I had to grab her right then and there while we were reading through the catalogue.

Oh, that time was in the kitchen – her up on the countertop. Quick, hard, good. I’m telling you, this woman is absolutely something.

Well, yeah, I’m handcuffed to a chair right now, but that doesn’t mean I’ll say absolutely anything. Besides which, if you were looking at her right now -

Yeah, I’m pretty tall. But the thing is, you can do the same thing, if you just get up on a stool. I mean, my wife’s a bit shorter than me, so when we were going in the opposite direction -

Yeah, I’ll get back to the story. So anyway, we bought this chair. Pretty damn expensive, but what the hell – we could easily delay buying me a new car for another couple of years, right? I mean, the thought of having Janice in there – that’s her name, by the way, Janice – was just way too much to resist.

Oh. We bought it on the Internet. Amazing site, too. But you can find them anywhere. Another good thing – you can take the thing down quickly if, like, your mother-in-law’s coming by, or something. Although we hung ours up in our extra room – the one we told guests was, you know, just storage. Course, we did store things there – a spare mattress, a hardback chair, a softer chair, some little toys and all that -

Oh, you have one of those too? Yeah, great, aren’t they?

So anyway, we hang the thing up – having sex like three times while we’re doing it, cause, well, you know, it took some time to find a good stud to put a nail -

Yeah, okay, I’ll stop with the bad puns. So anyway, we get this thing hung, and it’s incredible. I mean, incredible. Once shes in it, I can do anything. I can pull her to any height I wanted, screw her up, down, sideways, you name it. She got me to hang in there a few times too, and let me tell you, the feel of her mouth on me when I was suspended – it took the whole concept of blow job to new levels. And the way she managed to angle me so I could watch every single moment of what she was doing – God, I’m telling you, it might be just as well that orgasms like that don’t come every day.

Most of the time, though, it was her up in that swing, hanging lusciously down, letting me fondle every single damn part of her skin. For the first time, I could take her from behind – I mean, really, really take her from behind. Pull her up to just the right angle for my knees and so that I could just reach the G-spot and make her start going really wild, you know. I could fill my hands with her while I pushed into her – God, I’m hard again just thinking about it.

No, I can’t do anything about it – my hands are handcuffed behind this chair, remember?

And she wore these great little silk things every time we used the thing – although to tell you the truth, since it’s just you and me and she’s over there suspended from the ceiling, I pretty much prefer her naked. I mean, she was meant to be naked, what with that amazing ass of hers. She’s got, let me tell you, the absolutely perfect butt. She keeps claiming it’s too fat, but I’m telling you, it’s incredible – rounded, soft, meant for fondling and gripping. Sometimes I think I married her for her ass. And now, with this thing, I could have as much of her ass as I wanted. I could have her dangle there for hours, while I sucked and nibbled, sometimes rubbing at her hole, sometimes fucking her with my finger while I nibbled around her butt. It was -

Are you all right?

OK, just wondered about that sound there. Anyway, the thing was, I got totally, totally, into handling her ass, which was not cool, she tells me, because our agreement was variety. And I’m like, fine, I like variety, but I just have to have more of your butt. And then it occurs to me. There’s this one thing that we haven’t tried.

Yeah, the other thing. Anal. I get, I gotta be honest with you, totally worked up at the idea. I’ve never done it before; she’s never done it before. She’s a little uncertain. But we’ve got lots of lube on hand, and I say, hey, it’s variety, and she’s like, OK, and I get her up in the swing and start playing with her tits, just to get her really ready again, until she’s starting to moan again, and then she turns to me and says, with this incredible look on her face, you know, I get to do you next.

I’m so involved in her tits I totally miss this. All I want to do is suck at them some more before I move on, but then she raps me a bit with her fist and says, hey, did you hear me? And I look up at that, keeping one hand on one nipple, and say, what? And she repeats it. I get to do you next.

Now, I gotta tell you. I’m feeling really uneasy with the concept, variety or no variety. I mean, yeah, I’ve heard about guys doing this with their wives – but you, in the sense of jokes and stuff. And well, I never thought Janice had that sort of kink. But she looks as me as she’s dangling there, in her little red silk teddy, and she – I swear – wiggles her butt at me. So what am I supposed to do, huh?

