The Mirage

37

I enjoyed the intoxication of relief and victory until evening. Then back came angst, that old cohort that never tires of my company. Would Gabr Bey agree to let a petty employee like me marry his daughter? Wouldn’t Muhammad Gawdat be the more likely candidate despite my income from our family’s estate? After all, he was an engineer like Gabr Bey, not to mention his being a neighbor and a friend. As for me, I had no such qualifications. On the other hand, Rabab hadn’t taken to him, and if she’d had any interest in him, she wouldn’t have met with me and encouraged me to meet with her father. This thought cooled my burning heart and brought back my intoxication. However, it wasn’t sufficient to eradicate the doubt and anxiety that lurked deep inside me. As the days of waiting passed one by one, I only grew more depressed and pessimistic. Consequently, I kept the matter a secret from my mother, enduring the wait and the bitterness of doubt in a fearsome solitude lest she learn of my failure if that was to be my fate. Strangely, we’d never returned to the subject of marriage since that tempestuous evening. Her behavior reflected an unaccustomed reserve that wasn’t lost on my sensitive radar. There were numerous occasions when she seemed like an angry child who’s gone off to pout. Whenever I came to her with something to talk about, she would receive me with a kind of suspicion that wouldn’t leave her until she’d assured herself of the nature of the subject to be discussed. I was annoyed by the change in her, but I continued to treat her with courtesy and affection.

During this same period of time, a fellow employee at my workplace whispered in my ear that, according to an employee in the personnel department, “somebody” had been inquiring about me. Hence, news quickly spread in the warehousing section that I was planning to marry. Accordingly, they began jovially offering me personal advice, which caused me to feel even more resentful and angry. When the waiting period was over, I went to see Gabr Bey Sayyid. However, I didn’t go to his house this time for fear that the answer I’d receive would be a disappointment. Instead, I went to meet him at the Ministry of Labor, where he gave me a warm welcome and announced his agreement! Thus my torment came to an end and I was reinstated in the land of the living. During this meeting we agreed on a date for the engagement party. If a person’s life is a mixture of misery and happiness, it seemed to me then that my days of misery were over, and that I would be rewarded for my patient endurance, misery, and fear with untainted bliss for the rest of my days. I went home, summoned my mother, and informed her of what had happened.

After listening to me in resignation and astonishment, she asked, “Why did you keep all this from me?”

“I didn’t expect it to turn out the way it has,” I said with a nervous laugh.

“My Goodness!” she said testily. “Did you really think they’d refuse you? What a naive child you are! Don’t you know that there are countless girls out there a thousand times better than yours who’d be more than happy to marry you?”

In a tone that made clear that I had no desire to pursue the discussion, I said, “I’m waiting for you to congratulate me, Mama.”

Leaning toward me and kissing my cheek, she murmured, “I’m the one who ought to be congratulated.” Then she uttered a lengthy prayer of supplication for me.

Being someone who found it difficult to hide her feelings, my mother’s face was an open book. As such, the look in her eyes betrayed a profound disappointment that roiled my peace of mind. I ignored it, however, pretending to believe her words, and before long I’d become too engrossed in my own happiness to worry about her. On that same day I wrote a letter to my brother, informing him of what had happened and inviting him to the engagement party. I visited my sister Radiya as well and invited her too. On the appointed day we all went together, though I honestly don’t know how I got the courage to attend. Linking arms with my brother Medhat, I asked him to be my escort, and I wore him out with my awkwardness, passivity, and shyness.

I didn’t utter a word the length of the entire party. I didn’t even take my eyes off the floor. I was surrounded the whole time by curious onlookers, both men and women, and I didn’t get over my fright until after the relatives had gone and the only people left were immediate family.

Gabr Bey’s wife said to me with a laugh, “You’re so shy, Kamil! Now I know why you hovered around your bride for months as though you were afraid to make a move!”

My heart skipped a beat in response to what she said, and I glanced furtively at my mother to see what impact the woman’s words had had on her. However, I found her engrossed in a conversation with Gabr Bey. I sat the entire time beside Rabab without being able to bring myself to look at her, badly as I wanted to. All I managed to do was to cast a quick, diffident glance at her as she entered the room surrounded by a halo of light and splendor. Then, flustered and self-conscious, I reverted into a stupor in which I absented myself from everything around me. When the family celebration had dispersed and we were on our way home, my brother Medhat chuckled out loud, saying in amazement, “You need to find a cure for your shyness. I swear to God, I’ve never seen anything like you!”

As for me, I took no notice of his ribbing and criticism. I was too happy.