The Memory of Water

²⁹ I AM MISSING A HAND

I feel as though I am coming back to life, but it is a different life. I feel as if I have stopped chasing whatever it was that I was chasing. Not because I found what I was looking for but because I have given up. I see with absolute clarity that life is, ultimately, pointless, and this knowledge makes me feel like I am drowning. Not fighting the current that takes my warmth and my air but instead, letting it pull me down.

I no longer feel the need to travel, to find people’s secrets, to risk my safety. Day to day is dull. I don’t know why Denise stays. Without writing I am a shell. Gwendolyn MacEwan said that authors have the Jekyll hand and the Hyde hand. The idea is that a writer has one hand for their mundane existence, like walking the dog, jerking off, or flipping a pancake, and the other for creating. In my case it’s about creating havoc. The inseparable twins: Havoc and Harmony. I am missing a hand.