Yeah, that’s right. I start playing with her breasts again, and then start lubing up her ass. And I do her in the ass, and, you know, it feels pretty good – very tight, very hard, and I come good and hard. It feels great. I give her a long kiss, and help her out of the thing, and then spend more time kissing and fondling her butt, and then, you know, we’re going at it on the mattress again.

Six years, next Friday. Yeah, we’re kinda stunned about some of these marathon sessions too. But, as I told you, she’s hot.

Anyway, I admit it, I totally forget about my end of the bargain, and it’s a few days before we head into that room again. By now we’re both really horny again, since, believe it or not, there’s been nothing since, and I want her, badly. This time, she’s got on this black silk thing that shows off her legs, and I’m telling you, if I didn’t know how good things were going to get, we would have been using the mattress right then and there. But I start pulling at the swing, lifting it up from the floor, and checking the ropes, watching her rummaging through drawers, wiggling her butt at me. And then she pulls out this strap-on.

And I’m like a bit, whoa, but she’s grinning and twirling the thing around, and saying, remember what you agreed to. And I’m stuck, because, after all, she’s right, I did agree to this. So she wiggles into the thing, and I’m staring at this strap-on attached to my wife, and I have to tell you, it’s, well, quite something.

Honestly, I have no idea what I felt. Something, anyway.

But anyway, she comes up to me wearing the strap-on, and starts kissing me, and of course, my dick starts responding to this – can’t help it, really. It’s jumping, and I’m starting to jump, and she puts my hand on one of her tits, and that’s enough to get me going. I play with her nipple for a bit, and then she breaks away and grabs a bottle of lube from the drawer.

Hey, I say, a bit uneasily. Before you like, get that inside me, why don’t we try a few practice runs first? And she says, what do you have in mind, and I say, the same thing I do with you, you know, just rub it over me. Not the sexiest way to put it, I guess, but she seems to get all hot at the idea, so she slaps the belt holding the thing on and goes, yes, and points at the mattress. So I fall on it, and she follows me, and gets on top of me and begins kissing me and rubbing this dildo over me. Which I have to say is pretty weird, but I’m enjoying it anyway, because I can see that she’s enjoying the experience. So I flip over on my front, and she runs the thing up and down my butt, and then I flip over again, and she mock-fucks me, moving between my legs, and I have to admit, this is all pretty fun.

There’s only one problem – the strap-on itself, you see, which doesn’t seem to understand that it’s meant to be strapped on, and not, you know, wiggling about. Which its doing. So Janice keeps having to stop, to adjust the thing, or make it tighter, or something. Come to think of it, I’m still not sure if she really put the thing on right in the first place, or if she even got the right one. Maybe she did, maybe she didnt. But the thing wasn’t all that controlled. I mean, fine for our pretend leg fucking and all, but if she was really going to fuck me, she needed more control.

No, I didn’t say anything. She decided that herself. She finally got up and walked over to our drawer where we keep various things, saying, maybe there’s something here that will help this thing stay on better, and in the meantime, I’m just laying back, watching, because during all of this that little black thing she’d been wearing has come off in places, and I have one great look at her legs. So I put my hand down and start stroking my dick again, watching her rummage through the drawer, and I gotta say that I’m wondering if she’s going to pull out some other fun toy, or if I’m ever going to get to do her again from behind in the swing again, or if she’s just going to keep torturing me all day. But she rummages along, and finally comes up with a small tube of something. I think I can use this as sealant, she says.

Yeah, you can see where this is going.

Fuck, I say, that’s crazy glue. But its too late. She’s already got the thing on her and its good and stuck. I’m telling you, what they say about that stuff is absolutely true. It gets you in seconds.

Yeah, you must hear a lot of people saying this. I heard of one girl who glued her eyes shut.

Yeah. So anyway, here we are, me lying on the mattress looking at Janice, who is standing there with a strap-on literally glued to her. And she looks – sorry Janice, but you did – she looks totally ridiculous. Plus, I can see the expression on her face. That thing is not all that comfortable.

Oh come on, Janice. It was not.

Yeah, that’s her in the background. She hasn’t got much else to do but comment on this.

Anyway, I’m watching her. And I say something dumb.

Never mind how dumb. Let’s just say it’s one of those typical male comments, and leave it at that, OK? She gets this gleam in her eye as she says, oh really, and she comes over to me, swaggering, with this strap-on thing, and I’m still laughing. So she comes up and suddenly leans against me and with one hand pulls me down to her, so now I’m caught between a kiss and a laugh except that I’m not laughing any more, I’m kissing her, hard, because, damn it, it’s laughable, but she’s still got a way with her tongue, and the next thing I know, I’m sitting against the hard chair with her on my lap and that damn strap-on pushing against me, not that I care, because she’s got her mouth on mine and her hand on my dick and she’s rubbing it up and down gently, and I’m so fucking absorbed in this that I totally don’t notice that she’s also got my left hand, which is why I miss her slipping my hand into one of the metal handcuffs.

Now, I do notice the click. But hey, I’ve got her hand on my dick, and we’ve played this sort of thing before. I have a safeword, she has a safeword, and I don’t think it’s time for that sort of thing yet. So I go on kissing her, and she goes on threading the handcuffs through the back of the chair, and then she grabs my other hand and shoves it into the other cuff, so I’m firmly cuffed to the floor. And I’m thinking – I know it’s stupid, but I’m thinking, oh man, I am going to get seriously fucked here. And I’m incredibly excited. She only cuffs me if she’s really going to be driving me to my limits. I am almost jumping in the chair, I’m so ready for her.

She kisses me for a few more seconds, and then stands up. I give my hands a little tug – oh, yeah, I’m secure, and I wiggle a bit, just to show her I can. She grins at me, and then slowly turns and wiggles her butt at me. It’s pure torture. I try jumping the chair a bit closer, and she shakes her head at me. Screw you, she says. Laugh at me because of this? Well, I tell you what. I’m going up in that swing, and I’m going to fuck myself up there with this thing, and you’re just gonna watch. That’s it. Nothing more, loverboy. And you’re not even gonna be able to touch yourself now to get off. You’re just going to have to watch and watch and watch as I get off. Funny, huh?

Now, of course, what I really want her to do is sit on me, even with that damn strap-on, and ride me hard. Or kneel down in front of me and give me a blowjob. Or something. I want her hands all over me. Of course, I’m too dumb to say this. I just say, hey, don’t you think we should have a doctor check out that crazy glue?

Yeah, I mean, I thought it was a medically good idea too. She just turns and wiggles her butt at me. Oh, we can play doctor later, she says, as she saunters over to the swing.

I’m telling you, I forgot I was in that chair. I tried to get up and follow her, and of course I got slammed back down. I was a bit worried – usually I help get her into the thing, and I wasn’t sure she could do it herself with any safety, but I guess we’d been using it enough that she had no problems. She put herself in so that her breasts were hanging down, and as she got in, one little nipple popped out, looking unbelievably tasty. I started moving my chair forward again. I had to have that nipple.

As I did so, I noticed something about that strap-on. It was one of those double-ended ones, see, with a part that she could insert inside her. Now, given the way she had it glued to her, she couldn’t actually get it inside – not without getting a lot more limber, and she’s shaking her head at me even now for saying that. But what she could do, see, is rub the edge against her clit. In fact, she was already doing that naturally. I could tell, just from her expression. That wasn’t just turned on, that was totally stimulated. And, as she started to pull herself up, I could see, through the straps, that long black dildo working against her, and actually see how wet she was. So there she is, up there, suspended about six feet from the ceiling, and I’m there, moving my chair under her, begging her to come down a bit so I can at least get a taste of the nipple. She just smiles at me, and then manages to pull one hand down around to her clit. Let me tell you, I’ve been in that thing, and that’s a lot harder than it looks. She must have been getting really horny. So she reaches her hand down and over and grabs the dildo and begins moving it back and forth a little -

Are you OK?

OK. Just sounded like you were having breathing problems or something.

Yeah, I can go on.

So anyway, she reaches for the dildo, and she moves it a bit, but she’s forgotten something – the damn thing’s still glued on. OK, technically it’s only the straps, not the actual dildos, but they aren’t all that mobile at the moment. I can see it’s frustrating her. She gives up on the dildos, and instead, starts using her hand to start playing with her clit. I’m right under her, and I can tell you, it’s an incredible sight, watching her play with herself, watching her start to moan and wiggle, watching those lovely fingers move up and down, fast, slow, up, down – I’m literally going crazy. My dick’s so hard it’s actually purple.

God, honey, I moan. I don’t think I’m going to be able to take this any more, I say. You’re going to have to come down and suck me. I’m not even sure she hears me. She’s just there, taking care of herself, breaking hard, moving her fingers in and out of herself, starting with one finger, then two, slipping them in and out, hard, and then rubbing them against her clit. I can see that she’s making this one of her long sessions, drawing this out the way she likes to do when she’s torturing me, and God, it’s working. I want her, desperately. I mean, I’m literally bouncing in this chair, which is not really a good thing, because my wrists keep hitting the handcuffs, you know, so I finally force myself to stop bouncing, and just sit back and watch. It’s one beautiful sight, watching her up there, her eyes closed, her hand moving, her body continuing to move with her rhythm, swaying back and forth in the swing. And that’s when the problem starts.

Yeah, problem. This is why I’m on the phone, remember? Here’s the thing. As she’s touching herself, she starts to come. And I can tell that for her, this is going to be a big one. Maybe because of the pain from the strap-on; maybe because I’m down here, telling her how incredibly hot she is while she’s doing this, how much she’s torturing me, how much I want her to come down here and suck my balls off or ride me, do something with me, and I know – I just know – that she’s going to have to do this soon, because, I’m not kidding, there’s a good chance of me getting a heart attack watching this if I can’t touch myself and if she’s not touching me. I know this has to be making her more intense, because I can tell you, I’ve been watching her come for years now, and I know the major orgasms when I see them. This was one of them.

She came, hanging up there in the swing, and – I swear to God – her body actually started to shake while the orgasm was running through her. I mean she’s bucking up there, her hips gyrating as she comes, and she’s shaking hard enough that she actually flips over in the swing. Worse, she releases the rope that allows her to go up and down, so it goes flying - literally flying up and around and around and ends up circling her. I barely even notice. The sight of her breasts quivering during this – and then suddenly the sight of that hot ass flipping around so that its dangling down, right over me, where I could almost touch it if she was just a bit lower – well, let’s say that I was a bit distracted. All I could do was watch that ass as it continued to quiver above me, until finally it stopped moving, and she just hung above me, panting. I could just see her sex peeping through, and it was enough to make me almost come, right there.

And as she’s hanging there, she says, fuck. I think I’m stuck. And I’m looking up at her, still hard and say, what? And she says again, I think I’m stuck. So I look up at her.

Now, usually we follow the instructions, and leave that rope attached to the wall, so this sort of thing doesn’t happen, but this time, we’ve both been so involved in what’s been happening that we totally forget about this part. Which is a problem.

Christ, she repeats. Neil, I’m stuck.

And I’m like, what do you mean you’re stuck? And she says, well, I’m stuck.

And that’s when I notice it – the rope has twisted around her. And with each arm in a strap of the swing, and her torso supported by another strap, and her two legs caught in a strap – well, at this point, she’s not very mobile, especially since the rope that would give her more mobility is also wrapped around her. She can’t loosen herself, she can’t lower herself, she can’t even move me. She’s just hung there, suspended from the ceiling, with a strap-on superglued to her. And I’m here handcuffed to the chair, right below her, unable to move, looking up right at that incredible ass.

The medical emergency?

I could have a heart attack here. That’s the medical emergency.

Yeah, I still had a hard-on, and we’re talking painful here. Very painful. If I could have, I would have bent over and taken my dick into my own month just to help things out. But I’m not that flexible.

Well, it was down, but I have to tell you, I’m hard again just talking to you about this.

What’d we do? Well, we always keep a cell phone in this room, so after I managed to get my hard-on down a bit – and let me tell you, with an image like that in the room, that was damn near impossible, I shifted my chair over across the floor, bit by bit, and opened the cell phone with my mouth, and dialled info with my nose, and asked for you guys.

Yeah, that’s right, I dialled you with my nose. But let me tell you, that’s a lot less frustrating than being this damn close to a woman tied up like this and not be able to do anything.

OK, so what, medically, should we do at this point?

Yes, medically.

Well, yes, I do intend to treat my wife to a nice long relaxing hour in a real bed very soon, but what I meant was, do you have any ideas about how I can get out of these handcuffs, so I can get up from this chair, lower her a bit, and totally, completely fuck her to make up for the way she’s been torturing me for the last two hours?

What do you mean, you’ve gotta go to the bath -

Crap.

Honey, I’m sorry, but it looks like you’re going to have to hold on for just a few more minutes.

Well, if you think telling the nurse took a while, wait ‘til I try explaining this to 911…